Book Me Danno!

I'd like to believe that if my life could be described as some sort of book genre it would be some sort of action novel or at least a hard core erotic novel ( just not one of those with the bright and shiny covers - shudder), where I'm the somewhat quirky heroine who is searching for love in all the wrong places, but will inevitably stumble upon it in time.

What about you ladies? Are you a biography, a current affairs story, fiction, etc? Where does your life fit in the grand scheme of a book? What about our readers...come one show some spine *snort* get it, book....spine...

*bows to cricket filled audience*

Hanging On The Telephone

I made two calls on my short ride home from work yesterday: one to NotJason and one to NotRoger.

I called NotJason for a few reasons but mostly because I'm sick of only corresponding via email and so if we can't hang out as much, then I at least want some human aspect to the communication. I also figured he needed to have me fresh in his mind!

So after speaking with NotJason for a few moments I decided I needed to be a little reckless and spur of the moment! So I decided to call NotRoger. But the funny part is that I couldn't be spontaneous at all! My new cell phone still doesn't have all of my contacts in it so I had to look in my old cell phone. It literally took five minutes to get his number because the stupid thing kept freezing up. So much for my spontaneity! I took it as a sign not to call him so I used my sneaky Verizon ways and just left him a voice mail therefore bypassing any awkwardness.

I'm not sure if I want him to call back. Ok, that's a lie. I really really really want him to call back and I want him to invite me over. I doubt that will happen since I was a bitch to him before but it's ok because if he did invite me over then I would then enter, "Do I?" mode.

Put Into Words

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had in quite awhile. I was on the verge of tears the entire day and almost asked to leave work early because everything was adding to my stress and causing me to want to scream. I know WHY I was in such a horrible mood but it's still stuff I can't even put into words. Not because it's difficult or painful, but because I honestly can not string together the correct verbs and nouns to explain how I was feeling and what sparked my mood. But as I accepted the fact that I couldn't clarify to myself what was going on, it upset me even more that as a result I would not be able to fix the problem. How do you say to someone that you are upset when it can't be that simple and 500 footnotes are needed to explain and clarify. "I miss you" on it's own is both too little and too much. "Why?" can either open a can of worms or elicit a disappointing and anticlimactic response.

In more lighthearted news, the situation with NotGraceful on Friday was so amusing I think I laughed more than I had in awhile. Having all clues point to me was a fun game for the evening but one I had to play with caution. I wouldn't want to come away from the situation with an air of deceitfulness as someone who plays around with matters of the heart. But I think I did a good job and merely filled a role yet kept the flirting to a minimum as to not act interested where I am not. However, I am now living vicariously through NotMiranda and can't wait for the exciting moment!

The winding road to smitten

I've officially begun to fall for the Secret Admiree (henceforth to be called NotGraceful). Over the past week he has reminded me of all the little things I miss about having a crush, and unfortunately, the weekend sealed the deal. Friday night NotCarrie, NotCharlotte and I attempted to gather all of our Not favorites and spend a night on the town in Dupont. NotCarrie, being the good friend that she is, made sure NotGraceful got a personal invite. As we were waiting to leave, guess who shows up...NotGraceful! As I was melting into my chair trying to figure out how we were all going to survive a night of me pretending not to know so much about him, NotCarrie bolts in a fit of giggles. You see, we had determined that, if putting two and two together, NotGraceful was likely to think that NotCarrie was deliverer of the Secret Admirer note. This theory didn't appear that off base as the evening got to a start. NotGraceful was definitely showering a bit of attention on NotCarrie, liked they'd been secretly emailing. It didn't help that we started talking Alias in the car (NotGraceful is calling my Sydney in our emails), made sure Billy Corgan was on the cd player (one of his old faves was Smashing Pumpkins and I mentioned they were my first concert), and I made sure NotCarrie pulled out her camera (told him I liked to carry around a camera). Luckily, I did a pretty good job of being untypically friendly, even a little flirty. As the drinks wore on and the flirting intensified, I like to think I confused him a bit. How much remains to be seen. Regardless of who he thinks he's emailing, the night was a success because I got to bond with him in person and not just online. As he leaned in to talk to me, I realized I missed the heat associated with a guy's lips that close to my ear and the solidness of his leg pressed against mine. I've missed the times when your eyes meet, and you're wondering if he's thinking of kissing you as much as you're thinking of kissing him. He sealed the deal when he got up to dance with me to Golddigger. Tom Cruise may have snagged Renee Zellwegger at hello, but NotGraceful had me the moment he slid out of the booth and began dancing with more than the typical white boy head bop.

Single Woman Seeks...

Intelligent, sane stranger to converse with about movies, anime and cooking. Must like oatmeal and generous hips. Must have a sense of humor and an espresso machine. Please reply in comment box.

Tonight I feel Sexless...

I know, I know hard to believe right...well its true. I don't know what it is, but the past few nights the last thing that's been on my mind is sex. Which is the polar opposite to NotCarrie's post about thinking about sex.

I was hoping to fulfill my goal of buying one new sex toy per month...and I can't even drum up the usual happy thoughts so that I can peruse the Good Vibes site and consider the glass or the silicone toys of fun.

*sigh*

Oh woe is me! My sex driveth have gone south.

Of course this could also have something to do with the dread I felt about coming back to my hometown...as well as the fact that as I type this I'm sitting in the bedroom I grew up in. The driest, sexless place on the planet.

Watch Out, City

Due to recent events, I'm in the mood to cause some trouble. Full flirt is on for the night. Dupont? Watch out.

Think About Sex

So they say that guys think about sex every few moments or something, right? But are there exceptions to this rule? Are there guys out there who are immune to the sex thoughts? And is the amount of sexual thinking correlated to the amount of sexual actions going on? Is it possible for a guy to "turn off" those thoughts?

A friend of mine from college always seemed like the the sort of, asexual type. He was definitely into girls and eventually definitely came out of his shell but for awhile it seemed like he was that atypical guy who just wasn't into girls. But all that time when I thought he wasn't interested, was he just keeping those thoughts about sex in the back of his mind?

I am currently asking a friend of mine, via IM, some of these questions. He said that he definitely thinks about sex a lot because there is so much in the world to remind him of it. But he doesn't think that all guys do. Then I asked him if ALL guys masturbate because I was under the impression (from Dr. Drew) that they sort of have to. He said, again, that he doesn't think so and laughed at me for citing Dr. Drew. Now he is trying to compare men and women but that's a whole other blog...


Any thoughts? And not about Loveline, thanks.

Come Together

So I was catching up on my blogs, since I've been sick (today's my last day at home though, thank goodness. I need friend time-stat!) and I saw a short, but sweet note from one of the girls I went to high school with, NotGlasses.
She was always the odd duck, she was That Girl who dressed up as Darth Vader for the new Star Wars movies, That Girl who moved to Alaska to become a TV Journalist. I love it, she's got the most amazing self confidence and sense of self. Except when it comes to men. Lately, she's been having a lot of trouble with men, they love her and leave her and as I read her entries, my heart goes out to her.
Until today. She has discovered that one of her friends from SIX YEARS AGO has held amorous feelings for her. They have recently started conversing and have decided to give it a go, long-distance style.
I think this is absolutely wonderful! How neat would it be to have someone from your past, from 6 years ago, resurface and declare their love for you?
Do any of you have past flames/friends/acquaintances that you still hold feelings for? I know I do. If given the chance, would you tell them your true feelings toward them?

The opposite of approachable

Status: Useless

Have you ever been able to flirt with the hottest guy in the room but barely able to make eye contact with the guy that makes your stomach flutter? I discovered over the past few days that I do indeed have the womanly skills to flirt with the everyday hunks in my life. However, I'm rendered useless when face to face with that special crush. Whatever it is that makes him special also turns me mute. In fact, often it can go beyond silence and venture into an odd kind of hazing. NotCarrie once posted about kicking boys she had a crush on as a young girl. I swear I still have to fight those inclinations. Stealing sly glances, ducking my head to hide that silly grin, delivering snappish, derisive comments. That's me in my puckish handbasket. Watch out boys. If I'm snarky to you, it just might mean I have a crush on you.

How Soon is Now?

I know I just posted, but deal with it! :-)

So I emailed NotGuitar earlier asking him to an event that the Nots are hosting this Friday.
I didn't want to be a bother, considering we had just gone out Friday evening and I'm not sure of this guys' rules when it comes to conversing after a date, so the email went like this:

Hey,
How's it going?
*details of friday night plans*
Talk to you later,
NotCharlotte.

He responded about an hour ago with a page and a half recounting of how awesome the last two days have been for him, complete with how it connected to stuff we had done together. For example, the place his band played at last night was known formerly as the place where we first hung out. He remembers these things! It's weird. Well, I guess not completely weird, seeing as how that was 3 weeks ago. But still.

This is a good sign, right?

And to the guys who read these ramblings, is there really a rule for how long to wait for conversing after a date?

She's Hearing Voices

But really, it's okay.

Since I've got the stomach flu, I've been given a lot of time to think about people from my past.
I was looking at one of my addiction sites today and came across an updated profile of one of my crushes from high school, NotSinger. Nothing ever came about this crush, in fact he's getting married to his high school sweetheart this year, who I am pretty good friends with.
Anyway, he and I had this mutual friend, NotMormon, who I used to date. We even went to junior prom together.
I was looking through some photographs that NotSinger posted and who do I happen to see but NotMormon.
Isn't it weird how seeing a picture can bring back memories? I remember how he asked me to prom and how I drove all the way from Germany to Italy to go with him. We had all of these inside jokes and he used them all to ask me and throughout the night he would make little comments that reminded me of our bond.
After high school, we lost touch. He went on his mission and I believe that since I was not mormon, he couldn't keep a relationship with me because I wouldn't convert. This all makes sense, but I still think about him sometimes. He exuded niceness and courtesy. He was, I believe, one of those "perfect men."

