I'm a Sex Spy, baby.

Over the past few months, I've found myself falling into a new line of work...a sex spy. No, not a voyeur who likes to watch others get it on but a daring diva sent in to gain access to privileged information of the opposite sex. As a secret agent of sex, I am often forced to endure compromising positions and a few too many cocktails to get information from my sources.

I'm fresh from my recent mission...a tall, dark-haired bloke named NotJason. I was to gain background information NotJason's experience with the ladies and ascertain the likelihood of a NotJason-NotCarrie or NotJason-NotCharlotte pairing. I decided to case the subject during my work break and tried to subtly engage him in conversation. By subtle, I mean I took NotSamantha's advice and broached the subject of geometry and shapes, trying to get a feel for how he felt about triangles...blonde sides...brunette sides. Useless. Completely useless. We circled each other, all the while being interrupted by customers and a call from NotCarrie. Finally, NotaManager settled in for a friendly chat evidently mistaking my mission for a serious personal crush on NotJason. Men...will they ever get a clue?

Break over and still no closer to an answer, I headed to the nearest to schedule an after-work rendeveaux with the subject to gain access to privileged information. We ended up hopping in my car after closing (starting the rumor mill, I'm sure) and headed to an ATM. After warming up in the front seat of my Volkswagen, I finally acquired the information needed. Turns out analogies were completely lost on NotJason, and he asked for bluntness. Uh oh...a NotMiranda specialty that can get her into trouble. Unsure of my boundaries but aware that information was desperately sought, I went with the direct approach. I inquired how NotJason felt about NotCharlotte and NotCarrie's interest in him. NotJason was surprised...turns out he's pretty naive and oblivious (as he admitted) and never considered the fact that NotCharlotte or NotCarrie could be interested in him. *Note to those who hired me: I did my best to describe said interest in moderate terms...no stalking...love crushes...just nice guy-cute-could be interested in exploring something more kind of stuff. Basically, NotJason doesn't have time for anything more and wouldn't feel right "choosing" one or the other because of the friendship they all have. He admitted to always thinking about the negative 'what ifs' in these kinds of situations, too. The subject is a smart guy who asked me what my "report back" would be...never been asked that before and appreciated the directness. We proceeded to discuss what I would pass along to the ladies. NotJason was very cool about the whole thing and not at all weirded out...he just doesn't have time for a thing.

On a side note, NotJason wanted to make sure I had all the information I needed, so I joking inquired about his sexual past and his knowledge of the 'dirty sanchez'. We both turned red and got a good giggle out of this. He wouldn't elaborate, but told me a story to make me feel better. Evidently, he dated a girl a couple of years ago who started quizing him on his feelings about sex on the 2nd date...totally shocked and weirded him out. I asked if this was the last date, and he said they dated 3 months...when asked to elaborate he demured.

The sex spy business is hard.