Don't put your key in a bowl!

What an interesting weekend, and oddly enough much of it was spent outside the company of the Not girls. Friday night I stepped outside my comfort zone. A friend from work, NotHilarious, invited a few people over to her Capital Hill abode for Burrito Night. As I eyed the guest list pre-party, I came to the realization that I was the only single (i.e., nonmarried) girl going to a party where emergency contacts were encouraged to attend. Unlike NotCarrie, I fretted about going to a party alone and being surrounded by couples. Come on...have you seen Bridget Jones' Diary?! They rip her to shreds. Luckily, common sense and my love of new experiences got the better of me, and I decided to give it a go anyway (besides...Bridget did end up stealing Mark Darcy).

Outcome: The experience was not quite what I expected. Pockets of uncomfortableness mixed with their own fascination with themselves gave me the opportunity to truly observe them like a foreign species. I found they weren't perfect and could tell that couplehood wasn't always easy. I watched a friend's lack of confidence hover below the surface at her husband's absence. I could see a husband needle his wife about her flaws and see her eyes alight with that "your ass is so going to get kicked" look. I could see that marriage didn't end all of their problems. Were they happy? Yes, but it wasn't easy. Do I want what they have? Definitely, but I'm ok with waiting for my timing to be right.

I did take away one piece of advice from the party. When the couples start getting all touchy and bust out the back rubs, it's time to go. When someone mentions the next party should be a pillows and panties party, you know you should have left five minutes ago.

Unorthodox Date

I had such a great date tonight for my work's Holiday Party...

My sister!

Okay, okay...it wasn't a date but we did have an awesome evening. I originally had invited NotJason but he had other plans and the other male backups aren't in the area so I asked my sister to go. She at first was going as a favor to me but once she learned that it was $70 a plate and my company was picking up the tab she was excited to be my "date."

I had such a great time though because I was totally at ease the whole night. We ate everything and could ask each other for the "all clear" regarding food in our teeth without being embarassed. We were able to talk about people without them knowing because we can practically read each other's minds and speak with minimal words. It was an enjoyable night because we have a million ways to amuse ourselves and make each other laugh.

I'm so glad I took my unorthodox date tonight. As I've been writing this, I have been going over a couple of different ways to conclude:

I wish I had a boyfriend with whom I can have enjoyable evenings like this all the time.

Why do myself and other women try to come off as someone they aren't in order to attract a male (i.e. eating every appetizer three-fold, asking to do the teeth check, etc.)?

Should I close with humor and the fact that my sister wants me to get married to NotJason even though we are strictly friends? This amused me, at least. I thought her little idea was funny.

I think, instead, that I am going to reaffirm my confidence in NOT having a boyfriend and that being okay. I've never been one to wallow in my singleness and if anything I have looked at it as a positive. Of course I want to be in a relationship full of love and kisses and shared memories and inside jokes but I am also able to look at the opposite in a "glass half-full" way. I do what I want, when I want and I have great friends and family to take along for the ride. I'm not out there looking for someone to 'complete' me. I am already ME. I'm out there looking for the person who can appreciate and enjoy me to the fullest and vice versa. Until (and if) I find him, I hope to have more nights like tonight where I am reminded that there is more to life than just finding a man.


Thanks lil' sis!

I'll be...

Last night, on my drive home, I was listening to The Postal Service and "Brand New Colony" came on. Seeing as how 4:30pm is prime "I'm tired" time, the song really got to me and Ben Gibbard's lyrics were almost too much. Not too much that I didn't listen to the song over and over, my entire ride home, though. The following, is romance:

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new  names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change, oOo oOo...

*Swoon*

I believe in symmetry

I have a problem.
His name is NotHusband.
He is my best friend, without a doubt, but lately I've been wanting to punch him in the gut.
We've been "married" since February but as of late it's like we really are. I can't do much of anything unless he's involved (Not that i don't want to, but just having the option to...). I'm not allowed to talk to other boys around him without him getting really jealous.
That's what bothers me most. I can't talk about boys around him. I can't mention that i like flirting. Or that i want a boyfriend.
You'd think that with a "gay boyfriend" you'd be able to talk about guys and share secrets about weddings and stuff. Not with this guy.
To be honest, i have my doubts as to whether or not he's really gay. Then he starts singing along to Mariah Carey, complete with the high notes and I think in my head "oh, there's no way in hell he's not."
Anyway.
So the past few months he and I have been really close. We even go on "double dates" with our fianced friends and have the best time ever. We scare them by arguing about the names of our children and tease/argue/flirt like a married couple. And it's been fun, don't get me wrong...
But then it reached it's head. The same night of our wonderful double date, we decided to meet up with NotDave for some drinks. The fiance's had to leave, so it was just me and NotHusband going. Big mistake. The ENTIRE time he acted like my boyfriend, hands on me, calling me "hon" and making not only me but NotDave uncomfortable as hell.

So we left early and on the way home i burst out at him, asking him why he was like this.
"I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GAY" he shouted. i was silent. then the story came tumbling out. He doesn't ever like me talking about men around him. he wishes all of his girl friends would be single forever just so he can have them all to himself. he can actually see himself marrying me and me having our children.

"That selfish bastard" was all i could think to myself. By the time we reached my house we had decided that this conversation had never happened. But it's still in my mind.

So a couple weeks pass and just when i think it's okay, he starts pulling the same shit again. this time about NotGay. "I'm not in a NotGay mood, don't invite him on Friday."
I rolled my eyes at him and called him out. "you just don't want me flirting with him, do you?" and he said "no."
Then he pulled that same line about wanting his girl friends to just be single forever.

So you know what i did? I invited him anyway.
This is my life. I do NOT want to be some fag hag for my prime years. If this means that i have to "break it off" with NotHusband for awhile then maybe that's what i have to do.

And this is why men and women can never just be friends...

My Type

Most people can say they are attracted to a certain "type" or person. I have often tried to figure out what similarity exists among the guys I have either had crushes on or have been involved with.
-Not all of them had dark hair which I would have said is a requirement for me just because I prefer it.
-While most of them were funny, not all of them got my jokes which is definitely essential.
-Not all of them played an instrument.
-Not all of them were taller than me (1 was the same height and what a pain (literally) that was for me and my posture)


When I think about it though, the thing that ties them all together is a love for music. I don't want this to come across like a Hallmark movie but but when someone shares a passion it can be such an intense bond. I think that every guy I have pursued has had an intense interest in music whether it was for a certain band, an instrument, writing it, hearing it, being it, living it, etc.

Recognizing this passion in someone just increases my attraction to them ten-fold. It's like it is an indication of what they can give...If someone can be that passionate about an art-form then imagine how passionate they would be about someone they loved.

I think it's exciting.

A life rich in daydreams

Do you have a rich daydream life? I know I do. My daydreams get me through those lulls in the day. Daydreaming of NotAuthor got me through morning traffic yesterday. I don't know what it is about him, but he just exudes sex appeal. He is one of those guys who isn't the hottest around, but his intelligence, humor and quirky good looks inspire my mind to drift off into space and imagine ways he could make me lose my religion. It could also be that he was one of my original "sex spy" interviews, and I know certain things about him. We talked the other day, and I am supposed to email him about doing lunch. I'm hesitating not because I think anything would ever happen but because I know I would want it to (his girlfriend abroad be damned). And, if hell were to freeze over and the opportunity ever to arise, this girl would be his for the taking.

*update: I sent the lunch email. : )

The land of wine and roses...

So i'm back. And just about cheesed/farmed/puppied out. Okay, not so much the last one.
No hookups with cheeseheads, or kisses with farm-hands, but i did get an interesting tidbit of information.
My grandmother is a psychic. Not one of those 1-800 psychics where you can hear the snap of their gum and clack of playing cards over the phone. I'm talking about REAL psychic. She helps cops find theifs and stuff. Well, she used to anyway.
My grandmother is 70 years old and her health is starting to fade. Her predictions are rarely right when it comes to our family. She's got about a 1 in 5 chance of hitting the correct train of thought in regards to anything familial. Which i suppose is a blessing, considering she can usually tell when someone is about to die, get sick, or have a baby.
But i digress.
I spent a lot of time with my grandma over the course of three days and we immediately bonded. My parents and I had decided to take her out to lunch and away from the rest of the family for some quiet talking time. This is where the interesting part comes in.
In between bites of cheeseburgers (from Culver's, the best place to ever reach the Midwest), we start discussing my future career. My dad started in with his usual bullshit about following in his footsteps, etc. when grandma blurts out "She doesn't want that, she wants to be in love."

I stopped mid chew and sort of looked at her. I should probably mention that she and I have never been close, mainly because she's just "not that type of grandma." But this one statement made me feel connected to her somehow. Because it's 100% true. I want to be in love. She said the words that i have been avoiding for years.
Screw the future, my career, school. I want to be in love. I want the ridiculous, head over heels, kiss me just because you want to type of love.
This statement made me sad and happy all at once. Did she say this because she "felt" it or because it was blatantly obvious? Do i look like someone who only wants to be in love?

This gives me a lot of things to think about. I just found it interesting that the one person who knows me least, out of all of the family and friends i hold dearly to me, calls out my number one priority as though it's common knowledge.

Maybe i'm just read easily...

Mistletoe, STAT!

