Cherry Stems

I just told NotCharlotte that I am going to stand around tomorrow night tying cherries stems into knots using only my tongue so the guys in the room know I mean midnight business. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a prude bitch who isn't into the New Years lip-locking festivities because I so am.

I most certainly do not believe in the silly belief that the midnight kiss determines one's luck in love for the next year, but I do believe in the awkwardness that can be created when it seems like everyone else has paired up. I hate that. And really, it's never happened that everyone around me has paired up and I'm left standing there in what I wish would turn into quick sand to swallow me up. Although, if I'm looking on the bright side of things, which I am, I could say that there are two things in this world that I love: champagne and kissing and if I can't be guaranteed the one, I'm going to go all out with the other. Bubbly for me...yes, have some.


Have a super fantastic New Years!!!!

Muddying the waters

I don't even really know where to begin. I could begin at the beginning, but that could take awhile and time is not on my side. Soon, my pretties. Right now...a preview. I'm traveling across the southwest with a man my mother is afraid I'm boning. She has little to worry about because clarity has finally been achieved in what was once muddy waters. There will be no boning on this trip. No kissing, no spooning, no cuddling. I was ok with this until I looked at his back last night in bed. Right then I just wanted someone's arms around me, telling me it would be ok.

Frankie Says Relax

If you are anything like me, you are anxiously awaiting the start of our auction, and I promise you, it's coming! Actually it's coming up pretty quickly so calm down on the after-Christmas sales so you'll have the dinero ready to bid on some of the awesome guys we have for you chicas out there. Right now the Nots are all still busy with family and friends and our many jobs. I have a feeling that New Years Eve will inspire a post from all of us and after that it will be time for the auction so, keep checking back in and we'll get the details out asap.

In the meantine, what are your NYE plans? I'm still unsure of mine and right now I'm on the fence with going out and not drinking at all so I can get home or planning to spend the night out. If there is one thing I am absolutely sure of, it's that I'm not drinking a drop if I plan on getting in a car to drive. The cops are going to be out in full force that night and with other crazies on the road, it will be essential to be uber-alert. Now, with that in mind, I'm still sure to have a grand evening with friends so no worries there. What are you guys going to be up to?

Poppin Fresh

Recently, I have acquired a new job at a bakery. I absolutely love it because it not only gives me baking experience for when I own my own bakery one day, but this new place of employment has a plethora of hot men.
I have decided to find me a bakery boyfriend. I have a few in mind already and have already started to make my move. The bakery manager is a 26 year old tall drink of hottness and every chance I get, I make witty comments and flash a patented "notcharlotte smile" his way. Sadly, I have to go by facial features only, as our pure white uniforms do nothing for the female figure. During the times I realize that boning/flirting with managers is a big no-no, I mosey on over to the bread section, where the biggest concentration of highly attractive males lies. I work at 5am and there's nothing like sleepily stumbling over to the men kneading the big balls of dough and asking them to get something for me that's "just too high for me to get."
I think I've started roping a couple in. Just the other day, I was invited into an interesting conversation about music and its' relationship to emotions as I was making my way to the freezer.
Just call me the bakery whore. I just hope I can recognize who's who when I see them without their uniforms on...

Do any of you have work "boyfriends/girlfriends?" Doesn't it make work a slight bit more bearable?

Visions Of Sugarplums Were So Not Dancing In My Head

Last night, while everyone else was dreaming of sugarplums and Sandy Claws, I was having one helluva dream about the most unlikely person. Without reading into who this dream was about (don't even ask), I must comment on how perfect it was plot-wise. I had a level of comfort in the dream that is something I think most of us are looking for. Even though I am now getting some of the details blurred, I remember he and I going on a short trip and taking opportunities when they arose to steal kisses. It was so sweet. I woke up feeling a little bad about having such a dream on Christmas Eve, when I should have been dreaming about what I would find in my stocking and under the tree, or really, I guess, about peace on Earth and good will to men, right? Ha!

And I know I'm being a bit secretive about who I was dreaming about, but it left me seriously perplexed when I woke up. 1) While I used to have a crush on this person, I no longer do, nor have I in awhile. 2) He's not the type to be in a situation that involves "sweet kisses."

I left the dream dictionary alone on this one and instead went about my day having a very merry Christmas and spending time with the family. I hope you had a good one, too.

This Charming Man

I went out the other night to meet up with my college friend, NotCharming, and some other people I know through him. I always look forward to nights out with him because he really does live up to his name as he is one of the most charming people I know. He's the type of guy who will know everyone in the room, but you still feel like you're his #1 there.

We have an interesting history. It's gone from barely knowing each other, to me having a weird, big crush on him (during college), to use flirting incessantly, to him asking me to bone, to us becoming good friends. He lives out of the state now, so I don't get as much of his charming personality as I would like, but I always make sure to meet up when he is home for holidays.

The other night was weird, though, at karoake. His ex-girlfriend was there and I got the feeling he's still into her. She was cute and all, but she was one of those Professional Karoake-ers-you know who I mean. The ones who sing with vibrato, do dance moves, and always choose the songs that will best showcase their 'voices', ha! The one time I did karoake, I sang Bootylicious in a redneck bar in the southside of Richmond. It was God-awful and as soon as the song was done, I set down the microphone and left the bar.

I, surprisingly, have never kissed NotCharming. In the almost seven years I have known him, I can't believe this fact. There's just something in the stars that always puts some weird clause on us when we're hanging out even though the flirting has gotten pretty crazy at times. I'm not saying I want to or expect to ever have something with him, it's just weird nothing has ever happened. He's a good friend, though, and I am glad for that.

The nitty gritty

Alright, boys and girls. I know you've been waiting with bated breath to find out a few more details about our upcoming charity auction. I've included some of the basics below, and as we build out the auction site*, we'll continue to feed you more information and do our best to keep you jazzed. Also, if any of you boys out there still want to volunteer for the auction, it's not to late. Just like Uncle Sam, we need YOU!

What: The Not Girls Charity Auction

Charity: V-Day

When: January 11-13, 2007

Items up for bid: 19 men (12 DC-metro area, 1 LA, 1 SF, 1 Atl, 1 Chicago, 1 UK, 1 NYC, 1 AR)

Ladies, it's quite a nice selection we've amassed, so start saving now!


*Special shout out to one of our guys being auctioned who is building it for us! Yay!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

There have only been a few times that I have been the subject of some salacious gossip. The time the rumor went around that I was found in the downstairs part of a bar with another girl's boyfriend who had his pants down*, the time everyone was talking about what I was or was not doing with NotRoger after parties at his brother's place, and the time my guy friends wouldn't believe that I had not had sex with their friend after giving him a ride home.

It's weird, though, because never have I been in a social circle that gossiped so damn much as the one I am a part of now. I, admittedly and thankfully, provide very little of the info that gets passed around, but I sometimes wonder if it's a sign I'm turning into an old fogie or am just a boring prude. It would be hypocritical of me to say I would never hook up with someone at one of these parties I seem to never be able to go to, but I cringe sometimes when I hear the stories of the night before. It makes me glad to have spend the same night sober and with no one's tongue but my own in my mouth. Is it a phase I outgrew? Is it a sign I'm just looking for more than random kisses? I'm not sure, but until I figure it all out, I'm going to continue staying OFF the gossip radar. What I do is no one's business but my own...and you guys, of course.



*We only madeout and I had NO idea he had a girlfriend I swear to Allah. All pants remained ON the entire time.

Neologism at its best

A lot of good shit has been going down in my "no sex"life, but since I'm still not sure which end is up, I will defer to a topic that I have been enlightened of while hanging out with my college friends.

Through one of my closer college buddies, NotHarley, I have gotten to know NotKidA. She's a cute 21 year old with short, short hair and a confidence problem. She and her boyfriend of several years recently broke up and she's been after another of our mutual friends, NotBYU. He's a sweetheart and completely clueless about her wanting him.

Last week, we all went to a pub and as I watched the two of them interact, I got the feeling that he just wasn't that into her. Sure, they sat together and she teased him the entire night, he bought her beer, but his attention wasn't fully being paid to her. As my friend said, "He doesn't like her as much as she deserves.

So our evening ends and everyone leaves, except for the two of them. I don't think much of it, but when I talk to NotHarley later, she tells me the two of them (NotKidA and NotBYU) boned.
This sort of shocks me, mostly because I don't know either of them that well and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
NotHarley then goes on to tell me that NotKidA is probably on another one of her Trampages (pronounced like rampage, but with a t in front of it). I look at her quizically and NotHarley tells me that NotKidA, in her freshman year at NotHarvard, slept with pretty much every guy she came across. In other words, a Trampage. I became completely enamoured of this new word and wondered if she was the only one who had come across it. Then at breakfast one morning, I heard another one of my close college friends, NotShortie, use it as well. "So you two didn't bone, even after hanging out for 6 hours and him cooking dinner for you?" "Oh no way, that was before my Trampage."

I have not been on a Trampage yet... but I feel, especially with recent events, that I could be bordering on one. Have any of you been on a Trampage before? I guess for men it would be called a... Manage? hahaha.

What Makes It A Date?

Have you ever gone out with someone of the opposite sex* and not been sure if it was a date or not? Now, this hasn’t happened to me recently (as far as I know), but recent events got me thinking about it. My friends and I tease all the time about an evening being a date if someone pays for the other or if the male and female sit on the same side of the table. Obviously, these are ludicrous qualifiers for what makes it a date, but what does make it a date?

