Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Well Fuck...

So, last Friday while getting it on with NotChrisRock, he says to me:

"I want to be monogamous."

*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Thursday, November 06, 2008

That's How Strong My Love Is

Oh, Otis Redding...you break my heart and make it all warm at the same time.

If I was the sun way up there
I'd go with love most everywhere
I'll be the moon when the sun goes down
Just to let you know that I'm still around

That's how strong my love is, oh
That's how strong my love is,
That's how strong my love is, baby, baby,
That's how strong my love is.

I'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears
You can go swimming when you're here
I'll be the rainbow when the sun is gone
Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm

That's how strong my love is, darling,
That's how strong my love is, baby,
That's how strong my love is, oooh,
That's how strong my love is.

I'll be the ocean so deep and wide
I'll get out the tears whenever you cry,
I'll be the breeze after the storm is gone
To dry your eyes and love you warm

That's how strong my love is, baby,
That's how strong my love is,
That's how strong my love is, darling,
That's how strong my love is,
That's how strong my love is, so deep in,
Well, that's how strong my love is

So much love, yes so much love, oohh,
Yes so much love, yes so much love,
Anything that I can do, I'll be good for you,
Any kind of love you want, I'll be with you....


~NotCarrie

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Fearlessly Calling Bluffs.

I'm NotLexi, I've been reading this blog for sometime and am very good friends with NotCharlotte, who asked me to be a guest writer. Why? I can only assume she's amused by my manner of relating my various misadventures. She obviously thought other people might get a kick out of it as well.

Rewind to summer of 2005. I was a sophomore in college, and killing time. One particular afternoon, my buddy, NotBatman and I find ourselves hanging out with our other buddy, NotTheRiddler at the apartment in Georgetown in which he's renting a room from a guy he knows from work. We were there because the roommate has a big screen TV and ALL the channels, and we're not people who want to miss out on an oppurtunity to watch softcore porn on a big screen TV for free, also we were told there was a Five Guys nearby, so basically it was a situation that couldn't go wrong. As we're awkwardly standing around, NotTheRiddler takes the oppurtunity to introduce us to his roommate - let's call him NotSethRogen (we'll get to why later.) So, it's the usual, this is so-and-so, this is blah-blah-blah. I should also note, that at the time I was really sick with a cold, so I was in way on top form. Anyhow, the afternoon goes off well, the porn was amusing, the hamburgers - delicious.

The next day, NotTheRiddler tells me that his roommate thought I was cute. More than that, but that he would really like to do me. How flattering. So, I shrug this off. Now, I ought to also mention that at this point I was a pretty blase sort of girl, plodding along - however, somehow NotTheRiddler got this crazy idea (which he still harbours) that I am some sort of Black Widow, this may or may not be true. He tells me I'm not to "destroy the soul" of his roommate. Whatever.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I'd somehow managed to enter into a long winded text/email/myspace interaction with NotSeth. Eventually, I get talked into going to his improv comedy show. (No joke, he does improv comedy, hence the NotSomeoneActuallyFunny monkier.) So, I drag my long-suffering friend, NotHarleyQuinn, and NotTheRiddler and off we go.

It's funny, but not really funny, funny in a kind of weak way. But, I, ladies and gentleman am a woman of almost infinite patience. We sat through it, granted, I did manage to somehow wangle us in for free, so it was really no one's loss. After the "family friendly" show, we stepped outside, I congratulated NotSeth on not being too painful. He seemed...well, let's just say he seemed excited that I had bothered to show up. He also ardently encouraged us to attend the "grown up" comedy improv. I asked if I would be allowed to make suggestions involving beastiality. Yes. Necrophilia? Yes. Well, I was sold. After enduring the second round of this madness, NotHarley and I make our way downstairs for a drink. NotSeth says he'll join us.

When he finally does so, it's him, one of the guys from the show and some girl. She's an important character, let's call her...Sarah. After about 15 minutes, she enthusiastically grabs his hand, and makes some ridiculous comment and being able to "deal" with him not being Jewish. She and I apparently had a world in common, Jewish being just the tip of that iceberg. Anyhow - We then realize that this dull, poorly dressed Sarah is NotSeth's girlfriend, significant other, bit'o'stuff. Well, that's interesting - considering the barrage of flirtation I had been receiving/enduring up to this point. He however did not behave like she was much a girlfriend, despite excruciating discussion of their sex life.

Now, this went on in much the same manner, with her being pathetically demonstrative and him flirting with me, until NotTheRiddler made some whiney comment about not making enough money, to which, NotSeth said "Dude, you're so greedy. All one needs in life to be happy is to be is enough money to live on, a mistress and a slave." And that, to me, was an irresistable invitation to debauched conversation. Sarah rolls her eyes (subtext: not this again.) and I plunge into hilarious BDSM related banter. Of course, he loves this, I love a good bout of perversion, and she is freaking out (rightfully so.)

As the party eventually broke up, he bid me fairwell with the words "call me if you need to be disciplined." Yeah right. She, who was so keen on being my new BFF, was a little pale around the gills.

It has since come to my attention that they are in an "open relationship". She believes she's alright with this, and I think he certainly is. However, I think after that evening she felt a little more unstable. Because it's all very well and good to say you're okay with an open relationship...until there's a girl bitchy enough to call your bluff.

Oh, and call her bluff I shall.

Thanks, But No Thanks

This guy keeps hitting on me at work and while it's flattering, I really just want him to stop. The problem is, though, that I think he thinks I may be interested. See, I never recognize him when he comes in so I say hello like I do to everyone and I think he mistakes my smile and happiness for being excited to see him. Yesterday when he came by someone else went to say hello to him and he said hi, then came straight to where I was and said to the other guy, "I came to see her." (OMG) Of course, I was caught by surprise and in the miliseconds that this all happened, I was saying hello and smiling like I do to everyone (So you can see how he would mistake this interaction for me being happy to see him).

*SIGH*

The last time he came in, I honestly thought that maybe I had misunderstood him when he said he wanted to buy me coffee. This time there was nothing ambigious about what he said. He wants to " come back and see" me and "take [me] out for coffee". I don't know what to do when he says these things, though, because I am not in an environment where I can be mean or in a place like a bar where I can just leave. NotSnape, a coworker, made it even worse later when he told me that my inadvertant blushing* probably sealed the deal for the guy. Crap!

So I don't know what to do. My only plan so far is to have either NotSnape or NotGraceful** come be protective and boyfriend-like when this admirer is there. I can't just say, "I'm not interested" because then he has the opportunity to take it all back and said, "That's not what I meant!" and how mortifying would that be!? I'm also hoping that I now recognize him sooner so I can not smile when I say hi.

Like I told NotBecky, it's tough being so gorgeous and charming.

~NotCarrie



*It was really warm in there. I was so hot.
**Did I change his name? I thought I had. Hmmm

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Ruminations on a Theme

So things with Starbucks guy didn't pan out. We went out a few times and I realized that either he was intimidated by me, or I was too old for him. Either way, we still have our little conversations when I happen to see him on my morning passing through that warm room of caffienated heaven and we send random Palin-related texts to each other sometimes. It is what it is.

I was supposed to go on a date tonight with the man that thumb licked my face. His persistence was trying to pay off and I finally consented to letting him take me out for a drink and to see a comedy show.
It was Thursday and we were chatting online and he said "ok, let's go at 8, I'll pick you up at your house." Then he quickly signed off, saying he needed to study and eat dinner.
I didn't hear from him the rest of the evening, nor on Friday, or the good part of today. I began to be amused. He wasn't a detail-oriented guy, but you would think he'd ask where exactly it was that I lived before he decided to not talk to me again before we had our date.
Around 730, he sends me a text, asking for my address. Yes, 30 minutes before we were expected to jet off to DC. Why didn't I give him my address before, you ask? I was too busy being amused at his insistence of planning the date and not asking my opinion, that I thought it was his job to ask me where he should pick me up.

I was telling notmiranda about this as she waited for her flight home from Portland, and she asked me if I was going to rethink the whole "he's giving me attention, I'll play along with it for awhile" point of view that I've been seeing him with.
I had a mini ephiphany and realized that hey, I want a guy that I love, not a guy that I sort of could possibly like.

This is the dawn of a new period in the life of NotCharlotte. I vow to not waste my time with any guy that I know will never have a chance with me.
Harsh as that sounds, I have realized that with all of the guys I've dated in the past, I knew that I couldn't see myself with them permanently. Within one date, hell, one hour of a date with any of them, I knew that it wasn't a permanent thing. I stuck with it because I wanted to "gain experience" and yes, on some occassions I did happen to fool myself into "loving" the person I was with, but now I think I've had enough of those situations. I need to start trusting my judgment, not making exceptions for what I think I could possibly deal with for the moment.

