Come On Girl, Play!

Porn.

I don't get it.


As in, I don't understand why people like it. Especially in magazine form. The other day NotMiranda and I bought a Playboy to give to someone as a gag gift. We of course covered all of the "parts" as part of the joke but it got me thinking about guys and porn...and then women and porn.

Men: Studies all over the place show that men "do their homework" (=masturbate) a lot and studies even show that they need to physiologically. And I guess for some of them, seeing some big busted woman is hot or something. Or they just need that visual er, stimulation. So to sum this awkward paragraph up: I can understand why some guys enjoy porn.

Women: My friend, NotSusan and I bought a PlayGIRL once as a gag gift and left it open in our friend's living room for a party he was having. Noone even took a second glance at the naked wang or remarked on the "hott ass in the pictures!" We looked through the magazine ourselves and were not impressed. It was more comical than anything. Are there women out there who buy this magazine for specific purposes other than as a gag gift? The magazine can not stay in business just to provide a few laughs here and there. But who buys it? Noone ever talks about the "hot centerfold in Playgirl this month" and you never see movies where the teenage girl has her secret stash of Playgirls discovered by her mom while cleaning.

Personally, I would rather there be a magazine focused entirely on the pelvic muslce, the hottest part of a male's anatomy. I propose that the first issue be dedicated to Brad Pitt, the Kind of the Pelvic Muscle, and the centerfold shall be of him in Fight Club. Holy hell he is hot. Ok but wait, I have lost my focus of this blog as I started thinking about lovely Brad and his pelvic muscles.

Oh who am I kidding. Brad Pitt is hot, Playgirl is not.

The End

She came, she saw...she tried on a corset...

This weekend while NotMiranda was prepping for a night on the town with NotCarrie, NotCharlotte and yours truly I was making my way into the BDSM world. I started by going with my friend NotJackie to an event with her friend Notubergeek to a shadier side of the Capital for shopping and free seminars. It was a good way for me to get introduced to the one thing I've been contemplating since breaking up with NotSkippy, if I want to be truly honest I was thinking about it even before then.

I went, I saw and I tried on a corset. A lovely confection of black satin and red and pink cherry blossoms which can be mine for the economical price of $450...which I fully intend to shell out as a present to myself.

I also managed to buy some very nice shoes...okay they have 4 inch heels and are definately the ultimate in CFM wear, but I love them...they are so very very hot.

I also got to watch women who are not the model thin, and silicone enhanced of the porn movie realm drop trou and display themselves in front of audiences of 60 or more people for demonstrations. It was very liberating. I also got to see a shirt painted on using liquid latex.

More importantly I got to learn about a scene that most people don't give enough thought to. Its a very tightly knit group of people who are very comfortable with themselves and with the choices they've made sexually, which caused me to wonder. How often do we hold back asking for something we want in the bedroom because we think it wouldn't be widely excepted?

I'm kinky and part of discovering the kinkier side of my nature included going to this event and others and learning about what I want and don't want from my partner.

Now...all I have to do now is set up a 'play date'.

The Trouble with Loving Men...

So have i told you before, that I love men? In pretty much any way: gay, straight, fatherly, brotherly, etc.
I just happen to attract gay men. I, NotCharlotte, am a Fag-Hag.
This all started in high school when I immediately befriended this goth girl, who turned out to be bisexual. This opened the door for other such individuals to befriend me because I, NotCharlotte, was an apparently openminded individual who couldn't care less about others' sexual orientations.
Which brings me to my current situation.
I have a gay husband (NotHusband) and a gay betrothed (NotTheater). Both of these men claim that they are gayer than a leather pinata, but even I have my doubts.
I have had many in-depth conversations with my husband about whether or not he's really gay. He does not believe in gay rights, he only likes taking men from behind, and he's somewhat of a stuck up jerk when it comes to treating men right.
The thing is, what happens if he decides he's not gay? We are in this weird situation where the more time we hang out, the more it feels like we're actually a couple. People have actually asked me if we're dating and to be honest, sometimes it feels as though the answer is yes.
As for NotTheater, he has told me that he's the Straighter version of Gay. Which confuses the hell out of me. He's a VERY touchy feely guy and I cannot hang out with both of my guys at the same time, because there's competition. YES competition! I have talked with both of them about it and they both agree that they feel they're the only "gay" for me and therefore the other one is made fun of, etc. Which is weird all in itself.
So, in closing:
When does the college experiementation end and life decisions are made? Is being gay in your early 20s just a fad? What happens when your best friend decides that they want to try heterosexual experiences?
That makes me sort of nervous, but that will be left for another time...

Gaydar

I have had a lot of gay men in my life, and for a period of time, that was all that I hung out with. Now, I once again find myself surrounded by increasing numbers of gay men as our local Queen Keeper (NotCharlotte) continues to pick up a number of surrogate boyfriends. The problem is that in this day and age I have found it increasingly difficult to distinguish between a gay man and an evolved metrosexual. Why is this even important? Aren't we all just people? We are (just people), but as a single woman, I don't have time to waste on falling for, stalking or becoming intimately interested in a gay man. I have had this problem before, and trust me, I "changed" no one. This leads me back to my original problem. How do we tell the difference in these modern times and not get burned? Also, do we risk labeling a sensitive straight man simply because he doesn't fit into society's typical "man" mold?

thirty, flirty & thriving

I woke up today to face the world as a 30 year old woman. If I'm being honest, I've actually spent the last week dealing with and celebrating that fact.

- I have drunk a bottle of wine while taking a relaxing bubble bath.
- I have confessed affection to man I've had a crush on for a while (cowboy).
- I managed to kiss at least 4 of the 30 guys on my Project 30 Kisses for 30 Years (might have to prolong it into a month-long goal).
- NotSamantha bought me a vibrator shaped like a rubber duck.
- I have had Bottoms Up pizza and been show the fun areas of Richmond.
- I have danced my way into my 30s.

Happy Birthday, my dear NotMiranda... I hope this year brings you a lot more check marks and good times with your dear Nots.

We love you!!

Drop and give me 20

I have a thing for men in uniform. Not just a little thing, mind you.

Just seeing commercials for that new movie "Jarhead" makes me want to burst into orgasmic spasms.

Military men, man oh man.

An Empty Well

I am at such a loss for something to blog about. The current situation has no news as the weekends are the time for advancement and the weekdays are merely to analyze the past weekend. I am even having trouble trying to recall a story from the past just to entertain! Noone around me is doing anything of interest (NotGirls not included, they can tell their own stories). I guess I will just have to wait until the weekend gets started in order to have something to blog about.

Good thing I have a lot planned for the weeked!

All that I can't say...

I've been thinking this week about all the things I don't say about myself (and for the Nots who know me pretty well that's saying a lot). The really personal, deep down issues that could make most run screaming into the darkness if they were to see. And then with this thought I had to wonder if I were being true to this blog and the reasona that I write in it.

*shrug*Don't know.

What I do know is that I can't bear all of my soul for the universe to sniff at, find lacking and then pee all over, I get enough of that from self introspection.

So here's a post about all the things I can't say, but sometimes wish I could.

Can't Stop; Won't Stop.

Due to a phone call that NotMiranda made last night to someone from our past, I had weird dreams/thoughts about this specific someone. That makes me want to see this certain someone again.

It's weird how someone is out of your mind until you are reminded of them, then that's pretty much all you can think about.

Is that sad?

Is settling down really selling out?

I'm turning 30 soon, and NotCarrie and I were discussing what this birthday means to me. Negative? Positive? I think 30 will be fabulous. I'm content with where I am in my life and my general accomplishments. Do I have some growing up to do? Some issues to work through? Yes, and I am ok with that. As is sometimes the case, our conversation drifted toward men and relationships. I talked with her about how I've always "known" I would be one of those people who got married late in life but also how I would have liked to have been in a serious relationship as I pass into a new decade. Having not been in a serious relationship for quite some time you do find yourself questioning what's so different about you? Why can't I find some good enough and who thinks I'm good enough, too? One thing I do know is that, no matter how frustrated I get sometimes, I can't settle. I can't be one of those women who takes the first thing that comes along or who just wants TO BE MARRIED. So, as I stumble through these last few days as a 29 year old, I am going to not settle. I am, however, going to tell that cowboy how I feel about him. That's not settling...that's just smart.

Seemingly Easy

My coworker, who is in my age bracket, came in on Monday to tell me her great news, "NotCop asked me to be his girlfriend!" I did the obligatory squeals of joy for her and asked all of the appropriate questions but I will readily admit I was a tad bit jealous.

("Jealous" is a word I am desparately trying to use less of but in this case, it is necessary.)

I am envious of the ease with which this new relationship has come to her. They've known each other for a year but just recently have been hanging out more and more. She has come in more often than not red eyed and exhausted but with a smile on her face having spent the evening before hanging out with NotCop until the late hours of the night. And now, he has asked her to be his girlfriend. They are exclusive. And happy.