I need to find another one... and keep him this time.

As hot as it was

I love the thrill of the hunt. That said, I bit the bullet this past week and executed Mission Secret Admirer. A simple, yet somehow complicated drop of a simple pink heart in a chocolate brown envelope. The words, "Secret Admirer. Curious? Email xxxxx" scribbled carelessly and resting in the pocket of a barn jacket. Three days later a slightly charming email appears in my new anonymous email account. He requests to know his mystery woman so he can "sleep at night." I am charmed, yet choose to toy with his emotions and attempt to start an email relationship first. In truth it's part game, part self preservation. In the real world, I can't even bear to be civil to the object of my affection lest he suspect me. Hell, I never said I wasn't screwed up.

The Meaning Of Abstract

My blur of Friend Crush and Real Crush has me very confused. The division between the two has been reduced to the finest line imaginable and at this point I'm not sure which one is my goal or if I even have to choose. It makes the usually simplistic, "What are you doing tonight?" turn into a big ordeal because I stress about how to phrase it and in what context I want my proposition to be taken. And not only are the questions difficult but the answers (or lack of) I receive have the potential to start a whirlwind of analyzation and second-guessing.

And honestly, at this moment it's Friend Crush edging out Real Crush because of a few things but even that decision doesn't simplify things. Now, just trying to hang out still has me wondering if he's thinking, "She's trying to get me alone!" Why does being FRIENDS have to be so difficult?


Some clarity would ne nice.

Sometimes its better to be a porn star...

said my friend NotADramaQueen one night while I was at work...which given the perversions of my mind got me to thinking. Would it be better to be a porn star?

I mean given the line of their work...it pays well if you're well known, you always know what you'll be doing at work, you're guaranteed that the person you're working with is hot, you are paid to fondle your co-workers 'ass'ets...the list goes on and on.

Then there are the other mutual benefits. You know that any guy and sometimes girl you meet will have your movie on their shelf (maybe in the back, but still there). Your significant other (if you can keep one while you're in the biz) can almost guarantee that others will want you, thus increasing their status because they actually have you. And while people can claim to have never seen you before in life you'll know their lying by the flush that creeps along their skin and the sweat they break out into when they see you...

Yep the life of a porn star can't be that bad....

Of course there's always the fact that everyone will know why type of waxing you do and if you have a mole on your left butt cheek and whether or not should ask for a refund on your newest set of implants, but hey, you're a star...and that's all that matters, right?

Right?

Tiny Spark

So last night I had a date with NotGuitar. I would consider this the "second date" since last Friday it was mainly he and I talking to each other as I was trying to fend off advances from NotHusband.

It was one of those impromptu dates, with not much planning. We decided on a place and time to meet, but that's about it.

There was a lot of walking around the city, one of my favorite things to do. And four hours of talking. And a little arm/leg touching. And "eye giving." Which is good.

Minimal breaks in conversation. We spent most of the time reminiscing about Europe and telling funny stories. I'm not nervous around him, which is a good thing.

However, yet again I have backed myself into the "friends or more" corner... why are men so hard to read?

It's hard to talk a lot about this because I'm not done figuring it out in my head. We hugged as I was leaving though. He's a good hugger.

And You Just Don't Get It

Okay so it is a given that some people just do not get it, whether by conscious or subconscious choice. The ones who don't put two and two together that watching a movie in the dark, while on the couch drinking alcohol should be an indication of intentions. The few who don't realize that me being near them a majority of the time is no accident. It is someone who doesn't get it that arms normally do not touch that much on a platonic night out.

So earlier tonight I had a thought about people like this and whether or not they ever "get it" so I've decided to test them. Why not push the envelope every once and awhile to see if they are, in fact, able to put the clues together. Touch their arm a little more during conversation, give them (more) sex eyes, bring out the really good (and suggestive) flirting. I'll report back in if anything comes of this but don't hold your breath. I think some of my victims are the professional atheletes of "not getting it."

Ode to an Indie Boyfriend

Oh Indie Guy, I know you're out there,
with your collared shirt and stylish hair.
Oh how I long for you, my scruffy man,
With dark rimmed glasses and tender hands.
We'll sit and drink coffee and ponder our lives
while sharing an iPod and heavy "sex" eyes.
You'll be taller than me, with a penchant for sweaters
and i'll burn you cds while you write me long letters
from your crappy job on your break in the park.
About how when we're together, we'll watch movies in the dark.
We'll cuddle, hold hands, and wish we were brilliant.
And we'll bask in the solitue of our couchy concealment.
One day we'll cross paths, in a music store.
I'll be searching for "Give Up" while you try to find "Galore."

Meet Me

I was complaining to NotMiranda that I like to blog about things actually going on but right now, NOTHING is going on so I feel like a boring failure. She suggested I try online dating so I would have something to write about. I am going to pass on her idea but it did remind me of a few moments in the past having to do with the internet and guys.

Before MySpace there was Friendster and as it spread like herpes at WVU, everyone was jumping on the Friendster bandwagon. Needless to say, I had a profile and took advantage of the college ethernet to craft my profile and then try to get as many friends as possible. (Hey, I was in college and that's what you do in college!) Anyway, to bypass my long-winded storytelling ways, let me skip ahead to deciding to meet this guy I liked to call NotCIBF (Creepy Internet Boyfriend.) We talked online a lot because I had nothing else to do (this is when I was jobless after college and living in the city) and I always gave excuses for why I couldn't meet him. But then one night after something upset me I made one of my rash decisions (these often occur when I am upset and need immediate something) and told him we should meet. Ok, it's definitely not smart to meet random people from the internet but I had about 5 friends set to call me at different intervals to make sure I was still alive and who knows-what if he had turned out to be amazing?
Well, he wasn't really amazing but at the time wasn't scary and horrible either. He did live up to the NotCIBF name I had given him because after we met he started telling me that he loved me and could see us getting married and living together.

And that was the end of NotCIBF.

My other internet experience was much better because my friend met him first. We met him on Makeoutclub.com (shut up-it's more of a "scene" type Friendster, not a site about sex or something) and he was more our speed because he was in college and liked the same kind of music and stuff. My friend though was way more reckless than I had been and drove 2 hours away to meet up with him and hang out at a show. Eventually the three of us were friends and she and I definitely developed crushes on him. He was adorable, like a teddy bear. At this same time, my friend, NotGas, and I made a bet to see who could makeout with a Makeoutclub.com member first and guess what! I WON!

...and then we grew bold

Instead of growing older every year, I seem to grow bolder. I'm bolder in the way I walk, the way I talk, even the way I present myself. Don't get me wrong...I still have plenty of meek, soft parts. That's the part of me that has trouble meeting the eye of a guy I fancy and break out in cold sweats around hot guys (you think I jest). This year, however, I'm embracing bold in several new areas of life. Remember the Procedural Dating Guide? I'm filling in a sample dossier and getting ready to put it to work. I'm not a girl to play exactly by the rules, however, and am going to double up on my tactics. There is this guy I want to get to know a little better at my part-time job, but we're both a little shy. I'm dusting off my spy glasses and going covert for this one. Specifically, I'm going to leave the sweetest notecard in his jacket pocket on Saturday. The note will be from his secret admirer and include an anonymous email address for him to write me on. I just want a chance to get to know him a little better and always love being secretive. What do you think? Are secret admirers too over?

Bold spontaneity

It's officially a new year, and while I pretty much suck at new year's resolutions, I love the feeling that a new year brings of being able to start fresh. I know we don't really start over and nothing really changes, but I'm all for the idea that we can make change happen. That said, I have given my year a theme. 2006 is going to be the year of Bold Spontaneity. A smashing start really, if you checked out NotCarrie's post on our New Year's Eve adventures. Foresaking the Black Cat at the last minute and barreling down I-95 trying to beat the midnight countdown was outstanding. It really did get better as we strolled into the bar where everybody knows NotCarrie's name. I have to share two of my favorite (among many) moments. First, I loved the guy who was grinding away and getting his groove on all on his own. Even better was when NotCarrie and I sandwiched him and danced with him, so he wouldn't go it alone. Another favorite was NotBeret. This stiff (drunk ass) guy in a beret kept walking by and trying to catch NotCharlotte's eye. Finally, after something like half an hour of trying to get her attention, he passes by and looks her up and down, holding her gaze about 5 seconds too long. Now imagine a drawl and "Daaaaammmmmmnnnn." So funny. Unfortunately for NotBeret, even verbal appreciation wasn't going to get a nod from NotCharlotte.

Taking the advice of a skunk-tiger mix...

I love webcomics...and recently I've gotten into a few of the furry ones. My latest fave is Sabrina-Online. Great webcomic and it has a really cool character named Zig-Zag, she's a skunk-tiger mix who owns a movie studio that specializes in porn.

Gotta love that!

But on a recent trip with the main character of the webcomic, Sabrina, she reveals why she's not shy about her sexuality and how she expresses herself...and I quote "I do what I enjoy, life's too short to worry about embarassment and self denial." And now I find myself taking advice from a comic strip character.

