No Sex

Just reporting in that there has been no sex and no city this weekend for me. With other obligations, I took the time off to relax and catch up on One Tree Hill (because I am patiently waiting for Gilmore Girls Season 5 to come out and am enjoying these new shows I am getting into.)

I like One Tree Hill. It is a bunch of misunderstood teenagers who all want each other set to (mostly) good music. I'm a sucker for a good soundtrack. (And Chad Michael Murray.) It also reminds me of my melodramatic friends in high school who tried their hardest to have dramatic relationships. Like they were supposed to or something. I refused to participate in the lunacy of "teenage romance." Sure, I definitely had my crushes and guys, but I was able to step back from it all and look at my friend's relationship's with their boyfriends and girlfriends and see it with a little more maturity. I'm glad I didn't get sucked into that crap back then.
I will admit that much of my trepidation was a direct result of me being shy and being afraid that I would come off looking stupid or unwanted. But I also knew that I didn't want to be one of "those girls." The ones who were so "in love" that they couldn't say hi to their friends because they were at Prom with their boyfriends. PROM for goodness sakes! I knew when I was AT Prom how ridiculous it was.

But I digress...I don't mean to offend anyone who had, or has, a good relationship in high school. I just honestly think, that for the most part, most relationships in high school are a little comical. But I do love watching TV shows about them! (One Tree Hill, The O.C., kicking it old skool with MY SO-CALLED LIFE!)


Okay, I just swooned at the thought of Jordan Catalano...

Diggin' the 'scene'

Recently, I've been working my way into the BDSM scene. I've discovered that in liking the kinks that I have there are other who share the same and/or are willing to fulfill them.

Surprisingly, however, I have found that the 'scene' as it were is a very close knit and happy group....with groping as a side benefit.

I haven't decided exactly how much I'm going to relay on this blog, but needless to say NotMiranda has heard a large part of it. Not all, but some.

Do I think this is the right choice for me...right now yes. Later, well...later can take care of itself for right now and if it can't well it can lick my 5-inch patent leather boot.

But I'm Awake!

I am upset to realize that my irrational thinking and behavior that comes out at times can no longer be blamed on being tired. I woke up at 11am today and yet I found myself on the verge of tears during my weekly rehearsal. The horribleness that is Tuesday is unrelated to the amount of sleep I get the night before. I am going to now eat a lot of pizza and watch Gilmore Girls and curse the world.

Don't be alarmed...Tuesdays just bring out the following: apathy, frustration, anger, callousness but once the day is over, every thing is (usually) okay.

Puzzle Pieces

I was in Coldstone (yes, ice cream!), waiting for my Like It Coconut Cream Pie cone when I entertained myself by observing one of the teenage employees and the guy who was talking to her. It made me smile because you could tell she was just giddy from being in conversation with him while he was trying to play it cool and not show too much emotion. When they said their goodbyes it struck me how obvious it was to everyone that they liked each other. He knows, she knows...hell, even I know now! But then I got angry because how can it be so much easier for them to let the other know there is an interest there. They are teenagers, and by definition awkward, yet their puzzle pieces just seem to fall right into place. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to put my puzzle together wearing a blindfold and with instructions in Russian.

Creaky knees and faded memories

This past week I have consumed more than my normal share of alcohol. I have had (1) a 30th birthday; (2) went on our staff retreat (retreat and drinking come from the same root word); and (3) was with NotCarrie at Friday night's soiree. It's funny because, if possible, drinking brings both more clarity and greater confusion. The clarity comes in realizing what some of my issues are when they suddenly fade away when intoxicated. For example, drinking makes be bolder with the boys. I also dance more freely. I suddenly care much less about what other people think and more about my own happiness. Unfortunately, I've also noticed a few instances where I've lost chunks of my life. Not being able to remember frightens me because no matter how much I want happiness and mental freedom being emboldened gives me, I fear giving control to my subconscious mind. After my night of dancing during our staff retreat, it came to my attention that seemed to have lost an hour or so of memory. I spent the rest of the retreat avoiding certain guys I was silently crushing on in my right mind because I was afraid I would have acted on it in my drunk mind.

