Thursday, May 31, 2007

Bar Tabs

Going to bars where one knows the bartender usually results in some hooking up, whether with extra strong drinks or cheaper tabs. Well, when I got my tab for $23 after almost four hours of drinking, I was beyond ecstatic for the hooking up that had ensued. Fast forward to the next day when NotGraceful and I realized that our tabs had gotten switched and he had unknowingly paid not only for a few of my drinks, but for the two I bought for him. Ooops! I was pretty d-runk, though, so it's okay.

Man, Friday was so much fun that we're still talking about it! The other day my one guy friend texted me, "Sorry we couldn't makeout. That's always the highlight of seeing you" (he has a girlfriend now) and then my other guy friend texted, "When are we partying again?" (hottest guy ever.)

Anyway, so continuing from some of what NotMiranda wrote about, here is what I was up to Friday night at the same bar. She is right about my random conversation about bra-size, but what she forgot to mention was my even more random conversation with NotShorty about numbers of orgasms and when a guy has done enough and can be selfish. I am not sure where this came from (Oh wait, maybe the shooter, jack and coke and jeger bomb.)

Once back at my house, where the others had a restroom pit stop, I did indeed lay down in my yard and order NotGraceful to steamroll me. I know what you're thinking- in your front yard?! It was the middle of the night, though, and I'm a slut, I guess. Because when I want to get steamrolled, I get it. NotGraceful must have been new to the act, though, because his skills were a bit awkward and I kept yelling out, "NotBear does it better!" and "Call NotBear! Get him over here!"

Oh, maybe you're wondering what steamrolling is. Well, any number of people lay down on their backs and take their pants off. No wait, kidding about the pants part. Pants stay on! Then one person (the steamroller) proceeds to roll across the people on the ground just like a steamroller would. It's a lot of fun. I promise. NotGraceful needs to work on it, though. He got an "A" for effort, but his execution was a "B-" at best.

I, unfortunately, wasn't there for the events that followed with NotCharlotte, NotMiranda, and NotGraceful as I was home asleep...or drunk emailing/texting/ my night ended with me asleep in my bed still wearing my jeans. I'll let one of the others continue their part of the story.

Monday, May 28, 2007

On why I love Fridays and friends

Ready to kick off a long weekend at our favorite bar, NotCarrie, NotCharlotte and I grabbed NotGraceful and headed down to Fredericksburg to meet up with a couple of NotCarrie’s other Not characters and imbibe in the ambiance of Spirits.

The stresses of the previous week melted away as we took advantage of $2 kamikazes and began sipping that first Jack & Coke. As is typical for Spirits, you stand around long enough and a random assortment of characters find their way to you. NotShorty (we’re talking 6’8’’ here, people) adopted our group early on. Finally, being the oldest in our group got me something as NotShorty swore he was at least 10 years older than everyone present. Shocked I was 31, I smiled as I took the drink as my prize.

Several drinks later, our flirt-o-meters were off the charts and the conversation (and night) took a turn for the interesting. Why don’t we do this “choose your own adventure” style? Which Friday night shenanigan do you want to read about?

- NotGraceful claimed you couldn’t get a hickie from biting, so I proved him wrong*.
- I turn around and NotCarrie had somehow wound up in a conversation that involved guessing what her cup size is.
- Me winding up tipsy enough to end up with my tongue in NotShorty’s mouth in the middle of the bar but not drunk enough to take him up on the ride home from his place the next morning.
- NotCarrie explaining to NotGraceful what steamrolling is in her front yard.
- Sticking my head out the window barreling down I-66 while kissing on the outside of the car.
- Losing both my flip flops and my cell phone as I attempted to ford a river.
- Strip poker until 5 am in the morning.

And that’s just my evening. Curious?

*Poor guy is still wearing a bandaid to work ; )

Thursday, May 24, 2007

In The Stars

My new "thing" is obsessively checking my horoscope. It's not like I plan my day around it or even put too much truth behind it, but it's something trivial to do each day. Well, today's was total hottness:

Someone awfully appealing throws a little sweet talk your way. Go on and throw some right back. Not only will this lift your spirits, it just might open your heart. There's no harm in testing the waters, is there?

The only thing is, my daily astrology email JUST came and what good does that awesome horoscope do me at 11:52pm!? And the only person I can recall who sweet talked me was someone's younger brother and it was just awkward. ANd no, I did not throw any back.

I'll make up for it tomorrow, though. I need to test the waters.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Maybe How NOT To Get The Guy

I went to a bar last night that has karaoke to meet up with some college friends I don't get to see enough. We sat at a booth and after we all had a drink in our hands, we began to catch up and joke around. Until I hear this:

"NotVibrato, NotCarrie, and NotFlowers to the stage, please!" said to music that sounded frighteningy close to a song by Aqua.

Yes, Aqua.

