What's mine is yours

I embarked upon this past weekend with hope for little excitement. The Nots had been planning on grabbing their entourage and crashing this huge Halloween party on Saturday night. Fun, right? Well, what started out as your average, fun party quickly began to spiral into very interesting. A couple of key Not men (NotGraceful, NotBeast) happened to be at this party, and once the drinks had time to course through enough veins and the girls had a shot at the ice luge, the boys grabbed an empty bottle and suggest a little game of spin the bottle. Kissing occured all around, and in addition to a couple of kisses from NotGraceful, I ended up getting some exploratory tongue from NotBeast. Cut to a few minutes later and I'm flirting with NotBeast downstairs when NotGraceful drags me to couch and climbs on top of me, biting my neck. I believe some interesting pictures are now circulating out there. Fully intoxicated, our lovely designated driver piled NotCharlotte, NotGraceful and I into her car as we said goodbye to NotBeast. We were headed back to NotCharlotte's to crash, but that wasn't exactly what happened. Instead we opened more bottles of alcohol and all piled on the couch.

What happened over the course of the next few hours was certainly interesting. With NotCharlotte doing whatever upstairs, NotGraceful and I had a mad, hot makeout session* on the couch. Let's just say that the boy makes good use of his tongue, and his hands were in all of the right places. More cuddling on the couch when NotCharlotte returns and then more mad making out when she goes upstairs again. Insert a little guitar playing into the mix, and a drunk NotCharlotte and NotMiranda were swooning. Eventually my old ass passed out on the couch, and this is when NotCharlotte steps up to the plate. As I'm dozing, NotCharlotte is making out with NotGraceful on the floor! From what I hear, it was pretty damned steamy.

Somehow the weekend had spiralled into some odd, shared makeout fest. You all should know by now that I am typically a jealous ho, but I've been over NotGraceful** for awhile and have turned my attention elsewhere. I actually wasn't jealous at all (shock!). I can't help going deep on this one, though, and wondering if this isn't just more evidence of my fear of commitment and getting too into someone.***


*We'll leave out most of the details for the sake of brevity.
**And, really, who am I to talk? I was snogging on NotCharlotte's NotBeast earlier in the evening.
***This sentence deserves some explaining, but that's just going to have to wait. Soon, my pretties.

I let my fingers do the walking...

Disclaimer: This post is not for those faint of sex. Meaning if you are in any shape, form or fashion squicked at the idea of anything sexual...first, why are you reading this blog and second you may want to duck and cover.

I consider myself a sexual creature by nature. I like the idea of sex. The idea of bodies sliding against each other, the thought of long slow kisses that lead to being caught between a wall and a hard place and you're not doing it right if you haven't broken a sweat by the time you're done. So why this post you may ask...why the homage to sex with two people when I am clearly single...? Because no one else seems to be willing to broach the topic of masturbation.

Call it what you like, but getting down and dirty with yourself can be just as sexually satisfying as getting it on with someone else. In some cases you know exactly where to touch, what will send you flying and where the "no spot" lies (the "no spot" for those of you playing our home game is that spot that will kill your quality time with yourself quick, equate it with having your worst sexual partner enter that fantasy you had of Brad Pitt or Dr. McDreamy).

But while polite society can talk about all manners of sex with someone else, they've forgotten that some of the best sex we have is with ourselves and some had a slight sexual awakening beneath the sheets when a hand brushed a nipple *yeah I said the "n" word* or near the clit *gasp the "c" word too!* in the tossing and turning at night.

The other side benefit of masturbation is that you can teach your lover your favorite spots as well. Hey, not everyone is a porn star the first time they jump into the sack. You have to learn somewhere, and if you're not willing to test out your sexual responses by yourself to at least know what you don't like, then you have no reason to complain when someone does something you don't like, especially if you're not willing to voice your dislike.

To play the sex card, its more readily accepted that men will masturbate, despite detractors and "hairy palm" rumors, its easier to understand that men will "shake hands with the president," "wag the dog", "drain the lizard" Edit - I've just been told I've given euphemisms for urination...so I replace them with "choking the chicken", "hands on training" and any of a host of other euphemisms for masturbating, instead of women. I grew up hearing from my male friends how many times they could get it up and then set it off over a weekend, or if they had had time to get 'r done (sorry NotCarrie I couldn't resist) before school that morning. I have to ask...what about women? Why aren't we laughing about how long it took us to get there? or if multiple O's almost made us late for class/work?