Zig-Zag has a point. With all the things that are going on in life...it really is too short to worry about what everyone else thinks about you and what you do. Instead strive to be happy, try to make good decisions with a level head and move on from there. So with all of the other new things I'll be doing this year I would like to add that don't deny yourself the things you like no matter how much someone else may not approve. Remember in the morning you've got to be able to look you in the eye and like what you see. Everyone else, well all they see is what they want to see anyway.

Becoming an Adult...or take this label and stick it!

I've always categorized the stages of growing up into someone responsible in the following ways.

1) Legal - basically, you're 18 and over, you pay taxes, you're legal for eveything except drinking. Have fun enjoying becoming a 'responsible' member or society.
2) Adulthood - you've bought your first residence (or rented your first residence) and either live with your significant other or have a roommate thats great to live with, you own a new or newer than your first wreck of a car vehicle and you're looking into the whole dating pool idea with an open mind and heart.
3) Grownup - couplehood acheived and have come together in a shower of sparkling lights and happy fuzzies to create a child. You are soccer mom or she who can do it all and still have great sex.

*pffft*
(in case you can't tell that's me blowing a raspberry at the screen)

If I've learned nothing else this past year its that labels don't define anyone. I love more than anything else to look up my birthday and see what it says I should be like and then proceed to see that while I'm like that in some ways, I'm not like it in a million others. In the back of my mind there is always the chant "never let someone else's opinion of you become your reality". I don't like being how everyone thinks I should be.

I've been told that I should be buying my first piece of property, thinking about getting married, having baby #1, etc. And honestly, none of it appeals to me at all. In fact I want nothing more than to run away from the idea of buying a piece of land anywhere near where I currently live, scream in terror when I think about getting married and shudder at the idea of having a child.

I don't want to do, be or act like any of the things I used to think about when I labeled the different stages of being a responsible member of society. Does that make me irresponsible...? Doomed to repeat the mistakes of a past generation...? Unwilling to grow up and face the facts of life...?

Not sure, but let me finish my lollipop, check my savings account, double check on my IUD insertion date and I'll get back to you.

"Grab His Ass"

Number of asses grabbed: 10+
Number of times my ass was grabbed: a handful
Number of kisses: 2.5
Number of people who threw up way too close to us: 1
Number of hours spent in car: 2(?)

I went into last night not excited, at all. I was tired and restless and worried about money but I had said I would go out and in the back of my mind I knew if I stayed home on NYE I would regret it later. And oooooh how I am glad I went out! NotMiranda, NotCharlotte, and I headed towards the city but because of unforeseen variables, we had to go to Plan B which turned out to be my favorite bar in the world. Nevermind that Plan B was in a city 50 miles away, ha! Anyway, we arrived just as the church bells were ringing in the New Year and we ran to the bar to begin our celebration. And who do we see in line to get in?

NOTTOWNIE!!!!!!! aka, sexiest guy I know. I felt like a total rockstar holding onto his arm walking in and the bouncer saying, "NotCarrie!" (It's nice to be recognized.) I had a great time introducing the Nots to my hott friends and I hope they enjoyed meeting them. NotTall, NotCrazy, and of course NotTownie and NotDreds.

I gave us all tasks, too. Everyone had to grab a stranger's ass and everyone HAD to talk to random men. I am so very proud to report that each of us completed our tasks. And if I were giving out grades I would give us all A+'s! I don't think that many asses have been grabbed in that bar since well...never!

I'm sorry this blog isn't more structured but I am exhausted from getting home at 5am and then working all day. But I won't end before I give you the good stuff, The Kisses!

#.5 NotJason on the cheek before we all headed out our separate ways
#1.5 NotDreds
#2.5 *drumroll please* NotTownie after giving him a ride home from the bar. Damn is he hott.


Thanks so much to NotC and NotM for a hella good night. And NotS, you were missed, Happy New Year to you and everyone else in Blog Land!

*Kisses*,
NotCarrie

Modern World

So remember the fall through date I didn't go on a few weeks ago? Well, it happened this Friday. Sort of.

I invited the myspace guy, NotGuitar, on a group outing, to this new bowling alley called Lucky Strike Lanes, and get to know each other (and have my friends screen him...)
Turns out, the lanes were booked solid for the entire night so the group proceeded to grab tables and receive the worst service ever. I got a call from NotGuitar saying he was going to be late, so this gave me ample time to grow more and more nervous all the while trying to fend of NotHusband and his talk of where we should go on our one year anniversary. *sigh*
So finally he shows up and I'm put almost immediately at ease. He is not a 50 year old balding man with 5 kids and three wives, but a really nice, tall, cute, and relatively scruffy looking 23 year old male.
I was pleased.
We proceeded to talk and watch sumo wrestling on the big screen tvs.
It's kind of odd, but we had talked for almost a year before even thinking about meeting. I immediately felt comfortable around him. But is it wrong to say that I was nervous up until meeting him for fear that there would be no attraction?

I swear that lately (especially last night), I seem to attract the sort of men that I could get if I wanted, but really I didn't want. It's always been a one way street with me, especially as of late.

But I digress. There was attraction. On my end, at least. We kept "making eyes" at each other, which is a good sign, in my book.

I don't want to talk about him too much because honestly, I think that will jinx things.

So for now I will leave you with a few things:
1. He and I hugged as we parted to board separate trains. Hugs are good things.
2. He emailed me the day after saying we need to hang out again soon.
3. We've been iming each other like crazy for the past few hours, but I have yet to "see" if he enjoyed meeting me.

I'm horrible at judging things...

Sitting the dance out...

I was running around today, doing my typical, dash until you pass out from exertion errands and I was thinking about tomorrow night and all the goings on and the well wishes from everyone and the start of a new year with the Nots, and then I decided that I didn't want to.

I think I'm going to sit this New Year's Eve out.

For the past few years (since I've relocated really), I've felt the need to go out and revel with the rest of the adult world. And I promised myself that I wouldn't stay in an have another pity party. But after this year of all the shoulda coulda woulda's that have taken place, I've decided that I should have taken more time for me, I could have taken more time for me if I had just stopped for a minuite, and I would have taken more time for me if I had actually had this time.

So in the tune of doing something for me, tomorrow night as the clock ticks down to midnight, I will be popping the cork on some really nice bubble bath and pouring it liberally and lighting several candles and calling 2005 done.

When Were You Ever Under?

Just decided I'm over it.

Who, me? Rash decision?

But really...for now, over it. My head is about to explode from the tension of this morning and I don't want for my head to explode. It's easier to be over it.

K, there ya go!

New Years Hero Regales (Or Hopes To)

Larissa got me thinking about New Years again and since this year's is completely up in the air I was forced to go down memory lane again. And now that I'm feeling the pressure of being someone's New Year's Hero (yay!) I feel the need to regale you all with more stories.

First of all, the night of my amazing kiss with an absolute stranger (who also happened to be hot and yes, a great kisser) is a night that will either sound too good to be true or will cause you to think that I'm a total slut. Here goes nothing:

My first kiss of the night was with NotIrish, someone I had only met either that night or the weekend before. He was tall and had a tongue ring and in the middle of a conversation with me and NotSusan he said, "Let's show her how it's done" and kissed me. It was a little crazy but he had a tongue ring and said I was a good kisser. It was also in the middle of the bar for all to see.

My second kiss of the night was with NotDreds, a good friend from college and someone who I can always count on to give me some of my own flirting medicine. He dishes it out and we both usually end the night having gotten very close but not too close. That night however we definitely locked lips in celebration of the new year and it was surprisingly hot.

The third kiss is the legendary one and makes for the best story. I was walking down the street enjoying the confetti when I passed this random guy. I turned around to get a better look and he surprisingly did the same. We made our way back to each other and he said, "I haven't gotten my New Year's kiss" and we kissed. Who was this guy!? To this day I still wonder who he was and if I will ever cross paths with him again. Holy hell though it was amazing and a highly recommended way to start a year.

Number four for my New Years night is a special one and a moment I had wished for for years. NotTownie was a friend of a friend who eventually became my friend as well. He is also quite possibly the sexiest person I know and someone who manages to get me to reveal my more um, risque side. That night I was drinking and as a result made it quite clear that I wanted to kiss him (not that it was ever really a secret.) We made a "date" for 1am but I was convinced he would leave before the time came. But 1am came and we headed out to the balconey of the bar where we shared the best few moments in the history of kissing. I even laughed because the moment seemed so surreal but quickly regained my composure so the kiss wouldn't stop. I just talked to him tonight and told him that every year I wish for another kiss like that.

Number five was interesting, to say the least...and probably my "bad decision" part of the night. NotSusan drove me, NotTownie, and 3 of his friends to my car and then I drove me and NotMarine back to where they were staying. Well, that was the plan at least. NotMarine guided me to his house which parted us from the other car and when I parked he took the keys out of the ignition and said I had to come inside to get them. Not being stupid, I refused but then realized I had to use the restroom and it was his parent's house so how much trouble could I get into? We ended up making out in his living room (hey, he was hott, too) but I cut the night short when he started asking me to have sex with him-what, with his parents in the same house? no thank you. I think he told people we banged though because to this day NotTownie still asks me if we did, ha. I don't regret him being five though-I saw him this past summer and my friend said, "WHO is that? He is so hott" and it was nice to remember making out in the early morning hours of January 1, 2004.




Anyway, that's my best New Years night and one I can only wish to repeat in grandour. You can see how I am getting a little apprehensive about this Saturday night and my fear of coming home disappointed...

