Sunday, October 12, 2008

Fearlessly Calling Bluffs.

I'm NotLexi, I've been reading this blog for sometime and am very good friends with NotCharlotte, who asked me to be a guest writer. Why? I can only assume she's amused by my manner of relating my various misadventures. She obviously thought other people might get a kick out of it as well.

Rewind to summer of 2005. I was a sophomore in college, and killing time. One particular afternoon, my buddy, NotBatman and I find ourselves hanging out with our other buddy, NotTheRiddler at the apartment in Georgetown in which he's renting a room from a guy he knows from work. We were there because the roommate has a big screen TV and ALL the channels, and we're not people who want to miss out on an oppurtunity to watch softcore porn on a big screen TV for free, also we were told there was a Five Guys nearby, so basically it was a situation that couldn't go wrong. As we're awkwardly standing around, NotTheRiddler takes the oppurtunity to introduce us to his roommate - let's call him NotSethRogen (we'll get to why later.) So, it's the usual, this is so-and-so, this is blah-blah-blah. I should also note, that at the time I was really sick with a cold, so I was in way on top form. Anyhow, the afternoon goes off well, the porn was amusing, the hamburgers - delicious.

The next day, NotTheRiddler tells me that his roommate thought I was cute. More than that, but that he would really like to do me. How flattering. So, I shrug this off. Now, I ought to also mention that at this point I was a pretty blase sort of girl, plodding along - however, somehow NotTheRiddler got this crazy idea (which he still harbours) that I am some sort of Black Widow, this may or may not be true. He tells me I'm not to "destroy the soul" of his roommate. Whatever.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I'd somehow managed to enter into a long winded text/email/myspace interaction with NotSeth. Eventually, I get talked into going to his improv comedy show. (No joke, he does improv comedy, hence the NotSomeoneActuallyFunny monkier.) So, I drag my long-suffering friend, NotHarleyQuinn, and NotTheRiddler and off we go.

It's funny, but not really funny, funny in a kind of weak way. But, I, ladies and gentleman am a woman of almost infinite patience. We sat through it, granted, I did manage to somehow wangle us in for free, so it was really no one's loss. After the "family friendly" show, we stepped outside, I congratulated NotSeth on not being too painful. He seemed...well, let's just say he seemed excited that I had bothered to show up. He also ardently encouraged us to attend the "grown up" comedy improv. I asked if I would be allowed to make suggestions involving beastiality. Yes. Necrophilia? Yes. Well, I was sold. After enduring the second round of this madness, NotHarley and I make our way downstairs for a drink. NotSeth says he'll join us.

When he finally does so, it's him, one of the guys from the show and some girl. She's an important character, let's call her...Sarah. After about 15 minutes, she enthusiastically grabs his hand, and makes some ridiculous comment and being able to "deal" with him not being Jewish. She and I apparently had a world in common, Jewish being just the tip of that iceberg. Anyhow - We then realize that this dull, poorly dressed Sarah is NotSeth's girlfriend, significant other, bit'o'stuff. Well, that's interesting - considering the barrage of flirtation I had been receiving/enduring up to this point. He however did not behave like she was much a girlfriend, despite excruciating discussion of their sex life.

Now, this went on in much the same manner, with her being pathetically demonstrative and him flirting with me, until NotTheRiddler made some whiney comment about not making enough money, to which, NotSeth said "Dude, you're so greedy. All one needs in life to be happy is to be is enough money to live on, a mistress and a slave." And that, to me, was an irresistable invitation to debauched conversation. Sarah rolls her eyes (subtext: not this again.) and I plunge into hilarious BDSM related banter. Of course, he loves this, I love a good bout of perversion, and she is freaking out (rightfully so.)

As the party eventually broke up, he bid me fairwell with the words "call me if you need to be disciplined." Yeah right. She, who was so keen on being my new BFF, was a little pale around the gills.

It has since come to my attention that they are in an "open relationship". She believes she's alright with this, and I think he certainly is. However, I think after that evening she felt a little more unstable. Because it's all very well and good to say you're okay with an open relationship...until there's a girl bitchy enough to call your bluff.

Oh, and call her bluff I shall.