I suggest breaking some new ground here and now. Ladies make your mark on yourself. Make masturbation a part of your sexual education. Even if you're not prepared to talk about it as boldly as I am. Let your fingers do the walking...and maybe even some talking, as they tell you things about yourself and your sexuality you probably never knew.

Have a good walk.

Getting rid of the half-pipe

I've spent a lot of time this past year being bold, stepping out, and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it. Perhaps this is fortuitous given the fact that one of my current interests, NotManga, is on the shy side. He's creative, quirky and way too nice for me. An artist who can sew his own clothes and walks his own path. We've developed a rapport, but how do I indicate interest without resorting to the more blunt NotMiranda? Am I just asking for trouble liking a quiet guy? Girls (cough), if NotManga were to be present at any birthday celebration, I would be ok with that (cough).

Stand Inside Your Love

Everyone always says "relationships are hard work", right? We know this part. What I'm wondering is why the before part takes so much work, too. We're all bumbling around, trying to meet people and make connections, hoping that one of them will work out and will result in something real and special. This process, though...it can really suck and I can only wonder if I'm doing it incorrectly, or if I'm just in the process and need to be patient.

I don't know how to do anything but be myself. And I don't want this to come across as a self-confidence issue because really, if there's one thing I don't lack it's self-confidence, but so far, being "just me" isn't doing much. I think there's a difference in going out to a bar and hooking up with some guy. I can do that. I know how that process works, but I'm kind of over it. It was more the "college NotCarrie" that did that more and now it seems like I'm in a different place*.

Like with most instances in my life, I got to thinking about all of this as I listened to a song. "Stand Inside Your Love" by the Smashing Pumpkins:

who wouldn't be the one you love and live for
who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for
who wouldn't be the one you love

I mean really...he should be so lucky, right? I'm a hott catch:)




*Cliche!

High-Maintenance

I wondered out loud the other day if I come across as high-maintenance. Like, maybe guys see me, or know me, and assume I'm going to require a lot out of them or out of a relationship. Do I come across as the type of girl who needs to be taken to fancy, expensive restaurants and wined and dined? Does it seem like I want to go out every Friday and Saturday night? Dressing up and hitting the town each and every weekend?

NotMiranda could only give her already biased point of view that no, I do not come across as high-maintenance, and while I value her opinion, it's not the one I need right now. I can't help but wonder if I do in fact come across as someone who wouldn't be content to stay in and watch a movie on a Friday night. Let's just go on a relaxing car drive on a Saturday afternoon. Sunday night TV? Count me in!

Not to say that I don't like the more exciting things in life because holy hell do I! But, and this is incredibly cheesy and worthy of a romantic comedy movie, when you're with someone you really like (or for the love of Pete, love) doing the more mundane things in life can get that much more exciting.

Sure, right now in my life I might go a little stir crazy staying home all weekend, but if I'm staying home with someone who's company I truely enjoy? It will be anything but dull.

I just wonder sometimes if other people's perceptions of me aren't correct.

Eavesdropping

I'm sitting on a train eavesdropping on a couple near me, and I have to tell you that what I'm hearing is terrifying. The man and woman travellong together are likely coworkers. One married, the other single. Both are somewhere in their 40s-50s. Listening to the single woman talk about being on match.com and guys winking at her. I know for certain that I don't want to still be talking about this crap at 50.

Cold Hands

You know what's really nice when it's chilly out?

Holding hands:)

So much better than sweaty, summer hand-holding.

Alert: I Might Be Back

I had a meeting in my college town yesterday afternoon and instead of continuing to be angry about my friends sucking at life last weekend, I decided to risk rush hour traffic to get some of my favorite coffee and to say hello to NotDreds. I had joked with NotMiranda that I was going to makeout with him somehow so I would have stories to regale you guys with, but it wouldn't have worked out anyway because I had to visit him at work.

NotDreds was unfortunately a little down and not his flirty self. Although, to be fair, I think we usually hit it our suggestive strides when drinks are in our hands. And we usually connect over being annoyed with the drunk people at the bars.