It’s not exactly customary to request one’s company by saying, “Would you like to spend an evening with me? I have romantic intentions for you.” Sure, it would make for a less ambiguous time, but invitations just don’t go like that. At least, none that I have received. A male friend of mine recently was invited out by a woman and was unsure if the night out was one of old friends or one where a goodnight kiss was expected and hoped for. How was he to have known? Yeah, there are signs to be seen during the evening, like positive body language or eyefucking**, but it’s not always obvious when the question is posed.

I wrote once about going on a non-date with my guy friend and how, from the outside, it looked like we were on a real date. We both knew, though, that we were just hanging out. Another time, years ago, a guy friend of mine invited me out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Looking back, I should have known better, but he told me that he had a coupon and needed to use it by its expiration date. Does this sound like a date invitation to you? The night really is material for a blog in itself, but the evening that I thought was just about friends taking advantage of using a coupon turned into him trying to stroke the back of my neck and convince me to come inside.

Whoa, awkward.

So how does a person know when it’s a date and when it’s just two people hanging out as friends? One thing I do know (get ready for shameless plug) is that all dates won in our CHARITY AUCTION (see button in the sidebar to the right), will be properly clarified before they happen.


*Or same sex, if you swing that way.
**I stole that from the lovely Barmaid.

C'mon boys...

I know these are boring posts, and you want details of nights of debauchery. However, this week we're going to be all about the NPR-style of telethoning.

What are we asking for? Ah, how short your memory is. We need single, male volunteers for our charity auction.

Who does it benefit? V-Day, the global organization fighting violence against women. I would also argue it benefits our male volunteers, allowing them to give of themselves, and our potential female bidders, allowing them to also give and buy a date!

Read the original post here, and email notmiranda@gmail.com to volunteer for the auction.

Stay tuned for more details!

Budget Bidding

While planning for this auction, I have noticed myself daydreaming about spending all of my money on bids and then traveling around the country going on dates with our male volunteers. I know I was there the day we learned about sharing in Kindergarten, but it’s going to be difficult to remember how to do it once the auction has begun and I am presented with so many attractive choices. I can’t give out many details just yet (they’re coming, though), but, like I said, it’s going to be difficult to hold back. Maybe I should make a budget before the bidding starts.


And guys? We’re still accepting volunteers…It’s for a great cause!

Sprung

Sitting down in front of my computer was a dangerous idea on a Saturday night. Rather than working on that proposal my boss was waiting on, I found myself catching up on blogs I love reading. Of course, if my evening had stopped there, then it wouldn't merit a post here. Instead, I dreamt of wireless signals for people far away. Sprung. Googling sprung, I discover I sometimes meet the definition.
Something else I discovered I'm sprung on tonight...Studio 60 on Sunset Strip. Forget that kiss (you know the one I mean). I'm talking about the "speech"...

"I've been married twice before, and I'm a recovering cocaine addict and I know that's no woman's dream of a man or of a father. Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand, but you'd better get a good head start because I'm coming for you, Jordan."

That is how you tell a woman you want her. Danny Trip** stole my heart tonight.

**Studio 60, folks. Keep up.

'Tis the Season

The holiday season is supposed to be one of giving, helping those less fortunate. Well, the girls here at NSATC have decided that we, too, would like to give this holiday season. It is in the spirit of Christmahanukwanzaakah that the Not girls ask for your help. How so? We are in the process of organizing a charity auction in which the items to be auctioned off are dates with all of those hott, single male readers (commenters and noncommenters alike). One thing we've gathered in blogging here is that there are a lot of single men and women out there just trying to figure out how to hook up*. What better way to spread love, introduce you all to new people and raise money for charity than to hold an auction?! Guys...this is where your help comes in. We need all you single, male readers out there to volunteer to be put up on the auction block. Think of all of the benefits of selling yourself like a piece of meat: (1) giving to a good cause; (2) the opportunity to meet a potentially cool girl; and (3) an ego boost when bids go high. All you need to do is send me an email at notmiranda@gmail.com and provide the following information:

*indicate your willingness to participate
*city/state where you are located
*name
*blog (if applicable)
*photo

You have until December 15th to volunteer! And, ladies, don't think we've forgotten about you. We will post details soon about how the auction will work and how you can get a look at the eligible dates. Just know that we're working hard to bring you the best and have a few surprises up our sleeve. We've currently got our fingers crossed that a certain, hot celebrity blogger will participate ; )


*i.e., meet someone...not "hook up".

Vicky's Secret

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is on with none other than the HOTT Justin Timberlake. I would be watching anyway, even if Mr. JT wasn't on because lingerie is fashion, too, and it's fun to see what they come up with for these shows. It's basically knickers and bras for an hour, but you can't help but be amazed at the designs. And it's not about hott women being half nekkid (unless you're male?), it's about creativity and, like I said, fashion, and just seeing gorgeous designs. Maybe I'm alone in enjoying the fashion show in a non-sexual way...or really, I guess we could call it research, eh? Maybe one day I'll have a mate who has a weird Alice In Wonderland fetish and I'll say, "OH! Victoria's Secret has just the thing!"

The Lube

I don't know what it is, and maybe it's the uniforms and grease, but some of the guys who work at Jiffy Lube are so hott. I went on Friday and thought I had found the mecca of hott Jiffy Lube guys. One was so cute he made me a little nervous to talk to. "Have you rotated your tires?"

Did he just ask to rotate my "tires"?


Instead, I said, "Tires? Ummm, Huh? I...I don't know. I should know."

But after I explained that I wanted just the basics because I'm poor (and charming and single), he followed me back into the office to talk. And talk we did for about ten minutes while the other guys worked on my car. I'm not going to analyze the conversation because it was so short, but I definitely will be headed back to that same Jiffy Lube in 3,000 miles.

Lack of Backbone...Ballbuster Women and Milquetoast Men

Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about backbones and the relationships between men and women. What does one have to do with the other...? Well lots if you're having some of the conversations I've been having lately with my girlfriends. Despite have a degree in Women’s Studies I still don’t seem any closer to figuring out the roles of men and women in society. First, the thing about backbones…I’ve been noticing, both through experiences of my own and those of others, that most of the guys I'm/we're meeting are seriously lacking in that department. Whether it is an unwillingness to get pens as NotCarrie called it or simply not being able to say/ask/demand what they want; in short men are starting to fail me. However, when I take a look at what pop culture has spewed out I realize that society, in general hasn’t helped.

Case in point, I was channel surfing, something that I rarely do, because I'm fed up with the drivel they serve up as tv, but on this particular day I had decided to make a concerted effort to find something different than what I normally watched. I landed oddly enough on one of my faves from about 7 - 10 years ago, "Boy Meets World". Unfortunately, it was at the point when the slow was doing its descent into hell because they had taken it beyond high school, into the college years, but I digress.

Cory and Topanga, were having dinner at some frou frou restaurant and trying to show, his best friend (can't remember, nor do I care about this kid's name) and his new wannabe girlfriend (could care less about her name) how happy they were as a couple. As with most sitcoms what they did was show how not to be a couple in love, with Topanga losing her temper with said milquetoast boyfriend because she can't even remember why they are at this restaurant. She proceeds to yell at him, then growl (grrr) at the head waiter when he timidly requests, (another milquetoast), that she keep her yelling to a dull roar. When she questions why Cory isn't getting angry at her because of she is yelling at him, what does he do? He lets out a roar that was befitting of his cowed status...(grrr). The longer I watched the more I started thinking about the life of this show...Topanga ruled over Cory...always. He didn't have any definite opinions (that I remember), or make any decisions. He went to her school because that's where she went, he did everything for her, totally devoted himself to her and in my opinion, lost the right to his man card, or rather gave it to her along with a strap-on to hit just the right spot as she screwed him...over and over. On the other side she never deferred to him for anything and had few if any apologies, in fact the only time I believe I saw her let him take the lead is when he proposed...and I think she even took that away somewhat by turning him down and then later proposing to him (I've considered looking at this series again, but have decided my mind couldn't take it).

This is one small example of what I'm trying to get across. Where do the roles that we would like to play out as men and women take a back seat to what society has told us we should be expecting? I'm not saying that women shouldn't expect to get equal treatment. I'm not saying that men shouldn't treat women like equals. What I am saying is when are we going to let each other off the hook for acting like a girl and a boy? For doing the things that, for lack of a better word, come instinctively? I have female friends who can't cook and are proud of it, but I love to cook and love having people eat my cooking...does that make me less of a strong woman because of that? Likewise, I have male friends who are handy with the tools, which I am not so and will gladly let them come repair anything I manage to break in my home. But, would they even think of pushing the envelope a little with me if they liked me...probably not, because they've been told that they can't just kiss a woman because they want to. Instead they have to do some sort of ritualistic dance of the dinner and movie variety before getting around some sort of bases and then one more sports metaphor and they're in...

So where does that leave me...besides looking for a chiropractor, you mean? Not sure, but I think I've come to my bottom line. I want a guy who's willing to fight for the opportunity to love me, because I'm going to do the same. I want a guy who has got enough balls to approach me and not go whimpering into a corner when I give him attitude. Either rework you approach and try again or tell me what you think about my rebuff, you might be surprised. And ladies, if you're a ballbuster (and I know many of us are), take off the brass knuckles every once in while, we may be in for a surprise.

