The end of an era

As seasons change, so do the men wandering in and out of our lives. You haven't heard much about NotElliot recently since NotCharlotte has moved on, but he has been a presence in our lives nonetheless. This week marks the end of an era (well...a year at least) as NotElliot prepares to move to Lynchburg, VA in pursuit of his latest object of affection (NotOldEnough). Over the past few months, I've grown attached to NotElliot as we all rode out the drama of his tryst with NotBigMouth and the almost-rumbles NotCharlotte had with her over him. He was was one of my first assignments as I went undercover as the infamous sex spy and bared a little of his soul for me during my interviews. He's kept me laughing during long shifts at the 2nd job, given me a new appreciation for Will Ferrell, and an occasional smoke to relieve stress (I don't inhale). He helped solidfy my relationship with rum & coke and tolerated me as I clung to his leg drunkenly all night, even ensuring I made it home safely. NotElliot, we'll miss you. Be sure to use your Big-like charms only for good and be nice to all the hot ladies out there.

Change Your Mind.

Spent some time with NotDave tonight... it's so weird but tonight I found him more attractive than I did the last time I saw him.
When I first met him, he reminded me of NotElliot. They had the same fluffy hair and taste in music. They even had similar automobiles.
NotDave has an ass though.
I have decided to try the 'just friends for now' route and see where that takes me. I'm 98% sure that he was checking me out off and on as the night progressed and the number of beers that were drunk climbed.
The one thing that keeps me intrigued is that he is a genuinely nice guy. For example:
I recently asked him what his favorite word was. He replied "The f-word." Not fuck. He made sure that it didn't offend me before he used it.

Dorky, I know. But it's the small things that count, right?

I would have bet money I just heard kissing sounds coming from an office down the hall. I'm intrigued and also jealous. Some office excitement is just what I need to liven up things. And I know just who I want to pick as my partner in crime at each working establishment (hey, 2 jobs = 2 trysts, no?)

Time to head to the other job....this will have to wait 'til tomorrow!

Catch me if you can...!

Well, we're newly designed and still as feisty! Maybe I shouldn't use that word. Makes me feel like my grandmother. But still we're back and looking good, not that we ever looked bad.

Update, things are starting to feel better pulled together this week. Spent Friday night with NotCharlotte talking about the things that NotSkippy had problems with and the fact that he just didn't get it.

We also discussed the opposite sex and pursuit. For me I have to wonder is it wrong if I want the guy to pursue me. I'm tired of having to make the first move.

Which brings back memories of NotMiranda's post on wanting a "MAN" not a guy or a boy, but a man. Will all the real MEN please stand up and be counted because your boy personas aren't doing it for me anymore. I feel I've reached a certain age where I can make demands and this is one of the. I demand a MAN pursue me with as much vigor as I pursued NotSkippy with.

What's on your dating resume?

Undercover Celebrity had the audacity to post a dating resume, and I was intrigued. What would be on my dating resume? For the uninitiated, a dating resume is much like a traditional resume...a list of my selling points, my assets. Much like a "real" resume, it shouldn't be a chronological list of where I've been or who I've been with. I like this exercise. What a great way to think about my positives and start thinking of how to better present myself. So, here's start to my resume...

*Adventurous - I'm always up for new experiences and love spontaneity. I almost always (note emphasis on almost) willing to try anything once.
*Humorous - I'm usually good for at least a few laughs and love to laugh in return!
*I prefer to shop alone - Think of all of the shopping trips I won't drag you on.
*Kissing - I'm a pretty damned good kisser but am always willing to practice.

That's a start. Once I really get going, I may just have to print some of these out (scented paper, of course). Ha!

Something old, something new...

Notice anything different? How could you NOT with Ginger's phat design skills. She hooked us up with a fab new look. What fun we're going to have now. Thanks, Ginger. You were great to work with. You rock the hizzy!

Read Me My Rights

I had a dream last night that I was kissing someone while wearing a work apron. This deeply disturbs me. But now it's got me thinking of the most random place I've kissed someone (location, not 'location'). It would probably have to be the darkened restaurant part of the bar I frequently went to a few years ago. Good think I'm not a slut or I would have felt bad for anyone eating there the next day. I promise you, I am no slut!