But I digress. So while I did not get my flirt on with NotDreds I DID get some good words in with his coworker, NotNewbie. NotDreds got a work call while I was there so I moved my attention to NotNewbie who yes, was obviously a little younger than me, but I think that worked in my favor. I had this theory I unofficially tried out a few years back, when I first started hanging out with NotRoger. He was a few years younger than I was and I think the age difference somehow kept me in control. It's hard to explain, and it's not some concrete thing I believe in at all, but I definitely noticed it when talking to NotNewbie. My words were flowing and I had the flirty eyes and facial expressions going. I had him laughing and making cute comments back. I was so in control of that conversation. I had to knock it off quickly though because NotDreds had come back and I didn't want him to accuse me of trying to rob any cradles though. And no, I'm not after NotNewbie. I'll probably never see him again, but he was a good way to ease back into the game.

NotCarrie is back!

Match me up, Scotty!

As most of you know, I have been dabbling in the world of online dating. Last Thursday I went on a date with NotScruffy, someone I met from Match.com. We met at an Irish pub and drank beer while talking about most of the things we didn’t discuss in our daily phone calls/ instant messenger interactions. He was scruffy (of course), had a cute smile, and there were no breaks in conversation.

No problem, right?

I’m a crazy cunt then, because I found several problems with our date.

Over the past few months I have realized that I am a very judgmental person. I am also a big “first impression” sort of person. These two facets combined create my alter ego… I like to call her Contessa Judgey. I walked around the corner to where he was supposed to meet me and was immediately taken by his… tallness. This dude was the Tarzan to my meek little Jane—but not necessarily in a good way. I immediately thought to myself, how am I supposed to kiss him? Will he hunch over when we hug? At least he smelled nice.

I introduced myself and we proceeded into the bar. We sat ourselves in a little corner table, a perfect spot for people watching and I began one of my favorite poses: right leg crossed over left, body leaning forward, chin cupped slightly in right hand while left arm pushes up the girls to full attention. This pose is not only attractive, it also primes my body to swivel any which way to view the many people that inhabited this bar. I do believe my date liked this pose because he kept looking at me instead of the people I was talking about. Everything was going fine until the waitress came up to get our drink order. Imagine, if you will, a character from Dr. Seuss’ best loved classic “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” She was little Miss Cindy Lou Who, only with dark hair, complete with a ponytail… right on top of her head.

Come on folks, this is perfect fodder for a comment. I waited until she was done getting our order and well out of earshot, then told NotScruffy of my findings. If U2 weren’t playing so loudly, I think I would have heard crickets. Or the sound of his eyelids blinking, like in the cartoon I was using my comparison for. I chuckled softly and went on to explain that when I make comments like this they may sound judgmental, however they are absolutely, 100% honest reflections of how people look or act. I went on to explain that I would expect anyone else to make the same comments about me, however since I am perfect in every single way (much like Mary Poppins), it rarely happens. Finally, a laugh out of him.

After that, I think he loosened up a bit (could have been the Guinness) and he started to realize that I was correct in the stereotyping of our dear makeover candidate of a server. He then proceeded to “give me a hard time” about everything and while it was amusing, but after awhile it became repetitive because he couldn’t find that much to give me crap for.

Perhaps I was the one giving him a hard time. However, our online and phone conversations went a lot more towards the type of chit chat I like. Looking back, I realize that he was probably nervous, seeing as it was our first actual date and I feel bad for overanalyzing his moves. However, I am smart enough to realize that I am really not physically attracted to him. I knew from the minute I saw him that I could not see us “getting it on.” James Mercer, of The Shins fame, told Jane magazine something to the effect that first dates are for seeing if you would be compatible in a physical relationship.

I also realize that I may have gotten my hopes up too high for this guy. That could be the reason why I was nonplussed about our date. We spoke for 3 weeks online and on the phone before even meeting and I had created in my mind the perfect guy to have a relationship. When it finally “happened” I realized that my imagined man was in no way comparable to the man that sat in front of me, talking about basketball and not laughing at my comment about our Dr. Seuss wannabe.

I could go further into my analysis of the date, however I think this is enough fodder for you all to give me your opinions of dating online, or thoughts on what first dates are, or even your worst first dates ever. Anything to make me feel better about my judging abilities! Should I give him a second date, just to see if, given a different setting and not “first date jitters,” it’s different? Or should I go with my gut instinct and move on?

Attitude adjustment

I don't consider myself particularly kinky, but who knows. We seem to find out new information about ourselves all the time, right?

This weekend appears to have been very ass centric. Saturday night, I was messing with NotDarling at the part-time gig, when he slaps me with a hard high five. I remark on how hard he hits, and he retorts back with how much I like it. Ever the jokester, I came back with "not unless you're smacking my ass," as I'm whirling around and headed in the other direction. That bastard smacks my ass. Hard. I actually screamed, drawing way too much attention to myself, my flaming cheeks, and the fact that I was engaging in seemingly nefarious activity.