Hell, we're always underestimating each other anyway.

Meet Me In The Backseat

I'm driving a rental car for a few days and last night I noticed the backseat is HUGE! Not in a "Hey, maybe if you put your left leg out the window and I rotate to the right we'll be fine" way, but in a far less scandalous, observational way. In fact, all of my backseat experience has been of the non-scandalous kind now that I think about it.



So I have this car for a few days and while the thought of "This Is Not My Car And Who Knows Who Or What Has Been In The Backseat" has been constant on my mind, I'm also very intrigued by its spaciousness. The timing is a bit off as I have to return it on Thursday and I'm busy from now until then. (Not that kind of busy.) I've already proposed the idea to one male friend who politely declined and proceeded to make me laugh with his suggestion of who I should ask. I will not be taking his suggestion and I have a feeling Enterprise will get their car back with flower intact.

Because I can

Every now and then it dawns on you (and frustrates you) just how useful it would be to have a man around. This past week was spent housesitting for our very own NotCharlotte while she flirted her way through Wisconsin casinos. As I was getting ready one morning, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye and was horrified to spy a mammoth spider. I don't do well with normal bugs, but when a large brown recluse-like spider is involved, I become a stupid girl through and through. Without making any sudden moves, I grabbed my things and backed out of the bathroom. I did try to kill it with the lid of a hamper but only succeeded in pissing it off. So, I did what any rational girl would do. I turned off the light, closed the bathroom door and shoved a sheet along the sill to "trap" it. The second or third thing to pop in my head was how nice it would be to have a man around to yell at to come kill the spider (or at least trap and release). Sigh. Instead, I did what any spider fearing girl would do. I got NotGraceful to stop by later that night to kill the spider in the bathroom. The damned spider, of course, was never heard from again.

Coal to Diamonds

So I'm in Wisconsin again for Thanksgiving. I had another good run-in with the Grambo, which I will go into detail as soon as I can wrap my head around it.
My family likes to go to the casino. It's hereditary because my Grandmother and all of her children like to do it.
So we took a "family outing" to the local gambler's paradise to do some bonding. Within the first 20 minutes I had already strayed from the herd and was tapping away my 20 bucks, 40 pennies at a time. I was mid-spin when the machine went blank and then a bunch of techy code came across the screen with the words "call attendant" at the very top. I didn't think that my $17.67 was anywhere close to a jackpot, so I pressed the buttons, all of them, and none of them worked.

*sigh*
my little ticket, my gambling money, was stuck in that machine and I couldn't leave because I was by myself. So I sat there for a minute. Then I saw a tall guy with a gray polo shirt on and a walkie talkie so I asked him for some help. He told me that he was on his way to another machine but he'd be right back. So I sit back down and try to look like I just won a shitload of money, that's why I'm not spending more. 5 minutes later two more tall, wholesome, corn-fed hunks of men in the same kind of gray polos come by. "We heard your machine was stuck."
I couldn't help myself. I put my hand on my hip and gave them a NotCharlotte special with my eyes and proceeded to act like a helpless doe in the brambles. The men proceeded to stumble over each other, stooges-style, trying to fix my machine. While one started banging on the side really hard to get it to restart (they do things real advanced up in the Great Lakes area), the other one took the opportunity to chat me up. We were animatedly talking about the pot luck they were having in the back room when the first guy that helped me shows up. He comes into the conversation too and we're really getting into it, talking about pumpkin pie and turkey. Then another guy shows up, with a button up instead, obviously a manager. He asks me how I'm doing and then joins right into the conversation.
So let's recap:
3 men in gray polos
1 man in a button up shirt
4 of us talking about food
1 banging the crap out of a penny machine
20 machines around the one that the guy is banging on

At one point, a woman in a blazer/nametag combo comes by and goes "wow, how many of you need to be here right now?"
This caused a shuffle of red-faced Dockers-wearing employees as 2 of the men disappeared. At this point the machine was never going to work so the manager signed off on something and the one banging the machine went and got me cash for my ticket.

I thanked all of them and went on my way.

When I later told this story to my G-Ma and Aunt, they thought it was really amusing. My Aunt then explained: "It's hunting season. The stags are all in a tizzy about the does running around, ripe for mating so it gets the men all riled up too. This time a year, men are only after two things: Deer and Women. Go anywhere in a tight sweater and you've got them wrapped around your finger."

I then realized why she is not my favorite aunt.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone is having a lovely Thanksgiving...unless you're not in the US of A, then I hope you had a great Thursday!

I didn't think I would have anything NSATC related to write about today, but I sorta do! My family went out to a restaurant for our meal which was cool...especially since there were no dishes to wash. There were tons of fine, young gentlemen there, too, and had I not been stuffing my face enjoying everything offered to me, I would have been more into it. Not that I often try to pick up guys while with my family or anything, but it never hurts to flirt, right? Maybe not on Thanksgiving. What would my pick-up line be? "Hey baby, I'm on my third helping of mashed potatoes....you?"

Happy T Day!!!!

Why NotCarrie Would Be A Good Girlfriend;)

I guess what sparked me to think of this is that I saw this girl I know who is really annoying and I recently found out she's married. Not knowing her husband, I can only hope he is equally annoying because is it fair for an annoying person to take a non-annoying person from the dating pool? No...The answer is no.

Anyway, so I am not annoying. Not annoying would go on the list of "Why NotCarrie Would Be A Good Girlfriend" so, in honor of that, I figured I'd let you know the other things as well.

Why NotCarrie Would Be A Good Girlfriend:

• Not annoying.
  
• You, as my beau, would not be subjected to a lot of NotCarrie family functions or general crap and uncomfortableness. I am quite private about my social life when it comes to my family and you would benefit from this.
  
• I'm not an expensive date. Not only do I pay for myself, but I don't expect my expensive taste to be satisfied. What I'm saying is that I like the best things in life, but if I can't buy them myself then I don't really expect them. Make sense?
• We can make out...a lot.
  
• I like many different things: sports, music, tv/movies, traveling, puzzles, sleeping, etc.
  
• I like my alone time so I'm definitely not a smotherer.
• I'm not a big phone person. If you want to call and talk then I'm a good listener, but I don't expect or like to have big phone conversations every night or anything. That being said, I do appreciate an email or text here and there to know you're alive.
  
• I don't get sick. That means we can make out more.
  
• I don't smoke.
• I do drink. But not excessively. Neither lush nor straightedge. And I don't drink those frou frou girly drinks.
  
• When I like someone, I'm extra generous.
  
• I make good pies.
  

Of course this is all in good fun. It's fun to make a "Why I Rule" list every once in awhile:) Oh, and I left off things like, "I'm hott" and "I use good smelling shampoo" because those are things that you can judge for yourself. Oh, and also, I reserve the right to add to this list whenever I want to. Consider it on going.

Willing To Tutor

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

Are You a Good Kisser?

No Type

After NotCharlotte's most recent post about the types of guys she is attracted to, I couldn't help but think about it myself. Part of me just wanted to take the opportunity to post pictures of celebrities I find incredibly hott, but then I realized that while I do find them attractive, there hasn't really been a trend in my own (lack of) love life concerning looks. In fact, I've sort of been all over the place and can't think of any common feature except that they've all been taller than me. I can't Katie Holmes it just yet with a mate who is several inches shorter than I am. I guess I'm still carrying around some senstivity from elementary school when I was only shorter than maybe one or two of the guys.

Note: I am not that tall now. I feel the need to clarify this. I was taller than other kids my age when younger, but that's because those stupid boys were taking forever to hit puberty.

So...a type? Do I have a type? Part of me thinks I maybe don't have a type right now because the dating pool has been dried up as of late. Beggers can't be choosers. Wait...that's a horrible saying for this blog! I'm not begging for anything. I'm just hoping for a little fun:) (Soon!)

Celebrity Skin

I think I have a type. Whether I like it or not, I seem to be attracted to the same type of men... Celebrity lookalikes.

Fall of 2004: There was a new guy that started at the bookstore that I was instantly attracted to. Maybe it was his dark-rimmed glasses or the fact that he was getting his MFA in Poetry, but I don't think so. It was because he looked like Ben Gibbard.
The resemblance was uncanny, though I didn't put two and two together until he had found Steadier Footing at a different job. I still occasionally see him on campus and I just smile at the thought of him bouncing around the stage to Sound of Settling.

Winter of 2004: Again, at the bookstore. We got a winter hire that I had never seen before, but he looked so familiar. It wasn't until I had a few conversations with him about both music and comics that I realized he was my Seth Cohen.
This resemblance again was uncanny. So bad that I even went and found a magazine with a picture of darling Adam Brody in it to show this fine young character. Unfortunately, my findings were unoriginal and he soon left our happy bookstore family to pursue calmer waters.

Spring of 2006: Guess where this one happened? You guessed it... the bookstore. NotElvis, whom I know you guys have heard me talk about.
His NotName does justice to his appearance. He bears a striking resemblance to Elvis, pre-fat years. I never told him this and in fact, I don't think I ever will. We still chat on occasion, but I rarely see him, so unfortunately it's "out of sight, out of mind" in the case of my peanut butter and banana sandwich loving compadre.

