Friday, March 31, 2006

Friday Oddities

Uhhhh, NotTaylor sorta just asked me out. Usually our conversations are the same:

NotTaylor: "How are you?"
NotCarrie: "Good, How are you?"
NT: "Good"
NC: "Cool"

Today I decided to change it up a bit:

NC: "Yo, sup?" (Seriously)
NT: "How are you?"
NC: "Good, you?
NT: "Good"
NC: "What are you doing this weekend?"
NT: "I don't know yet, you?"
NC: "I don't know yet, either"
NT: "Well, when you know, let me know so I can be there, too."

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.....OK, So he didn't really ask me out but WHAT?!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Pleasing to the eye

I'm in the mood to cause trouble this morning or, at the very least, stir up an interesting conversation. What goes better with mornings and trouble than porn? I don't usually have porn on the brain and don't consider myself an aficionado (even a regular viewer). It's just that it seems like so many of my friends* are all about the "perfect" porn these days. NotCharlotte has been on this hunt for "indie" porn she read about recently and even downloaded some classic German porn to check out. She has been all about the arty stuff and claims the German piece had even received critical acclaim. NotSamantha seems to have a predilection for anime porn (not judging) and probably many others I'm unaware of. Of the Nots, she has taken the most active interest in visual stimulation. Did you know she discovered a Netflix-type place that just does porn?! Who knew! My own porn experience has been fairly limited. I've only seen a couple of what I would call "hard core" (the stuff someone has to rent and that shows everything). Other than that, my only other run-in with porn is catching the occasional late night offering on Cinemax. I don't really consider myself a porn kind of girl. I just don't need it. However, I have been curious about all the crap I constantly hear on how porn needs to be done differently for women. Women need an more of a plot line. Women need to emotionally connect with the characters. Is this crap actually true? Maybe I don't get to answer since I don't consider myself a "porn" girl, but when I think of porn and the select times I've watched it, isn't the whole point of even viewing it to get off? Are there women out there who really get into the plot? Maybe I need to see "good" porn to get this, but anything I've caught that appears to be making an attempt at an actual story looks even more ridiculous. It's like the worst kind of B movie. I would compare myself to a guy, just looking for the visual, but I don't think that's fair assessment given that I'm not really a "porn" girl.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Baby Fever!

Is it just me or are couples emerging from their winter hibernations with news of babies at an alarming rate this spring? Babies are everywhere! My relatively small office now has two pregnant women, both due in the fall and my coworker was telling me how she has no fewer than four friends all due in September. Apparently, December through January was a busy month for getting it on and fertilizing things. The only thing I fertilized in December was my poinsettia and really, who am I kidding because that thing died a horrible death while sitting on my desk.

I'm certainly not jealous of these women or wishing to be preggers myself, don't get me wrong. My mother probably wishes I felt differently right now as her eyes are really getting the "I Want To Be A Grandmother" glazed look more and more often when she sees the babies. I do want kids, I definitely do. Just not right now. Especially since the interviews and magazine covers would get to be a bit much since for me to have a baby right now it would have to be an immaculate conception and I'm reallllly too busy right now to be giving birth to little miracle babies.

Sadly, I already know the name for said miracle baby, but I digress.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Focus on the Roller Coaster

So this weekend was fantastic.
I met man #2 from the Onion. NotMarine. We started talking on Monday and by Wednesday night we had already decided to meet. His pictures were cute and our conversation (via IM and phone) was interesting. I told him to come by my work on Thursday night to say hi. Due to some mixup, he went to the wrong location. Instead of feeling stood up, I oddly felt okay with it. Friday he sent me an email apologizing so I immediately called him and scheduled a "hang out session" for Saturday.
We met at the movie theater and I'll admit that my first impression of him was just ok. He's taller than me, which is a plus, but he's got really, REALLY short blonde hair and his glasses were big and round. But he smelled good and his smile was great. Every time I talked to him before our meet up, he said that he would make it up to me for not showing on Thursday. And he did. Even after copious amounts of complaining, he still paid for my movie ticket and dinner afterward.
We were sitting there, waiting for the movie (V for Vendetta) to start, and he said he was so nervous. Turns out I was his first online meet. I then told him that a movie might not have been the best idea for our first date because we had so much to talk about, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind to do. The movie was 2 hours long, but it was really good so I paid attention to it instead of leaning over and whispering questions like I should have done. He kept looking over at me throughout and I thought it was cute.
After the movie I ducked into the bathroom to give NotMiranda a text update and when I got out he suggested dinner. Which is a good sign!
We talked straight through some Chinese food, not so much as a pause in conversation. He asked me what I was passionate about and of course I said music and art. When I asked him the same question he said something about learning everything he can about interesting subjects. He then went on to explain that that's the reason he was asking me so many questions.
Then, on the drive back to my car, I asked him if he was still nervous. He told me that he was going to be nervous for the next few times because I was so pretty. If it was just a line, I fell for it. He's so sweet.
There was no parting hug or kiss, but I think we were both okay with that.
I spoke with him yesterday and he's still as intrigued as ever about me, so I'm breathing a sigh of relief that our meeting went well.
And for the record: there is attraction and there will be a second date.
This gives me hope :-) Let's just hope that by writing about it, I don't jinx it...

