Thursday, November 02, 2006


Speaking of these unspoken rules, I have another one to present for the panel. This one was first brought up by my e-friend, Senor Beavis. When in conversation or, after how much conversation, is it socially acceptable to ask for someone's phone number?

So not to tell a story that is not mine, I'm trying to create a "what if..." type of situation to try to figure this out:

Say you're at a party talking to someone who is nice and normal and not staring at your chest. This part is important, I think, as I don't often give out my number to ogling eyes. (Although who are we kidding, I'm not exactly turning them away lately-but that's another blog, ha.) There's a connection, whether its from sparks or just common interests, but then one of you has to leave and it's up in the air if you will ever see each other again. What's the next step? Is it an okay point to ask for the girl/guy's number? Is it incredibly lame or more accepted now to ask for an email address?

Actually, this reminds me of a funny story, no, two funny stories and I'm going to sidebar for a minute:
  • One time at a bar during college this semi-wasted guy was out promoting for his band and ended up talking to my friend and I. I'm pretty sure he was genuinely trying to hit on at least one of us (and it's only hazy because it was so long ago) and we gave him our email addresses. Well, drunk boy never wrote which wasn't too unexpected as the likelihood of that slip of paper making it intact from the night wasn't good. Anyway, a few weeks later we saw him and gave him such a hard time about it. All in good fun, of course. We didn't really care.
  • This other time I sort of ended up making out with a friend of a friend on New Years Eve. I had given him a ride home and he REALLY wanted me to go inside with him. I ended up going in but ONLY because I really had to use his restroom and knew he wouldn't hurt me because he was staying at his parents house and they were home. But before he 'talked me into going in', we exchanged email addresses. I've told the rest of the story before, but the part that makes me laugh is that I later found out it was a totally bogus email address. He probably just wanted to make me feel like he wasn't just trying to get into my pants. The other addition onto this story is that a few years later I ran into my friends and he was with them and I heard him say, "WHO is that?" Hahahaha. I so won.
Where were we? Oh yes. When is it not weird to ask for someone's number? I am generally suspicious of people who ask for my number when I'm out at a bar as it all just seems like one big hook up event anyway. I would be more likely to give it out at a party of people I know.

And I applaud those people who are masters of this dating game and are probably thinking, "Why is she overthinking this?" just give and ask when you want. Well, itt's hard to ignore those shy tendencies sometimes or to stop the mind from overthinking the moment.

So again...thoughts?


The Glitterati said...

Well, if either (or both) of you have been drinking moderate-to-substantial amounts, just slap your number in his hand and go: "Oh, here's my number, you said you wanted it earlier. We should definitely go see Borat / protest animal-testing / try that new Ethiopian place / [fill in relevant previously-mentioned tidbit here] sometime."

He'll either think he's too drunk to remember asking for your number, or that you got confused and someone else asked for your number... which... I mean, we have all seen Clueless, with the sending flowers & chocolate to onself to up the I-am-desired quotient, yes?

Of course, if you're in, like, a theatre line-up, this won't work so well. I'm a fan of: "Oh yikes, I have to go. But hey, can I give you my email? This was fun, we absolutely need to check out that documentary on gay penguins / crash a Bat Mitzvah / have that hot-dog-tasting tour / [fill in relevant detail here] sometime."

(Emails are less intimidating than phone numbers, at least to me. If he's not into you like that, you save some face... it's just a friendly email. And if he IS into you like that, fabuloso.)

Naturally, this is all easier said than done... ;)

Anonymous said...

i say just give him your number. you can screen calls if you need to. if he doesn't call, it's his loss in the end.

Chuckles said...

The last phone number I got was offered to me. (Yeah, I am that awesome.)

My usual strategy is pretty polite as far as I can tell. While I am talking to a woman and I decide I want to see her again, I wait for a time that seems like the conversation is drawing to a close and I say, "I would like to see you again, may I have your number?" or something similar.

Beth said...