Friday, October 10, 2008

He's everything I want...can I give him back now...

NotChrisRock has told me in no uncertain terms that I'm contrary for no reason, than to be contrary.

I've decided to believe that he's right. To an extent.

With this latest relationship, I got just about everything I asked for in a partner: someone who could see through the smoke and screens I cloak myself in; someone with a backbone who would stand up to my nonesense; someone to cuddle with, etc, etc. The list seems to go on for a bit. So now that I've had a sample of the good life, what do I want.

To give it back with every fiber of my being.

NotChrisRock is great, but he does a lot of delving into my psyche and what he's pulling out a lot of the time is not what I'm ready to deal with. Last night was one such event.

In post-coital bliss he mentioned something almost sent me running from the bed and from him. Now, I'm stuck between re-establishing the just lovers statuse or go ahead with the status quo. Not sure what to do, but in the end I'm now an even firmer believer in "be careful what you wish for."

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Gild from the Lily…

As with many things that are new for me, the shine has seem to have worn off from NotChrisRock.

In fact, he made me quite angry this Friday.

I'll preface this with an explanation. I like the shiny. I like to window shop, and I do get the opportunity to do so, I don't place a definite time limit, or general speed on which to do it in. Normal time limits such as meeting friends or catching a movie will apply.

So, Friday evening started out like this: NotChrisRock is new to the area and hasn't experienced the wonder that is Tyson's Corner. When I suggested this as a place to go he was all for it. I mentioned that I would like to window shop, but would also be up for a movie. He was game, so after getting frisky with it, off we went.

Within 20 minutes of hitting the mall proper I realized that I had made a mistake. He was a shopping shopper. Not content to do window shopping or rather not content to let me window shop, he felt the need to guide me, under the guise of hand holding (dragging) from storefront to (away from) storefront. At first I was annoyed and told him so, then I got increasingly more so. By the time we had purchased tickets, had a beer and then walked around a bit more before returning to the movie theatre for our show, I was nearly beside myself with wanting to leave him stranded at the mall. If it weren't for the fact that my clothing (and my favorite pair of boots), were trapped in his apartment, I probably would have too. The final straw came in the form of a beckon, after I had exited the ladies room and was heading in a parallel line to meet up with him in front of the theatre I turned and he stood about thirty feet away calling me over (like a puppy). For this he got both raised eyebrows and a spike in my temper. When he continued to do so, I finally returned the gesture with one of my own (children were present so I had to refrain from telling him he was #1), but I'm sure he got the point. Finally, when he refused to move, and I refused to move, I turned on my heels and left for the movie.

He appeared beside me two minutes later, where I proceeded to blast him about treating me like a puppy. The conversation went something like this:

"I don't like nor do I need to be lead around." – NS

"You walk so slow…why didn't you just walk over to me after you came out of the bathroom." – NCR

"I saw you. We were going to meet at the theatre so I headed in that direction. I was walking parallel to where we were going to meet." – NS

"But you could have just turned and come to me." – NCR

"I didn't want to…look I don't like you beckoning to me like I'm a puppy." – NS

This continued until we entered the theatre. At which time, we sat, I hogged my armrest and he hogged his. Twenty minutes into the movie his hand crept over to mine. And forty minutes into it he draped my leg over his. The argument in my mind, was gone, but not forgotten.

Following the movie was the trek back to the car, where the real issues turned up.

"You're thinking, what are you thinking about? Talk to me." – NCR

"I'm trying not to think right now." – NS (See for me this is when he should have let it drop and move onto other things. I didn't want to talk about my busy week at work, my stress level with work, my issues with what happened earlier tonight, I just wanted to get in the car, go back to his place, bounce on him, have an O and then sleep until the morning. Obviously, what I wanted didn't matter…not right then anyway.)

"That's a cop out, what's on your mind?" – NCR

"I really don't want to crawl inside of my head right now, and I really don't need you analyzing me." – NS

"I'm not analyzing you. I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong." – NCR

A snort and a laugh from me. "You know sometimes I should keep my big mouth shut because I asked for this and I got it." – NS

What followed was the continued walk to the car. Silently, thank god. Followed by an even more silent ride back to his apartment, capped off by the equivalent of a Mexican standoff, tv/book style. Finally, I asked if he was going to ignore me all night. He then proceeded to open up with "You said you didn't want to talk."

Now here is where I kick myself. I have always lamented that I didn't have someone who got me, someone who I didn't have to go into details with because they just understood me. NotChrisRock in his own way, gets me. And it freaks me out because he does. And on Friday, that was the last thing I wanted to confront. So, I explained for a bit, complained I was tired, let him drag me into the bedroom, where I proceeded to bounce on him again, get my O and then fell into a semi-satisfied sleep.

Cowardly, you bet, but I've decided that all bets are off when dealing with NotChrisRock. He's way too good at poking at the parts of me that I'm not ready to look at yet.


Thursday, October 02, 2008

Kill, Marry, Fuck- The Election Version

The rules are simple. You pick one to KILL. One to MARRY. And one to FUCK.

Joe Biden


Barack Obama


John McCain


and if you're into chicks:


Sarah Palin


Michelle Obama


Cindy McCain


~NotCarrie

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Backstory…


posted by NotSamantha


So I realize that while I've been tripping the fun fantastic dating life with NotChrisRock, I realize that I haven't filled you guys in on what's been going on between one visit from Aunt Flo and another.

The High Points: Following Bite Night, NotChrisRock and I continued to learn a bit about each other. For me, I learned, while not a slob, he's not really that neat either, pet peeve sorta, but given my own bedroom's state of disarray, I gave it a pass. Also, while at time self deprecating, he's also very honest about what he thinks about other people and sticks by his opinions, which I appreciate. There is nothing worse than a man who can't hold onto a thought when faced with an opposing one. He's a good cook and says he can play a mean game of cards. Oh, and one thing, that I'm starting to like/hate about him. HE's a football junkie. Specifically: college football, more specifically: the SEC. Now, as I consider myself quite the girlie girl, I've never been one for football. I can appreciate from afar and that's about it. However, I've found that more often than not when I'm over at NotChrisRock's apartment he's got his tv tuned to a football game or ESPN is reviewing one that he just watched. And because this is the DC area it just wouldn't be complete with the political, and he's definitely political. Not sure what he's learned about me, except that I like coffee and lots of it and that I can stay up until 4am and still be ready to go.

The Low Points: In the bedroom he's rocking the failboat on getting me there. However, we introduced one of my toys and that worked out very well indeed, so I'm sort of satisfied in that regard. He's very much into going with the flow, and I'm very much a plan it to prevent from failing and we found after a frustrating evening of trying to decide where we should go out to that week, that we were making each other angry…at least I was angry. He's into his stuff and often to the detriment of the others (read: me) around him. There have been several occasions when I've been over and he's been either watching a game or playing a video game and he's not stopped playing or has started one of these activities when I arrive and continues to do so. To be honest, I'm not sure if I care. If he were in the BF category I would be majorly pissy, as it stands I'm shrugging it off. He makes me laugh, cooks food for me if I ask and is really good at keeping my attention off of work.

Not the love of my life, but I knew that 10 seconds after meeting him. And I'm going to take some advice from NotASong on this whole shebang. "He's a nice guy, you deserve a nice guy…so stop looking for problems and just enjoy him while he's here."

And so I am.

Friday, September 26, 2008

This is the oddest thing...

Soooo...my phone just rang and its NotChrisRock. He says, "I've just put a pot of coffee on for you."

*raised eyebrow*

"Am I supposed to be coming over?" From me, she who now wears the clueless hat.

"Yeah, I'll see you when you get here."

Now, lets step back a bit. I've made no plans to see NotChrisRock tonight. Mainly, because I can't get any because Aunt Flo is visiting. He knows this as well. So why the invite? or lure since its coffee?

I have to appreciate his self confidence, but the chutzpah!

Is comfortable enough

Let me begin with the fact that I never (or maybe very rarely) dream about people I'm interested in or people I know in any kind of sexual or relationship-y way. However, last night I had what amounted to the sweetest, most realistic dream about one of my own. I don't want to mention his name here right now, but he has appeared on these pages before.