My new and current attraction is also a celebirty lookalike, however I'm not quite ready yet to divulge anything about him. I do ask the Nots to please respect my wishes and not reveal his identity... for now. ;-)

So in conclusion:
1. I am attracted to hott men, obviously.
2. I tend to like dark hair and height.
3. They must work or have worked at a bookstore.
4. Musical tastes are important to me.
5. If you wear glasses, it's an added bonus.

Tick Tock

I could have sworn this guy was looking at me during class tonight. Every time my gaze went in his direction his eyes were locked my way. This surprised me as he and I have never interacted and really, I thought that if he were interested in anyone then it would be the girly girl he always sits next to. But there was no denying the direction he was looking. Thank goodness I didn’t try to give him eyes or anything since about halfway through class I realized I was sitting under the clock…

Million ways to be cruel

Earlier this week I was pondering a hiatus from this blog, but how I hate the melodrama of all of those "breaks" and "hiatuses". I'm in an I don't know place with a who knows person and just want to be respectful of that relationship* but also want to be able to speak honestly and from my heart here. Let's start off lightly, shall we?

Remember NotGeorge? Well, he was in town for a series of interviews last weekend, and we wound up hanging out quite a bit. He actually got to meet all of the Nots and some other Not characters! I'll have to make sure to pinky swear him to secrecy ; ) Anyway, this post is really spurred by comment he made while sitting on the couch on Sunday. Perhaps a little detail leading up to this is necessary.

Evidently, previous comments I have made on this site and in personal conversation seem to have given me a bit of a reputation. You'll recall I admitted to being a little intrigued by a spanking episode with NotDarling. There was also my clarion call for the beastly man. I may have even admitted to wanting to get a little rough. And, if you were at NotSamatha's house for my birthday party on Saturday night and had witnessed my drunken quest for the flogger, you would probably be more than a little afraid (*blush*). All of this leads to NotGeorge's comments of Sunday afternoon. I know I'm going to get the exact wording wrong, so I'm just going to paraphrase. Basically, he made reference to my dominatrix tendencies, seemingly desire to play into a desire for pain, and something to the effect that I had the potential to hurt him.

This begs for clarification**! I am not a dominatrix. Please. The truth of the matter is that I want to be dominated just as much as I want to dominate. I have no desire to inflict real pain and am no fan of pain myself. My previous comments all come out of a desire to play...to struggle. I wouldn't mind a little wrestling, some chase. It's more the kid in me than the vicious bitch. ; )


*Friendships are also relationships, so don't get your knickers in a twist.
**I had to clarify somewhere because I just don't know if NotGeorge got that or really thought I wanted to tie him up and beat him.

4am Seems Like A Good Sign, No?

My hair reeks of smoke. It's making me a little sick, actually. I'm too tired, though, from getting home at 4am to take a shower yet. Yeah, 4am. On a Thursday night. I seriously fought old-age last night and ended up having a really good time.

NotMiranda asked how it went and I answered, "Good! Not 'making out on the bar' good, but good!" The place we went to was playing Fast Paced Bingo so once that started at midnight, I was in uber-competitive mode so any flirting I did was before my quest to win. (Oh, and I did not. Win, that is.) I made A LOT of eyes which was fun and I practiced holding my gaze with hott guys who passed by. I think, though, it was probably appearing as though I was with the guy sitting next to me. Sure, we were sitting kind of close and he was helping me with the game, but he's perhaps spoken for...

Moving on! I know my eyes worked with at least one of my recipients, though, because he gave us a free appetizer and brought over our food order which is unheard of for those guys. Mmmhmmm! (And if it's not obvious, this guy works at the place. My eyes aren't good enough to get fellow customers to serve my food...yet. I'm working on it.)

All in all a very nice night and what I hope is the start to a great weekend!

Thirsty Thursday

I'm headed out on a Thursday. It's like I'm in college again, haha! I'll do my ABSOLUTE best to come back with stories...holy hell do I need them.

Adding Fish Back To The Sea

In what is already old news, there's been another guy added to the potential dating pool, ladies. Britney's dumping KFed to the curb and saying adios to his rapping ass. I tried to be supportive while the rest of the world was booing him and their relationship, but now that's it is official, I can say that I'm glad to have hott Britney back.

I've already predicted that he will soon be dating Tara Reid, but keep in mind single NSATC readers that he will soon be available. And apparently, as long as you're fertile, he'll be interested! Go for it, but be sure to report back and let us know how life with The Federmeister goes.

She Sends Kisses

Kissing should be a sport. In honor of football season, I have decided to make it more relatable to the people that don't play/watch/care about football (me included).

I was thinking about this the other day as I went through my head all the times when I could have won many a competition based solely upon my lips touching skin of the male persuasion.

I mean honestly, there are so many reasons why this is comparable to football:
1. There's bodily contact. Granted, there are no pileups (unless you were us, last weekend, however not all at once mind you) and the only marks you get are from over-exuberant sucky noises and one or two bite/whip marks (whichever you prefer).
2. Physical stamina is required. Making out for long periods of time probably burns the same amount of calories as kicking a field goal.
3. Kissing has quarters, or Halftime. You start kissing, it goes further, you stop to catch your breath, then you continue on until the end of the play.
4. If we were to score kissing, it would be broken down into three significant parts:
a. "Touchdown," or as I'd like to call it, SCORE! This may sound like an obvious one, however several factors come into play here. There's technique of the score. The time it took to reach this score (long or short, actually depends on the type of competition- quick or slow...). And there's also the level of difficulty in movements, which though it sounds like gymnastics, is not. There are moves in football (i'm sure of it), so there can be moves in Kissing.
b. "Field Goal," which consists of creative ways that the end goal is reached. Anything besides penetration (yes, I said penetration. I'm tempted to use other, more graphic words to describe things but in all honesty I'm tired and I have to make this fairly PG so it's easy to transcribe to the Olympic Committee)
c. "Safety." There can also be defensive scores given in Kissing rounds. Hands pushed back by feet could cause an uproar in the stands, however it would also gain the feet owners to gain a few scores. Slow motion cameras would be beneficial at this point.

I know you are probably thinking I'm crazy, but I'm not finished yet. You're probably also asking yourself, "How can there be a winner? I think that making out should be a team sport, everyone's a winner!"
You're wrong. There's always a winner. Not necessarily the person who comes out on top (ha) though. This is where the scoring comes in handy. Numbers are calculated and if necessary, there is a tie breaker round. The first person to come up for air is disqualified. This is where stamina is KEY.


My suggestion to you all is to start practicing. I'm already making up some t-shirts and will be holding "auditions" if you will in the next few weeks. I have a feeling that all of our readers (and writers) are going to kick ass at this game.

Late Night Early Morning Blogging

I am so glad I didn't blog when I got home last night. It would have been a "woe is me" type blog. Instead, I can report about how much fun I had last night watching a roomful of friends get drunk. Now, to be fair, I had my own tipsy/drunk moments, but they all occurred early in the night and I sobered up as most everyone else got more inebriated.

I didn't do a good job continuing on the trend started by NotCharlotte and NotMiranda last weekend, though. (Oh, and by "trend" I just mean making out. There will be no sharing trends started.) I wish I could report that I ended up in an empty room making out in the dark or had stolen away to the back porch to sneak a few kisses in* with someone. It's okay, though. Like I said, the "woe is me" moments have passed and were merely a result of the late night drive home. It does suck to look around a room and realize there's noone to flirt with...We need to start bringing some other people into our group. At one point, towards the end of the night, every male there was either spoken for, making out with their girlfriend (find a room, seriously), or vomiting in the bathroom. Not very good odds, eh?

But it was a fun night regardless:) It's not all about the boys!




*Good memory!

867-5309

Speaking of these unspoken rules, I have another one to present for the panel. This one was first brought up by my e-friend, Senor Beavis. When in conversation or, after how much conversation, is it socially acceptable to ask for someone's phone number?

So not to tell a story that is not mine, I'm trying to create a "what if..." type of situation to try to figure this out:

Say you're at a party talking to someone who is nice and normal and not staring at your chest. This part is important, I think, as I don't often give out my number to ogling eyes. (Although who are we kidding, I'm not exactly turning them away lately-but that's another blog, ha.) There's a connection, whether its from sparks or just common interests, but then one of you has to leave and it's up in the air if you will ever see each other again. What's the next step? Is it an okay point to ask for the girl/guy's number? Is it incredibly lame or more accepted now to ask for an email address?

Actually, this reminds me of a funny story, no, two funny stories and I'm going to sidebar for a minute:

• One time at a bar during college this semi-wasted guy was out promoting for his band and ended up talking to my friend and I. I'm pretty sure he was genuinely trying to hit on at least one of us (and it's only hazy because it was so long ago) and we gave him our email addresses. Well, drunk boy never wrote which wasn't too unexpected as the likelihood of that slip of paper making it intact from the night wasn't good. Anyway, a few weeks later we saw him and gave him such a hard time about it. All in good fun, of course. We didn't really care.
• This other time I sort of ended up making out with a friend of a friend on New Years Eve. I had given him a ride home and he REALLY wanted me to go inside with him. I ended up going in but ONLY because I really had to use his restroom and knew he wouldn't hurt me because he was staying at his parents house and they were home. But before he 'talked me into going in', we exchanged email addresses. I've told the rest of the story before, but the part that makes me laugh is that I later found out it was a totally bogus email address. He probably just wanted to make me feel like he wasn't just trying to get into my pants. The other addition onto this story is that a few years later I ran into my friends and he was with them and I heard him say, "WHO is that?" Hahahaha. I so won.
  

