Tuesday, July 04, 2006

For What Reason

I was reading one of my coworker's blogs yesterday and found something very interesting.

There is this girl that works with us and she is the most annoying, childish, attention-craving girl I have ever met. She is loud, obnoxious, and clueless about anything that doesn't involve God, paper products, and cute purses. I think it's important for me to also explain that she is one of the most naiive and innocent people I have ever met. It's also safe to say that she is choosing to be a Virgin until marriage.

That being said, my coworkers blog detailed events that occured one night when they were working together. Apparently this girl gets hit on at work on a regular basis. My coworker watched as this girl got this guys number by him just walking up to her and asking for it.
When my coworker asked her about it, she goes "Yeah, if I get through the other 10 phone numbers I've gotten lately, we'll see if he works out."
Pretentious, snobby answer aside, I really don't understand this. Neither does my coworker. In her blog, she goes on to ask that if she is neither obnoxious nor loud, why does she never get asked out at work? Why don't guys come up to talk to her and ask for her phone number?

At the time I read her blog, I didn't have an answer. I thought about it for awhile and I think I came up with a great answer.

My coworker (along with a lot of us equally wonderful women), seem to exude something that this loud mouthed girl lacks: Self Confidence. She is loud because she craves attention she doesn't think she can get by being herself.
Men can't prey on women that ooze "talk to me-- I dare you"-ness. They ask this girl out because she looks innocent and has the look of a hurt puppy.
These guys are probably the same ones who watch nothing but football on the weekend, wear popped collar shirts and promise---PROMISE to pull out at the last second.

I feel bad for this girl.

I think I've got something here, but please let me know what you guys think.

46 comments:

Clueless said...

said with no pretensions: as a confident girl who has women & guys occasionally say "I can't believe you're single WHY aren't any guys asking you out!" (provided it's not an ego salve to the freak that is) ... I always tell them that some of the guys in the office even joke about how I'm scary because I'm confident. I don't think you're far wrong. But this girl ought to be careful - especially if she's slept with one of those guys already and they're passing on tips!

Lindsey said...

I've been complaining about this scenarios since last year when a totally awesome guy was with a girl who actually bitched that the engagement ring he bought her wasn't big enough! Uh huh. Bitch.

Shannon said...

It's funny, when I was in college, the louder and more obnoxious I was, the more attention I got from guys. When I was quiet, nada.

I was with a friend at the mall once, laughing and cracking jokes. A guy (cute by the way) walked up to us and told us we seemed like we were having a good time, and we seemed approachable.

Maybe the quiet more reserved girls don't give signals that they want to be approached. I don't know.

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy and I think you got it all wrong. This woman who gets hit on often is probably just very attractive or exudes alot of femininity. I've never been turned off by confidence and never known a single guy who prefers unconfident women. And none of these guys care much about football, either. Are you sure confidence is really the issue here?

Think about it in terms of guys -- it would be like the guy with the highest IQ in the world saying that women prefer Brad Pitt over him because he is too intelligent and women are intimidated by that. Yeah, right.

Some women are just more desirable and more fun to approach than others. And no, it's not always just about looks -- there are other factors. An approachable woman gives off a vibe that shows that she really can enjoy herself and doesn't take everything too seriously! Someone who appears romantic and adventurous, not clingy!

NotCarrie said...

I do like hearing the guys opinion. How do you explain when ugly, smelly girls with no social skills get hit on??

Virginia Belle said...

i don't get it either. i think i have a lot to offer, yet men never (well, ok, i should say rarely) approach me either. then they complain about how women are crazy/psycho/bitches. hmmmm...how about giving the quieter, nicer girls a shot? we're vixens in the bedroom!

i just wanted to say that i love how you described the guy. that was hilarious! i know exactly the kind of guy you describe!

Anonymous said...

Hey notcarrie, do you really think that smelly, fat, ugly, socially inept women get hit on that much?

Maybe some guys think it will be easier to get a date with those kind of women, after being rejected so many times by better women. Only explanation that makes sense...

NotCarrie said...

I was definitely exaggerating but yeah, sometimes even the "she has a nice personality" doesn't work to figure out how some girls get guys. I know that I am not always in the right environment for getting hit on so I'm not really complaining. When I did used to go out to more bars and stuff and I was more flirty, I got the reactions I wanted usually. But NotCharlotte has a good point about them being in the same environment yet this other girl is getting hit on a lot. I like all of these thoughts on it though, especially those of the guys.

