Virginville

Jane Magazine, in their continuing coverage of our favorite virgin Sarah's quest to get laid, has compiled a list of other, later-aged virgins.

Gary Coleman- Said he was the big V back at age 30 and hasn't given an update since. I would bet money the man has at least paid someone to sleep with him since then. Isn't he all weird now? Didn't he freak out on The Surreal Life or something?

Jessica Simpson- Was 22. It would be weird to know this, but she's the one who said she was waiting until marriage and we all know when she got married. Poor Nick.

Katie Holmes- 26. Ew ew ew. We all know what happened here: Tom Cruise, scientology, and cold sores. Poor Chris Klein. Sucks his baby is being raised by another man.

Adriana Lima- She's 25? You might not know who this is. She's a model, therefore she's hott. And no, Isabella Snow, I am not going to go after women just bc it's been a little dull in the male department;)

Jane Austen- The magazine says 1775-1817. Is that when she died? That sucks. Ahh, thank you, Wikipedia, that IS when she died. Sucks for her. No wonder her characters were so pressed. She wrote what she knew.

Kennedy- The MTV VJ, not the President. Apparently she was 28. I bet it was with that one news guy who has been working there since what seems like the beginning of MTV.

Hitler- Says he had sexual dysfunctions. Hmmmm. I think it was the mustache.

Absolutely Nothing

I just sat here for like, 10 minutes trying to think of something to write about and I've got to be honest with you: I've got nothing.

There are no proscpects at work.

There are no prospects at the second job.

There are no males at class (Seriously. I know, can you believe it?)

I haven't spoken to NotRoger, NotDreds, or NotTownie in awhile so there's nothing exciting there.

I no longer work with the married guy and NotTaylor and no, we never had happy hour.

I'm not even interacting with male friends enough right now to read into things.


THINGS SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE SHAKEN UP! This is ridiculous. I'm glad my Notboos have things going on.

Twitterpated.

So things are progressing with one of the matchmates. NotSmart (who will now be known as NotScruffy) has become the only person that I now communicate from that site. Well, actually he's the only guy I'm currently talking to, period. Over the past week we've talked every single day, for hours at a time. He's on a work trip across the country, so the time difference is a bit of a challenge to deal with (especially last night, since I stayed up until 4am talking to him on the phone) but it's given us a chance to get to know each other without the nervousness of actually meeting.
I think I'm starting to really like him. This is odd for me, since usually I need to see a potential date-mate in person to know if I want to date them. No, I'm not superficial, I can just "feel" vibes with someone. But with him it's different. Our phone conversation last night was two hours long, with no breaks in conversation. Of course, it did help that I was pretty tipsy, so I talked quite a bit, but I do believe that is more my style of conversation anyway. (Talking a lot, not acting like I'm tipsy).
He gets back early next week and we're already planning something fun for us to do. Be prepared because I do believe this blog will be my place of detailing every single thing that happens from here on out... kind of like how it's supposed to be anyway.

As for NotEmo, he's completely out of the picture. This dude was more of a girl than I am! He was whiny and such a complainer, I knew that we wouldn't "match." Hah.

"But Why?"

I had at least five people ask me yesterday, "Are you married?" and "Why not?"

Now, granted they were all kids, but still, seriously???? So after they would ask me that I would say, "I'm too young to be married!" and would have them guess my age. The most common answer was 21.

Again...seriously??

Silly cunts

Nothing is easy. This is the message I was continually knocked up side the head with last week. Nothing is easy, especially when it comes to relationships.

The deliverers of this harbinger of "be prepared" were none other than friends, coworkers, and, of course, The Last Kiss. Here I am, crushing along, when I hear that NotBride has been separated from her husband for 2 months and is already in couple's therapy. This is a dear friend whose wedding I attended in June and whose wedding video I was still editing. They seemed so in love, so right. Then there was NotRed, who just returned to work after having her second child. She works some nights with me at the bookstore. One evening after her husband called, she filled me in on what exactly he was always calling about. He was freaking out because he just can't handle the baby. He was sobbing about how he couldn't handle it and was tempted to drop the baby with a neighbor and just start walking. He said the tike was going to give him a heart attack. He demanded NotRed quit her job despite the fact that it puts food on the table.

