Thursday, October 26, 2006

I let my fingers do the walking...

Disclaimer: This post is not for those faint of sex. Meaning if you are in any shape, form or fashion squicked at the idea of anything sexual...first, why are you reading this blog and second you may want to duck and cover.

I consider myself a sexual creature by nature. I like the idea of sex. The idea of bodies sliding against each other, the thought of long slow kisses that lead to being caught between a wall and a hard place and you're not doing it right if you haven't broken a sweat by the time you're done. So why this post you may ask...why the homage to sex with two people when I am clearly single...? Because no one else seems to be willing to broach the topic of masturbation.

Call it what you like, but getting down and dirty with yourself can be just as sexually satisfying as getting it on with someone else. In some cases you know exactly where to touch, what will send you flying and where the "no spot" lies (the "no spot" for those of you playing our home game is that spot that will kill your quality time with yourself quick, equate it with having your worst sexual partner enter that fantasy you had of Brad Pitt or Dr. McDreamy).

But while polite society can talk about all manners of sex with someone else, they've forgotten that some of the best sex we have is with ourselves and some had a slight sexual awakening beneath the sheets when a hand brushed a nipple *yeah I said the "n" word* or near the clit *gasp the "c" word too!* in the tossing and turning at night.

The other side benefit of masturbation is that you can teach your lover your favorite spots as well. Hey, not everyone is a porn star the first time they jump into the sack. You have to learn somewhere, and if you're not willing to test out your sexual responses by yourself to at least know what you don't like, then you have no reason to complain when someone does something you don't like, especially if you're not willing to voice your dislike.

To play the sex card, its more readily accepted that men will masturbate, despite detractors and "hairy palm" rumors, its easier to understand that men will "shake hands with the president," "wag the dog", "drain the lizard" Edit - I've just been told I've given euphemisms for I replace them with "choking the chicken", "hands on training" and any of a host of other euphemisms for masturbating, instead of women. I grew up hearing from my male friends how many times they could get it up and then set it off over a weekend, or if they had had time to get 'r done (sorry NotCarrie I couldn't resist) before school that morning. I have to ask...what about women? Why aren't we laughing about how long it took us to get there? or if multiple O's almost made us late for class/work?

I suggest breaking some new ground here and now. Ladies make your mark on yourself. Make masturbation a part of your sexual education. Even if you're not prepared to talk about it as boldly as I am. Let your fingers do the walking...and maybe even some talking, as they tell you things about yourself and your sexuality you probably never knew.

Have a good walk.


Dan said...

My thoughts exactly.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Ohhhh yeah! Yes, you laydeeez need to be talking about this stuff more often. WAY more often. The reason most guys don't read chick blogs is because you talk about girlie stuff like shoe shopping and your ovaries. But posts like THIS, I can get into.

And ummmm...maybe more pics on the site during posts like this would be helpful. You know, so we know what parts y'all are talkin' bout.

Anonymous said...

Yes! I just put fresh batteries in last night! Grin :)

It just goes back to that sexual double standard. Guys are supposed to be sexually active, etc. Girls - talk about it and you're labled with a scarlett A on your chest!

So not fair!

NotCarrie said...

The moment there are pictures indicating parts on this blog, I'm out.

(Unless they're from biology textbooks or something...but even then-wtf.)

Ryane said...

Amen. My girlfriends and I talk about the big "M"...and why shouldn't we?? Not all of us are married and even so--the married ladies amongst us need to be in tune w/themselves, as well...

I have no interest in multiple one-night stands, yet I am very sexual and so...I made friends w/myself long ago. Who says being alone can't be exciting?? I know who--people who don't talk about masturbation...that's who..


Sex & Moxie said...

I love when a guy watches me masturbate and vice versa. We know we both do it so why not do it together and heighten the pleasure?

Chuckles said...

"wag the dog"
"drain the lizard"

Ok, neither of these are euphemisms for masturbating. Drain the Dragon/Lizard is fine for urination, but not appropriate for soloing. Even if you are thinking about urinating on someone.

Flog the donkey/dolphin or possibly even flub the chub.

As in, "Where's Bob?" "He's in his room flubbing the chub to pictures of Britney's Beers."

As for the topic itself, masturbation is never an equal to being with a partner in my opinion. That is a rationale we all use when we try to say that we are satisfied sexually when we are peeling the labels off of every bottle in sight.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to have to find something that plugs into a fricken wall because this replacing the battery crap is getting old....

allan said...

Chuckles is right, draining the lizard is a euphemism for urination.

For male masturbation, try the following:

Choking the chicken
Hands-on training
Flute solo
Jerk the gherkin
Devil's handshake
Pat the Robertson
Nerk your throbber
Play pocket pool

And, masturbation can be educational for men as well. Masturbation can be very useful for teaching guys to prolong ejaculation.

NotSamantha said...

Jordan, I just found the best new toy its on the site. Go here:,
Its a rechargeable vibe!

NotSamantha said...

Chuckles and Allan thanks for the new euphemisms for jerking off.

However, Chuckles, I think that masturbation can be just as enjoyable as being with another person. It doesn't mean that you are opposed to being with someone else, nor does it mean its an excuse for why you aren't with someone else, it just means you can enjoy yourself even without a partner. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Allan, I'm all for guys learning how to keep it up during sex. Most women can't come on command like in romance novels where both partners get off simultaneously. So its good that both men and women work to find out the best ways for them to satisfy each other, both alone and together.

NotCharlotte said...

"flute solo"


wow. that's a good one (obviously)

while we're on the euphamism comment... have any of you boys named your members?

Isabella Snow said...

No one else is willing to broach the subject of masturbation???

I (and others) blog about it constantly. ;)

Ms Smack said...

Great post. I've written about it too. More people should talk freely about menage a moi.

stephanie said...

My best friend when I'm single, or sometimes, even when I'm not, is my Rabbit.


Oh, and another euphamism?

Rubbing one out.

Great post.

Anonymous said...

My grandmother (seriously) would tell my gramps to go "crank the car"... which I thought he was out cranking some car? It turns out she called his stuff the "car" and her stuff the "garage"... when she didn't want to be bothered (which was often), she would say "go crank the car".

ewwww. grandpa!!

allan said...

nc: no naming here, but I have a funny story about that :)

Jos said...

I have been walking for a loooooong time!!! Me likey!

Shhhh. . .my back massager works miracles!


hagrin said...

I fully endorse this blog post.

Freckled K said...

Three words: Hitachi Magic Wand.

My skin doesn't get it's rosy glow from blush alone.

Seriously...those folks that manufactuer that godsend should put me in an informercial.