Sitting the dance out...

I was running around today, doing my typical, dash until you pass out from exertion errands and I was thinking about tomorrow night and all the goings on and the well wishes from everyone and the start of a new year with the Nots, and then I decided that I didn't want to.

I think I'm going to sit this New Year's Eve out.

For the past few years (since I've relocated really), I've felt the need to go out and revel with the rest of the adult world. And I promised myself that I wouldn't stay in an have another pity party. But after this year of all the shoulda coulda woulda's that have taken place, I've decided that I should have taken more time for me, I could have taken more time for me if I had just stopped for a minuite, and I would have taken more time for me if I had actually had this time.

So in the tune of doing something for me, tomorrow night as the clock ticks down to midnight, I will be popping the cork on some really nice bubble bath and pouring it liberally and lighting several candles and calling 2005 done.

When Were You Ever Under?

Just decided I'm over it.

Who, me? Rash decision?

But really...for now, over it. My head is about to explode from the tension of this morning and I don't want for my head to explode. It's easier to be over it.

K, there ya go!

New Years Hero Regales (Or Hopes To)

Larissa got me thinking about New Years again and since this year's is completely up in the air I was forced to go down memory lane again. And now that I'm feeling the pressure of being someone's New Year's Hero (yay!) I feel the need to regale you all with more stories.

First of all, the night of my amazing kiss with an absolute stranger (who also happened to be hot and yes, a great kisser) is a night that will either sound too good to be true or will cause you to think that I'm a total slut. Here goes nothing:

My first kiss of the night was with NotIrish, someone I had only met either that night or the weekend before. He was tall and had a tongue ring and in the middle of a conversation with me and NotSusan he said, "Let's show her how it's done" and kissed me. It was a little crazy but he had a tongue ring and said I was a good kisser. It was also in the middle of the bar for all to see.

My second kiss of the night was with NotDreds, a good friend from college and someone who I can always count on to give me some of my own flirting medicine. He dishes it out and we both usually end the night having gotten very close but not too close. That night however we definitely locked lips in celebration of the new year and it was surprisingly hot.

The third kiss is the legendary one and makes for the best story. I was walking down the street enjoying the confetti when I passed this random guy. I turned around to get a better look and he surprisingly did the same. We made our way back to each other and he said, "I haven't gotten my New Year's kiss" and we kissed. Who was this guy!? To this day I still wonder who he was and if I will ever cross paths with him again. Holy hell though it was amazing and a highly recommended way to start a year.

Number four for my New Years night is a special one and a moment I had wished for for years. NotTownie was a friend of a friend who eventually became my friend as well. He is also quite possibly the sexiest person I know and someone who manages to get me to reveal my more um, risque side. That night I was drinking and as a result made it quite clear that I wanted to kiss him (not that it was ever really a secret.) We made a "date" for 1am but I was convinced he would leave before the time came. But 1am came and we headed out to the balconey of the bar where we shared the best few moments in the history of kissing. I even laughed because the moment seemed so surreal but quickly regained my composure so the kiss wouldn't stop. I just talked to him tonight and told him that every year I wish for another kiss like that.

Number five was interesting, to say the least...and probably my "bad decision" part of the night. NotSusan drove me, NotTownie, and 3 of his friends to my car and then I drove me and NotMarine back to where they were staying. Well, that was the plan at least. NotMarine guided me to his house which parted us from the other car and when I parked he took the keys out of the ignition and said I had to come inside to get them. Not being stupid, I refused but then realized I had to use the restroom and it was his parent's house so how much trouble could I get into? We ended up making out in his living room (hey, he was hott, too) but I cut the night short when he started asking me to have sex with him-what, with his parents in the same house? no thank you. I think he told people we banged though because to this day NotTownie still asks me if we did, ha. I don't regret him being five though-I saw him this past summer and my friend said, "WHO is that? He is so hott" and it was nice to remember making out in the early morning hours of January 1, 2004.




Anyway, that's my best New Years night and one I can only wish to repeat in grandour. You can see how I am getting a little apprehensive about this Saturday night and my fear of coming home disappointed...

Sunshine on my Shoulders

My feet hurt. I'm not used to working a retail job. I'm also not used to having no freetime whatsoever.
I have two jobs and once school starts, goodbye social life. There are so many things i need to save up for, not to mention i need to get my gpa up if i want my pwd (plan for world domination) to follow through.
Is it sad to think that all of this would be easier if i had a man in my life? A second half that could come over and keep me company while i write my 10 page papers on updike's sexual frustration/incest. or that would bring me lunch at my retail job even if it means i can only spend 30 minutes with him?
The search has got me tired. I have no time to look for a man, much less knock one out and drag them into my lair...

Such is the life of me.

I do it my way

A few years ago I worked with NotPrincess. NotPrincess was definitely a diva wannabe but fell prey to the perils of social status as a newly arrived Washingtonian on the bottom of the DC food chain. When I came across NotPrincess, she had just left the Hill as a staff assistant for Kerry (Nebraska). Because of how little she made on the Hill, NotPrincess had developed this theory of dating that she called the theory of trois. She believed (and practiced) that, in order to keep herself fed and with enough drink to remain happy, she needed to be constantly dating at least three men. One of the three could be semi-serious and may get the goodies; however, the other two were to be led on for the sole purpose of free meals and drinks. The problem is that I am not NotPrincess, nor do I want to be. I would have a hard enough time working one man into my life, much less bouncing between three like a pinball. Of course, I do realize that the rules of changed. Dating and courting are evolving into what sometimes seems like one big mindfuck. This is why I have taken matters into my own hands and purchased the Guide to Procedural Dating. Less guide and more kit, this piece of marketing genius includes everything a Not girl needs to make dating more uniform in this century. It includes everything from attraction notification cards to a sexual intimacy agreement to an exclusivity contract (and more). Personally, I'm psyched to try this out. What better way to catch a man's attention than with an attraction notification card?!

Ten Commandments of Me...

I've been considering making myself over lately, and with the new year coming in and the new year being all about well, doing things anew, I figured this would be the best venue to show others how I will be improving upon perfection (*snort*) yet again this year.

1) Thou shalt always find something good about thyself.

2) Thou shalt not deny thyself the best things in life.

3) Thou shalt not be made a fool of by anyone.

4) Thou shalt speak up for thyself.

5) Thou shalt know who thy friends are.

6) Thou shalt always have a good head on thy shoulders.

7) Thou shalt always see the advice from the fellow Nots.

8) Thou shalt always be a steadfast and true Not.

9) Thou shalt not let the little things in life get thee down.

10) Thou shalt live everyday to its fullest.

And with this I prepare for the new year.

"But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end"

I'm about to watch my brand new Special Edition Titanic DVD so while I don't have much to blog about now, I am sure to be inspired after the movie. Good thing it's just a Monday night before the new week and it's okay to be vegging and watching movies!

Okay, on to my date with Leo.

*sigh*

NotJay royally pissed me off. On Christmas Eve, no less. I sent him an im to wish him a merry christmas and then all of a sudden he asked if i was dead set on his place for new years.

*DINGDING* WARNING SIGN

so after a VERY short conversation he basically tells me that his "real new years crew" is getting together in Philly so he has to cancel the party.

That bastard.

So now NotMiranda and I are plotting a way for us to meet men and get fantastic New Years kisses. Are the other Nots up for this?

Anyways,

MERRY CHRISTMAS all of you lovely people that read this blog. I think i speak for all the Nots when i say we really appreciate your reading/commenting on our life stories.

And to the Nots, I really appreciate your friendship. I don't think i've gotten this close with girls without hanging out with them constantly. It's the best of both worlds!

...plus, you all gave me fantastic christmas presents ;-)

Is Love Ever Enough...?

There is a reason I don't have a steady relationship and after listing to my friend NotStreetcarDesire I know why.

She's what I would call, Little Miss "I've had my shit together since I was an embryo", she's an up front go getter of a person and while she can be abrasive at times, she's one of my best friends. And I love her like a sister. Though at times I also want to strangle her like a sister. However, recently, as in the past few years she's been in a relationship with NotYoungEnough, who is mentally mature for her (sometimes almost too mature), but almost so set in his ways that he can't see doing anything different.

She's been living overseas and doing the whole live in girlfriend thing, but its in a country where she doesn't speak the language and long term doesn't plan to be there to need it so she doesn't see the point in learning it as NotYoungEnough constantly suggests.

Among other things she's persuing her writing career, but last night she starts talking about how unhappy she is living overseas and how NotYoungEnough isn't ready to think about moving to the States because of a business deal that he's been involved in for the past few years and its just starting to look like its going to pay out. To which I ask her what she wants...and she's not sure, but overall she poses the question: Is Love Ever Enough...? Now, at risk of sounding so unlike myself, I have to realize that I do believe that love is enough. But what happens if situations like NotStreetcarDesire's occur in which you love someone, but the circumstances around it aren't right. Do you give up and do what's best for you? Do you hope that in the end things are going to turn out right and "love conquers all"? She looked to me for answers to this. Me, the last person I think has the right to tell anyone how to live their life. Especially considering the stuff I get into.

Half the time I feel like I'm spinning down a slippery slope into nothing.

But enough about me.

This thing called love; a four letter word that means everything and nothing at all to people. It seems like more and more people are trying to figure it out. To me I see it more like the lottery. The chances of winning at it are a little better, but if you don't open yourself up to it then you can't win at it. In the same breath I'm also going to say, that if you open yourself up to the good parts about it you also have to deal with the bad parts about it. The heartbreak part.