Where were we? Oh yes. When is it not weird to ask for someone's number? I am generally suspicious of people who ask for my number when I'm out at a bar as it all just seems like one big hook up event anyway. I would be more likely to give it out at a party of people I know.

And I applaud those people who are masters of this dating game and are probably thinking, "Why is she overthinking this?" just give and ask when you want. Well, itt's hard to ignore those shy tendencies sometimes or to stop the mind from overthinking the moment.


So again...thoughts?

Fair Game Rule

Breanna's mom (who is also, of course, LC's mom and who doesn't love The Hills??) said, "Once you're broken up you're broken up. It's free game!"

Nevermind the fact that I'm watching Laguna Beach...thoughts?

What is the unspoken rule regarding pursuing someone a friend dated? Is it a blatant "never"? Or is it some complex mathematical equation where X equals the number of days/months/years your friend dated him or her. Does it involve time? If they dated three years ago then it's okay to have a crush on him now.

I've had crushes on guys my friends have dated or were interested in. How can this be helped? I'm drawn to people for a reason, right? I can't help who it is and who they may have been involved with in the past. Now, to make this more difficult, I would NOT pursue a serious ex of a friend of mine. That would just be wrong and incredibly difficult for all involved. Besides, there are so many more variables in that situation.

But on the flip side, it would be really difficult to have a close friend of mine go after someone I had a big crush on. Wow...just the thought is a little weird. But is my uncomfortableness enough to keep two people apart?

Tough tough tough.

But, seriously, what are the "rules"?

What's mine is yours

I embarked upon this past weekend with hope for little excitement. The Nots had been planning on grabbing their entourage and crashing this huge Halloween party on Saturday night. Fun, right? Well, what started out as your average, fun party quickly began to spiral into very interesting. A couple of key Not men (NotGraceful, NotBeast) happened to be at this party, and once the drinks had time to course through enough veins and the girls had a shot at the ice luge, the boys grabbed an empty bottle and suggest a little game of spin the bottle. Kissing occured all around, and in addition to a couple of kisses from NotGraceful, I ended up getting some exploratory tongue from NotBeast. Cut to a few minutes later and I'm flirting with NotBeast downstairs when NotGraceful drags me to couch and climbs on top of me, biting my neck. I believe some interesting pictures are now circulating out there. Fully intoxicated, our lovely designated driver piled NotCharlotte, NotGraceful and I into her car as we said goodbye to NotBeast. We were headed back to NotCharlotte's to crash, but that wasn't exactly what happened. Instead we opened more bottles of alcohol and all piled on the couch.

What happened over the course of the next few hours was certainly interesting. With NotCharlotte doing whatever upstairs, NotGraceful and I had a mad, hot makeout session* on the couch. Let's just say that the boy makes good use of his tongue, and his hands were in all of the right places. More cuddling on the couch when NotCharlotte returns and then more mad making out when she goes upstairs again. Insert a little guitar playing into the mix, and a drunk NotCharlotte and NotMiranda were swooning. Eventually my old ass passed out on the couch, and this is when NotCharlotte steps up to the plate. As I'm dozing, NotCharlotte is making out with NotGraceful on the floor! From what I hear, it was pretty damned steamy.

Somehow the weekend had spiralled into some odd, shared makeout fest. You all should know by now that I am typically a jealous ho, but I've been over NotGraceful** for awhile and have turned my attention elsewhere. I actually wasn't jealous at all (shock!). I can't help going deep on this one, though, and wondering if this isn't just more evidence of my fear of commitment and getting too into someone.***


*We'll leave out most of the details for the sake of brevity.
**And, really, who am I to talk? I was snogging on NotCharlotte's NotBeast earlier in the evening.
***This sentence deserves some explaining, but that's just going to have to wait. Soon, my pretties.

I let my fingers do the walking...

Disclaimer: This post is not for those faint of sex. Meaning if you are in any shape, form or fashion squicked at the idea of anything sexual...first, why are you reading this blog and second you may want to duck and cover.

I consider myself a sexual creature by nature. I like the idea of sex. The idea of bodies sliding against each other, the thought of long slow kisses that lead to being caught between a wall and a hard place and you're not doing it right if you haven't broken a sweat by the time you're done. So why this post you may ask...why the homage to sex with two people when I am clearly single...? Because no one else seems to be willing to broach the topic of masturbation.

Call it what you like, but getting down and dirty with yourself can be just as sexually satisfying as getting it on with someone else. In some cases you know exactly where to touch, what will send you flying and where the "no spot" lies (the "no spot" for those of you playing our home game is that spot that will kill your quality time with yourself quick, equate it with having your worst sexual partner enter that fantasy you had of Brad Pitt or Dr. McDreamy).

But while polite society can talk about all manners of sex with someone else, they've forgotten that some of the best sex we have is with ourselves and some had a slight sexual awakening beneath the sheets when a hand brushed a nipple *yeah I said the "n" word* or near the clit *gasp the "c" word too!* in the tossing and turning at night.

The other side benefit of masturbation is that you can teach your lover your favorite spots as well. Hey, not everyone is a porn star the first time they jump into the sack. You have to learn somewhere, and if you're not willing to test out your sexual responses by yourself to at least know what you don't like, then you have no reason to complain when someone does something you don't like, especially if you're not willing to voice your dislike.

To play the sex card, its more readily accepted that men will masturbate, despite detractors and "hairy palm" rumors, its easier to understand that men will "shake hands with the president," "wag the dog", "drain the lizard" Edit - I've just been told I've given euphemisms for urination...so I replace them with "choking the chicken", "hands on training" and any of a host of other euphemisms for masturbating, instead of women. I grew up hearing from my male friends how many times they could get it up and then set it off over a weekend, or if they had had time to get 'r done (sorry NotCarrie I couldn't resist) before school that morning. I have to ask...what about women? Why aren't we laughing about how long it took us to get there? or if multiple O's almost made us late for class/work?

I suggest breaking some new ground here and now. Ladies make your mark on yourself. Make masturbation a part of your sexual education. Even if you're not prepared to talk about it as boldly as I am. Let your fingers do the walking...and maybe even some talking, as they tell you things about yourself and your sexuality you probably never knew.

Have a good walk.

Getting rid of the half-pipe

I've spent a lot of time this past year being bold, stepping out, and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it. Perhaps this is fortuitous given the fact that one of my current interests, NotManga, is on the shy side. He's creative, quirky and way too nice for me. An artist who can sew his own clothes and walks his own path. We've developed a rapport, but how do I indicate interest without resorting to the more blunt NotMiranda? Am I just asking for trouble liking a quiet guy? Girls (cough), if NotManga were to be present at any birthday celebration, I would be ok with that (cough).

Stand Inside Your Love

Everyone always says "relationships are hard work", right? We know this part. What I'm wondering is why the before part takes so much work, too. We're all bumbling around, trying to meet people and make connections, hoping that one of them will work out and will result in something real and special. This process, though...it can really suck and I can only wonder if I'm doing it incorrectly, or if I'm just in the process and need to be patient.

I don't know how to do anything but be myself. And I don't want this to come across as a self-confidence issue because really, if there's one thing I don't lack it's self-confidence, but so far, being "just me" isn't doing much. I think there's a difference in going out to a bar and hooking up with some guy. I can do that. I know how that process works, but I'm kind of over it. It was more the "college NotCarrie" that did that more and now it seems like I'm in a different place*.

Like with most instances in my life, I got to thinking about all of this as I listened to a song. "Stand Inside Your Love" by the Smashing Pumpkins:

who wouldn't be the one you love and live for
who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for
who wouldn't be the one you love

I mean really...he should be so lucky, right? I'm a hott catch:)




*Cliche!

High-Maintenance

I wondered out loud the other day if I come across as high-maintenance. Like, maybe guys see me, or know me, and assume I'm going to require a lot out of them or out of a relationship. Do I come across as the type of girl who needs to be taken to fancy, expensive restaurants and wined and dined? Does it seem like I want to go out every Friday and Saturday night? Dressing up and hitting the town each and every weekend?

NotMiranda could only give her already biased point of view that no, I do not come across as high-maintenance, and while I value her opinion, it's not the one I need right now. I can't help but wonder if I do in fact come across as someone who wouldn't be content to stay in and watch a movie on a Friday night. Let's just go on a relaxing car drive on a Saturday afternoon. Sunday night TV? Count me in!

Not to say that I don't like the more exciting things in life because holy hell do I! But, and this is incredibly cheesy and worthy of a romantic comedy movie, when you're with someone you really like (or for the love of Pete, love) doing the more mundane things in life can get that much more exciting.

Sure, right now in my life I might go a little stir crazy staying home all weekend, but if I'm staying home with someone who's company I truely enjoy? It will be anything but dull.

I just wonder sometimes if other people's perceptions of me aren't correct.

Eavesdropping

I'm sitting on a train eavesdropping on a couple near me, and I have to tell you that what I'm hearing is terrifying. The man and woman travellong together are likely coworkers. One married, the other single. Both are somewhere in their 40s-50s. Listening to the single woman talk about being on match.com and guys winking at her. I know for certain that I don't want to still be talking about this crap at 50.

