Wednesday, September 13, 2006

You Can Bring Me Flowers

NotCharlotte has been incredibly busy lately.

School, work, e-dating.

Wait, what? Yeah, that's right. I've got some online boos courting me.

I decided to jumpstart my man-kharma by joining online dating sites. I have found in the past that once I create a profile (which includes the bare minimum of facts that include my love for all things that light up, the color pink, cupcakes, and music of the indie-snob fare), men in my "real" life pop out from nowhere and problem solved. This happened a few months ago when I started dating NotMarine. That didn't work out, but then NotElvis appeared. This whole NotElvis thing is not working out, so Match.com became very appealing to me. Especially once I found that there was a 3 day trial that didn't cost anything!

I didn't really think much of it and went on my merry way.
The next morning I woke up and discovered that I had been "winked" at. How 1950s! I quickly checked out the profiles of potential shaggers and discovered that out of 12 men, 3 of them seemed interesting enough to take me out on a date.

Long story short, I started instant messaging all three of them. One, NotADD, didn't make the cut after every other word out of his mouth was misspelled and describing to me his love for auto repair and getting his associates in Business so he can open up a car detailing shop with his friend.

Then there's the other two. NotSmart and NotEmo.
The first is a 26 year old graduate from NotCornell with a Masters degree and a job that sends him out to exotic locations... like San Antonio. He's got a great head on his shoulders, has got great taste in music, and gets my sense of humor. Problems: He LOVES sports and is a vegetarian. I can do the vegetarianism, it's not like i live for beef, but the sports thing? Meh.
The second one is a 23 year old indie-liberal who works in the public service. He and I have fantastic conversations about music and movies. He likes comic books and we've spoken on the phone pretty much every day. Problems: he's a bit moody (EMO) and he's an athiest. While I'm not necessarily religious, I'm fairly spiritual. We haven't gotten to that part in our conversations yet, so I'm not going to pass judgement.

When I type this out, it seems like I've already made up my mind about who I like better. I have tentative plans to meet both of them (at separate times/locations, of course. I'm not THAT good) but I'm still hesitant about it. I have never dated two men at once! How do I go about doing this? I'm afraid that I'll start a conversation with one that I had already begun with the other and have to save my ass when they're confused about what we're discussing!

Have any of you had good/bad experiences with online dating? How about dating multiple partners at once? Any insight at all would be wonderful!

33 comments:

jo said...

well since it's only the beginning for both of 'em, i say don't start worrying too much bout having to juggle too many boys at the same time. i'm sure it'll be fine. heck i think it'll be fun. go ahead and have fun... and then blog bout it haha!

i've never tried online dating. sure i've had profiles up before but was too shy to put up a pic and you know how no one wants to wink at you if you don't have a pic. i did meet up with one online guy. he managed to find me through guessing my email addy. he turned out to be cool and we were sorta friends. a few years he married a girl who had the same name and age as me. too weird.

hagrin said...

A 26 year old from Cornell? Wtf, did you find my profile? Weird, I wonder if I know NotCornell.

The scoop on Cornell guys is that they are generally way more down-to-Earth than Cornell girls and are generally good catches. However, almost all of them are eccentric or obsessive compulsive in some aspect so be on the lookout for that. If his is sports, there are worse things trust me. My ex learned to deal with my sports obsessions and my working out incessantly and she despised sports to the nth degree before she met me.

Shannon said...

Haha, Hagrin, you sound like my brother-in-law (Cornell grad). Are you also Type A with a bad temper?


NC,
I wouldn't worry about getting conversations mixed up :) And think of it as multi-tasking. Instead of spending weeks getting to know a person only to find out he's not compatible, and then moving on to the next, you've wasted a relatively big chunk of your dating life.

Now, by going out on two dates practically at once, you can find out who's compatible in a much shorter amount of time.

But, if they're both compatible, we'll have a vote on who you should date :)

Sandra Dee said...

Have I had some bad experiences?

http://sandradeedates.blogspot.com/2006/08/i-am-only-asking-for-one-thing.html#links

I'll let you be the judge. :)

jordan said...