So, I've been posed with the question, is love ever enough..and the only answer I have right now is, I don't know, but I would hope it is.

And Still it Sits in Front of You

I have a thing for one of the guys at my retail job. Actually, there are quite a few "hotties" that work there alongside me, however this one is different. He reminds me of one of my best friends from high school so I shall call him NotMatt.

I don't know if it's so much of a "thing" as a "friend crush." He's pretty cute though. And we took our lunch break together and talked about video games, our stupid jobs, and crazy coworkers. He actually asked me questions and honestly looked like he cared about my answers. Which is refreshing because most of the guy friends I have right now are pretty self-centered (*AHEM*NotHusband and NotGay)

Just felt the need to share that.

In other news, I have another date next week. With NotSoccer. Should be interesting, considering he only talks to me/asks me out when he wants something. Thing is, he tempted me with a free ticket to "Chronicles of Narnia" so i couldn't say no. I know, I'm a sucker for men buying me things, but sometimes it doesn't hurt!

The Customer Is Always Hott

Last night at my part time retail job I realized that, when busy I was starting to scope out for the hott guy customer. This made me laugh since I'm supposed to help people in the order they come and also, because it's not like helping some hott guy is going to result in a tryst back in the art section (best hiding spot in my opinion.) There did seem to be a higher percentage of hott men out shopping last night though. I guess they are all procrastinators....which is okay with me. Hott is hott.


Does that ever happen though? Some random makeout somewhere? The most random kissing moment I have ever had was New Years 2003 when I passed a hott guy in the street and turned around to get a better look. Much to my surprise he was doing the same thing and we gravitated back to each other and he said, "I haven't gotten my New Years kiss yet." (*swoon*) And then we kissed. Holy crap it was amazing! But that was New Years when kissing is expected. I think my random work makeout daydream is going to continue to be just that...in my head.

Mystery Ring

I was proposed to last night.



Crazy, right? To me, too....maybe because it didn't really happen! The story is now my favorite to tell at the moment so of course I shall share it with you all...

Last night, NotMiranda, NotJason and I exchanged gifts. We opened them one at a time and to make a long story short, I needed scissors to open one of mine from NotJason. So, since I had the scissors in hand I decided to also cut free the $6 ring I had purchased from Kohls earlier in the evening (silver with a rather large, fake-colored stone, cheesy, but cute.) So I cut the ring free, it falls and as I pick it up and put it on my left hand ring finger (without even thinking) I get very excited for both it, and the gift from NotJason.

NJ: Was that ring in there?!!!!!??!

NotCarrie: Huh? what? OH! No, I bought this earlier.

NJ: *look of complete and utter fear, white as a ghost* OH, Because I thought it was in with that we had been talking about rings*....I don't do rings.


*My sister's boyfriend gave her a ring and I told NotJason this earlier in the day.



Now, I find this interesting because:

1. How would a ring magically get in with a stocking stuffer type gift?
2. He and I are Just Friends...wouldn't it be very odd for me to FIND a ring and assume it is from him?
3. Again, Just Friends... it just struck me as so odd-his reaction. Not that it was negative (hellooo, Just Friends) but that his mind even went there. I'm not even one of those crazy type girls running around just looking to get engaged. Weird.



BUT HILARIOUS!!!!!

All Work And No Play

It's easy to deduce why progress with current boys takes so long and why I don't meet as many people as I used to: I work a lot. I work on average 60+ hours a week (between two jobs)which is not a crazy amount but with commuting time added in, it really cuts back on free time. Going out during the week rarely occurrs since I'm usually too tired or need my vegging out time and also because most of my friends work a lot, too.

Fridays are usually dedicated to doing something fun, though and I love love love my Fridays! The trend has emerged of spending my Fridays with NotMiranda and NotJason and we definitely have our share of fun.

Saturday nights are iffy as I usually have an early shift the next morning. A late night is out of the question which is what NotSusan usually does and then my Friday night cohorts are often working the closing shift on Saturday nights.

So really, I am condensing my entire social life into one night. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend;) When am I supposed to meet him? When are we supposed to bond and realize our mutual feelings for each other? I guess the next question would be, When, if I had a guy, do I expect to spend time with him? I'm still not going to work less or be able to stay out until all hours of the night before working. I've thought about this though and when I'm sprawled across my bed watching One Tree Hill from Netflix it's very easy to imagine some guy next to me, complaining that the show sucks. See, in my mind, a great boyfriend is also a great companion. Someone to spend time with...someone I enjoy spending time with...someone who makes doing something casual that much better just because he is there.


So I know what I want and what I will be happy with but there is still the problem of WHERE and HOW and WHEN this can happen? I enjoy watching TV while laying on my bed but I'm certainly not going to meet my future TV watching makeout buddy while there! (Unless he breaks in and I'm probably NOT going to want to date someone in prison.)

My Slumbering Heart

So i made it through yet another semester at NotHarvard. Goddamn i'm glad it's over. I'm off for an entire month and I couldn't be happier.

And what did i do to celebrate this wonderful occasion? On friday i got drunk with the Nots (and the honorary Not), and then on saturday i had a weird ass date.

I was supposed to meet up with this guy that i had talked to on myspace. Several things occured that stopped me from doing this, including a threat of a security check, 5 hours of shopping at the most hellious mall ever, and a slightly upset stomach.
So instead, I went out with NotGay.
But i'm not sure if it was a DATE. We initially met to go see "Brokeback Mountain." In dupont circle. For those of you who do not frequent DC on a regular basis, Dupont Circle is considered the gay district. So there i was, going to the gay district to see a gay movie with a man who people consider gay. I sure know how to stack the odds against me, eh?

So i get there and apparently it's sold out. So he decides we should go play pool. 2 hours and a few drinks later, i am still trying to decide if it's a date or not. he pays for everything. we have quasi-good conversation. he turns his new years party over to me so i can invite tons of people. i learn a shitload about his crappy home life. i move to leave and he hugs and kisses me.

This wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that he's so damn effeminant!! He's almost as bad as NotHusband, but we already know that story.
I need a manly man. I want rough and tumble, scruffy, muscular, BOLD men. Fawning over me. Right now. Or at least by the end of holiday break.

Any takers? ;-)

Memoirs of modern day geishas

I went to see Memoirs of a Geisha yesterday. The beautiful shots of what I can only assume really was Japan took my breath away. The geisha were also stunning with their practiced beauty. I entered the theater confused about what a geisha really was, wondering if they were really prostitutes. While I make no claims about being an expert on geishas now, I imagine myself enlightened. These women were truly masters in the art of seduction. Sex was sometimes part of the equation (bid wars over virginity were truly a trip), but it wasn't really the point. With the subtly of an exposed wrist or the lifting of shy eyes, fantasies are fulfilled and battles won.

I left the theater wanting to flirt, to snare a man with simply a look. It also hit me that some of us could be considered modern day geishas. The secrets for snaring men are the same. These 'Not' girls here are experts at giving great eyes (I'm fond of calling it eye sex). Now while some may still put the goodies out for bid, we all don't choose that route. Regardless, we are all about practicing those time-honored skills of seduction.

The Friend Crush Returns!

I have a new Friend Crush!

I am not sure how long the list is but I must be honest that two of them could possibly also be on the list of "People I Want To Bang* At My Second Job." And for clarity's sake, the PIWTB*AMSJ list is now up to three. But the PIWTB*AMSJ could be further explained, and clarified, with a Venn Diagram..perhaps at work tomorrow I will create and upload said Venn diagram, but for now I will just explain it:

Circle 1 (PIWTB*AMSJ) has three names and overlaps with Circle 2 (PIWTB*NOAMSJBAOARB**) which has one name. The name in Circle 2 (PIWTB*NOAMSJBAOARB) is also in Circle 1 (PIWTB*AMSJ). Confused?


I think it's fun! Oh, and I guess I should explain that not all Friend Crushes are in the PIWTB*AMSJ circle.





*Bang probably equals just making out but I'm trying to sound more badass than I really am.
**People I Want To Bang* Not Only At My Second Job But Also On A Regular Basis.)

Engagement Celebration!

The Not girls are going out for the evening to help a good friend celebrate her engagement. I can't divulge too many details on the evening, though because NotMiranda and I have planned this night and we have a few surprises up our sleeves. However, it is sure to be a fun and exciting time and hopefully all four of us come back with something to write about-if you know what I mean!

Kick Him Where It Hurts

When I was in 5th grade I had a crush on one of the neighborhood kids, NotNathaniel, but I was so shy and worried of rejection that I never did anything about it. Sure, it was 5th grade so what all could I have done, but it caused me to miss out a little on that elementary school Boyfriend/Girlfriendness. I tried though, in my little way, to let him know that I did indeed like him back:

I kicked him in the shins while we waited at the bus stop.

I know, it's ridiculous! We would stand there, waiting for the cheesewagon and I would just kick him, over and over in the shins and he would stand there and take it like a "man." Nothing ever came of my weird way of flirting but I think it was because he and his family moved before 6th grade. I kind of missed him for quite awhile and always felt like he would have been my Neighborhood Love had we grown up in the same area. We would have inevitably dated or hooked up or something, I just know it.

But I digress a little because the reason I started writing about kicking the guy I liked is because I'm starting to wonder if I should bring back my elementary way of flirting. I feel like I need to kick some sense into some guys (ok, one or two in particular) and get them to realize that I'm in like with them.