For a self-proclaimed Kissing Whore, I sure am struggling to keep my status lately. I'm not even going to say how long it has been since I've kissed someone. Partly because I fear it's been so long but also because I just now sort of remembered a night at my favorite bar and a friend I tend to get "comfortable" with. I accidently got really drunk there about a month ago and I definitely remember hugging him a lot but am not sure if I kissed him, too. But I digress.

I NEED TO KISS SOMEONE! And soon. Or I will explode. The situation is dire. It is causing me to only be able to write in very short sentences. But I digress again...

What if I forget how to kiss and then that perfect moment I am longing for with whatshisname finally comes and I don't know what to do? Is kissing like riding a bike? I'm pretty sure I still know how to ride my bike even though I haven't tried in years. (Note: It has been less than "years" since my last kiss so don't go looking for clues that aren't there.) This isn't even the longest in between kisses (hello, Freshman year shyness) but I sort of got used to being able to kiss whenever I wanted to with NotRoger. I've even considered calling him up to hang out platonically with the hope that something happens. I text messaged that guy I get "comfortable" with on Saturday and from his end of the conversation it was evident I could have gotten kisses and a whole lot more, if I had wanted.

My mind though, right now, is on one track (obsessively at times) so calling up old beaus is not going to quench the kissing thirst! I have no conclusion to this....Why isn't mistletoe everywhere? It would help.

Sleep Tight

I have to be up in roughly four hours to get ready for work. Why am I not asleep?

Because going to sleep involves turning the music off, disconnecting from the internet, getting in my bed, and clearing my head in order to drift off to sleep. Can I clear my head, though? Not at all.


When I was in college I started my kick of photographing everything that happened. I didn't even have a camera at the time, so I borrowed my moms and started taking it everywhere. I have a shelf full of photo albums from that year in college. One time my friend was looking through one and after a few pages set it down and said, "Gosh, NotCarrie, get enough pictures of him?" Him was my huge crush of college and my friend was right, every other picture had him in it. It was indicative of who I spent the most time with and who I wanted to document as being a part of my life.

Earlier I was looking at pictures of myself on someone's elses online photo album. I am not trying to make some grand connection here, but NotMiranda was right, he should have a folder of just me.


:)

Kite that lost the breeze

It's odd, but I feel like sometimes I only drift over to this site to post when I'm feeling melancholy. I don't want to be the drag...the girl who depresses everyone and whose comments start to feature a variety of ways to say 'get a grip'. I just have moments of blue and feel like I need to tell somebody. Unfortunately, the only 'body' I feel like I can confide in comes in a plastic encasing and, while probably smarter than me, offers no real emotional support back. I was soaring this morning, perky and everything. Of course, you know when your mind decides you're much too happy and thinks you need a dose of reality? Well, my inner bitch decided I was feeling too good about myself this morning, so she decided to take me back down memory lane. I'm driving along, enjoying a good cd when I start to think of him and the cold night he proposed to me. I suppose it was inevitable that I drift back to him during the holidays and start to think of what our life would have been like. Who's house would we have had Thanksgiving at yesterday? Would I have managed to avoid having a kid by now? Probably not...not with him. As a tear slides down my face, I prepare to face the day. I prepare to not think about him for has to be the millionth time.

Kiss Quiz

My latest addiction online is Blogthings and today I just had to take the Kissing Purity Test! Here are my answers because hell, this blog is called No Sex and the City and the ante needs to be upped while I piddle around in my current situation:

You've kissed someone...

-on the cheek (YES)
-on the lips (YES)
-on their neck (YES)
-in my room (YES although when I took it earlier I said no because I totally forgot about when I have my apartments before)
-in their room (YES)
-of the opposite sex (YES)
-of the same sex (YES but I always feel the need to explain that it was a dare. I take Truth or Dare seriously)
-a little younger than me (YES)
-a little older than me (YES)
-who was a complete stranger (YES)
-shorter than me (YES)
-with facial hair (YES)
-with curly hair (YES)
-with blond hair and blue eyes (YES although honestly, I can't remember eye color)
-with red hair (NO, I don't think so but I know who I'd like to start with)
-with a tongue ring (YES)
-with a lip ring (NO although I certainly tried)
-who was chewing gum (YES)
-who was drunk (YES)
-while I was drunk (YES)
-who was going out with someone else (YES)
-while I was going out with someone else (NO)
-who I didn't want to kiss (YES)
-right after I kissed someone else (YES)
-while kissing someone else at the same time (NO)
-at a party (YES)
-at the end of a first date (NO but granted I don't go on many date, by definition)
-at church (NO)
-in the rain (YES)
-in the backseat of a car (NO but I have a feeling I'm forgetting someone)
-on a plane (NO)
-on a roller coaster (NO)
-under water (NO)
-in a foreign country (NO)
-in a public restroom (NO)



And what have we learned? I'm a kissing whore:)

Tis the season...oh bugger that, just shut up and kiss me...!

The holidays bring out the best and worse in all of us. But for me they always seem to be a time to reflect on my relationships with the opposite sex...or lack thereof. Now before you go running off because you're afraid this is another post about not having that special someone during the holiday season, I am here to assure you that this post will be nothing like that...at least it won't start out that way.

While I was attached last year to someone (read NotSkippy), I find that this year I'm not so inclined to want to partner up for the sake of a person to kiss on New Years or someone to exchange sappy gifts with.

Right now my goings on with the members of the opposite sex have a lot to do with mutual gratification and scratching an itch than with trying to make sense of the relationship thing and finding the ONE that I want to spend the rest of my life with (if that will even happen). Instead I find myself content with just the physical relationships I'm developing with men...and surprisingly, I don't feel bad about it at all.

So while I'm sure others are moping about trying to make heads or tales of who to kiss on New Years eve I have this advice for you.

Grab the first hot guy that walks by you and lay one on him. Stop worrying about who you'll be with for the rest of your life and live in the now. Because, as cliched as it sounds, tomorrow's promised to no one, including you.

Pheromone Like

Just like the time my knickers were cute and noone was seeing them, my new perfume smells amazing and I want someone to get close enough to smell and appreciate it.

Mmmmm!

I've been a bad, bad blogger....

But to be quite honest, i haven't felt like explaining my current situation regarding members of the opposite sex.
It would take up pages and really, i don't think you want to read about it ;-)

So instead, i will describe to you the difference between men i am attracted to and men that are attracted to me.

Men I am attracted to:
~are taller than me
~are scruffy
~are quite intelligent. most times a bit more intelligent than me.
~are quite proficient in the usage of english grammar
~have an incredible sense of humor.
~have a slight arrogance about them
~are goal-oriented
~like sex/love/relationships but are not complete horn dogs

Men that tend to be attracted to me:
~are my height or shorter
~are more street smart than book smart... which leads to them having a
~lack in proficient english grammatical skills
~do not have much of a sense of humor
~are quite narcissistic
~are only after one thing. and you know what that thing is
~are confused about their sexual orientation. whether they know it or not.

Now, i'm not saying that the men i am attracted to are not attracted to me. It happens, just not as often as I'd like it to.

This makes it very hard to find a mate.

With this list of "pros" and "cons" i head off to the land of corn fields, butter burgers, and cheese head hats.
That's right. This city girl is headed for Wisconsin for Thanksgiving.
Perhaps the men will be fruitful and my multiplying need for a kiss will be satisfied.

Wish me luck ladies...

Opposites attract?

This isn't a political post, but I feel the need to point out the fact that I am a liberal woman. At times you could even call me radical. I have extreme views that are definitely left-leaning. Why, then, am I attracted to conservative men? Conservative men make my blood boil in a very negative way. I have known more than a few that I have wanted to bitch slap or send live on the streets for just a week. Despite this, I often find myself attracted to (and even turned on by) these same men! Why is this so?! Do I have an argumentative streak that is always on the lookout for its match? Am I secretly excited by verbal sparring? Really, this same confusion applies to my sometimes attraction to arrogant (overly confident) men. I know part of it probably has to do with the fact that both groups of men likely have a passion for something. I love a man who gets excited and worked up (evidently even if it's about our social welfare system or himself). This is the best I can do in terms of rationalization.

No Sex

Just reporting in that there has been no sex and no city this weekend for me. With other obligations, I took the time off to relax and catch up on One Tree Hill (because I am patiently waiting for Gilmore Girls Season 5 to come out and am enjoying these new shows I am getting into.)

I like One Tree Hill. It is a bunch of misunderstood teenagers who all want each other set to (mostly) good music. I'm a sucker for a good soundtrack. (And Chad Michael Murray.) It also reminds me of my melodramatic friends in high school who tried their hardest to have dramatic relationships. Like they were supposed to or something. I refused to participate in the lunacy of "teenage romance." Sure, I definitely had my crushes and guys, but I was able to step back from it all and look at my friend's relationship's with their boyfriends and girlfriends and see it with a little more maturity. I'm glad I didn't get sucked into that crap back then.
I will admit that much of my trepidation was a direct result of me being shy and being afraid that I would come off looking stupid or unwanted. But I also knew that I didn't want to be one of "those girls." The ones who were so "in love" that they couldn't say hi to their friends because they were at Prom with their boyfriends. PROM for goodness sakes! I knew when I was AT Prom how ridiculous it was.

