Friday, September 30, 2005

Change is Good

I have gone from beautiful blonde to gorgeous brunette. I guess I'm challenging my Not character a bit more than I should be, but it has been fun so far.
It's nice to have a change. I've been blonde pretty much since birth, so this is a pretty radical change for me.

Only time will tell which haircolor is more fun...

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Hand Holding and Couplehood...

Every once in a while I get this yearning for attachment to someone. This week seems to be one of those times. I look around (meaning I see my roomies), both who are attached to interesting guys and wonder if there should be some sort of compromise in my favor for the sake of becoming a unit with someone...

Then I slap myself silly and return to my reality.

However, I would still like to have that someone I can curl up to in the cold months that are coming (because I hate the winter), hold hands with (again cold hands cold weather) and possibly take that latin dance class with (burn the floor baby, yeah!). Maybe I should invest in some sort of bed/sofa type space heater instead, and just go to the dance class and dance with the instructor...

Who's in a woe is me stupor about her lack of bf...not me *whistles*.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

21 Days At A Time

Every few weeks my voicemail alerts me that I have messages marked for deletion. So every few weeks I have to go through the messages I have saved and decide which to keep and which to get rid of.

There are a few I automatically save because they make me smile when I hear them:

NotGibbon calling to give me directions to meet up with him after he had moved far, far away and was back for a visit. I'm worried it's the last time I will hear his voice.

NotTownie returning a phone call after an adventurous night out on the town. He's so hot and his voice is sexy so the voice mail is a keeper.

NotCharmingMan is someone who leaves messages that make you feel as though you've just had a conversation. He, too, has moved far away now so I like to keep his voice around.

There is one saved voicemail that I never listen to but always save. If it starts and I listen for too long before I realize what it is I gasp and have to push "9" to save it and get the phone away from. It's a message that contains an almost incoherant declaration of love and it freaks me out. I listened to it over and over when I got it with my mouth wide open wondering what the hell had happened. I can't erase's like evidence or something.

Monday, September 26, 2005

The joys and agony of being alone...

I've recently decided that it may be time for me to get a place of my own...which is a bit shocking because I'm such a people person. However, this weekend just solidified it for me. I spent a very satisfying if remotely boring weekend with myself. No one to talk to, unless I called them, no one to laugh with, no one who I was beholden to at all.

I was completely on my own. Surprisingly enough the roomie, NotAfraidofCommitment was absent, for which I was greatful for and the new roomie (haven't come up with a "Not" name for her yet), was in her room, so this left me to my own devices which included catching up on reading, getting back into my weekend workouts and getting the normal stuff I used to do on Saturdays pre-NotSkippy.

However, with the highs there are also the lows, like the stupor I let myself sink into on Friday when I had no one to talk to. *bah*

Me, complicated? Who are you kidding.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Where have all the cowboys gone

Not that I necessarily need a cowboy, but seriously folks, I am a woman in need of some lovin'. You need to pick your mind up out of the gutter because I'm talking about all the other stuff that goes along with it. Now accepting applications.

Something I Must Tell You

I'm in a pickle.

How do you tell someone you like them (or would like to at least hang out with them) without having to face the potential of rejection, considering you see them every week in close quarters?

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Just Put Your Lips Together And...

I have always been fascinated by those moments in movies where the male and female lead each move in at the same time for that perfect kiss. I know its "make believe" but it is difficult to remember that when faced with moments of my own when I want that perfect moment. Earlier tonight I had the perfect opportunity and as my mind started daydreaming past the moment of reality I imagined how great it would be. My mind works in amazing ways and the mundane get not only fireworks but perfect musical accompaniment and all camera angles are perfect.
The moment passed quickly and I had to snap back to reality and get on my way but for that moment, when my "make believe" took over, it was perfect.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

No Phone, No Phone I Just Want To Be...

I keep hesitating to pick up the phone.

I want to talk to someone but I can't decide who. And I'm afraid that I'm trying to mix two needs into one and the result of this could just further complicate everything that is going on. I know this is all very ambigious which is also part of the problem. I think what I want is someone I trust fully and I can just talk to. Not worry about what I am saying or how it makes me look as a person, whether I am selfish or petty or a worrier (which I totally am).

So I haven't picked up the phone because I know if I do it will be horrible and then I'll just feel worse or like I bothered someone. I hate to feel like I bothered someone.

Monday, September 19, 2005

I need to stop.