Cold Hands

You know what's really nice when it's chilly out?

Holding hands:)

So much better than sweaty, summer hand-holding.

Alert: I Might Be Back

I had a meeting in my college town yesterday afternoon and instead of continuing to be angry about my friends sucking at life last weekend, I decided to risk rush hour traffic to get some of my favorite coffee and to say hello to NotDreds. I had joked with NotMiranda that I was going to makeout with him somehow so I would have stories to regale you guys with, but it wouldn't have worked out anyway because I had to visit him at work.

NotDreds was unfortunately a little down and not his flirty self. Although, to be fair, I think we usually hit it our suggestive strides when drinks are in our hands. And we usually connect over being annoyed with the drunk people at the bars.

But I digress. So while I did not get my flirt on with NotDreds I DID get some good words in with his coworker, NotNewbie. NotDreds got a work call while I was there so I moved my attention to NotNewbie who yes, was obviously a little younger than me, but I think that worked in my favor. I had this theory I unofficially tried out a few years back, when I first started hanging out with NotRoger. He was a few years younger than I was and I think the age difference somehow kept me in control. It's hard to explain, and it's not some concrete thing I believe in at all, but I definitely noticed it when talking to NotNewbie. My words were flowing and I had the flirty eyes and facial expressions going. I had him laughing and making cute comments back. I was so in control of that conversation. I had to knock it off quickly though because NotDreds had come back and I didn't want him to accuse me of trying to rob any cradles though. And no, I'm not after NotNewbie. I'll probably never see him again, but he was a good way to ease back into the game.

NotCarrie is back!

Match me up, Scotty!

As most of you know, I have been dabbling in the world of online dating. Last Thursday I went on a date with NotScruffy, someone I met from Match.com. We met at an Irish pub and drank beer while talking about most of the things we didn’t discuss in our daily phone calls/ instant messenger interactions. He was scruffy (of course), had a cute smile, and there were no breaks in conversation.

No problem, right?

I’m a crazy cunt then, because I found several problems with our date.

Over the past few months I have realized that I am a very judgmental person. I am also a big “first impression” sort of person. These two facets combined create my alter ego… I like to call her Contessa Judgey. I walked around the corner to where he was supposed to meet me and was immediately taken by his… tallness. This dude was the Tarzan to my meek little Jane—but not necessarily in a good way. I immediately thought to myself, how am I supposed to kiss him? Will he hunch over when we hug? At least he smelled nice.

I introduced myself and we proceeded into the bar. We sat ourselves in a little corner table, a perfect spot for people watching and I began one of my favorite poses: right leg crossed over left, body leaning forward, chin cupped slightly in right hand while left arm pushes up the girls to full attention. This pose is not only attractive, it also primes my body to swivel any which way to view the many people that inhabited this bar. I do believe my date liked this pose because he kept looking at me instead of the people I was talking about. Everything was going fine until the waitress came up to get our drink order. Imagine, if you will, a character from Dr. Seuss’ best loved classic “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” She was little Miss Cindy Lou Who, only with dark hair, complete with a ponytail… right on top of her head.

Come on folks, this is perfect fodder for a comment. I waited until she was done getting our order and well out of earshot, then told NotScruffy of my findings. If U2 weren’t playing so loudly, I think I would have heard crickets. Or the sound of his eyelids blinking, like in the cartoon I was using my comparison for. I chuckled softly and went on to explain that when I make comments like this they may sound judgmental, however they are absolutely, 100% honest reflections of how people look or act. I went on to explain that I would expect anyone else to make the same comments about me, however since I am perfect in every single way (much like Mary Poppins), it rarely happens. Finally, a laugh out of him.

After that, I think he loosened up a bit (could have been the Guinness) and he started to realize that I was correct in the stereotyping of our dear makeover candidate of a server. He then proceeded to “give me a hard time” about everything and while it was amusing, but after awhile it became repetitive because he couldn’t find that much to give me crap for.

Perhaps I was the one giving him a hard time. However, our online and phone conversations went a lot more towards the type of chit chat I like. Looking back, I realize that he was probably nervous, seeing as it was our first actual date and I feel bad for overanalyzing his moves. However, I am smart enough to realize that I am really not physically attracted to him. I knew from the minute I saw him that I could not see us “getting it on.” James Mercer, of The Shins fame, told Jane magazine something to the effect that first dates are for seeing if you would be compatible in a physical relationship.

I also realize that I may have gotten my hopes up too high for this guy. That could be the reason why I was nonplussed about our date. We spoke for 3 weeks online and on the phone before even meeting and I had created in my mind the perfect guy to have a relationship. When it finally “happened” I realized that my imagined man was in no way comparable to the man that sat in front of me, talking about basketball and not laughing at my comment about our Dr. Seuss wannabe.

I could go further into my analysis of the date, however I think this is enough fodder for you all to give me your opinions of dating online, or thoughts on what first dates are, or even your worst first dates ever. Anything to make me feel better about my judging abilities! Should I give him a second date, just to see if, given a different setting and not “first date jitters,” it’s different? Or should I go with my gut instinct and move on?

Attitude adjustment

I don't consider myself particularly kinky, but who knows. We seem to find out new information about ourselves all the time, right?

This weekend appears to have been very ass centric. Saturday night, I was messing with NotDarling at the part-time gig, when he slaps me with a hard high five. I remark on how hard he hits, and he retorts back with how much I like it. Ever the jokester, I came back with "not unless you're smacking my ass," as I'm whirling around and headed in the other direction. That bastard smacks my ass. Hard. I actually screamed, drawing way too much attention to myself, my flaming cheeks, and the fact that I was engaging in seemingly nefarious activity.

Sunday rolls around and what I consider everyone's fascination with my ass continues. I'm again at the part-time where I'm helping a customer sporting a t-shirt with a full-on "shocker"* sign. As I raise my eyebrow and smirk, he maintains his cocky stance but apologizes. I assured him he has nothing to apologize for and walked him around to where the books he was interested in should have been. As I'm walking ahead and prattling on, I feel his hand hit my ass. Seriously. He could have been swinging his arms a little too exuberantly or maybe he couldn't resist the tush. I like to think a guy confident enough to sport a "shocker" tee and asking for the kinds of books he was asking for would be more apt to give a test tap than swing his arms. It's more fun in the telling anyway.

So, it's Monday afternoon, and I find myself wondering if maybe it's me with the ass smacking obsession. The slight kink. Who knows. Perhaps I'll have a chance to test my theories out in a few short weeks. ; )


*It should be known that I obtained all knowledge of what both the shocker and a dirty sanchez are from NotDarling. Get your minds out of the gutters...it was purely an intellectual discussion.

Empty Nights And Empty Flirting

Like I said before, this weekend is Homecoming at my college. I was planning on going and had even been in contact with my peeps to meet up. Now though? I'm totally not feeling it. I texted my friend earlier asking where they would be and have yet to hear anything. I know I should call and maybe try to get in touch with someone else, but I'd rather just wallow right now and wonder why noone is missing my company.

It's still very early in the night, I know. But come 10 or 11pm when I get the "Are you here?" texts and calls, I'm going to either be sitting at home, watching bad TV or at a friend's party an hour and a half away.

And the mood I'm in? So not a good one to be in if I go there because I know I'll just end up in an even worse one. A lot of my Notblogging has been inspired by nights out there with NotRoger, NotDreds, NotTownie, etc., but a lot of the times I go there, it's just a lot of empty flirting. And what good is empty flirting? It sucks. It leaves me feeling crappy and I don't want to feel crappy. It's my one day off of the week and I want to be in a good, happy mood.

I'll let you know what I decide to do...

Emptying the coffee pot...

I hate decaf coffee.

Seriously, I'm a full caffeine girl. I get no less than four espresso shots in any Fourbucks drink that I order and I'm proud of it. And I don't need no stinkin' half caff anything. Give me full flavor or no flavor at all. However, lately I've been less than caffeinated. In fact, I've been down right, decaf, worse, I've become instant decaf coffee!

"Are you becoming a hermit?" is what has been asked of me lately. And the more I think about it the easier I find the answer being yes. Why, you may ask. Well, here's what I've come up with:

I'm not dating (and not actively looking), I don't find the need to go out much or see the people I would normally see very often. I've slowly been pulling myself more and more away from friends and in some cases family. I've got a few people that see me regularly, either at work or out and about and that's pretty much it. Unless I promise promise to be there, I find some excuse not to make it.

I'm not feeling particularly attractive right now. I've been spending way more time than I would like to admit thinking about the looks that people get. For women, I think that in some cases we want to be noticed and when we are the ego gets a bit of a boost. Especially, when the eyes doing the staring are of the male variety and they're followed up by the approach of said male. Right now, I'm digging my own hole because I'm not going out, hence not getting any once over (let alone twice or thrice overs) and therefore no ego boost. Endless cycle this one.

I hate sleeping alone, but I'm not up to the challenge of finding someone to curl up with. This goes back to point number one. I'm not dating, but I'm not doing anything about it either. This funk...is a revisit of the previous one after the breakup with NotSkippy and I guess what I've got now are the lingering traces...the dregs in the coffee that was our relationship, if you will.