Not one to ignore a call to stage, I dragged my friends up there to squeak our way through the song. "Barbie Girl"?! Seriously? I can't believe NotCharming secretly picked that for us. I don't even know the song, save for the chorus.

Anyway, we got through it, but it was not a pretty sight or sound. I'm fairly sure much of the bar was wishing for it to be over. I wanted to pick another song to redeem my street cred, but I figured it best just to let those few minutes on stage just fade into the night.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

A Sign Of Times To Come

We finally had a gathering where the male to female ration was closer to 1:1!


I was looking at pictures from Friday's party when I realized that in one of the group shots there are four females and....get this...FOUR MALES*! You may remember my recent complaint about the cooter fest that our social group has become. Well, I think this is a good sign of times to come.

*There were more than 8 people there. I'm just using one photographical representation of the evening for my highly scientific statistical research.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Cheer It On

I know we've been lacking in posts lately. I'd like to take much of the blame.
Yesterday, I graduated from NotHarvard. I have therefore deemed last Tuesday through this Sunday as my "Tribute to Alcoholism."
So far, so good. Tuesday night was a party at NotVeryMature's, wherein I got pretty drunk and went to work on 3 hours of sleep and a slight hangover. Wednesday night was Mexican food and margaritas, last night was NotCheers, three drinks, and bumming cigarettes off of tablefulls of cute guys. Tonight is a party being hosted by NotSamantha. I think this will be the culmination of all past nights and future jaunts into the world of drinking/flirting/making out with random guys. Tomorrow night we're headed to NotQuiteRichmond for cheap drinks and unique atmosphere. Past trips to this place have provided many a NotPost, so keep your fingers crossed.

So there's my excuse. If you're lucky, we'll all have something good to contribute come Sunday... after the Motrin kicks in.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Lights Out

The other day at work the power went out. I guess some Transformer* blew up so for almost four hours we were without power. I was offered the option of going home, but this girl needs all the money she can make! I also figured we would get to slack for those four hours and do nothing. Silly me! The same thing happened a couple of years ago and we all just sat near the windows and read or did whatever we wanted so I just assumed we would get to do that this time. After gathering near the windows, I got my group together and said to sit on the floor in a circle for games. Then I went to grab paper and a pen so we could play a good ol' game of MASH. Nevermind that I acted like a 12 year old-I was definitely the most fun one there:)

Anyway, the fun didn't last for long, because those in charge had the audacity to tell us to get back to work. I gave my appropriate amount of attitude and then set off to get some stuff done. First, though, I headed to the breakroom with one of my favorite coworkers, NotRad, to grab our cell phones. Well, it was pitch black dark and kind of scary, but before I could even think about the zombies that could be hiding back there, I had another thought:

"Hey, NotRad, it's too bad we're completely platonic because this would be a lot of fun."

So a semi-wasted opportunity as no one was working with whom I would take advantage of a dark and deserted room...maybe next time. *sigh*

*Please tell me you got the song in your head!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Sweet relief

I almost fell off my chair this morning. NotTutorBoy sent me an email. A long email, in fact, laying out why he cut off contact. My eyes teared up not from sadness but from the sweet relief of knowing just what happened. I hadn't realized until that moment just how much I had been carrying this around. Despite my confidence that everything had been amazing, I realized I had begun to doubt myself. Sweet relief:

"Hey NotMiranda,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. So here's the deal: I've been on and off with this girl for the last year and a half (long distance relationship). When I met/pursued you, we had been broken up for a few weeks. She moved back recently and I took her out to eat so we could talk about things. Long story short, we decided to give it another try. In transit, from the restaurant she found a number of your hairs in my car. Needless to say, she wasn't thrilled. I explained what happened between us and she pretty much asked that I not have contact with you anymore (understandable from her point of view). So this is the reasonfor my disappearing act.

I apologize for not being up front and just letting you know when it happened. I hope you don't hate me, it was not my intention to play games with you or disrespect you in any way. I guess all I can really say is that I apologize, and I hope that you accept.


Thursday, May 10, 2007

Rabid Pussy

The Game Warden just came to investigate what may have been a rabid cat near my house. Sadly, this possibly-rabid cat sort of reminded me of myself. Check it...

I was talking with a friend earlier about tomorrow night's plans and we both almost simultaneously expressed our hopes for all the "new, single, hott males" who might be where we are going. It was one step away from foaming at the mouth in anticipation of all the meat we could potentially encounter at the parties and bars.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm on a constant manhunt where I view every situation as one with potential. Not that I don't think that's a good mindset to have, but when I find myself imagining, Ally McBeal style, jumping across counters to attack male prey, I know it's gone a bit far. I haven't progressed to this erratic behavior (yet), but with the severe lack of play I'm getting, coupled with the even more severe lack of potentials in my group of friends, I'm afraid of what my diseased* mind might do.

And let's talk about this extremely severe lack of potentials that has us chicas plagued. The group dynamic has once again shifted and left us with a total cooter fest. I miss the days of yore when I had oodles of guy friends who, in turn, had oodles of guy friends. It's six degrees of guy friends and I miss it dearly. I mean, desperately.