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Back seat rules for the front seat...

I think I've become a geeky guy magnet, either that, or someone has pasted my picture in the personals section of PC Magazine (as if such a thing exists). I also seem to attract men who have roaming hands that move faster than the latest gaming pc chip. Tonight was my first date with NotAlbert one of the few guys who I struck up an actualy conversation with via email after he responded to my twoliner that I placed on an online personals page.

The ad has my picture and with most of my responses I had hoped to also get a picture in kind, which he did provide. After we had talked via phone and he passed the "I don't sound like a girl on the phone and I can have an intelligent conversation" test, we agreed on a simple movie and dinner date. Since he lived in DC he suggested a nearby theatre and I met him outside of the restaurant we would be eating at after the movie. When he pulled up, I'll admit it was a shock. He was definately larger than I anticipated, and shorter than I thought he would be, especially since I wore 3 inch heels to measure his height by. Me, superficial, you bet; him unwilling subject to my physical demands for a partner, you got it in one.

He didn't measure up to what I was looking for as far as body type for a guy at all. Although neither did NotSkippy. And while I chastised myself for two seconds about judging him based on his looks, I decided to continue to go along with it because he may surprise me.

Surprisingly, he didn't.

He was polite, attentive, and paid for everything, he was funny and surprised by my ability to hold my own dealing with conversations about sex, porn and computer sites (this is the only thing that knowing NotSkippy helped with). He was a NICE GUY (and every male that reads this blog just ran screaming into the darkness) But he just didn't do it for me. He touched my hand and I felt nothing, he didn't give me one of the LOOKs, or if he did, he didn't do it when I was paying attention so I missed it totally.

Now berate me all you want for holding him accountable for some ideal of the perfect man, but its my ideal and I'll keep if I want to. So where does this leave him. I know where he is mentally right now. He's probably happy that the date went okay and he got the go ahead for date two (this time I'm cooking since he seemed to be keen on the fact that I like to cook, which is true), and he's now probably trying to figure out exactly how to get me out of some of my clothing the next time we get together, since in the car after we had arrived back at the train station (he insisted that because of the late hour he didn't feel right about me taking the train back to my car, so he drove me to it), he tried to get me out of my sweater and my shirt and hopefully my bra. All under the careful guise of a massage...

Will someone please explain to me the deal with geeky guys offering the massage deal on the first date. Is this some sort of parlor trick that they all are given upon certifaction in whatever computing language they choose? It was very funny watching the play of emotions across his face when I asked him point blank if he was trying to get me out of my clothing. And then remind him that this is the first date and he's only eligible for knowing where my tattoo is and seeing it.

But, I digress.

In the spirit of it being the first date, and the high probability of me putting him in the "F" file under Friend or Failure (haven't decided which moniker to use for him yet), I decided to go along with this. And was surprised that even in this he had no appeal to me.

I'll put a tick mark in my check box for geeky and trying, but he needs to get a little bit more of something before he'll see anymore of me other than in the platonic sense.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

"How YOU Doin'?"

NotTaylor is getting to be very annoying here at work. This is the "hot guy" of the office who knows it and saunters around like he owns the place. For some reason he has taken to staring at me and asking me how I am about 489032 times a day. And no, it's not because he's interesting in me. (And even if he was, I'm not interested in him.) I'm not bothered by his behavior in a sexual harassment kind of way but more because I can't fight back how I want to. If we weren't in the work setting I would totally be "flirting" back and teasing him and catching him in his lines. (Again, not in an "I'm interested" way but this is the only way to deal with him.) But I can't because I'm at work and I need to just fly under the radar and not get the "She's a crazy ho" attention on me.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Get Naked...or Free my Mind?