I work hard so I'll "Play" hard

I love comic books.

They give insight into the workings of the mind that most of the time people don't want to admit to. However, I make it a policy of being as honest with myself as possible. So, with that in mind, I'm instituting a new NOT policy. If you work like a dog *key "She works hard for her money" music*, then you get to play just as hard.

Lately, I've been killing myself with work, so this weekend I'm going to venture into the realm of a Play party...and its all the more attractive because I can bring a covered dish...so its a Potluck Play Party...sex toys and tupperware...dildos and pyrex....*smirk*

So on Saturday night as you sit down to your meatloaf...just know that I'll be sitting down to mine as well. I just hope it will all fit!

PS...no blushing at my post...it's not allowed.

Back To The Future

It was the winter after I had graduated from college and moved to the city. I had no job and a lot of spare time on my hands and looking back, I would probably call it my "Blue Period." It was also year 3 or so of knowing NotRoger, who by some weird coincidence was living in the same city as I was.

We had not talked for awhile when I saw his name start to pop up on AIM every once and awhile. Partly because I was bored and partly because he was still a conquest I had still not conquered, I got back in contact with him. From the beginning though I told him nothing was going to happen. I was worried that if I went to his apartment he was going to think it was some booty call. And I don't do booty calls. But I didn't really meant for NOTHING to happen so the first time I went over to his place I was very disappointed that he had not tried to kiss me!

I can't remember if I told him I had been disappointed or not but regardless of that, the next time I went over there was much better. We watched Back to the Future with him on one side of the couch and me on the other like we were in middle school and our parents were upstairs. But then, right when the lightening struck the clock he leaned over and kissed me.

I really appreciated him making that first move and was impressed he had the balls to do it. Later, when I told my friend about the night she said, "Awww, Back to the Future, that is SO romantic!"

Variations on a Theme

I have realized that men need to have the following qualities in order for me to be interested in him:
1. They have to be as smart, or a bit smarter, than me.
2. They have to love art/music and be either artistic/musically inclined.
3. They must be willing to try new things.
4. They can't be too picky.
5. They have to have enough self-confidence in themself, but not too much.
6. sense of humor that is beyond fart jokes and slapstick
7. The ability to carry a complete conversation without making weird voices or not taking anything seriously.

I have also realized that NotHusband has none of these qualities. More on this later, I need sleep more than I need to think about this.

When Were You Ever Under Me?

I thought I was getting over it. "It" being him but since all it has been is a crush I feel weird talking about it like people are going to start describing me as melodramatic. But last night on my drive home after a great evening with NotMiranda and NotJason I couldn't help but think about it all. I had such a nice time last night, decorating a Christmas tree and looking at pictures from before. It was the type of evening I would describe as "warm and fuzzy" if I even used phrases like, "warm and fuzzy," (I don't.)
My first thought was about my crushes and how when I get a crush, it's a Crush. I don't just get over them, I get attached and it usually only is resolved by us getting together or us drifting apart and not even talking that much anymore. I guess it goes along with part of my personality of not quitting things. Even if I'm barely holding on, I won't quit. It's why I double majored in college, it's why I still have a part time job along with m full time one, it's why I still email people I have seen in years because I won't give up on knowing them.
My second line of thinking was about how people actually get together and how is it possible for two people who won't make the first move to reach the next step. All the people in the world can say, "Just do it" but it's not that easy. I can make the first move when it doesn't matter. When I'm in a bar and just want to makeout or if it's with a friend who I know is in my life for a reason other than to be in my circle always. (NotRoger?)

I didn't really resolve anything last night while driving home and thinking things over except I do know now that I really, really want a Soundtrack To Me. I want it to play at the right times because you know how when you're watching some TV show or Movie and the song really adds to the moment and you "get it?" Maybe the right song at the right time would really help things...haha!

Oh and then last night I had the hand-holding dream again. I am such a dork, who has dreams about holding hands? Shouldn't I be having sex dreams or something? ;)

Cherry Stems

My friend, NotRebecca, just reminded me of this awful night in college. Actually, it was a fun night in college but maybe 'too' fun, if you know what I mean! So a group of us went to a neighborhood restaurant/bar for drinks-it was me, NotRebecca, NotSusan and *shudder* NotSteelyDan (don't ask). I don't think I've written about NotSteelyDan before but here he is in 50 words or less:

Tall, skinny, OCD, likes metal, platonic crush on MY college crush, moody, clingy, weird shoes, long hair, too-short pants, moves his balls around a lot (ha), dropped out of college because "everyone was against him," has had too many jobs to count...

When I describe him or think about him I have to also try to analyze why we were friends in the first place. As horrible as it is, I think we were friends for two reasons:

1. He was friends with the guy I had a gigantic crush on and
2. He had a crush on me at various times during our friendship

I could go on for hours analyzing him, analyzing our friendship, and telling stories from when we used to hang out. But the reason I started this blog was because NotRebecca reminded me of the Cherry Stem Tying Contest. It was my idea of course because one of my inate talents is that I can tie a cherry stem into a knot in my mouth. I'll hold for applause...

Anyway, so we are at this bar and drinking HORRIBLY mixed drinks when I start the contest and, of course, win. Then I have the bright idea to PASS THE CHERRY STEM TO NOTSTEELYDAN. (Even typing it out now makes my stomach churn.) I don't know why I decided that would be a good idea...maybe I just wanted to kiss someone, or maybe I was just being a tease (another blog, another day), or maybe I was doing it for shock value. Probably a combination of all three but I have to make a point of saying that I was never, ever, ever, attracted to NotSteelyDan. Ever. It's like he was who I practiced and honed my flirting technique with. I had nothing to lose with being crude or risque or saying flirty things to him. I never wanted to follow through though. Ever. (Can I stress that enough? haha!)

I'll write more on him later. Like I said, there's a lot to analyze. He's a crazy mofo.

Just Put Your Lips Together...

Like NotCharlotte, I have also begun to worry about my New Year's Eve plans. The past few years I have had AMAZING NYE celebrations. Last year was when I was sort of dating NotRoger so after my normal partying at my favorite bar and of course kissing NotDreds at midnight, I headed down the road to NotRoger's place. Let's just say I was there for awhile.
The year before that I went to my same favorite bar and kissed NotDreds at midnight and had a great time drinking and having a good time with my good friend NotSusan.
The year before that was my NYE to be proud of...the year I kissed 5 people and I'm not just talking pecks on the cheek or even innocent kisses on the mouth. I kissed hot strangers, hot friends, and even had an invitation to continue the evening from one (I declined.)

But this year has me stressing. I was even thinking about it on my drive into work this morning. Who thinks about their plans three weeks away at 730am? I DO! Because I am thinking about this to the point that I almost just want to stay home to avoid the stress and expectations of that night. If I go to my favorite bar then I can probably kiss NotDreds again but I'm not even sure of the situation of going there with NotSusan. If I hang around closer to my usual stomping grounds then I'm fairly certain I will go home disappointed and without a kiss. I like to be spontaneous but I also like for certain things to go a certain way and me getting kissed on January 1st is essential.

But what about this...My January 1st kiss can happen AFTER I've celebrated and slept and begun my day, right? I wonder if I could work up the nerve to kiss NotJason on the cheek later that day...This way I can go with the flow for the evening and see what plans transpire from now until then but I won't need to stress about being in the right place at the right time. Then I can find someone either that night or even later that day and give them a kiss. And a kiss on the cheek counts, too, right? It does...I say it does.

Oh phew...I feel a little better.

But inside I'm screaming....

We all have them. One of those days when its almost too much. *deep cleansing breath*
I try not to let my inner me out too much because, well, because its not pretty. I can be a moody bitch when I want to and tonight was one of the nights that I was unfit for human consumption. Basically, I wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible. Which I managed to do, except for my nagging conscious plaguing me.

See, I went about the responsible route with my new BDSM venture and got all my womanly testing done, which includes the usual run of STD testing...so while I await the results I began to think about the last time I had such testing done...10 years ago. Then I started to think...had it really been that long since I had seriously been ready to get down to the nitty gritty.

Personally, I think after 10 years I'm due for a little something something.

But I digress. (you guys are used to this by now or you should be)

I started laying out my sexual history and what encounters I had had over the past few years. What the possible risks of entering into something wholely new to me could be. Pregnancy for one, STDs for another. Surprisingly, the former worries me more than the latter...seeing as me and kids don't mix, well neither do me and STDs, but a good condom and I'm set, but those can't protect from breaking if you're a little overenthusiastic or if the guy comes with accessories below the belt...so for this I go with option number 2...the IUD...something that will prevent the pitter patter for a good 10 more years...

Then I started to freak when I realize I needed to add one more test to the cache I had done last week...pregnancy...well crap! Off the the OBGYN I go tomorrow at lunch, besides my test results should be back by then.

Alternative to Love

Operation: Get Kissed on New Years Day has now commenced.

The first step in this mission was "get invited someplace."
Which today, occurred for me.
NotGay is having a kick-ass party in his newly moved in house on Capitol Hill.
This will be the first new years that i have spent in the city. Last year i went to a party held by an old coworker. the year before that i had a party that ended in relentless x-box playing. the year before that was spent in a hotel watching a marathon of Sex and the City episodes.
Now, i had fun at all of those events, but no kissing ensued, either due to lack of boys, lack of alcohol, or lack of courage.

Not this time.

The thing that runs in my mind is the statement that "if you don't kiss anyone at midnight, you'll be single all of next year."
Even though that's not true, i mean i had a couple of relationships in this past year and you know my new years history, i still am making myself believe it so.