There was a lot more going on in the dream, but I'll just stick to the important parts. I was hanging out with my gentleman friend, and we were discussing our mutual friends. I confess that this one friend has been driving me crazy, and suddenly he kisses me. Full on. The odds of this particular boy doing this in real life are so slim I might win the lottery first (only b/c he is uber shy and wrapped up in layers of awkwardness). We kissed for a long time, and then pulled away and kissed again. We were happy. We were also very adult about it and honest. He looks at me, smiling, and says how comfortable that was. I smile because I was thinking the same thing. It wasn't full of passion or that "thing" that makes you think you might die if you don't kiss them again. It was just like coming home. It was the feeling that I could kiss that person any time I saw them just because I wanted to.

So here's my question to you all. Would comfortable be enough for you?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Two And A Half Hours Of Sex (And The City)

I finally saw the Sex And The City movie last night. The others saw it on opening night or something, but I was not into the idea of paying too much to see it at midnight in a crowded audience. I'm a fan of matinees months after a movie came out where we're the only ones in the theatre. But enough about when I didn't see it! Here are my thoughts (Oh, and if there's actually another person who hasn't seen it yet, there are spoilers ahead, I guess):

  • It was definitely long, but I didn't feel like it was too drawn out.
  • If anything, I would have cut out more of the Samantha parts-she tends to annoy me. It was good to finally see a wang in a movie that wasn't on Kevin Bacon. Especially after all the breasts.
  • Speaking of...the Mirana sex scene was crazy! Whoa! Had she ever done one like that in the show?
  • I love Steve.
  • The fashion was definitely fun. My favorites were the couture wedding dresses, of course.
  • The best scene (acting wise) was when Charlotte yells at Big after he doesn't show up at the wedding. And when Carrie yells, "Get me out of here!" It was very "Sandra Oh".
  • I was going to turn the movie off if Steve didn't show up on the bridge. I'm still not happy that Samantha and Smith broke up-that's bullshit.
  • Lily was super cute, but also a big trouble maker with that phone!
  • Jennifer Hudson as Carrie's assistant didn't bother me as much as I expected her to. She was worst when she came off as kind of stupid and with no depth. She kind of oscillated between okay and stupid.
  • I want Charlotte's apartment. Or Carrie's new one!
  • Did they ever mention or show Carrie's parents during the show?
  • So now they're saying they might have a second movie? What will the plot be for that, though?
  • Miranda is so pretty when she has a lot of eye makeup on! (Not that she does not usually.)
  • I loved the Valentine's Day scene with the balloons, haha!
  • Carrie is a freak petite. This was obvious when Big proposed and was almost her height when on bended knee. I am glad I'm tall.
  • I was glad Charlotte got some real scene instead of her usual stuff (like when she was in the shower in Mexico...it's just so...fake.)
  • Samantha is my least favorite because every word she speaks sounds like she's doing voiceover for a p0rno.
  • Carrie looked super hott as a brunette! Darker is better, my friends.
  • That is all.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

In The Meantime

1) Do you have any friends you would have sex with?
Of course. The list is way short, though.


(2) Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
why narrow it down? Bring it.


3)Ever had to pull over along the road and puke?
Yes...yuck!


(4) Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Not yet.

(5) Shower or bath while having sex?
I hate baths.


(6) Mexican girls or Chinese guys?
Guys, please.

(7) Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Be aggressive. B-E aggressive (remember that cheer?)


(8) Do you love any of your friends?
of course


(9) Love or Money?
<3


(10)Credit cards or cash?
cash


11) where is the weirdest place you had sex?
backseat of my car...oh wait, that's soon.

(12) Camping or a 5 star hotel?
are you kidding me? 5 star.

(14) Would you shave your entire body (including your head)?
nooooooo

(15) Have you ever been to a strip club?
Camelot!

(16) Ever been to a bar?
do you know me at all?

(17) Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
ugh, yes.

(18) Ever been so drunk someone else had to carry you?
no

(19) Had sex in a movie theater?
no

(20) Had sex in a bathroom?
likely

(21) Have you ever had sex at work?
not yet

(22) Ever been to an adult store?
yes

(23) Bought something from an adult store?
condoms

(24) Have you been caught having sex?
no

(25) Does anyone have naughty pics of you?
not yet


(26) Ever had sex with someone and called them by the wrong name?
hahaha no, but one time I almost said the wrong name just in general. yikes! it's still bad.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Its all about the Benefits, baby..

Okay so NotChrisRock got another date, at which time he took the kid gloves off and left me with a bite mark.

Which, turned me on so much I took off almost all of my clothing.

Thank god we were in his apartment.

And now the details for those of you who just did a spit take at your screen.

Last Thursday turned into date two for myself and NotChrisRock. We met on his side of town this time, to avoid the awkward "I don't have a car, but I'm legit conversation" that was still nagging in the back of my head.

We then proceeded down to a small shopping center where we fed my office supply addiction and then got coffee. We had initially decided to play it loose and just do things as they struck us, but that became real old really quick.

After coffee he suggested tv watching at his place, and while skeptical that tv is what he wanted to watch, I was confident I could fend off his paws, especially since Mother Nature had made her presence known that day. If there is one thing that will cool my ardor quickly, its having my period. I don't want kids and if this was fates way of telling me to just say no, I was going to stick to it.

So back to his place we went, where the idea of looking at tv got tossed after he kissed me and then bit me.

Did I mention I have this kink about biting...I like it...a lot.

I'm not to proud to say I became a semi posable goo in his hands...who immediately remembered that this would not be going anywhere in my current state of Cousin Flow.

So while deflecting his hands from below the waistline and trying to keep my wits about me, I finally stumbled out that he couldn't put his hands down my pants. To which he said:

"If you're on your period, I understand."

I blushed...this was not typical date conversation...at any time, but I soldiered on and confirmed that yes, there would be nothing doing in that area tonight, no matter how much he wanted to. Thinking I had cooled him down with my body's betrayal. No one was more shocked than me when he said...

"I'll just have to make you regret having your period."

I will go on record here and now and say, I have never regretted more being on my cycle than I did after that night.

But wait there's more. During the subsequent pillow talk after I was made to regret being on my period, I found that NotChrisRock and I may just have several more things in common, like the fact that neither of us is interested in being in a relationship right now. And that this should be very casual...friends with bennies!

Okay, so no love of my life, but a great friend with which to answer my bodies cravings, that's for sure.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Eyes Open

I remember reading an interview with Jessica Simpson awhile back where she said she likes to kiss with her eyes open. I happen to agree...unfortunately, my reasoning differs from hers as she said she likes to see what she's kissing and to know if she's enjoying it (I'm soooo paraphrasing here). I find that it adds a different element because it gives the opportunity to connect with sight and not just with the actual lip-lock. Keeping your eyes open the entire time is a bit creepy and may shock your partner, but I highly suggest taking a peak from time to time.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Chemistry without Sparks? I'm sure there's some scientific dating term for this...

So, OkCupid has netted me one date thus far, since I last posted about signing up online (again) and trying to re-enter the dating world.

And for that one date it was, in a word okay, which as we all know is the death knell of any male I'm seeing.

There were no sparks, but chemistry, of a sort was present, I think I'll dub it Kindredstry since it felt like we had known each other long enough to get along, but not long enough to feel that flicker of attraction. NotChrisRock (because I swear that's who he looks like and jokes like for that matter), was funny, open and great to talk to. Which, are all pluses in his favor.

And then there are the minuses...He's touchy feely (I think hand holding and PDAs should be built up to since we've only just met in person), he doesn't have a car (but in his defense I found out he's only lived in the DC Metro area for the last three months), and has facial hair (superficial of me, yes, but I like a clean shaven man).

However, he hasn't done anything that's a deal breaker and he keeps things interesting. So that warrants a 2nd date. Or according to him, dinner at his place.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Static cling...a friend to no one

It looks like I might have to change NotMoxy's name to TooClingy. As Friday rolled around and I tried to psych myself up for my date, something kept telling me abandon ship. I'm just not a casual dater. In my world, I want to be your friend and discover one day we're madly in love. Right.

Since I do live in reality, I forced myself (with the strong encouragement of my girls) to go on this date. Since he was running late, I stationed myself at a booth near the bar and had a drink to calm my nerves. That, combined with flirting with the bar manager, seemed to help. NotMoxy eventually arrived and we had a pleasant enough evening just chatting away. He's a nice guy, and we share a lot of similar interests. The problem is that there was just no there there.

You know that feeling when you look across the table at someone and feel absolutely nothing? No chemistry. I knew the end was near when I found myself chanting silently, "please don't try to kiss me; please don't try to kiss me," as he walked me to the metro.

