Friday, June 02, 2006

A Glass of Wine, A Clove Cigarette and me...

I don't usually smoke unless I've had a lot to drink. This keeps me from worrying about the fact that tomorrow my hair will smell like cigarette smoke, which I hate. However, tonight in my melancholy night in, I felt the need for one as I finished off my glass of red wine.

I came back from vacation on Wednesday, glad to have spent the time getting to know some really cool people and really wishing that I hadn't met some of them. And just why do I wish I had never met this really great group...because they were ALL married. And while I wasn't the youngest, I was the only unmarried woman, and this usually this wouldn't make me feel anything other than happy that I wasn't tied to anyone, but this time it made me feel just a little sad that I didn't have someone at home who missed me, or was having a hard time doing something (anything) that I would normally do if I was there. Instead, while they were busy lamenting the spotty cell phone coverage and cheering when they managed to get through for a few moments, I was sitting down with my laptop and bidding on things on Ebay *wonders idly if there are husbands for sale there*.

Hence tonight and the glass of wine and the clove cigarette. I'm reminiscing (read wallowing) in lack of mate hell. Here, I am constantly plagued by the worries of not having that other piece of myself that makes me feel whole. And now hear comes the anger...why should I need another person...why should I have to feel like I have to have a mate to feel complete. Why? Why? Why? Ugh. of all the totally girly and in my opinion overly emotional things to have to deal with, why this.

Looks like I've got a whole lot of "why's" that I need answers to and all thats after it is "z". So off to bed I go.

9 comments:

NotCarrie said...

I'm too scared to buy anything over $10 on ebay so there is NO WAY I'd bid on a husband;)

jo said...

weddings make me feel exactly like that... too scary...

K said...

I feel the same, and think all women feel the same. If it's not a mate to make them whole, it's a career, or an apartment, or a purpose. I just home one day just ME (and perhaps a glass of red wine and a cigarette) will be enough.

Anonymous said...

I agree with K. I think all women feel that way, at least at some point in their lives. I wonder though, if achieving one thing: a career, or an apartment, will lead to needing another to feel whole. For example, a man. I too wish that I could feel whole on my own. Here's hoping that one day we will!!

Good Riddance said...

I know exactly how u feel. That's a bummer. I hate it.

catherine said...

i am normally completely against relationships and everything that comes along with them, but lately i've been thinking it would be nice to have a boyfriend, and not just someone you fool around with, for once.

Jordan said...

Unfortunately, sometimes, no matter what I achieve or what I have, I find myself wondering if there is more.. or what's next? Why can't I just be freakin' content??!!

NotSamantha said...

And here we arrive at the crux of the problem, what happens when we have what we think should be enough, but we still feel unsatisfied? I keep telling myself that I'm slowly becoming that so called 'Independent Woman'; capable of doing it all and being happy with just myself with the occasional guy thrown in on my terms. Somehow, I just don't think that's in the cards. I keep wanting to make sure I'm happy with me, but in the meantime, I still feel like I could use the one. I too agree with "k"...when is Me going to be enough for me?

Virginia Belle said...

i like how notcarrie thinks hubbies would go for $10 on ebay. more like 10 cents.

kidding.

i know what you mean, though, notsamantha. normally hanging around married women doesn't bother me, but every once in a while it will really get under my skin, especially if they are younger than i. it makes me feel like i've been wasting time with my life or something.

but we have to remember that we have the rest of our lives to fall in love. plus, the older you are when you get married, the smaller the chance you have of ever getting a divorce. so really, we are just divorce-proofing ourselves!