But I digress...I don't mean to offend anyone who had, or has, a good relationship in high school. I just honestly think, that for the most part, most relationships in high school are a little comical. But I do love watching TV shows about them! (One Tree Hill, The O.C., kicking it old skool with MY SO-CALLED LIFE!)


Okay, I just swooned at the thought of Jordan Catalano...

Diggin' the 'scene'

Recently, I've been working my way into the BDSM scene. I've discovered that in liking the kinks that I have there are other who share the same and/or are willing to fulfill them.

Surprisingly, however, I have found that the 'scene' as it were is a very close knit and happy group....with groping as a side benefit.

I haven't decided exactly how much I'm going to relay on this blog, but needless to say NotMiranda has heard a large part of it. Not all, but some.

Do I think this is the right choice for me...right now yes. Later, well...later can take care of itself for right now and if it can't well it can lick my 5-inch patent leather boot.

But I'm Awake!

I am upset to realize that my irrational thinking and behavior that comes out at times can no longer be blamed on being tired. I woke up at 11am today and yet I found myself on the verge of tears during my weekly rehearsal. The horribleness that is Tuesday is unrelated to the amount of sleep I get the night before. I am going to now eat a lot of pizza and watch Gilmore Girls and curse the world.

Don't be alarmed...Tuesdays just bring out the following: apathy, frustration, anger, callousness but once the day is over, every thing is (usually) okay.

Puzzle Pieces

I was in Coldstone (yes, ice cream!), waiting for my Like It Coconut Cream Pie cone when I entertained myself by observing one of the teenage employees and the guy who was talking to her. It made me smile because you could tell she was just giddy from being in conversation with him while he was trying to play it cool and not show too much emotion. When they said their goodbyes it struck me how obvious it was to everyone that they liked each other. He knows, she knows...hell, even I know now! But then I got angry because how can it be so much easier for them to let the other know there is an interest there. They are teenagers, and by definition awkward, yet their puzzle pieces just seem to fall right into place. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to put my puzzle together wearing a blindfold and with instructions in Russian.

Creaky knees and faded memories

This past week I have consumed more than my normal share of alcohol. I have had (1) a 30th birthday; (2) went on our staff retreat (retreat and drinking come from the same root word); and (3) was with NotCarrie at Friday night's soiree. It's funny because, if possible, drinking brings both more clarity and greater confusion. The clarity comes in realizing what some of my issues are when they suddenly fade away when intoxicated. For example, drinking makes be bolder with the boys. I also dance more freely. I suddenly care much less about what other people think and more about my own happiness. Unfortunately, I've also noticed a few instances where I've lost chunks of my life. Not being able to remember frightens me because no matter how much I want happiness and mental freedom being emboldened gives me, I fear giving control to my subconscious mind. After my night of dancing during our staff retreat, it came to my attention that seemed to have lost an hour or so of memory. I spent the rest of the retreat avoiding certain guys I was silently crushing on in my right mind because I was afraid I would have acted on it in my drunk mind.

Truth Serum

Ok, So I got drunk last night. I guess I can't really hide the fact after the awesome post I left late last night. Although I don't drink a lot anymore, I still get the same feeling of dread the next morning as I wake up and wonder what damage I left behind the night before. I never get extremely drunk and have never passed out or not known where I was. But I am guilty of being a drunk dialer, drunk texter, and apparently, drunk blogger.
This morning, however, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my drunk antics were nothing to be embarassed about. A blessing in disguise was my new cell phone which I have yet to add my many contacts to. Out of the few names I have in there so far I was with two and didn't try calling the others. I emailed NotCharlotte to apologize for the phone call made from NotMiranda's phone but it came out something like this, "fjfjdskfdsfj" so I'm not sure if she was able to translate it. I also emailed NotJason (who was upstairs, so go figure) and was a little worried about what I said in that one. One time I left a very confessional voice mail and was extremely relieved to find out the next day that the call had ended before my voice was heard. (However, I still have some doubt about this and wonder if maybe he told me I left no message so I wouldn't be embarassed.) Most of last night's email was in the same language as NotCharlotte's but once my drunk-ass realized I was able to type if I just slowed down I got some coherant sentences in.
The problem with me being worried about my truths coming out while drinking is that maybe there shouldn't be things out there that haven't been said already. I wish I could say that I lay it all out there and let people know how I feel but I most definitely do not. I am not really wishing for a change in my personality but there are a few things that really need to be said, and soon, and definitely not while under the influence. They are too important.

Last night was fun, though!

I am drunk.


amd wam=nting some lovinlg. righ t nmow

Well that ended well...

Note to Reader:
This post is more a rant to myself, it will not make sense, so please don't try to analyze it.
And I probably won't want to explain this one to the nots, sorry girls.
I just need a place I can write this out.

I am in the most fucked up, weird ass relationship ever. And it's not even a relationship.

Tonight was good until the end. Seriously. Why does stuff have to be so complicated?!

I'm going to go become a nun.

Come On Girl, Play!

Porn.

I don't get it.


As in, I don't understand why people like it. Especially in magazine form. The other day NotMiranda and I bought a Playboy to give to someone as a gag gift. We of course covered all of the "parts" as part of the joke but it got me thinking about guys and porn...and then women and porn.

Men: Studies all over the place show that men "do their homework" (=masturbate) a lot and studies even show that they need to physiologically. And I guess for some of them, seeing some big busted woman is hot or something. Or they just need that visual er, stimulation. So to sum this awkward paragraph up: I can understand why some guys enjoy porn.

Women: My friend, NotSusan and I bought a PlayGIRL once as a gag gift and left it open in our friend's living room for a party he was having. Noone even took a second glance at the naked wang or remarked on the "hott ass in the pictures!" We looked through the magazine ourselves and were not impressed. It was more comical than anything. Are there women out there who buy this magazine for specific purposes other than as a gag gift? The magazine can not stay in business just to provide a few laughs here and there. But who buys it? Noone ever talks about the "hot centerfold in Playgirl this month" and you never see movies where the teenage girl has her secret stash of Playgirls discovered by her mom while cleaning.

Personally, I would rather there be a magazine focused entirely on the pelvic muslce, the hottest part of a male's anatomy. I propose that the first issue be dedicated to Brad Pitt, the Kind of the Pelvic Muscle, and the centerfold shall be of him in Fight Club. Holy hell he is hot. Ok but wait, I have lost my focus of this blog as I started thinking about lovely Brad and his pelvic muscles.

Oh who am I kidding. Brad Pitt is hot, Playgirl is not.

The End

She came, she saw...she tried on a corset...

This weekend while NotMiranda was prepping for a night on the town with NotCarrie, NotCharlotte and yours truly I was making my way into the BDSM world. I started by going with my friend NotJackie to an event with her friend Notubergeek to a shadier side of the Capital for shopping and free seminars. It was a good way for me to get introduced to the one thing I've been contemplating since breaking up with NotSkippy, if I want to be truly honest I was thinking about it even before then.

I went, I saw and I tried on a corset. A lovely confection of black satin and red and pink cherry blossoms which can be mine for the economical price of $450...which I fully intend to shell out as a present to myself.

I also managed to buy some very nice shoes...okay they have 4 inch heels and are definately the ultimate in CFM wear, but I love them...they are so very very hot.

I also got to watch women who are not the model thin, and silicone enhanced of the porn movie realm drop trou and display themselves in front of audiences of 60 or more people for demonstrations. It was very liberating. I also got to see a shirt painted on using liquid latex.

More importantly I got to learn about a scene that most people don't give enough thought to. Its a very tightly knit group of people who are very comfortable with themselves and with the choices they've made sexually, which caused me to wonder. How often do we hold back asking for something we want in the bedroom because we think it wouldn't be widely excepted?

I'm kinky and part of discovering the kinkier side of my nature included going to this event and others and learning about what I want and don't want from my partner.

Now...all I have to do now is set up a 'play date'.

The Trouble with Loving Men...

So have i told you before, that I love men? In pretty much any way: gay, straight, fatherly, brotherly, etc.
I just happen to attract gay men. I, NotCharlotte, am a Fag-Hag.
This all started in high school when I immediately befriended this goth girl, who turned out to be bisexual. This opened the door for other such individuals to befriend me because I, NotCharlotte, was an apparently openminded individual who couldn't care less about others' sexual orientations.
Which brings me to my current situation.
I have a gay husband (NotHusband) and a gay betrothed (NotTheater). Both of these men claim that they are gayer than a leather pinata, but even I have my doubts.
I have had many in-depth conversations with my husband about whether or not he's really gay. He does not believe in gay rights, he only likes taking men from behind, and he's somewhat of a stuck up jerk when it comes to treating men right.
The thing is, what happens if he decides he's not gay? We are in this weird situation where the more time we hang out, the more it feels like we're actually a couple. People have actually asked me if we're dating and to be honest, sometimes it feels as though the answer is yes.
As for NotTheater, he has told me that he's the Straighter version of Gay. Which confuses the hell out of me. He's a VERY touchy feely guy and I cannot hang out with both of my guys at the same time, because there's competition. YES competition! I have talked with both of them about it and they both agree that they feel they're the only "gay" for me and therefore the other one is made fun of, etc. Which is weird all in itself.
So, in closing:
When does the college experiementation end and life decisions are made? Is being gay in your early 20s just a fad? What happens when your best friend decides that they want to try heterosexual experiences?
That makes me sort of nervous, but that will be left for another time...