Sunshine on my Shoulders

My feet hurt. I'm not used to working a retail job. I'm also not used to having no freetime whatsoever.
I have two jobs and once school starts, goodbye social life. There are so many things i need to save up for, not to mention i need to get my gpa up if i want my pwd (plan for world domination) to follow through.
Is it sad to think that all of this would be easier if i had a man in my life? A second half that could come over and keep me company while i write my 10 page papers on updike's sexual frustration/incest. or that would bring me lunch at my retail job even if it means i can only spend 30 minutes with him?
The search has got me tired. I have no time to look for a man, much less knock one out and drag them into my lair...

Such is the life of me.

I do it my way

A few years ago I worked with NotPrincess. NotPrincess was definitely a diva wannabe but fell prey to the perils of social status as a newly arrived Washingtonian on the bottom of the DC food chain. When I came across NotPrincess, she had just left the Hill as a staff assistant for Kerry (Nebraska). Because of how little she made on the Hill, NotPrincess had developed this theory of dating that she called the theory of trois. She believed (and practiced) that, in order to keep herself fed and with enough drink to remain happy, she needed to be constantly dating at least three men. One of the three could be semi-serious and may get the goodies; however, the other two were to be led on for the sole purpose of free meals and drinks. The problem is that I am not NotPrincess, nor do I want to be. I would have a hard enough time working one man into my life, much less bouncing between three like a pinball. Of course, I do realize that the rules of changed. Dating and courting are evolving into what sometimes seems like one big mindfuck. This is why I have taken matters into my own hands and purchased the Guide to Procedural Dating. Less guide and more kit, this piece of marketing genius includes everything a Not girl needs to make dating more uniform in this century. It includes everything from attraction notification cards to a sexual intimacy agreement to an exclusivity contract (and more). Personally, I'm psyched to try this out. What better way to catch a man's attention than with an attraction notification card?!

Ten Commandments of Me...

I've been considering making myself over lately, and with the new year coming in and the new year being all about well, doing things anew, I figured this would be the best venue to show others how I will be improving upon perfection (*snort*) yet again this year.

1) Thou shalt always find something good about thyself.

2) Thou shalt not deny thyself the best things in life.

3) Thou shalt not be made a fool of by anyone.

4) Thou shalt speak up for thyself.

5) Thou shalt know who thy friends are.

6) Thou shalt always have a good head on thy shoulders.

7) Thou shalt always see the advice from the fellow Nots.

8) Thou shalt always be a steadfast and true Not.

9) Thou shalt not let the little things in life get thee down.

10) Thou shalt live everyday to its fullest.

And with this I prepare for the new year.

"But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end"

I'm about to watch my brand new Special Edition Titanic DVD so while I don't have much to blog about now, I am sure to be inspired after the movie. Good thing it's just a Monday night before the new week and it's okay to be vegging and watching movies!

Okay, on to my date with Leo.

*sigh*

NotJay royally pissed me off. On Christmas Eve, no less. I sent him an im to wish him a merry christmas and then all of a sudden he asked if i was dead set on his place for new years.

*DINGDING* WARNING SIGN

so after a VERY short conversation he basically tells me that his "real new years crew" is getting together in Philly so he has to cancel the party.

That bastard.

So now NotMiranda and I are plotting a way for us to meet men and get fantastic New Years kisses. Are the other Nots up for this?

Anyways,

MERRY CHRISTMAS all of you lovely people that read this blog. I think i speak for all the Nots when i say we really appreciate your reading/commenting on our life stories.

And to the Nots, I really appreciate your friendship. I don't think i've gotten this close with girls without hanging out with them constantly. It's the best of both worlds!

...plus, you all gave me fantastic christmas presents ;-)

Is Love Ever Enough...?

There is a reason I don't have a steady relationship and after listing to my friend NotStreetcarDesire I know why.

She's what I would call, Little Miss "I've had my shit together since I was an embryo", she's an up front go getter of a person and while she can be abrasive at times, she's one of my best friends. And I love her like a sister. Though at times I also want to strangle her like a sister. However, recently, as in the past few years she's been in a relationship with NotYoungEnough, who is mentally mature for her (sometimes almost too mature), but almost so set in his ways that he can't see doing anything different.

She's been living overseas and doing the whole live in girlfriend thing, but its in a country where she doesn't speak the language and long term doesn't plan to be there to need it so she doesn't see the point in learning it as NotYoungEnough constantly suggests.

Among other things she's persuing her writing career, but last night she starts talking about how unhappy she is living overseas and how NotYoungEnough isn't ready to think about moving to the States because of a business deal that he's been involved in for the past few years and its just starting to look like its going to pay out. To which I ask her what she wants...and she's not sure, but overall she poses the question: Is Love Ever Enough...? Now, at risk of sounding so unlike myself, I have to realize that I do believe that love is enough. But what happens if situations like NotStreetcarDesire's occur in which you love someone, but the circumstances around it aren't right. Do you give up and do what's best for you? Do you hope that in the end things are going to turn out right and "love conquers all"? She looked to me for answers to this. Me, the last person I think has the right to tell anyone how to live their life. Especially considering the stuff I get into.

Half the time I feel like I'm spinning down a slippery slope into nothing.

But enough about me.

This thing called love; a four letter word that means everything and nothing at all to people. It seems like more and more people are trying to figure it out. To me I see it more like the lottery. The chances of winning at it are a little better, but if you don't open yourself up to it then you can't win at it. In the same breath I'm also going to say, that if you open yourself up to the good parts about it you also have to deal with the bad parts about it. The heartbreak part.

So, I've been posed with the question, is love ever enough..and the only answer I have right now is, I don't know, but I would hope it is.

And Still it Sits in Front of You

I have a thing for one of the guys at my retail job. Actually, there are quite a few "hotties" that work there alongside me, however this one is different. He reminds me of one of my best friends from high school so I shall call him NotMatt.

I don't know if it's so much of a "thing" as a "friend crush." He's pretty cute though. And we took our lunch break together and talked about video games, our stupid jobs, and crazy coworkers. He actually asked me questions and honestly looked like he cared about my answers. Which is refreshing because most of the guy friends I have right now are pretty self-centered (*AHEM*NotHusband and NotGay)

Just felt the need to share that.

In other news, I have another date next week. With NotSoccer. Should be interesting, considering he only talks to me/asks me out when he wants something. Thing is, he tempted me with a free ticket to "Chronicles of Narnia" so i couldn't say no. I know, I'm a sucker for men buying me things, but sometimes it doesn't hurt!

The Customer Is Always Hott

Last night at my part time retail job I realized that, when busy I was starting to scope out for the hott guy customer. This made me laugh since I'm supposed to help people in the order they come and also, because it's not like helping some hott guy is going to result in a tryst back in the art section (best hiding spot in my opinion.) There did seem to be a higher percentage of hott men out shopping last night though. I guess they are all procrastinators....which is okay with me. Hott is hott.


Does that ever happen though? Some random makeout somewhere? The most random kissing moment I have ever had was New Years 2003 when I passed a hott guy in the street and turned around to get a better look. Much to my surprise he was doing the same thing and we gravitated back to each other and he said, "I haven't gotten my New Years kiss yet." (*swoon*) And then we kissed. Holy crap it was amazing! But that was New Years when kissing is expected. I think my random work makeout daydream is going to continue to be just that...in my head.

Mystery Ring

I was proposed to last night.



Crazy, right? To me, too....maybe because it didn't really happen! The story is now my favorite to tell at the moment so of course I shall share it with you all...

Last night, NotMiranda, NotJason and I exchanged gifts. We opened them one at a time and to make a long story short, I needed scissors to open one of mine from NotJason. So, since I had the scissors in hand I decided to also cut free the $6 ring I had purchased from Kohls earlier in the evening (silver with a rather large, fake-colored stone, cheesy, but cute.) So I cut the ring free, it falls and as I pick it up and put it on my left hand ring finger (without even thinking) I get very excited for both it, and the gift from NotJason.

NJ: Was that ring in there?!!!!!??!

NotCarrie: Huh? what? OH! No, I bought this earlier.

NJ: *look of complete and utter fear, white as a ghost* OH, Because I thought it was in with that we had been talking about rings*....I don't do rings.


*My sister's boyfriend gave her a ring and I told NotJason this earlier in the day.



Now, I find this interesting because:

1. How would a ring magically get in with a stocking stuffer type gift?
2. He and I are Just Friends...wouldn't it be very odd for me to FIND a ring and assume it is from him?
3. Again, Just Friends... it just struck me as so odd-his reaction. Not that it was negative (hellooo, Just Friends) but that his mind even went there. I'm not even one of those crazy type girls running around just looking to get engaged. Weird.



BUT HILARIOUS!!!!!

All Work And No Play

It's easy to deduce why progress with current boys takes so long and why I don't meet as many people as I used to: I work a lot. I work on average 60+ hours a week (between two jobs)which is not a crazy amount but with commuting time added in, it really cuts back on free time. Going out during the week rarely occurrs since I'm usually too tired or need my vegging out time and also because most of my friends work a lot, too.

Fridays are usually dedicated to doing something fun, though and I love love love my Fridays! The trend has emerged of spending my Fridays with NotMiranda and NotJason and we definitely have our share of fun.

Saturday nights are iffy as I usually have an early shift the next morning. A late night is out of the question which is what NotSusan usually does and then my Friday night cohorts are often working the closing shift on Saturday nights.

So really, I am condensing my entire social life into one night. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend;) When am I supposed to meet him? When are we supposed to bond and realize our mutual feelings for each other? I guess the next question would be, When, if I had a guy, do I expect to spend time with him? I'm still not going to work less or be able to stay out until all hours of the night before working. I've thought about this though and when I'm sprawled across my bed watching One Tree Hill from Netflix it's very easy to imagine some guy next to me, complaining that the show sucks. See, in my mind, a great boyfriend is also a great companion. Someone to spend time with...someone I enjoy spending time with...someone who makes doing something casual that much better just because he is there.