Turns out the lack of chemistry must have just been on my part. The next morning I awoke to an early morning email telling me what a nice time he had and saying he hoped I would consider him my boyfriend one day. Later that afternoon, I got a voicemail from him asking how my weekend was going. This past Sunday I blew out of town for a work project that had me out of cell and internet range. When I finally returned to civilization last night, I had yet another voicemail from him telling me how he "missed me already" and wished "he had met me sooner."

Now, I have not spoken to him since our date on Friday, but clearly this is something I need to nip in the bud. I wonder if they make that static cling spray for relationships.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Triple Venti Excited

There are three Starbucks I frequent during my work week.
My favorite one is nearest to my house, at the start of my daily 45 minute commute to work. I arrive there anywhere between 630 and 700, depending on how long I take to get ready.
I am almost embarrassed to say this, but I have a fondness for one of my baristas. He's tall, he's dark haired, he's scruffy, wears dark rimmed glasses. But that's not all. He remembers my drink, every single time.
I know, I know, it's their JOB to remember my drink. Hell, I go there so often I'm almost offended if they don't.
But he not only remembers my drink, he remembers little facts about me. He remembers when I'm supposed to come in and if I'm late, he asks if everything's ok. I didn't come by for an entire week and when I came back in, he asked me where I had been. He asked me questions about what I do for a living. He gives me snarky attitude that makes the managers look at him funny, then look at me to gauge my response (which is, of course, smitten. I am the QUEEN of snark).
Yesterday, NotMiranda and I stopped by for a cool drink to get us some energy for DSW. There were five people working that day and I didn't see my dark haired coffee stallion. I resigned myself to be rung up by the cute, albeit 17 year old blonde clerk, when who should appear through the service door but him.
He gives blondie a look, then comes to the register I'm standing in front of, heaving bucket of ice in his arms, and starts to take my order.
"what are you doing here? it's not 6 in the morning! same thing as usual? hot or cold?"
i stumble out my response, making small talk with him as NotMiranda smirks at the back of my head. I had told her about my starbucks bf before and she was putting two and two together.
He writes my order on the cup and rings me up, then goes right back to his ice filling job.
The drink barista grabs my cup and reads it aloud and from the back storage area, he yells "and make sure it's non-fat!"

I know it's silly for me to be slightly enamoured by a caffeine slinging hunk of a man, but seriously, it's working.
My question for you, dear readers, is how do I take it to the "next level" without ruining my lovely starbucks experience? I'd like to at least find out his name, maybe see if he's single, but what if it goes awry?

I guess what I'm getting at is, do I jeopardize my favorite starbucks on the off chance that I could get a real date out of it?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Where it's at

I've developed a new theory. I think Silver Spring (a DC suburb for those non-Washingtonians) contains an abnormally high percentage of bold single men. Most of the men my friends have met and dated recently live in Silver Spring. NotCharlotte flirted with dating a craigslister from Silver Spring. NotCurly danced into the heart of a Silver Spring boy while partying at the Black Cat.

My own Silver Spring experience seems to confirm this theory. A couple of weeks ago I had a long meeting in Silver Spring and decided to walk up to the Avenue shops and grab something different for lunch (different from my usual McPherson Square environment). Anyway, I wandered around looking at my options and finally decided on Chick-fil-a. All of a sudden this guy walks up to me and is like, "Excuse me. I saw you walking down Georgia Avenue [now...at this time I thought he was going to tell me my skirt was ripped or something] and was so amazed that I had to make the block and come find you." Personally, I seriously question his vision. It was really hot that day, and I was (in my opinion) a hot mess. Anyway, he said he just had to give me his card and that he would like to take me out to dinner. I think I was shocked. I can't remember exactly what all sputtered out of my mouth, but I do know the entire interaction was no more than a couple of minutes. I thanked him and said I would email him that night, explaining that I'm an "email" person. You could tell he didn't believe for a second I would email him.

Ya'll don't know me that well, but I'm not big on meeting strangers. First impressions are hard for me and bonding with people upon first meeting them is difficult. I'm more a third impression kind of girl. That said, he was attractive enough and also seemed nervous...like this was something he didn't do all the time. I found that a bit endearing. Plus, his business card indicated he did film stuff (director and editor). I figure this gave us at least had one thing in common. So, I did what any e-savvy girl would do and googled him when I got home (and also looked at his website). What I saw intrigued me, and I appreciated his moxy. I decided to email, and after jumping through some scheduling loopholes, I have a date scheduled for this Friday with NotMoxy. I'll keep you posted. :-)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

May December

I stared at my computer screen for at least a minute, trying to make sense of the image in front of me. A picture of the newly married husband and wife. Three days later and no sense has been made. I still can't even wrap my mind around it. I think I've told anyone I can, just to share the craziness and everyone has the same reaction: "EW!"

That's what you say when you hear a girl two years younger than you married your college professor who is at least 60.

EW!!!!

Now, maybe I'm judging the situation quickly because I haven't talked to her in a few years and haven't talked to him in an even longer time, but one thing I do know is that I am not attracted to men older than my father. The very idea kind of grosses me out.

In the past few days, as I have tried to be okay with this, I have had the following thoughts:

-OK, so maybe he's really sweet and they're in love....but in ten years he'll be 70 when she is 34! and when she is 44 he will be 80!!!! And 40 is the new 30, which makes it even worse. I can't knock the mental image of Anna Nicole Smith (RIP) kissing her decrepid, old husband. NOT HOTT!
-OK, so I'll admit some older men have been attractive to me...but they usually don't look their age and also I am not planning on marrying said man, thus beginning the inevitable "when I am this age, he will be reallllly old."
-How did this tryst begin? How do you say, "You were always a great student. I loved your papers! NOW KISS ME!" or "You're a great teacher....that's always been a fantasy of mine..." EW!
-How do you bring your really old boyfriend when you hang out with your friends? Don't old people go to sleep early? And need to drink Metamucil?


What's the biggest age difference you've had between yourself and a suitor? I think for me it's only been a few years. I kind of gave myself a rule that I wouldn't date anyone older than my brother (who is six years older than me). It just seems weird in my mind otherwise. Not that I would turn down someone amazing, but generally speaking, I am NOT a fan of the May-December romance.

NotCarrie

Vegas of the South

My flight had already been delayed five hours when they decided to board us. I was all ready to go, laying my head on the wall by my window seat when I heard the man three rows behind me yell "I'm SIX FOOT SEVEN, there's NO ONE IN THE EXIT ROW. YOU'RE TELLING me I HAVE TO PAY AN EXTRA SIXTY_FIVE DOLLARS TO SIT WHERE MY FEET AREN'T SQUISHED LIKE A FUCKING RAT IN A CAGE?!?"
I sighed and tried to read up on Reese and Jakey. Fifteen minutes after we had all finished boarding, the captain got on the intercom and announced that yes, we had boarded the plane, but unfortunately, we were not taking off for at least another hour. Giant-man sighed extra loudly and we all kind of jostled around in our seats, drinking "free" water and watching Nim's Island. After two more hours of sitting on the plane, we de-boarded, back through one of the gates at the Orlando International Airport, to wait for new, "fresh" flight attendants to fly in from DC and come back with us to our home.
We had about an hour to go, left to fend for ourselves in a near-empty airport, considering it was nearing midnight. I spent my time eating ritz crackers and huddling by a plug, letting my blackberry charge while I complained to my friends and family about how shitty this situation was.
We finally boarded the plane again and somehow this man had not only found two more men, but he had also found himself a lovely seat, in the exit row... right in front of my seat.
Now this wouldn't bother me in normal circumstances, I mean hey I've gotten a free upgrade plenty of times, but I digress.
What bothered me was that he and his dos amigos were drunk. And I'm not talking "woohoo tipsy," I'm talking "OK we're off the plane, let's down as much booze as possible."
These men were in their mid-40s and as I sat there, watching them knock heads and not so subtly hitting on the flight attendants, I started to feel bad for them.
Drunk men have no sense of right or wrong, they simply say what they feel and do what they want, damned if anyone tries to stop them. I looked at them and thought of the many guys I've hung out with when they were in that state of inebriation. And how stupid they were. And how awesome I thought that was. These men sitting in front of me, pouring their drinks all over their chair, the floor, my outstretched legs, these men are the guys I used to hang out with, all "grown up" and I was embarrassed for them! They stood, in turn, and tried to head for the bathroom, instead knocking into the rows next to them, behind them, in front of them, all at once grabbing their temples and poor peoples' armrests, trying to make the floor stop moving.
It was sad and amusing all at the same time.
Amusing because, twenty minutes before landing, they had finally finished their venti cups of rum and pepsi and everything started to hit. They couldn't keep their heads upright, one of them kept muttering "where the fuck is Tyson's?" and they had just finished the "i love you, man!" stage, therefore resulting in their unwillingness to make eye contact with each other.
It was lovely.

