Well, hello again. I suppose it's time to give this blog another go, although I will say I do have some hesitancy in getting back on the wagon. We'll see how it goes!
Two years ago today was the last you all heard from me. My last post was about men I barely even remember, but the vow I made was something I definitely upheld. July 2009 I entered into a relationship with who I thought I would inevitably marry. NotKeef. We had worked together for several years and I wouldn't be surprised if there were a few posts about him in the depths of the NSATC blog. We seemed to fit; we got along with each others' friends, we practically lived at each others' apartments; we liked the same food; drinking; TV shows. Yet when I accepted a job in Germany, a small rift started to grow between us. I moved in December of 2009, with his promises to find a job immediately and follow me out there. He even came to visit me for New Years. I showed him where I grew up and we celebrated midnight making out under a fireworks-filled sky lighting up the town's distant castle. It was very romantic, although I clearly remember the crowds freaking him out and him freezing whenever someone tried to speak the language to him. The crack grew deeper and I became more distant. Our weekend Skype sessions turned into staring contests. My epic emails would receive 4 sentence replies. My need for the constant communication that we shared while living in the same area was reciprocated over an ocean with half-hearted attempts at Twitter Direct Messages and the occasional love package.
The final straw came in April, when I found out from another coworker that he had accepted another job in his organization. I flipped out and we stopped talking for a week, before I emailed him a breakup letter. He didn't fight for us, simply said "Sorry it didn't work out. I tried to find a job, but I couldn't give this one up."
A few other things led me to this decision, but that event kind of put everything in perspective. In hindsight, I do realize I put him in a difficult position, expecting him to give up everything and move to a foreign country, but if the tables were turned, I would have done it in a heartbeat.
I want an "all or nothing" relationship. Someone that I would do anything for, someone who would do anything for me. Someone who can make a long distance relationship work.
Which, I know, is a hard feat to accomplish. Case in point, I just got back from a wonderful work trip in Austin. While there, I hung out with NotMiranda's brother, NotAlamo. I had met him a few times before and thought he was cute, but timing was never on our side. In fact, last time I saw him, he was helping my parents move and told NotMiranda that if things didn't work out between me and NotKeef, that he would date me.
We hung out a lot, with each time being more fantastic than the next. He and I have so much in common and we just feel comfortable together. He makes me feel safe, and attractive, and funny. We were at a bar and met some random people. I got up to use the bathroom and when I got back he was telling them all about me, saying "you're just so damn interesting." We actually talked about how much it sucked that we lived so far away from each other and how much long distance sucked. But it didn't stop us from saying we like each other, or holding hands, or kissing.
He is pretty much my perfect guy, but we can't be together because I'm a proven example of why long distance relationships don't work out. On our final night, we kept reminding each other not to think about it and made no promises other than the fact he's going to come visit me in September. I think it was the right way to end things, but since then all I can think about is why couldn't it work out? Silly me and my optimistic masochism (or is it sadism?) of trying to re-create the last relationship I had. Maybe we're meant to let things simmer and see what happens in September? Maybe we're not meant to be together? Everything is supposed to happen for a reason, right? Then how come I'm not at peace with this inconvenient reasoning?