Thursday, May 03, 2007

Af-KEG-istan

Over the weekend the Nots and I helped everyone celebrate their 21st birthdays all over again. There was a keg, of Yuengling hereby known as "Das Keg."
We only drank about half of it because the party ended early. Because, well, we were hammered. There were keg stands, Never Have I Evers, robot cupcakes, and lots of crazy flirting going on.
But I digress.
What does one do with half a keg? Specifically, half a keg that has been sitting in one of our friends' living rooms since Saturday night, with the tap still in it?

That's right kids, you drink it.

A select number of individuals came to my house last night in order to "Kick the Keg." NotCarrie, me, NotGraceful, NotCurly, and a new person, NotVeryMature (who was invited simply because she had retrieved said keg) sat on my deck, feet on the bucket holding the keg and played games like Chug the Jug, Flip Cup, and Beer Pong. The beer was slightly flat, but still tasted alright, especially once it was chilled enough. The sky darkened early, especially for 7pm, when we started on Das Keg. It was 9pm when we were drunk off our asses, smoking 15 cigarettes at a time and taking inappropriate pictures. At a certain point in the evening, NotVeryMature decided to start throwing up everywhere and spent the rest of the evening either in my bathroom or leaning over the balcony, spewing her brains out. Lightweight.

Beer drunk is completely different, in my opinion, than liquor drunk. I got a buzz a helluva lot faster than when I drink my staple rum & coke and it seems to stay with me a lot longer. As the pictures proved, our inhibitions ran rampant as we viewed photos of pantless, boxer-clad skinny boys, massively close group hugs, and artsy shots of Das Keg at varying angles and exposures.

I wish I could say the rest of the evening was uneventful, but it wasn't. Most everyone left around midnight and after shoving the empty keg into NotVeryMature's car and saying goodbye to everyone, I found myself across the street, walking my dog and having a very interesting phone conversation with NotGraceful. After going to his house and having NotVM follow him home, he calls me and for the next 15 minutes we discuss reasons as to why he should come over.
He finally does, after saying "You'd better be ready to do whatever I want..." pretty much like he does every time.
This, of course, excites me in my drunken stupor and I try not to fall asleep while I wait for him to come over.
He finally does and we make idle chatter in my basement, watching random reality television, then he turns to me, pulls me on top of him and proceeds to...
I'll leave details out, but it was good and I was satisfied (and we didn't bone). I backed off of him and see that he's still ready for something good so I help him out a little manually.
This appears to upset him, so I ask what he wants me to do. He sputters the word "mouth" and I start to balk. I associate oral sex with "taking it to the next level," aka "being more intimate than laying vertical on a couch with the lights on."
He notices this. Proceeds to get perturbed.
He then goes on a tangent, spouting out sentences that really made me glad I hadn't gone for it. He says things that include "you're so young" and "what do you want, a relationship?" and my personal favorite, "I guess this makes me an asshole then, huh?"
This was all said with half closed eyes, still laying on the couch, pants unzipped and belt on the floor.
All I can do is shake my head at him. He gets up, gathers his belongings, and pretty much storms out of my house.
Leaving his guitar. If any of you have a use for an acoustic guitar missing the top string, let me know. Or, if you have any good ideas as to how I could dispose of it, let me know as well.

I know some of you are like "jeez, finally NotCharlotte, you learned your lesson!"
I think my Not ladies understand my predicament, and why I kept coming back to him for late night rendezvous. Hell, I had even made out with him on NotCurly's deck the weekend before.

But no more! I need to stop analyzing it over and over again and just drop it. I would say I'd do the "out of sight, out of mind" thing, however we both hang out with the same people and the next few weeks provide plenty of opportunity for interpersonal exchanges that involve alcohol, getting drunk, and celebrating graduations.

I think the only way to resolve this is for me to get really drunk and punch him.

22 comments:

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Sounds like a fun night alhtogh I am sorry he was such a jerk - you can always sell the guitar on ebay for a dollar and send him the money...

LMNt said...

I hate to say this, but most guys view "manual assistance" as something they can do themselves, and probably can do better than someone who doesn't own the equipment. I mean, this guy was obviously a dick about it and that's pretty wrong, but very few men actually want a handjob.

Desiree said...

Sorry he was a jerk... ugh. I like the punching idea. DO IT! ;)

Cody said...

Strings are cheap, and I would totally pay for shipping.

Chuckles said...

Consent is more important that a lot of people will admit. You did not consent and he got pissed off. The dude is clearly a cobag and does not understand consent.

The Diva's Thoughts said...

He sounds like a piece of work.

CarmenSinCity said...

