O!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Best And Worst Of It

I keep getting invitations on Facebook to take those likeness quizzes, which are always about sex. Why is that, anyway?

It got me thinking, though. What is the worst thing to happen while having sex? Or, where is the best place to makeout? Or even, ways to get rid of a bad date.

So here are my thoughts on the matters at hand. Some are from the actual pages, but some I'm just saying on my own. And omg don't even try to think these things have necessarily happened to me. Please add your own thoughts in the comment section.

Worst Things To Happen While Having Sex:

• Someone walks in (especially a relative).
• Someone yells the wrong name (Just don't yell names, ok?)
• Dog starts to hump, too. (This was on the FB one. OMG, I would die. That's disgusting.)
• He turns out to be a she...or vice versa.
• Someone has a gastrointestinal problem. (EW)
• Fall off the bed and gets hurt.
• Someone has to vomit.

Best Places To Makeout:

• On a couch.
• On a pier.
• In a car.
• Elevator
• Pool/Ocean/Hot tub
• Wait, where is it NOT good to makeout? As long as it's not excessively PDAish, right?

Ways To Get Rid Of A Bad Date:

• Sick
• Be honest
• Change the clocks so it seems later.
• Food poisoning

Ways To Be Turned On:

• Slow, Intent Kissing
• Porn (Not for this girl, though. No thank you.)
• Back rub/Massage
• Dirty Talk (This can so border on funny, though.)
• Holding Hands
• Alcohol

So...what do you have to add to the lists?

what the fuck

Because really the title couldn't sum up this entire series of events better. NotTutorBoy is gone. He has completely disappeared from the face of the earth. You'll remember last Wednesday's chemistry experiment that had me risking extreme exhibitionism and him uttering "you're so fucking sexy." Things were good. I got out of his car with him talking about how he couldn't wait to see me on Saturday. Saturday was the promise of mad, hot sex. You'll also remember that he pursued me for almost two months before finally asking me out, and then we had to wait another three weeks for our schedules to mesh.

Why go to all of this trouble, giving absolutely no negative signs only to disappear like Houdini? Even if he was only in it for the sex*, he was pretty much guaranteed sex on Saturday, so why bail before the big payoff?

I email him on Friday to tell him about my plans for Saturday and tell him he needs to let me know when he wants to meet up. No response on Friday, but I'm not too worried. I figure we're all busy at work, right? Saturday rolls around, and I continued on with my plans for the day assuming he would call at some point. Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing. By Saturday evening I was at the bar with the girls and some other guys and definitely disappointed**. I leave a voicemail on Sunday evening to find out what has changed. No response. Nothing on Monday. Tuesday is tutoring day, and he doesn't show. Nothing. He has vanished, and I can't figure out why.

Ah well...not enough time to form a serious attachment. We've decided he must have died. Sucks for him.


*And for someone only in it for nookie, he sure worked really hard to get it and is definitely someone who could be getting it plenty of other places.

**We won't even get into the sexual frustration.

Drive fast, speed turns me on

Last night was date #2* with the new guy. NotTutorBoy** met me at the bookstore around 7, and I'll be damned if he didn't look good. We took off for the local pool hall where I promptly lost two games in a row. Sadly, despite my best efforts, my mind was so not on the pool game. The chemistry we share is pretty fucking undeniable. I'm not sure if it's meant to cloud the mind, and I really don't care. I can just say that 30 minutes into the date and my goal of keeping this date on the tame side had evaporated. All day had been spent overthinking and battling my internal demons, and in just few short minutes, I had clarity. Go with the flow and have fun won out over obsessive and have fun is exactly what I did.

There is a very bold, forward side to my personality, and she kind of took over last night. I get high tempting fate, living on the edge***. I must have been high on whatever that chemical is that fuels our sex drive because I bloody tap danced all over that edge last night. Road head barreling down I-66 as I accidentally kept slipping the car into neutral...pressed up against the car with the wind adding to the atmosphere...parked between school buses and witnessing what has to be the fastest leap from the back seat to the front seat all the while starting the car to avoid security...windows completely fogged over.

All of that and I still didn't have sex with him. He says I'm torturous. We're hanging out Saturday, and I think it's time to end the stand off ; )


*Yes, I'm calling it a date despite what you heathens might think!

**I figure he deserves a name. Thanks, NotCarrie. : )

***Hello...this is the girl who wants to live in Africa. Haha.

And the world's biggest cock tease award goes to...

So tonight’s date has been cancelled. He called last night when I got off because there was an emergency that popped up at work with a new project, and he is being flown to Maine this morning for meetings all weekend. Bust. He explains how disappointed he is. He then asks if I want to come over right now…share a drink. It was 1:00 am. I know what you’re thinking because I was thinking the same thing. Was this just a hook up? Was I sending the wrong message by going over there in the middle of the night? Screw it. I like this guy and was into the idea of some action. I took a deep breath and wrote down directions to his house.

