I don't usually smoke unless I've had a lot to drink. This keeps me from worrying about the fact that tomorrow my hair will smell like cigarette smoke, which I hate. However, tonight in my melancholy night in, I felt the need for one as I finished off my glass of red wine.
I came back from vacation on Wednesday, glad to have spent the time getting to know some really cool people and really wishing that I hadn't met some of them. And just why do I wish I had never met this really great group...because they were ALL married. And while I wasn't the youngest, I was the only unmarried woman, and this usually this wouldn't make me feel anything other than happy that I wasn't tied to anyone, but this time it made me feel just a little sad that I didn't have someone at home who missed me, or was having a hard time doing something (anything) that I would normally do if I was there. Instead, while they were busy lamenting the spotty cell phone coverage and cheering when they managed to get through for a few moments, I was sitting down with my laptop and bidding on things on Ebay *wonders idly if there are husbands for sale there*.
Hence tonight and the glass of wine and the clove cigarette. I'm reminiscing (read wallowing) in lack of mate hell. Here, I am constantly plagued by the worries of not having that other piece of myself that makes me feel whole. And now hear comes the anger...why should I need another person...why should I have to feel like I have to have a mate to feel complete. Why? Why? Why? Ugh. of all the totally girly and in my opinion overly emotional things to have to deal with, why this.
Looks like I've got a whole lot of "why's" that I need answers to and all thats after it is "z". So off to bed I go.