Sunday, July 30, 2006

Everybody Hurts

I almost smoked a cigarette tonight. After almost a year of not even touching one ever since I "quit" even though I never started. When your kissing someone on a regular basis who does smoke, it makes things more enjoyable to not be startled by the taste of cigarettes. I never bought a pack and never got to the point where just one wasn't enough to make me light-headed, but it was still a disgusting routine I had gotten into. Drinking=a cigarette. Party=a cigarette. The boyfriend who smokes=a cigarette. For a girl with a high tolerance of alcohol, but a low tolerance for paying for drinks, nicotine provided that extra bit of light-headedness I was looking for back in the day.

So earlier tonight, when I was driving down that familiar road, and caught a whiff of my hair, fragranted by cigarette smoke not from me, I was whisked down Memory Lane. Sometimes I hate Memory Lane. Tonight Memory Lane took me back to ease and familiarity. It also took me back to friends I don't speak to anymore yet who, at the time, I believe were completely infatuated with me, maybe even in love with me if I can speak so grandly. This is a person who's gestures and meanings were so misread and often just completely missed that it took me until after we weren't friends anymore to realize the situation that had been created. And even though I most definitely never had similar feelings for him, I would be lying to say that knowing someone wanted me like that didn't feel kind of special.

Unfortunately, in that situation the stars weren't aligned and nothing could have ever come from that. I felt kind of bad at the time because I did like the attention he gave me and worried I was leading him on. But he wanted me and who doesn't want that? Everybody wants to be wanted. Everyone has a sense of need, and if it's not coming from where you want it, it's easy to fall into that trap of getting it from where you can.


Marybeth said...

I have quit twice. I blame unquitting both times firmly on my ex husband! The first time was for my weight loss surgery and I stayed a non smoker for over a year. Then we went to his family's home in Alabama for the holidays and everyone smoked. The stress was killing me. I finally caved after 2 days.

I quit again and I swear I started for little other reason but to annoy him. OK, and boredom. I want to quit again - I'm just afraid of the weight gain. Good for you though for remaining a Non!!


PS - I like to blame things on my ex ;)

Lindsey said...


We need to lobby to have Memory Lane turned into some sort of dog walk instead.

You're right...I've been there. You get it where you can...and desperately crazy it from the place you can't have it.

The Pussy Cat Bitch said...

i like your blog..very interesting.

jo said...

i have never ever touched a cigarette in my life. it's probably strange given my 'old age' and all that partying and drinking that i do. i guess i never liked it or was curious enough to try.

sometimes i hate memory lane too. i know what you mean by even though you don't really have the same feelings, it's nice to know that someone wants you like that. but of 'coz in my case, it took me a few years more to realise that maybe everything he ever said was a lie afterall.

KassyK said...

Ahhh memory lane. Nostalgia. It can all be so nice...and sad too. I was a HARDCORE pack a day smoker and its been 11 months since I have lit up...I am so proud of myself. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. :-)

Clueless said...

NotCarrie I can relate too well in a different way to this post. Right now, in between any substantial attention or flirt-fixes, I almost need an intervention to stop me from contacting Unmentionable because I know on SOME level he cant get me out of his head even if it's not in the way I want and I know I'd get hurt - ironically as a result I can relate to your friend too because of it despite the great s*x. :) Staying strong though. I related to this post in my own way.

NotCarrie said...

Marybeth- Yeah, I never even smoked enough to feel any sort of addiction and I definitely don't miss it.

Linny- It sucks when those types of things are mismatched though.

Pussy Cat Bitch- Thank you! And I love your name, haha.

Jo- Both of my parents used to smoke so it's probably weird I never did until I was like, 21. ha!

Kassyk- Yay for you!

Clueless- Yeah, I totally understand.

Chuckles said...

I dated a girl who smoked and it didn't last long. I nearly gagged the first couple times we kissed. All I could think about were breath mints.

Beth said...

I certainly happened to read your post at interesting time...I quit smoking back in November, and I smoked my first cigarette Saturday night. I'd been craving one for so long, I finally gave in when I was out...drinking, of course. But when I woke up yesterday...I can't even explain how much I regret doing that.

And, I have to agree..Memory lane is funny like that. It's strange how many places i can take us...with just a whiff of air. Hang in there dear!

NotCarrie said...

Chuckles- I know what you mean, having a cig with the "ex" helped for later on;) Now the smell grosses me out.

Beth- Yeah, my brief moment of "OMG I NEED ONE" was a mix of nostalgia, but also extreme anxiety. Ok, not extreme, that's a bit much.

Beth said...

Christ... blogger needs spell check..stat! Glad my post made sense, cause I certainly don't take people down memory lane. haha.

DCVita said...

Lately, memory lane is a road that I try hard to avoid. It is never pretty, and usually very dreary. You are right...everyone wants to be wanted. It is just so frustrating when the one you want does not want you back- but the ones you care less about, are infatuated with you. When do the stars really align for that perfect match?!

Isabella Snow said...

General rule of thumb: If you're worried you might be leading a bloke on - you probably are. ;))

Nice to be wanted though, I agree. As long as the person who wants you is hot. :/

NotCarrie said...

Oh I was definitely leading the one on, but he was a selfish asshole sometimes so it's ok. The other one, I broke that off once I realized.

I wonder if I've been led on...hmmm. I don't recall.

Dancing Diva said...

wanting to be wanted is a human need -- and it sucks when it's not reciprocal...sometimes you get sucked in. i know i've done it, rode it for a bit and broke it. and i know i've been ridden like that too...only in hindsight.
it's that buzz, of knowing someone is just IN to you. aaah. what's not to love.

Andrea said...

Unrequited love. It's a witch if you're on the wrong end of it. If you're on the right end of it...well the, not so bad. And yes, we do enjoy that once in a while. Nice post.

Miss Syl said...

A very well written post, C. I could *feel* the nostalgia, smell the smoky hair.

It's interesting how we can be nostalgic for feeling wanted more than nostalgic for an actual person sometimes. I've been feeling like that a lot lately.

Donna said...

I've quit - hopefully I'm off them for good this time.
I know what you mean about the temptation though - it's really hard to stay off the poison weed.

Think of all the health benefits of stopping. I know I sound like someone's mum, but seriously - I'd be scared to start again having done all the research I did when I quit, and knowing what I was doing to my body.

Lecture over!

NotCarrie said...

Dancing Diva- Yeah noone can deny they don't want to be wanted.

Andrea- Thanks. And sometimes I feel like the word unrequited was made for me;)

Miss Syl- Thank you and you're right, in that case I missed the feeling MUCH MORE than the person.

Donna- Congrats on quitting. I'm glad I never started.

NML said...

I have been off the fags for five years but I gave up loads of times before. I don't miss the fags but for some reason I have been dreaming about them recently! Weird :-)Almost means you didn't though - well done!