So I know what I want and what I will be happy with but there is still the problem of WHERE and HOW and WHEN this can happen? I enjoy watching TV while laying on my bed but I'm certainly not going to meet my future TV watching makeout buddy while there! (Unless he breaks in and I'm probably NOT going to want to date someone in prison.)

My Slumbering Heart

So i made it through yet another semester at NotHarvard. Goddamn i'm glad it's over. I'm off for an entire month and I couldn't be happier.

And what did i do to celebrate this wonderful occasion? On friday i got drunk with the Nots (and the honorary Not), and then on saturday i had a weird ass date.

I was supposed to meet up with this guy that i had talked to on myspace. Several things occured that stopped me from doing this, including a threat of a security check, 5 hours of shopping at the most hellious mall ever, and a slightly upset stomach.
So instead, I went out with NotGay.
But i'm not sure if it was a DATE. We initially met to go see "Brokeback Mountain." In dupont circle. For those of you who do not frequent DC on a regular basis, Dupont Circle is considered the gay district. So there i was, going to the gay district to see a gay movie with a man who people consider gay. I sure know how to stack the odds against me, eh?

So i get there and apparently it's sold out. So he decides we should go play pool. 2 hours and a few drinks later, i am still trying to decide if it's a date or not. he pays for everything. we have quasi-good conversation. he turns his new years party over to me so i can invite tons of people. i learn a shitload about his crappy home life. i move to leave and he hugs and kisses me.

This wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that he's so damn effeminant!! He's almost as bad as NotHusband, but we already know that story.
I need a manly man. I want rough and tumble, scruffy, muscular, BOLD men. Fawning over me. Right now. Or at least by the end of holiday break.

Any takers? ;-)

Memoirs of modern day geishas

I went to see Memoirs of a Geisha yesterday. The beautiful shots of what I can only assume really was Japan took my breath away. The geisha were also stunning with their practiced beauty. I entered the theater confused about what a geisha really was, wondering if they were really prostitutes. While I make no claims about being an expert on geishas now, I imagine myself enlightened. These women were truly masters in the art of seduction. Sex was sometimes part of the equation (bid wars over virginity were truly a trip), but it wasn't really the point. With the subtly of an exposed wrist or the lifting of shy eyes, fantasies are fulfilled and battles won.

I left the theater wanting to flirt, to snare a man with simply a look. It also hit me that some of us could be considered modern day geishas. The secrets for snaring men are the same. These 'Not' girls here are experts at giving great eyes (I'm fond of calling it eye sex). Now while some may still put the goodies out for bid, we all don't choose that route. Regardless, we are all about practicing those time-honored skills of seduction.

The Friend Crush Returns!

I have a new Friend Crush!

I am not sure how long the list is but I must be honest that two of them could possibly also be on the list of "People I Want To Bang* At My Second Job." And for clarity's sake, the PIWTB*AMSJ list is now up to three. But the PIWTB*AMSJ could be further explained, and clarified, with a Venn Diagram..perhaps at work tomorrow I will create and upload said Venn diagram, but for now I will just explain it:

Circle 1 (PIWTB*AMSJ) has three names and overlaps with Circle 2 (PIWTB*NOAMSJBAOARB**) which has one name. The name in Circle 2 (PIWTB*NOAMSJBAOARB) is also in Circle 1 (PIWTB*AMSJ). Confused?


I think it's fun! Oh, and I guess I should explain that not all Friend Crushes are in the PIWTB*AMSJ circle.





*Bang probably equals just making out but I'm trying to sound more badass than I really am.
**People I Want To Bang* Not Only At My Second Job But Also On A Regular Basis.)

Engagement Celebration!

The Not girls are going out for the evening to help a good friend celebrate her engagement. I can't divulge too many details on the evening, though because NotMiranda and I have planned this night and we have a few surprises up our sleeves. However, it is sure to be a fun and exciting time and hopefully all four of us come back with something to write about-if you know what I mean!

Kick Him Where It Hurts

When I was in 5th grade I had a crush on one of the neighborhood kids, NotNathaniel, but I was so shy and worried of rejection that I never did anything about it. Sure, it was 5th grade so what all could I have done, but it caused me to miss out a little on that elementary school Boyfriend/Girlfriendness. I tried though, in my little way, to let him know that I did indeed like him back:

I kicked him in the shins while we waited at the bus stop.

I know, it's ridiculous! We would stand there, waiting for the cheesewagon and I would just kick him, over and over in the shins and he would stand there and take it like a "man." Nothing ever came of my weird way of flirting but I think it was because he and his family moved before 6th grade. I kind of missed him for quite awhile and always felt like he would have been my Neighborhood Love had we grown up in the same area. We would have inevitably dated or hooked up or something, I just know it.

But I digress a little because the reason I started writing about kicking the guy I liked is because I'm starting to wonder if I should bring back my elementary way of flirting. I feel like I need to kick some sense into some guys (ok, one or two in particular) and get them to realize that I'm in like with them.

I work hard so I'll "Play" hard

I love comic books.

They give insight into the workings of the mind that most of the time people don't want to admit to. However, I make it a policy of being as honest with myself as possible. So, with that in mind, I'm instituting a new NOT policy. If you work like a dog *key "She works hard for her money" music*, then you get to play just as hard.

Lately, I've been killing myself with work, so this weekend I'm going to venture into the realm of a Play party...and its all the more attractive because I can bring a covered dish...so its a Potluck Play Party...sex toys and tupperware...dildos and pyrex....*smirk*

So on Saturday night as you sit down to your meatloaf...just know that I'll be sitting down to mine as well. I just hope it will all fit!

PS...no blushing at my post...it's not allowed.

Back To The Future

It was the winter after I had graduated from college and moved to the city. I had no job and a lot of spare time on my hands and looking back, I would probably call it my "Blue Period." It was also year 3 or so of knowing NotRoger, who by some weird coincidence was living in the same city as I was.

We had not talked for awhile when I saw his name start to pop up on AIM every once and awhile. Partly because I was bored and partly because he was still a conquest I had still not conquered, I got back in contact with him. From the beginning though I told him nothing was going to happen. I was worried that if I went to his apartment he was going to think it was some booty call. And I don't do booty calls. But I didn't really meant for NOTHING to happen so the first time I went over to his place I was very disappointed that he had not tried to kiss me!

I can't remember if I told him I had been disappointed or not but regardless of that, the next time I went over there was much better. We watched Back to the Future with him on one side of the couch and me on the other like we were in middle school and our parents were upstairs. But then, right when the lightening struck the clock he leaned over and kissed me.

I really appreciated him making that first move and was impressed he had the balls to do it. Later, when I told my friend about the night she said, "Awww, Back to the Future, that is SO romantic!"

Variations on a Theme

I have realized that men need to have the following qualities in order for me to be interested in him:
1. They have to be as smart, or a bit smarter, than me.
2. They have to love art/music and be either artistic/musically inclined.
3. They must be willing to try new things.
4. They can't be too picky.
5. They have to have enough self-confidence in themself, but not too much.
6. sense of humor that is beyond fart jokes and slapstick
7. The ability to carry a complete conversation without making weird voices or not taking anything seriously.

I have also realized that NotHusband has none of these qualities. More on this later, I need sleep more than I need to think about this.

When Were You Ever Under Me?

I thought I was getting over it. "It" being him but since all it has been is a crush I feel weird talking about it like people are going to start describing me as melodramatic. But last night on my drive home after a great evening with NotMiranda and NotJason I couldn't help but think about it all. I had such a nice time last night, decorating a Christmas tree and looking at pictures from before. It was the type of evening I would describe as "warm and fuzzy" if I even used phrases like, "warm and fuzzy," (I don't.)
My first thought was about my crushes and how when I get a crush, it's a Crush. I don't just get over them, I get attached and it usually only is resolved by us getting together or us drifting apart and not even talking that much anymore. I guess it goes along with part of my personality of not quitting things. Even if I'm barely holding on, I won't quit. It's why I double majored in college, it's why I still have a part time job along with m full time one, it's why I still email people I have seen in years because I won't give up on knowing them.
My second line of thinking was about how people actually get together and how is it possible for two people who won't make the first move to reach the next step. All the people in the world can say, "Just do it" but it's not that easy. I can make the first move when it doesn't matter. When I'm in a bar and just want to makeout or if it's with a friend who I know is in my life for a reason other than to be in my circle always. (NotRoger?)

I didn't really resolve anything last night while driving home and thinking things over except I do know now that I really, really want a Soundtrack To Me. I want it to play at the right times because you know how when you're watching some TV show or Movie and the song really adds to the moment and you "get it?" Maybe the right song at the right time would really help things...haha!

Oh and then last night I had the hand-holding dream again. I am such a dork, who has dreams about holding hands? Shouldn't I be having sex dreams or something? ;)

Cherry Stems

My friend, NotRebecca, just reminded me of this awful night in college. Actually, it was a fun night in college but maybe 'too' fun, if you know what I mean! So a group of us went to a neighborhood restaurant/bar for drinks-it was me, NotRebecca, NotSusan and *shudder* NotSteelyDan (don't ask). I don't think I've written about NotSteelyDan before but here he is in 50 words or less:

Tall, skinny, OCD, likes metal, platonic crush on MY college crush, moody, clingy, weird shoes, long hair, too-short pants, moves his balls around a lot (ha), dropped out of college because "everyone was against him," has had too many jobs to count...