Sunday rolls around and what I consider everyone's fascination with my ass continues. I'm again at the part-time where I'm helping a customer sporting a t-shirt with a full-on "shocker"* sign. As I raise my eyebrow and smirk, he maintains his cocky stance but apologizes. I assured him he has nothing to apologize for and walked him around to where the books he was interested in should have been. As I'm walking ahead and prattling on, I feel his hand hit my ass. Seriously. He could have been swinging his arms a little too exuberantly or maybe he couldn't resist the tush. I like to think a guy confident enough to sport a "shocker" tee and asking for the kinds of books he was asking for would be more apt to give a test tap than swing his arms. It's more fun in the telling anyway.

So, it's Monday afternoon, and I find myself wondering if maybe it's me with the ass smacking obsession. The slight kink. Who knows. Perhaps I'll have a chance to test my theories out in a few short weeks. ; )


*It should be known that I obtained all knowledge of what both the shocker and a dirty sanchez are from NotDarling. Get your minds out of the gutters...it was purely an intellectual discussion.

Empty Nights And Empty Flirting

Like I said before, this weekend is Homecoming at my college. I was planning on going and had even been in contact with my peeps to meet up. Now though? I'm totally not feeling it. I texted my friend earlier asking where they would be and have yet to hear anything. I know I should call and maybe try to get in touch with someone else, but I'd rather just wallow right now and wonder why noone is missing my company.

It's still very early in the night, I know. But come 10 or 11pm when I get the "Are you here?" texts and calls, I'm going to either be sitting at home, watching bad TV or at a friend's party an hour and a half away.

And the mood I'm in? So not a good one to be in if I go there because I know I'll just end up in an even worse one. A lot of my Notblogging has been inspired by nights out there with NotRoger, NotDreds, NotTownie, etc., but a lot of the times I go there, it's just a lot of empty flirting. And what good is empty flirting? It sucks. It leaves me feeling crappy and I don't want to feel crappy. It's my one day off of the week and I want to be in a good, happy mood.

I'll let you know what I decide to do...

Emptying the coffee pot...

I hate decaf coffee.

Seriously, I'm a full caffeine girl. I get no less than four espresso shots in any Fourbucks drink that I order and I'm proud of it. And I don't need no stinkin' half caff anything. Give me full flavor or no flavor at all. However, lately I've been less than caffeinated. In fact, I've been down right, decaf, worse, I've become instant decaf coffee!

"Are you becoming a hermit?" is what has been asked of me lately. And the more I think about it the easier I find the answer being yes. Why, you may ask. Well, here's what I've come up with:

I'm not dating (and not actively looking), I don't find the need to go out much or see the people I would normally see very often. I've slowly been pulling myself more and more away from friends and in some cases family. I've got a few people that see me regularly, either at work or out and about and that's pretty much it. Unless I promise promise to be there, I find some excuse not to make it.

I'm not feeling particularly attractive right now. I've been spending way more time than I would like to admit thinking about the looks that people get. For women, I think that in some cases we want to be noticed and when we are the ego gets a bit of a boost. Especially, when the eyes doing the staring are of the male variety and they're followed up by the approach of said male. Right now, I'm digging my own hole because I'm not going out, hence not getting any once over (let alone twice or thrice overs) and therefore no ego boost. Endless cycle this one.

I hate sleeping alone, but I'm not up to the challenge of finding someone to curl up with. This goes back to point number one. I'm not dating, but I'm not doing anything about it either. This funk...is a revisit of the previous one after the breakup with NotSkippy and I guess what I've got now are the lingering traces...the dregs in the coffee that was our relationship, if you will.

This weekend I've got a house party/house warming for a friend who just moved into my neighborhood and already I've been contemplating what excuses to give so I can just stay in with my back to my tv and my fingers on my keyboard. What would make a plausible reason for me to not drive, hell walk, the 1/2 mile to this party and hang out for a bit? I've come up with a few, but they don't hold any water at all. I can't even fool myself.

To top all of this off, my body has even started to be effected by my lack of a caffeinated personality. I've been sick...and I don't do sick. So, tomorrow is Friday, the kickoff of my weekend...sorta. I'm going to start it with one major kick of real espresso and go from there. If I can't find something to get me jumpstarted and soon, peaberry coffee won't even be enough to bring me back.