So you guys know all about my little ordeal with NotVegas.
I've been really proud of myself because lately, I haven't been thinking too much of him. Until today.
I was looking at a former friends' photos online and I came across a familiar face... well it was a body actually. It was him. Driving. In the car that I had been accustomed to riding in for so many months.
What I saw in the picture matters not. It's the feeling in my body that I've felt before.
You know that feeling you get when you see someone you really like, a little fluttery feeling? You get kinda shivery?
Well, I got that feeling, but in a bad way. It's hard to explain. It's like the devil incarnate of the butterfly feeling. My heart started beating faster and my face got all hot, but then the memories starting flowing and my heart starts to burn and I'm ashamed...

Do you know that feeling? It's the worst. It's the feeling of wanting something you know you can't have.

That you shouldn't have.

But that you still want.

Time Out

When I am tired I get frustrated and when I get frustrated I tend to make rash decisions. Luckily for me and those around me, my rash decisions usually don't last. However, today I have so far decided to quit my second job, to move to another city, and to focus my 'crush' energies elsewhere, etc. I don't know why I do this, make such big decisions so quickly. Nothing really happened to ignite these thoughts I'm having. It's not like there is some new problem at work or things are going differently in other areas of my life.

It's my third area that I'm questioning that is occupying the most of my thought-time. I need to figure out if this falls under my "rash decision" category or if it's something that needs to be considered. I just don't know. "It's complicated" has been uttered by me so often lately.

It's common advice to wait 30 minute after eating to swim, to wait 20 minutes after a meal to feel full, and to wait 15 minutes after trying on pants to really tell if they fit or not. Such trivial advice can be applied to other things too...just wait a little bit to see if that decision is right-if it fits.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Clothing makes the woman...

I'm a big believer in clothing...and shoes, definately shoes. And I love getting new clothing and pairing them with great shoes and then going out with my friends...

Hence this post.

What gives us that euphoric feeling of rightness in our world when we cut the tags off of a new pair of pants, remove the sticker from that new pair of shoes and slide them over hips, over heels and smooth them across thighs, etc?

For me its always been the complete look and given my body issues if the look doesn't come together totally I'm wrecked for the rest of the day. Clotheshorse you call me, probably, but I prefer my other alter ego, Shoe Whore.

But what about you? Does that new outfit give you the tingles, does putting together just the right accessory with the right outfit send you into orbit, come on dish about it...We can be clothing fiends together.

Speaking of...ladies of Friday night, heels or chunky? you know the drill...

And the red cami may make an appearance on friday as opposed to saving it for Saturday, but we shall see.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

A Hint Of The Future I Hope

I got to hold hands today. Well, sort of. I love fingers and hands and forearms and holding them and being in posession of them. There is something so amazing about that kind of extremely innocent human contact that feels so good. It's a's's secure. It's not some drunk guy trying to grope you or get their hands somewhere you don't want them. It's welcome and calm and warm. I love how they fit together...hands, that is.


Note to Self:

Do not watch girly movies (especially if they involve Matthew Maconeghey (whatever the spelling)) if you are:

1. single
2. horny
3. drinking cheap white wine that "tastes" like strawberries
4. there is chocolate involved

The end result is NotMiranda and I lamenting over not having a man (like him) to cuddle with.

This coming Friday had BETTER be fruitful.

Friday, September 09, 2005

When opportunity knocks...

I'm just a series of missed opportunities when it comes to men. Last night is a prime example. NotaDancer asked me what he was doing Friday night (in reference to someone else asking about their Friday night work schedule). After looking at the schedule and seeing that he was off I responded with, "I don't know. What are you doing?" No, no, no! It hit me too late that I could have been so much more creative. I could have (1) invited him to hang with us or (2) answered that he was taking me out. Not that either of those would have guaranteed a positive response, but they at least had a bit of sass to them.

Thursday, September 08, 2005


Out of Sight, Out of Mind???


Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder....


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Part of me wishes I could go back to how I was before, when I kept more to myself. In high school it would have taken the end of the world and then some to get me to admit I had a crush on someone. Hold on, let me reminisce for a moment about my high school and college crushes:

NotActor: I was in the pit orchestra for a musical and the lead was this amazingly hot guy whom I lusted after for months. I even talked to him once-asked if he had seen a necklace my friend lost. I did admit to liking him but only because my friends confirmed his hotness first. I had this plan to get a ride home from him one day.

NotTexan: One of the older guys in Band. He was so cute until he got mono and came back to school skinny and wearing cowboy boots. I remember "flirting" with him as a freshman and getting him to teach me how to play perididdles.

NotMike: NotMike was like the God to high school. He was hot, charming, nice, talented, and not an ass. I think most every girl had a crush on him at some point. I was friends with him and even had a good friend date him-and have her heart broken by him. I sometimes try to find him online in hopes of reconnecting or at least finding out if he's not married with 2 kids and has a beer gut.