This year has been different for me, so why not end it differently?

Don't put your key in a bowl!

What an interesting weekend, and oddly enough much of it was spent outside the company of the Not girls. Friday night I stepped outside my comfort zone. A friend from work, NotHilarious, invited a few people over to her Capital Hill abode for Burrito Night. As I eyed the guest list pre-party, I came to the realization that I was the only single (i.e., nonmarried) girl going to a party where emergency contacts were encouraged to attend. Unlike NotCarrie, I fretted about going to a party alone and being surrounded by couples. Come on...have you seen Bridget Jones' Diary?! They rip her to shreds. Luckily, common sense and my love of new experiences got the better of me, and I decided to give it a go anyway (besides...Bridget did end up stealing Mark Darcy).

Outcome: The experience was not quite what I expected. Pockets of uncomfortableness mixed with their own fascination with themselves gave me the opportunity to truly observe them like a foreign species. I found they weren't perfect and could tell that couplehood wasn't always easy. I watched a friend's lack of confidence hover below the surface at her husband's absence. I could see a husband needle his wife about her flaws and see her eyes alight with that "your ass is so going to get kicked" look. I could see that marriage didn't end all of their problems. Were they happy? Yes, but it wasn't easy. Do I want what they have? Definitely, but I'm ok with waiting for my timing to be right.

I did take away one piece of advice from the party. When the couples start getting all touchy and bust out the back rubs, it's time to go. When someone mentions the next party should be a pillows and panties party, you know you should have left five minutes ago.

Unorthodox Date

I had such a great date tonight for my work's Holiday Party...

My sister!

Okay, okay...it wasn't a date but we did have an awesome evening. I originally had invited NotJason but he had other plans and the other male backups aren't in the area so I asked my sister to go. She at first was going as a favor to me but once she learned that it was $70 a plate and my company was picking up the tab she was excited to be my "date."

I had such a great time though because I was totally at ease the whole night. We ate everything and could ask each other for the "all clear" regarding food in our teeth without being embarassed. We were able to talk about people without them knowing because we can practically read each other's minds and speak with minimal words. It was an enjoyable night because we have a million ways to amuse ourselves and make each other laugh.

I'm so glad I took my unorthodox date tonight. As I've been writing this, I have been going over a couple of different ways to conclude:

I wish I had a boyfriend with whom I can have enjoyable evenings like this all the time.

Why do myself and other women try to come off as someone they aren't in order to attract a male (i.e. eating every appetizer three-fold, asking to do the teeth check, etc.)?

Should I close with humor and the fact that my sister wants me to get married to NotJason even though we are strictly friends? This amused me, at least. I thought her little idea was funny.

I think, instead, that I am going to reaffirm my confidence in NOT having a boyfriend and that being okay. I've never been one to wallow in my singleness and if anything I have looked at it as a positive. Of course I want to be in a relationship full of love and kisses and shared memories and inside jokes but I am also able to look at the opposite in a "glass half-full" way. I do what I want, when I want and I have great friends and family to take along for the ride. I'm not out there looking for someone to 'complete' me. I am already ME. I'm out there looking for the person who can appreciate and enjoy me to the fullest and vice versa. Until (and if) I find him, I hope to have more nights like tonight where I am reminded that there is more to life than just finding a man.


Thanks lil' sis!

I'll be...

Last night, on my drive home, I was listening to The Postal Service and "Brand New Colony" came on. Seeing as how 4:30pm is prime "I'm tired" time, the song really got to me and Ben Gibbard's lyrics were almost too much. Not too much that I didn't listen to the song over and over, my entire ride home, though. The following, is romance:

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new  names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change, oOo oOo...

*Swoon*

I believe in symmetry

I have a problem.
His name is NotHusband.
He is my best friend, without a doubt, but lately I've been wanting to punch him in the gut.
We've been "married" since February but as of late it's like we really are. I can't do much of anything unless he's involved (Not that i don't want to, but just having the option to...). I'm not allowed to talk to other boys around him without him getting really jealous.
That's what bothers me most. I can't talk about boys around him. I can't mention that i like flirting. Or that i want a boyfriend.
You'd think that with a "gay boyfriend" you'd be able to talk about guys and share secrets about weddings and stuff. Not with this guy.
To be honest, i have my doubts as to whether or not he's really gay. Then he starts singing along to Mariah Carey, complete with the high notes and I think in my head "oh, there's no way in hell he's not."
Anyway.
So the past few months he and I have been really close. We even go on "double dates" with our fianced friends and have the best time ever. We scare them by arguing about the names of our children and tease/argue/flirt like a married couple. And it's been fun, don't get me wrong...
But then it reached it's head. The same night of our wonderful double date, we decided to meet up with NotDave for some drinks. The fiance's had to leave, so it was just me and NotHusband going. Big mistake. The ENTIRE time he acted like my boyfriend, hands on me, calling me "hon" and making not only me but NotDave uncomfortable as hell.

So we left early and on the way home i burst out at him, asking him why he was like this.
"I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GAY" he shouted. i was silent. then the story came tumbling out. He doesn't ever like me talking about men around him. he wishes all of his girl friends would be single forever just so he can have them all to himself. he can actually see himself marrying me and me having our children.

"That selfish bastard" was all i could think to myself. By the time we reached my house we had decided that this conversation had never happened. But it's still in my mind.

So a couple weeks pass and just when i think it's okay, he starts pulling the same shit again. this time about NotGay. "I'm not in a NotGay mood, don't invite him on Friday."
I rolled my eyes at him and called him out. "you just don't want me flirting with him, do you?" and he said "no."
Then he pulled that same line about wanting his girl friends to just be single forever.

So you know what i did? I invited him anyway.
This is my life. I do NOT want to be some fag hag for my prime years. If this means that i have to "break it off" with NotHusband for awhile then maybe that's what i have to do.

And this is why men and women can never just be friends...

My Type

Most people can say they are attracted to a certain "type" or person. I have often tried to figure out what similarity exists among the guys I have either had crushes on or have been involved with.
-Not all of them had dark hair which I would have said is a requirement for me just because I prefer it.
-While most of them were funny, not all of them got my jokes which is definitely essential.
-Not all of them played an instrument.
-Not all of them were taller than me (1 was the same height and what a pain (literally) that was for me and my posture)


When I think about it though, the thing that ties them all together is a love for music. I don't want this to come across like a Hallmark movie but but when someone shares a passion it can be such an intense bond. I think that every guy I have pursued has had an intense interest in music whether it was for a certain band, an instrument, writing it, hearing it, being it, living it, etc.

Recognizing this passion in someone just increases my attraction to them ten-fold. It's like it is an indication of what they can give...If someone can be that passionate about an art-form then imagine how passionate they would be about someone they loved.

I think it's exciting.

A life rich in daydreams

Do you have a rich daydream life? I know I do. My daydreams get me through those lulls in the day. Daydreaming of NotAuthor got me through morning traffic yesterday. I don't know what it is about him, but he just exudes sex appeal. He is one of those guys who isn't the hottest around, but his intelligence, humor and quirky good looks inspire my mind to drift off into space and imagine ways he could make me lose my religion. It could also be that he was one of my original "sex spy" interviews, and I know certain things about him. We talked the other day, and I am supposed to email him about doing lunch. I'm hesitating not because I think anything would ever happen but because I know I would want it to (his girlfriend abroad be damned). And, if hell were to freeze over and the opportunity ever to arise, this girl would be his for the taking.

*update: I sent the lunch email. : )

The land of wine and roses...

So i'm back. And just about cheesed/farmed/puppied out. Okay, not so much the last one.
No hookups with cheeseheads, or kisses with farm-hands, but i did get an interesting tidbit of information.
My grandmother is a psychic. Not one of those 1-800 psychics where you can hear the snap of their gum and clack of playing cards over the phone. I'm talking about REAL psychic. She helps cops find theifs and stuff. Well, she used to anyway.
My grandmother is 70 years old and her health is starting to fade. Her predictions are rarely right when it comes to our family. She's got about a 1 in 5 chance of hitting the correct train of thought in regards to anything familial. Which i suppose is a blessing, considering she can usually tell when someone is about to die, get sick, or have a baby.
But i digress.
I spent a lot of time with my grandma over the course of three days and we immediately bonded. My parents and I had decided to take her out to lunch and away from the rest of the family for some quiet talking time. This is where the interesting part comes in.
In between bites of cheeseburgers (from Culver's, the best place to ever reach the Midwest), we start discussing my future career. My dad started in with his usual bullshit about following in his footsteps, etc. when grandma blurts out "She doesn't want that, she wants to be in love."

I stopped mid chew and sort of looked at her. I should probably mention that she and I have never been close, mainly because she's just "not that type of grandma." But this one statement made me feel connected to her somehow. Because it's 100% true. I want to be in love. She said the words that i have been avoiding for years.
Screw the future, my career, school. I want to be in love. I want the ridiculous, head over heels, kiss me just because you want to type of love.
This statement made me sad and happy all at once. Did she say this because she "felt" it or because it was blatantly obvious? Do i look like someone who only wants to be in love?

This gives me a lot of things to think about. I just found it interesting that the one person who knows me least, out of all of the family and friends i hold dearly to me, calls out my number one priority as though it's common knowledge.

Maybe i'm just read easily...

Mistletoe, STAT!

