Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Match me up, Scotty!

As most of you know, I have been dabbling in the world of online dating. Last Thursday I went on a date with NotScruffy, someone I met from Match.com. We met at an Irish pub and drank beer while talking about most of the things we didn’t discuss in our daily phone calls/ instant messenger interactions. He was scruffy (of course), had a cute smile, and there were no breaks in conversation.

No problem, right?

I’m a crazy cunt then, because I found several problems with our date.

Over the past few months I have realized that I am a very judgmental person. I am also a big “first impression” sort of person. These two facets combined create my alter ego… I like to call her Contessa Judgey. I walked around the corner to where he was supposed to meet me and was immediately taken by his… tallness. This dude was the Tarzan to my meek little Jane—but not necessarily in a good way. I immediately thought to myself, how am I supposed to kiss him? Will he hunch over when we hug? At least he smelled nice.

I introduced myself and we proceeded into the bar. We sat ourselves in a little corner table, a perfect spot for people watching and I began one of my favorite poses: right leg crossed over left, body leaning forward, chin cupped slightly in right hand while left arm pushes up the girls to full attention. This pose is not only attractive, it also primes my body to swivel any which way to view the many people that inhabited this bar. I do believe my date liked this pose because he kept looking at me instead of the people I was talking about. Everything was going fine until the waitress came up to get our drink order. Imagine, if you will, a character from Dr. Seuss’ best loved classic “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” She was little Miss Cindy Lou Who, only with dark hair, complete with a ponytail… right on top of her head.

Come on folks, this is perfect fodder for a comment. I waited until she was done getting our order and well out of earshot, then told NotScruffy of my findings. If U2 weren’t playing so loudly, I think I would have heard crickets. Or the sound of his eyelids blinking, like in the cartoon I was using my comparison for. I chuckled softly and went on to explain that when I make comments like this they may sound judgmental, however they are absolutely, 100% honest reflections of how people look or act. I went on to explain that I would expect anyone else to make the same comments about me, however since I am perfect in every single way (much like Mary Poppins), it rarely happens. Finally, a laugh out of him.

After that, I think he loosened up a bit (could have been the Guinness) and he started to realize that I was correct in the stereotyping of our dear makeover candidate of a server. He then proceeded to “give me a hard time” about everything and while it was amusing, but after awhile it became repetitive because he couldn’t find that much to give me crap for.

Perhaps I was the one giving him a hard time. However, our online and phone conversations went a lot more towards the type of chit chat I like. Looking back, I realize that he was probably nervous, seeing as it was our first actual date and I feel bad for overanalyzing his moves. However, I am smart enough to realize that I am really not physically attracted to him. I knew from the minute I saw him that I could not see us “getting it on.” James Mercer, of The Shins fame, told Jane magazine something to the effect that first dates are for seeing if you would be compatible in a physical relationship.

I also realize that I may have gotten my hopes up too high for this guy. That could be the reason why I was nonplussed about our date. We spoke for 3 weeks online and on the phone before even meeting and I had created in my mind the perfect guy to have a relationship. When it finally “happened” I realized that my imagined man was in no way comparable to the man that sat in front of me, talking about basketball and not laughing at my comment about our Dr. Seuss wannabe.

I could go further into my analysis of the date, however I think this is enough fodder for you all to give me your opinions of dating online, or thoughts on what first dates are, or even your worst first dates ever. Anything to make me feel better about my judging abilities! Should I give him a second date, just to see if, given a different setting and not “first date jitters,” it’s different? Or should I go with my gut instinct and move on?

23 comments:

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Why are you thinking about a 2d date? You already decided from 20 feet away that you don't like him, then act surprised that the date didn't go well. Now you're thinking about a 2d date and trying to delude yourself into thinking that you won't self-sabotage the next date? You're obviously not interested so why string him along and make him think you are?

You already built up expectations of your "perfect" date in your mind so the reality will always fall short. You made the perfect the enemy of the good and are now taking votes on whether to go out with someone who you admit you're not even physically attracted to? Why don't you quit wasting his time...and yours?

Velvet said...

Ninja. Good lord. What crawled up your behind today honey? You are my bloggy-husband. You can't be this...well... rrrrrowrrr!

Okay. Coming from The queen of online dating, I'd say that you should give everyone a second chance. Note my mantra: "If he doesn't physically disgust me, we're going on another date." That's because chemistry takes a date or two to feel comfortable enough to accept and acknowledge.

Now, listen here. Never ever spend 3 weeks in a pseudo-relationship again with a man who you haven't met. I used to do this, and spent a long time being disappointed. Wink, email, chat on phone, meet in person. Quick quick. As fast as time allows.

I've now found myself in a relationship via match.com, and our first email was at 2 on a Sunday afternoon. First date at 8 that night. That's the way. I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo relaxed going into that date because I didn't care. The less you care, the more "yourself" you will be, and subsequently, him.

Now. Date him again, but keep dating others, and don't yack so long with them.

Senor Beavis said...

My new theory, as of yesterday, is that 50% of the interpersonal problems in the world result from mismanagement of expectations. First time I went on a date with someone I met online, same thing happened. No worries.

>"If he doesn't physically disgust > me, we're going on another date."