I hope they all made it home safely, I didn't want anything bad to happen to them, it just made me reflect on the amount of times I had been around people like that. It made me realize that I, for one, was done hanging out with guys like that.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Just Don't Call It Spooning

It's amazing how quickly a person can get used to sleeping in the same bed as someone else. And by "get used to" I mean "want it all the time".

Saturday, July 12, 2008

A Lemming? Who me?

Once again, I've decided to try out online dating services (is it really a service if you don't work with someone?), in order to get a date. Given that I've signed up for OKCupid, Match.com (again) and AdultFriendFinder (again) and haven't heard a peep is sort of discouraging.

OKCupid is the latest and greatest and while I've gotten little to no response to my profile I have been stalked a few times (which is equal parts encouraging and disturbing), I've yet to have someone actually send me a note (or comment, or whatever the hell you get). I'm not going to question my profile, survey or pictures that I have posted, but I'm starting to wonder about my age group and dating. What I mean is:

Have we gotten lazy about the prospect of finding a date?

For example, I've heard of people finding "the One" when they've finally decided to stop looking. Could that be what's happened? Did I miss the boat on the whole movement to officially 'not look' for my person? Not to say that I've been hitting the dating pool every chance I get, but should I even try? In the most lemming of thoughts, because no one else is doing it sounds like a good out right now.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Renovating

Please excuse our mess. The person who designed our blog four years ago didn't get proper permission from the artist to use the lovely images you're used to seeing a the top. We'll be a bit naked but promise to come back with a new and exciting (*cough*) legal design!

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Ohhh REALLY?

So I last left you guys with the story of NotGreeny telling me how he'd stop smoking for me. This was back in January, where I think my need for cuddly heat was in higher demand than my need to have a respectable sense of mind, so I believed him. We hung out a few more times and when he asked me to hang out with him on Valentine's Day, I hesitantly said yes. Hesitantly because in my mind, V-Day is kind of a big deal, seeing as how most American's find that the perfect day to give chocolates, cards, and sex.
No, we had not had sex. Nor did I want to have sex with him. I mean, if the kissing was that bad... I think you know where I'm going with this.
Anyway, he asked me to come over around 8 and I had also been invited to an Indie Singles Party at my friend NotMexican's house, which I was going to attend with my best boo NotRVA, so I had a good excuse to leave early, if the situation got to that point.
I arrive at his house promptly at 8, only to find myself calling his cell phone, which seemed to be disconnected. I had never been to his house before, so I had no idea if I was at the right house when all of a sudden he shows up at his front door, on his phone. Weird.
So we go inside and I give him a hug (he did give good hugs, definite bonus) and then we head downstairs to his basement/den/tv room setup.
I'm telling you, if I could have been in a relationship with his den, I would be a happy, happy woman. It was done cabin-style, with wood paneling that made me feel like I was in Denver, not some 70s movie. He had a projection screen set up with a comfy couch and to the right was a raised platform with a huge hot tub filled with pillows.
I was so distracted by the awesomeness that was my future den-bf that I didn't notice the array of goodies that NotGreeny had gotten me. Sitting on a little side table, in careful array, were the following items:
- 1 bouquet of multi colored tulips
- 1 magazine, featuring robots
- 1 gigantic box of chocolates
- 1 mini pack of homemade sushi
My heart sort of melted and I awkwardly said thank you and I sat on the edge of his couch while he set up a movie. He decided we'd watch "Blow," which I had never seen before. No more than 10 minutes into the movie, he decides to attack my face, full force. I kind of go with it for a few minutes, but as soon as he starts kneading one of my breasts like pizza dough, I tell him that I really want to watch the movie.
This happens two more times before I realize, oh hey yeah I need to go.
I grab the flowers and chocolate and bolt. I'm halfway to NotRVA when I get a text "hey you forgot your magazine and flowers, lolz." I ignore it and have a halfway decent time waxing poetic with people in a room holding too many pairs of leggings and just about the same number of neck scarves.
What happens next is when I start to get worried. A few days later I see that his Facebook page has a bit of activity. As in, he has changed his status to "In A Relationship." Surely, he's found someone else? I confront him about this and he goes "Yeah, well you know I wanted you to know that I wasn't interested in anyone else, that I just want to be with you."
I was at a loss for words. So I didn't respond right away. He continues, "So yeah you want me to "add" you?" I told him absolutely not and, in fact, I thought we were better suited as friends. This did not go over well and he proceeded to "ignore" me for the next week and instead show his emotions through Myspace bulletin posts and FB status changes.
Oh, for the love of technologically advanced Millenials.
A few weeks go by and we text a little bit here and there.
April came around and, since he's a graphic designer, I asked him if he would like to design the opening production credit for our budding movie company. He was more than stoked and so was I. I had seen some of his stuff and knew that he could handle what I had in mind.
Until he started talking payment. Keep in mind that the last time I had seen him was VALENTINE'S DAY.
"So when I'm finished, I'll take you out to dinner and then we can hang out at my place and watch movies. Then we'll go up to Great Falls and hang out and it'll be wonderful."
I then realized that the friendship thing probably wasn't going to work out. I was going to have to weigh anchor and let this poor boy sail on without any of NotCharlotte's "good graces" to help him along.
I didn't know what to do in order to get him off my back, so I consulted one of my best guy friends, NotItaliano. He suggested that I tell him I've met someone else. There's no denying the fact that telling NotGreeny I had started dating someone else would show him that I was no longer interested in him.
I decided to tell him this over IM. Our conversation went like this:
Me: NotGreeny, I have to tell you that I've met someone else.
Him: What?
Me: I'm sorry, but I told you awhile ago that we were just going to be friends and I can't have you thinking that we're something more.
Him: I can't handle this right now, I'm going to GameStop.

And that, my friends, is how my fauxlationship went with NotGreeny.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Gold digger

When the girl at my leasing office handed me the unmarked package, I giggled a little. I then slid the package under my arm and trotted off to play naughty Santa and deliver part of the contents to NotCarrie and NotSamantha.

Maybe giggling isn't the response a sophisticated woman would have. She might take the box upstairs and add its content to her growing collection. She would probably send a proper email to her girls letting them know the contents had arrived. I am not a sophisticated woman. I am girl who has never* owned a sex toy and thought the arrival of said toys was hilarious. I am not a one-at-a-time emotion kind of girl and was feeling nervous/excited/curious/adventurous. So, like any nervous/excited/curious/adventurous girl with a hilarious box in her hand, I needed share the moment with my compadres.

When I finally made it back home a few hours later, I took Gold Digger out of the package and set it on my coffee table. I'm pretty sure I cocked my head to the side as I eyed this smooth six-inch faux wang with a few gold studs at the base.

It has been a while since I have gotten some action, and I have found that on the nights when I get more sleep and can remember my dreams they have typically been about my obtaining said action from various guys. Despite my subconscious telling me I clearly had needs to fulfill, I approached my faux wang from a bit like a researcher approaches a stem cell.

Switching vibe speed appeared easy enough, since it just required slight movement of the base. Was I ready to test drive it? Hell, was I even in the mood after being so empirical? I will readily admit that the six inches scared me a bit. I probably made every guy's day who has an average weenie. The thing is, I learned that I don't need it supersized after my first visit to the gyno where they had to bust out the small contraption.

What did I learn from Gold Digger?

(1) Had my high school boyfriend and I actually had sex his nine-inch penis would have probably killed me;

(2) When used at high speed, all I could think about was whether my neighbors thought I bought a motorboat; and

(3) Maybe it should have been called the Silver Digger.

*The vibrating duck NotSamantha got me for my 29th birthday doesn't count. It's a duck!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

O!

When we were first presented with list of products from which to choose for review, I, for some reason, chose the Vibrating O Sleeve. I guess I like a challenge, eh?