However, this subject matter is all just a way for my to cover up what I really want to talk about and don't feel comfortable saying. Part of the problem is the fact that I can't express certain things I'm wondering and/or worrying about.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. I apologize, maybe I got too much sleep.

it's myspace, not yourspace...

I was propositioned last night. For sex. With this guy that I've been talking on and off to for the past 8 months or so. We shall call him NotKnight.
I met him on myspace.com, my new obsession. Well, not really new, I've been a member for over a year. It's amazing how many people I have found that I went to high school with. I never really talk to half of them, I mainly stalk their profile, read their blogs and see if they got hotter/uglier/fatter since we've graduated. 9 times out of 10 I feel better about myself once reading about their lives. Sad, I know. But admit it, you'd do the same thing if you were in my position.
But I digress. This sexual proposition, as weird as it sounds seeing as though I've never met him in person before, doesn't seem like that bad of an idea... well once he wines and dines me. And after the third date. And once I know that he's a good kisser.
He's pretty cute.

But then again, am I really that desperate?
When it comes down to it, all I want is a boyfriend. A "beef." A "second half." So that I don't have to worry about being horny to the point of irritable all the time.

The least I could do is meet him I suppose...

Back into the Swim...

Inspired by NotMiranda's post I too have to wonder have I lost that want to meet new people. To try and open myself up to the possibility of liking someone new. Sadly, I have to admit I do. What's the saying once bitten twice shy. *pfft*

Screw that!

Ladies we're hitting the scene...you've got three weeks to get your butts in gear, then it's LADIES NIGHT!

*cues up dj and spins the track*

Has my engine run out of oil?

In other words, have I lost the drive to meet anyone new? I would have to go with no, but I have lost whatever little skill I might have had. I've been complacent for so long.

The soft rewind...

It's been a year ago today since my last relationship. I thought about that statement this morning as I ate breakfast this morning, as I got ready for work, as I drove my lovely 45 minute commute, and by the time I got to my computer, ready to start my daily email discussion with NotMiranda, I was really depressed. Big surprise, huh?
NotMiranda and I talked about this for awhile, not being in relationships and what we can do to "help the situation." As soon as the words "I want to be half of a whole" appeared on the screen from my lovely friend, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head.
That's what I want. That's exactly what I want. That's exactly what I've never had.
My first "relationship" occured in 11th grade. I'm not ready to talk about that one yet, I'll save it for a special occasion.
So my second "relationship" was in the summer before my senior year of high school. NotJimmy. He was two years older than me but had just graduated.
-He was taller than me,
-Sort of chubby-
-had a full on face beard-
-And thick glasses.
I know.
It all started at the place I worked. (Why I always have work relationships, I'll never know) We had closed up the shop and everyone decided to go down by the river and drink until we passed out. He and I got really drunk and well, next thing I knew we were "dating."
Don't get me wrong, he was one of the nicest, sweetest guys I have ever met, to this day. There was just one thing wrong with him: he was clingy.
And I don't mean "hold my hand all the time" clingy, I mean "let me have my arm around you all the time what are you doing over there come here and give me a hug oh while we're at it can you change your ring to your left hand so i can hold your right one more comfortably" kind of clingy. This went on for a few weeks.
Now, I was sort of new at this whole "pda" thing so I sort of freaked out. It freaked out my friends too. My best friend at the time, NotTwin, said it best: "It's like he OWNS you."
So instead of talking to him about this, I took the advice of my best friend and broke up with him. In the high class way: on instant messenger. I'm usually proud of my technological savvy, but not this time. I felt so bad about it. And so did he. We never spoke again. Seriously.
As I reflect on this situation, I realize that if I hadn't have cared so much what my friends thought about me, I would have worked this situation out. Instead, I was "peer pressured" into breaking up with a guy that I barely gave a chance to.
In the end, I'm glad I did break up with him; it let me be open to other opportunities my senior year, but I still think about him from time to time. I'm still friends with NotTwin, although our conversations are few and far between. I also realized that she was just doing what she thought was best for me and I appreciate that.

I guess this leads me to my reflection questions:
Do your friendships influence some of your decisions in life? Have they in the Past?

Does our perception ever match our reality?