Recently, the thoughts of vulnerability and the ability to reveal all (ie get naked) have come up. I've been thinking about how I hold a part of myself back, even here on the blog where I feel that I am free to cut loose about any and everything that I wish to discuss either in relationships or in my personal life.

One of the reasons I don't reveal much of myself is the vulnerability that feel with each revelation and the trust I have to bestow upon those that I'm revealing myself to, and in cyberspace that's any and everyone who cares to peruse this blog. I don't know anyone who's that trusting. I know I'm not, but if I take this blog in the manner in which I mean for it to be received which is the muddling through of what is on my mind, then I think I'll be fine.

I've always prided myself in accepting people as they present themselves to me, I try to have no preconcieved notions about how they should act in regards to who they are, but I'm human and when I can I recognize what I've done and try my best to correct it, but it doesn't always work.

When I apply this same idea to relationships, I realize that for me this is a big part of why I'm probably not in one. I accept people, but I'm usually not willing to trust them, for years, I've held fast to the idea that if I ever married, I would already own my home and it would remain in my name throughout the marriage. For my married friends that I've shared this with, I'm usually met with a "why" and then a "don't you trust him" and my response is always "I trust him, but I don't trust him to not do me wrong". This question of trust is what trips me up in just about every relationship I've had (and they are few and far between because I often don't let them develop into a full relationship).

I don't assure myself of the fact that they will meet any of my expectations, this way I can keep myself from being disappointed when they don't meet my goals. My own protective shell if you will. The people who I've seen in relationships that are truly happy, have that glow of acceptance, trust and belief in their partner.

I can't help thinking that I won't be able to find that person to trust completely, and for me that's the saddest thing of all, and is part of the reason I can't get naked in a relationship, because even when stripping down physically to do the horizontal tango, I still keep my mental barriers up. I don't expect that person to be what I want because I don't have any expectations because I don't trust them at all and if I don't have anything that I'm searching for then I won't be disappointed, right?

Monday, March 20, 2006


I have a subscription to Bride.

I read it each month cover to cover, noting the gowns and ideas I like, and then forward it along to my sister. I'm not quite to Monica Gellar levels of having a notebook of Wedding Ideas 1-5 but my sister and I always end up playing The Wedding Game on long car rides. It's fun! Nothing wakes up a tired car like describing bridesmaid dresses and and picking out reception foods. It's great because it's like MadLibs but you fill in every blank spot except for the groom's face. (Okay okay, I make substitutes for the time being- Clive Owen, Brad Pitt, Michael Vartan, etc.)

Now, I'm not a crazy girl looking only to get married and making church reservations five years in advance but, I can't help but enjoy talking about things like wedding gowns and rings! And I'm not going to be a Bridezilla when/if the time comes and insist that everything be how it is in my daydreams or anything. Puhlease! Remember that I'm the girl who really wants to get married in a drive-thru in Vegas with my witnesses in the backseat. With that said...let's play!

Month: November!
Bridesmaid dresses: dark red
Ring: platinum emerald cut (my sister has strict instructions to let any future serious boyfriend know that I really really really really like the emerald cut)
Veil: undecided, it's traditional but do I really want to cover my hair and end up with some dent in it? Hmmm
Dress: It would be easier to tell you what I don't want but I've got to say I loved Gwen Stefani's with the pink on the bottom. I bet dark red on it somewhere would look like blood though, huh? Yeah, maybe not a good idea.

Hmmm, what else?

Do you all think I'm crazy now?

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I'm Lonely (And I Love It)

Got a response from NotBeast.
He's not interested in a relationship.

Back to the drawing board... but with no regrets!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

She Sends Kisses

So last night NotMiranda and I met up with one of my girlfriends from my second job, NotVCU and we tried to make the most of our St. Patrick's Day. NotGay was having a party, but that was all the way at Capitol Hill and we sat at a cafe for about 30 minutes talking ourselves out of going (drive too far, no good parking, metro ride hell). So instead we went in search of cute boys to look at. We ended up at a bar off of Main Street Fairfax that has a small stage, where many local bands tend to play. For only 5 bucks we got to stand there and watch George Mason University win against Michigan(?) and give eye sex to the cute bouncers. I kept making eyes with this one guy so I decided to write my phone number down and was going to pass it to him on our way out.
I chickened out. Much to NotMiranda's disapproval. But I do believe I completely made up for it.
After we dropped NotVCU off at her car, NotMiranda and I headed to my house for cheesecake, Bailey's and "What Not to Wear" (I <3 Stacy and Clinton), but before we could bask in the glow of learning what goes with neutral colored pants, I decided to do something BOLD.
I sent NotBeast an email telling him about the crush I have on him. It was a fairly well written 2 (short) paragraph email explaining why I hadn't told him this sooner and also asking him to dinner. The hardest part was pushing the "send" button, but I did it.

