Continued...

So I've been reading this book, Dateworthy, and recently finished a section on the baggage we bring in to relationships. I realize that when it comes to certain issues I bring the full-on trunk out of storage. I figure this is as good a place as any to continue my story (see F-ed up product of my upbringing).

We left off with the fact that I can't just hop into bed with a guy...even if I want to. The trunks I lug into each relationship (or even anything pre-relationship) are chock full of religion and hormones and body image. When stirred together you have a real mess on your hands.

Religion: I was raised to believe that you weren't supposed to have sex until you're married. The story never changed. To this day (as a 29-year old woman), my grandmother still wants to know whether or not I'm still waiting. I take my God seriously, so when the people you love and trust continually repeat what I believed to be the 2 golden rules never to break (don't have sex and don't drink) they kind of stick.

Hormones: I'm a scorpio. If you don't get my reference...read up. We're a fiery bunch who live for passion. The desires are there, but when checked against the latter issue, what do you get? I'll tell you what you get...alcohol. Ah yes, the 2nd golden rule you're not supposed to break growing up. I discovered that if I got drunk I got friendlier and flirtier. In fact, being a little tipsy enabled me to make that trip to the bedroom.

Here's the real kicker though...the alcohol doesn't work. After the one real, serious relationship of my life with NotSteve, I began to see this pattern developing. It truly began with NotGay. NotGay was a friend of my really gay roommate. They would hang out...smoke...and evidently have sex. Well, one evening I joined the 2 boys in their smoking, toking and drinking. One thing led to another and I was back in my bedroom with NotGay (who'd been with my gay roommate 2 days prior). I'm really hazy on this, but I'm pretty sure I stopped it before we sealed the deal. It's pretty sad that I'm banking on pretty sure b/c that could have/would have been my first time (NotSteve and I were waiting until we got married). Some first time to tell the kids about, eh? Next came NotBob. NotBob was a good friend and coworker. Things began to move in a different direction when he came to visit me in Nashville. When I got back, we went out for drinks, and several bars later we rolled into a cab and all over each other (that cabbie got his money's worth). Back at his place, it's a similar story. He's naked and on top and I fall asleep. Being the gentleman that he is, he doesn't proceed but does wonder what's wrong with me. We MO but that's about all she wrote for us. Fast forward a couple of years to NotSean. Poor NotSean...I set him up right from the start. I knew I was going to get drunk and invite him over...I even cleaned my room. We both get pretty wasted at this party, and on the ride home, I make it pretty clear that I want him to stay over. Things are getting pretty hot when he mentions he doesn't have a condom. He wants to run to the store real fast, but I guess this was my 3rd wakeup call. I explain this means we shouldn't do it, and he continues to beg. Anyway, you'll never guess what I tell him after a little while...the real reason I'm not all over him or won't let him go to the store is because of God...and I start to cry. (insert exasperation at myself) That was pretty much my last drunken episode because finally my pattern had become clear. I got drunk so I could fuck with a supposedly clear conscious, but even THAT didn't work.

So here I am...working through my issues...wanting to have a normal relationship again that doesn't begin with me having a couple of drinks. Yes, I want someone to MO with. Who knows, sex may even happen. But, really, I want the relationship first and not just the act.

I'm sorry if this is sharing a bit too much, but sometimes public admittance to a problem is the first step on the road to dealing with your issues. It's time for me to unpack.