For a self-proclaimed Kissing Whore, I sure am struggling to keep my status lately. I'm not even going to say how long it has been since I've kissed someone. Partly because I fear it's been so long but also because I just now sort of remembered a night at my favorite bar and a friend I tend to get "comfortable" with. I accidently got really drunk there about a month ago and I definitely remember hugging him a lot but am not sure if I kissed him, too. But I digress.

I NEED TO KISS SOMEONE! And soon. Or I will explode. The situation is dire. It is causing me to only be able to write in very short sentences. But I digress again...

What if I forget how to kiss and then that perfect moment I am longing for with whatshisname finally comes and I don't know what to do? Is kissing like riding a bike? I'm pretty sure I still know how to ride my bike even though I haven't tried in years. (Note: It has been less than "years" since my last kiss so don't go looking for clues that aren't there.) This isn't even the longest in between kisses (hello, Freshman year shyness) but I sort of got used to being able to kiss whenever I wanted to with NotRoger. I've even considered calling him up to hang out platonically with the hope that something happens. I text messaged that guy I get "comfortable" with on Saturday and from his end of the conversation it was evident I could have gotten kisses and a whole lot more, if I had wanted.

My mind though, right now, is on one track (obsessively at times) so calling up old beaus is not going to quench the kissing thirst! I have no conclusion to this....Why isn't mistletoe everywhere? It would help.

Sleep Tight

I have to be up in roughly four hours to get ready for work. Why am I not asleep?

Because going to sleep involves turning the music off, disconnecting from the internet, getting in my bed, and clearing my head in order to drift off to sleep. Can I clear my head, though? Not at all.


When I was in college I started my kick of photographing everything that happened. I didn't even have a camera at the time, so I borrowed my moms and started taking it everywhere. I have a shelf full of photo albums from that year in college. One time my friend was looking through one and after a few pages set it down and said, "Gosh, NotCarrie, get enough pictures of him?" Him was my huge crush of college and my friend was right, every other picture had him in it. It was indicative of who I spent the most time with and who I wanted to document as being a part of my life.

Earlier I was looking at pictures of myself on someone's elses online photo album. I am not trying to make some grand connection here, but NotMiranda was right, he should have a folder of just me.


:)

Kite that lost the breeze

It's odd, but I feel like sometimes I only drift over to this site to post when I'm feeling melancholy. I don't want to be the drag...the girl who depresses everyone and whose comments start to feature a variety of ways to say 'get a grip'. I just have moments of blue and feel like I need to tell somebody. Unfortunately, the only 'body' I feel like I can confide in comes in a plastic encasing and, while probably smarter than me, offers no real emotional support back. I was soaring this morning, perky and everything. Of course, you know when your mind decides you're much too happy and thinks you need a dose of reality? Well, my inner bitch decided I was feeling too good about myself this morning, so she decided to take me back down memory lane. I'm driving along, enjoying a good cd when I start to think of him and the cold night he proposed to me. I suppose it was inevitable that I drift back to him during the holidays and start to think of what our life would have been like. Who's house would we have had Thanksgiving at yesterday? Would I have managed to avoid having a kid by now? Probably not...not with him. As a tear slides down my face, I prepare to face the day. I prepare to not think about him for has to be the millionth time.

Kiss Quiz

My latest addiction online is Blogthings and today I just had to take the Kissing Purity Test! Here are my answers because hell, this blog is called No Sex and the City and the ante needs to be upped while I piddle around in my current situation:

You've kissed someone...

-on the cheek (YES)
-on the lips (YES)
-on their neck (YES)
-in my room (YES although when I took it earlier I said no because I totally forgot about when I have my apartments before)
-in their room (YES)
-of the opposite sex (YES)
-of the same sex (YES but I always feel the need to explain that it was a dare. I take Truth or Dare seriously)
-a little younger than me (YES)
-a little older than me (YES)
-who was a complete stranger (YES)
-shorter than me (YES)
-with facial hair (YES)
-with curly hair (YES)
-with blond hair and blue eyes (YES although honestly, I can't remember eye color)
-with red hair (NO, I don't think so but I know who I'd like to start with)
-with a tongue ring (YES)
-with a lip ring (NO although I certainly tried)
-who was chewing gum (YES)
-who was drunk (YES)
-while I was drunk (YES)
-who was going out with someone else (YES)
-while I was going out with someone else (NO)
-who I didn't want to kiss (YES)
-right after I kissed someone else (YES)
-while kissing someone else at the same time (NO)
-at a party (YES)
-at the end of a first date (NO but granted I don't go on many date, by definition)
-at church (NO)
-in the rain (YES)
-in the backseat of a car (NO but I have a feeling I'm forgetting someone)
-on a plane (NO)
-on a roller coaster (NO)
-under water (NO)
-in a foreign country (NO)
-in a public restroom (NO)



And what have we learned? I'm a kissing whore:)

Tis the season...oh bugger that, just shut up and kiss me...!

The holidays bring out the best and worse in all of us. But for me they always seem to be a time to reflect on my relationships with the opposite sex...or lack thereof. Now before you go running off because you're afraid this is another post about not having that special someone during the holiday season, I am here to assure you that this post will be nothing like that...at least it won't start out that way.

While I was attached last year to someone (read NotSkippy), I find that this year I'm not so inclined to want to partner up for the sake of a person to kiss on New Years or someone to exchange sappy gifts with.

Right now my goings on with the members of the opposite sex have a lot to do with mutual gratification and scratching an itch than with trying to make sense of the relationship thing and finding the ONE that I want to spend the rest of my life with (if that will even happen). Instead I find myself content with just the physical relationships I'm developing with men...and surprisingly, I don't feel bad about it at all.

So while I'm sure others are moping about trying to make heads or tales of who to kiss on New Years eve I have this advice for you.

Grab the first hot guy that walks by you and lay one on him. Stop worrying about who you'll be with for the rest of your life and live in the now. Because, as cliched as it sounds, tomorrow's promised to no one, including you.

Pheromone Like

Just like the time my knickers were cute and noone was seeing them, my new perfume smells amazing and I want someone to get close enough to smell and appreciate it.

Mmmmm!

I've been a bad, bad blogger....

But to be quite honest, i haven't felt like explaining my current situation regarding members of the opposite sex.
It would take up pages and really, i don't think you want to read about it ;-)

So instead, i will describe to you the difference between men i am attracted to and men that are attracted to me.

Men I am attracted to:
~are taller than me
~are scruffy
~are quite intelligent. most times a bit more intelligent than me.
~are quite proficient in the usage of english grammar
~have an incredible sense of humor.
~have a slight arrogance about them
~are goal-oriented
~like sex/love/relationships but are not complete horn dogs

Men that tend to be attracted to me:
~are my height or shorter
~are more street smart than book smart... which leads to them having a
~lack in proficient english grammatical skills
~do not have much of a sense of humor
~are quite narcissistic
~are only after one thing. and you know what that thing is
~are confused about their sexual orientation. whether they know it or not.

Now, i'm not saying that the men i am attracted to are not attracted to me. It happens, just not as often as I'd like it to.

This makes it very hard to find a mate.

With this list of "pros" and "cons" i head off to the land of corn fields, butter burgers, and cheese head hats.
That's right. This city girl is headed for Wisconsin for Thanksgiving.
Perhaps the men will be fruitful and my multiplying need for a kiss will be satisfied.

Wish me luck ladies...

Opposites attract?

This isn't a political post, but I feel the need to point out the fact that I am a liberal woman. At times you could even call me radical. I have extreme views that are definitely left-leaning. Why, then, am I attracted to conservative men? Conservative men make my blood boil in a very negative way. I have known more than a few that I have wanted to bitch slap or send live on the streets for just a week. Despite this, I often find myself attracted to (and even turned on by) these same men! Why is this so?! Do I have an argumentative streak that is always on the lookout for its match? Am I secretly excited by verbal sparring? Really, this same confusion applies to my sometimes attraction to arrogant (overly confident) men. I know part of it probably has to do with the fact that both groups of men likely have a passion for something. I love a man who gets excited and worked up (evidently even if it's about our social welfare system or himself). This is the best I can do in terms of rationalization.

No Sex

Just reporting in that there has been no sex and no city this weekend for me. With other obligations, I took the time off to relax and catch up on One Tree Hill (because I am patiently waiting for Gilmore Girls Season 5 to come out and am enjoying these new shows I am getting into.)

I like One Tree Hill. It is a bunch of misunderstood teenagers who all want each other set to (mostly) good music. I'm a sucker for a good soundtrack. (And Chad Michael Murray.) It also reminds me of my melodramatic friends in high school who tried their hardest to have dramatic relationships. Like they were supposed to or something. I refused to participate in the lunacy of "teenage romance." Sure, I definitely had my crushes and guys, but I was able to step back from it all and look at my friend's relationship's with their boyfriends and girlfriends and see it with a little more maturity. I'm glad I didn't get sucked into that crap back then.
I will admit that much of my trepidation was a direct result of me being shy and being afraid that I would come off looking stupid or unwanted. But I also knew that I didn't want to be one of "those girls." The ones who were so "in love" that they couldn't say hi to their friends because they were at Prom with their boyfriends. PROM for goodness sakes! I knew when I was AT Prom how ridiculous it was.

But I digress...I don't mean to offend anyone who had, or has, a good relationship in high school. I just honestly think, that for the most part, most relationships in high school are a little comical. But I do love watching TV shows about them! (One Tree Hill, The O.C., kicking it old skool with MY SO-CALLED LIFE!)