Now I must wait. Which is agonizing for me already. Thanks to stupid Gmail Notifier, every time I see the little envelope at the bottom righthand side of my screen, I get all nervous.

Believe me though, you guys will be (close to) the first people to know what(if) he replies.

For my sake though, let's hope it's soon!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Luck O' The (Not-So-Much) Irish

I have a date with McDreamy (does that make him Irish;)?) tonight.

Ahhhh, Patrick Dempsey, how I love thee.

Allergies/Cold-not so much.

So it's St. Patrick's Day and while every other year I'm sporting my "Kiss Me" shirt and drinking beer, this year I'm camped out on the couch with my tissues and Grey's Anatomy DVD (I love you, too, Netflix!). It's kind of hard to not go out and even though I have a good reason, I'm feeling kind of like a nerd. But besides drinking a lot, I've never gone out on St. Patrick's Day and come home with some cool story of snagging a guy (not that it is always my intention when going out but when it's the night of "Kiss me, I'm (not-so-much) Irish", then kissing seems to be the goal).

The past few years I celebrated by going to Kegs and Eggs in the morning and then being exhausted by the night. (Note: Kegs and Eggs is NOT the best place to meet people, it's the time and place to drink.) One year in college I passed on going out with my girl friends to instead go to another friend's place to hang out where my crush would be. Ahhh, what a fun (in the 'not-at-all' way) night. Another friend ended up drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels because he was upset about a girl and we almost had to call 911. It was so scary (and stupid) and I even went to the restroom in front of him because he was so gone. The only action I got that night was when my crush passed out, holding onto my leg. (Just for giggles, it was NotRoger, ha!)

So yeah, this St. Patty's Day is all about McDreamy but that's ok. I'll live vicariously through Meredith (this is season 1, remember).

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Depressed, Discouraged and Back at Square One or What's Your Sign?

Dating in and of itself has many foibles, I've discovered. But what about when the dating is over, the relationship is done and you're back to the place where you're started (I call this Square One). Going with that analogy I liken this to some sort of weird ritualistic dance that we go through in the quest for another date. To begin to look for that person again, that supposedly we would like to spend time with for a night, a day or in some cases the rest of our lives.

But I digress...

I don't mind the dating, though at times it can challenge parts of me and bring up dealbreakers I never thought existed, its the getting there that always gets me down. I try to make it into a fun adventure, full of cool people and exotic locales, but usually what I come up with is Joe Blow Wanna Do Nothing and the 'burbs...*sigh*. Which has lead me to my latest idea for those of us who are fed up with trying to decipher the body language and unknown signals of the dating pros and dating inept (you chose which category you belong in, me I'm in the proinept category). How about a sign? It can be as large as you want, just as long as it displays exactly what you're looking for in your significant other, be as honest as possible and remember this is your sign, how's that for you reader's of "Blink", you'll be able to make that snap judgement lightening fast.

Because while its interesting to try and wade through the many many people we meet and would possibly want to date, its also discouraging, especially when paired with the inconsistencies of what a person says and what they mean or what they're really trying to intimate and what they're assuming you know. Its just too complicated. KISS(Keep it Simple Stupid)...

Now, in keeping with my own advice, here is my sign:

SF, slightly neurotic, oversexed and possible sub seeks, strong male to interact with. Must have prerequesite height of at least 5'10' in socks, length of manpart should be of above average and suitable girth. Man bears need not apply. Muscles are prefered, but will be overlooked for ability to move heavy things. Ability to match clothing, shower regularly and tell a great story are mandatory. Must have sense of humor, be openminded, but not a carpet. Please feel free to approach, especially if I look at you more than once and smile with teeth. No I am not a shark, but I will bite if you ask nicely.

So, I've put it out show me your sign.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Am I the only one who watched it all?

