Nothing is easy. This is the message I was continually knocked up side the head with last week. Nothing is easy, especially when it comes to relationships.
The deliverers of this harbinger of "be prepared" were none other than friends, coworkers, and, of course, The Last Kiss. Here I am, crushing along, when I hear that NotBride has been separated from her husband for 2 months and is already in couple's therapy. This is a dear friend whose wedding I attended in June and whose wedding video I was still editing. They seemed so in love, so right. Then there was NotRed, who just returned to work after having her second child. She works some nights with me at the bookstore. One evening after her husband called, she filled me in on what exactly he was always calling about. He was freaking out because he just can't handle the baby. He was sobbing about how he couldn't handle it and was tempted to drop the baby with a neighbor and just start walking. He said the tike was going to give him a heart attack. He demanded NotRed quit her job despite the fact that it puts food on the table.
Both these stories made my heart hurt. Why is love, along with so many other things in life, so painful? Shouldn't something so grand eventually get easy? For fuck's sake, we spend enough time second guessing ourselves and primping that we deserve something to go smoothly! To top it off, the two silly cunts (myself and NotCharlotte) took themselves to see The Last Kiss this past Friday. I don't want to give anything away, but holy hell. Is someone trying to send me a message? I was ready to walk out mid movie and drown my sorrows in a nice merlot. Instead, I stuck around and saw the light.
The (en)light(enment)? Nothing is easy, especially relationships. If they're worth it, then you fight for it. You sacrifice and maybe even give a little of yourself. Sigh.
14 comments:
Love is often equivalent to sacrifice. You will really experience that when you have children. The key is to find some balance where you don't give up too much of who you are and what makes you happy in order to make love work. But, simplistically put, love is work a lot of the time. We think when we are young that love is a feeling, but I've learned as a parent that it's an action. It's the things I do, when I really don't feel like it or would prefer to do something else, that really show that I love someone. It's holding tough in the bad times, as well as coasting along in the good times. I am starting to believe that the bad times, not the good times, are what really define our relationships and determine whether they are worth keeping, or not.
The bad times, by the way, are going to happen. They're part of life. Love is holding on through them, when sometimes you'd really rather start walking.
But how do you know? When is it right to stay and when does walking away become the right thing to do? I mean, there must be some point where you realize that loving a person just isn't enough.
I have a friend who has been in love with the same guy for 3 or 4 years now (it's not me, I swear. I am still idealistically gaga over here). They've never been in a relationship proper (loooonnng story), and now they're separated by a country. She still loves him, and he says he loves her. On paper though, the things he's put her through are just heartbreaking, and the smart thing seems to be to walk away. Now this is a very smart, strong girl who I respect deeply -- she's been through a lot of bad shit in life and come out on top. So I try to understand when she says that she loves him too much let go, but ... I mean, she can't spend the rest of her life miserable and alone!
Sorry for the long comment. I guess I just want to ask those of you who have been through this -- how do you know when enough is enough? (Aside from physical or emotional abuse, which is pretty much the ultimate relationship ender in my eyes)
If it were easy, they wouldn't call it "falling" in love...they'd call it "breathing" in love or "walking" in love or "buying shoes on sale" in love or anything else that comes easily and naturally.
This is why I think all couples should live together before they get married.
yes yes.. live together before you get married.. FOR A YEAR. At least date a year... oh my God do people "change" within that time frame.
reasons to fall in love:
#1. hes hot.
#2. hes got a big sausage.
#3. according to hollywood movies, love is The Bomb.
#4. its a good challenge, aka not boring, aka exciting.
#5. better than a dog, cuz u can take him everywhere and still get laid at night (see #2).
what do i win??
Being in a relationship isn't easy and two people should never take each other for granted.
But, it shouldn't be a struggle to work at a marriage, or a non-marriage relationship. A certain easiness should be there.
And also generosity is needed in terms of allowing the other person to have their "me" time especially when kids are involved.
And when kids are involved, it's sooo important for both parents to have a hand in the childcare. They can adopt different responsibilities if one is better at diaper changing, etc.
Most of all, you have to LIKE the person you're with. Would you be friends with the person you're with? Some people wouldn't be a friend to their significant-other if there was no sexual attraction pulling them together because sexual attraction makes an otherwise incompatible personality seem so much easier to tolerate; whereas if there was no sexual attraction, there may not be any compatibility even if just as friends.
Did that make sense?
I don't know how i felt about "The Last Kiss."
The storyline reminded me of short stories that people in my Creative Fiction class wrote last semester. And that is NOT a compliment.
I'm glad my Zachy didn't write this one...
The side characters were HOT though! Manohman.
Glitterati,
I'm currently seeing a marriage counselor because I lost a connection with my husband that slowly occured over many years.
I thought I had enough and was counting on leaving, but with through counseling, we told each other what was missing and now we're giving it to each other.
I don't know if we'll last, but for now I feel like staying and seeing if our efforts are sustainable.
You never know when enough is enough for sure. If the guy is a good guy like my husband, it makes it that much harder to know when enough is enough.
If the guy is an asshole, then it makes it that much easier to decide.
Best advice I've heard this year.
In life, love and everything else just about you have two choices...one is easy and the only reward is that its easy. The good stuff that we really want, we have to work for.
I think it also helps for people not to enter semi-permanency in relationship situations they know they don't want to be in. But then, being alone and not being afraid to be alone takes a lot of balls.
I actually really liked The Last Kiss. I mean, yes, it was depressing but very true to my late twenties. The best part was afterwards when these three college girls in the bathroom were like "Wow. That movie was depressing. You can tell they totally exaggerated the plotline." And I wanted to be like, "Uhhhh...ladies, let me introduce you to the blogosphere."
I am way too much of an idealist when it comes to love and relationships. I know, in part, that this is why I'm still single. I'm waiting for something that just doesn't exist -- well it does, but only in fairy tales. I don't want to settle -- I want perfection. But who am I to say that? I'm certainly not perfect. Love, or rather, partnership, DOES take work. I guess I have to accept that.
Thanks everyone for their insight. Maybe with time, my friend will realize that painful as it is, moving on might be the best route. I don't think the guy is an asshole per se, just really messed up. My friend deserves better.
I wish I had something clever and articulate to say about this...but I don't. Love's a bitch. I'm in it right now and it's certainly no walk in the park. I had no idea relationships were so bloody hard.
Yet, I wouldnt trade what I have for the world. I just have to accept what NotSamantha says:
you have two choices...one is easy and the only reward is that its easy. The good stuff that we really want, we have to work for.
How right you are.
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