Okay, I just swooned at the thought of Jordan Catalano...

Diggin' the 'scene'

Recently, I've been working my way into the BDSM scene. I've discovered that in liking the kinks that I have there are other who share the same and/or are willing to fulfill them.

Surprisingly, however, I have found that the 'scene' as it were is a very close knit and happy group....with groping as a side benefit.

I haven't decided exactly how much I'm going to relay on this blog, but needless to say NotMiranda has heard a large part of it. Not all, but some.

Do I think this is the right choice for me...right now yes. Later, well...later can take care of itself for right now and if it can't well it can lick my 5-inch patent leather boot.

But I'm Awake!

I am upset to realize that my irrational thinking and behavior that comes out at times can no longer be blamed on being tired. I woke up at 11am today and yet I found myself on the verge of tears during my weekly rehearsal. The horribleness that is Tuesday is unrelated to the amount of sleep I get the night before. I am going to now eat a lot of pizza and watch Gilmore Girls and curse the world.

Don't be alarmed...Tuesdays just bring out the following: apathy, frustration, anger, callousness but once the day is over, every thing is (usually) okay.

Puzzle Pieces

I was in Coldstone (yes, ice cream!), waiting for my Like It Coconut Cream Pie cone when I entertained myself by observing one of the teenage employees and the guy who was talking to her. It made me smile because you could tell she was just giddy from being in conversation with him while he was trying to play it cool and not show too much emotion. When they said their goodbyes it struck me how obvious it was to everyone that they liked each other. He knows, she knows...hell, even I know now! But then I got angry because how can it be so much easier for them to let the other know there is an interest there. They are teenagers, and by definition awkward, yet their puzzle pieces just seem to fall right into place. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to put my puzzle together wearing a blindfold and with instructions in Russian.

Creaky knees and faded memories

This past week I have consumed more than my normal share of alcohol. I have had (1) a 30th birthday; (2) went on our staff retreat (retreat and drinking come from the same root word); and (3) was with NotCarrie at Friday night's soiree. It's funny because, if possible, drinking brings both more clarity and greater confusion. The clarity comes in realizing what some of my issues are when they suddenly fade away when intoxicated. For example, drinking makes be bolder with the boys. I also dance more freely. I suddenly care much less about what other people think and more about my own happiness. Unfortunately, I've also noticed a few instances where I've lost chunks of my life. Not being able to remember frightens me because no matter how much I want happiness and mental freedom being emboldened gives me, I fear giving control to my subconscious mind. After my night of dancing during our staff retreat, it came to my attention that seemed to have lost an hour or so of memory. I spent the rest of the retreat avoiding certain guys I was silently crushing on in my right mind because I was afraid I would have acted on it in my drunk mind.

Truth Serum

Ok, So I got drunk last night. I guess I can't really hide the fact after the awesome post I left late last night. Although I don't drink a lot anymore, I still get the same feeling of dread the next morning as I wake up and wonder what damage I left behind the night before. I never get extremely drunk and have never passed out or not known where I was. But I am guilty of being a drunk dialer, drunk texter, and apparently, drunk blogger.
This morning, however, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my drunk antics were nothing to be embarassed about. A blessing in disguise was my new cell phone which I have yet to add my many contacts to. Out of the few names I have in there so far I was with two and didn't try calling the others. I emailed NotCharlotte to apologize for the phone call made from NotMiranda's phone but it came out something like this, "fjfjdskfdsfj" so I'm not sure if she was able to translate it. I also emailed NotJason (who was upstairs, so go figure) and was a little worried about what I said in that one. One time I left a very confessional voice mail and was extremely relieved to find out the next day that the call had ended before my voice was heard. (However, I still have some doubt about this and wonder if maybe he told me I left no message so I wouldn't be embarassed.) Most of last night's email was in the same language as NotCharlotte's but once my drunk-ass realized I was able to type if I just slowed down I got some coherant sentences in.
The problem with me being worried about my truths coming out while drinking is that maybe there shouldn't be things out there that haven't been said already. I wish I could say that I lay it all out there and let people know how I feel but I most definitely do not. I am not really wishing for a change in my personality but there are a few things that really need to be said, and soon, and definitely not while under the influence. They are too important.

Last night was fun, though!

I am drunk.


amd wam=nting some lovinlg. righ t nmow

Well that ended well...

Note to Reader:
This post is more a rant to myself, it will not make sense, so please don't try to analyze it.
And I probably won't want to explain this one to the nots, sorry girls.
I just need a place I can write this out.

I am in the most fucked up, weird ass relationship ever. And it's not even a relationship.

Tonight was good until the end. Seriously. Why does stuff have to be so complicated?!

I'm going to go become a nun.

Come On Girl, Play!

Porn.

I don't get it.


As in, I don't understand why people like it. Especially in magazine form. The other day NotMiranda and I bought a Playboy to give to someone as a gag gift. We of course covered all of the "parts" as part of the joke but it got me thinking about guys and porn...and then women and porn.

Men: Studies all over the place show that men "do their homework" (=masturbate) a lot and studies even show that they need to physiologically. And I guess for some of them, seeing some big busted woman is hot or something. Or they just need that visual er, stimulation. So to sum this awkward paragraph up: I can understand why some guys enjoy porn.

Women: My friend, NotSusan and I bought a PlayGIRL once as a gag gift and left it open in our friend's living room for a party he was having. Noone even took a second glance at the naked wang or remarked on the "hott ass in the pictures!" We looked through the magazine ourselves and were not impressed. It was more comical than anything. Are there women out there who buy this magazine for specific purposes other than as a gag gift? The magazine can not stay in business just to provide a few laughs here and there. But who buys it? Noone ever talks about the "hot centerfold in Playgirl this month" and you never see movies where the teenage girl has her secret stash of Playgirls discovered by her mom while cleaning.

Personally, I would rather there be a magazine focused entirely on the pelvic muslce, the hottest part of a male's anatomy. I propose that the first issue be dedicated to Brad Pitt, the Kind of the Pelvic Muscle, and the centerfold shall be of him in Fight Club. Holy hell he is hot. Ok but wait, I have lost my focus of this blog as I started thinking about lovely Brad and his pelvic muscles.

Oh who am I kidding. Brad Pitt is hot, Playgirl is not.

The End

She came, she saw...she tried on a corset...

This weekend while NotMiranda was prepping for a night on the town with NotCarrie, NotCharlotte and yours truly I was making my way into the BDSM world. I started by going with my friend NotJackie to an event with her friend Notubergeek to a shadier side of the Capital for shopping and free seminars. It was a good way for me to get introduced to the one thing I've been contemplating since breaking up with NotSkippy, if I want to be truly honest I was thinking about it even before then.

I went, I saw and I tried on a corset. A lovely confection of black satin and red and pink cherry blossoms which can be mine for the economical price of $450...which I fully intend to shell out as a present to myself.

I also managed to buy some very nice shoes...okay they have 4 inch heels and are definately the ultimate in CFM wear, but I love them...they are so very very hot.

I also got to watch women who are not the model thin, and silicone enhanced of the porn movie realm drop trou and display themselves in front of audiences of 60 or more people for demonstrations. It was very liberating. I also got to see a shirt painted on using liquid latex.

More importantly I got to learn about a scene that most people don't give enough thought to. Its a very tightly knit group of people who are very comfortable with themselves and with the choices they've made sexually, which caused me to wonder. How often do we hold back asking for something we want in the bedroom because we think it wouldn't be widely excepted?

I'm kinky and part of discovering the kinkier side of my nature included going to this event and others and learning about what I want and don't want from my partner.

Now...all I have to do now is set up a 'play date'.

The Trouble with Loving Men...

So have i told you before, that I love men? In pretty much any way: gay, straight, fatherly, brotherly, etc.
I just happen to attract gay men. I, NotCharlotte, am a Fag-Hag.
This all started in high school when I immediately befriended this goth girl, who turned out to be bisexual. This opened the door for other such individuals to befriend me because I, NotCharlotte, was an apparently openminded individual who couldn't care less about others' sexual orientations.
Which brings me to my current situation.
I have a gay husband (NotHusband) and a gay betrothed (NotTheater). Both of these men claim that they are gayer than a leather pinata, but even I have my doubts.
I have had many in-depth conversations with my husband about whether or not he's really gay. He does not believe in gay rights, he only likes taking men from behind, and he's somewhat of a stuck up jerk when it comes to treating men right.
The thing is, what happens if he decides he's not gay? We are in this weird situation where the more time we hang out, the more it feels like we're actually a couple. People have actually asked me if we're dating and to be honest, sometimes it feels as though the answer is yes.
As for NotTheater, he has told me that he's the Straighter version of Gay. Which confuses the hell out of me. He's a VERY touchy feely guy and I cannot hang out with both of my guys at the same time, because there's competition. YES competition! I have talked with both of them about it and they both agree that they feel they're the only "gay" for me and therefore the other one is made fun of, etc. Which is weird all in itself.
So, in closing:
When does the college experiementation end and life decisions are made? Is being gay in your early 20s just a fad? What happens when your best friend decides that they want to try heterosexual experiences?
That makes me sort of nervous, but that will be left for another time...

