I almost smoked a cigarette tonight. After almost a year of not even touching one ever since I "quit" even though I never started. When your kissing someone on a regular basis who does smoke, it makes things more enjoyable to not be startled by the taste of cigarettes. I never bought a pack and never got to the point where just one wasn't enough to make me light-headed, but it was still a disgusting routine I had gotten into. Drinking=a cigarette. Party=a cigarette. The boyfriend who smokes=a cigarette. For a girl with a high tolerance of alcohol, but a low tolerance for paying for drinks, nicotine provided that extra bit of light-headedness I was looking for back in the day.
So earlier tonight, when I was driving down that familiar road, and caught a whiff of my hair, fragranted by cigarette smoke not from me, I was whisked down Memory Lane. Sometimes I hate Memory Lane. Tonight Memory Lane took me back to ease and familiarity. It also took me back to friends I don't speak to anymore yet who, at the time, I believe were completely infatuated with me, maybe even in love with me if I can speak so grandly. This is a person who's gestures and meanings were so misread and often just completely missed that it took me until after we weren't friends anymore to realize the situation that had been created. And even though I most definitely never had similar feelings for him, I would be lying to say that knowing someone wanted me like that didn't feel kind of special.
Unfortunately, in that situation the stars weren't aligned and nothing could have ever come from that. I felt kind of bad at the time because I did like the attention he gave me and worried I was leading him on. But he wanted me and who doesn't want that? Everybody wants to be wanted. Everyone has a sense of need, and if it's not coming from where you want it, it's easy to fall into that trap of getting it from where you can.