I saw a book at the bookstore today about how we can't expect to get a man unless we have our "cab lights on". It's all about sending the right signal. Maybe this is one place I'm running into trouble with NotGraceful. Whatever forcefield that surrounds him throws my signals completely out of whack. I find I become neurotic and seem to have lost the ability to function like a normal person. Does anyone have the antidote for crush-itis? Let's examine my symptoms.
When we last left off, I had failed miserably to invite NotGraceful into my lair. Utterly crushed by my own pitifulness, I did what any girl with a blog would do. I sat down and immediately emailed him, a few simple sentences sent by me asking him to come back and keep me company. Not a boy prone to email (should be warning flare #1), he didn't get the email until the next day. His response, however, was nearly perfect. No fear was expressed, only a desire that I should have asked him to come up while he was still there. My head hovered in the clouds even though he wasn't going to join us (a few Nots plus NotGay) out on Friday.
Saturday NotCarrie and NotJason met me for dinner, and as I was leaving my part-time job, I slipped NotGraceful a note with my phone number on it and the offer to hang out once he got off. Nothing. Again, I was left to wonder if I was reading him all wrong.
This past week was truly the pinnacle of my neuroses and the up/down of this faux relationship. A typical interaction for us is lots of staring and eyes and very little words. When left alone, the conversation flows. For once, the early part of this week seemed different. We talked around other people. We continued to have real conversation when they left, and I actually managed to keep my wits about me to not turn 3 different shades of red. He even arranged to take his break at the same time as mine one day (he works at where my part-time job is). These were the highs. Neurotic NotMiranda also took up residence in my head during part of the week as well. Sunday I decided I was going to "test him". He passed; I was ecstatic. However, when I suddenly lost my mind and came up with another lame scheme, I found myself walking home alone on a cold winter night. NotRachel kept me sane when I declared myself done and talked me into realizing part of this was my fault. She convinced me to be cool and give the boy a chance to make his move. Easier said than done. Being cool forced me back into shy mode. I didn't know how to act and proceeded to have a crappy week. When NotGraceful bailed on joining the gang this Saturday, I almost bailed on this whole crush thing entirely. The problem is that you can't just wash that man right out of your hair, no matter what the song says.
I came to the conclusion that, while I am so not a cool girl, I can convince myself to step back and keep my options open. I flirted my ass off on Saturday at work and had a hell of a time. I also managed to shine a little in front of NotGraceful today, too. If he wants this girl, he's going to have to come get me. At one point, I felt like we were almost there, but my obsessing took over. The obsessing is stopping while the flirting continues. I'm not giving up...he's still the one I want. I just need to give him a chance to realize he needs to give a little, too. My cab light's on. We'll see if he decides to hail me.