I am happy for her because she has had her share of heartache and bad experiences in the past, but I also struggle to understand why this can be so easy for some people! And I don't think she is doing anything differently, or at least it's nothing I can figure out. I guess I can't judge the situation because my understanding of it is cursory. It's like judging a book by it's cover. Sure, NotCop and NotOhio seem to have eased into something really great but I bet there is more to it. I know personalities make a difference as I am not able to be as open about something like, "Be my boyfriend" and tend to approach the potential 'boyfriends' who have the same personality traits.

I really am happy for her though...I just hope I can come in on a Monday (soon!) and receive the obligatory squeals and not have to give them.

Satisfaction

NotCharlotte's Halloween party on Friday was a good fit...the right number of people, an eclectic mix, everyone in costumes. I noticed a common thread running among all of guests that hasn't really been commented on. Perhaps I only notice it is there because I am aware of it lurking behind my eyes, too. Look into the eyes of any of the revelers that evening and you would have seen a desire...a desire for more. No one there was fully satisfied with where they were at that given moment. I'm not talking about the physicality of being at NotCharlotte's. Everyone had a great time and definitely wanted to be there. It's just that, for some reason, while we were all busy being someone or something else our desire for that unattainable became more visible.

The Dangling Conversation

So last night I had a Halloween Party.
And dare I say, it was a success! The right amount of people came (including the lovely Not Girls, dressed in the best costumes of the night), the right amount of food was eaten, drinks drunk, conversations had.
Toward the end of the evening, around 4am, the conversations got a bit more personal... and dare I say interesting.
Most people had left by then and a small group of us went downstairs to the comfy couches to unwind and sober up.
To the tunes of NotGreatHead's guitar, we inevitably started talking about relationships, and "types."
One guy that had decided to stay was of slight interest to me. NotNY. Due to slight indications that he may be gay, I have simply been observing his mannerisms and relations with my friends. My best friend, NotHusband, was convinced he was gay, and proceeded to hit on him for the entire evening. These two men finally decided to hash it out in the remains of the night, NotNY giving quite convincing arguements to the fact that he was indeed not attracted to men.
NotHusband wasn't quite content with this answer and prodded him into letting us in on the secret that he had in fact "experimented" with men in the past and decided that it just didn't do it for him. He went on to explain that he was so comfortable with his sexuality that if his personality reflects the fact that he acts gay, so be it.
His justification of his personality was so intriguing to me. Being comfortable with yourself is the most important step to becoming who you really are. I simply listened for most of the night until the conversation progressed into what he thought "his" type was. His most important quality? How a woman holds themselves. One of my friends asked him to use me as an example, and of course I didn't object. He said that I held myself so confidently, he knew that I was comfortable with myself completely.
This was kind of a shock to me. I never considered myself "comfortable" with my own body. I have always struggled with the way I look, but I guess I fool people into thinking that I do indeed hold myself in high regard.
The conversation went on and I learned that men happen to think of me as "hot" and "confident," which was either a lie (due to alcohol), or a nice surprise.

It's not that often that I have the chance to get compliments handed to me like this, so I think I'll consider it the latter.

Last night was surprisingly fulfilling, I'm glad that the people who mattered were there, it meant a lot.

NotSkippy you can kiss my lily (okay its not lily) white (okay...its not white) ass!

I wish to indulge in something I try to not do a lot of...passive agressive posting. Because right now I feel the need to vent and this is the venue in which I choose to do it...its either this or put my car through a certain Not character's window.

NotSkippy, oh ye of the issues with women, the issues with me, the self-deprecating way in which you chose to suffer with Boobzilla instead of making me feel good about you having moved on to at least something comparable to me, can kiss my ass.

Oh ye of the, not comfortable with being with me, but not being able to tell me until it gets to a head, despite me having told you at the outset of this thing to let me know so I could reign my shit in, can kiss my ass!

Oh ye of the, not being able to get over the fact that this is 2005 not 1805 or 1905 for that matter and you are your own person, can kiss my entire ass!

Oh ye of the, I don't want to do the right thing because then everyone will be angry with me...*you can't see it but I just flipped off the computer*

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

I wore a pink wig to a party and man did I look hot!

I found her!

I found my old persona of NotSamantha Jones hiding in a box of my winter clothes. Up until today she had been wrapped around herself and in a box filled with the remnants of herself, just waiting for me to rediscover her...and the first words that I say to her...

Hello Stranger.

Sadly, there's no one but my roomie's cat to pay witness to this great discovery.

Soft Hair

My hair was so soft. And my Chanel No. 5 wafted perfectly. And I had non-tacky pink lipgloss on that tastes good. And my legs were smooth...

But did anyone know but me? No. I was driving home last night and I started thinking in this weird perspective about things. I wasn't upset about anything that would normally make me upset. I didn't care about things not going how I kept imagining them or the weirdness that occurs every once and awhile with certain people. What I kept thinking about was me...and that noone was appreciating ME to the fullest.

I'm not saying this in a self-deprecating way, I am saying it in an "I am totally awesome and people are missing out" kind of way. My friends appreciate me, of course, but they appreciate different kinds of things. I don't think they notice when I change perfume or when I wear lipgloss that tastes good (at least, I hope they don't). I guess I just started thinking about how I want someone to be a little closer to me and to notice the little things.

My hair was really soft and noone knew!

All Hallow's Eve

It's Halloween weekend and all across the country women are heading out, looking like sluts. Sexy nurse costumes, Vampire hookers, etc...you know the drill: It's the one night of the year women can dress in pleather and fishnets and not be judged. I myself have taken part in this tradition in past years as I have dressed up as a Candy Strip(p)er (damn, that uniform is short!), a sexy spy (pleather mini included), and even a herion addict one year (herion chic?).

Costume parties allow us to take on another identity, to put on the mask of another personality, to be someone else for one night of the year.

This year, as my weekend of celebrating witches and ghosts begins, I can't help but think of doing the opposite: taking the mask off and letting it all out. Not hiding behind a certain way I want to be perceived. Not trying to hide my true feelings and certainly not worrying about my soul being sucked out because I did something I knew was necessary. I will go out tonight in my costume (not slutty, but very funny) but I am still going to be me. In fact, I think more of "me" is going to come out tonight than it has in awhile.


Happy Halloween! (Night 1 of 4)

(Just kidding about the soul sucking out thing...MUHAHAHA!)

Chick Lit is not a square of candy-coated gum...

I love books...good books, smutty books (especially these), books with or without pictures, but lately, I've discovered that there is a book that I hate with a Foamy-type squirrely wrath. And that would be chicklit.

Now, don't get me wrong, Jennifer Weiner's and Sandra Cisnero's are what I really love about chick lit. What I hate about it is the candy pink or flourescent (sp?) green books that scream out to you from the shelves with stories of a shopper with no money and no means to stop her own bad habit getting the guy, who just happens to have oodles of money with which to continue said bad habits; or the girl who moves to another town only to fall into the same bad habits that lead her leaving the first and finds love with some sap.

I crave the intelligent wit of women who have sort of discovered what they're looking for, who shy away from their bad habits, who can stand on their own two feet before being swept off them into the arms of the male character. In short give me some substance with my chicklit...because otherwise it may just as well be a piece of candy-coated gum that will leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Happening Endings...

Something's come to my attention over the past few days.

I've discovered that I like happy endings. The girl gets the guy or vice versa, big kiss on the lips, everything is tied up nicely with a bow and the world is a happy shiny place in the end kind of happy endings. Don't know why exactly I just do.

Which probably accounts for why I only read romance and stories where I'm pretty much assured that the resolution at the end will be a good one. Books where people have to suffer throughout do not appeal at all.

And which probably accounts for why I place feelings on things, people, places, etc. that don't actually belong there. I'm still waiting for my happy ending...and I'm sure I'm going to get it...if I wait long enough...

*taps foot*

Okay, this waiting crap is for the birds, looks like I'm going to have to hack it out on my own.

Suffer in Silence

I've been feeling very "lusty" lately. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about what my "type" is.
There is this guy in my English class that I am lusting after. He's the scruffy, tall, sort of chubby indie type that I have loved since I started listening to Indie music.
I think I've talked about him before. But still.
Lust. It's the only word I can use to describe this feeling. And it's weird how non-sexual it is. This is the emotion you feel when you can't have something you're yearning for. It's the simple fact that I would like to have an interesting conversation with him about art is enough to satisfy my lusting. It's like NotCarrie's previous post about having a friend crush. I need/want/have to have him as my friend. And of course, if something more were to happen, I think I would be on cloud nine.

Now, as always, I just wait for either this feeling to subside or I find someone else to curb these cravings.