What a dick. I hate it when guys don't get their own way and then try to guilt you into it and then get pissed and leave. Fuck him.

Johnny said...

You coulda said...

YOU'RE FIRED!!!

And done the Donald Trump hand snake thing.

:p

Roxy said...

haha one of my friends was in a fraternity that made T-shirts with the line "We get bombed more than the Taliban," and it depicted kegs bombing their frat house.

As for the guy. You pretty much made it clear what you have to do... so now just do it.

Pele said...

I'm a fan of looking to others for an example.

Look to Jimi Hendrix for what to do with that guitar and send him the video.

Then look to the header of my blog for what to do with him. A pair of steel toed workboots should be purchased for the occasion.

I'd discuss my thoughs on sex and making out with random people and such, but my experience in that department can be fit on a postage stamp... Large print edition.

allan said...

I have a wood chipper, just the right size for a guitar :)

Senor Beavis said...

This sounds awfully familiar. Like I've heard this before. I have to say I totally believe you that you won't roll over for this guy the next time he calls.

That said, any guy or girl that can't deal with the line being drawn can go fuck themselves. Literally.

NotCharlotte said...

Princess: ebay, oh how I love ebay

lmnt: but it's all we've ever done before... and he didn't mind it then.

desiree: i'm seriously tempted to, especially after what he said this weekend.

cody: let me think about it

chuckles: I still prefer d-bag

diva: that he is.

carmen: my thoughts exactly!

johnny: but then that would have made my hand too close and he would've gotten excited.

roxy: i want that shirt!

pele: thanks for our offline conversation about this :-)

allan: hmmmm.

senor: i have to believe that you forgot to put the word "don't" somewhere in that first paragraph, else it wouldn't suit your character.

Anonymous said...

What did you expect when a guy comes over to your house late night fueled by alcohol....especially when he was straight forward about his intentions before arriving. He doesnt need you to give him a handjob when he can do it 100000 times better than any girl. Stop acting like a middle schooler....he was right grow up!

NotCharlotte said...

Anonymous: I surely hope that middle schoolers aren't giving people hand jobs!
Next time maybe show yourself, take responsibility for YOUR actions.

Chuckles said...

It's a little thing called consent and just because someone expects something doesn't mean that you are required to give it. Even if he made his intentions clear before hand, that doesn't mean NotCharlotte was required to follow them.

Consent is very different from compulsion. That is usually called rape.

NotCarrie said...

I love beer.


Note: I didn't name NVM!

Pele said...

RE: Middle school hand jobs...

Noq quite. I think I got my first handjob in 10th grade.

Over ten years later and it still feels weird to have someone else doing my work.



Then again, asking for a blowjob also doesn't seem like a good idea.
Something about teeth and soft skin don't go together... The second girl with braces sealed the deal for me. Never again.

Senor Beavis said...

NChar, I was being sarcastic, so the "don't" was implied. :)

One doesn't "owe" anyone anything. Maybe it's because I'm repressed, but people should feel lucky for whatever they "get." A friend once told me that if she invites a guy to her place, it automatically means sex because she's scared of how he'd react if she didn't deliver. If true, then that's a fucked up society we live in.

It's also a fucked up circle y'all run in if this guy's your prize. In the Beavis household, he's known as NotNotADouchebag. I HIGHLY recommend expanding your borders, which you seem to occasionally try to do before crawling back to this jackass. I give you a hard time about this because I know you can do better and you know it too. Consider it tough love from the Midwest.

Tbone said...

I think you walked into this one...but he was a jerk about it. He is the one that should grow up.

Anonymous said...

You all should grow up. The person who mentioned rape took it way too far. Notcharlotte is an idiot and should stop her whining/bitching and leave that guy alone obviously he just wants sex from her and nothing more...a warm place to put his dick. Although what would readers be able to comment on without all the melodrama in her life. All I said is what did she expect....that's she's going to bake him some cupcakes and that's all he wants.
PS: Saddly enough I know middle schoolers who are having sex (and one might be pregnant)....kids are growing up fast these days.

Chuckles said...

Anonymous, you need to learn a lot about relations with other people and women in particular. Your first comment, if that was you and judging by the attitude and style I would bet it was, said that she should do whatever is asked of her because this asshead made his intentions clear at the start. That is seriously fucked up.

Second of all, the asshead tried to guilt her into doing something she did NOT want to do by pitching a fit. This is a bullshit ploy pulled by people that want to get whatever they want, regardless of the feelings of the other person in the situation. Emotional manipulation like this is just a different form of compulsion and compulsion with regards to sex is a more than just an "oh grow up" matter.