Both these stories made my heart hurt. Why is love, along with so many other things in life, so painful? Shouldn't something so grand eventually get easy? For fuck's sake, we spend enough time second guessing ourselves and primping that we deserve something to go smoothly! To top it off, the two silly cunts (myself and NotCharlotte) took themselves to see The Last Kiss this past Friday. I don't want to give anything away, but holy hell. Is someone trying to send me a message? I was ready to walk out mid movie and drown my sorrows in a nice merlot. Instead, I stuck around and saw the light.

The (en)light(enment)? Nothing is easy, especially relationships. If they're worth it, then you fight for it. You sacrifice and maybe even give a little of yourself. Sigh.

The fine art of shopping for porn...

Hello my name is NotSamantha and I like PORN. *holds up badge*

That's right, I said it...PORN (in all caps). Did anyone duck, did you run screaming into the night. No? Good. Because if you had then I wouldn't want you reading my post anyway.

For all of you who maintain that shopping for, looking at and anything dealing with porn is for the skeazy old men out there who trolls for sweet young things on the 'net, please exit the blog now and return to your regularly scheduled Stepford lives.

*ahem*

There is just something about going to my local porn store. I walk in and I always expect to see several guys who are sneaking peeks over there shoulder to make sure their girlfriend/wife/significant other isn't going to walk in and catch them in the act of picking up the latest volume of Boob Squad 8. Instead this weekend I walked in and there was no one. Just the clerk on the phone and me. It was kind of fun having the place to myself. The clerk even asked me if I needed any help and didn't sound condescending while doing it.

Needless to say I don't buy just anything with T & A taking up the cover. I've got some standards. Since I've found that PORN is one of my favorite forms of entertainment, I've had to come up with some criteria, of which I will list here:

1) My pornpeople must be pretty. That's right, I'm shallow. I want all of my pornpeeps to be preened within an inch of their life. They should be waxed, dyed and smooth of bum and *ahem*.

2) My pornstories must be short on plot. I prefer, the plotless. I mean seriously, its porn, I'm not going to discuss the technical merits of camera angles and how they enhance boob size. I am however going to discuss....

3) My pornpeople should have good 'o' faces. If you can't fake it and fake it well, the what the hell am I giving you 20 bucks a dvd for? Fake it like you make it. Gratuitous use of moaning is not appealing.

4) My porn must have extras. I want sneak peeks of the other stuff you do. I could care less about star biographies, but give me lots of extras with more of the nude.

These four things are what I'm looking for as I flip through the countless racks of dvds. Sometimes there are particular people I have in mind, but mostly I'm in it for the nekkid. So what about you guys. Be honest, I know you shop for it at some point. Whether you're dragged in by your crazy friend or you stroll in of your own will. Wear your PORN badge with pride, just make sure its facing front so everyone else can see it.

You Can Bring Me Flowers

NotCharlotte has been incredibly busy lately.

School, work, e-dating.

Wait, what? Yeah, that's right. I've got some online boos courting me.

I decided to jumpstart my man-kharma by joining online dating sites. I have found in the past that once I create a profile (which includes the bare minimum of facts that include my love for all things that light up, the color pink, cupcakes, and music of the indie-snob fare), men in my "real" life pop out from nowhere and problem solved. This happened a few months ago when I started dating NotMarine. That didn't work out, but then NotElvis appeared. This whole NotElvis thing is not working out, so Match.com became very appealing to me. Especially once I found that there was a 3 day trial that didn't cost anything!

I didn't really think much of it and went on my merry way.
The next morning I woke up and discovered that I had been "winked" at. How 1950s! I quickly checked out the profiles of potential shaggers and discovered that out of 12 men, 3 of them seemed interesting enough to take me out on a date.

Long story short, I started instant messaging all three of them. One, NotADD, didn't make the cut after every other word out of his mouth was misspelled and describing to me his love for auto repair and getting his associates in Business so he can open up a car detailing shop with his friend.