I'm a smidge confused. I know I can't be the only one out there who has made it through Sex & the City (the entire series). It was a hit with legions of followers. That's why I get really confused when I read things that talk about how Carrie and the girls would be so disappointed at a single girl saying she wanted a relationship or wanted to settle down. I've heard this casually dropped in various places, but I was moved to write by reading in Judith Strauss's Unhooked Generation. Near the start of her book, she's weaving a tale of her singlehood and mentions she eventually reached a point in her life where her career and independent lifestyle just weren't doing it for her. When she paused for a moment she would find she was lonely and unfulfilled. She went on to say she had been ashamed of this feeling and that the Sex & the City girls would be sneering at her. Huh? Maybe she didn't get obsessed and buy the entire series like I did, but did she at least watch season 6? Agreed...the girls were strong singles who embraced life and sometimes the closest wang. However, the girls let their vulnerable sides show throughout the series. They were all on a quest for the right one, going through several "right one for right nows". Even Samantha's revolving door snagged a couple of true loves. That final season saw each of the girls reaching that point, that place of truly knowing where your heart should be. I cried way too much at the raw humanity in the last few episodes. One thing was clear to me even through my tears. This single woman we all adored and some wanted to be...she was just like the rest of us searching for that final piece of the puzzle.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Love And Memerade (?)

From the lovely Barmaid who somehow knew I love a good survey:

My nickname: I don't think anyone has ever had a 'pet name' for me. Friends call me "Boo" but only because we all declared it was not a term of endearment. My mom calls me "Lovey", does that count? I hate when couples have pet names, but maybe I'm just jealous.

My hometown: I was born in Leesburg

My team: The Heteros. (ha)

My theme song:
A few spring to mind: "Closer"-Nine Inch Nails, "Everlong"- Foo Fighters, or maybe "Always" by Bon Jovi because I am unable to get over people and love them 'always'

My drinks: Champagne. or Gin and Tonics for the old man part of me.

My occupation: Heartbreaker

My spare time:
Lusting, Overanalyzing, Flirting, Not-Kissing (apparently), Drinking Champagne

My hiding spot: With guys who want to "just be friends"

My books: Damn you Sweet Valley High! I want to BE Jessica!

My [fake] heroes: Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwen Stefani, Jennifer Garner

My [real] heroes:
Carrie Bradshaw and my hair guy, NotGeorge.

My tags: NotCharlotte, NotSamantha, NotMiranda-Feel free to leave answers in the comments:)

Monday, March 13, 2006

The First Five Times

Saturday night involved me, NotMiranda, and NotHusband making porn in a playground.
Well, not really. I did take some rather interesting pictures though.
NotHusband had to make it an early night, which left NotMiranda and I alone to venture the streets of Fairfax in search of something to do. Driving at night is one of my favorite things to do, as long as there's good music and interesting conversation.
We started talking about relationships, and how bad we want them. I started thinking about why I'm so hesitant to actually tell someone I like them and I think I hit the nail on the head. I'm afraid of rejection, yes, but I'm also afraid of the "three date rule" that seems to be prevalent in this day and age.
I am a virgin. A 22 year old virgin. It's not something I'm proud of, but then again I sort of am. But honestly, 22 years without sex, I am 100% positive once it's done, I'm going to be like "why'd I wait so long?"
Regardless. I'm afraid that the moment will come with someone I really like and we're in this compromising position and I blurt out that I'm a virgin. That's going to be the moment of truth and the more I think about that, the more I realize that this is the reason that I can't be more self confident in my boy-snagging skills.
Making out is one thing, but that's fine for a bar hookup or a casual date. I am definitely NOT a casual dater, so if I were to date a person it would probably mean that this will come up in conversation.
I'm thinking waaaay too much about this. But I'm convinced that this is the reason I'm still single.
I guess it's a good thing that i'm not a "hook up girl" then. Sex is going to mean something more to me than just a physical need fulfillment. I'll just be on a mission to find someone who I trust with that information.

Sunday, March 12, 2006


The Nots don’t exactly go out on Man Hunts with the only intention of meeting guys, but it’s probably safe to say that we are always up for it! So Friday night the four of us, plus one, headed out after our anniversary dinner for some drinks and pool. Now, maybe my memories are skewed, but in the past, going out for drinks and pool was synonymous with meeting people and flirting. So, I’m not too sure what was up with Friday night and Bungalows but the feeling I got was that people were actually there to play pool. (!?) The atmosphere just seemed way too tame so after a horrific round of pool (none of us are quitting our day jobs) we decided to head off on other adventures. Ah well, so Bungalows isn’t great for meeting new people;)

Saturday night was dedicated to guys I already know as I had dinner with one and then met up with another at a bar later in the night. NotCharming was my bar buddy and I’ve got to say, I would have made out with him in a second. But besides the night he was drunk and asked me to sleep with him (I did not), we’ve never done anything. Usually one of us is way drunker than the other so the flirting just doesn’t mesh well.