Gaydar

I have had a lot of gay men in my life, and for a period of time, that was all that I hung out with. Now, I once again find myself surrounded by increasing numbers of gay men as our local Queen Keeper (NotCharlotte) continues to pick up a number of surrogate boyfriends. The problem is that in this day and age I have found it increasingly difficult to distinguish between a gay man and an evolved metrosexual. Why is this even important? Aren't we all just people? We are (just people), but as a single woman, I don't have time to waste on falling for, stalking or becoming intimately interested in a gay man. I have had this problem before, and trust me, I "changed" no one. This leads me back to my original problem. How do we tell the difference in these modern times and not get burned? Also, do we risk labeling a sensitive straight man simply because he doesn't fit into society's typical "man" mold?

thirty, flirty & thriving

I woke up today to face the world as a 30 year old woman. If I'm being honest, I've actually spent the last week dealing with and celebrating that fact.

- I have drunk a bottle of wine while taking a relaxing bubble bath.
- I have confessed affection to man I've had a crush on for a while (cowboy).
- I managed to kiss at least 4 of the 30 guys on my Project 30 Kisses for 30 Years (might have to prolong it into a month-long goal).
- NotSamantha bought me a vibrator shaped like a rubber duck.
- I have had Bottoms Up pizza and been show the fun areas of Richmond.
- I have danced my way into my 30s.

Happy Birthday, my dear NotMiranda... I hope this year brings you a lot more check marks and good times with your dear Nots.

We love you!!

Drop and give me 20

I have a thing for men in uniform. Not just a little thing, mind you.

Just seeing commercials for that new movie "Jarhead" makes me want to burst into orgasmic spasms.

Military men, man oh man.

An Empty Well

I am at such a loss for something to blog about. The current situation has no news as the weekends are the time for advancement and the weekdays are merely to analyze the past weekend. I am even having trouble trying to recall a story from the past just to entertain! Noone around me is doing anything of interest (NotGirls not included, they can tell their own stories). I guess I will just have to wait until the weekend gets started in order to have something to blog about.

Good thing I have a lot planned for the weeked!

All that I can't say...

I've been thinking this week about all the things I don't say about myself (and for the Nots who know me pretty well that's saying a lot). The really personal, deep down issues that could make most run screaming into the darkness if they were to see. And then with this thought I had to wonder if I were being true to this blog and the reasona that I write in it.

*shrug*Don't know.

What I do know is that I can't bear all of my soul for the universe to sniff at, find lacking and then pee all over, I get enough of that from self introspection.

So here's a post about all the things I can't say, but sometimes wish I could.

Can't Stop; Won't Stop.

Due to a phone call that NotMiranda made last night to someone from our past, I had weird dreams/thoughts about this specific someone. That makes me want to see this certain someone again.

It's weird how someone is out of your mind until you are reminded of them, then that's pretty much all you can think about.

Is that sad?

Is settling down really selling out?

I'm turning 30 soon, and NotCarrie and I were discussing what this birthday means to me. Negative? Positive? I think 30 will be fabulous. I'm content with where I am in my life and my general accomplishments. Do I have some growing up to do? Some issues to work through? Yes, and I am ok with that. As is sometimes the case, our conversation drifted toward men and relationships. I talked with her about how I've always "known" I would be one of those people who got married late in life but also how I would have liked to have been in a serious relationship as I pass into a new decade. Having not been in a serious relationship for quite some time you do find yourself questioning what's so different about you? Why can't I find some good enough and who thinks I'm good enough, too? One thing I do know is that, no matter how frustrated I get sometimes, I can't settle. I can't be one of those women who takes the first thing that comes along or who just wants TO BE MARRIED. So, as I stumble through these last few days as a 29 year old, I am going to not settle. I am, however, going to tell that cowboy how I feel about him. That's not settling...that's just smart.

Seemingly Easy

My coworker, who is in my age bracket, came in on Monday to tell me her great news, "NotCop asked me to be his girlfriend!" I did the obligatory squeals of joy for her and asked all of the appropriate questions but I will readily admit I was a tad bit jealous.

("Jealous" is a word I am desparately trying to use less of but in this case, it is necessary.)

I am envious of the ease with which this new relationship has come to her. They've known each other for a year but just recently have been hanging out more and more. She has come in more often than not red eyed and exhausted but with a smile on her face having spent the evening before hanging out with NotCop until the late hours of the night. And now, he has asked her to be his girlfriend. They are exclusive. And happy.

I am happy for her because she has had her share of heartache and bad experiences in the past, but I also struggle to understand why this can be so easy for some people! And I don't think she is doing anything differently, or at least it's nothing I can figure out. I guess I can't judge the situation because my understanding of it is cursory. It's like judging a book by it's cover. Sure, NotCop and NotOhio seem to have eased into something really great but I bet there is more to it. I know personalities make a difference as I am not able to be as open about something like, "Be my boyfriend" and tend to approach the potential 'boyfriends' who have the same personality traits.

I really am happy for her though...I just hope I can come in on a Monday (soon!) and receive the obligatory squeals and not have to give them.

Satisfaction

NotCharlotte's Halloween party on Friday was a good fit...the right number of people, an eclectic mix, everyone in costumes. I noticed a common thread running among all of guests that hasn't really been commented on. Perhaps I only notice it is there because I am aware of it lurking behind my eyes, too. Look into the eyes of any of the revelers that evening and you would have seen a desire...a desire for more. No one there was fully satisfied with where they were at that given moment. I'm not talking about the physicality of being at NotCharlotte's. Everyone had a great time and definitely wanted to be there. It's just that, for some reason, while we were all busy being someone or something else our desire for that unattainable became more visible.

The Dangling Conversation

So last night I had a Halloween Party.
And dare I say, it was a success! The right amount of people came (including the lovely Not Girls, dressed in the best costumes of the night), the right amount of food was eaten, drinks drunk, conversations had.
Toward the end of the evening, around 4am, the conversations got a bit more personal... and dare I say interesting.
Most people had left by then and a small group of us went downstairs to the comfy couches to unwind and sober up.
To the tunes of NotGreatHead's guitar, we inevitably started talking about relationships, and "types."
One guy that had decided to stay was of slight interest to me. NotNY. Due to slight indications that he may be gay, I have simply been observing his mannerisms and relations with my friends. My best friend, NotHusband, was convinced he was gay, and proceeded to hit on him for the entire evening. These two men finally decided to hash it out in the remains of the night, NotNY giving quite convincing arguements to the fact that he was indeed not attracted to men.
NotHusband wasn't quite content with this answer and prodded him into letting us in on the secret that he had in fact "experimented" with men in the past and decided that it just didn't do it for him. He went on to explain that he was so comfortable with his sexuality that if his personality reflects the fact that he acts gay, so be it.
His justification of his personality was so intriguing to me. Being comfortable with yourself is the most important step to becoming who you really are. I simply listened for most of the night until the conversation progressed into what he thought "his" type was. His most important quality? How a woman holds themselves. One of my friends asked him to use me as an example, and of course I didn't object. He said that I held myself so confidently, he knew that I was comfortable with myself completely.
This was kind of a shock to me. I never considered myself "comfortable" with my own body. I have always struggled with the way I look, but I guess I fool people into thinking that I do indeed hold myself in high regard.
The conversation went on and I learned that men happen to think of me as "hot" and "confident," which was either a lie (due to alcohol), or a nice surprise.

It's not that often that I have the chance to get compliments handed to me like this, so I think I'll consider it the latter.

Last night was surprisingly fulfilling, I'm glad that the people who mattered were there, it meant a lot.

NotSkippy you can kiss my lily (okay its not lily) white (okay...its not white) ass!

I wish to indulge in something I try to not do a lot of...passive agressive posting. Because right now I feel the need to vent and this is the venue in which I choose to do it...its either this or put my car through a certain Not character's window.

NotSkippy, oh ye of the issues with women, the issues with me, the self-deprecating way in which you chose to suffer with Boobzilla instead of making me feel good about you having moved on to at least something comparable to me, can kiss my ass.

Oh ye of the, not comfortable with being with me, but not being able to tell me until it gets to a head, despite me having told you at the outset of this thing to let me know so I could reign my shit in, can kiss my ass!

Oh ye of the, not being able to get over the fact that this is 2005 not 1805 or 1905 for that matter and you are your own person, can kiss my entire ass!

Oh ye of the, I don't want to do the right thing because then everyone will be angry with me...*you can't see it but I just flipped off the computer*

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

I wore a pink wig to a party and man did I look hot!

I found her!

I found my old persona of NotSamantha Jones hiding in a box of my winter clothes. Up until today she had been wrapped around herself and in a box filled with the remnants of herself, just waiting for me to rediscover her...and the first words that I say to her...

Hello Stranger.

Sadly, there's no one but my roomie's cat to pay witness to this great discovery.

Soft Hair

My hair was so soft. And my Chanel No. 5 wafted perfectly. And I had non-tacky pink lipgloss on that tastes good. And my legs were smooth...

