Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Fair Game Rule

Breanna's mom (who is also, of course, LC's mom and who doesn't love The Hills??) said, "Once you're broken up you're broken up. It's free game!"

Nevermind the fact that I'm watching Laguna Beach...thoughts?

What is the unspoken rule regarding pursuing someone a friend dated? Is it a blatant "never"? Or is it some complex mathematical equation where X equals the number of days/months/years your friend dated him or her. Does it involve time? If they dated three years ago then it's okay to have a crush on him now.

I've had crushes on guys my friends have dated or were interested in. How can this be helped? I'm drawn to people for a reason, right? I can't help who it is and who they may have been involved with in the past. Now, to make this more difficult, I would NOT pursue a serious ex of a friend of mine. That would just be wrong and incredibly difficult for all involved. Besides, there are so many more variables in that situation.

But on the flip side, it would be really difficult to have a close friend of mine go after someone I had a big crush on. Wow...just the thought is a little weird. But is my uncomfortableness enough to keep two people apart?

Tough tough tough.

But, seriously, what are the "rules"?

16 comments:

jo said...

i think in perfect world, no one should ever date their friend's ex or crush. that could be weird and potentially bring about some problems. but i suppose if you guys are really meant to be... it doesn't really matter who's ex or crush he was. but still weird. i rather not go there. but if you do, all parties will have to have an open talk bout any weird feelings involved.

allan said...

There are a lot of factors to consider, but I think a general guideline is 6 months, and it is probably a good idea to ask.

Of course, I don't have any friends...so I may not be the right person to comment on this ;).

NotCarrie said...

Maybe it seems extreme to me bc I get a lot of crushes and that would be cutting out a lot of guys for my friends. HAHAHAHAHHA!

I do think it's an entirely different situation between a real relationship and a crush, though. Although, some crushes can be like one-sided relationships, ha.

Chuckles said...

Crushes have no influence on this decision unless you are deliberately grabbing someone (the crushee) because another person has a crush (crusher) and you have weaponized your chassis to cause maximum hurt to the crusher by grabbing the crushee.

Frankly, I have not been attracted enough to a woman my friends have dated to want to act on that attraction after the relationship is over. I keep thinking of the woman as, for lack of a better song to reference, Jessie's Girl or whomever.

Anonymous said...

The rules are as follows:

#1. Is she/he over them? REALLY over them?

#2. How serious was the relationship? NEVER OK to date someone's fiance, ex husband, etc.

#3. YOU ASK PERMISSION ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS - full disclosure

#4. How much does the relationship matter to you as opposed to the friendship? Because at some point you might be forced to make that choice.

Judy said...

I've been on both sides of it.

My ex started dating my best friend one week after we had broken up. We had dated each other for a year. Sure, this was in high school, but I think in some ways that makes our relationship that much more significant. In that case, no permission-asking was involved...

About 10 years later, different group of people. I was friends with an ex and his best friend. My ex and I had broken up several years ago, he and I had both moved. I ended up liking his friend. I asked him if it was ok if I pursued his friend and it was. Things didn't work out with the friend, but at least the situation was handled much better than before.

I think it's all situational- how much time has passed, how over each other the people are, and just being honest.

NotCarrie said...

Chuckles- haha, yeah. I don't even few some of my friend's sig others as potentials at all. I wouldn't want to. They're just there.

Irish Red- "I'm going to ask out your ex-husband, is that ok?" Haha, that would be so wrong.

Judy- I'm glad the second scenario went much better.

Minneapolis said...

Since you can't control your feelings, it can be pointless to stop it. One of my friends tried and tried to not like one of my exs and resulted in her image of him being so wrong as she just didn't approach it head on and therefore created a whole version of him in her head. Then she resented me. Course she never asked me until it was too far gone.

You can't control who you really love... you can control who you randomly screw around with. If it's not something serious, I say leave it alone. Recycling can be a bad idea.

Coughs really loudly. Not that I'd know or anything.

NotCarrie said...

Minneapolis- I agree about the real vs just screwing around. It's not worth it to risk messing up a friendship for something stupid. Like the time I made out with someone's boyfriend, I wasn't friends with her so it was ok.

Haha, I'm kidding. That's a bad example bc I actually didn't even know he HAD a girlfriend.

Melinda said...

I've got a different spin on this:

I was the girl who dated three different guys who were friends (not close friends, but still...) in the span of 5 years, I can say with authority that dating exes can get really messy.

I'm not proud that I dated that many people from the group of friends I was part of during high school, but that was just how things happened. The guys assured me that it wasn't a problem, but I know things were never the same between them. I still feel guilty about that...

Mixing friends and exes and dating is always going to have the potential for trouble. Irish Red said it perfectly: Honesty, asking permission, and considering the duration and strength of the relationships between everyone involved isn't just polite - it's necessary.

NotCarrie said...

Just in case anyone is wondering-I'm not interested in anyone's ex or current or past crush:)

Ashburnite said...

never never never. I look at it this way- how would I feel if one of my friends dated my ex? Come to think of it, it's happened, so I know how I felt, and I'd never want to do that to a friend. But then again, I'm a lot more emotional than most.

Karina said...

I think it totally depends on how serious your friend was with them, how they would feel about it, how close of a friend they are to you...
Ideally, we wouldn't go there...but that doesnt always happen.

ChickyBabe said...

I don't know about rules, but when I was in such a situation, i asked my friend if she minded, and considering there was a 6 months gap between us dating him, she didn't care. I guess it depends on the friend.

Isabella Snow said...

The rules depend on who you are.

For example, if you are my big sister, that means anyone I am currently dating, or have dated, is the best man to take home and shag.

It also means, if your little sister even looks at any of your past boyfriends for more than 2 secs, WW3 will break out.

Me personally, if I had real feelings for someone, my mates better be hands off until I am over it, or madly in love and married to a rich man who owns 1/2 of Monaco.

Sorry girls, that's just how it is.

;)))

NotCarrie said...

Isabella- But after your over it, it's fair game for the friend??

I do agree about asking the friend, of course. Otherwise it can be kinda shady.