Monday, September 18, 2006

The fine art of shopping for porn...

Hello my name is NotSamantha and I like PORN. *holds up badge*

That's right, I said it...PORN (in all caps). Did anyone duck, did you run screaming into the night. No? Good. Because if you had then I wouldn't want you reading my post anyway.

For all of you who maintain that shopping for, looking at and anything dealing with porn is for the skeazy old men out there who trolls for sweet young things on the 'net, please exit the blog now and return to your regularly scheduled Stepford lives.

*ahem*

There is just something about going to my local porn store. I walk in and I always expect to see several guys who are sneaking peeks over there shoulder to make sure their girlfriend/wife/significant other isn't going to walk in and catch them in the act of picking up the latest volume of Boob Squad 8. Instead this weekend I walked in and there was no one. Just the clerk on the phone and me. It was kind of fun having the place to myself. The clerk even asked me if I needed any help and didn't sound condescending while doing it.

Needless to say I don't buy just anything with T & A taking up the cover. I've got some standards. Since I've found that PORN is one of my favorite forms of entertainment, I've had to come up with some criteria, of which I will list here:

1) My pornpeople must be pretty. That's right, I'm shallow. I want all of my pornpeeps to be preened within an inch of their life. They should be waxed, dyed and smooth of bum and *ahem*.

2) My pornstories must be short on plot. I prefer, the plotless. I mean seriously, its porn, I'm not going to discuss the technical merits of camera angles and how they enhance boob size. I am however going to discuss....

3) My pornpeople should have good 'o' faces. If you can't fake it and fake it well, the what the hell am I giving you 20 bucks a dvd for? Fake it like you make it. Gratuitous use of moaning is not appealing.

4) My porn must have extras. I want sneak peeks of the other stuff you do. I could care less about star biographies, but give me lots of extras with more of the nude.

These four things are what I'm looking for as I flip through the countless racks of dvds. Sometimes there are particular people I have in mind, but mostly I'm in it for the nekkid. So what about you guys. Be honest, I know you shop for it at some point. Whether you're dragged in by your crazy friend or you stroll in of your own will. Wear your PORN badge with pride, just make sure its facing front so everyone else can see it.

28 comments:

Asian Mistress said...

Haha, nice - but where did you go on your quest for porn...?

NotCarrie said...

Suri, I'm not a big porn fan.

VP of Dior said...

i watched an italian porn once that had the longest plot line ever. boring! all of us were just like, um ok where's the sex???

KassyK said...

I love this post. I love porn too and I hate the storylines...what the hell is the point of a storyline in PORN. I prefer ordering my porn online. :-) Eastern Euro porn is FANTASTIC.

Shannon said...

Your criteria is mine too!

I don't buy it, my husband does...I don't even know where...maybe I should find out.

Anyway, I rented it once at a small shop and a snooty yuppie middle aged woman and her husband walked into the "backroom" where the videos were.

As I'm perusing the covers (must be pretty people on the covers), she says "Oh, this is all so degrading to women" and walked out....while husband stayed behind.

My first instinct was to feel shame and walk out, but I held my head high, picked out something I thought would be good, and proceeded to rent it without feeling guilt.

I was 20 yrs old at the time and felt that it was my first step toward adulthood, lol.

Fuck the yuppie bitch, I gotta get my groove on!!

Chuckles said...

I work in the local video chain some nights a week and we changed locations and have not brought the porn over yet. We aren't going to either because we don't have the space, but I don't really miss it. As a clerk, you have to deal with a lot of crap that is just foul. Skeevy bastards asking for particular titles to make you feel dirty, skeevy bastards trying to scam free rentals, cases being returned covered in what I hope was just lube. Of the 10 or so people that have asked for the porn, only one was a woman. She had a bit of an accent and asked me if we were bringing the "adult movies over" and I though she said "other movies over" and answered that question. She blushed at the answer and I then realized what she had asked. Needless to say, it is SO RICOCKULOUSLY DISTRACTING when pretty woman ask where we keep our porn. I am a confident man who can hold his own in any situation but that one. My brain just shorts out when asked that question by women.

Velvet said...

Oh my. You are a woman after my own heart. Plotlines suck. Hello? "Pirates" best movie of 2005 and your stupid plot line? WTF? This is why I like the compilations of Jenna or Brianna or someone else. And ick, just bought a Tera Patrick movie and had to deal with her fat disgusting husband nailing her for 4 hours. ICK!