But did anyone know but me? No. I was driving home last night and I started thinking in this weird perspective about things. I wasn't upset about anything that would normally make me upset. I didn't care about things not going how I kept imagining them or the weirdness that occurs every once and awhile with certain people. What I kept thinking about was me...and that noone was appreciating ME to the fullest.

I'm not saying this in a self-deprecating way, I am saying it in an "I am totally awesome and people are missing out" kind of way. My friends appreciate me, of course, but they appreciate different kinds of things. I don't think they notice when I change perfume or when I wear lipgloss that tastes good (at least, I hope they don't). I guess I just started thinking about how I want someone to be a little closer to me and to notice the little things.

My hair was really soft and noone knew!

All Hallow's Eve

It's Halloween weekend and all across the country women are heading out, looking like sluts. Sexy nurse costumes, Vampire hookers, etc...you know the drill: It's the one night of the year women can dress in pleather and fishnets and not be judged. I myself have taken part in this tradition in past years as I have dressed up as a Candy Strip(p)er (damn, that uniform is short!), a sexy spy (pleather mini included), and even a herion addict one year (herion chic?).

Costume parties allow us to take on another identity, to put on the mask of another personality, to be someone else for one night of the year.

This year, as my weekend of celebrating witches and ghosts begins, I can't help but think of doing the opposite: taking the mask off and letting it all out. Not hiding behind a certain way I want to be perceived. Not trying to hide my true feelings and certainly not worrying about my soul being sucked out because I did something I knew was necessary. I will go out tonight in my costume (not slutty, but very funny) but I am still going to be me. In fact, I think more of "me" is going to come out tonight than it has in awhile.


Happy Halloween! (Night 1 of 4)

(Just kidding about the soul sucking out thing...MUHAHAHA!)

Chick Lit is not a square of candy-coated gum...

I love books...good books, smutty books (especially these), books with or without pictures, but lately, I've discovered that there is a book that I hate with a Foamy-type squirrely wrath. And that would be chicklit.

Now, don't get me wrong, Jennifer Weiner's and Sandra Cisnero's are what I really love about chick lit. What I hate about it is the candy pink or flourescent (sp?) green books that scream out to you from the shelves with stories of a shopper with no money and no means to stop her own bad habit getting the guy, who just happens to have oodles of money with which to continue said bad habits; or the girl who moves to another town only to fall into the same bad habits that lead her leaving the first and finds love with some sap.

I crave the intelligent wit of women who have sort of discovered what they're looking for, who shy away from their bad habits, who can stand on their own two feet before being swept off them into the arms of the male character. In short give me some substance with my chicklit...because otherwise it may just as well be a piece of candy-coated gum that will leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Happening Endings...

Something's come to my attention over the past few days.

I've discovered that I like happy endings. The girl gets the guy or vice versa, big kiss on the lips, everything is tied up nicely with a bow and the world is a happy shiny place in the end kind of happy endings. Don't know why exactly I just do.

Which probably accounts for why I only read romance and stories where I'm pretty much assured that the resolution at the end will be a good one. Books where people have to suffer throughout do not appeal at all.

And which probably accounts for why I place feelings on things, people, places, etc. that don't actually belong there. I'm still waiting for my happy ending...and I'm sure I'm going to get it...if I wait long enough...

*taps foot*

Okay, this waiting crap is for the birds, looks like I'm going to have to hack it out on my own.

Suffer in Silence

I've been feeling very "lusty" lately. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about what my "type" is.
There is this guy in my English class that I am lusting after. He's the scruffy, tall, sort of chubby indie type that I have loved since I started listening to Indie music.
I think I've talked about him before. But still.
Lust. It's the only word I can use to describe this feeling. And it's weird how non-sexual it is. This is the emotion you feel when you can't have something you're yearning for. It's the simple fact that I would like to have an interesting conversation with him about art is enough to satisfy my lusting. It's like NotCarrie's previous post about having a friend crush. I need/want/have to have him as my friend. And of course, if something more were to happen, I think I would be on cloud nine.

Now, as always, I just wait for either this feeling to subside or I find someone else to curb these cravings.

Addicted

I have an addictive personality. I'm not even sure if that's an accurate psychological assessment, but in my mind, it accurately describes my tendency to latch on to things I like. For example, I am addicted to Diet Coke. I have written poetry about my love affair with caffeine. For this site, it's probably more relevant to talk about my addiction to the idea of love. You see...I haven't been in love in a long time. So, while not being in love, I've developed an addiction with the idea of love. Movies and TV (hell...even books) simply fuel addictions such as these. As "chick flicks" crowd your local cineplex, you can bet there are millions of girls like me watching and calculating when Richard Gere will ride up and save them from the virtual whoredom that is their lives (hello....Pretty Woman). How can we break this fascination for wanting what isn't real and start searching and dealing with what is? Maybe this is just me, but all too often I find a small part of me wanting to be more in the movie than in my own life (think love/romance/men, not life in general).

He's Her Lobster

As much as I love Luke, from Gilmore Girls (and I do), I think I want a Ross. Ross as in Ross Geller, Ross and Rachel, FRIENDS! I caught the episode last night where the gang watches Monica and Rachel's prom video, aptly titled, "The One With The Prom Video." This is one of my all-time favorite episodes of one of my all-time favorite shows. I love it because it has it all: laughter and romance which , go figure, is exactly what I want in my significant other.

Ross has it all: he's intelligent, ambitious, funny, adorable, cute, kind, giving, devoted, loving, quirky, and about 100 other positive adjectives. The end of TOWTPV gives me goosebumps every time. Rachel sees how Ross has been in love with her since high school and would do anything for her. She walks over and...*oh my gosh*...kisses him! It is so romantic and passionate and I melt everytime. It begins this amazing, yet complicated, connection between the two. They are soul mates...they are each other's lobsters! They are...fictional.

But you know, even though they are fictional characters there is reality in there too. Ross loves Rachel. He does for YEARS and it takes him forever to finally tell her. They go through things that non-tv people do, too. I think that's why Ross seems so ideal at times. I think it's because I have met people in my own life who are a "Ross." I am never going to be Rachel (aka perfect) but the possibility of finding a Ross? Those chances are good.

I want a Luke

Between catching up on the last couple of weeks of Gilmore Girls and talking to NotCarrie about some of the older seasons she is making her way through, I've come to realize I want a 'Luke'. I'm not tossing out the term Luke to mean that I want a boyfriend/fiance/cute guy to bring me coffee. Luke simply illustrates certain characteristics I want in a man. To begin with, he is a man (as opposed to boy). If I were better at the "quote" game, I would post a number of my favorite Luke-isms, but I'm afraid I need to leave that to the better quiped NotCarrie. What I do know is that he is sarcastic and surly. He is funny and caring and thoughtful and independent and hot. He reminds you of the kind of man who will be in it for the duration. This is what I want. This is what I deserve.

Blast From The Past

I accidently got really drunk tonight. And then, instead of calling who I really wanted to talk to, I called my ex-whatever. I knew if I called who I wanted to call I would end up saying a lot of stuff that just shouldn't be said over the phone or while drunk. So I called NotRoger...I'm not sure why but I'm so very thankful that it went well. It was kind of weird because I told him about my current situation and he told me about his: He's involved with a married woman. How does someone go from ME to a married woman with a kid? I really do hope things work out for him though and he expressed the same sentiment for me. We reminisced about the first time we made out and we both remembered it exactly the same way. I'm glad though that we didn't remember how things ended.

It's been a long day and a little over 12 hours ago I was driving home unable to hold back the tears. Having the day to myself and spending the night in the past really helped to put things into perspective. I'm not sure how but I'm in really good spirits right now. Optimistic.

And really....really tired!

Guardian Angel

Last night I got a lot of checkmarks down.
I had a date. (check)
With a guy from myspace. (check)
That I had never met before. (check)

NotGerman. He and I apparently know some of the same people from Germany, so there was an instant bond.
Not to say I wasn't nervous about meeting him. NotMiranda had to talk me into it about 5 times. I kid you not.
But I pulled up the courage and picked him up at the metro (after NotMiranda's suggestion that I do not, under any circumstances, pick him up at his house) and after he got in the car I started to feel better.
He smelled really, really good.
So we went to a movie. He paid for everything, which I normally have a problem with, so I argued with him about it but he just wouldn't let me pay. Hmph.
So we watched the movie and I think he was a bit disappointed that I was so into it because he kept inching closer but I'd kind of ignore it.
This is for several reasons:
1. We were watching Elizabethtown. I absolutely LOVE Cameron Crowe.
2. It was our first date. No moves on the first date, especially since I had never met him.
3. I'm sorry to say, but I'm just not that into him.

I didn't realize this last part until I was driving him back to the metro. He invited me out to this party in the city, but before I knew it, my mouth was making up the ol' "I'm tired, busy day tomorrow" excuse.
He was just too damn nice. And he agreed with EVERYTHING I said. There was no space for arguement, which is a big part of my Italian heritage.