While, unlike NotSamantha, I am not going to be giving out perky nipples for this product, but I will give some words of advice:

1. Do not get the product from your friend* while at work where just about anyone could see what is passing hands**. This could result in extreme embarrassment, a gnarly rumor, or tears from laughing so hard.
2. I would suggest using the Vibrating O Sleeve with someone you are very comfortable with. It's a tricky moment to introduce this in the bedroom without offending your mate. "Here honey, put this on your wang to make it longer! AND it widens the girth!" "Gee...thanks."
3. Also keep in mind that you might need to loosen him up a little bit before you suggest he put this on. While it's soft and durable, I can see how it would look like a painful contraption to some.
4. This is almost like a two in one product. No, three in one. You can use it alone, you can use it with him, or he can use it on you. Reow!
5. Did I mention the end vibrates on contact?


Best of luck,

NotCarrie



*The products were sent together, to NotMiranda, who then distributed them to us.
**Why does that sound so dirty?

Monday, June 23, 2008

Let's not and say we did?

Shortly after NotHarry and I stopped talking to each other, I started dating one of his friends, NotGreeny. He was younger than me (21 to my 24), an art student/graphic designer, and came from a rich family.
Who was I to argue when he asked me out?
Ignoring my friends' newfound nickname of "Cougar," I went to a diner with him, where we proceeded to have a pretty good time, laughing about mutual movie interests and music. He told me I was saved in his phone as the character I dressed as for Halloween and I thought it was endearing. He gave good hugs, opened doors for me, even let me order my food first. In all, it wasn't a bad date.
We made plans for a second meeting, this time he came over to my house, since I was having one of my traditional Wine & Board Game Nights. He arrived earlier than the other guests and we sat on my couch watching Freaks & Geeks and behaving like high schoolers. He did the whole "scoot an inch closer every time I coughed" move, then slowly grabbed for my hand. It felt cute and innocent. Then he finally went in for the kill.
He attacked my face like a seal does fish. He pretty much wrapped his entire mouth around mine, bordering on sealing my nostrils in his gaping maw, darting his tongue in and out of my mouth with the voracity of an out of sync metronome. After about 30 seconds of this, I backed away, telling him to slow it down a little. We went back to watching tv, me finding little ways to wipe the spittle off my face and him grinning at me like he thought I wanted it.
Soon after that, my friends arrived and I was relieved. We sat in my living room, playing our favorite games and having a good time. NotGreeny stands up and declares he is going to the convenience store for cigarettes and he would be back soon. We all sort of shrug and continue our intense round of Apples to Apples, not thinking much of it.
About 20 minutes later, he comes back in and sits down. A familiar, yet uninviting smell trails in with him and my close girl friend NotTypeA looks at me and mouths "Pot?"
Indeed, she was right. NotGreeny had decided to take it upon himself to sit in his car, in the middle of my stuck up, middle class neighborhood, and smoke up.
From this point on, my friends were pretty rude to him and I couldn't make eye contact with him. About an hour later, after much chiding from my buds that he couldn't even participate in the game because he was so stoned, he decided to leave. I walked him to the door and he apologized, saying my friends made him feel really uncomfortable. I told him they had every right to feel uncomfortable, he violated my trust and my values. He knew about my no tolerance policy when we were just friends, yet he was so concerned about his "well being" that he didn't think it would matter.
I went back to my party and we continued our game. I got a text from NotGreeny a little bit later saying "I'll quit smoking for you, that's how much you mean to me."
I guess I was feeling nice, so I gave him a second chance. In hindsight, maybe that wasn't such a good idea...

*to be continued*

Sunday, June 22, 2008

I deserve so much bigger...

Disclaimer: This post may cause a spit take, so mind your monitor while sipping your tea, coffee, etc. while reading.

As explained by NotMiranda, we girls have been given the opportunity to review products from the Babeland.com website. So this is my first review of the product that I chose to test.

I picked the Jollie dildo. And now another disclaimer: I'm a vibe girl, so take this with a huge grain of salt.

Now while I'm a self respecting size queen, I was willing to give the 4-inch insertable a try. When held backwards and upright, it resembles a loaded shotgun. And it was with tongue in cheek that I hoped it would go off (or at least get me off) with a minimum of fuss. It's made of medical grade silicone and comes in a myriad of colors and styles (Babeland only carried grape, so I wasn't able to see if the nubblies of the bubble one added and additional sensation to the product). I tried it out on two separate occasions.

If you remember from this blog, I have an extensive collection of porn and I like my movies, which means that at least one hand has to be free to do some walking when playing with a new toy. While the Jollie is easily insertable (eventually, I'd like to see how their lube holds up to what I have), and does hit all of the spots the map on the back of its container says it will, I felt it required more than one hand to get the full function of it. The 'easy-grip handle' is not easy to grip when coated with lube (and other liquidy things, of which I won't mention in detail) and the nubbies on the side that are for clit stimulation don't do much for me. However, the g-spot hump that's built into the Jollie makes it worth the work…somewhat.

I have to agree with one of the reviewers on the site that making it slightly longer (or much much longer in my case) would be a vast improvement to the Jollie…also a little vibrating action (otherwise known as the Vibrating Jollet) wouldn't go amiss. I give this toy a 3.5 out of 5 perky nipples for interesting design and the ability to mostly do what its designed for. I'll consider the vibrating version of this if I ever come back to the product.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

An adventurous new spirit

Sometimes certain things happen to you that just make you shake your head and laugh. It's usually these life experiences that I chalk up to being the makings of a good story.

Our life story here recently got more interesting when we were approached by the folks at Babeland about testing a few of their products. Don't get me wrong, we have been approached by a wide variety of outfits (mostly promoting DVDs or lingerie or new sex toys), and we have never before considered partnering or linking or promoting any of them. We're not here to make money or to sell anything, so there was never any appeal.

Babeland, however, was different. First, here was a company with a good social conscious that we could actually support. They are at the top of their game and actually care about their customers. Plus, we're not stupid. We really couldn't turn down free toys even though the very thought that anyone would think our opinions on this subject mattered cracked us up! Personally, I can't think of a better story for explaining a suddenly large sex toy collection.

Despite the laughter and the disbelief, we agreed. So, periodically you will start to see "reviews" of certain toys on this site. What you won't see is a traditional review. We really aren't trying to sell you anything and just figure we owe you an honest opinion about the latest merchandise in the form of our stories and shenanigans. If you happen to buy it, then more power to you.

Monday, June 16, 2008

If Only...

I would like for there to be a boy on my bed who would keep me up all night even though I have to be to work at 7am. Sleep is seriously overrated...at least for a night. That's the real reason to take a nap in the afternoon. Mmmmhmm.


But alas, I think I will be sleeping alone tonight. I'm probably never going to get any sleep once I don't have roommates, haha.

Night!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Its all about me...

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to have a go with two guys at once.

In fact, I think I'll make that my goal this year.


Sunday, June 08, 2008

The Best And Worst Of It

I keep getting invitations on Facebook to take those likeness quizzes, which are always about sex. Why is that, anyway?

It got me thinking, though. What is the worst thing to happen while having sex? Or, where is the best place to makeout? Or even, ways to get rid of a bad date.

So here are my thoughts on the matters at hand. Some are from the actual pages, but some I'm just saying on my own. And omg don't even try to think these things have necessarily happened to me. Please add your own thoughts in the comment section.

Worst Things To Happen While Having Sex:
  • Someone walks in (especially a relative).
  • Someone yells the wrong name (Just don't yell names, ok?)
  • Dog starts to hump, too. (This was on the FB one. OMG, I would die. That's disgusting.)
  • He turns out to be a she...or vice versa.
  • Someone has a gastrointestinal problem. (EW)
  • Fall off the bed and gets hurt.
  • Someone has to vomit.

Best Places To Makeout:

  • On a couch.
  • On a pier.
  • In a car.
  • Elevator
  • Pool/Ocean/Hot tub
  • Wait, where is it NOT good to makeout? As long as it's not excessively PDAish, right?

Ways To Get Rid Of A Bad Date:

  • Sick
  • Be honest
  • Change the clocks so it seems later.
  • Food poisoning

Ways To Be Turned On:

  • Slow, Intent Kissing
  • Porn (Not for this girl, though. No thank you.)
  • Back rub/Massage
  • Dirty Talk (This can so border on funny, though.)
  • Holding Hands
  • Alcohol

So...what do you have to add to the lists?

Friday, June 06, 2008

Get your flirt on...

I'm usually not one to flirt. Very unNotSamantha of me I know, but tonight when the last thing on my mind was flirting and showing interest in a guy I end up doing it anyway.

Work this week had been hell and all I wanted was a glass of wine, a good dinner and some great conversation with NotAMystic. Since work was shot and according to NAM I was in for at least another week of it, "because Mercury is in retrograde, take deep breathes and bear with it," when our waiter finally came by I upgraded my wine to a martini and decided that if for no other reason I would get some comfort food out of this meal.