In college it took a few years for me to feel comfortable confiding in friends about guys I was in like with. Actually, I don't think there really was anyone those first 2 years who struck me as someone to pursue. But junior out!

NotGibbon: I don't know why I liked him so much. I was enamored with him, I couldn't eat around him because the butterflies in my stomach were trying to kill me. It was torturous to have to keep it quiet while a close friend attempted to make her crush into something more and then when he ended up dating the girl people called his soulmate. They didn't last but their relationship, from the snippets I gathered, was deep but also tumultuous. I had to tell people I liked him, it was to the point where it was obvious. A good friend set up a deadline for me to tell him but it came and went and I didn't stop loving him until even after college.

NotChris: NotChris was almost like a project, a challenge. He was charming and there. He's a good friend and a good guy but my time of being in like with him was almost out of boredom, I admit it.

NotDiesel: He and my good friend used to sleep together so having a crush on him was always kind of weird. But it couldn't be helped and I had no problem with people knowing because he's hot.

NotPunk: It was also a little awkward having a crush on NotPunk because my roommate did, too. He was another cute charmer but he also happened to be in a lot of my classes and liked the same music I did. He was adorable.

So that brings us to now...(roughly) and back to my original thought of not revealing as much about myself. I'm not even sure of the direction I want to take this thought and I'm not sure why I started talking about. I guess that lately I've been getting paranoid about certain people knowing things. It's not so much that I think they are going to use their knowledge against me or in a bad way but maybe it's an issue of control? I also like to keep things to myself as a guard against the future and things that could happen. Avoiding embarassing or awkward situations is high on my list of things to do.

I'm going to end there as I had no theme at all...just me, rambling.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A Century of Fakers

So I was inadvertently turned down last night. It sort of pissed me off. I was talking to NotKnight and he was talking to me about dates and relationships and he kept alluding to the fact that he wanted to ask me out... he even asked me what my "dream date" was and that I needed to be taken out on a romantic date since I haven't had one in awhile.

Later on in the conversation, he admits to me that he has a date with someone on Friday. And that he's "enamoured" of her.
Then he tries to redeem himself by saying "But that's the only thing stopping me from asking you out."

I HATE GAMES! That is one of the easiest ways to get on my bad side.

I had to think about it more today and I realized that I honestly am mad at this situation. So I quit it. Even if he comes "running" back I'm going to take NotMiranda's advice and play hard to get... in this case "never gonna get me."

Men suck sometimes.

Jealous Guy

I hate leading someone down a certain path, then later deciding that same path makes me uncomfortable. Those are decisions that are hard to retract.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Bigmouth Strikes Again

The flirting has increased tenfold with the myspace guy...NotKnight. I think he's going to ask me out soon and I don't know what to do. I've never met him in person and am nervous about doing so. But I think that he's an honestly good guy and we have great conversation... CONUNDRUM!
What should I do?
This online shit is always sketchy, in my opinion, but what if I'm giving up on something good?
It would certainly be a checkmark.

*Le Sigh*

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Not Fitting in on either side...

I went out tonight. With NotSkippy and his and my mutual friend NotALawyerYet. It was interesting. We met up for dinner and then her friend invited some of her friends and we headed to Adams Morgan. For those of you non-DC people, that's an area of Washington where all the clubs are.

From there we prceeded to hit one bar and start on another before we realized how late it was. As I was making my way back to the train with NotSkippy and NotALawyerYet I realized one thing...I hate the bar scene. I hate the pick up, have to be flirty and flip your hair (if you are so inclined), smile dazzling, even when you're pissy drunk mindset that I saw in the vast majority of women there. I had not been dressed to impress, in fact I wore the same pair of jeans I had worn to work this morning, a pink t-shirt and sneakers. I was going for comfy, and did I feel intimidated by the bevy of the perfect female form betcha.

Which got me to thinking about my self perception versus the societal norm of the female body. I would love to believe that I am totally immune to such displays, but I am not. With each passing of someone smaller than me I think about how that person sees me and do they see what I see projected each time I look on?

Alas, to this question I don't have an answer, in all honestly I'm not sure I want one, because if the answer I'm seeking is not likely to be the one I get.

Thursday, September 01, 2005


I'm not sure what to do.

It is impossible to ignore and forget certain emotions. I'm also afraid that if I push them aside for awhile and give myself, and others, a break that things will change. I'm worried that any change will occur in the wrong direction and then everything will be lost.

Damn that double edged sword.

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