After I dropped him off, I called NotMiranda, who I then found out was in the exact same movie as we were, as well as in the same bathroom at the same time I was, in the stall near mine and we both were texting each other at the same time. How weird.
So I saved her from drowning outside in the rain and we drove around the city trying to find Al Gore's house and talking about relationships.
NotGerman could be a perfect candidate, we decided, however he would only be the "substitute" person until the right one came along.
So the problem is now, what to do about him. We also discussed the fact that although no sparks were felt on the first date, perhaps it's something that grows in time.
Thing is, I'm not sure if I want that.
This is too tough a decision to make right now. And I think I'm only skimming the surface of my delusional mind. I should just be happy that I had a freaking DATE! :-)

Misplaced Possessiveness

Once I ignored my stomach and nerves I had a really nice time last night. Everything seemed easy, and casual, and just right. Dinner and a rented movie and a really dark room along with a lot of champagne-it was perfect.

Details aren't necessary;) The purpose of me bringing the night up is that one sentence caused everything to spin off axis. It wasn't spoken by me or him but we both definitely heard and then proceeded to ignore it. If either of us were "talkers" we could have talked and laughed about it but we didn't. Maybe I was hoping it was true...or would be true in the near future.

I'm sorry I am being cryptic. I need to keep these things in my head right now or else there will more more variables for me to overthink.

Feel the sting

Intimacy is your uncontested area of expertise. You recognize it in all its forms, from a glance to a heartfelt talk to a hug you know someone needs exactly when they need it. Prepare to pass out all of that and more.

This is my horoscope for today. I'm just wondering when people will begin to know what I need. Maybe it's all in that damned elusive nature of a scorpio. We can give and give but have a real hard time letting people get close.

Butterflies And Steel

My stomach is a mess right now. I am freaking out. I feel like it is a giant knot made out of lead and then there are butterflies flying all around.

I need to not psych myself out about this. Not a big deal, right? Stating the obvious, right?

Right.

I am Woman! Watch me flex...

Doing my part to embody the feminist I want to be, I work out...okay I also work out because I like the idea that even though I may not look it I am capable of tossing lesser beings over my shoulder and into the dirt.

I get up at the absolute butt crack of dawn (read 5:30am) and drag on my workout gear (lots of pink!) and hit my local gym, where I proceed to lift and flex and squat my way into a better more fit me.

Its really fun watching the business geeks who haven't a clue as to which end is up on a Smythe rack as they chat with their other coworkers about the latest office gossip or what stock to buy or what rate they're getting on the mortgage. For me, its about the clang of metal on metal...

However, recently, my domain has been invaded by NotSkippy who has decided that he needs to make a more concerted effort to get into shape and so he joins me here and is beginning to do his thing *snort*.

The really humorous part of this is that I could probably toss NotSkippy over my shoulder and run around with him for a while before I broke a sweat.

That's me, uber woman of muscle extraordinaire...

*snort*

...And Nothing To Wear

An outfit can make or break a day. Whether it be too tight jeans, a sweater that itches or shoes that pinch in all the wrong places an outfit can ruin a day. On the flip side- a favorite pair of jeans that accentuate what you want and hides what you wish you didn't have, the sweater that brings out the yellow specks in your eyes and the scarf that provides the comfort you sometimes need can make an ordinary day that much better.

I am a clothes whore. There, I said it. I AM! I read fashion magazines religiously and even tear out the pages of things I want. JCrew is like the Bible to me and I highlight itto reflect my wishlist the day it comes in the mail. I can't say no to a sale and can think of a million reasons why "I need this now." My problem lies in the fact that I often have nothing to wear. I have an overflowing closet of some things I have never worn and many things I rarely wear. I can't stop going towards my "comfort clothes." It's not that I don't like my comfort clothes or that they could only be described as "blah" it's just that often I get to my destination and wish I had tried something new, put on something else.

I want to change this. I want to start and end each day feeling awesome and wearing something hott. I don't want to ever say, "No, I can't hang out because I wore my laundry day jeans to work." I don't want to think, "I hope I don't run into him because my shirt makes me look washed out like I am sick."

The clothes don't make the woman, we know that. But for me, the clothes can really help turn the ordinary into the extraordinary! And with the extraordinary comes excitement and I never turn down excitement.

Several Arrows Later

This weekend I had a lot of fun. One of my close friends, NotNerd and his roomate NotTwin came to visit from New York. We proceeded to get drunk a lot and have a good, relaxing time.

All throughout the weekend though, I kept getting teased by my parents about NotNerd. In high school we were inseperable; we talked on the phone pretty much every night. We co-edited the school newspaper, so we had to...
That's beside the point. I kept getting teased because apparently he kept calling NotTwin by my name and would compete with anyone who thought they knew me better.
They said that I need to get my claws in him before he becomes a rich and famous man and all the ladies are after him.
Thing is, I've never really felt that way about him. I tried my best this weekend to see if there was anything, but to no avail.

Some guys are just best left as friends.

Multitasking In The Game Of Love

I got to thinking on my drive back from lunch about the different excuses people use for not starting a relationship. From my own experience I can think of quite a few but for brevity, I will focus on one:

"I don't have time for a relationship."

My problem with this statement is that people never (or should never) say, "I don't have time for friends." I think if someone said that then they would be a very lonely person because friendship's require an effort of some sort no matter how miniscule it is. I have friends who understand that I can't take a weekend to come visit them but we remain friends because we keep in contact in other, more manageable ways.

And isn't a relationship essentially a friendship with an extra bond? To break it down to it's simplest form a relationship could be defined as friends with benefits and that special bond. (Bond can, but does not always equal love or commitment, etc.)

So if someone has enough time in his or her life to be a friend, then how can they not have enough time for a relationship? I understand wanting to spend as much time as possible with a significant other but isn't something better than nothing? One could think of it as multitasking-a friend and significant other in one! Maximize your free time! Date your friends!

Okay, Maybe I've lost track of the point here...

*kisses*

The Ex What?

What else would come from an unrecognized number on my cell phone than confusion? I should have known something was up the moment my phone rang and I failed to know who was calling me. It was the ex.

"The ex what?" you are probably asking. I can't answer because I don't really know...he was more than a friend but I wouldn't call it a relationship. And the fact that he still calls me every once and awhile confuses me even more. Last night he wasn't even drunk. Drunk phone calls I can handle, but sober ones? That requires coherant thinking...and dialing...and talking.

I kind of feel bad after I talk to him because he never seems suspicious of my reasons and excuses. "Oh I can't talk because I'm in a restaurant" "I can't come over because I'm not in the area" "I didn't call back because my cell phone was dead."

I told him I'd call him sometime to catch up but I don't really want to. I know he'll invite me over and then, instead of just saying no, I'll give some lame excuse and he'll believe me.

Please Don't Ask

I spent some time last night with a few of my out of town family members. One of them is my cousin who is my age and while we don't keep in contact as well as we should, we are quite comfortable falling right in step with each other and catching up on each other's lives. For what similarities we do have, we are actually quite different people. She's very open and willing to share anything and everything about her personal life. And because she is like this, she tends to think I am too. Last time I saw her, about a year and a half ago, she was asking if I had a boyfriend. It was while we, along with 2 other cousins and 2 aunts, were on our way to sightsee in DC and were all in my cousin's Suburban. Even though it was a private conversation I was immediately a little paranoid and felt like everyone's ears were trying to hear my answer. My family is close and we tend to know everyone's business (in a caring way:). I think I evaded the question because at the time my answer was a definite "no" and she had just moved to California with her boyfriend. Not that it matters what my answer is but sometimes I wonder if my extended family wonders what I actually do in my personal life because I never talk about it. It has only been in the past year that I have started to allude to some things with my sister. We still aren't (and maybe never will be) to the point of openly sharing those kinds of things.
Anyway, last night my cousin didn't inquire about anything too personal to which I was grateful. Not that I didn't want to share but I didn't want to automatically scrunch my face up in a perplexed way and then try to explain my way out of it.

Call me stingy

Call me stingy, but I don't like sharing certain things. While I am more than happy to share food and movies and other material possessions, I have no desire to share books or men. Books are like various pieces of my personality, and I hate the way they tend to not come back. However, it was thinking about "open" relationships and the idea of sharing a man that really prompted this post. I learned the other day that two people at my part-time job are "seeing" each other even though both are in other relationships. This was supposedly ok because both of these relationships were very "open". You know what? I don't want to be in an open relationship and have to deal with the thought of someone else getting a piece of someone I'm interested in. I don't need to feel like I own the other person, but at the same time, I want to be important enough to him that he doesn't need anyone else. Evidently I'm just a monogamy kind of girl.

Face the Nation or Why I Wear the Mask...

I discovered today that my makeup is my fool-proof shield against whatever is going on.

I mean, I put on the concealer and I immediately feel myself start to put up the walls...every swipe of the brush is another brick that I've put down to shore up myself for whatever the world is planning to throw at me. Foundation is a layer of mortar over the bricks and the eyeliner (the darker and smokier the better) is the security alarm, by the time I add eyeshadow, mascara, blush and lip liner I'm fully decked out in NotSamantha business mode...tis a little disturbing.

As soon as I exit the bathroom I've immediately ready for all comments, questions and diatribes (sometimes my own) with a quick tongue and a raised eyebrow.

I've fended off many an unwanted conversation with a look alone so I know this works...

Now, as to why I use my makeup this way. Quite honestly, because what is underneath really doesn't want to be bothered with fending off whatever will come my way.

I'm a bitch.