So, like that rabid cat, I need some meat and I'd prefer mine to be in the form of male. And soon, please, because really? the foaming at the mouth can't be attractive.

Too bad the game warden wasn't hot...

*Hey, lack of kissing is a disease in my book!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

No time like never

iTunes slipped a real downer into the party shuffle that was driving me through my work tasks. Concentration trained on the tasks at hand, I mentally screeched to a hault when India.Arie's I am ready for love* came on. I realized that, ready or not, I don't have time for love.

The muscle knotted between my shoulder blades and the red blood vessels always visibile in my eyes these days tell of work stress and long days and nights spent working two jobs. There are emails unsent to friends I've been planning to catch up with for months, sick family to worry about in other states, dreams of creative projects and new cities I'm too tired to pursue. I've scheduled and committed myself out of a certain kind of life.

How do you go into a relationship telling someone you can love them on Wednesdays and Fridays but are pretty busy the rest of the week?

Such an incredibly sad realization.

*No's actually a beautiful song.

Thursday, May 03, 2007


Over the weekend the Nots and I helped everyone celebrate their 21st birthdays all over again. There was a keg, of Yuengling hereby known as "Das Keg."
We only drank about half of it because the party ended early. Because, well, we were hammered. There were keg stands, Never Have I Evers, robot cupcakes, and lots of crazy flirting going on.
But I digress.
What does one do with half a keg? Specifically, half a keg that has been sitting in one of our friends' living rooms since Saturday night, with the tap still in it?

That's right kids, you drink it.

A select number of individuals came to my house last night in order to "Kick the Keg." NotCarrie, me, NotGraceful, NotCurly, and a new person, NotVeryMature (who was invited simply because she had retrieved said keg) sat on my deck, feet on the bucket holding the keg and played games like Chug the Jug, Flip Cup, and Beer Pong. The beer was slightly flat, but still tasted alright, especially once it was chilled enough. The sky darkened early, especially for 7pm, when we started on Das Keg. It was 9pm when we were drunk off our asses, smoking 15 cigarettes at a time and taking inappropriate pictures. At a certain point in the evening, NotVeryMature decided to start throwing up everywhere and spent the rest of the evening either in my bathroom or leaning over the balcony, spewing her brains out. Lightweight.

Beer drunk is completely different, in my opinion, than liquor drunk. I got a buzz a helluva lot faster than when I drink my staple rum & coke and it seems to stay with me a lot longer. As the pictures proved, our inhibitions ran rampant as we viewed photos of pantless, boxer-clad skinny boys, massively close group hugs, and artsy shots of Das Keg at varying angles and exposures.

I wish I could say the rest of the evening was uneventful, but it wasn't. Most everyone left around midnight and after shoving the empty keg into NotVeryMature's car and saying goodbye to everyone, I found myself across the street, walking my dog and having a very interesting phone conversation with NotGraceful. After going to his house and having NotVM follow him home, he calls me and for the next 15 minutes we discuss reasons as to why he should come over.
He finally does, after saying "You'd better be ready to do whatever I want..." pretty much like he does every time.
This, of course, excites me in my drunken stupor and I try not to fall asleep while I wait for him to come over.
He finally does and we make idle chatter in my basement, watching random reality television, then he turns to me, pulls me on top of him and proceeds to...
I'll leave details out, but it was good and I was satisfied (and we didn't bone). I backed off of him and see that he's still ready for something good so I help him out a little manually.
This appears to upset him, so I ask what he wants me to do. He sputters the word "mouth" and I start to balk. I associate oral sex with "taking it to the next level," aka "being more intimate than laying vertical on a couch with the lights on."
He notices this. Proceeds to get perturbed.
He then goes on a tangent, spouting out sentences that really made me glad I hadn't gone for it. He says things that include "you're so young" and "what do you want, a relationship?" and my personal favorite, "I guess this makes me an asshole then, huh?"
This was all said with half closed eyes, still laying on the couch, pants unzipped and belt on the floor.
All I can do is shake my head at him. He gets up, gathers his belongings, and pretty much storms out of my house.
Leaving his guitar. If any of you have a use for an acoustic guitar missing the top string, let me know. Or, if you have any good ideas as to how I could dispose of it, let me know as well.

I know some of you are like "jeez, finally NotCharlotte, you learned your lesson!"
I think my Not ladies understand my predicament, and why I kept coming back to him for late night rendezvous. Hell, I had even made out with him on NotCurly's deck the weekend before.

But no more! I need to stop analyzing it over and over again and just drop it. I would say I'd do the "out of sight, out of mind" thing, however we both hang out with the same people and the next few weeks provide plenty of opportunity for interpersonal exchanges that involve alcohol, getting drunk, and celebrating graduations.

I think the only way to resolve this is for me to get really drunk and punch him.