Oh well, the weekend wasn’t a total bust as I generally don’t gauge them on the amount of lip locking I do. If that were the case I would give up entirely on Friday-Sunday, haha! But really, between you and me, I’d REALLY like to up the levels on the smooch meter. Ha, maybe my first step should be to stop saying things like “lip locking” and “smooch meter”;)

Friday, March 10, 2006

How I got here

If life had worked out the way I had planned, I'd be married right now. We'd have a cute apartment in the hip part of Austin and would host intimate dinner parties on the weekend. We would do it every night and sometimes in the morning, too. I always loved having you be the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. Instead, I have trouble committing to men. You cemented what my father started. Opening myself up to hurt is often not worth the effort, and the fact that you still haunt some of my fantasies doesn't help matters. I'm different without you. Even though you're no longer a part of my life, people would be able to see your shadow flitting across this site if they knew about you. I want them to know about you because to know about you is to know me. The baggage I've packed away is a part of me.

NotSteve was the one. I know so many of us don't believe in the one, but I'm sure he was the bees knees. I was young and impressionable, but NotSteve was the one I grew up with. Friends for years, the transition to significant other was subtle. There were so many stolen days spent skipping class and exploring each other on his parent's couch. (My heart wants to escape my chest even as I type this.) I remember the post-graduation trip with NotBlondie and thinking how I was most excited about seeing him again when I got back. That first night that he and I were an official 'us' was the night I got back. Sitting beside my car on that back country road and looking up at the stars . I knew I'd finally let him kiss me that night. That kiss was far from perfect, but I love how I knew he was someone I wanted to work with. I love how that became our phrase for 'wanna makeout' after that night.

We were probably doomed from the start, two emotional people who burn the candle at both ends. Those kisses did get better. Oh God, how they got better. We were each other's first nearly everything, and we spent so much time laughing and learning each other that we forgot other people existed. I chose him over school that first year, losing all my scholarships. It didn't matter at the time. He was more important than sleep or studying. I was all wrapped up in his goodness. Roadtrips and weekends away were just more of us in our own little world. I still remember the night he "kind of" proposed and the night I "kind of" said yes.

Somehow it slowly unraveled. These things always do, though for the life of me I don't know how. I was jealous of his time away from me, and he was still harboring resentment for the fact that I had strung him along for so long before admitting I liked him. We were working through some of our issues or so I thought. I haven't really ever been more wrong. No one wants to walk out to their car on a beautiful morning and see the note. I got dumped via note (good thing email wasn't as prevalent in those days). I remember operating in a fog over the next few days. My survival instinct kicked in, and I didn't cry and didn't call him. The part of me that doesn't trust told the part of me that had learned to love I told you so. I think I may have handled it wrong...letting my instinct to cut my losses and run take over. Maybe he wanted me to fight for him. Every now and then I wish I had.

I don't blame him for all the baggage I haul around with me when trying to meet men. I don't blame him for the fact that, up until I learned of his marriage a couple of years ago, I carried around the hope that we'd wind up as each other's emergency contacts. I don't blame him because my life is good. I think that us being apart has helped me become the woman I'm meant to be. I don't blame him. It's just how I got here.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

You're Beautiful

I am certainly not the first person to blog about this song, "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt, and I am probably not the last. The first time I heard it, I hated it. I hated his voice. But then I saw the lyrics typed out somewhere and really read them. I imagined myself on the metro and seeing someone who took my breath away with their being but knowing that at an upcoming stop we would go our separate ways. What a romantic notion, to experience so much in such a short span of time when no words are exchanged and strangers remain strangers with just a look to connect them.

See, right now you might be thinking, "But NotCarrie, that's not what the song is about!" And you are right. Today, on Oprah (shut up), he explained how the song is very personal and is about a time he saw an ex-girlfriend on the subway (tube?) and she was 'with another man'. He sang the song so well and even though you know he has probably been singing this thing every day for months, you could see he was sincere with the words.

