Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Jane Magazine, in their continuing coverage of our favorite virgin Sarah's quest to get laid, has compiled a list of other, later-aged virgins.

Gary Coleman- Said he was the big V back at age 30 and hasn't given an update since. I would bet money the man has at least paid someone to sleep with him since then. Isn't he all weird now? Didn't he freak out on The Surreal Life or something?

Jessica Simpson- Was 22. It would be weird to know this, but she's the one who said she was waiting until marriage and we all know when she got married. Poor Nick.

Katie Holmes- 26. Ew ew ew. We all know what happened here: Tom Cruise, scientology, and cold sores. Poor Chris Klein. Sucks his baby is being raised by another man.

Adriana Lima- She's 25? You might not know who this is. She's a model, therefore she's hott. And no, Isabella Snow, I am not going to go after women just bc it's been a little dull in the male department;)

Jane Austen- The magazine says 1775-1817. Is that when she died? That sucks. Ahh, thank you, Wikipedia, that IS when she died. Sucks for her. No wonder her characters were so pressed. She wrote what she knew.

Kennedy- The MTV VJ, not the President. Apparently she was 28. I bet it was with that one news guy who has been working there since what seems like the beginning of MTV.

Hitler- Says he had sexual dysfunctions. Hmmmm. I think it was the mustache.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Absolutely Nothing

I just sat here for like, 10 minutes trying to think of something to write about and I've got to be honest with you: I've got nothing.

There are no proscpects at work.

There are no prospects at the second job.

There are no males at class (Seriously. I know, can you believe it?)

I haven't spoken to NotRoger, NotDreds, or NotTownie in awhile so there's nothing exciting there.

I no longer work with the married guy and NotTaylor and no, we never had happy hour.

I'm not even interacting with male friends enough right now to read into things.

THINGS SERIOUSLY NEED TO BE SHAKEN UP! This is ridiculous. I'm glad my Notboos have things going on.

Saturday, September 23, 2006


So things are progressing with one of the matchmates. NotSmart (who will now be known as NotScruffy) has become the only person that I now communicate from that site. Well, actually he's the only guy I'm currently talking to, period. Over the past week we've talked every single day, for hours at a time. He's on a work trip across the country, so the time difference is a bit of a challenge to deal with (especially last night, since I stayed up until 4am talking to him on the phone) but it's given us a chance to get to know each other without the nervousness of actually meeting.
I think I'm starting to really like him. This is odd for me, since usually I need to see a potential date-mate in person to know if I want to date them. No, I'm not superficial, I can just "feel" vibes with someone. But with him it's different. Our phone conversation last night was two hours long, with no breaks in conversation. Of course, it did help that I was pretty tipsy, so I talked quite a bit, but I do believe that is more my style of conversation anyway. (Talking a lot, not acting like I'm tipsy).
He gets back early next week and we're already planning something fun for us to do. Be prepared because I do believe this blog will be my place of detailing every single thing that happens from here on out... kind of like how it's supposed to be anyway.

As for NotEmo, he's completely out of the picture. This dude was more of a girl than I am! He was whiny and such a complainer, I knew that we wouldn't "match." Hah.

"But Why?"

I had at least five people ask me yesterday, "Are you married?" and "Why not?"

Now, granted they were all kids, but still, seriously???? So after they would ask me that I would say, "I'm too young to be married!" and would have them guess my age. The most common answer was 21.


Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Silly cunts

Nothing is easy. This is the message I was continually knocked up side the head with last week. Nothing is easy, especially when it comes to relationships.

The deliverers of this harbinger of "be prepared" were none other than friends, coworkers, and, of course, The Last Kiss. Here I am, crushing along, when I hear that NotBride has been separated from her husband for 2 months and is already in couple's therapy. This is a dear friend whose wedding I attended in June and whose wedding video I was still editing. They seemed so in love, so right. Then there was NotRed, who just returned to work after having her second child. She works some nights with me at the bookstore. One evening after her husband called, she filled me in on what exactly he was always calling about. He was freaking out because he just can't handle the baby. He was sobbing about how he couldn't handle it and was tempted to drop the baby with a neighbor and just start walking. He said the tike was going to give him a heart attack. He demanded NotRed quit her job despite the fact that it puts food on the table.