Thanks, But No Thanks

This guy keeps hitting on me at work and while it's flattering, I really just want him to stop. The problem is, though, that I think he thinks I may be interested. See, I never recognize him when he comes in so I say hello like I do to everyone and I think he mistakes my smile and happiness for being excited to see him. Yesterday when he came by someone else went to say hello to him and he said hi, then came straight to where I was and said to the other guy, "I came to see her." (OMG) Of course, I was caught by surprise and in the miliseconds that this all happened, I was saying hello and smiling like I do to everyone (So you can see how he would mistake this interaction for me being happy to see him).


The last time he came in, I honestly thought that maybe I had misunderstood him when he said he wanted to buy me coffee. This time there was nothing ambigious about what he said. He wants to " come back and see" me and "take [me] out for coffee". I don't know what to do when he says these things, though, because I am not in an environment where I can be mean or in a place like a bar where I can just leave. NotSnape, a coworker, made it even worse later when he told me that my inadvertant blushing* probably sealed the deal for the guy. Crap!

So I don't know what to do. My only plan so far is to have either NotSnape or NotGraceful** come be protective and boyfriend-like when this admirer is there. I can't just say, "I'm not interested" because then he has the opportunity to take it all back and said, "That's not what I meant!" and how mortifying would that be!? I'm also hoping that I now recognize him sooner so I can not smile when I say hi.

Like I told NotBecky, it's tough being so gorgeous and charming.


*It was really warm in there. I was so hot.
**Did I change his name? I thought I had. Hmmm

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Ruminations on a Theme

So things with Starbucks guy didn't pan out. We went out a few times and I realized that either he was intimidated by me, or I was too old for him. Either way, we still have our little conversations when I happen to see him on my morning passing through that warm room of caffienated heaven and we send random Palin-related texts to each other sometimes. It is what it is.

I was supposed to go on a date tonight with the man that thumb licked my face. His persistence was trying to pay off and I finally consented to letting him take me out for a drink and to see a comedy show.
It was Thursday and we were chatting online and he said "ok, let's go at 8, I'll pick you up at your house." Then he quickly signed off, saying he needed to study and eat dinner.
I didn't hear from him the rest of the evening, nor on Friday, or the good part of today. I began to be amused. He wasn't a detail-oriented guy, but you would think he'd ask where exactly it was that I lived before he decided to not talk to me again before we had our date.
Around 730, he sends me a text, asking for my address. Yes, 30 minutes before we were expected to jet off to DC. Why didn't I give him my address before, you ask? I was too busy being amused at his insistence of planning the date and not asking my opinion, that I thought it was his job to ask me where he should pick me up.

I was telling notmiranda about this as she waited for her flight home from Portland, and she asked me if I was going to rethink the whole "he's giving me attention, I'll play along with it for awhile" point of view that I've been seeing him with.
I had a mini ephiphany and realized that hey, I want a guy that I love, not a guy that I sort of could possibly like.

This is the dawn of a new period in the life of NotCharlotte. I vow to not waste my time with any guy that I know will never have a chance with me.
Harsh as that sounds, I have realized that with all of the guys I've dated in the past, I knew that I couldn't see myself with them permanently. Within one date, hell, one hour of a date with any of them, I knew that it wasn't a permanent thing. I stuck with it because I wanted to "gain experience" and yes, on some occassions I did happen to fool myself into "loving" the person I was with, but now I think I've had enough of those situations. I need to start trusting my judgment, not making exceptions for what I think I could possibly deal with for the moment.

Friday, October 10, 2008

He's everything I want...can I give him back now...

NotChrisRock has told me in no uncertain terms that I'm contrary for no reason, than to be contrary.

I've decided to believe that he's right. To an extent.

With this latest relationship, I got just about everything I asked for in a partner: someone who could see through the smoke and screens I cloak myself in; someone with a backbone who would stand up to my nonesense; someone to cuddle with, etc, etc. The list seems to go on for a bit. So now that I've had a sample of the good life, what do I want.

To give it back with every fiber of my being.

NotChrisRock is great, but he does a lot of delving into my psyche and what he's pulling out a lot of the time is not what I'm ready to deal with. Last night was one such event.

In post-coital bliss he mentioned something almost sent me running from the bed and from him. Now, I'm stuck between re-establishing the just lovers statuse or go ahead with the status quo. Not sure what to do, but in the end I'm now an even firmer believer in "be careful what you wish for."