Excaliburfilms.com

Sandra Dee said...

That is hilarious. I wish I could be as brave as you for going into such a store. I'm would be like the guys sneaking peeks over their shoulders, always thinking that someone I know would come in there and see me! God forbid!

Irish Red said...

I have honestly never shopped for porn! I won some at Drag Bingo at Chaos...which I promptly disposed of...but that's it!

I feel like I'm mising out!

NotCarrie said...

See, if I wanted something porn-like, I would much rather have it be a story line. Have you seen the deleted sceneds from The Notebook? HOLY HELL...I mean, it would be a porn if the camera went down just a few inches. I can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of "real" porn.

Tommy the Cork said...

I need great audio. It is all about the audibles!

jordan said...

I shopped at this place in Orlando called "Fairvilla" once.. I was looking for halloween costumes and thought this was a costume shop.. oh they had costumes alright..and dildos.. and blow up dolls, I was like, HOLY hell, dude I'm in a porn shop! Groovy, since we're here and all...(snicker)... thank God I didn't have my grandmother with me.
So anyway.. one time (not in band camp).. I rented a gay porn (all guys) just to see what the hell they do.

NotMiranda said...

Funny because my earliest experiences with porn (both straight and man-on-man) were around gay men. Other than that, I guess I'm ambivalent on it. I've never bought porn, wouldn't rule it out though.

Sex & Moxie said...

Dude, two words. InDemand.

My ex and I used to order in porn all the time. We both preferred ones with threeways. Two women and a guy. Always ended up having the best sex of our relationship. Plygirl makes some great porn, too.

As far as people being offended by porn...we just had a dance studio we work with in DC pull all of our dates because one of their "regulars" complinaed about our lapdance classes. Fuck her and her delicate sensibilities.

NotMiranda said...

Moxie - I didn't realize the lapdance was porn. I just bought Carmen Electra's Lapdance/Hip Hop workout video. Granted, I bought it for the hip hop, but I guess I can say I've now bought porn. ; )

NotSamantha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NotSamantha said...

For all of you nonowners of PORN, you have just been just been assigned homework by NotSamantha. You are required to purchase one piece of pornographic viewing material (and I don't mean magazines) by the end of this month. I don't care if you buy it online as long as you buy it.

Porn doesn't make you a perv. It proves you're human, because you get excited about the same things that most people would...which is the act of sex.

Indulge your kinks...or discover a few and all from the privacy of your own home.

Jos said...

Come to think of it. . .I have never been to a porn store. My husband has a few porn vids, which are very nice. Just straight up sex, no silly plot lines.

Homework should be a piece of cake! I'm in NY!!!!!!

NotCarrie said...

I don't think porn is a perv-like thing. I just don't understand how watching some of those ridiculous, plotless videos could be enjoyable.

Irish Red said...

If you're not with someone - doesnt it just make you frustrated?

NotSamantha said...

NC - Porn is in the eye of the beholder. You get out of it what you will. So basically, whatever makes you hot. I thrive on the visual so PORN in its many forms *mainly video* appeals. When I look at it I'm not looking for plot or for deeper meaning I'm looking for sexual satisfaction, which it helps to both stimulate and provide.

IrishRed - I do get frustrated sometimes, but it just makes me more determined to get out there and find someone to watch it with.

pornstudent said...

I like the DVDs to have a good video quality. On compilations where they try to get six hours of video on one disk I think the movies have been compressed too much.

The Glitterati said...

Oh, I am such a nerd. I like porn stories. Like, as in, erotic fiction. Literotica.com, baby. (And yes, often I just skip to the sex parts, unless the author is really really talented.)

NotCarrie said...

Well, I guess my "porn" isn't porn then. I'd rather just watch Troy. Or Fight Club.

NotCharlotte said...

I don't really watch porn by myself. Unless it's artsy and German.

I do think I would watch it with a significant other though.

Chuckles said...

"Artsy and German"

That is the first and probably the last time I have heard anyone use those two words together.

NotCharlotte said...

Oh Chuckles, it won't be the last.

You're just not "in" on German pop culture...

4 of Hearts said...

No plots are the best, if they try and incorporate a plot it is unbearable. The pornstars are bad actors and trying to put in a plot is rediculuous. Let's face they are in porn for only a few reasons - great bodies, most are highly attractive, love to have sex and probably have few other talents or discipline. I have never watched a porn from beginning to end. It is used as a device for being aroused and enhancing sex with a partner! Fantasies!