Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Part of me wishes I could go back to how I was before, when I kept more to myself. In high school it would have taken the end of the world and then some to get me to admit I had a crush on someone. Hold on, let me reminisce for a moment about my high school and college crushes:

NotActor: I was in the pit orchestra for a musical and the lead was this amazingly hot guy whom I lusted after for months. I even talked to him once-asked if he had seen a necklace my friend lost. I did admit to liking him but only because my friends confirmed his hotness first. I had this plan to get a ride home from him one day.

NotTexan: One of the older guys in Band. He was so cute until he got mono and came back to school skinny and wearing cowboy boots. I remember "flirting" with him as a freshman and getting him to teach me how to play perididdles.

NotMike: NotMike was like the God to high school. He was hot, charming, nice, talented, and not an ass. I think most every girl had a crush on him at some point. I was friends with him and even had a good friend date him-and have her heart broken by him. I sometimes try to find him online in hopes of reconnecting or at least finding out if he's not married with 2 kids and has a beer gut.

In college it took a few years for me to feel comfortable confiding in friends about guys I was in like with. Actually, I don't think there really was anyone those first 2 years who struck me as someone to pursue. But junior out!

NotGibbon: I don't know why I liked him so much. I was enamored with him, I couldn't eat around him because the butterflies in my stomach were trying to kill me. It was torturous to have to keep it quiet while a close friend attempted to make her crush into something more and then when he ended up dating the girl people called his soulmate. They didn't last but their relationship, from the snippets I gathered, was deep but also tumultuous. I had to tell people I liked him, it was to the point where it was obvious. A good friend set up a deadline for me to tell him but it came and went and I didn't stop loving him until even after college.

NotChris: NotChris was almost like a project, a challenge. He was charming and there. He's a good friend and a good guy but my time of being in like with him was almost out of boredom, I admit it.

NotDiesel: He and my good friend used to sleep together so having a crush on him was always kind of weird. But it couldn't be helped and I had no problem with people knowing because he's hot.

NotPunk: It was also a little awkward having a crush on NotPunk because my roommate did, too. He was another cute charmer but he also happened to be in a lot of my classes and liked the same music I did. He was adorable.

So that brings us to now...(roughly) and back to my original thought of not revealing as much about myself. I'm not even sure of the direction I want to take this thought and I'm not sure why I started talking about. I guess that lately I've been getting paranoid about certain people knowing things. It's not so much that I think they are going to use their knowledge against me or in a bad way but maybe it's an issue of control? I also like to keep things to myself as a guard against the future and things that could happen. Avoiding embarassing or awkward situations is high on my list of things to do.

I'm going to end there as I had no theme at all...just me, rambling.


NotMiranda said...

Hmmm. I like this post, but I have to admit I find it odd in a way. I know of 2 people you've shared certain "information of this nature" with lately that I definitely wouldn't have thought you'd share before.

Sharing is such a double-edged sword ( earlier NotCarrie post) because it involves putting faith and trust in others that they won't hurt you with that information and stab you in the back. In general, I guess I come out on the side of sharing because I have to have hope in the good of people.

I'm also what you call a "slow drip" sharer. I can't let it all out at once but have to slowly let pieces of information and clues leak out until the "full" story emerges.

NotCarrie said...

Hmm, I know the one person I shared with but that was sort of accidental because I was put on the spot...who is the other?

NotCarrie said...

A lot of sharing something like that (being in like) is to get confirmation of things I think are going on. I might notice something but if someone else does too then it's more likely to be truth.

Example: I could think someone was flirting with me but if you think the same thing then it's not just something I may have imagined.

NotMiranda said...

Understandable. Again, I wind up on the pro-sharing end.