Lepidoptera

Love is measured in butterflies.

Lust is measured in...thoughts.


Don't ask me to explain.

What if...?

So often I hear the following phrase, "But I don't want to mess up our friendship." and for a long time I was not only someone uttering those same words but I was a firm believer that friendships should be taken care of. But the other day, it occured to me: Why be miserable maintaining a friendship when there could be so much more? Why live with the words "What if...?"

What if we date and can't get back to being friends?
Well, maybe if a friendship can't withstand a try at love it wasn't the most stable friendship to begin with. But what if...you never tried and you are only friends with Mr/Mrs. Right for the rest of your life?

I'm not even going to try to say I've met someone whom I would consider "Mr. Right" but, I know the frustration and at times, heartache of having an intense desire to know if there could be something more with a friend. They are feelings that have waned over the years so that now I know things worked out how they should have with those people. As I face these same situations at this point in my life, I definitely have a different outlook.

I have not come to a conclusion about potentially ending a friendship for a try at love. I'm torn over the following:
Which is worse...only being friends with someone who might be your "soul mate" (a future blog topic, yes) or losing some friends but finding The One in the long run?

?

Is despair an all or nothing type of thing?

My stomach is a gymnast

I just got off the phone with Cowboy (can't remember what we're Not calling him, but screw it...I can't think straight). Even his voice is hot! Seriously, how can you get turned on just by a voice?!

Circles and Squares

Yesterday I was driving when one of my favorite songs came on. The kind of song with the perfect melody and lyrics that make me swoon and wish for the day that my significant other writes words like that for me. But then I came back to reality and realized that I have never pursued a guy who would ever do that. Then I thought about current and past crushes and how much in common we really had. How necessary is it to enjoy all of the same things? Is a relationship doomed to fail if both people involved don't get excited over the same things?

My answer is no. I don't want to be with a clone of myself. I want someone who can appreciate my interests and activities and who will participate in them because they like ME. He's going to understand when I want to go stand in line for hours to see my favorite band and how much more it will mean if he offers to stand in line with me.

It is interesting when I apply this to current and past guys I have been interested in. Some have merely been a physical lust, or check box on a list, while others I now realize, would never "get me." I'm multifaceted and have a big interest in so many things, I am not one-dimensional.

To understand passion, you have to have passion and I'm not talking about taking the "No" out of "No Sex and the City." To understand me, and to be with me, you have to "get it." Luckily for me, I think I'm getting better at finding the guys who "get it."

Is the market that tight

Went out to a new place last night (Bungalows) with NotCharlotte and a couple of her coworkers. The place itself wasn't bad. I might actually go back. I witness a phenomenon that is definitely not new but did fill my head with rhetorical questions. What I'm most curious about is in what society are balding/graying white men with beer guts deemed a hot commodity? Last night I witnessed younger, attractive women flirting with men like this. Everyone said DC was a tough singles market, but for some reason, it became all too clear last night that this might be the case.

Death Knell...

Last night I sounded the death knell of my friends with benefits relationship with NotSkippy. Point blank I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. We could be "just friends" and that would have to be it.

I won't be staying over on Fridays anymore.
I will be taking better care of me.
I won't be asking him to go with me to everything I do.
I will be making sure I go on more dates.
I won't be hanging out with him for incredible amounts of time.
I will be keeping to myself for a bit and rediscover me.

And that's that. I'm tired of trying to rationalize what he wants versus what he tells me. I'm also tired of reading in between the lines and trying to figure out if what he says is really what he means.

I'm worth more, and if he doesn't want me, then too bad for him.

The Hardest Button to Button

My new nickname is apparently "Horny Vanilla"
There is another one, given to me by NotMiranda, but we won't go into that yet.
I had a fantastic weekend, filled with guys. Not as in "guys" but as in guys... friends... well one potential.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. But it all has potential.

the world is my desertland?

I think I'm touch starved. And I'm not even talking about sexual healing kind of touching either. I'm just talking about simple human contact. It's getting so bad that I hugged the Not's last night (not a proactive hugger here). And my poor guy friends...they probably feel molested by how I've taken to periodically hugging them.

Takes Some Restraint

I like to notice guy's mouths and whether or not they are kissable.


I like to kiss.

Are The Movies Ruining My Outlook On Love?

I am currently watching the deleted scenes of The Notebook because I can not get enough of romantic movies. Noah has just kissed Ali on the piano and I can't help but wish this type of thing happened in real life. But are fictional scenes in movies and TV ruining my outlook on what occurs in real life?