Then there's the other two. NotSmart and NotEmo.
The first is a 26 year old graduate from NotCornell with a Masters degree and a job that sends him out to exotic locations... like San Antonio. He's got a great head on his shoulders, has got great taste in music, and gets my sense of humor. Problems: He LOVES sports and is a vegetarian. I can do the vegetarianism, it's not like i live for beef, but the sports thing? Meh.
The second one is a 23 year old indie-liberal who works in the public service. He and I have fantastic conversations about music and movies. He likes comic books and we've spoken on the phone pretty much every day. Problems: he's a bit moody (EMO) and he's an athiest. While I'm not necessarily religious, I'm fairly spiritual. We haven't gotten to that part in our conversations yet, so I'm not going to pass judgement.

When I type this out, it seems like I've already made up my mind about who I like better. I have tentative plans to meet both of them (at separate times/locations, of course. I'm not THAT good) but I'm still hesitant about it. I have never dated two men at once! How do I go about doing this? I'm afraid that I'll start a conversation with one that I had already begun with the other and have to save my ass when they're confused about what we're discussing!

Have any of you had good/bad experiences with online dating? How about dating multiple partners at once? Any insight at all would be wonderful!

One Blind Date Of A Lifetime

I think one blind date per lifetime is enough for any person. Let me tell you about mine.


I was young, like 20 or something, and agreed to go to an unnamed college in southwest VA to attend their winter formal with a friend of my friend's boyfriend. Basically, she needed someone to go with her on the ride and I guess she and her boyfriend thought it would be fun for a group of us to go. I was set to go with NotLasagna (will explain later) yet before I agreed to go, I made my friend email a less than attractive photo of me to the guy so I wouldn't show up and he'd vomit in the corner or something. My self-confidence wavered a bit just because of the title "Blind Date" so I just wanted us both to be prepared and less 'blind'. I also agreed to go because my friend promised me there would be a lot of drinking and, since I was underage, this was exciting for me.

So we finally show up after a forever long ride that included us being run off the highway and come into the guys' suite to drop our stuff off and get ready for the dance. I'm pretty sure my date and I didn't say much more than, "Nice to meet you" when introduced. It was beyond painful and the 20 year old NotCarrie was a lot more shy than the one of today. And, I hate to admit it, but he was kind of cute and I couldn't help but daydream about us having quite the attraction and ending up smitten with each other.

First we went out to dinner and that is when I knew I was going to be left out of the smittenness. Why, you may ask? Oh, because NotLasagna's ex-girlfriend was there and seemed to be the only person he could and wanted to see. I felt like an idiot sitting there at the group table with everyone while my date was off making up with his ex. Oh yes, MAKING UP WITH HER. My friend and her boyfriend were pissed and apologized to me for the situation. My friend joked, "At least you're getting a free meal? haha" so I made sure that was the best lasagna ever and yes, that's how he got his name. NotLasagna was only good for that-lasagna, which he grudgingly paid for.

As bad as dinner was, we still hadn't even gotten to the dance which was our main reason for going down there. He and I danced maybe once and the rest of the time he was with his girlfriend. You read correctly, NotLasagna by then had completely gotten back together with the ex yet was still my date and 'obligated' to be around me some. So I was slightly miserable and trying not to let it show since my friend was having a great time with her boyfriend. Oh and the alcohol? We never got to that part because my friend drank too much at the dance (where I couldn't get anything) and ended up being sick.

We stayed the next day and night too, attending the football game and hanging around the dorm. I didn't talk to NotLasagna at all which really wasn't a loss (except for maybe him.) And tailgating? That didn't happen either.

So basically, I spent my weekend NOT getting drunk and having a horrible blind date. Not a recommended way to spend one's time. But, hey, at least I got a story out of it, right?

My Back-Up

I lost my back-up. You know, my "We'll get married if we're both single when we're 40" guy. It's just one of those fun things to do after years of being friends and sharing with each other our own unrequited love problems. So it happened, one night, probably after some drinking, we decided to be each other's backups "just in case." I was a little offended when I suggested age 40 and he said 50, though, but it's okay since 40 is the new 30, right?

