Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Get Naked...or Free my Mind?

Recently, the thoughts of vulnerability and the ability to reveal all (ie get naked) have come up. I've been thinking about how I hold a part of myself back, even here on the blog where I feel that I am free to cut loose about any and everything that I wish to discuss either in relationships or in my personal life.

One of the reasons I don't reveal much of myself is the vulnerability that feel with each revelation and the trust I have to bestow upon those that I'm revealing myself to, and in cyberspace that's any and everyone who cares to peruse this blog. I don't know anyone who's that trusting. I know I'm not, but if I take this blog in the manner in which I mean for it to be received which is the muddling through of what is on my mind, then I think I'll be fine.

I've always prided myself in accepting people as they present themselves to me, I try to have no preconcieved notions about how they should act in regards to who they are, but I'm human and when I can I recognize what I've done and try my best to correct it, but it doesn't always work.

When I apply this same idea to relationships, I realize that for me this is a big part of why I'm probably not in one. I accept people, but I'm usually not willing to trust them, for years, I've held fast to the idea that if I ever married, I would already own my home and it would remain in my name throughout the marriage. For my married friends that I've shared this with, I'm usually met with a "why" and then a "don't you trust him" and my response is always "I trust him, but I don't trust him to not do me wrong". This question of trust is what trips me up in just about every relationship I've had (and they are few and far between because I often don't let them develop into a full relationship).

I don't assure myself of the fact that they will meet any of my expectations, this way I can keep myself from being disappointed when they don't meet my goals. My own protective shell if you will. The people who I've seen in relationships that are truly happy, have that glow of acceptance, trust and belief in their partner.

I can't help thinking that I won't be able to find that person to trust completely, and for me that's the saddest thing of all, and is part of the reason I can't get naked in a relationship, because even when stripping down physically to do the horizontal tango, I still keep my mental barriers up. I don't expect that person to be what I want because I don't have any expectations because I don't trust them at all and if I don't have anything that I'm searching for then I won't be disappointed, right?


married_guy_blogging said...

I think if/when you meet the right person, you'll find that trust. But you have to be ready to let go, and willing to risk getting hurt. It's a big risk, but the payoff is worth it. Having "just in case he screws me over" in the back of your mind is only going to sabotage any good chances you may have...

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

I think loving someone IS taking that risk to trust them completely, even though we all know someone else could hurt us.

Maybe since I'm all drama it's easy for me to give my all and put things out there on the line. Because even if I trust and I get hurt, it's still all worth it to me.

Vixen said...

I'm with Laurie on this one. you have to let go of the fear. The fear of being disappointed is holding you back.

I think it's easy to say but hard to do. I'm as cynical and jaded as the next girl, but even when I feel like there is no way to ever trust a guy, I meet one that shatters that illusion.

So hang in there. it's not as bad as it seems.

jo said...

i totally feel you on this.

i've always sorta kept to my own counsel. and even more so recently. and i don't think anyone really knows the full story of me 'coz i don't really trust anyone to disclose that much. and that's what blogs are for. and even then, i hold back.

but i would love to find someone that i trust. a guy who i know i can trust every word he says and trust that he will be there for me. apparently so far that isn't working out too well... and i try not to have expectations 'coz when you don't have expectations, there's a lesser height to fall from. but then again i'm hoping to be proven wrong...

Spyder said...

I unfortunatly have the complete opposite problem. I trust uncondtionly. which is equally tough on the heart. people will always tell you that you " just have to risk it " I dont believe that. someone will eventaully do something unexpected and without your knowledge, and you'll have no choice but to trust them. the other thing i wanted to say is more of a question. if you are holding back? is it us you dont trust, or is it you, that you dont trust?