You can absolutely 'date' two guys at once.. but you're not really dating them. You're simply meeting people. Have fun and enjoy it. I'll have some posts concerning match.com coming up soon... oh boy.

Judy said...

I've dated two guys at the same time. I felt a bit duplicituous, because my life is pretty much an open book to those around me. But my friends encouraged me to see both guys and figure out which one I liked better. Ilearned a few things.

I met both in real-time, so both were the geting-to-know you stages. I had no problem with mixing up conversations with the two guys- like your two, both had entirely different tastes. It will be easier meeting once you meet both in person.

I also decided while dating two guys at once, I wasn't going to sleep with either one of them. And, like you, it was clear to me at the beginning, that I liked Bachelor #1 significantly better than the Bachelor #2. (Who you like better could change once you meet them both in person and discover if there's any real chemistry. As a veteran of online dating as well, I know that even if a guy gives great email, there always a chance that there might not be chemistry in person.)

So my tips:
1) You don't have to tell guys are you dating around unless asked. Just make the assumption that they are dating around because you are. But if you are asked, be honest in your answers but also kind.

2) Be careful about who you sleep with in these situations. It makes it harder to process your feelings for both guys if you are casually sleeping with both. But have fun making out.

NotCharlotte said...

Jo- I used to be nervous about online dating, Hell I still am! I'm just afraid that someone I know in real life will see my profile and be like "omg, why is SHE on here?" ha

Hagrin- In my case, NotCornell IS not Cornell... I don't like to give too much evidence as to who I am talking about, just in case they read my blog ;-) And good insight on the sport thing!

Shannon- The voting thing is SUCH a good idea!!

Sandra- I was cracking UP at your posts! haha... so how is this current guy doing?

Jordan- I can't wait to read about them!

Judy- Thanks for the good advice... there IS nothing wrong with making out :-)

hagrin said...

@shannon -

Hahahahaha, you know the type I see? :) I'm Type A to the extreme in some senses - especially when it comes to work and running. As for the temper, I'm Irish so I can't help it, but I'm much more mellow now since I have taken up marathon running since it requires patience and pace.

But you have the type pegged almost perfectly - scary.

hagrin said...

@notcharlotte -

Yeah, as long as he compromises in the opposite direction, you'll find his sports tolerable. For instance, for NotWifey's patience in dealing with me during basketball season, I would watch such movies as Mona Lisa Smiles *shivers* and The Notebook *sniffle*. As long as there is compromise, a sports obsession could be overlooked.

Shannon said...

Maybe I should suggest to my BIL to take up marathoning. Although he's prone to injuries and he might pull a hamstring and that might piss him off.....

Sex & Moxie said...

While I encourage people to keep an open mind and try every option, I find online dating to be a collosal waste of time.

The guys aren't all that commited, hence the "winks." They don't want to pay for a full membership, so they post a profile and either send winks or (on lavalife) send collect calls.

Then, there's the whole picture issue. Men and women are equally guilty on this one. I've done online profile writing for people or reviewed profiles and I had to do some research on Match.com. I was shocked at how many people use their "best" (aka "from five years ago") photo as their primary shot, then if you sift through the others you see the "now" shot. 20 pounds heavier, less hair, whatever. I swear I've seen profiles of guys who were on when I first tried onlien dating 5 years ago. Same pictures, too.

I think it's a fun way to fill your social calendar with dates but I'd go into it with moderate to low expectations. There's no accountability online. You're sinple an e-mail address to someone. Because of that, people don't fele obligated to treat you with courtesy. They'll make dates and not show up, just stop e-mailing you, create a persona that the polar opposite of who they really are.

I don't mean to pee in your oatmeal. It's just that I've heard more negative stories about Online dating than positive ones.

emma said...

I absolutely LOVE online dating. It's just like online shopping -- you can find exactly the man you want, while wearing pajamas!

clemmy said...

I found my boyfriend through online dating, and we're on our 9th month of dating.

I attribute it to two things: optimism and persistance.

I didn't accept winks at all. I also never responded to profiles without pictures. (If you don't know how to post a pic by now, you're retarded. And if you're too self-concious about your looks then I don't want you anyway.)

When I got responses, I made sure to casually ask how old the picture was. But still, you get liars who say they're 32 and then when you meet them they're obviously in their 40's.

