Kissing should be a sport. In honor of football season, I have decided to make it more relatable to the people that don't play/watch/care about football (me included).
I was thinking about this the other day as I went through my head all the times when I could have won many a competition based solely upon my lips touching skin of the male persuasion.
I mean honestly, there are so many reasons why this is comparable to football:
1. There's bodily contact. Granted, there are no pileups (unless you were us, last weekend, however not all at once mind you) and the only marks you get are from over-exuberant sucky noises and one or two bite/whip marks (whichever you prefer).
2. Physical stamina is required. Making out for long periods of time probably burns the same amount of calories as kicking a field goal.
3. Kissing has quarters, or Halftime. You start kissing, it goes further, you stop to catch your breath, then you continue on until the end of the play.
4. If we were to score kissing, it would be broken down into three significant parts:
a. "Touchdown," or as I'd like to call it, SCORE! This may sound like an obvious one, however several factors come into play here. There's technique of the score. The time it took to reach this score (long or short, actually depends on the type of competition- quick or slow...). And there's also the level of difficulty in movements, which though it sounds like gymnastics, is not. There are moves in football (i'm sure of it), so there can be moves in Kissing.
b. "Field Goal," which consists of creative ways that the end goal is reached. Anything besides penetration (yes, I said penetration. I'm tempted to use other, more graphic words to describe things but in all honesty I'm tired and I have to make this fairly PG so it's easy to transcribe to the Olympic Committee)
c. "Safety." There can also be defensive scores given in Kissing rounds. Hands pushed back by feet could cause an uproar in the stands, however it would also gain the feet owners to gain a few scores. Slow motion cameras would be beneficial at this point.
I know you are probably thinking I'm crazy, but I'm not finished yet. You're probably also asking yourself, "How can there be a winner? I think that making out should be a team sport, everyone's a winner!"
You're wrong. There's always a winner. Not necessarily the person who comes out on top (ha) though. This is where the scoring comes in handy. Numbers are calculated and if necessary, there is a tie breaker round. The first person to come up for air is disqualified. This is where stamina is KEY.
My suggestion to you all is to start practicing. I'm already making up some t-shirts and will be holding "auditions" if you will in the next few weeks. I have a feeling that all of our readers (and writers) are going to kick ass at this game.