Meg said...

I think it's all about attitude...

I go to the same bar a lot, and, depending on my mood, it's like I'm two different people. Last night I was flitting around, chatting with guys and dancing with random people. It was a great time, and guys were receptive.

Friday night, at the same bar, I wasn't into it at all. I was more there because a friend wanted to go. And I don't think I talked to anyone new. I didn't want to make any effort, and I probably didn't look like a barrel of laughs.

(and both times I was sober)

People are much more likely to approach a smiling confident girl than a straight-faced confident girl.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm the same anon from the previous comments; anyway since you like guys' opinions I'll give you mine.

I think if you want to get hit on more, do everything OPPOSITE of what those characters in the show "sex & the city" do (i.e. really live out the name of this blog!). Those characters are not appealing and I think most guys would agree. Too many hangups, too mechanical, not fun. That show was always popular with women and never with men, why can't women GET this?

Also the more women keep describing some ideal TYPE of guy they want, the less likely men are to approach in general. Nothing wrong with having a type, but if you're giving off this vibe that you're really picky and only want a specific type of guy, and that every single guy who doesn't fit this image is not good enough for you, guys may not want to hit on you (even if in reality you actually are attracted to them!)

Also there's no point having hang ups about things like wearing make-up and dressing a bit revealing; there is NOTHING wrong with doing those things, I don't know why so many American women think it'll come off as too tacky or slutty. No, it doesn't.

And there is nothing wrong with women who play "games", but it should be for the purpose of fun, NOT ego preservation. Don't always have to be so straightforward and "down to earth" !

Then again I think my views are differnt from what most guys would say; alot of people are trained to say the politically correct answer i.e. "I hate women who play games" -- which is complete lie, dating should be sort of a new created world, not ordinary mundane life.

GreenLineBoy said...

I can't say that I agree completely with anon. But there is a lot in the vibe that you get from a woman just by looking at her. A smile says a lot. And quiet confidence says "Don't bother, I'm out of your league."

It's hard to explain. Some women I feel comfortable going up to and some I don't. It has nothing to do with their appearance. It's just in the vibe.

Jordan said...

I think it's all in the attitude. I don't agree that a women gives off a "I only want a specific type of guy" vibe.. uhm, how do you give off that vibe? Maybe the vibe she is giving off is "I don't have any interest in you" vibe.

As far as women, I think the more fun / friendly you appear, the more appealing it is (and tempting) to approach her. Men will approach these women before quiet, non-smiling, happy appearing women because the higher odds she'll actually talk to him.
People hate rejection, right?

As far as your co-worker, she's overly social, straightforward and portrays herself as friendly, so it's more appealing to approach her, knowing the chances are that she'll talk to you are in your favor. That's how she gets their attention... keeping it is another thing. Her arrogance and juvenile attitude will cost her in the long run. She is 'confident' that she'll attract many men initially... but she KNOWS they won't stick around long, so that's why she has to keep up the high numbers. Some idiot will fall for it eventually 'eh.

Jordan said...

*correction:
.. of course I meant "un-happy appearing" women. :-)

NotCharlotte said...

These are all good points, quite valid ones at that.

My coworker that was describing this scene is not a very social person, in fact when I first met her I thought she was quite rude.

I wish you guys could see this girl in action (the obnoxious, loud one). I think you would realize how odd it really is that she's collecting these phone numbers like easter eggs at grandma's house.

I do believe a smile goes a long way and that's how I've been hit on at work before. I just don't get why she gets all the attention. And it's completely not an "i'm jealous that's why i'm questioning it" kind of thing.

DCVita said...

You are so on the money! I think that women that are "loud and obnoxious" just seem way more approachable. They are not afraid of talking to anyone and probably have such a friendly persona that guys seem at ease. Whereas some women (including me) don't really talk unless they have something important to say. So because we don't seem loud and obnoxious, we are titled "snob" when in fact, we might be the nicest, most intellingent women in the room!

NotCarrie said...

Meg's comment really sparked my own memeories of a bar I frequent. When I used to be a lot louder and out-going there I would get hit on a lot. Now when I go it's hard to remember that I'm more mature and not running around drunk and slapping guys on the asses so it makes sense for less people to approach me.