I'm fat. For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking 'duh' right now. I'm aware of this...a lot of the time I'm acutely aware of this. The thing is that sometimes (for brief periods of time) I forget. Then I see pictures...or video and become aware that, not only am I fat, I'm much fatter than I thought. The evolved side of me realizes that I should have the " and?" mentality. Who the hell who should care that I'm fat any more than they care that I have red hair? Yes, there are the health reasons, but let's face it, very few people give a shit enough to think about that when they're looking at you. The evolved side of me watched the F.A.T. pageant the other night and was proud of these girls (versus the other part of me who was thinking the smaller chicks were definitely more attractive). The unevolved, self-conscious part of me is uncomfortable in my body, worries whether I would be able to be hired for the job I want, wonders how I'll ever attract a man. I write all of this because I'm tired of bowing to the evolved side...tired of letting my weak nature and busy schedule win. I want to eat better, exercise more, and not feel like cringing as I watch a video of me.

Show 'em your grill, babe

I think I've posted about this before, but I am continually amazed at the power of a little self-confidence and a genuine smile. My roomie was relaying a funny story to me as I got out of the car this morning, which resulted in sustained smiling action and a general good mood (the beautiful, crisp morning didn't hurt). So, on my way from the parking garage to the metro I made (in the words of NotCarrie, NotCharlotte and NotCarrie's sister, NotAlma) boos. Just flashed some wattage and got some definite positive feedback in return. This one fine specimen of a man...mmmmm. Sorry, I can't continue or I'll start daydreaming about him. Anyway...a smile. Have got to remember that!

In the Key of Summer Ending...

It seems like summers about to end, and while I'd love to say its been one full of fun, sun and men, for me its been one of introspection, decisions and heartbreak. So where do I go from here...?

I'm doing the responsible thing and moving on. Severing the ties I have with NotSkippy slowly. I guess at heart I'm a hanger on and while I'm loathe to see this in other people, noticing it in myself has been quite enlightening.

I finally decided to pay for a membership to the online dating comm that I had been using in the spring...and they even have a blog! So I'll be blogging there to see what I get back in response.

Another thing I've come to grips is my personal outlook on myself. It used to be a lot greater than it was, and honestly, it was tons better before I met up with NotSkippy again. So, I return to what I know. The fall has always been good for changes for me and I'm not going to hold back on them anymore. I know what I want and I figure as long as I take baby steps I'll be happy with any decisions I make there.

Sitting, Watching, Waiting

I'm a believer in signs so when the following happened, I could barely stop myself from laughing. We were all sitting in silence when he asked for the music to be turned up and when I did it was Jack Johnson singing, "waiting on love ain't so easy to do."

Useless

One thing this August has made clear is that I am utterly useless during this last summer month. I haul my butt out of bed very reluctantly every morning and sit in front of my computer dreaming of more creative pursuits. Some days I'll daydream of the possibility of frolicking with cute men and other days I'm thinking of lying in the sun by a large body of water. So, next week I'm going to feed the demon and head down to Virginia Beach for a couple of days for the East Coast Surf Championship. Sun...waves...cute surfer guys. Sounds like a nice way to usher out the summer to me.

I know where the summer goes...

As this summer draws to a close (thank goodness, I HATE hot weather), I have found myself in an interesting situation... I have fallen in "like" with a guy.
NotDave.
I'll elaborate more later, but for now I am content in regaling you with this.

I do have one question though: Is lack of physical attraction enough for you to not talk to someone?

"You're wrapped up in all kinds of beautiful!"

(Pick up linesaid to me in city)

I'm trying to get to my car so NO I don't want to give you my number...

You know, I've come to see that I must give off some sort of idiot vibe when I've wiped my makeup off for the day.

Case in point.

I went to the gym (took off my makeup), got hot, sweaty and then proceeded to clean up and head to the grocery store for some toiletries. Go in, get said items and its raining when I come out. I decide that I'm not sugar, hence I won't melt in the rain and cross the street towards my car...what do I hear behind me, but some guy talking about how I'm not even listening to who's talking to me...*blink* and *raised eyebrow*. What follows is some dude trying to pick me up in the rain, in the parking lot of a grocery store.