Addicted

I have an addictive personality. I'm not even sure if that's an accurate psychological assessment, but in my mind, it accurately describes my tendency to latch on to things I like. For example, I am addicted to Diet Coke. I have written poetry about my love affair with caffeine. For this site, it's probably more relevant to talk about my addiction to the idea of love. You see...I haven't been in love in a long time. So, while not being in love, I've developed an addiction with the idea of love. Movies and TV (hell...even books) simply fuel addictions such as these. As "chick flicks" crowd your local cineplex, you can bet there are millions of girls like me watching and calculating when Richard Gere will ride up and save them from the virtual whoredom that is their lives (hello....Pretty Woman). How can we break this fascination for wanting what isn't real and start searching and dealing with what is? Maybe this is just me, but all too often I find a small part of me wanting to be more in the movie than in my own life (think love/romance/men, not life in general).

He's Her Lobster

As much as I love Luke, from Gilmore Girls (and I do), I think I want a Ross. Ross as in Ross Geller, Ross and Rachel, FRIENDS! I caught the episode last night where the gang watches Monica and Rachel's prom video, aptly titled, "The One With The Prom Video." This is one of my all-time favorite episodes of one of my all-time favorite shows. I love it because it has it all: laughter and romance which , go figure, is exactly what I want in my significant other.

Ross has it all: he's intelligent, ambitious, funny, adorable, cute, kind, giving, devoted, loving, quirky, and about 100 other positive adjectives. The end of TOWTPV gives me goosebumps every time. Rachel sees how Ross has been in love with her since high school and would do anything for her. She walks over and...*oh my gosh*...kisses him! It is so romantic and passionate and I melt everytime. It begins this amazing, yet complicated, connection between the two. They are soul mates...they are each other's lobsters! They are...fictional.

But you know, even though they are fictional characters there is reality in there too. Ross loves Rachel. He does for YEARS and it takes him forever to finally tell her. They go through things that non-tv people do, too. I think that's why Ross seems so ideal at times. I think it's because I have met people in my own life who are a "Ross." I am never going to be Rachel (aka perfect) but the possibility of finding a Ross? Those chances are good.

I want a Luke

Between catching up on the last couple of weeks of Gilmore Girls and talking to NotCarrie about some of the older seasons she is making her way through, I've come to realize I want a 'Luke'. I'm not tossing out the term Luke to mean that I want a boyfriend/fiance/cute guy to bring me coffee. Luke simply illustrates certain characteristics I want in a man. To begin with, he is a man (as opposed to boy). If I were better at the "quote" game, I would post a number of my favorite Luke-isms, but I'm afraid I need to leave that to the better quiped NotCarrie. What I do know is that he is sarcastic and surly. He is funny and caring and thoughtful and independent and hot. He reminds you of the kind of man who will be in it for the duration. This is what I want. This is what I deserve.

Blast From The Past

I accidently got really drunk tonight. And then, instead of calling who I really wanted to talk to, I called my ex-whatever. I knew if I called who I wanted to call I would end up saying a lot of stuff that just shouldn't be said over the phone or while drunk. So I called NotRoger...I'm not sure why but I'm so very thankful that it went well. It was kind of weird because I told him about my current situation and he told me about his: He's involved with a married woman. How does someone go from ME to a married woman with a kid? I really do hope things work out for him though and he expressed the same sentiment for me. We reminisced about the first time we made out and we both remembered it exactly the same way. I'm glad though that we didn't remember how things ended.

It's been a long day and a little over 12 hours ago I was driving home unable to hold back the tears. Having the day to myself and spending the night in the past really helped to put things into perspective. I'm not sure how but I'm in really good spirits right now. Optimistic.

And really....really tired!

Guardian Angel

Last night I got a lot of checkmarks down.
I had a date. (check)
With a guy from myspace. (check)
That I had never met before. (check)

NotGerman. He and I apparently know some of the same people from Germany, so there was an instant bond.
Not to say I wasn't nervous about meeting him. NotMiranda had to talk me into it about 5 times. I kid you not.
But I pulled up the courage and picked him up at the metro (after NotMiranda's suggestion that I do not, under any circumstances, pick him up at his house) and after he got in the car I started to feel better.
He smelled really, really good.
So we went to a movie. He paid for everything, which I normally have a problem with, so I argued with him about it but he just wouldn't let me pay. Hmph.
So we watched the movie and I think he was a bit disappointed that I was so into it because he kept inching closer but I'd kind of ignore it.
This is for several reasons:
1. We were watching Elizabethtown. I absolutely LOVE Cameron Crowe.
2. It was our first date. No moves on the first date, especially since I had never met him.
3. I'm sorry to say, but I'm just not that into him.

I didn't realize this last part until I was driving him back to the metro. He invited me out to this party in the city, but before I knew it, my mouth was making up the ol' "I'm tired, busy day tomorrow" excuse.
He was just too damn nice. And he agreed with EVERYTHING I said. There was no space for arguement, which is a big part of my Italian heritage.

After I dropped him off, I called NotMiranda, who I then found out was in the exact same movie as we were, as well as in the same bathroom at the same time I was, in the stall near mine and we both were texting each other at the same time. How weird.
So I saved her from drowning outside in the rain and we drove around the city trying to find Al Gore's house and talking about relationships.
NotGerman could be a perfect candidate, we decided, however he would only be the "substitute" person until the right one came along.
So the problem is now, what to do about him. We also discussed the fact that although no sparks were felt on the first date, perhaps it's something that grows in time.
Thing is, I'm not sure if I want that.
This is too tough a decision to make right now. And I think I'm only skimming the surface of my delusional mind. I should just be happy that I had a freaking DATE! :-)

Misplaced Possessiveness

Once I ignored my stomach and nerves I had a really nice time last night. Everything seemed easy, and casual, and just right. Dinner and a rented movie and a really dark room along with a lot of champagne-it was perfect.

Details aren't necessary;) The purpose of me bringing the night up is that one sentence caused everything to spin off axis. It wasn't spoken by me or him but we both definitely heard and then proceeded to ignore it. If either of us were "talkers" we could have talked and laughed about it but we didn't. Maybe I was hoping it was true...or would be true in the near future.

I'm sorry I am being cryptic. I need to keep these things in my head right now or else there will more more variables for me to overthink.

Feel the sting

Intimacy is your uncontested area of expertise. You recognize it in all its forms, from a glance to a heartfelt talk to a hug you know someone needs exactly when they need it. Prepare to pass out all of that and more.

This is my horoscope for today. I'm just wondering when people will begin to know what I need. Maybe it's all in that damned elusive nature of a scorpio. We can give and give but have a real hard time letting people get close.

Butterflies And Steel

My stomach is a mess right now. I am freaking out. I feel like it is a giant knot made out of lead and then there are butterflies flying all around.

I need to not psych myself out about this. Not a big deal, right? Stating the obvious, right?

Right.

I am Woman! Watch me flex...

Doing my part to embody the feminist I want to be, I work out...okay I also work out because I like the idea that even though I may not look it I am capable of tossing lesser beings over my shoulder and into the dirt.

I get up at the absolute butt crack of dawn (read 5:30am) and drag on my workout gear (lots of pink!) and hit my local gym, where I proceed to lift and flex and squat my way into a better more fit me.

Its really fun watching the business geeks who haven't a clue as to which end is up on a Smythe rack as they chat with their other coworkers about the latest office gossip or what stock to buy or what rate they're getting on the mortgage. For me, its about the clang of metal on metal...

However, recently, my domain has been invaded by NotSkippy who has decided that he needs to make a more concerted effort to get into shape and so he joins me here and is beginning to do his thing *snort*.

The really humorous part of this is that I could probably toss NotSkippy over my shoulder and run around with him for a while before I broke a sweat.

That's me, uber woman of muscle extraordinaire...

*snort*

...And Nothing To Wear

An outfit can make or break a day. Whether it be too tight jeans, a sweater that itches or shoes that pinch in all the wrong places an outfit can ruin a day. On the flip side- a favorite pair of jeans that accentuate what you want and hides what you wish you didn't have, the sweater that brings out the yellow specks in your eyes and the scarf that provides the comfort you sometimes need can make an ordinary day that much better.

I am a clothes whore. There, I said it. I AM! I read fashion magazines religiously and even tear out the pages of things I want. JCrew is like the Bible to me and I highlight itto reflect my wishlist the day it comes in the mail. I can't say no to a sale and can think of a million reasons why "I need this now." My problem lies in the fact that I often have nothing to wear. I have an overflowing closet of some things I have never worn and many things I rarely wear. I can't stop going towards my "comfort clothes." It's not that I don't like my comfort clothes or that they could only be described as "blah" it's just that often I get to my destination and wish I had tried something new, put on something else.

I want to change this. I want to start and end each day feeling awesome and wearing something hott. I don't want to ever say, "No, I can't hang out because I wore my laundry day jeans to work." I don't want to think, "I hope I don't run into him because my shirt makes me look washed out like I am sick."

The clothes don't make the woman, we know that. But for me, the clothes can really help turn the ordinary into the extraordinary! And with the extraordinary comes excitement and I never turn down excitement.

Several Arrows Later

This weekend I had a lot of fun. One of my close friends, NotNerd and his roomate NotTwin came to visit from New York. We proceeded to get drunk a lot and have a good, relaxing time.