I don't really have a point to all of this, just that I enjoyed his performance. I really love how so much is expressed in the few minutes of the song. I do think I need to stop listening to all of these "break-up songs" though. Ha, I should at least wait until I HAVE a break up!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Sophomore Slump

So... this weekend was NotSamantha's birthday extravaganza.
Someone was there (NotBeast) that I hadn't seen for awhile. I just looked through our past posts and couldn't seem to find anything on him, which is weird.
ANYWAY, I can't stop thinking about how good he looked. And how patient he was with NotMiranda's drunken rolling on the ground/holding onto his leg.
Oh and NotSamantha, I don't know if you remember this, but this conversation did in fact occur:
NotSamantha: *NotSkippyologue* "NotBeast, you're cute but you're waaay to short."
NotBeast: *nods in his quiet, stoic way*
NotSamantha: "I only get ONE night a year to do this... *more NotSkippyologue* Oh, and NotCharlotte, you can sleep with NotBeast if you want.

Ahh... gotta love friends. And thanks, NotSamantha, I'm glad I've got your approval now :-)

Historical post on NotBeast later, for now I must do homework (*sigh*)

Together Is Enough

So my job has weekly staff meetings that NotMiranda calls, "Touchy Feely Meetings" because we do these workshops on things like leadership qualities and how to be a team player. Usually I am paying more attention to keeping my eyes open than on the lesson but every once and awhile something gets through to my brain. Today it was when the speaker on the video said that "in great relationships, the joy of being together is enough." Now, don't go crazy on me because you have to take these statements with a grain of salt. There will always be extraneous factors to nullify this statement. For example, if he's cheating on me then being together isn't really enough, right? I'm going to want to kick him in the face instead. Or, if he's stealing my money then hanging out is not going to be high on my list of things to do.

But taken simplistically, I really like this statement and even found myself relating to it. When I wrote about cheating on a crush I mentioned that there are only two people I would even consider to be in that highest level of crushes. Well, during my meeting I realized that both of them could also help prove the statement about great relationships. Even on our just friends levels, both of those guys are people I just wanted to be around and enjoyed spending time with. With them I am content to just sit there and honestly just want to be near them. Not in a needy, weird way but in an honest-to-goodness, 'I enjoy you as a person' way. It makes me happy to enjoy people just for who they are and not for how they are entertaining me or necessarily how we are interacting (even if, at the time I wish it was snogging).

I hope that future relationships arise from friendships like these. It's a sweet thing to just want to be with someone.

Building a love shack

Don't ask me why I was even thinking about whether or not I would shack up with a boyfriend when the current prospect has just flown the coop. I actually think it was spurred by a friend who was talking about wanting to move in with her current boyfriend (bf) in order to save on rent (not the best motivating factor, if you ask me). Anyway, the whole conversation got me thinking about whether I would ever shack up with a bf. I used to assume (and you can blame this on my conservative upbringing) that I would never live with bf outside of marriage. Talk about taking away the mystery, the allure that makes being married something different. I would also be afraid of the whole "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" phenomenon. As I thought more about it and moved past the auto response that has been programmed into me for so long, I realized that my opinion on the subject of shacking up had indeed changed. The thought of having to live with someone as husband and wife without trying it out for at least a little bit terrifies me. I can't imagine living on my own up until my wedding day and then suddenly having to learn to cohabitate, too. I realize that, whether you're shacking up with a bf or moving in with your husband, there will still be the initial shock of living alone one day and together the next. I just think it might be kind of nice not to have to wrap my mind around the emotional issues I'll have being someone's wife and having to live with them on the same day.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Making a graceful exit

I feel like I need to close the loop on the NotGraceful debacle. As if he were reading this blog, the email standoff ended at 4:26 pm on February 26, when I finally received a response to my "let's put all cards on the table" email. He said much more than I expected or even wanted. The gist of the email was that he wasn't interested. I got to hear how he was a laidback guy who felt put on a stage and that I somehow expected so much of him. Can I make one fucking thing clear here? I may air my neuroses on this site, but I do NOT display them for public consumption. The most he ever got from me was a tendency to ignore him. Maybe my neuroses cling to me like the stench of sour milk, but I don't think so. I also consider myself pretty self aware and got several signs that he might be interested in something more than friendship. Screw it. I can move on and do the whole friendship thing with him. In fact, that's what we've been doing since then. After a bit of initial ackwardness the first time we saw each other, he joked about the email, and I laughed and called him an asshole. Friendship can begin at asshole. It's what I do...I keep rollin'. The friend I am doesn't think about how hot it is that he played guitar and sang his own material in the wee hours of the morning at NotSamantha's party on Friday. The friend I am convinces herself that it's normal for him (a friend) to grab my (also just a friend) hand and hold it just a little bit. I just keep rollin'.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

And my birthday wish for me...