An introduction of the special and a delivered martini later and I was ready to detox. Our waiter kept us both entertained and for me, intrigued. A rare sort who actually smiled with his whole face instead of the polite smile that those who work in the restaurant biz often have. And trust me when I say I'm no soft touch when it comes to service. I like my glass kept full, my waiter to be un-intrusive and my meal to be hot when it reaches my table. Outside of that, I don't have much else that needs to be taken care of.

Tonight's server, however, proved that it is possible to combine charisma with style and a mild dose of flirting and get something that appeals to this woman. Speaking of the waiter, he was a fine specimen. Tall, broad of shoulder, bright of smile and he even had glasses, I couldn't tell if he passed the other physical factor of lack of body hair, but in my mind's eye I pictured him without it. When I first rushed in he was there to actually adjust the table and even put my napkin in my lap, that was a first, so a raised eyebrow for that one. Throughout the meal and he came by and struck up not one but two conversations and asked more questions about me, than what kind of coffee I wanted with dessert. By the time I was leaving for the evening, he made sure to stop by and ask that I come back again soon. Now, I'm sure he's got tips to make (and boy did I tip him!), but I can catch a hint, even when its lobbed as lightly as his was.

So, if you can't find me next Friday, I'll be going back to my restaurant and getting a seat in his section, this time by myself to see if this same waiter/patron chemistry is real or just a figment of my man hungry imagination.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Second time's the charm...

I have returned. Life these past few months have been crazy. Both in good and bad ways, but in general I'm doing great. I've learned so much about myself and about who I want to be with, who I want my friends to be, even how I specifically like my coffee, that I felt it was time to come back and share some of my thoughts with you all again.

I'm no longer with NotHarry. I really don't want to talk about what happened between us. I think you all remember how I left this blog and that's one chapter that will remain closed.

That being said, I will share with you one of my new favorite "bad date" stories that I have endured the past few weeks:

Last Thursday I had the pleasure of a second date with NotPilot. We had met the previous Friday at Artomatic in dc and there was a little fizzling of chemistry, so the next obvious step was to meet again. He asked me out to dinner and I consented.
We met at one of my favorite restaurants and sat outside with some drinks. Conversation went okay, he alarmed me with a 15 minute rant about adoption, followed by a blatant disregard for my questioning his religious attendance to a Unitarian Church when he is a "fierce" Athiest. He then asked me what my favorite position was.
I replied "Moderate."
I ordered food, in hopes of at least getting a free meal out of this ordeal, and I thought things were getting a bit better because he seemed interested at my vast knowledge of flying, something of which he considers hinself an expert on.
Then it happened. I was happily enjoying my cheese & onion enchiladas and was telling him a story about my future puppy procurement when he interrupted me with "You've got some food on your cheek." Before I had time to react with my napkin, he licks his thumb (and I mean a full-on lick, tongue out of the mouth, if it was a cartoon I would have heard the SLURRRP) and WIPES THE MINISCULE AMOUNT OF SAUCE OFF OF MY CHEEK.
I stopped mid-sentence and sort of stared at him, wiping his thumb spit off of my cheek with my clean napkin.
"Sorry, I'm a touchy person," he said meekly, pushing his food around with his fork.
"Sorry, I wasn't expecting your spit on my face on the second date."

___
I needed that. It's good to be back.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Limiting factors

Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on our issues finally revealing themselves? I am the child of a divorce that left me essentially without a father. He split in the middle of the night when I was 5...didn't really visit...then died when I was 13. Yadda yadda yadda. I've been pretty up on most of the issues this has resulted in, but within the past year I have noticed yet another development.

I seem to have developed an interest in older men. I know this isn't all that unusual and that it's common for women to sometimes seek out their "father" in their dating life, but shouldn't this have manifested much earlier? To date, I have been more well known for my liaisons with younger men. However, within the past year, I have found myself flirting with men who have more silver hair on their head than not.

The latest manifestation of this has been my grandmother's occupational therapist. I met him last time I was in Texas and was immediately attracted to his sarcasm and motorcycle. I'm currently back in Texas for a two-week stint and was veritable wreck at my grandmother's therapy session today. I put on makeup (me...the girl who only wears makeup when she's going "out") and found myself giggling at his jokes. I would vacillate between this and trying not to focus on him because I felt so transparent. The true horror of the situation hit home when I heard my mom giggling along beside me.

Immediate thought: OMG. I am interested in the same guy my mom is.

Don't get me wrong. He's attractive...has tattoos...drives a Harley...is amazing with my grandmother...has amazing eyes. But (and this is a big 'but') he is also divorced and has a teenage son. He is definitely more in my mom's age ballpark than mine. Talk about a wake-up call.

Do I see myself changing? Probably not. I'm at a great age where both younger and older don't seem ridiculous. God, I love my early 30s. As long as they can keep up with me, then why not ;-)

Monday, June 02, 2008

Everything I know I learned from SATC…

This was going to be a post about my recent vacation, but then I realized that the with the movie of the series that gave this blog its claim to fame that maybe a post in honor of that would be better. Please note that some of the below could be a spoiler to you if you have not yet seen the new movie.

So of the many episodes of the show and finally the movie I've learned many things that I would like to impart here:

  1. Never underestimate the power of a really good martini.
  2. A good pair of 4 inch heels will never let you down.
  3. Breaking up via post-it note is frowned upon.
  4. If you keep bumping into him at places you go with your friends don't fight the fever, date him already.
  5. Don't let a lazy ovary and one nut get the best of your reproductive rights.
  6. Comparing your love life to chemo therapy is a sure sign its time to get out.
  7. Just because good things are happening to you doesn't mean you won't Poughkeepsie in your pants.
  8. Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, but friends who will help you pack up 18 years of your life are forever.

I've been blogging with three wonderful women and no matter our ups and downs we've managed to come full circle, so in our lives, this blog and wherever else we may go, that won't ever change.


Snoop

Cosmo had an article about snooping on your boyfriend. While I'm all about a spy mission, this bothered me LIKE WHOA! I am hoping they wrote the article in jest, but I am sure some women will be tearing out the pages to use as a guide. They suggested such things as looking in his cell phone and checking his email account as well as googling his prescription meds to see what his deal is.

Now, I have of course been an observant girl in my time and noticed things like, "Is there only 1 toothbrush?" and "Is there lipstick on that glass?" but I have never and will never snoop in a guy's email or go through his sock and underwear drawer. I think the second I do that, then it's free reign to look in mine and hell to the no do I not want that happening!

And whatever happened to trust? Sure, it will fuck you over sometimes, but I'd still rather not be a cynical human being. Bad move, Cosmo.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Between a mistake and a hard place

I ran into a mistake on Friday evening. As I was wandering through the exhibits at Artomatic with a group of friends and the current NotDarling, I caught my mistake strolling through my peripheral vision. The pace of my breathing increased, and my hands got all jittery and hyper. This was not the reaction of an excited girl, but rather the adrenalin of being faced with the inevitable. Despite it's size, Washington D.C. really is a small town, and mistakes can only be avoided for so long.

The mistake in question was a short, odd-looking fellow who fancied himself a mediocre photographer. He sought me out online via this blog (and I believe Flickr) and eventually took our relationship into weird text-sex territory. The burden is not entirely on my mistake. I readily went along for the exciting ride even though I knew he had a girlfriend, and even though I had begun dating someone else. He had a way with words, and I considered it harmless. Harmless turned into a few notes left in bookstores and the eventual discussion of when talk would end and action would replace it. After months of teasing, I decided to take my mistake up on his offer and meet him at his apartment for porn and sex. I have never before gone into a situation with only the basest of needs and no desire whatsoever to get to know or like the person I was meeting. Needless to say, this was not the makings of the best situation. To make a long story short, I did not fuck him. I think neither of us were what the other expected. We had each seen pictures, and I knew he was not what I would look for physically. However, the personality also did not match the person who had pursued me online either. The confident guy who talked of doing many, many things to me was really a shy giggler who would not shut up. He was overconfident in all the things he should not have been overconfident in. After about 30 minutes of listening to him, we both knew this was going nowhere. So, I left. Angry. The troops I had waiting in the wings swooped in for their extraction, and I learned a valuable lesson.

(1) This was not me. Not really. I felt guilt going in. I felt guilt while I was there. And, I felt guilt afterwards. (2) This was not the kind of guy I would ever associate with. It was just all a mistake.

