reason #551 that i will never be a lesbian.

So lately i have decided i need to become more adventurous, take more risks. So this evening, NotMiranda and i attended our very first sex toy party. And let me tell you, i can DEFINITELY say that i've met the requirements to this lovely decision.
The both of us arrived in the middle of the lady's presentation. Which was apparently not good, because the hostess, whom i know fairly well, took it upon herself to volunteer me for a game we were to play after the break. Great, i thought, i just hope i don't have to put anything in my mouth.
So we get to taste different lotions and put glow in the dark glitter on, all the while learning about the pleasures and "pains" of certain stimulants. Then it's break time. The lovely host decides to make us all try this stuff called "Ultimate Pleasure." This stuff is like a mint for your vagina, apparently. I did not try it because i really was not ready to be "that" adventurous but i played along, some things you can just fake if you're good enough. Karma is a bitch though.
Breaktime was over and it was time to play the game.
We all walk into the living room and the presenter takes out a seethrough bag and all i see is black straps and beige colored plastic. a strap-on. i take one look at it and my face goes RED. all i hear the hostess say is "OMG i am soooo sorry!" as the presenter makes me spread my legs and attaches the average sized penis to my eight dollar old navy jeans. everyone is laughing SO HARD simply because i am the last person in that room that should have a plastic piece of phallic wonderment in between my legs. i just could not look down. NotMiranda had tears running down her face and i could not make eye contact with ANYONE. so the presenter finishes tightening me up and tells me something, but i can't hear it because the laughter is so loud, so i just look at her. she gestures to the couch and i assume she wants me to sit down. so i do. she then shakes her head and someone yells "NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIE DOWN." great. so i do. and then each person proceeds to try and get three rings around my erect member as i lie there trying not to die.
everyone finishes up and NotMiranda is the only one skilled enough to score a ring. I get a magnetic calendar and two scratchy things for my effort. that's it. i then take that thing off faster than you can say "erectile disfunction" and sit my ass back down on the couch. i took it like a pro...


The rest of the evening was quite entertaining, i learned a lot about vibrators and cock rings. i'm really glad i went, it made my weekend.