Him: You sure look pretty, you got a boyfriend?
Me: No (inching toward door of car)
Him: That's good so you can be my girlfriend.
Me: I don't even know you.
Him: *switching tactics* You got kids. (now this ticks me off...yes I am an ample hipped woman, however this should not be the determining factor in me having kids...)
Me: I don't like children.
Him: *shocked* Really!
Me: Yes, I prefer my godchildren...children that I can give back.
Him: *changing tactics again* Can I have your phone number.
Me: Sure *I proceed to give him my home number...why not some made up digits...well because I never answer the house phone and he can listen to the answering machine and figure that since he's left a message I'm surely going to call him back...NOT BLOODY LIKELY!)
Him: *smug* Don't get a boyfriend, cause you're going to be my girlfriend.
Me: *condescending smile* Again, I don't know you.

At this point I get into my car *finally* and drive away.

*headdesk*

Maybe makeup is a skeezy guy repellant...cause this never happens when I've got my game face on.

Not Quite Cyber

I had a sex dream last night about the IT guy from work.

It's called nerd-love...

Not as difficult to look him in the eyes as I thought it would be. I do want to burst out laughing when I see him though. He's today's nerd in 10 years so it all makes sense.

I am Samantha

I know I'm not NotSamantha and can't even come close to pulling off some of those personality traits. However, I did have a Samantha moment on Saturday evening. I was at my favorite place to hate being on a Saturday night (the Barn), really not in the mood for all of the kiddos trashing the place. Out of the kindness of my heart (right...believe that) and the desire to not spend the night there cleaning, I ventured into the children's department in the early afternoon to clean. The tornado created by the furious movement of so many little heathens had trashed the place. After 30 minutes, all the patience I don't have was wearing thin. I had begun the process of silently cursing them in my head and making loud noises in hopes they would leave. Then it hit me. They were assholes. I had to laugh. Here I was, NotMiranda, standing here wanting to call these little kids assholes much like Samantha calls Brady in a hilarious episode of Sex & the City. And, with that thought, I left.

At the risk of sounding conceited, have you ever wondered who has a crush on you? Do you ever wonder if there is someone out there, possibly someone you have never met, who has intense feelings about you? Or even a friend, maybe a close friend, who longs to have something more with you but you have no idea!

Think about it: How many people have you lusted after or been "in like with" (new phrase, use it) and you never told them. Maybe you never even spoke with them but always had a desire to.

Examples:

I had the biggest crush EVER on NotDracula from a popular hardcore punk band in the city I used to live in. I went to the Starbucks he worked at way too often and attended every show he played (I like his music anyway, phew). I was convinced he was God's gift until one day I heard him talk and all feelings I had for him were lost. The magic was gone. The point is, he never knew I was in like with him.

I've had countless crushes on friends...sometimes they had to have known but others probably didn't have the foggiest idea. So some of my friends must have developed feelings for me, right? A few told me after the fact and it was so weird to think back to their behavior or the different things we did together.

It just makes me wonder...is there someone out there, right now, thinking about me all the time. Trying to coincide daily tasks so they see me??

These type of things can't be one-sided. I know I'm not the only one.

Love and Some Verses

I've been sick this whole week, which has given me a lot of time to think about things. I've thought about weakening friendships, past loves, current crushes, goals for the future, etc. but my mind keeps coming back to one person in my life that I have conveniently forgotten to talk about. I don't think I've even told the three people who share this blog with me about him. NotSwimmer. I went to high school with him and for my entire senior year I had the biggest crush on him. We would chat every day after school online about nothing. He would get on me for asking him so many questions, and I would get on him for being an asshole. This was our daily routine, we never got tired of it. By the end of that year we had become "close." Close enough so that he would invite me over... to watch soccer no less but I still felt good knowing he wanted me there. Close enough for him to come over to my house and wrestle with our other friend in our living room and almost break my window and honestly apologize to my mother about it. As we were all getting our yearbooks signed, he took over a half an hour to think of something witty to write in mine. After a paragraph of inside jokes that we had shared, he wrote: "thanks for putting up with me, I appreciate it. I'm serious."
That was such a long time ago, and soon after that was written, we lost touch for quite awhile.
But every time I would start to forget about him, he would appear out of nowhere and we would chat for hours at a time, catching up on our lives. Same kind of smartass remarks from both of us, but it was normal. I look forward to it every time.
Now with all of the public blogs and everything out there, it's easier to keep tabs on each other. Everywhere I go, from myspace to the facebook, I have a "NotSwimmer would like to be your friend" tab awaiting my response.
The more I learn about him over the years, the more I realize the fascination I have with falling in love with him. I always have said that he will be the one I marry. He and I share a special bond, as little and stupid as it seems. Just to know that he thinks about me once in awhile is enough to keep me going until we finally run into each other again.