Truth Serum

Ok, So I got drunk last night. I guess I can't really hide the fact after the awesome post I left late last night. Although I don't drink a lot anymore, I still get the same feeling of dread the next morning as I wake up and wonder what damage I left behind the night before. I never get extremely drunk and have never passed out or not known where I was. But I am guilty of being a drunk dialer, drunk texter, and apparently, drunk blogger.
This morning, however, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my drunk antics were nothing to be embarassed about. A blessing in disguise was my new cell phone which I have yet to add my many contacts to. Out of the few names I have in there so far I was with two and didn't try calling the others. I emailed NotCharlotte to apologize for the phone call made from NotMiranda's phone but it came out something like this, "fjfjdskfdsfj" so I'm not sure if she was able to translate it. I also emailed NotJason (who was upstairs, so go figure) and was a little worried about what I said in that one. One time I left a very confessional voice mail and was extremely relieved to find out the next day that the call had ended before my voice was heard. (However, I still have some doubt about this and wonder if maybe he told me I left no message so I wouldn't be embarassed.) Most of last night's email was in the same language as NotCharlotte's but once my drunk-ass realized I was able to type if I just slowed down I got some coherant sentences in.
The problem with me being worried about my truths coming out while drinking is that maybe there shouldn't be things out there that haven't been said already. I wish I could say that I lay it all out there and let people know how I feel but I most definitely do not. I am not really wishing for a change in my personality but there are a few things that really need to be said, and soon, and definitely not while under the influence. They are too important.

Last night was fun, though!

I am drunk.


amd wam=nting some lovinlg. righ t nmow

Well that ended well...

Note to Reader:
This post is more a rant to myself, it will not make sense, so please don't try to analyze it.
And I probably won't want to explain this one to the nots, sorry girls.
I just need a place I can write this out.

I am in the most fucked up, weird ass relationship ever. And it's not even a relationship.

Tonight was good until the end. Seriously. Why does stuff have to be so complicated?!

I'm going to go become a nun.

Come On Girl, Play!

Porn.

I don't get it.


As in, I don't understand why people like it. Especially in magazine form. The other day NotMiranda and I bought a Playboy to give to someone as a gag gift. We of course covered all of the "parts" as part of the joke but it got me thinking about guys and porn...and then women and porn.

Men: Studies all over the place show that men "do their homework" (=masturbate) a lot and studies even show that they need to physiologically. And I guess for some of them, seeing some big busted woman is hot or something. Or they just need that visual er, stimulation. So to sum this awkward paragraph up: I can understand why some guys enjoy porn.

Women: My friend, NotSusan and I bought a PlayGIRL once as a gag gift and left it open in our friend's living room for a party he was having. Noone even took a second glance at the naked wang or remarked on the "hott ass in the pictures!" We looked through the magazine ourselves and were not impressed. It was more comical than anything. Are there women out there who buy this magazine for specific purposes other than as a gag gift? The magazine can not stay in business just to provide a few laughs here and there. But who buys it? Noone ever talks about the "hot centerfold in Playgirl this month" and you never see movies where the teenage girl has her secret stash of Playgirls discovered by her mom while cleaning.

Personally, I would rather there be a magazine focused entirely on the pelvic muslce, the hottest part of a male's anatomy. I propose that the first issue be dedicated to Brad Pitt, the Kind of the Pelvic Muscle, and the centerfold shall be of him in Fight Club. Holy hell he is hot. Ok but wait, I have lost my focus of this blog as I started thinking about lovely Brad and his pelvic muscles.

Oh who am I kidding. Brad Pitt is hot, Playgirl is not.

The End

She came, she saw...she tried on a corset...