Both these stories made my heart hurt. Why is love, along with so many other things in life, so painful? Shouldn't something so grand eventually get easy? For fuck's sake, we spend enough time second guessing ourselves and primping that we deserve something to go smoothly! To top it off, the two silly cunts (myself and NotCharlotte) took themselves to see The Last Kiss this past Friday. I don't want to give anything away, but holy hell. Is someone trying to send me a message? I was ready to walk out mid movie and drown my sorrows in a nice merlot. Instead, I stuck around and saw the light.

The (en)light(enment)? Nothing is easy, especially relationships. If they're worth it, then you fight for it. You sacrifice and maybe even give a little of yourself. Sigh.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The fine art of shopping for porn...

Hello my name is NotSamantha and I like PORN. *holds up badge*

That's right, I said it...PORN (in all caps). Did anyone duck, did you run screaming into the night. No? Good. Because if you had then I wouldn't want you reading my post anyway.

For all of you who maintain that shopping for, looking at and anything dealing with porn is for the skeazy old men out there who trolls for sweet young things on the 'net, please exit the blog now and return to your regularly scheduled Stepford lives.


There is just something about going to my local porn store. I walk in and I always expect to see several guys who are sneaking peeks over there shoulder to make sure their girlfriend/wife/significant other isn't going to walk in and catch them in the act of picking up the latest volume of Boob Squad 8. Instead this weekend I walked in and there was no one. Just the clerk on the phone and me. It was kind of fun having the place to myself. The clerk even asked me if I needed any help and didn't sound condescending while doing it.

Needless to say I don't buy just anything with T & A taking up the cover. I've got some standards. Since I've found that PORN is one of my favorite forms of entertainment, I've had to come up with some criteria, of which I will list here:

1) My pornpeople must be pretty. That's right, I'm shallow. I want all of my pornpeeps to be preened within an inch of their life. They should be waxed, dyed and smooth of bum and *ahem*.

2) My pornstories must be short on plot. I prefer, the plotless. I mean seriously, its porn, I'm not going to discuss the technical merits of camera angles and how they enhance boob size. I am however going to discuss....

3) My pornpeople should have good 'o' faces. If you can't fake it and fake it well, the what the hell am I giving you 20 bucks a dvd for? Fake it like you make it. Gratuitous use of moaning is not appealing.

4) My porn must have extras. I want sneak peeks of the other stuff you do. I could care less about star biographies, but give me lots of extras with more of the nude.

These four things are what I'm looking for as I flip through the countless racks of dvds. Sometimes there are particular people I have in mind, but mostly I'm in it for the nekkid. So what about you guys. Be honest, I know you shop for it at some point. Whether you're dragged in by your crazy friend or you stroll in of your own will. Wear your PORN badge with pride, just make sure its facing front so everyone else can see it.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

You Can Bring Me Flowers

NotCharlotte has been incredibly busy lately.

School, work, e-dating.

Wait, what? Yeah, that's right. I've got some online boos courting me.

I decided to jumpstart my man-kharma by joining online dating sites. I have found in the past that once I create a profile (which includes the bare minimum of facts that include my love for all things that light up, the color pink, cupcakes, and music of the indie-snob fare), men in my "real" life pop out from nowhere and problem solved. This happened a few months ago when I started dating NotMarine. That didn't work out, but then NotElvis appeared. This whole NotElvis thing is not working out, so became very appealing to me. Especially once I found that there was a 3 day trial that didn't cost anything!

I didn't really think much of it and went on my merry way.
The next morning I woke up and discovered that I had been "winked" at. How 1950s! I quickly checked out the profiles of potential shaggers and discovered that out of 12 men, 3 of them seemed interesting enough to take me out on a date.

Long story short, I started instant messaging all three of them. One, NotADD, didn't make the cut after every other word out of his mouth was misspelled and describing to me his love for auto repair and getting his associates in Business so he can open up a car detailing shop with his friend.

Then there's the other two. NotSmart and NotEmo.
The first is a 26 year old graduate from NotCornell with a Masters degree and a job that sends him out to exotic locations... like San Antonio. He's got a great head on his shoulders, has got great taste in music, and gets my sense of humor. Problems: He LOVES sports and is a vegetarian. I can do the vegetarianism, it's not like i live for beef, but the sports thing? Meh.
The second one is a 23 year old indie-liberal who works in the public service. He and I have fantastic conversations about music and movies. He likes comic books and we've spoken on the phone pretty much every day. Problems: he's a bit moody (EMO) and he's an athiest. While I'm not necessarily religious, I'm fairly spiritual. We haven't gotten to that part in our conversations yet, so I'm not going to pass judgement.