Gaydar

I have had a lot of gay men in my life, and for a period of time, that was all that I hung out with. Now, I once again find myself surrounded by increasing numbers of gay men as our local Queen Keeper (NotCharlotte) continues to pick up a number of surrogate boyfriends. The problem is that in this day and age I have found it increasingly difficult to distinguish between a gay man and an evolved metrosexual. Why is this even important? Aren't we all just people? We are (just people), but as a single woman, I don't have time to waste on falling for, stalking or becoming intimately interested in a gay man. I have had this problem before, and trust me, I "changed" no one. This leads me back to my original problem. How do we tell the difference in these modern times and not get burned? Also, do we risk labeling a sensitive straight man simply because he doesn't fit into society's typical "man" mold?

thirty, flirty & thriving

I woke up today to face the world as a 30 year old woman. If I'm being honest, I've actually spent the last week dealing with and celebrating that fact.

- I have drunk a bottle of wine while taking a relaxing bubble bath.
- I have confessed affection to man I've had a crush on for a while (cowboy).
- I managed to kiss at least 4 of the 30 guys on my Project 30 Kisses for 30 Years (might have to prolong it into a month-long goal).
- NotSamantha bought me a vibrator shaped like a rubber duck.
- I have had Bottoms Up pizza and been show the fun areas of Richmond.
- I have danced my way into my 30s.

Happy Birthday, my dear NotMiranda... I hope this year brings you a lot more check marks and good times with your dear Nots.

We love you!!

Drop and give me 20

I have a thing for men in uniform. Not just a little thing, mind you.

Just seeing commercials for that new movie "Jarhead" makes me want to burst into orgasmic spasms.

Military men, man oh man.

An Empty Well

I am at such a loss for something to blog about. The current situation has no news as the weekends are the time for advancement and the weekdays are merely to analyze the past weekend. I am even having trouble trying to recall a story from the past just to entertain! Noone around me is doing anything of interest (NotGirls not included, they can tell their own stories). I guess I will just have to wait until the weekend gets started in order to have something to blog about.

Good thing I have a lot planned for the weeked!

All that I can't say...

I've been thinking this week about all the things I don't say about myself (and for the Nots who know me pretty well that's saying a lot). The really personal, deep down issues that could make most run screaming into the darkness if they were to see. And then with this thought I had to wonder if I were being true to this blog and the reasona that I write in it.

*shrug*Don't know.

What I do know is that I can't bear all of my soul for the universe to sniff at, find lacking and then pee all over, I get enough of that from self introspection.

So here's a post about all the things I can't say, but sometimes wish I could.

Can't Stop; Won't Stop.

Due to a phone call that NotMiranda made last night to someone from our past, I had weird dreams/thoughts about this specific someone. That makes me want to see this certain someone again.

It's weird how someone is out of your mind until you are reminded of them, then that's pretty much all you can think about.

Is that sad?

Is settling down really selling out?

I'm turning 30 soon, and NotCarrie and I were discussing what this birthday means to me. Negative? Positive? I think 30 will be fabulous. I'm content with where I am in my life and my general accomplishments. Do I have some growing up to do? Some issues to work through? Yes, and I am ok with that. As is sometimes the case, our conversation drifted toward men and relationships. I talked with her about how I've always "known" I would be one of those people who got married late in life but also how I would have liked to have been in a serious relationship as I pass into a new decade. Having not been in a serious relationship for quite some time you do find yourself questioning what's so different about you? Why can't I find some good enough and who thinks I'm good enough, too? One thing I do know is that, no matter how frustrated I get sometimes, I can't settle. I can't be one of those women who takes the first thing that comes along or who just wants TO BE MARRIED. So, as I stumble through these last few days as a 29 year old, I am going to not settle. I am, however, going to tell that cowboy how I feel about him. That's not settling...that's just smart.

Seemingly Easy

My coworker, who is in my age bracket, came in on Monday to tell me her great news, "NotCop asked me to be his girlfriend!" I did the obligatory squeals of joy for her and asked all of the appropriate questions but I will readily admit I was a tad bit jealous.

("Jealous" is a word I am desparately trying to use less of but in this case, it is necessary.)

I am envious of the ease with which this new relationship has come to her. They've known each other for a year but just recently have been hanging out more and more. She has come in more often than not red eyed and exhausted but with a smile on her face having spent the evening before hanging out with NotCop until the late hours of the night. And now, he has asked her to be his girlfriend. They are exclusive. And happy.

I am happy for her because she has had her share of heartache and bad experiences in the past, but I also struggle to understand why this can be so easy for some people! And I don't think she is doing anything differently, or at least it's nothing I can figure out. I guess I can't judge the situation because my understanding of it is cursory. It's like judging a book by it's cover. Sure, NotCop and NotOhio seem to have eased into something really great but I bet there is more to it. I know personalities make a difference as I am not able to be as open about something like, "Be my boyfriend" and tend to approach the potential 'boyfriends' who have the same personality traits.

I really am happy for her though...I just hope I can come in on a Monday (soon!) and receive the obligatory squeals and not have to give them.

Satisfaction

NotCharlotte's Halloween party on Friday was a good fit...the right number of people, an eclectic mix, everyone in costumes. I noticed a common thread running among all of guests that hasn't really been commented on. Perhaps I only notice it is there because I am aware of it lurking behind my eyes, too. Look into the eyes of any of the revelers that evening and you would have seen a desire...a desire for more. No one there was fully satisfied with where they were at that given moment. I'm not talking about the physicality of being at NotCharlotte's. Everyone had a great time and definitely wanted to be there. It's just that, for some reason, while we were all busy being someone or something else our desire for that unattainable became more visible.

The Dangling Conversation

So last night I had a Halloween Party.
And dare I say, it was a success! The right amount of people came (including the lovely Not Girls, dressed in the best costumes of the night), the right amount of food was eaten, drinks drunk, conversations had.
Toward the end of the evening, around 4am, the conversations got a bit more personal... and dare I say interesting.
Most people had left by then and a small group of us went downstairs to the comfy couches to unwind and sober up.
To the tunes of NotGreatHead's guitar, we inevitably started talking about relationships, and "types."
One guy that had decided to stay was of slight interest to me. NotNY. Due to slight indications that he may be gay, I have simply been observing his mannerisms and relations with my friends. My best friend, NotHusband, was convinced he was gay, and proceeded to hit on him for the entire evening. These two men finally decided to hash it out in the remains of the night, NotNY giving quite convincing arguements to the fact that he was indeed not attracted to men.
NotHusband wasn't quite content with this answer and prodded him into letting us in on the secret that he had in fact "experimented" with men in the past and decided that it just didn't do it for him. He went on to explain that he was so comfortable with his sexuality that if his personality reflects the fact that he acts gay, so be it.
His justification of his personality was so intriguing to me. Being comfortable with yourself is the most important step to becoming who you really are. I simply listened for most of the night until the conversation progressed into what he thought "his" type was. His most important quality? How a woman holds themselves. One of my friends asked him to use me as an example, and of course I didn't object. He said that I held myself so confidently, he knew that I was comfortable with myself completely.
This was kind of a shock to me. I never considered myself "comfortable" with my own body. I have always struggled with the way I look, but I guess I fool people into thinking that I do indeed hold myself in high regard.
The conversation went on and I learned that men happen to think of me as "hot" and "confident," which was either a lie (due to alcohol), or a nice surprise.

It's not that often that I have the chance to get compliments handed to me like this, so I think I'll consider it the latter.

Last night was surprisingly fulfilling, I'm glad that the people who mattered were there, it meant a lot.

NotSkippy you can kiss my lily (okay its not lily) white (okay...its not white) ass!

I wish to indulge in something I try to not do a lot of...passive agressive posting. Because right now I feel the need to vent and this is the venue in which I choose to do it...its either this or put my car through a certain Not character's window.

NotSkippy, oh ye of the issues with women, the issues with me, the self-deprecating way in which you chose to suffer with Boobzilla instead of making me feel good about you having moved on to at least something comparable to me, can kiss my ass.

Oh ye of the, not comfortable with being with me, but not being able to tell me until it gets to a head, despite me having told you at the outset of this thing to let me know so I could reign my shit in, can kiss my ass!

Oh ye of the, not being able to get over the fact that this is 2005 not 1805 or 1905 for that matter and you are your own person, can kiss my entire ass!

Oh ye of the, I don't want to do the right thing because then everyone will be angry with me...*you can't see it but I just flipped off the computer*

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

I wore a pink wig to a party and man did I look hot!

I found her!

I found my old persona of NotSamantha Jones hiding in a box of my winter clothes. Up until today she had been wrapped around herself and in a box filled with the remnants of herself, just waiting for me to rediscover her...and the first words that I say to her...

Hello Stranger.

Sadly, there's no one but my roomie's cat to pay witness to this great discovery.

Soft Hair

My hair was so soft. And my Chanel No. 5 wafted perfectly. And I had non-tacky pink lipgloss on that tastes good. And my legs were smooth...

But did anyone know but me? No. I was driving home last night and I started thinking in this weird perspective about things. I wasn't upset about anything that would normally make me upset. I didn't care about things not going how I kept imagining them or the weirdness that occurs every once and awhile with certain people. What I kept thinking about was me...and that noone was appreciating ME to the fullest.

I'm not saying this in a self-deprecating way, I am saying it in an "I am totally awesome and people are missing out" kind of way. My friends appreciate me, of course, but they appreciate different kinds of things. I don't think they notice when I change perfume or when I wear lipgloss that tastes good (at least, I hope they don't). I guess I just started thinking about how I want someone to be a little closer to me and to notice the little things.

My hair was really soft and noone knew!

