Saturday, October 03, 2009

I’m notSamantha and I’m not in Kansas, anymore…

It's not often that I'm shaken and stirred when it comes to men. For the most part they're pretty simple: sex, food, companionship and the occasional sporting event/computer thing/political issue for fun. Well, NotAFreak is bucking my carefully crafted ideas, and I don't like it.

Not one little bit, which would explain why I'm still so attracted, right?

I know women want a man to get them, and I count myself among those women, but to get me so quickly is a little frightening. So is him managing to lay out my issues before I can give voice to them. Seriously, its enough to make me want to run for the hills…maybe.

I've been taking the advice route with this relationship (okay, I didn't stutter, falter or gag…maybe just a bit). NotMiranda and NotASong have weighed in with advice because according to them, I walk away (true), I'm mean (also true) and I let the men I've dated live down to my expectations. So this time, I'm keeping a positive outlook (or as positive and outlook as one as jaded as me can keep), I'm being open to the good things that can happen between us and I'm finding enjoyment in the things we do. All the while trying to keep my head about me. I'm exhausted just typing it all out.

I think it comes down to trust for me. I don't trust easily and letting someone inside that trust takes years. And the fact that NotAFreak keeps revealing truths about me that I haven't told him about, gives him sneaky pieces of my trust and I'm not happy about it. But maybe that's what has to happen. Because I fight my mind and my heart on just about everything, that the man who's going to have a hope of having any type of relationship with me is going to have to outsmart both to get a fair chance…and if they can untangle that Gordian knot, then maybe…just maybe.