This weekend I've got a house party/house warming for a friend who just moved into my neighborhood and already I've been contemplating what excuses to give so I can just stay in with my back to my tv and my fingers on my keyboard. What would make a plausible reason for me to not drive, hell walk, the 1/2 mile to this party and hang out for a bit? I've come up with a few, but they don't hold any water at all. I can't even fool myself.

To top all of this off, my body has even started to be effected by my lack of a caffeinated personality. I've been sick...and I don't do sick. So, tomorrow is Friday, the kickoff of my weekend...sorta. I'm going to start it with one major kick of real espresso and go from there. If I can't find something to get me jumpstarted and soon, peaberry coffee won't even be enough to bring me back.

*holds out empty demitasse*

Fill 'er up!

Really Hott Friends

My last two years of college were filled with a lot of really hott guys. Not necessarily guys with whom I made out with or anything, but still, they were hott. I had really hott friends. So, with really hott, male friends comes a lot of crushes on really hot, male friends.

This weekend is my college's Homecoming and since I live so close, I'll probably stop by. Usually this would mean I would be excited to go back to my ol' stompin grounds where I would get to run into all of those really hott, male friends. (Have I mentioned they're hott?) This year, though, not so much. I'm not itching to get there or anything and just don't feel like putting my flirt on with them.

Last year I accidently got drunk which resulted in me flirting A LOT with my friend, NotCharming. It didn't lead anywhere (surprisingly, actually) which is a good thing and I now know not to race when drinking Hurricane drinks at chinese restaurants. NotTownie and Notdreds will also be around like they were last year, but do I care about flirting with them? Not really.

It's odd. It's like I'm settling down or something weird, but not by choice. I'm sure I'll get it back soon. Maybe with cooler temperatures comes cooler NotCarrie...

Worthy

Tonight I got what I needed, attention I wasn't getting from one of the current crushes. I'm not especially selfish, but I needed tonight to be all about me.

I knew we would be ok as we pulled away from apartment building. He wanted me, and all I wanted was to be wanted. His hand on my thigh in the car, driving fast like he knew it excited me. Dinner was comforting. Italian. Conversation just argumentative enough for my taste.

He was enough...tall enough, dark enough. Agressive enough when he took me back to his office to show me around. A bit pretentious (size doesn't matter when it comes to offices), but I let any irritation slip away when he backed me in a corner for one of those kisses.

The attention whore in me got what she wanted.

Virginville

Jane Magazine, in their continuing coverage of our favorite virgin Sarah's quest to get laid, has compiled a list of other, later-aged virgins.

Gary Coleman- Said he was the big V back at age 30 and hasn't given an update since. I would bet money the man has at least paid someone to sleep with him since then. Isn't he all weird now? Didn't he freak out on The Surreal Life or something?

Jessica Simpson- Was 22. It would be weird to know this, but she's the one who said she was waiting until marriage and we all know when she got married. Poor Nick.

Katie Holmes- 26. Ew ew ew. We all know what happened here: Tom Cruise, scientology, and cold sores. Poor Chris Klein. Sucks his baby is being raised by another man.

Adriana Lima- She's 25? You might not know who this is. She's a model, therefore she's hott. And no, Isabella Snow, I am not going to go after women just bc it's been a little dull in the male department;)

Jane Austen- The magazine says 1775-1817. Is that when she died? That sucks. Ahh, thank you, Wikipedia, that IS when she died. Sucks for her. No wonder her characters were so pressed. She wrote what she knew.

Kennedy- The MTV VJ, not the President. Apparently she was 28. I bet it was with that one news guy who has been working there since what seems like the beginning of MTV.

Hitler- Says he had sexual dysfunctions. Hmmmm. I think it was the mustache.

Absolutely Nothing

I just sat here for like, 10 minutes trying to think of something to write about and I've got to be honest with you: I've got nothing.

There are no proscpects at work.

There are no prospects at the second job.

There are no males at class (Seriously. I know, can you believe it?)

I haven't spoken to NotRoger, NotDreds, or NotTownie in awhile so there's nothing exciting there.

I no longer work with the married guy and NotTaylor and no, we never had happy hour.

I'm not even interacting with male friends enough right now to read into things.


THINGS SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE SHAKEN UP! This is ridiculous. I'm glad my Notboos have things going on.

Twitterpated.

So things are progressing with one of the matchmates. NotSmart (who will now be known as NotScruffy) has become the only person that I now communicate from that site. Well, actually he's the only guy I'm currently talking to, period. Over the past week we've talked every single day, for hours at a time. He's on a work trip across the country, so the time difference is a bit of a challenge to deal with (especially last night, since I stayed up until 4am talking to him on the phone) but it's given us a chance to get to know each other without the nervousness of actually meeting.
I think I'm starting to really like him. This is odd for me, since usually I need to see a potential date-mate in person to know if I want to date them. No, I'm not superficial, I can just "feel" vibes with someone. But with him it's different. Our phone conversation last night was two hours long, with no breaks in conversation. Of course, it did help that I was pretty tipsy, so I talked quite a bit, but I do believe that is more my style of conversation anyway. (Talking a lot, not acting like I'm tipsy).
He gets back early next week and we're already planning something fun for us to do. Be prepared because I do believe this blog will be my place of detailing every single thing that happens from here on out... kind of like how it's supposed to be anyway.

As for NotEmo, he's completely out of the picture. This dude was more of a girl than I am! He was whiny and such a complainer, I knew that we wouldn't "match." Hah.

"But Why?"

I had at least five people ask me yesterday, "Are you married?" and "Why not?"

Now, granted they were all kids, but still, seriously???? So after they would ask me that I would say, "I'm too young to be married!" and would have them guess my age. The most common answer was 21.

Again...seriously??

Silly cunts

Nothing is easy. This is the message I was continually knocked up side the head with last week. Nothing is easy, especially when it comes to relationships.

The deliverers of this harbinger of "be prepared" were none other than friends, coworkers, and, of course, The Last Kiss. Here I am, crushing along, when I hear that NotBride has been separated from her husband for 2 months and is already in couple's therapy. This is a dear friend whose wedding I attended in June and whose wedding video I was still editing. They seemed so in love, so right. Then there was NotRed, who just returned to work after having her second child. She works some nights with me at the bookstore. One evening after her husband called, she filled me in on what exactly he was always calling about. He was freaking out because he just can't handle the baby. He was sobbing about how he couldn't handle it and was tempted to drop the baby with a neighbor and just start walking. He said the tike was going to give him a heart attack. He demanded NotRed quit her job despite the fact that it puts food on the table.

Both these stories made my heart hurt. Why is love, along with so many other things in life, so painful? Shouldn't something so grand eventually get easy? For fuck's sake, we spend enough time second guessing ourselves and primping that we deserve something to go smoothly! To top it off, the two silly cunts (myself and NotCharlotte) took themselves to see The Last Kiss this past Friday. I don't want to give anything away, but holy hell. Is someone trying to send me a message? I was ready to walk out mid movie and drown my sorrows in a nice merlot. Instead, I stuck around and saw the light.

The (en)light(enment)? Nothing is easy, especially relationships. If they're worth it, then you fight for it. You sacrifice and maybe even give a little of yourself. Sigh.

The fine art of shopping for porn...

Hello my name is NotSamantha and I like PORN. *holds up badge*

That's right, I said it...PORN (in all caps). Did anyone duck, did you run screaming into the night. No? Good. Because if you had then I wouldn't want you reading my post anyway.

For all of you who maintain that shopping for, looking at and anything dealing with porn is for the skeazy old men out there who trolls for sweet young things on the 'net, please exit the blog now and return to your regularly scheduled Stepford lives.

*ahem*

There is just something about going to my local porn store. I walk in and I always expect to see several guys who are sneaking peeks over there shoulder to make sure their girlfriend/wife/significant other isn't going to walk in and catch them in the act of picking up the latest volume of Boob Squad 8. Instead this weekend I walked in and there was no one. Just the clerk on the phone and me. It was kind of fun having the place to myself. The clerk even asked me if I needed any help and didn't sound condescending while doing it.

Needless to say I don't buy just anything with T & A taking up the cover. I've got some standards. Since I've found that PORN is one of my favorite forms of entertainment, I've had to come up with some criteria, of which I will list here:

1) My pornpeople must be pretty. That's right, I'm shallow. I want all of my pornpeeps to be preened within an inch of their life. They should be waxed, dyed and smooth of bum and *ahem*.

2) My pornstories must be short on plot. I prefer, the plotless. I mean seriously, its porn, I'm not going to discuss the technical merits of camera angles and how they enhance boob size. I am however going to discuss....

3) My pornpeople should have good 'o' faces. If you can't fake it and fake it well, the what the hell am I giving you 20 bucks a dvd for? Fake it like you make it. Gratuitous use of moaning is not appealing.

4) My porn must have extras. I want sneak peeks of the other stuff you do. I could care less about star biographies, but give me lots of extras with more of the nude.

These four things are what I'm looking for as I flip through the countless racks of dvds. Sometimes there are particular people I have in mind, but mostly I'm in it for the nekkid. So what about you guys. Be honest, I know you shop for it at some point. Whether you're dragged in by your crazy friend or you stroll in of your own will. Wear your PORN badge with pride, just make sure its facing front so everyone else can see it.