I blew out candles on a stack of cupcakes for my birthday on Friday, and although today is the actual day, I made my wish then. Usually, I never make a wish on the candles, their symbolism just doesn't strike me at all. But this time I'd decided to let myself be caught up in the moment. I wished for love...and more importantly I wished for the courage to let it happen to me again and this time, to recognize it, accept it and not overanalyze it to death.

So, in lieu of that, I placed another personal ad online. And I put some pictures with it. And I got several emails this morning...and I've decided I'll email responses back to at least three and see where it goes.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Talking while Drunk...there's a law about this right?

Alcohol or liquid courage, as I like to think of it has an interesting way of making me philosophical.

I made my debut Fridy night into the world of dating philosophers, during the surprise birthday party the Nots planned for me.

Here are some of the questions I was left pondering before I tried to strip out of my party pants and passed out in blissful birthday liquored up confusion...

Why are we (both male and female alike) so terrified of giving just a little in a relationship? or why do we give so much? Where's the happy medium? is it like a Happy Meal at McD's you can only get one if you're a kid?

During what NotCharlotte has termed my *NotSkippylogue* I realized that I gave way too much power to someone who wasn't giving anything back. I've also had relationships where I've given too little. And now I'm left craving the happy medium meal.

So I'm hoping that third times the charm and I'll give just enough and get just enough and well...I'll let the guy worry about his own drunkenly discovered neuroses!

Friday, March 03, 2006


Met with NotDavid1 tonight (does not get a real name until deserves it). Have decided that I am in fact a "first impression" kind of girl. This first impression was not good.

Have realized that NotDavid2 gives GOOD email.

Had a good time with two of the Nots(Samantha and Miranda, respectively), at our favorite NotPlace, trying not to hit on the cute waiter. I am still waiting for him to call.

Lots to do tomorrow, let's hope I don't go crazy.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Breaking The E-Ice!

So a few days ago a friend asked me to check out her online dating profile to see how it looked. Well, those online dating sites are pretty smart because in order to view her profile, I have to join. And after putting stats like my email and name in I figured, "What the hell?" and added a hott picture and completed my page.

So, all of a sudden I am in the online dating world.

And what happens? A GUY I USED TO BE FRIENDS WITH FOUND ME! Great, just great. So then I feel the need to write to him to break the e-ice because even though HE is the one who found ME, I'm worried he's going to think I'm a loser for being on there. (Not that online dating is's not, I just don't think it's for me.)

However, as a silver lining to having my profile out there: Tons of hott guys have been checking out my profile! I'm not going to lie, it is totally rocking my self confidence. I was worried when my first "wink" was also my friend's first "wink" but his creepy profile is long lost now in my list of men who have "viewed me." I'm going to wait to see what my ex-friend says back but I'm not sure how long I can stay on that site.

Don't forget to vote for your favorite Not post for our One-Year Anniversary!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

All of these Not names are clouding my feeble mind

I can't believe we've been blogging for a year over here at No Sex & the City. NotSamantha hit upon the idea that it would be fun to have people nominate their favorite Not posts. Hell, I'd like to take it a step farther and ask that everyone (1) nominate your favorite Not post from the past year (don't fear the archives) and (2) send us a link to a favorite dating/relationship/single life story from your own site. You can post links to your favorites in the comments or shoot me an email. There aren't any prizes for participation, but we thought it would be useful to reminisce and to also hear people's stories from their sites. I keep hearing we learn from our past, so why not walk down memory lane.

In order to kick it off, each of the Nots spent some time perusing our posts over the past year and each picking three of our favorites. I can't speak for the other girls, but reading those posts really made it clear how much we've all grown and even what issues we still need to work through. It was nice to be able to chuckle as I remembered the great Sex Spy gig of 2005 and to realize all of the Not names we had to make up. We still have trouble keeping some of them straight. Anyway, check out our favorites and remember to send us links to the ones you enjoyed!

Just Put Your Lips Together And...
Circles and Squares
Lay Into Me

We'll Show Each Other Where It Hurts
Reason #551 That I Will Never Be a Lesbian
The Land of Wine and Roses...

I'm a Sex Spy, Baby.
The Winding Road to Smitten

Face the Nation or Why I Wear the Mask
Chick Lit Is Not a Square of Candy-Coated Gum
Ten Commandments of Me