This weekend while NotMiranda was prepping for a night on the town with NotCarrie, NotCharlotte and yours truly I was making my way into the BDSM world. I started by going with my friend NotJackie to an event with her friend Notubergeek to a shadier side of the Capital for shopping and free seminars. It was a good way for me to get introduced to the one thing I've been contemplating since breaking up with NotSkippy, if I want to be truly honest I was thinking about it even before then.

I went, I saw and I tried on a corset. A lovely confection of black satin and red and pink cherry blossoms which can be mine for the economical price of $450...which I fully intend to shell out as a present to myself.

I also managed to buy some very nice shoes...okay they have 4 inch heels and are definately the ultimate in CFM wear, but I love them...they are so very very hot.

I also got to watch women who are not the model thin, and silicone enhanced of the porn movie realm drop trou and display themselves in front of audiences of 60 or more people for demonstrations. It was very liberating. I also got to see a shirt painted on using liquid latex.

More importantly I got to learn about a scene that most people don't give enough thought to. Its a very tightly knit group of people who are very comfortable with themselves and with the choices they've made sexually, which caused me to wonder. How often do we hold back asking for something we want in the bedroom because we think it wouldn't be widely excepted?

I'm kinky and part of discovering the kinkier side of my nature included going to this event and others and learning about what I want and don't want from my partner.

Now...all I have to do now is set up a 'play date'.

The Trouble with Loving Men...

So have i told you before, that I love men? In pretty much any way: gay, straight, fatherly, brotherly, etc.
I just happen to attract gay men. I, NotCharlotte, am a Fag-Hag.
This all started in high school when I immediately befriended this goth girl, who turned out to be bisexual. This opened the door for other such individuals to befriend me because I, NotCharlotte, was an apparently openminded individual who couldn't care less about others' sexual orientations.
Which brings me to my current situation.
I have a gay husband (NotHusband) and a gay betrothed (NotTheater). Both of these men claim that they are gayer than a leather pinata, but even I have my doubts.
I have had many in-depth conversations with my husband about whether or not he's really gay. He does not believe in gay rights, he only likes taking men from behind, and he's somewhat of a stuck up jerk when it comes to treating men right.
The thing is, what happens if he decides he's not gay? We are in this weird situation where the more time we hang out, the more it feels like we're actually a couple. People have actually asked me if we're dating and to be honest, sometimes it feels as though the answer is yes.
As for NotTheater, he has told me that he's the Straighter version of Gay. Which confuses the hell out of me. He's a VERY touchy feely guy and I cannot hang out with both of my guys at the same time, because there's competition. YES competition! I have talked with both of them about it and they both agree that they feel they're the only "gay" for me and therefore the other one is made fun of, etc. Which is weird all in itself.
So, in closing:
When does the college experiementation end and life decisions are made? Is being gay in your early 20s just a fad? What happens when your best friend decides that they want to try heterosexual experiences?
That makes me sort of nervous, but that will be left for another time...

Gaydar

I have had a lot of gay men in my life, and for a period of time, that was all that I hung out with. Now, I once again find myself surrounded by increasing numbers of gay men as our local Queen Keeper (NotCharlotte) continues to pick up a number of surrogate boyfriends. The problem is that in this day and age I have found it increasingly difficult to distinguish between a gay man and an evolved metrosexual. Why is this even important? Aren't we all just people? We are (just people), but as a single woman, I don't have time to waste on falling for, stalking or becoming intimately interested in a gay man. I have had this problem before, and trust me, I "changed" no one. This leads me back to my original problem. How do we tell the difference in these modern times and not get burned? Also, do we risk labeling a sensitive straight man simply because he doesn't fit into society's typical "man" mold?

thirty, flirty & thriving

I woke up today to face the world as a 30 year old woman. If I'm being honest, I've actually spent the last week dealing with and celebrating that fact.

- I have drunk a bottle of wine while taking a relaxing bubble bath.
- I have confessed affection to man I've had a crush on for a while (cowboy).
- I managed to kiss at least 4 of the 30 guys on my Project 30 Kisses for 30 Years (might have to prolong it into a month-long goal).
- NotSamantha bought me a vibrator shaped like a rubber duck.
- I have had Bottoms Up pizza and been show the fun areas of Richmond.
- I have danced my way into my 30s.