"Be My Friend"

I think I get "Be My Friend" crushes. I encounter certain guys and there is something about them that makes me want to have them be a part of my life. I love having a lot of guy friends and I'm not sure if it's the "big brother" aspect of it or just because guys seem to be a lot less petty than girls. I'm not sure sometimes though if I have a real crush or a "Be My Friend" crush and then I don't know how to go about getting that person in my life. In some cases I find myself going back and forth between making eyes at someone and having a friendly conversation (not that a friendly conversation doesn't go with a romantic prospect). This is on my mind because at the moment I know someone who I want in my friends list. I'm not trying to flirt with him but at times it just happens and then I get confused which kind of crush I'm having.

I hate being confused.

The joys and agony of being alone...part 2

I'm having another night in alone. And unlike the last one I'm perfectly happy with that. I've done some work for my full time job, so I don't feel like a total slob for laying around the house and not doing much in general, but as usual when I'm alone my subconcious get the best of me and I start thinking about the things in my life that may or may not need fixing.

Like, the fact that I'm still not in a relationship.
Like, the fact that I still live with other people when I should probably be living alone.
Like, the fact that I'm no closer to finding out who/what I want to be exactly.

*sigh*

In other news I'm not feeling to pitiful for myself. In fact I feel rather empowered by the fact that I recognize that its time for me to move into the next step of adulthood and that's living alone...maybe I'll get a cat...

Observe Your Surroundings

Last night me, NotMiranda and NotJason went out in DC and had a really good time hanging out in a bar and watching the people around us. We couldn't help but comment on the "meeting people" rituals that occurred.
-The tallest guy and tallest girl gravitated towards each other
-The men wearing sports jerseys were near other men wearing sports jerseys
-The short girls and the short guys really hit it off
-Crotch angling does NOT work, in fact it's quite creepy
-The very loud and obnoxious guys were surrounded by the type of girls you imagine don't have a thought in their head

Of course these are all just unsupported observations and us making comments on people did not lead to any grand conclusions. I think we did learn that we enjoy each other's company a lot and none of us were aching to meet someone else in that environment. (Note: Meeting people in other environments is always an option).

The important thing is, the night was a lot of fun and maybe my next blog entry will be about the wild streak emerging from a certain Not.

Meet Me In The Bathroom.

I need to start dating guys my own age. Or at least liking them more.

There's always been an intrigue with "older men" and me. By older I mean 4 or 5 years older than me, not 40 with 3 kids and 2 divorces kind of old.

Out of college, out in the real world kind of old. And this makes sense, because that's where I want to be right now.

But perhaps if I were to hang out with some of the guys that are my age, that even go to my school, perhaps I would be more content with the situation I am in.

This will take a lot of pondering. And more confidence than I'm ready to handle.

Second hand goods

I was riding the metro again this morning and once again pondering the abundance of men wearing wedding rings. I began to ponder the possibility that the majority of men my age (or close) might have already made the committment leap and what ramifications that held for me. In my feeble mind, this means that I may have missed my chance this go round and have two potential options. (1) Settle for an older guy who already has his first divorce under his belt or (2) wait until the guys that are currently my age begin to see the light and divorce . Either way you cut it, my options are much better when looking at used goods. If I'm ever going to ponder this possibility, I will need to start selling this to myself in a better light. I'm a sucker for marketing, so maybe I should start to think of them as 'vintage' versus 'used'.

*please understand that most of this post is meant to be read as a bit tongue-in-cheek*

The Glass Is Half Full

I am a firm believer in having no expectations. I think that if you go through life not expecting anything then you will rarely be disappointed. This theory has actually worked out very well for me since it I adopted it awhile ago. I have my moments of weakness though when I wish with all my being for something special to happen and so, if it doesn't, I find myself getting down. These are the times when I get a little crazy and decide I am over someone. It's a silly thing though because if true feelings are involved then how can they dissipate so quickly? What gets me out of a funk like that is focusing on the good.
It sounds simple because it is.
Instead of worrying and feeling crappy because a certain someone didn't call, welcome feelings of elation when he/she does.
So your night together ended early-why stress over that when you can think back to the good times you did have?

If you don't expect it...you can't be disappointed.

What's romantic?

I had a beautiful weekend at an amazing set of lakeside cabins...alone. This got me to thinking about what I considered romantic. These cabins, for example, had the potential to be very romantic. I think fireplaces on a really cold night are romantic..any light with fire is romantic lighting (expect, of course, if your house is burning down). What do you consider romantic?

I wish there was some sort of universal female solidarity pact. So that what is said won't be used against a person in the future.

Coffee, tea or me...

As I type I'm sharing a quiet afternoon with NotSkippy. Shocked? Yeah, me neither. We're in one of our favorite haunts, reading and working...or he's reading and I'm working. I've got so much to do that I've resorted to taking work home on the weekends.

And where go we when we part ways. He to the NotSkippyGirlfriend and I to the grocery store for viddles.

Its funny, but we hung out last night and he said he missed us being able to do this. Its also funny because I didn't act on my impulses that were screaming at me to make a play. But I don't poach, so no dice on that part.

Its kinda nice sitting here doing nothing particular and discovering that we can sit in companionable silence and just veg out...

Now, back to schedules...

*glares at paper and computer program*

Change is Good

I have gone from beautiful blonde to gorgeous brunette. I guess I'm challenging my Not character a bit more than I should be, but it has been fun so far.
It's nice to have a change. I've been blonde pretty much since birth, so this is a pretty radical change for me.

Only time will tell which haircolor is more fun...

Hand Holding and Couplehood...

Every once in a while I get this yearning for attachment to someone. This week seems to be one of those times. I look around (meaning I see my roomies), both who are attached to interesting guys and wonder if there should be some sort of compromise in my favor for the sake of becoming a unit with someone...

Then I slap myself silly and return to my reality.

However, I would still like to have that someone I can curl up to in the cold months that are coming (because I hate the winter), hold hands with (again cold hands cold weather) and possibly take that latin dance class with (burn the floor baby, yeah!). Maybe I should invest in some sort of bed/sofa type space heater instead, and just go to the dance class and dance with the instructor...

Who's in a woe is me stupor about her lack of bf...not me *whistles*.

21 Days At A Time

Every few weeks my voicemail alerts me that I have messages marked for deletion. So every few weeks I have to go through the messages I have saved and decide which to keep and which to get rid of.

There are a few I automatically save because they make me smile when I hear them:

NotGibbon calling to give me directions to meet up with him after he had moved far, far away and was back for a visit. I'm worried it's the last time I will hear his voice.

NotTownie returning a phone call after an adventurous night out on the town. He's so hot and his voice is sexy so the voice mail is a keeper.

NotCharmingMan is someone who leaves messages that make you feel as though you've just had a conversation. He, too, has moved far away now so I like to keep his voice around.



There is one saved voicemail that I never listen to but always save. If it starts and I listen for too long before I realize what it is I gasp and have to push "9" to save it and get the phone away from. It's a message that contains an almost incoherant declaration of love and it freaks me out. I listened to it over and over when I got it with my mouth wide open wondering what the hell had happened. I can't erase it...it's like evidence or something.

The joys and agony of being alone...

I've recently decided that it may be time for me to get a place of my own...which is a bit shocking because I'm such a people person. However, this weekend just solidified it for me. I spent a very satisfying if remotely boring weekend with myself. No one to talk to, unless I called them, no one to laugh with, no one who I was beholden to at all.

I was completely on my own. Surprisingly enough the roomie, NotAfraidofCommitment was absent, for which I was greatful for and the new roomie (haven't come up with a "Not" name for her yet), was in her room, so this left me to my own devices which included catching up on reading, getting back into my weekend workouts and getting the normal stuff I used to do on Saturdays pre-NotSkippy.

However, with the highs there are also the lows, like the stupor I let myself sink into on Friday when I had no one to talk to. *bah*

Me, complicated? Who are you kidding.

Where have all the cowboys gone

Not that I necessarily need a cowboy, but seriously folks, I am a woman in need of some lovin'. You need to pick your mind up out of the gutter because I'm talking about all the other stuff that goes along with it. Now accepting applications.

Something I Must Tell You

I'm in a pickle.

How do you tell someone you like them (or would like to at least hang out with them) without having to face the potential of rejection, considering you see them every week in close quarters?

Just Put Your Lips Together And...

I have always been fascinated by those moments in movies where the male and female lead each move in at the same time for that perfect kiss. I know its "make believe" but it is difficult to remember that when faced with moments of my own when I want that perfect moment. Earlier tonight I had the perfect opportunity and as my mind started daydreaming past the moment of reality I imagined how great it would be. My mind works in amazing ways and the mundane get not only fireworks but perfect musical accompaniment and all camera angles are perfect.
The moment passed quickly and I had to snap back to reality and get on my way but for that moment, when my "make believe" took over, it was perfect.

No Phone, No Phone I Just Want To Be...

I keep hesitating to pick up the phone.

I want to talk to someone but I can't decide who. And I'm afraid that I'm trying to mix two needs into one and the result of this could just further complicate everything that is going on. I know this is all very ambigious which is also part of the problem. I think what I want is someone I trust fully and I can just talk to. Not worry about what I am saying or how it makes me look as a person, whether I am selfish or petty or a worrier (which I totally am).


So I haven't picked up the phone because I know if I do it will be horrible and then I'll just feel worse or like I bothered someone. I hate to feel like I bothered someone.