When I type this out, it seems like I've already made up my mind about who I like better. I have tentative plans to meet both of them (at separate times/locations, of course. I'm not THAT good) but I'm still hesitant about it. I have never dated two men at once! How do I go about doing this? I'm afraid that I'll start a conversation with one that I had already begun with the other and have to save my ass when they're confused about what we're discussing!

Have any of you had good/bad experiences with online dating? How about dating multiple partners at once? Any insight at all would be wonderful!

One Blind Date Of A Lifetime

I think one blind date per lifetime is enough for any person. Let me tell you about mine.

I was young, like 20 or something, and agreed to go to an unnamed college in southwest VA to attend their winter formal with a friend of my friend's boyfriend. Basically, she needed someone to go with her on the ride and I guess she and her boyfriend thought it would be fun for a group of us to go. I was set to go with NotLasagna (will explain later) yet before I agreed to go, I made my friend email a less than attractive photo of me to the guy so I wouldn't show up and he'd vomit in the corner or something. My self-confidence wavered a bit just because of the title "Blind Date" so I just wanted us both to be prepared and less 'blind'. I also agreed to go because my friend promised me there would be a lot of drinking and, since I was underage, this was exciting for me.

So we finally show up after a forever long ride that included us being run off the highway and come into the guys' suite to drop our stuff off and get ready for the dance. I'm pretty sure my date and I didn't say much more than, "Nice to meet you" when introduced. It was beyond painful and the 20 year old NotCarrie was a lot more shy than the one of today. And, I hate to admit it, but he was kind of cute and I couldn't help but daydream about us having quite the attraction and ending up smitten with each other.

First we went out to dinner and that is when I knew I was going to be left out of the smittenness. Why, you may ask? Oh, because NotLasagna's ex-girlfriend was there and seemed to be the only person he could and wanted to see. I felt like an idiot sitting there at the group table with everyone while my date was off making up with his ex. Oh yes, MAKING UP WITH HER. My friend and her boyfriend were pissed and apologized to me for the situation. My friend joked, "At least you're getting a free meal? haha" so I made sure that was the best lasagna ever and yes, that's how he got his name. NotLasagna was only good for that-lasagna, which he grudgingly paid for.

As bad as dinner was, we still hadn't even gotten to the dance which was our main reason for going down there. He and I danced maybe once and the rest of the time he was with his girlfriend. You read correctly, NotLasagna by then had completely gotten back together with the ex yet was still my date and 'obligated' to be around me some. So I was slightly miserable and trying not to let it show since my friend was having a great time with her boyfriend. Oh and the alcohol? We never got to that part because my friend drank too much at the dance (where I couldn't get anything) and ended up being sick.

We stayed the next day and night too, attending the football game and hanging around the dorm. I didn't talk to NotLasagna at all which really wasn't a loss (except for maybe him.) And tailgating? That didn't happen either.

So basically, I spent my weekend NOT getting drunk and having a horrible blind date. Not a recommended way to spend one's time. But, hey, at least I got a story out of it, right?

Monday, September 11, 2006

My Back-Up

I lost my back-up. You know, my "We'll get married if we're both single when we're 40" guy. It's just one of those fun things to do after years of being friends and sharing with each other our own unrequited love problems. So it happened, one night, probably after some drinking, we decided to be each other's backups "just in case." I was a little offended when I suggested age 40 and he said 50, though, but it's okay since 40 is the new 30, right?

There was never anything more between us, but now our friendship has taken a different course and I've barely talked to him in the past year. So, I think it's time for a new backup. Not like it's a bad thing to not be married in twenty or thirty years, but I always think of my aunt who wasn't married and wanted a baby. She went to her backup and got knocked up and now has a gorgeous little girl, the light of her life. What if I'm 40 and want a child? A back up could come in handy, right? What if I'm 50 and really hankering for some lovin'? (ha!)