When I describe him or think about him I have to also try to analyze why we were friends in the first place. As horrible as it is, I think we were friends for two reasons:

1. He was friends with the guy I had a gigantic crush on and
2. He had a crush on me at various times during our friendship

I could go on for hours analyzing him, analyzing our friendship, and telling stories from when we used to hang out. But the reason I started this blog was because NotRebecca reminded me of the Cherry Stem Tying Contest. It was my idea of course because one of my inate talents is that I can tie a cherry stem into a knot in my mouth. I'll hold for applause...

Anyway, so we are at this bar and drinking HORRIBLY mixed drinks when I start the contest and, of course, win. Then I have the bright idea to PASS THE CHERRY STEM TO NOTSTEELYDAN. (Even typing it out now makes my stomach churn.) I don't know why I decided that would be a good idea...maybe I just wanted to kiss someone, or maybe I was just being a tease (another blog, another day), or maybe I was doing it for shock value. Probably a combination of all three but I have to make a point of saying that I was never, ever, ever, attracted to NotSteelyDan. Ever. It's like he was who I practiced and honed my flirting technique with. I had nothing to lose with being crude or risque or saying flirty things to him. I never wanted to follow through though. Ever. (Can I stress that enough? haha!)

I'll write more on him later. Like I said, there's a lot to analyze. He's a crazy mofo.

Just Put Your Lips Together...

Like NotCharlotte, I have also begun to worry about my New Year's Eve plans. The past few years I have had AMAZING NYE celebrations. Last year was when I was sort of dating NotRoger so after my normal partying at my favorite bar and of course kissing NotDreds at midnight, I headed down the road to NotRoger's place. Let's just say I was there for awhile.
The year before that I went to my same favorite bar and kissed NotDreds at midnight and had a great time drinking and having a good time with my good friend NotSusan.
The year before that was my NYE to be proud of...the year I kissed 5 people and I'm not just talking pecks on the cheek or even innocent kisses on the mouth. I kissed hot strangers, hot friends, and even had an invitation to continue the evening from one (I declined.)

But this year has me stressing. I was even thinking about it on my drive into work this morning. Who thinks about their plans three weeks away at 730am? I DO! Because I am thinking about this to the point that I almost just want to stay home to avoid the stress and expectations of that night. If I go to my favorite bar then I can probably kiss NotDreds again but I'm not even sure of the situation of going there with NotSusan. If I hang around closer to my usual stomping grounds then I'm fairly certain I will go home disappointed and without a kiss. I like to be spontaneous but I also like for certain things to go a certain way and me getting kissed on January 1st is essential.

But what about this...My January 1st kiss can happen AFTER I've celebrated and slept and begun my day, right? I wonder if I could work up the nerve to kiss NotJason on the cheek later that day...This way I can go with the flow for the evening and see what plans transpire from now until then but I won't need to stress about being in the right place at the right time. Then I can find someone either that night or even later that day and give them a kiss. And a kiss on the cheek counts, too, right? It does...I say it does.

Oh phew...I feel a little better.

But inside I'm screaming....

We all have them. One of those days when its almost too much. *deep cleansing breath*
I try not to let my inner me out too much because, well, because its not pretty. I can be a moody bitch when I want to and tonight was one of the nights that I was unfit for human consumption. Basically, I wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible. Which I managed to do, except for my nagging conscious plaguing me.

See, I went about the responsible route with my new BDSM venture and got all my womanly testing done, which includes the usual run of STD testing...so while I await the results I began to think about the last time I had such testing done...10 years ago. Then I started to think...had it really been that long since I had seriously been ready to get down to the nitty gritty.

Personally, I think after 10 years I'm due for a little something something.

But I digress. (you guys are used to this by now or you should be)

I started laying out my sexual history and what encounters I had had over the past few years. What the possible risks of entering into something wholely new to me could be. Pregnancy for one, STDs for another. Surprisingly, the former worries me more than the latter...seeing as me and kids don't mix, well neither do me and STDs, but a good condom and I'm set, but those can't protect from breaking if you're a little overenthusiastic or if the guy comes with accessories below the belt...so for this I go with option number 2...the IUD...something that will prevent the pitter patter for a good 10 more years...

Then I started to freak when I realize I needed to add one more test to the cache I had done last week...pregnancy...well crap! Off the the OBGYN I go tomorrow at lunch, besides my test results should be back by then.

Alternative to Love

Operation: Get Kissed on New Years Day has now commenced.

The first step in this mission was "get invited someplace."
Which today, occurred for me.
NotGay is having a kick-ass party in his newly moved in house on Capitol Hill.
This will be the first new years that i have spent in the city. Last year i went to a party held by an old coworker. the year before that i had a party that ended in relentless x-box playing. the year before that was spent in a hotel watching a marathon of Sex and the City episodes.
Now, i had fun at all of those events, but no kissing ensued, either due to lack of boys, lack of alcohol, or lack of courage.

Not this time.

The thing that runs in my mind is the statement that "if you don't kiss anyone at midnight, you'll be single all of next year."
Even though that's not true, i mean i had a couple of relationships in this past year and you know my new years history, i still am making myself believe it so.

This year has been different for me, so why not end it differently?

Don't put your key in a bowl!

What an interesting weekend, and oddly enough much of it was spent outside the company of the Not girls. Friday night I stepped outside my comfort zone. A friend from work, NotHilarious, invited a few people over to her Capital Hill abode for Burrito Night. As I eyed the guest list pre-party, I came to the realization that I was the only single (i.e., nonmarried) girl going to a party where emergency contacts were encouraged to attend. Unlike NotCarrie, I fretted about going to a party alone and being surrounded by couples. Come on...have you seen Bridget Jones' Diary?! They rip her to shreds. Luckily, common sense and my love of new experiences got the better of me, and I decided to give it a go anyway (besides...Bridget did end up stealing Mark Darcy).

Outcome: The experience was not quite what I expected. Pockets of uncomfortableness mixed with their own fascination with themselves gave me the opportunity to truly observe them like a foreign species. I found they weren't perfect and could tell that couplehood wasn't always easy. I watched a friend's lack of confidence hover below the surface at her husband's absence. I could see a husband needle his wife about her flaws and see her eyes alight with that "your ass is so going to get kicked" look. I could see that marriage didn't end all of their problems. Were they happy? Yes, but it wasn't easy. Do I want what they have? Definitely, but I'm ok with waiting for my timing to be right.

I did take away one piece of advice from the party. When the couples start getting all touchy and bust out the back rubs, it's time to go. When someone mentions the next party should be a pillows and panties party, you know you should have left five minutes ago.

Unorthodox Date

I had such a great date tonight for my work's Holiday Party...

My sister!

Okay, okay...it wasn't a date but we did have an awesome evening. I originally had invited NotJason but he had other plans and the other male backups aren't in the area so I asked my sister to go. She at first was going as a favor to me but once she learned that it was $70 a plate and my company was picking up the tab she was excited to be my "date."

I had such a great time though because I was totally at ease the whole night. We ate everything and could ask each other for the "all clear" regarding food in our teeth without being embarassed. We were able to talk about people without them knowing because we can practically read each other's minds and speak with minimal words. It was an enjoyable night because we have a million ways to amuse ourselves and make each other laugh.

I'm so glad I took my unorthodox date tonight. As I've been writing this, I have been going over a couple of different ways to conclude:

I wish I had a boyfriend with whom I can have enjoyable evenings like this all the time.

Why do myself and other women try to come off as someone they aren't in order to attract a male (i.e. eating every appetizer three-fold, asking to do the teeth check, etc.)?

Should I close with humor and the fact that my sister wants me to get married to NotJason even though we are strictly friends? This amused me, at least. I thought her little idea was funny.

I think, instead, that I am going to reaffirm my confidence in NOT having a boyfriend and that being okay. I've never been one to wallow in my singleness and if anything I have looked at it as a positive. Of course I want to be in a relationship full of love and kisses and shared memories and inside jokes but I am also able to look at the opposite in a "glass half-full" way. I do what I want, when I want and I have great friends and family to take along for the ride. I'm not out there looking for someone to 'complete' me. I am already ME. I'm out there looking for the person who can appreciate and enjoy me to the fullest and vice versa. Until (and if) I find him, I hope to have more nights like tonight where I am reminded that there is more to life than just finding a man.


Thanks lil' sis!

I'll be...

Last night, on my drive home, I was listening to The Postal Service and "Brand New Colony" came on. Seeing as how 4:30pm is prime "I'm tired" time, the song really got to me and Ben Gibbard's lyrics were almost too much. Not too much that I didn't listen to the song over and over, my entire ride home, though. The following, is romance:

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new  names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change, oOo oOo...

*Swoon*

I believe in symmetry

I have a problem.
His name is NotHusband.
He is my best friend, without a doubt, but lately I've been wanting to punch him in the gut.
We've been "married" since February but as of late it's like we really are. I can't do much of anything unless he's involved (Not that i don't want to, but just having the option to...). I'm not allowed to talk to other boys around him without him getting really jealous.
That's what bothers me most. I can't talk about boys around him. I can't mention that i like flirting. Or that i want a boyfriend.
You'd think that with a "gay boyfriend" you'd be able to talk about guys and share secrets about weddings and stuff. Not with this guy.
To be honest, i have my doubts as to whether or not he's really gay. Then he starts singing along to Mariah Carey, complete with the high notes and I think in my head "oh, there's no way in hell he's not."
Anyway.
So the past few months he and I have been really close. We even go on "double dates" with our fianced friends and have the best time ever. We scare them by arguing about the names of our children and tease/argue/flirt like a married couple. And it's been fun, don't get me wrong...
But then it reached it's head. The same night of our wonderful double date, we decided to meet up with NotDave for some drinks. The fiance's had to leave, so it was just me and NotHusband going. Big mistake. The ENTIRE time he acted like my boyfriend, hands on me, calling me "hon" and making not only me but NotDave uncomfortable as hell.