Yeah, you meet lots of losers, and you have to sort through a lot of BS, but that's how dating OFFline is, right?

JessicaRabbit said...

My experience with online dating has been mixed. There have been great dates, bad dates, the freaks and the weirdos. But that's just life, right? Out of about 20 guys I have only been on dates with 5 of them since with the rest it was kind of obvious that it wasn't going to work because the conversation was awful, we had nothing in common or they clearly did not have the same expectations.
I haven't really had a problem trying to keep the conversations seperate, like someone else said once you meet it will be easier. However what was a problem was having one of the other guys call me while I was on a date with someone else. We were making dinner at my place and I had no choice but to answer and tell him I was busy.

jordan said...

haha @ Emma!! That is so true.. you can totally shop for dates in your jammies. Now where else can you do that? Of course there are bad stories from match.com or the other sites, but you have to take all fo that with a grain of salt. For every 100 profiles (men) there is bound to be 5 out of them that are truthful. You have to be more persistent and learn to decipher the bs'ers.
I'm currently working on a match.this and match.that series on my blog.

LeighAnn said...

Well, you have a dilema, don't you! :-)

Dan said...

So before I get slammed, truthiness in online dating is why I put together relationslip.com, which mind you has gone nowhere because people don't seem to be that into tattling on others, or just because word hasn't gotten out.

As for my opinion, women have it so much easier than men with online dating. Put up a pic and you get hundreds of responses. Women just don't seem to have the cahones to do anything.

So basically, now, I just stalk people through their blog.

Senor Beavis said...

"Yeah, you meet lots of losers, and you have to sort through a lot of BS, but that's how dating OFFline is, right?"

Word, Clemmy!

The couple times I've tried it, it was tricky for me talking to multiple people and not feeling guilty, I think because that's just the way I am. But yeah, you have no obligation to anyone without ever having met. At least for me, if I'd talk to a handful, one would tend to emerge after a while. And even when it doesn't "work out," sometimes it still does. I actually met my best female friend through online dating.

Also, as far as a guy's atheism being a potential dealbreaker, it's a two-way street. If he's the kind who's like, "All people who believe in God or whatever are stupid and full of crap," then maybe so. If he's like me, and would say, "I have no problem with those who are spiritual. I'm just not myself," that shouldn't be a problem. Unless you're the type who'd say, "All atheists are stupid and full of crap." Which I'd hope you're not. I don't really see my not believing as much different than my girlfriend not liking football, but that's just me. :)

NotCarrie said...

The only time I've met someone from online was from Friendster (awww, pre-Myspace!) and he declared his love for me and got weird so I had to drop him fast.

Oh, and the makeoutclub.com guy who I made out with, but I didn't meet him first, my friend did...I just "technically" met him on AIM first.

Anyway, I was on the onion site for awhile, but once I saw an old friend on there I deleted my account (I think? Maybe I hid it). Plus, I always forgot to check it bc I knew I'd never want to go through the time to talk to them.

NewYorkMoments said...

I've done loads of on-line dating. It's been interesting. Dating two men at a time is time consuming and you really have to be on your toes lest you mix them up. (you'd be surprised how easy it is.) But it can be fun.

Lost said...

I'm LOL at Sex & Moxie's comment b/c I have to say I sort of agree with her. I've been an online dater for some time. Yes, I've got a blog all about it too......

http://hellogirl.blogs.com

It's hit or miss....more often time more miss. It's a good way to just continually go out on a date here and there, but it's really just one step up from meeting someone on the street, except they've attempted at sharing something a bit more about themselves.

I think everyone has done it at some point these days, it can't hurt. While my time doing it, haven't been truly successful, it's an experience. And oh yeah....except a lot of doofuses!

NotCarrie said...

Everytime I see the title of this post I get Barbra Streisand in my head:(

Lindsey said...

Oh I can't wait to hear about these dates!!!!

I'm so excited/nervous for you.

the glitterati said...

Oh, I've had mostly marvelous experiences with online dating. I'm all for it!

I had never dated 2 guys at once either until very recently. I had to tell BoyA about BoyB when I started sleeping with BoyA, because I didn't want there to be any misunderstandings with BoyA. But up until that point, I didn't owe anyone any explanations.

