Wednesday, December 13, 2006

What Makes It A Date?

Have you ever gone out with someone of the opposite sex* and not been sure if it was a date or not? Now, this hasn’t happened to me recently (as far as I know), but recent events got me thinking about it. My friends and I tease all the time about an evening being a date if someone pays for the other or if the male and female sit on the same side of the table. Obviously, these are ludicrous qualifiers for what makes it a date, but what does make it a date?

It’s not exactly customary to request one’s company by saying, “Would you like to spend an evening with me? I have romantic intentions for you.” Sure, it would make for a less ambiguous time, but invitations just don’t go like that. At least, none that I have received. A male friend of mine recently was invited out by a woman and was unsure if the night out was one of old friends or one where a goodnight kiss was expected and hoped for. How was he to have known? Yeah, there are signs to be seen during the evening, like positive body language or eyefucking**, but it’s not always obvious when the question is posed.

I wrote once about going on a non-date with my guy friend and how, from the outside, it looked like we were on a real date. We both knew, though, that we were just hanging out. Another time, years ago, a guy friend of mine invited me out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Looking back, I should have known better, but he told me that he had a coupon and needed to use it by its expiration date. Does this sound like a date invitation to you? The night really is material for a blog in itself, but the evening that I thought was just about friends taking advantage of using a coupon turned into him trying to stroke the back of my neck and convince me to come inside.

Whoa, awkward.

So how does a person know when it’s a date and when it’s just two people hanging out as friends? One thing I do know (get ready for shameless plug) is that all dates won in our CHARITY AUCTION (see button in the sidebar to the right), will be properly clarified before they happen.


*Or same sex, if you swing that way.
**I stole that from the lovely Barmaid.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

I "went out" one night with a gal I knew for about a year - previous interactions were friendly, occassionally flirtatious, and contained conversations about everything. And the evening out occurred during one of two free nights I had when I was home briefly from Kabul and the dress she wore was...well....killer. So, didn't know it was a date before, was confused during, and ended up just asking if it was right before it would have gotten to that awkward moment of "do I kiss or not?"

She didn't say no but avoided the question.

Never heard or saw her again.

Lesson learned: Don't ask.

The Retropolitan said...

I usually just wear a t-shirt that says "I Heart Barry White."

Women seem to pick up on that.

Anonymous said...

First and foremost, love the aution idea. Pretty cool! Unfortunately, I can't quite participate as that would spell trouble for me at home. lol!

What makes it a date? Hmmmm. . .When he asks you to come see him. . .at an away location in a hotel room with a hot tub. . .and you thought you were just best friends since high school.

Anonymous said...

First and foremost, love the aution idea. Pretty cool! Unfortunately, I can't quite participate as that would spell trouble for me at home. lol!

What makes it a date? Hmmmm. . .When he asks you to come see him. . .at an away location in a hotel room with a hot tub. . .and you thought you were just best friends since high school.

Anonymous said...

Blogger sucks today! My comment did not make it. . .trying again.

I believe that it is a date when your best friend from high school invites you out to see him. . .in a hotel room with a hot tub. . .lol

On anoter note, would love to particate in your auction, but that would spell trouble for me at home:(

Anonymous said...

Blogger is pissing me off tonight! My THIRD attempt at leaving a comment. Here we go:

First and foremost, the aution idea is fabulous; but I cannot participate. It would make things "interesting" here at home.

What makes it a date? Hmmm. . . When your best friend since high school asks you to meet him at a hotel room in an out of the way location. . .

Anonymous said...

Apologies for the multiple posts, I suppose it was blogger or me (the idiot).

Sorry!

NotCarrie said...

Jos- That cracked me up!

NotCarrie said...

I'm going to make a shirt that says, "JUST FUCKING KISS ME ALREADY!" and wear it at choice times.

The Retropolitan said...

Are choice times when the other person is wearing a "I Heart Barry White" t-shirt?

Because that would make perfect sense

Miss Syl said...

Or you could try my bloggin' compatriotDarkneuro's t-shirt approach. It worked for her.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if there's a good answer to this question, but maybe it's just because I've always had too many guy friends that I've been attracted to somewhere along the way and entered into that gray area.

One time I went out for a dinner and movie with a guy friend from work. I obviously thought that it wasn't a date, since I had a boyfriend. But he paid for dinner. Then I started talking about my bf, and he looked incredulously at me from across the table and exclaimed, "You have a boyfriend?"

Oops. I swear though, I had definitely discussed the bf at work.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if there's a good answer to this question, but maybe it's just because I've always had too many guy friends that I've been attracted to somewhere along the way and entered into that gray area.

One time I went out for a dinner and movie with a guy friend from work. I obviously thought that it wasn't a date, since I had a boyfriend. But he paid for dinner. Then I started talking about my bf, and he looked incredulously at me from across the table and exclaimed, "You have a boyfriend?"

Oops. I swear though, I had definitely discussed the bf at work.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if there's a good answer to this question, but maybe it's just because I've always had too many guy friends that I've been attracted to somewhere along the way and entered into that gray area.

One time I went out for a dinner and movie with a guy friend from work. I obviously thought that it wasn't a date, since I had a boyfriend. But he paid for dinner. Then I started talking about my bf, and he looked incredulously at me from across the table and exclaimed, "You have a boyfriend?"