So we left early and on the way home i burst out at him, asking him why he was like this.
"I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GAY" he shouted. i was silent. then the story came tumbling out. He doesn't ever like me talking about men around him. he wishes all of his girl friends would be single forever just so he can have them all to himself. he can actually see himself marrying me and me having our children.

"That selfish bastard" was all i could think to myself. By the time we reached my house we had decided that this conversation had never happened. But it's still in my mind.

So a couple weeks pass and just when i think it's okay, he starts pulling the same shit again. this time about NotGay. "I'm not in a NotGay mood, don't invite him on Friday."
I rolled my eyes at him and called him out. "you just don't want me flirting with him, do you?" and he said "no."
Then he pulled that same line about wanting his girl friends to just be single forever.

So you know what i did? I invited him anyway.
This is my life. I do NOT want to be some fag hag for my prime years. If this means that i have to "break it off" with NotHusband for awhile then maybe that's what i have to do.

And this is why men and women can never just be friends...

My Type

Most people can say they are attracted to a certain "type" or person. I have often tried to figure out what similarity exists among the guys I have either had crushes on or have been involved with.
-Not all of them had dark hair which I would have said is a requirement for me just because I prefer it.
-While most of them were funny, not all of them got my jokes which is definitely essential.
-Not all of them played an instrument.
-Not all of them were taller than me (1 was the same height and what a pain (literally) that was for me and my posture)


When I think about it though, the thing that ties them all together is a love for music. I don't want this to come across like a Hallmark movie but but when someone shares a passion it can be such an intense bond. I think that every guy I have pursued has had an intense interest in music whether it was for a certain band, an instrument, writing it, hearing it, being it, living it, etc.

Recognizing this passion in someone just increases my attraction to them ten-fold. It's like it is an indication of what they can give...If someone can be that passionate about an art-form then imagine how passionate they would be about someone they loved.

I think it's exciting.

A life rich in daydreams

Do you have a rich daydream life? I know I do. My daydreams get me through those lulls in the day. Daydreaming of NotAuthor got me through morning traffic yesterday. I don't know what it is about him, but he just exudes sex appeal. He is one of those guys who isn't the hottest around, but his intelligence, humor and quirky good looks inspire my mind to drift off into space and imagine ways he could make me lose my religion. It could also be that he was one of my original "sex spy" interviews, and I know certain things about him. We talked the other day, and I am supposed to email him about doing lunch. I'm hesitating not because I think anything would ever happen but because I know I would want it to (his girlfriend abroad be damned). And, if hell were to freeze over and the opportunity ever to arise, this girl would be his for the taking.

*update: I sent the lunch email. : )

The land of wine and roses...

So i'm back. And just about cheesed/farmed/puppied out. Okay, not so much the last one.
No hookups with cheeseheads, or kisses with farm-hands, but i did get an interesting tidbit of information.
My grandmother is a psychic. Not one of those 1-800 psychics where you can hear the snap of their gum and clack of playing cards over the phone. I'm talking about REAL psychic. She helps cops find theifs and stuff. Well, she used to anyway.
My grandmother is 70 years old and her health is starting to fade. Her predictions are rarely right when it comes to our family. She's got about a 1 in 5 chance of hitting the correct train of thought in regards to anything familial. Which i suppose is a blessing, considering she can usually tell when someone is about to die, get sick, or have a baby.
But i digress.
I spent a lot of time with my grandma over the course of three days and we immediately bonded. My parents and I had decided to take her out to lunch and away from the rest of the family for some quiet talking time. This is where the interesting part comes in.
In between bites of cheeseburgers (from Culver's, the best place to ever reach the Midwest), we start discussing my future career. My dad started in with his usual bullshit about following in his footsteps, etc. when grandma blurts out "She doesn't want that, she wants to be in love."

I stopped mid chew and sort of looked at her. I should probably mention that she and I have never been close, mainly because she's just "not that type of grandma." But this one statement made me feel connected to her somehow. Because it's 100% true. I want to be in love. She said the words that i have been avoiding for years.
Screw the future, my career, school. I want to be in love. I want the ridiculous, head over heels, kiss me just because you want to type of love.
This statement made me sad and happy all at once. Did she say this because she "felt" it or because it was blatantly obvious? Do i look like someone who only wants to be in love?

This gives me a lot of things to think about. I just found it interesting that the one person who knows me least, out of all of the family and friends i hold dearly to me, calls out my number one priority as though it's common knowledge.

Maybe i'm just read easily...

Mistletoe, STAT!

For a self-proclaimed Kissing Whore, I sure am struggling to keep my status lately. I'm not even going to say how long it has been since I've kissed someone. Partly because I fear it's been so long but also because I just now sort of remembered a night at my favorite bar and a friend I tend to get "comfortable" with. I accidently got really drunk there about a month ago and I definitely remember hugging him a lot but am not sure if I kissed him, too. But I digress.

I NEED TO KISS SOMEONE! And soon. Or I will explode. The situation is dire. It is causing me to only be able to write in very short sentences. But I digress again...

What if I forget how to kiss and then that perfect moment I am longing for with whatshisname finally comes and I don't know what to do? Is kissing like riding a bike? I'm pretty sure I still know how to ride my bike even though I haven't tried in years. (Note: It has been less than "years" since my last kiss so don't go looking for clues that aren't there.) This isn't even the longest in between kisses (hello, Freshman year shyness) but I sort of got used to being able to kiss whenever I wanted to with NotRoger. I've even considered calling him up to hang out platonically with the hope that something happens. I text messaged that guy I get "comfortable" with on Saturday and from his end of the conversation it was evident I could have gotten kisses and a whole lot more, if I had wanted.

My mind though, right now, is on one track (obsessively at times) so calling up old beaus is not going to quench the kissing thirst! I have no conclusion to this....Why isn't mistletoe everywhere? It would help.

Sleep Tight

I have to be up in roughly four hours to get ready for work. Why am I not asleep?

Because going to sleep involves turning the music off, disconnecting from the internet, getting in my bed, and clearing my head in order to drift off to sleep. Can I clear my head, though? Not at all.


When I was in college I started my kick of photographing everything that happened. I didn't even have a camera at the time, so I borrowed my moms and started taking it everywhere. I have a shelf full of photo albums from that year in college. One time my friend was looking through one and after a few pages set it down and said, "Gosh, NotCarrie, get enough pictures of him?" Him was my huge crush of college and my friend was right, every other picture had him in it. It was indicative of who I spent the most time with and who I wanted to document as being a part of my life.

Earlier I was looking at pictures of myself on someone's elses online photo album. I am not trying to make some grand connection here, but NotMiranda was right, he should have a folder of just me.


:)

Kite that lost the breeze

It's odd, but I feel like sometimes I only drift over to this site to post when I'm feeling melancholy. I don't want to be the drag...the girl who depresses everyone and whose comments start to feature a variety of ways to say 'get a grip'. I just have moments of blue and feel like I need to tell somebody. Unfortunately, the only 'body' I feel like I can confide in comes in a plastic encasing and, while probably smarter than me, offers no real emotional support back. I was soaring this morning, perky and everything. Of course, you know when your mind decides you're much too happy and thinks you need a dose of reality? Well, my inner bitch decided I was feeling too good about myself this morning, so she decided to take me back down memory lane. I'm driving along, enjoying a good cd when I start to think of him and the cold night he proposed to me. I suppose it was inevitable that I drift back to him during the holidays and start to think of what our life would have been like. Who's house would we have had Thanksgiving at yesterday? Would I have managed to avoid having a kid by now? Probably not...not with him. As a tear slides down my face, I prepare to face the day. I prepare to not think about him for has to be the millionth time.

Kiss Quiz

My latest addiction online is Blogthings and today I just had to take the Kissing Purity Test! Here are my answers because hell, this blog is called No Sex and the City and the ante needs to be upped while I piddle around in my current situation:

You've kissed someone...

-on the cheek (YES)
-on the lips (YES)
-on their neck (YES)
-in my room (YES although when I took it earlier I said no because I totally forgot about when I have my apartments before)
-in their room (YES)
-of the opposite sex (YES)
-of the same sex (YES but I always feel the need to explain that it was a dare. I take Truth or Dare seriously)
-a little younger than me (YES)
-a little older than me (YES)
-who was a complete stranger (YES)
-shorter than me (YES)
-with facial hair (YES)
-with curly hair (YES)
-with blond hair and blue eyes (YES although honestly, I can't remember eye color)
-with red hair (NO, I don't think so but I know who I'd like to start with)
-with a tongue ring (YES)
-with a lip ring (NO although I certainly tried)
-who was chewing gum (YES)
-who was drunk (YES)
-while I was drunk (YES)
-who was going out with someone else (YES)
-while I was going out with someone else (NO)
-who I didn't want to kiss (YES)
-right after I kissed someone else (YES)
-while kissing someone else at the same time (NO)
-at a party (YES)
-at the end of a first date (NO but granted I don't go on many date, by definition)
-at church (NO)
-in the rain (YES)
-in the backseat of a car (NO but I have a feeling I'm forgetting someone)
-on a plane (NO)
-on a roller coaster (NO)
-under water (NO)
-in a foreign country (NO)
-in a public restroom (NO)



And what have we learned? I'm a kissing whore:)

Tis the season...oh bugger that, just shut up and kiss me...!