I concur, Velvet. But I'll add that if she doesn't mentally disgust me as well. Back in the spring I went on a date with a woman who was super-cool, but I didn't feel very attracted to. But I wasn't 100% sure. Just to make sure I wasn't having an off day, I asked her out again. Still wasn't physically attracted to her, but felt better about it for trying. If you know already, don't bother. If part of you isn't sure, go out again.

Irish Red said...

I once declined a 2nd date because a guy didn't put his napkin in his lap at dinner....ya...i'm not judgemental AT ALL....

Velvet - you're much more open minded than I am...(mental note: must try to be more like Velvet!)

Sex & Moxie said...

Can I make a sugesstion?

By criticizing the waitress, even playfully, you presented yourself as a critic. That one comment, believe it or not, could have set the tone for the rest of the night. He probably was nervous, worrying that you were secretly judging him.

Give him a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance, especially if they seemed like a nice person.

pookalu said...

i dunno -- i think a second date is harmless enough, especially since you've acknowledged that you had this "other" expectation of him.

but then again, i'm all for the trusting of the gut feeling.

Lindsey said...

First dates are almost always awkward. It's nervewracking for us and them (so my guy friends say). Give him another shot...if the lights are still dim upstairs..then I say dump him.

Anonymous said...

hmmm, I don't have a lot of dating experience. I seem to just fall into relationships somehow. But I enjoyed reading your blog entry and I'll come back to read more :)

JoJo said...

Puh-leaze. When you get to my age, if a guy looks at you even slightly funny during a date he doesn't warrant a second one. I do agree with Velvet on one point. Meet him as quickly as possible to a) determine his second date potential or b) scratch him off your list.

jo said...

i think that as long as he didn't do anything ungentlemanly or offensive on the first date and you don't find him absolutely and totally unattractive, then you could go on a second date and see how that goes.

Marissa said...

i feel like im reading me! im exactly the same as you. i can usually tell within seconds of meeting someone if i want to go out with them again. sure i've made a few (a lot?) misjudgements before, but usually, my gut instinct is right on. and yeah we all get those first date jitters, and maybe i'm being too harsh here, but i want someone who is at least able to act as if (as if this ISN'T his first date and he's oozing with confidence!!)

Asian Mistress said...

So were the 3 weeks of talking before really great and wonderful? Or was it just aimless chit chatting. Also, nobody is that busy that they can't find time to meet up for 30 minutes in 3 weeks...what was his problem in meeting?

Eh, go out with him again or move on. No loss either way really I guess.

hagrin said...

Wow, now I'm really going to pay attention to the sitting position of my dates from now on (if I actually dated). Haha, I can't believe you remember how you sat!

Btw, I'm a little confused as to why you would have been so thrown off by his height. Did you not know how tall he was? I would assume if you met him on Match, you would have known his height ... sounds like you were more put off about something else physical about him than his height.

NotCharlotte said...

I will respond to everyones comments more in depth later this evening, but here's a few important facts i seem to have left out:

1. he was on a work trip for the first two weeks we started talking, thus prolonging our meet time
2. he cancelled on our first date because he was sick

Johnny said...

First date is never the good date.

Guys are nervous.

Most of the time is spent sizing you up, does she like assholes, or nice guys, or childish? Is she gonna freak if I rip on religion or this, or that.

Me said...

That's the problem with the long emailing bit before a date. I try to avoid that....happened to me many months ago with someone too....

But hey, if work is in the way, what are ya gonna do. :)

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Sandra Dee said...

Oh gosh. I'm with Velvet on this one. The less time you correspond before meeting, the better the date will be. Expectations are lower, by far.

Give him a second date because it does take a few dates to get a handle on whether you'll be compatable or not.

Anonymous said...

Trust your gut instinct and move on!

Marko said...

Dating can be a nightmare. I am a big first impression person as well. I loved the recap of the date, it made me laugh.
Trust yourself and you will find the right guy, my motto: You have to pull alot of weeds to get a good garden. He he!

shpprgrl said...

If you wanna give him a chance go for it. (Especially if no one better meanders in in the meatime)It didn't sound like he repulsed you or anything. Then decide after the next. You'll know then for sure.

I judge too. I try not to. But I do.

Beau said...

I knew there was reason I don't bother dating these days.

Spill The Beans said...

I wasn't totally sure I was all that physically attracted to my current boyfriend for A MONTH after we started dating (and I'd already slept with him, even, and the sex was good). He grew on me. He treated me really, really good, and got more and more attractive to me the more we hung out.

I think I was more attracted to him on the first date than I was dates 2-9, but I'm glad we kept seeing each other. Looks fade. Intelligence, humor, sweetness, those things last.

Lost said...

This post totally resonates. Actually, were we at the same bar, with my last 1st date? B/c you might have been observing my date.

Just kidding.

I've the exact same experience. I got the crickets chirping at my comments/comic observations (you and I would have a blast together, btw). Given that, I think maybe he was nervous or maybe there was too much expectation on both ends.

If he up for going out again, go again.

I've had the same experience, saying I'll go on more more date....only the joke was on me, the guy didn't want to see me again.

So, if he's game, go on another date .