I need to stop.

So you guys know all about my little ordeal with NotVegas.
I've been really proud of myself because lately, I haven't been thinking too much of him. Until today.
I was looking at a former friends' photos online and I came across a familiar face... well it was a body actually. It was him. Driving. In the car that I had been accustomed to riding in for so many months.
What I saw in the picture matters not. It's the feeling in my body that I've felt before.
You know that feeling you get when you see someone you really like, a little fluttery feeling? You get kinda shivery?
Well, I got that feeling, but in a bad way. It's hard to explain. It's like the devil incarnate of the butterfly feeling. My heart started beating faster and my face got all hot, but then the memories starting flowing and my heart starts to burn and I'm ashamed...

Do you know that feeling? It's the worst. It's the feeling of wanting something you know you can't have.

That you shouldn't have.


But that you still want.

Time Out

When I am tired I get frustrated and when I get frustrated I tend to make rash decisions. Luckily for me and those around me, my rash decisions usually don't last. However, today I have so far decided to quit my second job, to move to another city, and to focus my 'crush' energies elsewhere, etc. I don't know why I do this, make such big decisions so quickly. Nothing really happened to ignite these thoughts I'm having. It's not like there is some new problem at work or things are going differently in other areas of my life.

It's my third area that I'm questioning that is occupying the most of my thought-time. I need to figure out if this falls under my "rash decision" category or if it's something that needs to be considered. I just don't know. "It's complicated" has been uttered by me so often lately.

It's common advice to wait 30 minute after eating to swim, to wait 20 minutes after a meal to feel full, and to wait 15 minutes after trying on pants to really tell if they fit or not. Such trivial advice can be applied to other things too...just wait a little bit to see if that decision is right-if it fits.

Clothing makes the woman...

I'm a big believer in clothing...and shoes, definately shoes. And I love getting new clothing and pairing them with great shoes and then going out with my friends...

Hence this post.

What gives us that euphoric feeling of rightness in our world when we cut the tags off of a new pair of pants, remove the sticker from that new pair of shoes and slide them over hips, over heels and smooth them across thighs, etc?

For me its always been the complete look and given my body issues if the look doesn't come together totally I'm wrecked for the rest of the day. Clotheshorse you call me, probably, but I prefer my other alter ego, Shoe Whore.

But what about you? Does that new outfit give you the tingles, does putting together just the right accessory with the right outfit send you into orbit, come on dish about it...We can be clothing fiends together.

Speaking of...ladies of Friday night, heels or chunky? you know the drill...

And the red cami may make an appearance on friday as opposed to saving it for Saturday, but we shall see.

A Hint Of The Future I Hope

I got to hold hands today. Well, sort of. I love fingers and hands and forearms and holding them and being in posession of them. There is something so amazing about that kind of extremely innocent human contact that feels so good. It's a connection...it's assurance...it's secure. It's not some drunk guy trying to grope you or get their hands somewhere you don't want them. It's welcome and calm and warm. I love how they fit together...hands, that is.

*ahem*

Note to Self:

Do not watch girly movies (especially if they involve Matthew Maconeghey (whatever the spelling)) if you are:

1. single
2. horny
3. drinking cheap white wine that "tastes" like strawberries
4. there is chocolate involved

The end result is NotMiranda and I lamenting over not having a man (like him) to cuddle with.

This coming Friday had BETTER be fruitful.

When opportunity knocks...

I'm just a series of missed opportunities when it comes to men. Last night is a prime example. NotaDancer asked me what he was doing Friday night (in reference to someone else asking about their Friday night work schedule). After looking at the schedule and seeing that he was off I responded with, "I don't know. What are you doing?" No, no, no! It hit me too late that I could have been so much more creative. I could have (1) invited him to hang with us or (2) answered that he was taking me out. Not that either of those would have guaranteed a positive response, but they at least had a bit of sass to them.

Vs.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind???



or



Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder....




Discuss.

Part of me wishes I could go back to how I was before, when I kept more to myself. In high school it would have taken the end of the world and then some to get me to admit I had a crush on someone. Hold on, let me reminisce for a moment about my high school and college crushes:

NotActor: I was in the pit orchestra for a musical and the lead was this amazingly hot guy whom I lusted after for months. I even talked to him once-asked if he had seen a necklace my friend lost. I did admit to liking him but only because my friends confirmed his hotness first. I had this plan to get a ride home from him one day.

NotTexan: One of the older guys in Band. He was so cute until he got mono and came back to school skinny and wearing cowboy boots. I remember "flirting" with him as a freshman and getting him to teach me how to play perididdles.

NotMike: NotMike was like the God to high school. He was hot, charming, nice, talented, and not an ass. I think most every girl had a crush on him at some point. I was friends with him and even had a good friend date him-and have her heart broken by him. I sometimes try to find him online in hopes of reconnecting or at least finding out if he's not married with 2 kids and has a beer gut.

In college it took a few years for me to feel comfortable confiding in friends about guys I was in like with. Actually, I don't think there really was anyone those first 2 years who struck me as someone to pursue. But junior year...watch out!

NotGibbon: I don't know why I liked him so much. I was enamored with him, I couldn't eat around him because the butterflies in my stomach were trying to kill me. It was torturous to have to keep it quiet while a close friend attempted to make her crush into something more and then when he ended up dating the girl people called his soulmate. They didn't last but their relationship, from the snippets I gathered, was deep but also tumultuous. I had to tell people I liked him, it was to the point where it was obvious. A good friend set up a deadline for me to tell him but it came and went and I didn't stop loving him until even after college.

NotChris: NotChris was almost like a project, a challenge. He was charming and there. He's a good friend and a good guy but my time of being in like with him was almost out of boredom, I admit it.

NotDiesel: He and my good friend used to sleep together so having a crush on him was always kind of weird. But it couldn't be helped and I had no problem with people knowing because he's hot.

NotPunk: It was also a little awkward having a crush on NotPunk because my roommate did, too. He was another cute charmer but he also happened to be in a lot of my classes and liked the same music I did. He was adorable.


So that brings us to now...(roughly) and back to my original thought of not revealing as much about myself. I'm not even sure of the direction I want to take this thought and I'm not sure why I started talking about. I guess that lately I've been getting paranoid about certain people knowing things. It's not so much that I think they are going to use their knowledge against me or in a bad way but maybe it's an issue of control? I also like to keep things to myself as a guard against the future and things that could happen. Avoiding embarassing or awkward situations is high on my list of things to do.


I'm going to end there as I had no theme at all...just me, rambling.

A Century of Fakers

So I was inadvertently turned down last night. It sort of pissed me off. I was talking to NotKnight and he was talking to me about dates and relationships and he kept alluding to the fact that he wanted to ask me out... he even asked me what my "dream date" was and that I needed to be taken out on a romantic date since I haven't had one in awhile.

Later on in the conversation, he admits to me that he has a date with someone on Friday. And that he's "enamoured" of her.
What.The.Fuck.
Then he tries to redeem himself by saying "But that's the only thing stopping me from asking you out."

I HATE GAMES! That is one of the easiest ways to get on my bad side.

I had to think about it more today and I realized that I honestly am mad at this situation. So I quit it. Even if he comes "running" back I'm going to take NotMiranda's advice and play hard to get... in this case "never gonna get me."

Men suck sometimes.

Jealous Guy

I hate leading someone down a certain path, then later deciding that same path makes me uncomfortable. Those are decisions that are hard to retract.

Bigmouth Strikes Again

The flirting has increased tenfold with the myspace guy...NotKnight. I think he's going to ask me out soon and I don't know what to do. I've never met him in person and am nervous about doing so. But I think that he's an honestly good guy and we have great conversation... CONUNDRUM!
What should I do?
This online shit is always sketchy, in my opinion, but what if I'm giving up on something good?
It would certainly be a checkmark.

*Le Sigh*

Not Fitting in on either side...

I went out tonight. With NotSkippy and his and my mutual friend NotALawyerYet. It was interesting. We met up for dinner and then her friend invited some of her friends and we headed to Adams Morgan. For those of you non-DC people, that's an area of Washington where all the clubs are.

From there we prceeded to hit one bar and start on another before we realized how late it was. As I was making my way back to the train with NotSkippy and NotALawyerYet I realized one thing...I hate the bar scene. I hate the pick up, have to be flirty and flip your hair (if you are so inclined), smile dazzling, even when you're pissy drunk mindset that I saw in the vast majority of women there. I had not been dressed to impress, in fact I wore the same pair of jeans I had worn to work this morning, a pink t-shirt and sneakers. I was going for comfy, and did I feel intimidated by the bevy of the perfect female form objectified...you betcha.

Which got me to thinking about my self perception versus the societal norm of the female body. I would love to believe that I am totally immune to such displays, but I am not. With each passing of someone smaller than me I think about how that person sees me and do they see what I see projected each time I look on?

Alas, to this question I don't have an answer, in all honestly I'm not sure I want one, because if the answer I'm seeking is not likely to be the one I get.

Uncertain

I'm not sure what to do.

It is impossible to ignore and forget certain emotions. I'm also afraid that if I push them aside for awhile and give myself, and others, a break that things will change. I'm worried that any change will occur in the wrong direction and then everything will be lost.

Damn that double edged sword.

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