All throughout the weekend though, I kept getting teased by my parents about NotNerd. In high school we were inseperable; we talked on the phone pretty much every night. We co-edited the school newspaper, so we had to...
That's beside the point. I kept getting teased because apparently he kept calling NotTwin by my name and would compete with anyone who thought they knew me better.
They said that I need to get my claws in him before he becomes a rich and famous man and all the ladies are after him.
Thing is, I've never really felt that way about him. I tried my best this weekend to see if there was anything, but to no avail.

Some guys are just best left as friends.

Multitasking In The Game Of Love

I got to thinking on my drive back from lunch about the different excuses people use for not starting a relationship. From my own experience I can think of quite a few but for brevity, I will focus on one:

"I don't have time for a relationship."

My problem with this statement is that people never (or should never) say, "I don't have time for friends." I think if someone said that then they would be a very lonely person because friendship's require an effort of some sort no matter how miniscule it is. I have friends who understand that I can't take a weekend to come visit them but we remain friends because we keep in contact in other, more manageable ways.

And isn't a relationship essentially a friendship with an extra bond? To break it down to it's simplest form a relationship could be defined as friends with benefits and that special bond. (Bond can, but does not always equal love or commitment, etc.)

So if someone has enough time in his or her life to be a friend, then how can they not have enough time for a relationship? I understand wanting to spend as much time as possible with a significant other but isn't something better than nothing? One could think of it as multitasking-a friend and significant other in one! Maximize your free time! Date your friends!

Okay, Maybe I've lost track of the point here...

*kisses*

The Ex What?

What else would come from an unrecognized number on my cell phone than confusion? I should have known something was up the moment my phone rang and I failed to know who was calling me. It was the ex.

"The ex what?" you are probably asking. I can't answer because I don't really know...he was more than a friend but I wouldn't call it a relationship. And the fact that he still calls me every once and awhile confuses me even more. Last night he wasn't even drunk. Drunk phone calls I can handle, but sober ones? That requires coherant thinking...and dialing...and talking.

I kind of feel bad after I talk to him because he never seems suspicious of my reasons and excuses. "Oh I can't talk because I'm in a restaurant" "I can't come over because I'm not in the area" "I didn't call back because my cell phone was dead."

I told him I'd call him sometime to catch up but I don't really want to. I know he'll invite me over and then, instead of just saying no, I'll give some lame excuse and he'll believe me.

Please Don't Ask

I spent some time last night with a few of my out of town family members. One of them is my cousin who is my age and while we don't keep in contact as well as we should, we are quite comfortable falling right in step with each other and catching up on each other's lives. For what similarities we do have, we are actually quite different people. She's very open and willing to share anything and everything about her personal life. And because she is like this, she tends to think I am too. Last time I saw her, about a year and a half ago, she was asking if I had a boyfriend. It was while we, along with 2 other cousins and 2 aunts, were on our way to sightsee in DC and were all in my cousin's Suburban. Even though it was a private conversation I was immediately a little paranoid and felt like everyone's ears were trying to hear my answer. My family is close and we tend to know everyone's business (in a caring way:). I think I evaded the question because at the time my answer was a definite "no" and she had just moved to California with her boyfriend. Not that it matters what my answer is but sometimes I wonder if my extended family wonders what I actually do in my personal life because I never talk about it. It has only been in the past year that I have started to allude to some things with my sister. We still aren't (and maybe never will be) to the point of openly sharing those kinds of things.
Anyway, last night my cousin didn't inquire about anything too personal to which I was grateful. Not that I didn't want to share but I didn't want to automatically scrunch my face up in a perplexed way and then try to explain my way out of it.

Call me stingy

Call me stingy, but I don't like sharing certain things. While I am more than happy to share food and movies and other material possessions, I have no desire to share books or men. Books are like various pieces of my personality, and I hate the way they tend to not come back. However, it was thinking about "open" relationships and the idea of sharing a man that really prompted this post. I learned the other day that two people at my part-time job are "seeing" each other even though both are in other relationships. This was supposedly ok because both of these relationships were very "open". You know what? I don't want to be in an open relationship and have to deal with the thought of someone else getting a piece of someone I'm interested in. I don't need to feel like I own the other person, but at the same time, I want to be important enough to him that he doesn't need anyone else. Evidently I'm just a monogamy kind of girl.

Face the Nation or Why I Wear the Mask...

I discovered today that my makeup is my fool-proof shield against whatever is going on.

I mean, I put on the concealer and I immediately feel myself start to put up the walls...every swipe of the brush is another brick that I've put down to shore up myself for whatever the world is planning to throw at me. Foundation is a layer of mortar over the bricks and the eyeliner (the darker and smokier the better) is the security alarm, by the time I add eyeshadow, mascara, blush and lip liner I'm fully decked out in NotSamantha business mode...tis a little disturbing.

As soon as I exit the bathroom I've immediately ready for all comments, questions and diatribes (sometimes my own) with a quick tongue and a raised eyebrow.

I've fended off many an unwanted conversation with a look alone so I know this works...

Now, as to why I use my makeup this way. Quite honestly, because what is underneath really doesn't want to be bothered with fending off whatever will come my way.

I'm a bitch.

"Be My Friend"

I think I get "Be My Friend" crushes. I encounter certain guys and there is something about them that makes me want to have them be a part of my life. I love having a lot of guy friends and I'm not sure if it's the "big brother" aspect of it or just because guys seem to be a lot less petty than girls. I'm not sure sometimes though if I have a real crush or a "Be My Friend" crush and then I don't know how to go about getting that person in my life. In some cases I find myself going back and forth between making eyes at someone and having a friendly conversation (not that a friendly conversation doesn't go with a romantic prospect). This is on my mind because at the moment I know someone who I want in my friends list. I'm not trying to flirt with him but at times it just happens and then I get confused which kind of crush I'm having.

I hate being confused.

The joys and agony of being alone...part 2

I'm having another night in alone. And unlike the last one I'm perfectly happy with that. I've done some work for my full time job, so I don't feel like a total slob for laying around the house and not doing much in general, but as usual when I'm alone my subconcious get the best of me and I start thinking about the things in my life that may or may not need fixing.

Like, the fact that I'm still not in a relationship.
Like, the fact that I still live with other people when I should probably be living alone.
Like, the fact that I'm no closer to finding out who/what I want to be exactly.

*sigh*

In other news I'm not feeling to pitiful for myself. In fact I feel rather empowered by the fact that I recognize that its time for me to move into the next step of adulthood and that's living alone...maybe I'll get a cat...

Observe Your Surroundings

Last night me, NotMiranda and NotJason went out in DC and had a really good time hanging out in a bar and watching the people around us. We couldn't help but comment on the "meeting people" rituals that occurred.
-The tallest guy and tallest girl gravitated towards each other
-The men wearing sports jerseys were near other men wearing sports jerseys
-The short girls and the short guys really hit it off
-Crotch angling does NOT work, in fact it's quite creepy
-The very loud and obnoxious guys were surrounded by the type of girls you imagine don't have a thought in their head

Of course these are all just unsupported observations and us making comments on people did not lead to any grand conclusions. I think we did learn that we enjoy each other's company a lot and none of us were aching to meet someone else in that environment. (Note: Meeting people in other environments is always an option).

The important thing is, the night was a lot of fun and maybe my next blog entry will be about the wild streak emerging from a certain Not.

Meet Me In The Bathroom.

I need to start dating guys my own age. Or at least liking them more.

There's always been an intrigue with "older men" and me. By older I mean 4 or 5 years older than me, not 40 with 3 kids and 2 divorces kind of old.

Out of college, out in the real world kind of old. And this makes sense, because that's where I want to be right now.

But perhaps if I were to hang out with some of the guys that are my age, that even go to my school, perhaps I would be more content with the situation I am in.

This will take a lot of pondering. And more confidence than I'm ready to handle.

Second hand goods

I was riding the metro again this morning and once again pondering the abundance of men wearing wedding rings. I began to ponder the possibility that the majority of men my age (or close) might have already made the committment leap and what ramifications that held for me. In my feeble mind, this means that I may have missed my chance this go round and have two potential options. (1) Settle for an older guy who already has his first divorce under his belt or (2) wait until the guys that are currently my age begin to see the light and divorce . Either way you cut it, my options are much better when looking at used goods. If I'm ever going to ponder this possibility, I will need to start selling this to myself in a better light. I'm a sucker for marketing, so maybe I should start to think of them as 'vintage' versus 'used'.

*please understand that most of this post is meant to be read as a bit tongue-in-cheek*

The Glass Is Half Full

I am a firm believer in having no expectations. I think that if you go through life not expecting anything then you will rarely be disappointed. This theory has actually worked out very well for me since it I adopted it awhile ago. I have my moments of weakness though when I wish with all my being for something special to happen and so, if it doesn't, I find myself getting down. These are the times when I get a little crazy and decide I am over someone. It's a silly thing though because if true feelings are involved then how can they dissipate so quickly? What gets me out of a funk like that is focusing on the good.
It sounds simple because it is.
Instead of worrying and feeling crappy because a certain someone didn't call, welcome feelings of elation when he/she does.
So your night together ended early-why stress over that when you can think back to the good times you did have?