Happy Birthday, my dear NotMiranda... I hope this year brings you a lot more check marks and good times with your dear Nots.

We love you!!

Drop and give me 20

I have a thing for men in uniform. Not just a little thing, mind you.

Just seeing commercials for that new movie "Jarhead" makes me want to burst into orgasmic spasms.

Military men, man oh man.

An Empty Well

I am at such a loss for something to blog about. The current situation has no news as the weekends are the time for advancement and the weekdays are merely to analyze the past weekend. I am even having trouble trying to recall a story from the past just to entertain! Noone around me is doing anything of interest (NotGirls not included, they can tell their own stories). I guess I will just have to wait until the weekend gets started in order to have something to blog about.

Good thing I have a lot planned for the weeked!

All that I can't say...

I've been thinking this week about all the things I don't say about myself (and for the Nots who know me pretty well that's saying a lot). The really personal, deep down issues that could make most run screaming into the darkness if they were to see. And then with this thought I had to wonder if I were being true to this blog and the reasona that I write in it.

*shrug*Don't know.

What I do know is that I can't bear all of my soul for the universe to sniff at, find lacking and then pee all over, I get enough of that from self introspection.

So here's a post about all the things I can't say, but sometimes wish I could.

Can't Stop; Won't Stop.

Due to a phone call that NotMiranda made last night to someone from our past, I had weird dreams/thoughts about this specific someone. That makes me want to see this certain someone again.

It's weird how someone is out of your mind until you are reminded of them, then that's pretty much all you can think about.

Is that sad?

Is settling down really selling out?

I'm turning 30 soon, and NotCarrie and I were discussing what this birthday means to me. Negative? Positive? I think 30 will be fabulous. I'm content with where I am in my life and my general accomplishments. Do I have some growing up to do? Some issues to work through? Yes, and I am ok with that. As is sometimes the case, our conversation drifted toward men and relationships. I talked with her about how I've always "known" I would be one of those people who got married late in life but also how I would have liked to have been in a serious relationship as I pass into a new decade. Having not been in a serious relationship for quite some time you do find yourself questioning what's so different about you? Why can't I find some good enough and who thinks I'm good enough, too? One thing I do know is that, no matter how frustrated I get sometimes, I can't settle. I can't be one of those women who takes the first thing that comes along or who just wants TO BE MARRIED. So, as I stumble through these last few days as a 29 year old, I am going to not settle. I am, however, going to tell that cowboy how I feel about him. That's not settling...that's just smart.

Seemingly Easy

My coworker, who is in my age bracket, came in on Monday to tell me her great news, "NotCop asked me to be his girlfriend!" I did the obligatory squeals of joy for her and asked all of the appropriate questions but I will readily admit I was a tad bit jealous.

("Jealous" is a word I am desparately trying to use less of but in this case, it is necessary.)

I am envious of the ease with which this new relationship has come to her. They've known each other for a year but just recently have been hanging out more and more. She has come in more often than not red eyed and exhausted but with a smile on her face having spent the evening before hanging out with NotCop until the late hours of the night. And now, he has asked her to be his girlfriend. They are exclusive. And happy.

I am happy for her because she has had her share of heartache and bad experiences in the past, but I also struggle to understand why this can be so easy for some people! And I don't think she is doing anything differently, or at least it's nothing I can figure out. I guess I can't judge the situation because my understanding of it is cursory. It's like judging a book by it's cover. Sure, NotCop and NotOhio seem to have eased into something really great but I bet there is more to it. I know personalities make a difference as I am not able to be as open about something like, "Be my boyfriend" and tend to approach the potential 'boyfriends' who have the same personality traits.

I really am happy for her though...I just hope I can come in on a Monday (soon!) and receive the obligatory squeals and not have to give them.