*holds out empty demitasse*

Fill 'er up!

Really Hott Friends

My last two years of college were filled with a lot of really hott guys. Not necessarily guys with whom I made out with or anything, but still, they were hott. I had really hott friends. So, with really hott, male friends comes a lot of crushes on really hot, male friends.

This weekend is my college's Homecoming and since I live so close, I'll probably stop by. Usually this would mean I would be excited to go back to my ol' stompin grounds where I would get to run into all of those really hott, male friends. (Have I mentioned they're hott?) This year, though, not so much. I'm not itching to get there or anything and just don't feel like putting my flirt on with them.

Last year I accidently got drunk which resulted in me flirting A LOT with my friend, NotCharming. It didn't lead anywhere (surprisingly, actually) which is a good thing and I now know not to race when drinking Hurricane drinks at chinese restaurants. NotTownie and Notdreds will also be around like they were last year, but do I care about flirting with them? Not really.

It's odd. It's like I'm settling down or something weird, but not by choice. I'm sure I'll get it back soon. Maybe with cooler temperatures comes cooler NotCarrie...

Worthy

Tonight I got what I needed, attention I wasn't getting from one of the current crushes. I'm not especially selfish, but I needed tonight to be all about me.

I knew we would be ok as we pulled away from apartment building. He wanted me, and all I wanted was to be wanted. His hand on my thigh in the car, driving fast like he knew it excited me. Dinner was comforting. Italian. Conversation just argumentative enough for my taste.

He was enough...tall enough, dark enough. Agressive enough when he took me back to his office to show me around. A bit pretentious (size doesn't matter when it comes to offices), but I let any irritation slip away when he backed me in a corner for one of those kisses.

The attention whore in me got what she wanted.

Virginville

Jane Magazine, in their continuing coverage of our favorite virgin Sarah's quest to get laid, has compiled a list of other, later-aged virgins.

Gary Coleman- Said he was the big V back at age 30 and hasn't given an update since. I would bet money the man has at least paid someone to sleep with him since then. Isn't he all weird now? Didn't he freak out on The Surreal Life or something?

Jessica Simpson- Was 22. It would be weird to know this, but she's the one who said she was waiting until marriage and we all know when she got married. Poor Nick.

Katie Holmes- 26. Ew ew ew. We all know what happened here: Tom Cruise, scientology, and cold sores. Poor Chris Klein. Sucks his baby is being raised by another man.

Adriana Lima- She's 25? You might not know who this is. She's a model, therefore she's hott. And no, Isabella Snow, I am not going to go after women just bc it's been a little dull in the male department;)

Jane Austen- The magazine says 1775-1817. Is that when she died? That sucks. Ahh, thank you, Wikipedia, that IS when she died. Sucks for her. No wonder her characters were so pressed. She wrote what she knew.

Kennedy- The MTV VJ, not the President. Apparently she was 28. I bet it was with that one news guy who has been working there since what seems like the beginning of MTV.

Hitler- Says he had sexual dysfunctions. Hmmmm. I think it was the mustache.

Absolutely Nothing

I just sat here for like, 10 minutes trying to think of something to write about and I've got to be honest with you: I've got nothing.

There are no proscpects at work.

There are no prospects at the second job.

There are no males at class (Seriously. I know, can you believe it?)

I haven't spoken to NotRoger, NotDreds, or NotTownie in awhile so there's nothing exciting there.

I no longer work with the married guy and NotTaylor and no, we never had happy hour.

I'm not even interacting with male friends enough right now to read into things.


THINGS SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE SHAKEN UP! This is ridiculous. I'm glad my Notboos have things going on.

Twitterpated.

So things are progressing with one of the matchmates. NotSmart (who will now be known as NotScruffy) has become the only person that I now communicate from that site. Well, actually he's the only guy I'm currently talking to, period. Over the past week we've talked every single day, for hours at a time. He's on a work trip across the country, so the time difference is a bit of a challenge to deal with (especially last night, since I stayed up until 4am talking to him on the phone) but it's given us a chance to get to know each other without the nervousness of actually meeting.
I think I'm starting to really like him. This is odd for me, since usually I need to see a potential date-mate in person to know if I want to date them. No, I'm not superficial, I can just "feel" vibes with someone. But with him it's different. Our phone conversation last night was two hours long, with no breaks in conversation. Of course, it did help that I was pretty tipsy, so I talked quite a bit, but I do believe that is more my style of conversation anyway. (Talking a lot, not acting like I'm tipsy).
He gets back early next week and we're already planning something fun for us to do. Be prepared because I do believe this blog will be my place of detailing every single thing that happens from here on out... kind of like how it's supposed to be anyway.