There was never anything more between us, but now our friendship has taken a different course and I've barely talked to him in the past year. So, I think it's time for a new backup. Not like it's a bad thing to not be married in twenty or thirty years, but I always think of my aunt who wasn't married and wanted a baby. She went to her backup and got knocked up and now has a gorgeous little girl, the light of her life. What if I'm 40 and want a child? A back up could come in handy, right? What if I'm 50 and really hankering for some lovin'? (ha!)

Do you have a backup? I'm mulling over my ideas of who should be mine and this time, I hope he's more excited to get to age 40 than the previous title holder was!

With The Lights Off

I was at a party once a few years ago, hanging out with some girl friends, when the conversation turned to sex. One of the girls was kinda drunk and talking about her boyfriend. At one point, she got up and pretended to, well, pull her butt-cheeks apart and said, "If you can't walk around in front of a guy like this, then you shouldn't be having sex with him!" (Note: she was clothed, but nakedness was implied.)


Ok, first of all, I like the idea of this statement. I think a lot of people do sleep with someone just because they think they're supposed to (especially in high school and college.) At a time when so many women (and men) are unsure of themselves, so many just throw off their clothes and start bumping uglies. Even past then, it's the "Lights Off" problem of wanting to have sex with someone, but not wanting them to see you naked. That's not good. You should feel comfortable enough with someone to be seen in your birthday suit, however different it is than you want it to be.

Second of all, OH MY GOSH, I totally disagree with her statement. I'm kind of old school of not even wanting a boyfriend to see (or hear) me use the restroom* so there is no way in hell I'm going to walk around as my friend had simulated. I think there is a definite middle ground between my first and second points. Maybe it's because I really don't want to see some guy go all Jim Carrey with his own ass-crack...


EW!


*I won't even say "pee"!

Proof of life

The following IM conversation between NotCharlotte and I proves that I will scope a man pretty much anywhere:

notmiranda: Now at emergency room..sigh.
Notcharlotte: what happened?!?!
....
notmiranda: People look their worst at hospitals.
notmiranda: I hate the place.
notmiranda: Not sure how I ever thought I'd be a doctor.
Notcharlotte: oh i know... i think it's the lighting
notmiranda: How depressing.
....
notmiranda: Of course, cute doc just poked head out.
notmiranda: Maybe I should hang out here more often...for the men ;)
Notcharlotte: oh jeez
notmiranda: Think guy who keeps coming out is nurse. Boo.
Notcharlotte: awww
Notcharlotte: men nurses can be cute
notmiranda: Woman is scratching inside her pants.
notmiranda: I need a picture.
Notcharlotte: hahahah ewwww
Notcharlotte: yes you do!
notmiranda: Def ewwwwwwww.
notmiranda: She stopped.
notmiranda: Thankfully.
Notcharlotte: hahah good
notmiranda: Her man is kind of cute though.
notmiranda: I have to be the only person stalking men in the emergencyroom.
Notcharlotte: hahah well why not?
notmiranda: Seriously...a girl has to keep her eyes peeled.
Notcharlotte: very very true
Notcharlotte: you never know...
notmiranda: True. :)
....
notmiranda: Cop just made eyes at me. Wtf.
Notcharlotte: oh yeah??
Notcharlotte: is he hot?
notmiranda: Not really. I mean he was ok. Weird. He was with a friend going in.

Head Over Feet

I had quite a bit of time to think while at work this morning. I guess that's one perk of doing menial cash register tasks for 8 straight hours. I started thinking about my exes and the commonalities they all had.
And it dawned on me. They all had an insatiable obsession with my feet.
Every time I wore sandals or dared walk on their carpet sans socks, their eyes darted right down to my well-manicured toes. I never thought much of it, but did get a bit worried when tickle fights ended with me kicking one of my ex-men furiously because he couldn't get his paws off my pale pink arches.

What is so appealing about feet? We're on them all day. They touch everything on the floor that our tongues would not dare taste. My second toes are obscenely longer than my big toes! Okay, that might be tmi, but seriously, feet? Out of all the fetishes in the world, I have to be attracted to the ones with foot obsessions.