All Hallow's Eve

It's Halloween weekend and all across the country women are heading out, looking like sluts. Sexy nurse costumes, Vampire hookers, etc...you know the drill: It's the one night of the year women can dress in pleather and fishnets and not be judged. I myself have taken part in this tradition in past years as I have dressed up as a Candy Strip(p)er (damn, that uniform is short!), a sexy spy (pleather mini included), and even a herion addict one year (herion chic?).

Costume parties allow us to take on another identity, to put on the mask of another personality, to be someone else for one night of the year.

This year, as my weekend of celebrating witches and ghosts begins, I can't help but think of doing the opposite: taking the mask off and letting it all out. Not hiding behind a certain way I want to be perceived. Not trying to hide my true feelings and certainly not worrying about my soul being sucked out because I did something I knew was necessary. I will go out tonight in my costume (not slutty, but very funny) but I am still going to be me. In fact, I think more of "me" is going to come out tonight than it has in awhile.


Happy Halloween! (Night 1 of 4)

(Just kidding about the soul sucking out thing...MUHAHAHA!)

Chick Lit is not a square of candy-coated gum...

I love books...good books, smutty books (especially these), books with or without pictures, but lately, I've discovered that there is a book that I hate with a Foamy-type squirrely wrath. And that would be chicklit.

Now, don't get me wrong, Jennifer Weiner's and Sandra Cisnero's are what I really love about chick lit. What I hate about it is the candy pink or flourescent (sp?) green books that scream out to you from the shelves with stories of a shopper with no money and no means to stop her own bad habit getting the guy, who just happens to have oodles of money with which to continue said bad habits; or the girl who moves to another town only to fall into the same bad habits that lead her leaving the first and finds love with some sap.

I crave the intelligent wit of women who have sort of discovered what they're looking for, who shy away from their bad habits, who can stand on their own two feet before being swept off them into the arms of the male character. In short give me some substance with my chicklit...because otherwise it may just as well be a piece of candy-coated gum that will leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Happening Endings...

Something's come to my attention over the past few days.

I've discovered that I like happy endings. The girl gets the guy or vice versa, big kiss on the lips, everything is tied up nicely with a bow and the world is a happy shiny place in the end kind of happy endings. Don't know why exactly I just do.

Which probably accounts for why I only read romance and stories where I'm pretty much assured that the resolution at the end will be a good one. Books where people have to suffer throughout do not appeal at all.

And which probably accounts for why I place feelings on things, people, places, etc. that don't actually belong there. I'm still waiting for my happy ending...and I'm sure I'm going to get it...if I wait long enough...

*taps foot*

Okay, this waiting crap is for the birds, looks like I'm going to have to hack it out on my own.

Suffer in Silence

I've been feeling very "lusty" lately. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about what my "type" is.
There is this guy in my English class that I am lusting after. He's the scruffy, tall, sort of chubby indie type that I have loved since I started listening to Indie music.
I think I've talked about him before. But still.
Lust. It's the only word I can use to describe this feeling. And it's weird how non-sexual it is. This is the emotion you feel when you can't have something you're yearning for. It's the simple fact that I would like to have an interesting conversation with him about art is enough to satisfy my lusting. It's like NotCarrie's previous post about having a friend crush. I need/want/have to have him as my friend. And of course, if something more were to happen, I think I would be on cloud nine.

Now, as always, I just wait for either this feeling to subside or I find someone else to curb these cravings.

Addicted

I have an addictive personality. I'm not even sure if that's an accurate psychological assessment, but in my mind, it accurately describes my tendency to latch on to things I like. For example, I am addicted to Diet Coke. I have written poetry about my love affair with caffeine. For this site, it's probably more relevant to talk about my addiction to the idea of love. You see...I haven't been in love in a long time. So, while not being in love, I've developed an addiction with the idea of love. Movies and TV (hell...even books) simply fuel addictions such as these. As "chick flicks" crowd your local cineplex, you can bet there are millions of girls like me watching and calculating when Richard Gere will ride up and save them from the virtual whoredom that is their lives (hello....Pretty Woman). How can we break this fascination for wanting what isn't real and start searching and dealing with what is? Maybe this is just me, but all too often I find a small part of me wanting to be more in the movie than in my own life (think love/romance/men, not life in general).

He's Her Lobster

As much as I love Luke, from Gilmore Girls (and I do), I think I want a Ross. Ross as in Ross Geller, Ross and Rachel, FRIENDS! I caught the episode last night where the gang watches Monica and Rachel's prom video, aptly titled, "The One With The Prom Video." This is one of my all-time favorite episodes of one of my all-time favorite shows. I love it because it has it all: laughter and romance which , go figure, is exactly what I want in my significant other.

Ross has it all: he's intelligent, ambitious, funny, adorable, cute, kind, giving, devoted, loving, quirky, and about 100 other positive adjectives. The end of TOWTPV gives me goosebumps every time. Rachel sees how Ross has been in love with her since high school and would do anything for her. She walks over and...*oh my gosh*...kisses him! It is so romantic and passionate and I melt everytime. It begins this amazing, yet complicated, connection between the two. They are soul mates...they are each other's lobsters! They are...fictional.

But you know, even though they are fictional characters there is reality in there too. Ross loves Rachel. He does for YEARS and it takes him forever to finally tell her. They go through things that non-tv people do, too. I think that's why Ross seems so ideal at times. I think it's because I have met people in my own life who are a "Ross." I am never going to be Rachel (aka perfect) but the possibility of finding a Ross? Those chances are good.

I want a Luke

Between catching up on the last couple of weeks of Gilmore Girls and talking to NotCarrie about some of the older seasons she is making her way through, I've come to realize I want a 'Luke'. I'm not tossing out the term Luke to mean that I want a boyfriend/fiance/cute guy to bring me coffee. Luke simply illustrates certain characteristics I want in a man. To begin with, he is a man (as opposed to boy). If I were better at the "quote" game, I would post a number of my favorite Luke-isms, but I'm afraid I need to leave that to the better quiped NotCarrie. What I do know is that he is sarcastic and surly. He is funny and caring and thoughtful and independent and hot. He reminds you of the kind of man who will be in it for the duration. This is what I want. This is what I deserve.

Blast From The Past

I accidently got really drunk tonight. And then, instead of calling who I really wanted to talk to, I called my ex-whatever. I knew if I called who I wanted to call I would end up saying a lot of stuff that just shouldn't be said over the phone or while drunk. So I called NotRoger...I'm not sure why but I'm so very thankful that it went well. It was kind of weird because I told him about my current situation and he told me about his: He's involved with a married woman. How does someone go from ME to a married woman with a kid? I really do hope things work out for him though and he expressed the same sentiment for me. We reminisced about the first time we made out and we both remembered it exactly the same way. I'm glad though that we didn't remember how things ended.

It's been a long day and a little over 12 hours ago I was driving home unable to hold back the tears. Having the day to myself and spending the night in the past really helped to put things into perspective. I'm not sure how but I'm in really good spirits right now. Optimistic.

And really....really tired!

Guardian Angel

Last night I got a lot of checkmarks down.
I had a date. (check)
With a guy from myspace. (check)
That I had never met before. (check)

NotGerman. He and I apparently know some of the same people from Germany, so there was an instant bond.
Not to say I wasn't nervous about meeting him. NotMiranda had to talk me into it about 5 times. I kid you not.
But I pulled up the courage and picked him up at the metro (after NotMiranda's suggestion that I do not, under any circumstances, pick him up at his house) and after he got in the car I started to feel better.
He smelled really, really good.
So we went to a movie. He paid for everything, which I normally have a problem with, so I argued with him about it but he just wouldn't let me pay. Hmph.
So we watched the movie and I think he was a bit disappointed that I was so into it because he kept inching closer but I'd kind of ignore it.
This is for several reasons:
1. We were watching Elizabethtown. I absolutely LOVE Cameron Crowe.
2. It was our first date. No moves on the first date, especially since I had never met him.
3. I'm sorry to say, but I'm just not that into him.

I didn't realize this last part until I was driving him back to the metro. He invited me out to this party in the city, but before I knew it, my mouth was making up the ol' "I'm tired, busy day tomorrow" excuse.
He was just too damn nice. And he agreed with EVERYTHING I said. There was no space for arguement, which is a big part of my Italian heritage.

After I dropped him off, I called NotMiranda, who I then found out was in the exact same movie as we were, as well as in the same bathroom at the same time I was, in the stall near mine and we both were texting each other at the same time. How weird.
So I saved her from drowning outside in the rain and we drove around the city trying to find Al Gore's house and talking about relationships.
NotGerman could be a perfect candidate, we decided, however he would only be the "substitute" person until the right one came along.
So the problem is now, what to do about him. We also discussed the fact that although no sparks were felt on the first date, perhaps it's something that grows in time.
Thing is, I'm not sure if I want that.
This is too tough a decision to make right now. And I think I'm only skimming the surface of my delusional mind. I should just be happy that I had a freaking DATE! :-)

Misplaced Possessiveness

Once I ignored my stomach and nerves I had a really nice time last night. Everything seemed easy, and casual, and just right. Dinner and a rented movie and a really dark room along with a lot of champagne-it was perfect.

Details aren't necessary;) The purpose of me bringing the night up is that one sentence caused everything to spin off axis. It wasn't spoken by me or him but we both definitely heard and then proceeded to ignore it. If either of us were "talkers" we could have talked and laughed about it but we didn't. Maybe I was hoping it was true...or would be true in the near future.

I'm sorry I am being cryptic. I need to keep these things in my head right now or else there will more more variables for me to overthink.