But getting hit on at a bar is a lot different than during the day which is what I want. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mean I want guys just getting in line for me (even though they should) but I don't want to have to go to bars in order to meet people. I need to start saying hi to more people;)

Delaleuverses said...

Your post speaks volume of truth. In high school I was the quiet one and my sister was the opposite and got all the attention from boys,of course I think it was from her being so outspoken. Your co-worker is a trip and it is sad how she flaunts herself for attention.

NotCarrie said...

I feel like a tease if I come across too open and forward.

NotMiranda said...

I definitely see some truth in the comments. I've blogged about it before and have to agree that when I'm in a really, really good mood and am beaming at the world I get noticed and tons of reactions. On any normal day, I'm happy but not a huge smiler and don't get the same reactions. Guess I'll have to learn to tap into that inner exuberance more or learn to fake it ; )

Jordan said...

We could run around looking like the 'Joker' and have permanent smiles sutured on our faces :-)

Chuckles said...

It is a bit weird.

I like the women I like and I can't explain why, but I do know that being quiet and emo doesn't leave much room for anyone to talk to me or for me to talk to them.

Chuckles said...

From another perspective,

How many of the women on this site have ever thought, why the hell did that jerk just walk up to me while I was reading my book/standing here and try to flirt with me? What the hell is wrong with him?

Also, why do women flirt with me when I can't respond, ie at a wedding in front of my family or in a previous job when I bartended? What is the deal with that?

NotCarrie said...

Yeah, but there's flirting and then there's coming on to someone full force with bad pick-up lines. Flirting/friendliness is always welcome:)

Chuckles said...

True, true. I was lightly flirting with a very funny and well attituded, pretty woman about my age (just feel weird calling people girls now) at Gallery Place a while back and gave her my personal email to further continue the funny stories about travelling but she has yet to write me and I doubt she will. I tell myself that she has a boyfriend, but whatever.

I'll live.

BabsieD said...

I think that when it comes right down to it, about 90% of the time it boils down to The Stink.

That is, The Stink of desperation. The old adage that you find it when you're not looking for it is true a good chunk of the time.

I have a friend--a guy friend--who is nice, successful, handsome, smart, but wanted to settle down. And the moment he'd start dating someone, he'd get all atwitter thinking about the future. Total turnoff when the one you're with wants you more than the other way around.

Then one day, he decided he was going to let it go, to enjoy life, enjoy the company of others, and the future be damned.

He was married within the year.

NotCarrie said...

Ok then:


I DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!!



(come on, come on!)

Jordan said...

LOL NC!! Ok.. I don't want you to have a boyfriend either!!! (maybe if we both say it...)

Chuckles: I have had guys come up to me when I wasn't doing anything at all but standing in a line breathing. I don't even think I was smiling. But then again, I've had men approach me when I was pregnant. If I big ol' protruding belly doesn't say "I'm expecting and there is probably a hubby or boyfriend in the picture" I don't know what does. Maybe because I wasn't wearing a wedding ring, I don't know.. and I even said "I'm pregnant". They reply "I can see that" and then continue to talk to me as if I was wearing a bikini, sipping margaritas on the beach. Weird!!

Anonymous said...

ANOTHER ANON GUY-

I would never pick up girls at a bar even if my life depended on it. I just find most women looking for cheap fun at these places, and it also sounds pretty lousy to later explain to your friends that you met your girlfriend in a bar. I usually approach a girl I like with an innocuous question or a joke and I clue-in to their reaction. What they say tells a lot about them- witty repartees are downright irresistable, while any attempt to keep the conversation going is a good indication. Simple eh.

Anonymous said...

SAME ANOTHER ANON GUY-

I've suffering from the attention-deficit-pronoun disorder lately. Excuse my grammar.

Jordan said...

saying you met someone at a bar is almost as bad as telling your parents you met your boyfriend online. although the online thing is becoming quite the norm. In the past,I've met people online, we've agreed to tell others we met.. uh, in the grocery. Now, I don't care what anyone thinks as to 'where' I met the person. (unless it was prison, then I have some 'splainin' to do)

NotCarrie said...

I'm quite witty;) And too poor to go to bars.