The holidays bring out the best and worse in all of us. But for me they always seem to be a time to reflect on my relationships with the opposite sex...or lack thereof. Now before you go running off because you're afraid this is another post about not having that special someone during the holiday season, I am here to assure you that this post will be nothing like that...at least it won't start out that way.

While I was attached last year to someone (read NotSkippy), I find that this year I'm not so inclined to want to partner up for the sake of a person to kiss on New Years or someone to exchange sappy gifts with.

Right now my goings on with the members of the opposite sex have a lot to do with mutual gratification and scratching an itch than with trying to make sense of the relationship thing and finding the ONE that I want to spend the rest of my life with (if that will even happen). Instead I find myself content with just the physical relationships I'm developing with men...and surprisingly, I don't feel bad about it at all.

So while I'm sure others are moping about trying to make heads or tales of who to kiss on New Years eve I have this advice for you.

Grab the first hot guy that walks by you and lay one on him. Stop worrying about who you'll be with for the rest of your life and live in the now. Because, as cliched as it sounds, tomorrow's promised to no one, including you.

Pheromone Like

Just like the time my knickers were cute and noone was seeing them, my new perfume smells amazing and I want someone to get close enough to smell and appreciate it.

Mmmmm!

I've been a bad, bad blogger....

But to be quite honest, i haven't felt like explaining my current situation regarding members of the opposite sex.
It would take up pages and really, i don't think you want to read about it ;-)

So instead, i will describe to you the difference between men i am attracted to and men that are attracted to me.

Men I am attracted to:
~are taller than me
~are scruffy
~are quite intelligent. most times a bit more intelligent than me.
~are quite proficient in the usage of english grammar
~have an incredible sense of humor.
~have a slight arrogance about them
~are goal-oriented
~like sex/love/relationships but are not complete horn dogs

Men that tend to be attracted to me:
~are my height or shorter
~are more street smart than book smart... which leads to them having a
~lack in proficient english grammatical skills
~do not have much of a sense of humor
~are quite narcissistic
~are only after one thing. and you know what that thing is
~are confused about their sexual orientation. whether they know it or not.

Now, i'm not saying that the men i am attracted to are not attracted to me. It happens, just not as often as I'd like it to.

This makes it very hard to find a mate.

With this list of "pros" and "cons" i head off to the land of corn fields, butter burgers, and cheese head hats.
That's right. This city girl is headed for Wisconsin for Thanksgiving.
Perhaps the men will be fruitful and my multiplying need for a kiss will be satisfied.

Wish me luck ladies...

Opposites attract?

This isn't a political post, but I feel the need to point out the fact that I am a liberal woman. At times you could even call me radical. I have extreme views that are definitely left-leaning. Why, then, am I attracted to conservative men? Conservative men make my blood boil in a very negative way. I have known more than a few that I have wanted to bitch slap or send live on the streets for just a week. Despite this, I often find myself attracted to (and even turned on by) these same men! Why is this so?! Do I have an argumentative streak that is always on the lookout for its match? Am I secretly excited by verbal sparring? Really, this same confusion applies to my sometimes attraction to arrogant (overly confident) men. I know part of it probably has to do with the fact that both groups of men likely have a passion for something. I love a man who gets excited and worked up (evidently even if it's about our social welfare system or himself). This is the best I can do in terms of rationalization.

No Sex

Just reporting in that there has been no sex and no city this weekend for me. With other obligations, I took the time off to relax and catch up on One Tree Hill (because I am patiently waiting for Gilmore Girls Season 5 to come out and am enjoying these new shows I am getting into.)

I like One Tree Hill. It is a bunch of misunderstood teenagers who all want each other set to (mostly) good music. I'm a sucker for a good soundtrack. (And Chad Michael Murray.) It also reminds me of my melodramatic friends in high school who tried their hardest to have dramatic relationships. Like they were supposed to or something. I refused to participate in the lunacy of "teenage romance." Sure, I definitely had my crushes and guys, but I was able to step back from it all and look at my friend's relationship's with their boyfriends and girlfriends and see it with a little more maturity. I'm glad I didn't get sucked into that crap back then.
I will admit that much of my trepidation was a direct result of me being shy and being afraid that I would come off looking stupid or unwanted. But I also knew that I didn't want to be one of "those girls." The ones who were so "in love" that they couldn't say hi to their friends because they were at Prom with their boyfriends. PROM for goodness sakes! I knew when I was AT Prom how ridiculous it was.

But I digress...I don't mean to offend anyone who had, or has, a good relationship in high school. I just honestly think, that for the most part, most relationships in high school are a little comical. But I do love watching TV shows about them! (One Tree Hill, The O.C., kicking it old skool with MY SO-CALLED LIFE!)


Okay, I just swooned at the thought of Jordan Catalano...

Diggin' the 'scene'

Recently, I've been working my way into the BDSM scene. I've discovered that in liking the kinks that I have there are other who share the same and/or are willing to fulfill them.

Surprisingly, however, I have found that the 'scene' as it were is a very close knit and happy group....with groping as a side benefit.

I haven't decided exactly how much I'm going to relay on this blog, but needless to say NotMiranda has heard a large part of it. Not all, but some.

Do I think this is the right choice for me...right now yes. Later, well...later can take care of itself for right now and if it can't well it can lick my 5-inch patent leather boot.

But I'm Awake!

I am upset to realize that my irrational thinking and behavior that comes out at times can no longer be blamed on being tired. I woke up at 11am today and yet I found myself on the verge of tears during my weekly rehearsal. The horribleness that is Tuesday is unrelated to the amount of sleep I get the night before. I am going to now eat a lot of pizza and watch Gilmore Girls and curse the world.

Don't be alarmed...Tuesdays just bring out the following: apathy, frustration, anger, callousness but once the day is over, every thing is (usually) okay.

Puzzle Pieces

I was in Coldstone (yes, ice cream!), waiting for my Like It Coconut Cream Pie cone when I entertained myself by observing one of the teenage employees and the guy who was talking to her. It made me smile because you could tell she was just giddy from being in conversation with him while he was trying to play it cool and not show too much emotion. When they said their goodbyes it struck me how obvious it was to everyone that they liked each other. He knows, she knows...hell, even I know now! But then I got angry because how can it be so much easier for them to let the other know there is an interest there. They are teenagers, and by definition awkward, yet their puzzle pieces just seem to fall right into place. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to put my puzzle together wearing a blindfold and with instructions in Russian.

Creaky knees and faded memories

This past week I have consumed more than my normal share of alcohol. I have had (1) a 30th birthday; (2) went on our staff retreat (retreat and drinking come from the same root word); and (3) was with NotCarrie at Friday night's soiree. It's funny because, if possible, drinking brings both more clarity and greater confusion. The clarity comes in realizing what some of my issues are when they suddenly fade away when intoxicated. For example, drinking makes be bolder with the boys. I also dance more freely. I suddenly care much less about what other people think and more about my own happiness. Unfortunately, I've also noticed a few instances where I've lost chunks of my life. Not being able to remember frightens me because no matter how much I want happiness and mental freedom being emboldened gives me, I fear giving control to my subconscious mind. After my night of dancing during our staff retreat, it came to my attention that seemed to have lost an hour or so of memory. I spent the rest of the retreat avoiding certain guys I was silently crushing on in my right mind because I was afraid I would have acted on it in my drunk mind.

Truth Serum

Ok, So I got drunk last night. I guess I can't really hide the fact after the awesome post I left late last night. Although I don't drink a lot anymore, I still get the same feeling of dread the next morning as I wake up and wonder what damage I left behind the night before. I never get extremely drunk and have never passed out or not known where I was. But I am guilty of being a drunk dialer, drunk texter, and apparently, drunk blogger.
This morning, however, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my drunk antics were nothing to be embarassed about. A blessing in disguise was my new cell phone which I have yet to add my many contacts to. Out of the few names I have in there so far I was with two and didn't try calling the others. I emailed NotCharlotte to apologize for the phone call made from NotMiranda's phone but it came out something like this, "fjfjdskfdsfj" so I'm not sure if she was able to translate it. I also emailed NotJason (who was upstairs, so go figure) and was a little worried about what I said in that one. One time I left a very confessional voice mail and was extremely relieved to find out the next day that the call had ended before my voice was heard. (However, I still have some doubt about this and wonder if maybe he told me I left no message so I wouldn't be embarassed.) Most of last night's email was in the same language as NotCharlotte's but once my drunk-ass realized I was able to type if I just slowed down I got some coherant sentences in.
The problem with me being worried about my truths coming out while drinking is that maybe there shouldn't be things out there that haven't been said already. I wish I could say that I lay it all out there and let people know how I feel but I most definitely do not. I am not really wishing for a change in my personality but there are a few things that really need to be said, and soon, and definitely not while under the influence. They are too important.

Last night was fun, though!

I am drunk.


amd wam=nting some lovinlg. righ t nmow

Well that ended well...

Note to Reader:
This post is more a rant to myself, it will not make sense, so please don't try to analyze it.
And I probably won't want to explain this one to the nots, sorry girls.
I just need a place I can write this out.

I am in the most fucked up, weird ass relationship ever. And it's not even a relationship.

Tonight was good until the end. Seriously. Why does stuff have to be so complicated?!

I'm going to go become a nun.