If you don't expect it...you can't be disappointed.

What's romantic?

I had a beautiful weekend at an amazing set of lakeside cabins...alone. This got me to thinking about what I considered romantic. These cabins, for example, had the potential to be very romantic. I think fireplaces on a really cold night are romantic..any light with fire is romantic lighting (expect, of course, if your house is burning down). What do you consider romantic?

I wish there was some sort of universal female solidarity pact. So that what is said won't be used against a person in the future.

Coffee, tea or me...

As I type I'm sharing a quiet afternoon with NotSkippy. Shocked? Yeah, me neither. We're in one of our favorite haunts, reading and working...or he's reading and I'm working. I've got so much to do that I've resorted to taking work home on the weekends.

And where go we when we part ways. He to the NotSkippyGirlfriend and I to the grocery store for viddles.

Its funny, but we hung out last night and he said he missed us being able to do this. Its also funny because I didn't act on my impulses that were screaming at me to make a play. But I don't poach, so no dice on that part.

Its kinda nice sitting here doing nothing particular and discovering that we can sit in companionable silence and just veg out...

Now, back to schedules...

*glares at paper and computer program*

Change is Good

I have gone from beautiful blonde to gorgeous brunette. I guess I'm challenging my Not character a bit more than I should be, but it has been fun so far.
It's nice to have a change. I've been blonde pretty much since birth, so this is a pretty radical change for me.

Only time will tell which haircolor is more fun...

Hand Holding and Couplehood...

Every once in a while I get this yearning for attachment to someone. This week seems to be one of those times. I look around (meaning I see my roomies), both who are attached to interesting guys and wonder if there should be some sort of compromise in my favor for the sake of becoming a unit with someone...

Then I slap myself silly and return to my reality.

However, I would still like to have that someone I can curl up to in the cold months that are coming (because I hate the winter), hold hands with (again cold hands cold weather) and possibly take that latin dance class with (burn the floor baby, yeah!). Maybe I should invest in some sort of bed/sofa type space heater instead, and just go to the dance class and dance with the instructor...

Who's in a woe is me stupor about her lack of bf...not me *whistles*.

21 Days At A Time

Every few weeks my voicemail alerts me that I have messages marked for deletion. So every few weeks I have to go through the messages I have saved and decide which to keep and which to get rid of.

There are a few I automatically save because they make me smile when I hear them:

NotGibbon calling to give me directions to meet up with him after he had moved far, far away and was back for a visit. I'm worried it's the last time I will hear his voice.

NotTownie returning a phone call after an adventurous night out on the town. He's so hot and his voice is sexy so the voice mail is a keeper.

NotCharmingMan is someone who leaves messages that make you feel as though you've just had a conversation. He, too, has moved far away now so I like to keep his voice around.



There is one saved voicemail that I never listen to but always save. If it starts and I listen for too long before I realize what it is I gasp and have to push "9" to save it and get the phone away from. It's a message that contains an almost incoherant declaration of love and it freaks me out. I listened to it over and over when I got it with my mouth wide open wondering what the hell had happened. I can't erase it...it's like evidence or something.

The joys and agony of being alone...

I've recently decided that it may be time for me to get a place of my own...which is a bit shocking because I'm such a people person. However, this weekend just solidified it for me. I spent a very satisfying if remotely boring weekend with myself. No one to talk to, unless I called them, no one to laugh with, no one who I was beholden to at all.

I was completely on my own. Surprisingly enough the roomie, NotAfraidofCommitment was absent, for which I was greatful for and the new roomie (haven't come up with a "Not" name for her yet), was in her room, so this left me to my own devices which included catching up on reading, getting back into my weekend workouts and getting the normal stuff I used to do on Saturdays pre-NotSkippy.

However, with the highs there are also the lows, like the stupor I let myself sink into on Friday when I had no one to talk to. *bah*

Me, complicated? Who are you kidding.

Where have all the cowboys gone

Not that I necessarily need a cowboy, but seriously folks, I am a woman in need of some lovin'. You need to pick your mind up out of the gutter because I'm talking about all the other stuff that goes along with it. Now accepting applications.

Something I Must Tell You

I'm in a pickle.

How do you tell someone you like them (or would like to at least hang out with them) without having to face the potential of rejection, considering you see them every week in close quarters?

Just Put Your Lips Together And...

I have always been fascinated by those moments in movies where the male and female lead each move in at the same time for that perfect kiss. I know its "make believe" but it is difficult to remember that when faced with moments of my own when I want that perfect moment. Earlier tonight I had the perfect opportunity and as my mind started daydreaming past the moment of reality I imagined how great it would be. My mind works in amazing ways and the mundane get not only fireworks but perfect musical accompaniment and all camera angles are perfect.
The moment passed quickly and I had to snap back to reality and get on my way but for that moment, when my "make believe" took over, it was perfect.

No Phone, No Phone I Just Want To Be...

I keep hesitating to pick up the phone.

I want to talk to someone but I can't decide who. And I'm afraid that I'm trying to mix two needs into one and the result of this could just further complicate everything that is going on. I know this is all very ambigious which is also part of the problem. I think what I want is someone I trust fully and I can just talk to. Not worry about what I am saying or how it makes me look as a person, whether I am selfish or petty or a worrier (which I totally am).


So I haven't picked up the phone because I know if I do it will be horrible and then I'll just feel worse or like I bothered someone. I hate to feel like I bothered someone.

I need to stop.

So you guys know all about my little ordeal with NotVegas.
I've been really proud of myself because lately, I haven't been thinking too much of him. Until today.
I was looking at a former friends' photos online and I came across a familiar face... well it was a body actually. It was him. Driving. In the car that I had been accustomed to riding in for so many months.
What I saw in the picture matters not. It's the feeling in my body that I've felt before.
You know that feeling you get when you see someone you really like, a little fluttery feeling? You get kinda shivery?
Well, I got that feeling, but in a bad way. It's hard to explain. It's like the devil incarnate of the butterfly feeling. My heart started beating faster and my face got all hot, but then the memories starting flowing and my heart starts to burn and I'm ashamed...

Do you know that feeling? It's the worst. It's the feeling of wanting something you know you can't have.

That you shouldn't have.


But that you still want.

Time Out

When I am tired I get frustrated and when I get frustrated I tend to make rash decisions. Luckily for me and those around me, my rash decisions usually don't last. However, today I have so far decided to quit my second job, to move to another city, and to focus my 'crush' energies elsewhere, etc. I don't know why I do this, make such big decisions so quickly. Nothing really happened to ignite these thoughts I'm having. It's not like there is some new problem at work or things are going differently in other areas of my life.

It's my third area that I'm questioning that is occupying the most of my thought-time. I need to figure out if this falls under my "rash decision" category or if it's something that needs to be considered. I just don't know. "It's complicated" has been uttered by me so often lately.

It's common advice to wait 30 minute after eating to swim, to wait 20 minutes after a meal to feel full, and to wait 15 minutes after trying on pants to really tell if they fit or not. Such trivial advice can be applied to other things too...just wait a little bit to see if that decision is right-if it fits.

Clothing makes the woman...

I'm a big believer in clothing...and shoes, definately shoes. And I love getting new clothing and pairing them with great shoes and then going out with my friends...

Hence this post.

What gives us that euphoric feeling of rightness in our world when we cut the tags off of a new pair of pants, remove the sticker from that new pair of shoes and slide them over hips, over heels and smooth them across thighs, etc?

For me its always been the complete look and given my body issues if the look doesn't come together totally I'm wrecked for the rest of the day. Clotheshorse you call me, probably, but I prefer my other alter ego, Shoe Whore.

But what about you? Does that new outfit give you the tingles, does putting together just the right accessory with the right outfit send you into orbit, come on dish about it...We can be clothing fiends together.

Speaking of...ladies of Friday night, heels or chunky? you know the drill...

And the red cami may make an appearance on friday as opposed to saving it for Saturday, but we shall see.

A Hint Of The Future I Hope

I got to hold hands today. Well, sort of. I love fingers and hands and forearms and holding them and being in posession of them. There is something so amazing about that kind of extremely innocent human contact that feels so good. It's a connection...it's assurance...it's secure. It's not some drunk guy trying to grope you or get their hands somewhere you don't want them. It's welcome and calm and warm. I love how they fit together...hands, that is.

*ahem*

Note to Self:

Do not watch girly movies (especially if they involve Matthew Maconeghey (whatever the spelling)) if you are:

1. single
2. horny
3. drinking cheap white wine that "tastes" like strawberries
4. there is chocolate involved

The end result is NotMiranda and I lamenting over not having a man (like him) to cuddle with.

This coming Friday had BETTER be fruitful.

When opportunity knocks...