I think Judy's got it right. Honesty is important, but too much disclosure may not be smart. It's not too difficult to keep conversations and life histories apart, especially since your 2 men seem rather different.

Also agree that sex definitely confuses things, but it doesn't have to be disastrous. You just have to be weary of the Chemical Romance masking true feelings. Of course, if you're a paranoid Psyc student, your fear of the Chemical Romance masking true feelings can mask the true feelings themselves. Confused yet? Yeah, I was too.

Incidentally, my (currently on hiatus) blog chronicles my online dating adventures, if you're looking for some related reading material.

Anyway, I hope you have a tremendously fun time with this, and meet lots of nice interesting men. Keep us posted!

emma said...

@Dan: I'll make sure to link to your site! It looks good!

Butterfly said...

Hi, the only thing I'd warn about is to not prejudge until you meet them. Often, what you think is chemistry is a possible stalker when you meet them. Tone is too interpretive over email. Meet them for a coffee early in the piece to sort out the tone of their conversations? I used to find that telling them you'd prefer to get to know someone as a person before considering flirting or anything, makes sure you don't end up on a relationship fasttrack with someone who you've only emailed, who could end up being a bit of a toad in real life.

jordan said...

Right on Butterfly... it's too easy to get lost into something that at this time is only email / phone.. you could be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.. a quick meeting over coffee(yuck) is always the best.

NotCharlotte said...

Wow, so much to say!

Hagrin: The compromise is definitely a good plan. Though I'm really sorry you had to watch "The Notebook"

Sex & Moxie: Thanks for the advice. I think I'm beyond the "winks" and pictures thing though... I've talked on the phone with both of them and we've gotten past the whole "what's your favorite movie" line thing.

Emma: I think you hit the nail on the head perfectly!!!

Clemmy: Thanks for the optimistic story :-) Congratulations! How was your first meeting? Was it awkward or did you just "know"?

Jessica: Yeah, right now it's a bit tough handling the both, especially since they both like to text/ talk on the phone. I do think I'm turning more towards the other one now though...

Leighann: I definitely do!! After this weekend it's become worse!!

Dan: Actually, I winked at one of these lucky men. The other one winked at me, but I was the first to email him. Hah! :-)

Beavis: Good insight, I didn't even think about the other "side" to Atheism.

NotCarrie: Aww... Friendster...

Linny: You guys will be the first ones to know about my dates!

I think people are just at different stages of comfort when it comes to online dating. I'm not 100% comfortable about it, but it's better than meeting men at a bar, that's for sure!

Karinaxoxo said...

You can date two guys as once. As long as you don't double book. (I just watched the episode of SATC where Charlotte double books and the first date ends up bumping into her and the 2nd date!!!)

Spill The Beans said...

I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED online dating. Loved it. But, I only had a profile up for a brief period of time before I took it down, then I was just a member, so I could take the initiative and message guys, but I didn't have to wade through tons of crap from people who were totally not dateable. I went out with like 12 guys from an online service over a 4 month period, and of those, probably 6 were keepers (not for me, but for someone). That's also how I met my current boyfriend, though we met on nerve.com. Of all the personals, I like nerve.com the best. Match had the weirdest guys on it, and they were the most likely to be serial internet daters (the guys who have profiles for YEARS online and never seem to settle down with anyone).

clemmy said...

@NotCharlotte: Thanks! Well, waiting for him at the Coffee Bean was a little awkward...But once he walked up and we started talking we clicked right away. I think you can tell pretty immediately when you've found a great prospect. ;-)

I don't believe in love at first sight, but the chemical connection was there immediately. I had been on lots of blind dates before, and I could tell this one was different.

Anonymous said...

I found there is the porn that you watch with friends and the pron that you watch by yourself. there is a great difference in the two. One is just the weirdest stuff you can find and the other requires lube.

Dawn said...

i've had bad luck with online dating. i've made a few friends along the way, which is the only positive. otherwise, i'll get along with someone via email and the phone, but when i meet them we have NO chemistry. AND, for the first time i met a guy online i'm actually interested in and he hasn't called. go figure!