Do you have a backup? I'm mulling over my ideas of who should be mine and this time, I hope he's more excited to get to age 40 than the previous title holder was!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

With The Lights Off

I was at a party once a few years ago, hanging out with some girl friends, when the conversation turned to sex. One of the girls was kinda drunk and talking about her boyfriend. At one point, she got up and pretended to, well, pull her butt-cheeks apart and said, "If you can't walk around in front of a guy like this, then you shouldn't be having sex with him!" (Note: she was clothed, but nakedness was implied.)

Ok, first of all, I like the idea of this statement. I think a lot of people do sleep with someone just because they think they're supposed to (especially in high school and college.) At a time when so many women (and men) are unsure of themselves, so many just throw off their clothes and start bumping uglies. Even past then, it's the "Lights Off" problem of wanting to have sex with someone, but not wanting them to see you naked. That's not good. You should feel comfortable enough with someone to be seen in your birthday suit, however different it is than you want it to be.

Second of all, OH MY GOSH, I totally disagree with her statement. I'm kind of old school of not even wanting a boyfriend to see (or hear) me use the restroom* so there is no way in hell I'm going to walk around as my friend had simulated. I think there is a definite middle ground between my first and second points. Maybe it's because I really don't want to see some guy go all Jim Carrey with his own ass-crack...


*I won't even say "pee"!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Proof of life

The following IM conversation between NotCharlotte and I proves that I will scope a man pretty much anywhere:

notmiranda: Now at emergency room..sigh.
Notcharlotte: what happened?!?!
notmiranda: People look their worst at hospitals.
notmiranda: I hate the place.
notmiranda: Not sure how I ever thought I'd be a doctor.
Notcharlotte: oh i know... i think it's the lighting
notmiranda: How depressing.
notmiranda: Of course, cute doc just poked head out.
notmiranda: Maybe I should hang out here more often...for the men ;)
Notcharlotte: oh jeez
notmiranda: Think guy who keeps coming out is nurse. Boo.
Notcharlotte: awww
Notcharlotte: men nurses can be cute
notmiranda: Woman is scratching inside her pants.
notmiranda: I need a picture.
Notcharlotte: hahahah ewwww
Notcharlotte: yes you do!
notmiranda: Def ewwwwwwww.
notmiranda: She stopped.
notmiranda: Thankfully.
Notcharlotte: hahah good
notmiranda: Her man is kind of cute though.
notmiranda: I have to be the only person stalking men in the emergencyroom.
Notcharlotte: hahah well why not?
notmiranda: Seriously...a girl has to keep her eyes peeled.
Notcharlotte: very very true
Notcharlotte: you never know...
notmiranda: True. :)
notmiranda: Cop just made eyes at me. Wtf.
Notcharlotte: oh yeah??
Notcharlotte: is he hot?
notmiranda: Not really. I mean he was ok. Weird. He was with a friend going in.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Head Over Feet

I had quite a bit of time to think while at work this morning. I guess that's one perk of doing menial cash register tasks for 8 straight hours. I started thinking about my exes and the commonalities they all had.
And it dawned on me. They all had an insatiable obsession with my feet.
Every time I wore sandals or dared walk on their carpet sans socks, their eyes darted right down to my well-manicured toes. I never thought much of it, but did get a bit worried when tickle fights ended with me kicking one of my ex-men furiously because he couldn't get his paws off my pale pink arches.

What is so appealing about feet? We're on them all day. They touch everything on the floor that our tongues would not dare taste. My second toes are obscenely longer than my big toes! Okay, that might be tmi, but seriously, feet? Out of all the fetishes in the world, I have to be attracted to the ones with foot obsessions.

What is YOUR fetish? Or fetishes. If enough of you volunteer your answers, I will gladly give you mine. It's good, too.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Just Me, A Deserted Island, And Five Hot Guys

Top Five Celebrities To Be Stuck On A Deserted Island With....GO!

1. Brad Pitt
2. Clive Owen
3. Justin Timberlake (sing to me, baby!)
4. Michael Vartan (speak to me in French, mmmmhmmmmm!)
5. Patrick Dempsey


Ben Affleck (Don't want to break up him and Jennifer Garner)
Jared Leto (he's getting farther and farther away from Jordan Catalano, though.)
Leonardo DiCaprio (I have a feeling he'd be opposed to acting out Romeo and Juliet with me and stopping before all the deaths.)

And your top 5??