I'm just a series of missed opportunities when it comes to men. Last night is a prime example. NotaDancer asked me what he was doing Friday night (in reference to someone else asking about their Friday night work schedule). After looking at the schedule and seeing that he was off I responded with, "I don't know. What are you doing?" No, no, no! It hit me too late that I could have been so much more creative. I could have (1) invited him to hang with us or (2) answered that he was taking me out. Not that either of those would have guaranteed a positive response, but they at least had a bit of sass to them.

Vs.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind???



or



Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder....




Discuss.

Part of me wishes I could go back to how I was before, when I kept more to myself. In high school it would have taken the end of the world and then some to get me to admit I had a crush on someone. Hold on, let me reminisce for a moment about my high school and college crushes:

NotActor: I was in the pit orchestra for a musical and the lead was this amazingly hot guy whom I lusted after for months. I even talked to him once-asked if he had seen a necklace my friend lost. I did admit to liking him but only because my friends confirmed his hotness first. I had this plan to get a ride home from him one day.

NotTexan: One of the older guys in Band. He was so cute until he got mono and came back to school skinny and wearing cowboy boots. I remember "flirting" with him as a freshman and getting him to teach me how to play perididdles.

NotMike: NotMike was like the God to high school. He was hot, charming, nice, talented, and not an ass. I think most every girl had a crush on him at some point. I was friends with him and even had a good friend date him-and have her heart broken by him. I sometimes try to find him online in hopes of reconnecting or at least finding out if he's not married with 2 kids and has a beer gut.

In college it took a few years for me to feel comfortable confiding in friends about guys I was in like with. Actually, I don't think there really was anyone those first 2 years who struck me as someone to pursue. But junior year...watch out!

NotGibbon: I don't know why I liked him so much. I was enamored with him, I couldn't eat around him because the butterflies in my stomach were trying to kill me. It was torturous to have to keep it quiet while a close friend attempted to make her crush into something more and then when he ended up dating the girl people called his soulmate. They didn't last but their relationship, from the snippets I gathered, was deep but also tumultuous. I had to tell people I liked him, it was to the point where it was obvious. A good friend set up a deadline for me to tell him but it came and went and I didn't stop loving him until even after college.

NotChris: NotChris was almost like a project, a challenge. He was charming and there. He's a good friend and a good guy but my time of being in like with him was almost out of boredom, I admit it.

NotDiesel: He and my good friend used to sleep together so having a crush on him was always kind of weird. But it couldn't be helped and I had no problem with people knowing because he's hot.

NotPunk: It was also a little awkward having a crush on NotPunk because my roommate did, too. He was another cute charmer but he also happened to be in a lot of my classes and liked the same music I did. He was adorable.


So that brings us to now...(roughly) and back to my original thought of not revealing as much about myself. I'm not even sure of the direction I want to take this thought and I'm not sure why I started talking about. I guess that lately I've been getting paranoid about certain people knowing things. It's not so much that I think they are going to use their knowledge against me or in a bad way but maybe it's an issue of control? I also like to keep things to myself as a guard against the future and things that could happen. Avoiding embarassing or awkward situations is high on my list of things to do.


I'm going to end there as I had no theme at all...just me, rambling.

A Century of Fakers

So I was inadvertently turned down last night. It sort of pissed me off. I was talking to NotKnight and he was talking to me about dates and relationships and he kept alluding to the fact that he wanted to ask me out... he even asked me what my "dream date" was and that I needed to be taken out on a romantic date since I haven't had one in awhile.

Later on in the conversation, he admits to me that he has a date with someone on Friday. And that he's "enamoured" of her.
What.The.Fuck.
Then he tries to redeem himself by saying "But that's the only thing stopping me from asking you out."

I HATE GAMES! That is one of the easiest ways to get on my bad side.

I had to think about it more today and I realized that I honestly am mad at this situation. So I quit it. Even if he comes "running" back I'm going to take NotMiranda's advice and play hard to get... in this case "never gonna get me."

Men suck sometimes.

Jealous Guy

I hate leading someone down a certain path, then later deciding that same path makes me uncomfortable. Those are decisions that are hard to retract.

Bigmouth Strikes Again

The flirting has increased tenfold with the myspace guy...NotKnight. I think he's going to ask me out soon and I don't know what to do. I've never met him in person and am nervous about doing so. But I think that he's an honestly good guy and we have great conversation... CONUNDRUM!
What should I do?
This online shit is always sketchy, in my opinion, but what if I'm giving up on something good?
It would certainly be a checkmark.

*Le Sigh*

Not Fitting in on either side...

I went out tonight. With NotSkippy and his and my mutual friend NotALawyerYet. It was interesting. We met up for dinner and then her friend invited some of her friends and we headed to Adams Morgan. For those of you non-DC people, that's an area of Washington where all the clubs are.

From there we prceeded to hit one bar and start on another before we realized how late it was. As I was making my way back to the train with NotSkippy and NotALawyerYet I realized one thing...I hate the bar scene. I hate the pick up, have to be flirty and flip your hair (if you are so inclined), smile dazzling, even when you're pissy drunk mindset that I saw in the vast majority of women there. I had not been dressed to impress, in fact I wore the same pair of jeans I had worn to work this morning, a pink t-shirt and sneakers. I was going for comfy, and did I feel intimidated by the bevy of the perfect female form objectified...you betcha.

Which got me to thinking about my self perception versus the societal norm of the female body. I would love to believe that I am totally immune to such displays, but I am not. With each passing of someone smaller than me I think about how that person sees me and do they see what I see projected each time I look on?

Alas, to this question I don't have an answer, in all honestly I'm not sure I want one, because if the answer I'm seeking is not likely to be the one I get.

Uncertain

I'm not sure what to do.

It is impossible to ignore and forget certain emotions. I'm also afraid that if I push them aside for awhile and give myself, and others, a break that things will change. I'm worried that any change will occur in the wrong direction and then everything will be lost.

Damn that double edged sword.

Help Needed!

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The end of an era

As seasons change, so do the men wandering in and out of our lives. You haven't heard much about NotElliot recently since NotCharlotte has moved on, but he has been a presence in our lives nonetheless. This week marks the end of an era (well...a year at least) as NotElliot prepares to move to Lynchburg, VA in pursuit of his latest object of affection (NotOldEnough). Over the past few months, I've grown attached to NotElliot as we all rode out the drama of his tryst with NotBigMouth and the almost-rumbles NotCharlotte had with her over him. He was was one of my first assignments as I went undercover as the infamous sex spy and bared a little of his soul for me during my interviews. He's kept me laughing during long shifts at the 2nd job, given me a new appreciation for Will Ferrell, and an occasional smoke to relieve stress (I don't inhale). He helped solidfy my relationship with rum & coke and tolerated me as I clung to his leg drunkenly all night, even ensuring I made it home safely. NotElliot, we'll miss you. Be sure to use your Big-like charms only for good and be nice to all the hot ladies out there.

Change Your Mind.

Spent some time with NotDave tonight... it's so weird but tonight I found him more attractive than I did the last time I saw him.
When I first met him, he reminded me of NotElliot. They had the same fluffy hair and taste in music. They even had similar automobiles.
NotDave has an ass though.
I have decided to try the 'just friends for now' route and see where that takes me. I'm 98% sure that he was checking me out off and on as the night progressed and the number of beers that were drunk climbed.
The one thing that keeps me intrigued is that he is a genuinely nice guy. For example:
I recently asked him what his favorite word was. He replied "The f-word." Not fuck. He made sure that it didn't offend me before he used it.

Dorky, I know. But it's the small things that count, right?

I would have bet money I just heard kissing sounds coming from an office down the hall. I'm intrigued and also jealous. Some office excitement is just what I need to liven up things. And I know just who I want to pick as my partner in crime at each working establishment (hey, 2 jobs = 2 trysts, no?)

Time to head to the other job....this will have to wait 'til tomorrow!

Catch me if you can...!

Well, we're newly designed and still as feisty! Maybe I shouldn't use that word. Makes me feel like my grandmother. But still we're back and looking good, not that we ever looked bad.

Update, things are starting to feel better pulled together this week. Spent Friday night with NotCharlotte talking about the things that NotSkippy had problems with and the fact that he just didn't get it.

We also discussed the opposite sex and pursuit. For me I have to wonder is it wrong if I want the guy to pursue me. I'm tired of having to make the first move.

Which brings back memories of NotMiranda's post on wanting a "MAN" not a guy or a boy, but a man. Will all the real MEN please stand up and be counted because your boy personas aren't doing it for me anymore. I feel I've reached a certain age where I can make demands and this is one of the. I demand a MAN pursue me with as much vigor as I pursued NotSkippy with.

What's on your dating resume?

Undercover Celebrity had the audacity to post a dating resume, and I was intrigued. What would be on my dating resume? For the uninitiated, a dating resume is much like a traditional resume...a list of my selling points, my assets. Much like a "real" resume, it shouldn't be a chronological list of where I've been or who I've been with. I like this exercise. What a great way to think about my positives and start thinking of how to better present myself. So, here's start to my resume...