What is YOUR fetish? Or fetishes. If enough of you volunteer your answers, I will gladly give you mine. It's good, too.

Just Me, A Deserted Island, And Five Hot Guys

Top Five Celebrities To Be Stuck On A Deserted Island With....GO!


1. Brad Pitt
2. Clive Owen
3. Justin Timberlake (sing to me, baby!)
4. Michael Vartan (speak to me in French, mmmmhmmmmm!)
5. Patrick Dempsey

Runners-Up

Ben Affleck (Don't want to break up him and Jennifer Garner)
Jared Leto (he's getting farther and farther away from Jordan Catalano, though.)
Leonardo DiCaprio (I have a feeling he'd be opposed to acting out Romeo and Juliet with me and stopping before all the deaths.)


And your top 5??

I've Got My Orange Crush

Crush Update.

NotTaylor was off the radar before I was off his location-wise which occurred last week when our paths stopped crossing. It was before that, though, that I got sick of the same ol' conversation we were having. It never moved past the annoying flirting/teasing banter and I think it is more his innability to converse than our lack of compatability past potentially "getting pens" in the supply closet.


I had a minicrush on someone from my weekend job, but it didn't last long, especially after he started dating a coworker. I like to think I could have gotten him had I been around him in time to try. It's probably for the best he started dating someone else because when the idea entered my head, I was already pretty sure it would, at most, be a fling type thing.

Anyone else? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE IS NOT! What is up with the serious lack of potentials out there? I look to fall to be a new start of sorts. With the cooler weather comes my wanting to be outside A LOT more. Maybe I'll run into some new guys at a pumpkin patch or a corn maize or maybe when I'm sitting outside of a coffee shop sipping hot apple cider. Yum!

Make Out Kids

I walked the campus sidewalks with Mr. JT's "Sexyback" playing in my head. Was I strutting to the tune of my glorious pink iPod mini as I headed to class?
No, I was walking in front of Mr. Headphone-pants, blaring his music for all the world to hear. Good thing the song was one of my new favorites, or else I would have gave him the patented "NotCharlotte look."
This song not only bleated the rhythm of my footsteps on the way to my German class, but it also got me thinking. This boy was sounding his mating call. His swagger to the beat of his 60GB stick of gum along with his frat boy style and just from the beach tan made for quite a spectacle. This boy had his own soundtrack!
I slowed down to "check my bag" and then followed along behind him to watch the girls react to this warm-blooded jukebox. Short, skinny blondes adorned with Greek letters paused from the intense studying of their Pink Razrs as he passed. I swear that behind their Christian Diors their eyes dilated, their jaws stopped, mid-Orbit circulation.
What made this boy so appealing? His song, his strut, his popped collar?
Who knows, but even the manlier men were getting out of his way. "Sexyback" turned into some undecipherable jungle beat and he went into the Science & Technology building, after giving his reflection a knowing smile. When the door he slid into closed, the girls continued chewing their gum in waitress style and continued tapping their electronic morse code messages and "like, whatever"-ing their way to Dance class.

And with that, NotCharlotte is ready for her senior year of college. Good Riddance.

Revolutions and evolutions

I feel like I need to be cryptic but dammit if I hate speaking in code. I'm the blunt one, the one most likely to lay all her cards on the table. Maybe I could learn something from a good poker game. Something has to be said for putting on a poker face and keeping some of those cards hidden. Argh! Poker is a game though, and I detest playing games when it comes to affairs of the heart and loins! If you're messing around in sensitive areas, shouldn't we both know what we're getting into? My full house of crushes crumbled, and a reshuffling is in order. I find myself becoming more attached to the King of Hearts. Fuck. I hate getting attached and starting to anticipate things with that giddy, excited feeling.