Since I'm not exactly an expert on this either, I'm not really sure what to say. Because, frankly, I wouldn't mind knowing what's appropriate and what's not in terms of these situations either.

But...I think your idea about giving it out at a party of people you know is not only mature, but pretty wise. I mean, even if you loosely know some of these people, you're pretty much guarenteed none of the men are snipers. (I mean, always a good thing, right?) other situations, I say just trust your intuition. Generally you know what's not too random and fitting. If it feels like a good point to say hey, let me get your e-mail, do it. If you're still ambivalent about him, I say just move on. He's probably not worth the phonecall anyway.

And I'm pretty sure none of this answered or helped at all. I'm just as clueless.

Sex & Moxie said...

The only time it's not appropriate to ask for someone's number is MAYBE at a funeral. Other than that, as long as you feel the mutual interest, you ask for it. And, yes, you are way over thinking this.

NotCarrie said...

Haha, Sex & Moxie. I'm not one to ask for someone's number anyway. Not only do I hate the phone, but I'd be too shy to ask for it and then use it.

But when guys ask for my number, there are certain times when it seems more natural and normal than others. I'm just trying to figure out when these times are. We've got to help the dudes out. Not to say that they have to always do the asking or anything.

jess said...


Are there people out there who are actually masters of the dating game?

jess said...

Oh - and I also wanted to let you know that I am not at "The Ex Files" anymore. Please please please update your link! :)

NotCarrie said...

Jess- There are definitely people who wouldnt think twice about this whole number/email thing.

(got the link taken care of!)

Senor Beavis said...

"E-friend." Alright! I'm moving up in the world. Now any chance you guys have an NSATC time machine? :)

Hmm, despite the socks knocked off years later, I'd have to say if a guy you made out with didn't remember you, that might be a pyrrhic (sp?) "victory."

NotCarrie said...

Senor Beavis- Time machine?

And I "won" because the way he said it was like, "Whoa, I want her." And him not being certain who I was made sense bc 1) I looked different (straighter hair, dressed differently, generally older-looking, I think) and our little mo session had been on NYE when the booze was a-flowin'. Plus, it had been years since I had seen him. Oh, and in case the story wasn't clear, I did NOT let him in my pants. Haha!

NotCarrie said...

Although I do think he told all of his friends that we got it on.

myboyfriendiscrazy said...

I was at a bar and being hit on by someone I had no interest in, but didn't want to be rude. Anyway, he asked for my myspace! And then found me that night and added me as a friend and messaged me.

Definitely better than giving out the phone number, though. I guess the phone means you trust them more and the internet contact info is less familiar/committed.

NotCarrie said...

I would vomit if someone asked for my MySpace. Email, yes. Phone, maybe. Blog, eh, probably not. MySpace, vomit. Facebook, jailbait!

Isabella Snow said...

If you are asking when is it appropriate to ask someone for their number, I don't see a set of rules there.

Course, I'm likely to give it after 2 secs of conversation - but I wouldn't be upset if they asked.

Isabella Snow said...


Hmm.. hope that wasn't a Freudian slip, that would make me horribly desperate. ;)

Beau said...

I had this hilarious episode once where I was talking/flirting with an undergrad girl while waiting for Chinese takeout. (I was in grad school.) When I left all she had was my name and how to spell it, which is a bit unique.

By the time I had gotten home she had already found me on facebook (where I had the most minimalist of profiles because I was curious about what it was although it clearly wasn't for grad students) and emailed me wanting to meet up.

Ahhh undergrad girls.

NotCarrie said...

Beau- Haha! I guess it's good she took initiative? That could have been a huge turn off to some people though. And facebook is def a more undergrad thing. I can see it's appeal being higher there. Not that I don't have one:) I'm not gonna lie, ha.

runtaytayrun said...

I rarely give out my number but when I do I've never gotten a call back. But I think its good to just be honest and yourself because if he thinks its too early, oh well, his loss. Sounds cheesy but whatever.