(below is the series of emails I sent NotCarrie...much easier than trying to tell you the story any different way.)

I got there and refused to go inside until he told me he wasn't crazy. It was nice because we actually talked, and he didn't jump me right away. Also nice because we share similar viewpoints on life and interests. The second drink and he sits closer (I sat down first this time). All of a sudden, wham, he kisses me and we're making out on the couch. I become very aware that he has an erection and tell him I don't want to get him going too much...

...he's a good kisser and figured out pretty quickly I liked to be kissed on my neck. Anyway, he moves back into his personal space, and we talk some more. Pretty much the rest of the night is this push-pull thing of making out and me keeping him at bay from taking it further. We were in the kitchen and (blush) he pretty much puts me on the counter. I couldn't let that go on for long because it was too hott and would have went south fast....

When we're headed back to the couch after the kitchen he comes up behind me and pulls my hair a little. Also kind of hott. Am going to skip what he did next but, again, he was held at bay (too bad because it was really nice). I told him I needed to leave by 3, and he kept saying I needed to stay. I told him we weren't doing this tonight. Said what would he think of me. Seriously, I like this guy and didn’t want to be the easy lay. Maybe I am old-fashioned ; ) He gets all excited because he says he has the perfect song. He goes running off to his car to grab it, only to come back empty handed. He tells me it's this Andre 3000 song about the girl worrying what the guy would think and the guy thinking she just knew what she wanted, blah, blah. Anyway, his ploy to get me to stay.

He says I have to at least come up and see his quarters. I knew this was a bad idea but went anyway. What the hell. I like house tours. Anyway, he pushes me up against the wall and eventually the bed for more kissing. Only problem is that on the bed I can definitely feel a certain something wanting make a grand entrance. He was more persistent, and I'll admit harder to resist. Part of me was about to go for it. However, I didn't. I pushed him off and got up. Told him I had to leave and that it was hotter to leave him wanting. Hahahaha. I told him I wanted him to be hard all day today because he didn't get any. Yes, I'm a bitch. Poor guy could barely make it down the stairs. A few more requests to stay, and I made it out the door and home. We'll see if he calls ; )

49%

The short story would be: I had a realllllly good birthday.


The longer, but not so long you get bored, story goes something like this:

We shopped. We ate. We walked. We drank. And then it was time to go out for my birthday, and that is when the fun started. With just a vague plan for the evening, we set out looking our hottest back to where we had seen a bunch of bars and pubs earlier in the day. Our original plan had been to do a pub crawl of sorts up the street, drinking and flirting as we went along-our own little path of destruction in honor of my birthday. The plan changed, though, when we ordered our first drinks at the Peculiar Pub and met NotRugby* and NotButtonDown, two gents from the motherland (England.)

Ummmm, I'm a sucker for an accent, as are many other women, and that, mixed with some charm went a looooong way last night. And it's interesting because we started off the evening just talking and being funny with the occasional flirting or eye-batting going on. A few beers and rum and cokes later was a different story. I guess as the birthday girl it was understood I got one of them...at least, that's how I saw it in my head:) NotCharlotte stepped up like a champ and worked it and reversed it with the other. Although by then everything was muddled and it was a blur of flirting, ass-grabbing, and propositions.

Ahhh yes, the propositions! "Sex or nothing" I was told. NotButtonDown was very into the idea of getting me and NotCharlotte back to their hotel room and well, about 49% of me was into the idea, too. Just enough of me was sensible enough to not go to a random hotel room where it was very obvious what was expected. I really wanted to kiss him (at least), though, but I guess it was his m.o. to make me wait for everything. Well, not everything, I guess. He also had another interesting tactic for getting me to go back with him and holy hell it probably increased my wanting to go to 49.999999999999999%.

But I have good friends who don't let their other good, drunk friends go off with random men-no matter how cute they are and how hott their accents are. *sigh* So, while part of me still wishes I was blogging about the hott night spent with NotButtonDown at his hotel room, the majority of me knows I made the correct decision.


(Do guys really get blue balls?? If so...sorry, NotButtonDown. I did offer to take you to the back, so really, it was your loss. Thanks for an awesome birthday and if the card with our url that I so kindly and 'gently' placed into your pants pocket actually made it back with you**, then please let us know. )

Happy Birthday to me!


*Although the jury is still out as to whether he would be NotRugby or Notnotrugby-get it?
**HAHAHA, Although I just realized that if he looked at the card later in the night he would have read, "No Sex & The City," which just seems like cruel and unusual punishment at that point. And after all of that beer, he probably couldn't even focus on the url. Hilarious. I just hope he forgets about it until he gets home and does laundry..."What is this?"...