You Can Bring Me Flowers

NotCharlotte has been incredibly busy lately.

School, work, e-dating.

Wait, what? Yeah, that's right. I've got some online boos courting me.

I decided to jumpstart my man-kharma by joining online dating sites. I have found in the past that once I create a profile (which includes the bare minimum of facts that include my love for all things that light up, the color pink, cupcakes, and music of the indie-snob fare), men in my "real" life pop out from nowhere and problem solved. This happened a few months ago when I started dating NotMarine. That didn't work out, but then NotElvis appeared. This whole NotElvis thing is not working out, so Match.com became very appealing to me. Especially once I found that there was a 3 day trial that didn't cost anything!

I didn't really think much of it and went on my merry way.
The next morning I woke up and discovered that I had been "winked" at. How 1950s! I quickly checked out the profiles of potential shaggers and discovered that out of 12 men, 3 of them seemed interesting enough to take me out on a date.

Long story short, I started instant messaging all three of them. One, NotADD, didn't make the cut after every other word out of his mouth was misspelled and describing to me his love for auto repair and getting his associates in Business so he can open up a car detailing shop with his friend.

Then there's the other two. NotSmart and NotEmo.
The first is a 26 year old graduate from NotCornell with a Masters degree and a job that sends him out to exotic locations... like San Antonio. He's got a great head on his shoulders, has got great taste in music, and gets my sense of humor. Problems: He LOVES sports and is a vegetarian. I can do the vegetarianism, it's not like i live for beef, but the sports thing? Meh.
The second one is a 23 year old indie-liberal who works in the public service. He and I have fantastic conversations about music and movies. He likes comic books and we've spoken on the phone pretty much every day. Problems: he's a bit moody (EMO) and he's an athiest. While I'm not necessarily religious, I'm fairly spiritual. We haven't gotten to that part in our conversations yet, so I'm not going to pass judgement.

When I type this out, it seems like I've already made up my mind about who I like better. I have tentative plans to meet both of them (at separate times/locations, of course. I'm not THAT good) but I'm still hesitant about it. I have never dated two men at once! How do I go about doing this? I'm afraid that I'll start a conversation with one that I had already begun with the other and have to save my ass when they're confused about what we're discussing!

Have any of you had good/bad experiences with online dating? How about dating multiple partners at once? Any insight at all would be wonderful!

One Blind Date Of A Lifetime

I think one blind date per lifetime is enough for any person. Let me tell you about mine.


I was young, like 20 or something, and agreed to go to an unnamed college in southwest VA to attend their winter formal with a friend of my friend's boyfriend. Basically, she needed someone to go with her on the ride and I guess she and her boyfriend thought it would be fun for a group of us to go. I was set to go with NotLasagna (will explain later) yet before I agreed to go, I made my friend email a less than attractive photo of me to the guy so I wouldn't show up and he'd vomit in the corner or something. My self-confidence wavered a bit just because of the title "Blind Date" so I just wanted us both to be prepared and less 'blind'. I also agreed to go because my friend promised me there would be a lot of drinking and, since I was underage, this was exciting for me.

So we finally show up after a forever long ride that included us being run off the highway and come into the guys' suite to drop our stuff off and get ready for the dance. I'm pretty sure my date and I didn't say much more than, "Nice to meet you" when introduced. It was beyond painful and the 20 year old NotCarrie was a lot more shy than the one of today. And, I hate to admit it, but he was kind of cute and I couldn't help but daydream about us having quite the attraction and ending up smitten with each other.

First we went out to dinner and that is when I knew I was going to be left out of the smittenness. Why, you may ask? Oh, because NotLasagna's ex-girlfriend was there and seemed to be the only person he could and wanted to see. I felt like an idiot sitting there at the group table with everyone while my date was off making up with his ex. Oh yes, MAKING UP WITH HER. My friend and her boyfriend were pissed and apologized to me for the situation. My friend joked, "At least you're getting a free meal? haha" so I made sure that was the best lasagna ever and yes, that's how he got his name. NotLasagna was only good for that-lasagna, which he grudgingly paid for.

As bad as dinner was, we still hadn't even gotten to the dance which was our main reason for going down there. He and I danced maybe once and the rest of the time he was with his girlfriend. You read correctly, NotLasagna by then had completely gotten back together with the ex yet was still my date and 'obligated' to be around me some. So I was slightly miserable and trying not to let it show since my friend was having a great time with her boyfriend. Oh and the alcohol? We never got to that part because my friend drank too much at the dance (where I couldn't get anything) and ended up being sick.

We stayed the next day and night too, attending the football game and hanging around the dorm. I didn't talk to NotLasagna at all which really wasn't a loss (except for maybe him.) And tailgating? That didn't happen either.

So basically, I spent my weekend NOT getting drunk and having a horrible blind date. Not a recommended way to spend one's time. But, hey, at least I got a story out of it, right?

My Back-Up

I lost my back-up. You know, my "We'll get married if we're both single when we're 40" guy. It's just one of those fun things to do after years of being friends and sharing with each other our own unrequited love problems. So it happened, one night, probably after some drinking, we decided to be each other's backups "just in case." I was a little offended when I suggested age 40 and he said 50, though, but it's okay since 40 is the new 30, right?

There was never anything more between us, but now our friendship has taken a different course and I've barely talked to him in the past year. So, I think it's time for a new backup. Not like it's a bad thing to not be married in twenty or thirty years, but I always think of my aunt who wasn't married and wanted a baby. She went to her backup and got knocked up and now has a gorgeous little girl, the light of her life. What if I'm 40 and want a child? A back up could come in handy, right? What if I'm 50 and really hankering for some lovin'? (ha!)

Do you have a backup? I'm mulling over my ideas of who should be mine and this time, I hope he's more excited to get to age 40 than the previous title holder was!

With The Lights Off

I was at a party once a few years ago, hanging out with some girl friends, when the conversation turned to sex. One of the girls was kinda drunk and talking about her boyfriend. At one point, she got up and pretended to, well, pull her butt-cheeks apart and said, "If you can't walk around in front of a guy like this, then you shouldn't be having sex with him!" (Note: she was clothed, but nakedness was implied.)


Ok, first of all, I like the idea of this statement. I think a lot of people do sleep with someone just because they think they're supposed to (especially in high school and college.) At a time when so many women (and men) are unsure of themselves, so many just throw off their clothes and start bumping uglies. Even past then, it's the "Lights Off" problem of wanting to have sex with someone, but not wanting them to see you naked. That's not good. You should feel comfortable enough with someone to be seen in your birthday suit, however different it is than you want it to be.

Second of all, OH MY GOSH, I totally disagree with her statement. I'm kind of old school of not even wanting a boyfriend to see (or hear) me use the restroom* so there is no way in hell I'm going to walk around as my friend had simulated. I think there is a definite middle ground between my first and second points. Maybe it's because I really don't want to see some guy go all Jim Carrey with his own ass-crack...


EW!


*I won't even say "pee"!

Proof of life

The following IM conversation between NotCharlotte and I proves that I will scope a man pretty much anywhere:

notmiranda: Now at emergency room..sigh.
Notcharlotte: what happened?!?!
....
notmiranda: People look their worst at hospitals.
notmiranda: I hate the place.
notmiranda: Not sure how I ever thought I'd be a doctor.
Notcharlotte: oh i know... i think it's the lighting
notmiranda: How depressing.
....
notmiranda: Of course, cute doc just poked head out.
notmiranda: Maybe I should hang out here more often...for the men ;)
Notcharlotte: oh jeez
notmiranda: Think guy who keeps coming out is nurse. Boo.
Notcharlotte: awww
Notcharlotte: men nurses can be cute
notmiranda: Woman is scratching inside her pants.
notmiranda: I need a picture.
Notcharlotte: hahahah ewwww
Notcharlotte: yes you do!
notmiranda: Def ewwwwwwww.
notmiranda: She stopped.
notmiranda: Thankfully.
Notcharlotte: hahah good
notmiranda: Her man is kind of cute though.
notmiranda: I have to be the only person stalking men in the emergencyroom.
Notcharlotte: hahah well why not?
notmiranda: Seriously...a girl has to keep her eyes peeled.
Notcharlotte: very very true
Notcharlotte: you never know...
notmiranda: True. :)
....
notmiranda: Cop just made eyes at me. Wtf.
Notcharlotte: oh yeah??
Notcharlotte: is he hot?
notmiranda: Not really. I mean he was ok. Weird. He was with a friend going in.

Head Over Feet

I had quite a bit of time to think while at work this morning. I guess that's one perk of doing menial cash register tasks for 8 straight hours. I started thinking about my exes and the commonalities they all had.
And it dawned on me. They all had an insatiable obsession with my feet.
Every time I wore sandals or dared walk on their carpet sans socks, their eyes darted right down to my well-manicured toes. I never thought much of it, but did get a bit worried when tickle fights ended with me kicking one of my ex-men furiously because he couldn't get his paws off my pale pink arches.

What is so appealing about feet? We're on them all day. They touch everything on the floor that our tongues would not dare taste. My second toes are obscenely longer than my big toes! Okay, that might be tmi, but seriously, feet? Out of all the fetishes in the world, I have to be attracted to the ones with foot obsessions.

What is YOUR fetish? Or fetishes. If enough of you volunteer your answers, I will gladly give you mine. It's good, too.