Ninth grade and My So-Called Life, the show that I was literally obsessed with and have remained a loyal fan of to this day. I wanted to BE Angela and dye my hair red and end up making out with Jordan Catalano in the Boiler Room and most importantly, have him grab my hand as we walked down the hallway. But high school does not have Jordan Catalanos, in fact high school is 99% Brian Krakows and 15 year olds don't want Brian.

Romeo and Juliet (new one with hot Leonardo Dicaprio) made me want someone to sneak into my room and speak in iambic pentameter. I wanted to grow my hair long and wear it like she did, buy angel wings and throw a costume party in hopes that a "bad boy" would make an appearance and fall in love with me.

Dawson's Creek and Friends are excellent examples of friends falling in love and it being a bond that lasts forever. I want a Pacey and I want a Ross. Heck, I even want a Chandler! I also want Monica's hair, it's so shiny and dark.

And more currently I have been watching Sex and the City and The O.C., two shows that integrate love, romance and drama. While there certainly is far less sex happening than on SATC (hey it's NO Sex and the City, right?) I think that show gives a positive outlook on being single and having great frinds. The O.C. is a little overdone but it's a FOX drama so I would expect nothing less. And who doesn't love Summer (her awesome style) and Seth and the fact that they are meant to be together despite originally being so different?


And so, from this trip around Tivo and memory lane I should be more focused on reality and things that actually happen in "real" life. But you know what? They don't call it hopeless romantic for nothing and I am going to continue wishing for inspiring moments in my life. Besides, really what links these shows together is good hair I think. So maybe I'll focus on that and let the rest fall into place.

Is rough & tumble a bad thing?

Enough talk of neglecting the site. It's time for a real, "too much information" post. Yes, you just saw TMI, so if you don't think you can deal turn back now.

I've been ruminating on female dominance over the past couple of weeks.
I'm not talking about s & m or even bondage, but I have found myself getting turned on by the thought playing rough. I joke about getting a whip or handcuffs, but I think joking would turn to action with the right man. Maybe dominance is even the wrong word because I want a man who meets me halfway. I don't like pain, so I'm not talking about anything hardcore. It would just be fun to have someone to wrestle with, play with. Do I think this is a fetish I have...no. I think it's something I eventually want to experiment with. Anyway...I just needed to share with someone and get that off my chest!

Meanwhile Back at the ranch...

I, unlike my esteemed members of the NSATC blog, have not been visiting and posting as I should. I have neglected the blog...and the thing is I've had tons going on to write about. So, without further ado, a summary of what's been going on with NotSamantha.

-still pursuing other dating possibilities besides NotSkippy and had a date this previous weekend that lasted a pain-free two hours. This guy will get a repeat date.
-Went out of town with NotSkippy to visit mutual friends (though more his than mine), what commenced was three days of sleeping together, playing around and acting like a happy couple. On the plus side of that I revealed that I considered cutting off all contact with him after this trip because I was so tired of trying to figure out what he wanted. Understanding that he wants to do casual dating before he jumps headlong into another serious relationship is one thing, but living through it is another.
-Came back from trip with a fresher perspective on what I want, what I need and what NotSkippy can and cannot give me.

Its hard knowing that they guy likes you, knowing that you like him, but have to work through his quirks so that you can get together...

Bring It Back In

I am not neglecting this blog in fact, I come to it everyday with intentions to post about things going on in my life. But then I stop myself because I need to keep my personal information a little more private at the moment. It is a big exaggeration but I feel like too much has gotten out and it is like trash in outer space-just floating around until someone runs into it.

But don't worry, I still have stories or yore. I'll regale you later.

Still kicking

Oh, how neglectful I've been of this site...blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, life happens and people get busy. The main problem with posting on this site is the fact that I can't moblog to it because I moblog to my other site and because I have to post early before work (and it's the summer and I sleep later). Excuses, excuses.

Moving onward and upward, here's a quick update in list form (love lists!)

- Some of the girls went to Ocean City for the 4th. No really good boy encounters but the beach was fab and we had fun!
- NotCarrie and I threw NotJason a midnight birthday party in the park, complete with cake and strawberry champagne.
- Had a cute new guy pop on the scene that I've got my eye on...let's call him NotOpie : )
- Got a tattoo!
- and more....

Not blogging on a regular basis causes you to forget most of what has happened. Plus, it probably wasn't very exciting anyways.

Married By Elvis!

Working on the Vegas marriage!