Sex Is Easy

Ok, let's be honest here. If I wanted to go out tonight and have sex, I could. I think if any of us really wanted to have sex tonight we could. I have some of those nosy friends who, after not seeing them for weeks or even months, will see me and say, "So, seeing anyone?" And the even nosier friends who want to know the extent I went with past guys...like it's any of their business. In a way it's girl-talk and with some I'll go there, but I hate when it gets that "Never Have I Ever" feel to it and all of a sudden what I do with a guy turns into something like a medical history. Where what I have and have not done with certain guys turns into normal and not normal and people try to say what "should" happen. I hate that! Like that recent poll where the majority of women said they sleep with a guy on the 3rd date? OK, the secondary results of that poll were, "NotCarrie is a prude." Whatever, I don't care. I decided a year or so ago to be way more private with that information** anyway. I don't need to rent out billboards to let the world know what I'm doing.*** I'm not in college anymore where I'm playing drinking games and pretending like I have in fact done some crazy sex-act outdoors involving watermelon and in December (Drink if you have!). If I do end up doing that (weird), I'm going to keep it to myself. (OK, maybe I'll tell you guys.)

But info on me isn't what we want on a Friday afternoon, is it? We want salaciousness. We want stories. We want to come back to work on Monday with stuff to talk about on gmail all day. I'm all over the place with this post today and the real reason I started it like I did is because of this chick who is all over the internet right now. Am I really supposed to believe she can't get laid? I find this ridiculous. I can easily count a handful of male friends who I could call up to have sex with me and I am confident at least 3 would and the other 2 wouldn't only because they might have girlfriends. I could go to a bar tonight and say to someone, "let's go bone" and it may take a few tries, but I'm sure I could find one. Hell, put an ad on Craigslist and you'll get responses within the hour.

Now, of course, this isn't the kind of sex people are looking for it. If it was, we'd all just be out slapping nasties all the time. The majority of us want the relationship, too. And no STDs. We want to to be attracted to someone and have the feeling be mutual. We want a lot more than sex. Sex is easy.


*A slight exaggeration.
**Said like Cami on LB.
**Haha, makes me laugh since I am, in fact, NotCarrie.

Dyeing to get laid...

Obviously, I need to dye to get laid around here.

I mean seriously. I need to dye...hair dye that is. Today, one of my friends from work, NotaNympho, told me about this new study which declares that redheads have more sex. When I think about my less than red hued locks it leaves a bit to be desired. Of course, as I thought about the previous post of deal breakers, and the one before that on dining out, I realized that I had succeeded in frustrating myself sexually. Which tends to make me wonder what I would do for some sex. Not scary go out and stand on a street corner type of looking, but for the sake of making myself more appealing, what would I do. I've got shoes I could wear and clothing I could put on, but maybe its the hair. I mean with red hair, even if a guy suspected it was dyed, he would at least have to see if the carpet matches the drapes, right? And then he could just "dine" and I could recline. Mission accomplished, O's are reached and for the moment, all is right with my world.

And After Dinner...dessert!!!

Okay, I can't even begin to follow up a post like the one from NotMiranda, so I'm not going to try.

However, the question she asked got me to thinking about where we draw the line in our quest to meet that certain someone. What are the dealbreakers? I mean choosing to dine below the equator or not is one thing, but what about the others. For example, typically, for me body hair is a deal breaker, and we all know my thing about kids...So in the spirit of what you can accept and what you can't accept and what you flat out won't even touch, what breaks the dating deal for you?

Where do you prefer to dine?

I was talking to a friend this weekend, and in the course of the conversation, he mentioned the fact that he didn't like going down on a woman. The few times he chose to explore those depths he found distasteful and himself on the verge of gagging. The problem is that he has found himself confronted with women who see this as an ultimatum...be willing to go down on me or hit the road. The thing is I totally get his issue with it. Hell, the idea of doing that makes me* shudder so why should he think it any more pleasant. Granted, I've never** had a guy go down on me, so maybe I don't know what seven wonders of the world I'm missing. I just feel like there are plenty of ways to satisfy me other than that. My opinion aside, I'm really curious to hear from all of you. Is a guy's willingness to do the dive a make or break for you?


*Strictly dickly my dears.
**A old friend really wanted to, but I just couldn't bear to let him. I started laughing.