Oops. I swear though, I had definitely discussed the bf at work.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if there's a good answer to this question, but maybe it's just because I've always had too many guy friends that I've been attracted to somewhere along the way and entered into that gray area.

One time I went out for a dinner and movie with a guy friend from work. I obviously thought that it wasn't a date, since I had a boyfriend. But he paid for dinner. Then I started talking about my bf, and he looked incredulously at me from across the table and exclaimed, "You have a boyfriend?"

Oops. I swear though, I had definitely discussed the bf at work.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if there's a good answer to this question, but maybe it's just because I've always had too many guy friends that I've been attracted to somewhere along the way and entered into that gray area.

One time I went out for a dinner and movie with a guy friend from work. I obviously thought that it wasn't a date, since I had a boyfriend. But he paid for dinner. Then I started talking about my bf, and he looked incredulously at me from across the table and exclaimed, "You have a boyfriend?"

Oops. I swear though, I had definitely discussed the bf at work.

Churlita said...

I Would be the last person to know the answer to that question. Apparently, I am incapable of reading men. It seems like any time I think a guy just wants to be friends, I hurt his feelings by playfully punching him in the arm at the end of the night and anytime I think a guy is totally into me, I get a sterile handshake for my time. Maybe I should just start going with the opposite of what my gut is telling me.

Sex & Moxie said...

I think if you have to ask yourself if it's a date, then it's not a date.

Cheryl said...

I totally had a non-date date a month ago. And I'm sorry but if you are a guy and you ask a single female over the age of 12 to do something...it's a date! Anyway, he didn't act like it was a date at all, and actually antagonized me. I was completely confused by this behavior, but luckily, not into him anyway.

NotMiranda said...

I can't even begin to tell you how confusing this can be. In the end, though, I might have to agree with Sex & Moxie. It's safer on the heart to feel that way.

So, Cheryl, if you kiss, is it still not a date?

hagrin said...

@NotCarrie -

Sent the idea to my tee shirt maker buddy - he's all over that although we're going to drop the F bomb. :)

Anonymous said...

If a guy and I are friends and he asks me to do something (nice dinner, play, etc.), I've always assumed it's not a date. But my experience has been that guys usually think it is a date even if it seems clear to me that it isn't, so I now obsess a bit when my guy friends ask me to do something because I'm afraid they think it's something more than two friends hanging out.

Wouldn't a note with boxes marked yes and no be easier?

Carrie M said...

notcarrie, i'd like to buy in on one of those t-shirts.

i agree with sex and moxie, but i also think that this is serious gray area.

god forbid anything be clear.

Cheryl said...

notmiranda, I don't know. He didn't kiss me. He didn't try. He didn't lay a hand on me.

Hence, my calling it a non-date date, and all the confusion. Non-date based on behavior, date based on my aforementioned rule.

NotCarrie said...

But what if you're not sure if it's a date and he DOES think it's a date, but he's unsure about going in for a kiss and is waiting for a sign from you. But you don't know if it's a date so you're not going to give any signs, right?


Oy! Such ambiguity!

NotCarrie said...

"It doesn't mean we're girlfriend/boyfriend." ~Taylor


TELL ME SOMEONE ELSE CAUGHT THAT!

Anonymous said...

If we flirt a lot, we're both single, and I'm interested, I usually assume it's a date and act accordingly. If one of those factors isn't there, I don't. I tend to adjust my opinion while on the psuedo-date depending on the signals.

I want a T-shirt that says "You're fucking getting kissed tonight. Enjoy it."

Janet said...

Good question! I'm gonna go with Moxie--if you're not sure, it's not a date. I'd say both parties need to agree that it's a date for it to be a date. But, whoa, awkward.

NotCarrie said...

LMNT- That's one hott shirt. Seriously.

Senor Beavis said...

I probably shouldn't tell people this, but y'all brought it up with the shirts. If I'm on a first date with someone I really like, I will often wear my KISS (the band) t-shirt under whatever I'm wearing in hopes it will help my karma.

Anonymous said...

Glad you like it. It's a good frame of mind to have on a date when I like her.

NotCarrie said...

Senor Beavis- That is not only genius, but is also the best thing I have heard all day...or week even.

Now, where to get my own KISS shirt.

Anonymous said...

Good question!

I just told a guy the other day "I'd love for you to take me out sometime"

He replied by saying "I'd love that - I'll contact you tomorrow"

If he's not clear that's going to be a date.. well.. he's a bit daft!

Anonymous said...

i could have sworn that i commented to this... but i can't find it here... either that or i'm blind haha!

i have no idea what is a date. in fact i don't even like that word. so i just like to pretend it's just 2 friends hanging out.

Anonymous said...

Maybe upon sitting down--we just aske "is this is date?" If it could be that easy. The awkward part is that most of the time--one person is hoping that he/she is on a date while the other is probably thinking "I hope he/she knows this is not a date"--

I've been guilty of both sides of that one

NotCarrie said...

I don't know if I could do that, Black Sage. I'd be too scared of the "rejection."

Anonymous said...

LMAO--Yes notcarrie that "rejection" is a B**ch!!! But there is a power in knowing what you are dealing...even if you don't like it.