NotCharlotte said...

Another anon- that's why i haven't frequented bars as of late. It occured to me that when alcohol is mixed with a loud scene, crazy stuff happens.
I'm in it to win it, I'm not one of those casual relationships type of girls.

Problem is, I don't know where to "find" some guy that's like that. You know?

Anonymous said...

SAME ANOTHER ANON GUY

notCharlotte- "Where do you "find" guys like that?"
I can only tell you where you cannot find them. Anyway try the Church, you won't find them there either, but at least you can pray for some divine help! OR try LA if you're an atheist.

Clueless said...

Hey anon, I'm not trying to salve my own ego with my thought though I too appreciate the guy's perspective. I've been told quite openly by a few guy friends that when they first met me, they were daunted by my self confidence, seeing it as a bit formidable even though I'm approachable.

Clueless said...

hey guys, I'm liking the forum and wanted to throw this out there for chewing the fat on: a friend actually told me to be MORE unavailable as men prefer to hunt or chase! Some of my guy friends agree, some strongly disagree.

NotCharlotte said...

Another Anon: yeah, that's helpful :-P

Clueless: I've heard that before too... the more unavailable you are, the more certain guys want you.
It works, too. Which is ridiculous. I don't like playing games like that because it ends up with you not being yourself and them liking who you aren't wanting to be.

GreenLineBoy said...

There is something to the 'hard to get' deal. But that should happen after you meet the guy. It's ok to be forward when meeting a guy but pull away afterwards. Give him something to think about.

If a girl is too into a guy it makes him think there's something wrong with her. I think deep inside we say "I look at myself in the mirror every morning and know I'm not that cool. So why is she so into me? There must be something wrong with her." At least that's what I say to myself. And I do enjoy the chase.

Heart Of Darkness said...

I know that feeling - people complainin they get TOO MUCH attention, when in fact not getting any, or vice versa. I guess they have to boost their own feelings somehow, as nobody else validates them on a regular basis.

You've got the upper hand here, you know the real thing. Pit her, that's all you can do. She doesn't have the confidence enough to put it straight, so what else can you do, but pity her?

Chuckles said...

I don't understand why everyone pities this girl but whatever.

I was riding the bus home from Fort Reno last night (everyone should go, it's free and good) and I got a look from a woman, just my type. She was reading and started laughing at the book and so I moved seats so I could ask her what book she was reading. I was polite "Excuse me...". She told me the title and I said thanks and returned to my other seat. My brother was with me and thinks I was being a creep.

I disagree. Anyway, my point is that I don't think I am a creep, but I ask myself if I am being crepy all the time, because the three times (average) a month I chat up a woman rarely result in a number or contact. Maybe it is me. I am a tall, dark and muscular guy and that can be scary, so I have been told.

NotCarrie said...

It can be a fine line, Chuckles. A lot of times "creepiness" comes through in the eyes. The type where they bore through you with that, "I'm going to do bad things to you whether you want me to or not" look is a little off-setting. Twinkling, "smiling" eyes are always welcome.

NotCharlotte said...

Plus, your name IS Chuckles...

Jordan said...

There definitely is a fine line with the hard to get 'game'. It's like... 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.. 5 steps forward, 1 step back... 2 steps forward, 6 steps back. You better know what you're doing :-)

I don't think it's a 'game' if you're truly interested and have good intentions, but don't want to jump right into things either. It's a game if you have NO intentions with the poor guy. My Op.

Josh said...

hey wait a minute, do you smell that?

*sniff, sniff

hmmm...that smells like jealousy

Ryane said...

notcarrie: I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment about saying Hi to more people. Sometimes I simply forget to look up and around me in my daily scramble to do whatever, yet whenever I do...I am always amazed at what I see that didn't require entering any bar! Perhaps that is the obnoxious co-workers only secret: she says Hello?? I think I will try your idea, too...thanks for the interesting thread--love your blog.

NotCarrie said...

Ryane- with my (unfortunate) retail experience, I sometimes forget when I'm just out in the normal public and I'll still smile at random people. I guess it's better to smile more rather than to not smile enough, right?

Chuckles said...

I smile at people all the time and I just don't know why.

Some comedian said that he felt like a jackass smiling at old people, because he felt weird. Like he was saying, "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU MADE IT!"