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Gild from the Lily…

As with many things that are new for me, the shine has seem to have worn off from NotChrisRock.

In fact, he made me quite angry this Friday.

I'll preface this with an explanation. I like the shiny. I like to window shop, and I do get the opportunity to do so, I don't place a definite time limit, or general speed on which to do it in. Normal time limits such as meeting friends or catching a movie will apply.

So, Friday evening started out like this: NotChrisRock is new to the area and hasn't experienced the wonder that is Tyson's Corner. When I suggested this as a place to go he was all for it. I mentioned that I would like to window shop, but would also be up for a movie. He was game, so after getting frisky with it, off we went.

Within 20 minutes of hitting the mall proper I realized that I had made a mistake. He was a shopping shopper. Not content to do window shopping or rather not content to let me window shop, he felt the need to guide me, under the guise of hand holding (dragging) from storefront to (away from) storefront. At first I was annoyed and told him so, then I got increasingly more so. By the time we had purchased tickets, had a beer and then walked around a bit more before returning to the movie theatre for our show, I was nearly beside myself with wanting to leave him stranded at the mall. If it weren't for the fact that my clothing (and my favorite pair of boots), were trapped in his apartment, I probably would have too. The final straw came in the form of a beckon, after I had exited the ladies room and was heading in a parallel line to meet up with him in front of the theatre I turned and he stood about thirty feet away calling me over (like a puppy). For this he got both raised eyebrows and a spike in my temper. When he continued to do so, I finally returned the gesture with one of my own (children were present so I had to refrain from telling him he was #1), but I'm sure he got the point. Finally, when he refused to move, and I refused to move, I turned on my heels and left for the movie.

He appeared beside me two minutes later, where I proceeded to blast him about treating me like a puppy. The conversation went something like this:

"I don't like nor do I need to be lead around." – NS

"You walk so slow…why didn't you just walk over to me after you came out of the bathroom." – NCR

"I saw you. We were going to meet at the theatre so I headed in that direction. I was walking parallel to where we were going to meet." – NS

"But you could have just turned and come to me." – NCR

"I didn't want to…look I don't like you beckoning to me like I'm a puppy." – NS

This continued until we entered the theatre. At which time, we sat, I hogged my armrest and he hogged his. Twenty minutes into the movie his hand crept over to mine. And forty minutes into it he draped my leg over his. The argument in my mind, was gone, but not forgotten.

Following the movie was the trek back to the car, where the real issues turned up.

"You're thinking, what are you thinking about? Talk to me." – NCR

"I'm trying not to think right now." – NS (See for me this is when he should have let it drop and move onto other things. I didn't want to talk about my busy week at work, my stress level with work, my issues with what happened earlier tonight, I just wanted to get in the car, go back to his place, bounce on him, have an O and then sleep until the morning. Obviously, what I wanted didn't matter…not right then anyway.)

"That's a cop out, what's on your mind?" – NCR

"I really don't want to crawl inside of my head right now, and I really don't need you analyzing me." – NS

"I'm not analyzing you. I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong." – NCR

A snort and a laugh from me. "You know sometimes I should keep my big mouth shut because I asked for this and I got it." – NS

What followed was the continued walk to the car. Silently, thank god. Followed by an even more silent ride back to his apartment, capped off by the equivalent of a Mexican standoff, tv/book style. Finally, I asked if he was going to ignore me all night. He then proceeded to open up with "You said you didn't want to talk."

Now here is where I kick myself. I have always lamented that I didn't have someone who got me, someone who I didn't have to go into details with because they just understood me. NotChrisRock in his own way, gets me. And it freaks me out because he does. And on Friday, that was the last thing I wanted to confront. So, I explained for a bit, complained I was tired, let him drag me into the bedroom, where I proceeded to bounce on him again, get my O and then fell into a semi-satisfied sleep.

Cowardly, you bet, but I've decided that all bets are off when dealing with NotChrisRock. He's way too good at poking at the parts of me that I'm not ready to look at yet.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Kill, Marry, Fuck- The Election Version

The rules are simple. You pick one to KILL. One to MARRY. And one to FUCK.

Joe Biden

Barack Obama

John McCain

and if you're into chicks:

Sarah Palin

Michelle Obama

Cindy McCain