*Adventurous - I'm always up for new experiences and love spontaneity. I almost always (note emphasis on almost) willing to try anything once.
*Humorous - I'm usually good for at least a few laughs and love to laugh in return!
*I prefer to shop alone - Think of all of the shopping trips I won't drag you on.
*Kissing - I'm a pretty damned good kisser but am always willing to practice.

That's a start. Once I really get going, I may just have to print some of these out (scented paper, of course). Ha!

Something old, something new...

Notice anything different? How could you NOT with Ginger's phat design skills. She hooked us up with a fab new look. What fun we're going to have now. Thanks, Ginger. You were great to work with. You rock the hizzy!

Read Me My Rights

I had a dream last night that I was kissing someone while wearing a work apron. This deeply disturbs me. But now it's got me thinking of the most random place I've kissed someone (location, not 'location'). It would probably have to be the darkened restaurant part of the bar I frequently went to a few years ago. Good think I'm not a slut or I would have felt bad for anyone eating there the next day. I promise you, I am no slut!

However, this subject matter is all just a way for my to cover up what I really want to talk about and don't feel comfortable saying. Part of the problem is the fact that I can't express certain things I'm wondering and/or worrying about.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. I apologize, maybe I got too much sleep.

it's myspace, not yourspace...

I was propositioned last night. For sex. With this guy that I've been talking on and off to for the past 8 months or so. We shall call him NotKnight.
I met him on myspace.com, my new obsession. Well, not really new, I've been a member for over a year. It's amazing how many people I have found that I went to high school with. I never really talk to half of them, I mainly stalk their profile, read their blogs and see if they got hotter/uglier/fatter since we've graduated. 9 times out of 10 I feel better about myself once reading about their lives. Sad, I know. But admit it, you'd do the same thing if you were in my position.
But I digress. This sexual proposition, as weird as it sounds seeing as though I've never met him in person before, doesn't seem like that bad of an idea... well once he wines and dines me. And after the third date. And once I know that he's a good kisser.
He's pretty cute.

But then again, am I really that desperate?
When it comes down to it, all I want is a boyfriend. A "beef." A "second half." So that I don't have to worry about being horny to the point of irritable all the time.

The least I could do is meet him I suppose...

Back into the Swim...

Inspired by NotMiranda's post I too have to wonder have I lost that want to meet new people. To try and open myself up to the possibility of liking someone new. Sadly, I have to admit I do. What's the saying once bitten twice shy. *pfft*

Screw that!

Ladies we're hitting the scene...you've got three weeks to get your butts in gear, then it's LADIES NIGHT!

*cues up dj and spins the track*

Has my engine run out of oil?

In other words, have I lost the drive to meet anyone new? I would have to go with no, but I have lost whatever little skill I might have had. I've been complacent for so long.

The soft rewind...

It's been a year ago today since my last relationship. I thought about that statement this morning as I ate breakfast this morning, as I got ready for work, as I drove my lovely 45 minute commute, and by the time I got to my computer, ready to start my daily email discussion with NotMiranda, I was really depressed. Big surprise, huh?
NotMiranda and I talked about this for awhile, not being in relationships and what we can do to "help the situation." As soon as the words "I want to be half of a whole" appeared on the screen from my lovely friend, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head.
That's what I want. That's exactly what I want. That's exactly what I've never had.
My first "relationship" occured in 11th grade. I'm not ready to talk about that one yet, I'll save it for a special occasion.
So my second "relationship" was in the summer before my senior year of high school. NotJimmy. He was two years older than me but had just graduated.
-He was taller than me,
-Sort of chubby-
-had a full on face beard-
-And thick glasses.
I know.
It all started at the place I worked. (Why I always have work relationships, I'll never know) We had closed up the shop and everyone decided to go down by the river and drink until we passed out. He and I got really drunk and well, next thing I knew we were "dating."
Don't get me wrong, he was one of the nicest, sweetest guys I have ever met, to this day. There was just one thing wrong with him: he was clingy.
And I don't mean "hold my hand all the time" clingy, I mean "let me have my arm around you all the time what are you doing over there come here and give me a hug oh while we're at it can you change your ring to your left hand so i can hold your right one more comfortably" kind of clingy. This went on for a few weeks.
Now, I was sort of new at this whole "pda" thing so I sort of freaked out. It freaked out my friends too. My best friend at the time, NotTwin, said it best: "It's like he OWNS you."
So instead of talking to him about this, I took the advice of my best friend and broke up with him. In the high class way: on instant messenger. I'm usually proud of my technological savvy, but not this time. I felt so bad about it. And so did he. We never spoke again. Seriously.
As I reflect on this situation, I realize that if I hadn't have cared so much what my friends thought about me, I would have worked this situation out. Instead, I was "peer pressured" into breaking up with a guy that I barely gave a chance to.
In the end, I'm glad I did break up with him; it let me be open to other opportunities my senior year, but I still think about him from time to time. I'm still friends with NotTwin, although our conversations are few and far between. I also realized that she was just doing what she thought was best for me and I appreciate that.

I guess this leads me to my reflection questions:
Do your friendships influence some of your decisions in life? Have they in the Past?

Does our perception ever match our reality?

I'm fat. For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking 'duh' right now. I'm aware of this...a lot of the time I'm acutely aware of this. The thing is that sometimes (for brief periods of time) I forget. Then I see pictures...or video and become aware that, not only am I fat, I'm much fatter than I thought. The evolved side of me realizes that I should have the " and?" mentality. Who the hell who should care that I'm fat any more than they care that I have red hair? Yes, there are the health reasons, but let's face it, very few people give a shit enough to think about that when they're looking at you. The evolved side of me watched the F.A.T. pageant the other night and was proud of these girls (versus the other part of me who was thinking the smaller chicks were definitely more attractive). The unevolved, self-conscious part of me is uncomfortable in my body, worries whether I would be able to be hired for the job I want, wonders how I'll ever attract a man. I write all of this because I'm tired of bowing to the evolved side...tired of letting my weak nature and busy schedule win. I want to eat better, exercise more, and not feel like cringing as I watch a video of me.

Show 'em your grill, babe

I think I've posted about this before, but I am continually amazed at the power of a little self-confidence and a genuine smile. My roomie was relaying a funny story to me as I got out of the car this morning, which resulted in sustained smiling action and a general good mood (the beautiful, crisp morning didn't hurt). So, on my way from the parking garage to the metro I made (in the words of NotCarrie, NotCharlotte and NotCarrie's sister, NotAlma) boos. Just flashed some wattage and got some definite positive feedback in return. This one fine specimen of a man...mmmmm. Sorry, I can't continue or I'll start daydreaming about him. Anyway...a smile. Have got to remember that!

In the Key of Summer Ending...

It seems like summers about to end, and while I'd love to say its been one full of fun, sun and men, for me its been one of introspection, decisions and heartbreak. So where do I go from here...?

I'm doing the responsible thing and moving on. Severing the ties I have with NotSkippy slowly. I guess at heart I'm a hanger on and while I'm loathe to see this in other people, noticing it in myself has been quite enlightening.

I finally decided to pay for a membership to the online dating comm that I had been using in the spring...and they even have a blog! So I'll be blogging there to see what I get back in response.

Another thing I've come to grips is my personal outlook on myself. It used to be a lot greater than it was, and honestly, it was tons better before I met up with NotSkippy again. So, I return to what I know. The fall has always been good for changes for me and I'm not going to hold back on them anymore. I know what I want and I figure as long as I take baby steps I'll be happy with any decisions I make there.

Sitting, Watching, Waiting

I'm a believer in signs so when the following happened, I could barely stop myself from laughing. We were all sitting in silence when he asked for the music to be turned up and when I did it was Jack Johnson singing, "waiting on love ain't so easy to do."

Useless

One thing this August has made clear is that I am utterly useless during this last summer month. I haul my butt out of bed very reluctantly every morning and sit in front of my computer dreaming of more creative pursuits. Some days I'll daydream of the possibility of frolicking with cute men and other days I'm thinking of lying in the sun by a large body of water. So, next week I'm going to feed the demon and head down to Virginia Beach for a couple of days for the East Coast Surf Championship. Sun...waves...cute surfer guys. Sounds like a nice way to usher out the summer to me.

I know where the summer goes...

As this summer draws to a close (thank goodness, I HATE hot weather), I have found myself in an interesting situation... I have fallen in "like" with a guy.
NotDave.
I'll elaborate more later, but for now I am content in regaling you with this.

I do have one question though: Is lack of physical attraction enough for you to not talk to someone?

"You're wrapped up in all kinds of beautiful!"

(Pick up linesaid to me in city)

I'm trying to get to my car so NO I don't want to give you my number...

You know, I've come to see that I must give off some sort of idiot vibe when I've wiped my makeup off for the day.

Case in point.