As for NotEmo, he's completely out of the picture. This dude was more of a girl than I am! He was whiny and such a complainer, I knew that we wouldn't "match." Hah.

"But Why?"

I had at least five people ask me yesterday, "Are you married?" and "Why not?"

Now, granted they were all kids, but still, seriously???? So after they would ask me that I would say, "I'm too young to be married!" and would have them guess my age. The most common answer was 21.

Again...seriously??

Silly cunts

Nothing is easy. This is the message I was continually knocked up side the head with last week. Nothing is easy, especially when it comes to relationships.

The deliverers of this harbinger of "be prepared" were none other than friends, coworkers, and, of course, The Last Kiss. Here I am, crushing along, when I hear that NotBride has been separated from her husband for 2 months and is already in couple's therapy. This is a dear friend whose wedding I attended in June and whose wedding video I was still editing. They seemed so in love, so right. Then there was NotRed, who just returned to work after having her second child. She works some nights with me at the bookstore. One evening after her husband called, she filled me in on what exactly he was always calling about. He was freaking out because he just can't handle the baby. He was sobbing about how he couldn't handle it and was tempted to drop the baby with a neighbor and just start walking. He said the tike was going to give him a heart attack. He demanded NotRed quit her job despite the fact that it puts food on the table.

Both these stories made my heart hurt. Why is love, along with so many other things in life, so painful? Shouldn't something so grand eventually get easy? For fuck's sake, we spend enough time second guessing ourselves and primping that we deserve something to go smoothly! To top it off, the two silly cunts (myself and NotCharlotte) took themselves to see The Last Kiss this past Friday. I don't want to give anything away, but holy hell. Is someone trying to send me a message? I was ready to walk out mid movie and drown my sorrows in a nice merlot. Instead, I stuck around and saw the light.

The (en)light(enment)? Nothing is easy, especially relationships. If they're worth it, then you fight for it. You sacrifice and maybe even give a little of yourself. Sigh.

The fine art of shopping for porn...

Hello my name is NotSamantha and I like PORN. *holds up badge*

That's right, I said it...PORN (in all caps). Did anyone duck, did you run screaming into the night. No? Good. Because if you had then I wouldn't want you reading my post anyway.

For all of you who maintain that shopping for, looking at and anything dealing with porn is for the skeazy old men out there who trolls for sweet young things on the 'net, please exit the blog now and return to your regularly scheduled Stepford lives.

*ahem*

There is just something about going to my local porn store. I walk in and I always expect to see several guys who are sneaking peeks over there shoulder to make sure their girlfriend/wife/significant other isn't going to walk in and catch them in the act of picking up the latest volume of Boob Squad 8. Instead this weekend I walked in and there was no one. Just the clerk on the phone and me. It was kind of fun having the place to myself. The clerk even asked me if I needed any help and didn't sound condescending while doing it.

Needless to say I don't buy just anything with T & A taking up the cover. I've got some standards. Since I've found that PORN is one of my favorite forms of entertainment, I've had to come up with some criteria, of which I will list here:

1) My pornpeople must be pretty. That's right, I'm shallow. I want all of my pornpeeps to be preened within an inch of their life. They should be waxed, dyed and smooth of bum and *ahem*.

2) My pornstories must be short on plot. I prefer, the plotless. I mean seriously, its porn, I'm not going to discuss the technical merits of camera angles and how they enhance boob size. I am however going to discuss....

3) My pornpeople should have good 'o' faces. If you can't fake it and fake it well, the what the hell am I giving you 20 bucks a dvd for? Fake it like you make it. Gratuitous use of moaning is not appealing.

4) My porn must have extras. I want sneak peeks of the other stuff you do. I could care less about star biographies, but give me lots of extras with more of the nude.

These four things are what I'm looking for as I flip through the countless racks of dvds. Sometimes there are particular people I have in mind, but mostly I'm in it for the nekkid. So what about you guys. Be honest, I know you shop for it at some point. Whether you're dragged in by your crazy friend or you stroll in of your own will. Wear your PORN badge with pride, just make sure its facing front so everyone else can see it.