*headdesk*

And here's what I sent to NotSkippy this morning by mistake no less.

I don't think I can be friends with you anymore, thanks for the computer, enjoy boobzilla.

*sigh*

*headdesk* Into infinity.

I give up...I mean really...

Okay, so I'll say that I'm in love with NotSkippy. My problem with that, besides the fact that he's dating boobzilla. I can't work up any anger towards him because he's been really sympathetic about it.

I'm starting to work my way through the all consuming feelings I have for him. I mean I can only have him as a friend and I'll just have to come to grips with that...but man its taking too long. He calls me after his dates, hell, he came over after the last date to watch tv and commiserate over it. He spent most of his weekend with me...

That's it, I've got to go out on a date or something...so in two weeks I think I'm going out on my own...trolling for a guy...or something.

Suggestions...questions...feedback..have I lost my mind ruminations...

All hail the great sex spy

Ha! I know, I know...everyone has these uber-serious posts on love, and here I go making light with another post of my adventures as a sex spy. I can't help it; it was fun!

Last night NotCharlotte and I stalked Cowboy by finding his house and driving by. It turned into a bit of a fiasco when we (1) got super lost and (2) had to drive down a narrow residential street (that was a dead end) in the full light of day. I fully expected to get caught and was totally freaking out. Just the sound of this guy's voice makes my heart race, and being that near his house definitely had my nerves tingling. I was so scared he would walk outside, drive up, etc. Some spy I am!

Even more exciting is the return mission I'm planning with NotCarrie. We are going to to do it right...all black...at night...wigs...telephoto lens camera. The goal being to have fun, hone our skills, and find out if there might be a girl in the picture (I really hope not).

All fun aside, though, I need help figuring out how to approach this guy. Because of our work connection, I don't feel like I can be honest and lay my feelings on the line. However, he's got that special something that makes him too rare to just let him walk out of my life.

In love? Who me...?

I do not like having my emotions take control. In fact I don't like being out of control ever. But right now I'm so close to losing what little grasp I have on my control that I'm seriously considering running away from this madness.

NotMiranda has been giving me quite sage advice on what I should be doing, or rather reading me the riot act on going back on previous posts regarding NotSkippy.

Like I said yesterday, I'm addicted to love.

And there's that word, "love" *cringes*. I can't be in love, that's just not possible. Hell, I didn't even sleep with him (slot a into peg b style) yet. I don't know if he's good in bed. WTF! When did I sign on for this?

Now that the self proclaimed whining is over, I would like to stop the world so I can get off.

The bad part about falling in love...makes you really susceptible to getting your heart broken...

Addicted to Love...

Did you ever read those horoscope books that tell that because you were born on such and such day you're destined to be thus and so? Well I have and you know what, being born on the day that's known as "The day of heaven and hell" really doesn't give me much hope for my love life really.

Discovered yesterday that I'm addicted to NotSkippy and like all people who are Piscean, we thrive on addiction, I'm addicted to him, therefore when I said I was going to spend a quite evening at home...which I did, for a few hours (I even finished that book I've been drooling over), the moment NotSkippy called and asked if I was up for anime I said "yes" without another thought...*sigh*

*stands up in front of room* My name is NotSamantha and I'm addicted to NotSkippy.

"HI NotSamantha"

Soooo, where does that leave me...well luckily for me I have a date with someone who's not NotSkippy on Friday...in fact this is date #2 with one of the few sane males I found during my internet dateathon...

We're going to be doing dessert on Friday...and hopefully coffee/tea afterwards...

As for my addiction and the coming weekend...who knows...

Learning to be alone...again.

Well NotSkippy went on an official date to someone who's not me. Woopdefrickin do...

So I spent the time he was on his date, on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor, and the two bathroom floors and then wiping down and reorganizing the counter tops and then taking a shower and moping before running out my house and to the nearest grocery store...so here's my dilemma...I've forgotten how to be alone.

NotSkippy and I spent so much time with each other that I'm now incapable of being alone...

Any suggestions on how to break this habit...?