I went to the gym (took off my makeup), got hot, sweaty and then proceeded to clean up and head to the grocery store for some toiletries. Go in, get said items and its raining when I come out. I decide that I'm not sugar, hence I won't melt in the rain and cross the street towards my car...what do I hear behind me, but some guy talking about how I'm not even listening to who's talking to me...*blink* and *raised eyebrow*. What follows is some dude trying to pick me up in the rain, in the parking lot of a grocery store.

Him: You sure look pretty, you got a boyfriend?
Me: No (inching toward door of car)
Him: That's good so you can be my girlfriend.
Me: I don't even know you.
Him: *switching tactics* You got kids. (now this ticks me off...yes I am an ample hipped woman, however this should not be the determining factor in me having kids...)
Me: I don't like children.
Him: *shocked* Really!
Me: Yes, I prefer my godchildren...children that I can give back.
Him: *changing tactics again* Can I have your phone number.
Me: Sure *I proceed to give him my home number...why not some made up digits...well because I never answer the house phone and he can listen to the answering machine and figure that since he's left a message I'm surely going to call him back...NOT BLOODY LIKELY!)
Him: *smug* Don't get a boyfriend, cause you're going to be my girlfriend.
Me: *condescending smile* Again, I don't know you.

At this point I get into my car *finally* and drive away.

*headdesk*

Maybe makeup is a skeezy guy repellant...cause this never happens when I've got my game face on.

Not Quite Cyber

I had a sex dream last night about the IT guy from work.

It's called nerd-love...

Not as difficult to look him in the eyes as I thought it would be. I do want to burst out laughing when I see him though. He's today's nerd in 10 years so it all makes sense.

I am Samantha

I know I'm not NotSamantha and can't even come close to pulling off some of those personality traits. However, I did have a Samantha moment on Saturday evening. I was at my favorite place to hate being on a Saturday night (the Barn), really not in the mood for all of the kiddos trashing the place. Out of the kindness of my heart (right...believe that) and the desire to not spend the night there cleaning, I ventured into the children's department in the early afternoon to clean. The tornado created by the furious movement of so many little heathens had trashed the place. After 30 minutes, all the patience I don't have was wearing thin. I had begun the process of silently cursing them in my head and making loud noises in hopes they would leave. Then it hit me. They were assholes. I had to laugh. Here I was, NotMiranda, standing here wanting to call these little kids assholes much like Samantha calls Brady in a hilarious episode of Sex & the City. And, with that thought, I left.

At the risk of sounding conceited, have you ever wondered who has a crush on you? Do you ever wonder if there is someone out there, possibly someone you have never met, who has intense feelings about you? Or even a friend, maybe a close friend, who longs to have something more with you but you have no idea!

Think about it: How many people have you lusted after or been "in like with" (new phrase, use it) and you never told them. Maybe you never even spoke with them but always had a desire to.

Examples:

I had the biggest crush EVER on NotDracula from a popular hardcore punk band in the city I used to live in. I went to the Starbucks he worked at way too often and attended every show he played (I like his music anyway, phew). I was convinced he was God's gift until one day I heard him talk and all feelings I had for him were lost. The magic was gone. The point is, he never knew I was in like with him.

I've had countless crushes on friends...sometimes they had to have known but others probably didn't have the foggiest idea. So some of my friends must have developed feelings for me, right? A few told me after the fact and it was so weird to think back to their behavior or the different things we did together.

It just makes me wonder...is there someone out there, right now, thinking about me all the time. Trying to coincide daily tasks so they see me??

These type of things can't be one-sided. I know I'm not the only one.

Love and Some Verses

I've been sick this whole week, which has given me a lot of time to think about things. I've thought about weakening friendships, past loves, current crushes, goals for the future, etc. but my mind keeps coming back to one person in my life that I have conveniently forgotten to talk about. I don't think I've even told the three people who share this blog with me about him. NotSwimmer. I went to high school with him and for my entire senior year I had the biggest crush on him. We would chat every day after school online about nothing. He would get on me for asking him so many questions, and I would get on him for being an asshole. This was our daily routine, we never got tired of it. By the end of that year we had become "close." Close enough so that he would invite me over... to watch soccer no less but I still felt good knowing he wanted me there. Close enough for him to come over to my house and wrestle with our other friend in our living room and almost break my window and honestly apologize to my mother about it. As we were all getting our yearbooks signed, he took over a half an hour to think of something witty to write in mine. After a paragraph of inside jokes that we had shared, he wrote: "thanks for putting up with me, I appreciate it. I'm serious."
That was such a long time ago, and soon after that was written, we lost touch for quite awhile.
But every time I would start to forget about him, he would appear out of nowhere and we would chat for hours at a time, catching up on our lives. Same kind of smartass remarks from both of us, but it was normal. I look forward to it every time.
Now with all of the public blogs and everything out there, it's easier to keep tabs on each other. Everywhere I go, from myspace to the facebook, I have a "NotSwimmer would like to be your friend" tab awaiting my response.
The more I learn about him over the years, the more I realize the fascination I have with falling in love with him. I always have said that he will be the one I marry. He and I share a special bond, as little and stupid as it seems. Just to know that he thinks about me once in awhile is enough to keep me going until we finally run into each other again.

*headdesk*

And here's what I sent to NotSkippy this morning by mistake no less.

I don't think I can be friends with you anymore, thanks for the computer, enjoy boobzilla.

*sigh*

*headdesk* Into infinity.

I give up...I mean really...

Okay, so I'll say that I'm in love with NotSkippy. My problem with that, besides the fact that he's dating boobzilla. I can't work up any anger towards him because he's been really sympathetic about it.

I'm starting to work my way through the all consuming feelings I have for him. I mean I can only have him as a friend and I'll just have to come to grips with that...but man its taking too long. He calls me after his dates, hell, he came over after the last date to watch tv and commiserate over it. He spent most of his weekend with me...

That's it, I've got to go out on a date or something...so in two weeks I think I'm going out on my own...trolling for a guy...or something.

Suggestions...questions...feedback..have I lost my mind ruminations...

All hail the great sex spy

Ha! I know, I know...everyone has these uber-serious posts on love, and here I go making light with another post of my adventures as a sex spy. I can't help it; it was fun!

Last night NotCharlotte and I stalked Cowboy by finding his house and driving by. It turned into a bit of a fiasco when we (1) got super lost and (2) had to drive down a narrow residential street (that was a dead end) in the full light of day. I fully expected to get caught and was totally freaking out. Just the sound of this guy's voice makes my heart race, and being that near his house definitely had my nerves tingling. I was so scared he would walk outside, drive up, etc. Some spy I am!

Even more exciting is the return mission I'm planning with NotCarrie. We are going to to do it right...all black...at night...wigs...telephoto lens camera. The goal being to have fun, hone our skills, and find out if there might be a girl in the picture (I really hope not).

All fun aside, though, I need help figuring out how to approach this guy. Because of our work connection, I don't feel like I can be honest and lay my feelings on the line. However, he's got that special something that makes him too rare to just let him walk out of my life.

In love? Who me...?

I do not like having my emotions take control. In fact I don't like being out of control ever. But right now I'm so close to losing what little grasp I have on my control that I'm seriously considering running away from this madness.

NotMiranda has been giving me quite sage advice on what I should be doing, or rather reading me the riot act on going back on previous posts regarding NotSkippy.

Like I said yesterday, I'm addicted to love.

And there's that word, "love" *cringes*. I can't be in love, that's just not possible. Hell, I didn't even sleep with him (slot a into peg b style) yet. I don't know if he's good in bed. WTF! When did I sign on for this?

Now that the self proclaimed whining is over, I would like to stop the world so I can get off.

The bad part about falling in love...makes you really susceptible to getting your heart broken...

Addicted to Love...

Did you ever read those horoscope books that tell that because you were born on such and such day you're destined to be thus and so? Well I have and you know what, being born on the day that's known as "The day of heaven and hell" really doesn't give me much hope for my love life really.

Discovered yesterday that I'm addicted to NotSkippy and like all people who are Piscean, we thrive on addiction, I'm addicted to him, therefore when I said I was going to spend a quite evening at home...which I did, for a few hours (I even finished that book I've been drooling over), the moment NotSkippy called and asked if I was up for anime I said "yes" without another thought...*sigh*

*stands up in front of room* My name is NotSamantha and I'm addicted to NotSkippy.

"HI NotSamantha"

Soooo, where does that leave me...well luckily for me I have a date with someone who's not NotSkippy on Friday...in fact this is date #2 with one of the few sane males I found during my internet dateathon...

We're going to be doing dessert on Friday...and hopefully coffee/tea afterwards...

As for my addiction and the coming weekend...who knows...

Learning to be alone...again.

Well NotSkippy went on an official date to someone who's not me. Woopdefrickin do...

So I spent the time he was on his date, on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor, and the two bathroom floors and then wiping down and reorganizing the counter tops and then taking a shower and moping before running out my house and to the nearest grocery store...so here's my dilemma...I've forgotten how to be alone.

NotSkippy and I spent so much time with each other that I'm now incapable of being alone...

Any suggestions on how to break this habit...?