All of my friends knew about the mistake, even NotDarling. Knowing I had told NotDarling about it, however, made Friday worse. There was no interaction between me and my mistake, but I knew NotDarling knew about it and was judging me. That, my friends, was hardest to take.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Totally Natural

I just can't write the salacious details I want...I'm sorry. I just can't. I guess mostly because the anonymity of this site is gone and while it's not my face accompanying these posts, it is no secret for some who I am and who the subjects of my posts would be about. And while I do share things with friends about my life, those aren't the only people who may read here. I would rather not give the details to those people I don't even like.

With that said...


The other night I was hanging out with two guy friends and before we commenced our beer drinking, they were playing music (guitar and drums). I enjoy watching people play even if it is difficult to not give my 'professional' opinion and want to jump in on an instrument of my own. It can be so eye opening to hang out with just guys sometimes, though. The testosterone that builds is so funny. Luckily, I am totally able to "be one of the guys" (while still being a lady and desirable, of course). I love to see them practically bump chests when they make a good joke, but then a split second later hold the door for me. Or how they give me the better beer or pour one of the darker ones into a glass so it will taste better. And meanwhile they're talking smack on the "dumb blonde" who works at the bar. I like that they can be themselves around me. I had a lot of guy friends in college and, while I love my chick friends, too, it's been nice to get closer to some guys lately.

But we'll never go shopping together. They just wouldn't understand!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sex and the City - The Movie

You knew we'd mention it eventually! With the movie right around the corner, it gives us all a chance to relive the fun and drama we experienced with the series. I, personally, am looking for any chance to drool over Chris Noth. Despite the name and premise of this blog, we are not some weird fanatics. The series just provided such great eye candy (hello...the city...the fashion...the men) and a chance have someone else act out and analyze our issues.

Anyway, on to more important things...parties. What better way to enjoy the show than with a cosmo? After noticing the Austin Alamo Drafthouse was showing the movie complete with the cosmo experience, I decided that we (the Not girls) needed to find the right DC experience. What did I find? Absolutely nothing. No bars, no alternative theaters...DC seems to care about nothing but the upcoming election. However, if you live just about anywhere else in the U.S., someone is looking out for you. Just check out the special SATC premiere parties happening across the country...
  • Party it up at Blu Sushi in Naples, Florida.
  • The Centaur Bar in Detroit, Michigan is even raffling off a pair of Manolos.
  • Bid on a pair of tickets to the NYC premiere. The proceeds benefit Oxfam (great organization, btw).
  • In Dallas, even the big D has a party.
  • Kansas City is celebrating Sex and the City passion party-style.
  • I have a feeling the place to be and be seen with be the NYC premiere party on the 27th. Radio City Music Hall and MoMA. Holla.
  • Columbus, Ohio is premiering the movie on the 27th and streaming the NYC premiere. Then head over the Bar of Modern Art on the 29t for a kickin' party.
So what are we doing? Well, I do believe we'll be settling into a nearby bar with cosmos and long islands prior to heading to the local midnight premiere. If you want to join us, drop a comment.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Share your love

Do you have a love story to share? Send yours to Camille Riley and participate in her latest project.

I don't know about you, but I love a good love story (but won't read your standard "romance" novel any longer). Also, want a bit of inspiration? Check out the amazing photography project called The Ones We Love. I'm trying to figure out what kind of portfolio I can put together, so they'll allow me to participate :-)

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Nice guy syndrome

I just got my knickers in such a twist at work that I had to take a break and rant about it. Excuse me while I get up on my soapbox.

(clears throat)

I am TIRED of nice guys and the nice guy excuse! The nice guy who won't make the first move seems to be all I'm surrounded by. I am even going to remove myself and the boys who enthrall me from the equation. Let me just talk about the boy friends that I have and the women who are smitten with them. When will these men learn that being nice isn't an excuse for a lack of balls? Yes, we understand that you're afraid of rejection and lack confidence just like women, but has this become a pandemic? Are men putting their foot down and refusing to make the first move, preferring to remain single and celebate (with the exception of their hand)? You know what...I could even accept that. Lay down the law and say you're tired of bearing all of the burden of the chase. However, don't say that the reason you're single and can never find a girl is because you are too nice. Perhaps the reason you're single is because you need to grow a pair.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Ho’s before bros?

I used to think of myself as a diehard girlfriend. Down for any type of adventure and always up for the new and exciting. Especially, when it came to hanging out with my girls. Lately, however, I've been feeling none to friendly and even less inclined to do the new and tingly things with anyone including my girls. While the Nots have been out doing things with each other, I've been doing my thing over here, and trying to jumpstart my non-existent social calendar. This did get me to thinking about friendships and girlfriends and boyfriends.

Where does your friend stand while you're getting into a relationship?

There's no pause button on a friendship. And often times you may want to establish yourself in the relationship with your person before introducing them around to friends and sometimes family. Do you need to vett the new entry into your life to make sure they're capable of handling their own? And while I wish this was my problem its not, I don't have a significant other I'm trying to work into my regular life. I just have a lot of questions about what to do when I do.

NS

Thursday, May 01, 2008

The living dead

Nah, we're not dead. Since we last left you, life has gone on. The girls persevere, and the stories get dished about over caffeine. I, personally, think the stories have gotten a lot more interesting. I'm hoping I get drunk and bored one night and write them all out here. A self-appointed, drunken historian.

I'm trying to get myself back in the hang of blogging here again, so pardon the brief synopsis. Life has been hectic. Boys have been only on my periphery lately as my mind has been occupied by my grandmother being really sick and finishing up a thesis.

I suppose this will have to suffice for a new beginning.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Seven Minutes...

BloggerNote - This should have hit the blog last night at midnight, but for whatever reason, Microsoft Word 2007 saw fit not to post it. Technology...even that's deciding not to cooperate for me today.

In less than seven minutes, it will be NotSkippy’s wedding day.
I discovered yesterday that he and NotIttyBittyTitty were tying the knot this weekend. At first I was shocked, then amused and now, after two glasses are very good wine and some time to mull it over, I’m contemplative. I’ve told several people about it and have got the coterie of pity glances and justified anger, none of which I’m sure what to do with. I’ve tried to reason out my feelings and I realized that no matter how I look at it, I’m equal parts sad and jealous. So what will the morning light bring me? I’m not sure, but I’ve had enough regrets in my life and I won’t add this to the short list of them.

Seven minutes

In less than seven minutes, it will be NotSkippy's wedding day.

I discovered yesterday that he and NotIttyBittyTitty were tying the knot this weekend. At first I was shocked, then amused and now, after two glasses are very good wine and some time to mull it over, I'm contemplative. I've told several people about it and have got the coterie of pity glances and justified anger, none of which I'm sure what to do with. I've tried to reason out my feelings and I realized that no matter how I look at it, I'm equal parts sad and jealous. So what will the morning light bring me? I'm not sure, but I've had enough regrets in my life and I won't add this to the short list of them.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Back on the Bike…

3…2…1…Happy New Year!

….

Okay, so I'm a few days late. Better late than never, right?

*crickets chirping*

And with that I'll just continue with my regularly (or irregularly) scheduled post.

I think I gave up on dating last year. No, let me be honest, it is the New Year after all (that's my story and I'm sticking to it), I gave up on interacting with anyone socially.

No seriously, I gave up on it. I stopped placing online ads on whatever site I found as a potential date. I avoided my friends (and sometimes even my family). I did the little cocoon thing, as much as I could, and even when I did 'go out' I had the vague feeling of being in a crowd and yet still felt alone, you know, the really after school special kind of depressed. And I've already determined that this year will not be more of the same. To that end, I went out with friends last Friday.

I got back on the bike, so to speak. And man was the ride hard.

I met up with the group at what seems to be our Irish pub. We had a table and I got there early enough to be horrified by the really bad Johnny Cash wannabe band. I took NotASong with me for moral support (and someone to talk to incase my verbal skills in a group failed me), and we ordered a round. By the time the Guinness had arrived and the first jokes about how much I love good head (on the Guinness you pervs), I was feeling more comfortable, but I felt like I could just as easily go home, and maybe stare at my computer screens some more; because really, nothing says fun like two widescreen views of computer perfection.

NotHirsute was there, along with NotBeast, NotMetal, NotDaisy and NotSuperboob (not to be confused with NotIttyBittyTitty) and after listening to the latest gossip, which I've apparently been out of the loop on I felt like I was catching back up.

For me this year is about balance and about not letting any one thing have total control over my life. And about getting some of that life. So we'll see how this ride goes. For right now it's not completely uphill, but it's turning out to be a steady climb.