Saturday, December 31, 2005

Sitting the dance out...

I was running around today, doing my typical, dash until you pass out from exertion errands and I was thinking about tomorrow night and all the goings on and the well wishes from everyone and the start of a new year with the Nots, and then I decided that I didn't want to.

I think I'm going to sit this New Year's Eve out.

For the past few years (since I've relocated really), I've felt the need to go out and revel with the rest of the adult world. And I promised myself that I wouldn't stay in an have another pity party. But after this year of all the shoulda coulda woulda's that have taken place, I've decided that I should have taken more time for me, I could have taken more time for me if I had just stopped for a minuite, and I would have taken more time for me if I had actually had this time.

So in the tune of doing something for me, tomorrow night as the clock ticks down to midnight, I will be popping the cork on some really nice bubble bath and pouring it liberally and lighting several candles and calling 2005 done.

Friday, December 30, 2005

When Were You Ever Under?

Just decided I'm over it.

Who, me? Rash decision?

But really...for now, over it. My head is about to explode from the tension of this morning and I don't want for my head to explode. It's easier to be over it.

K, there ya go!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

New Years Hero Regales (Or Hopes To)

Larissa got me thinking about New Years again and since this year's is completely up in the air I was forced to go down memory lane again. And now that I'm feeling the pressure of being someone's New Year's Hero (yay!) I feel the need to regale you all with more stories.

First of all, the night of my amazing kiss with an absolute stranger (who also happened to be hot and yes, a great kisser) is a night that will either sound too good to be true or will cause you to think that I'm a total slut. Here goes nothing:

My first kiss of the night was with NotIrish, someone I had only met either that night or the weekend before. He was tall and had a tongue ring and in the middle of a conversation with me and NotSusan he said, "Let's show her how it's done" and kissed me. It was a little crazy but he had a tongue ring and said I was a good kisser. It was also in the middle of the bar for all to see.

My second kiss of the night was with NotDreds, a good friend from college and someone who I can always count on to give me some of my own flirting medicine. He dishes it out and we both usually end the night having gotten very close but not too close. That night however we definitely locked lips in celebration of the new year and it was surprisingly hot.

The third kiss is the legendary one and makes for the best story. I was walking down the street enjoying the confetti when I passed this random guy. I turned around to get a better look and he surprisingly did the same. We made our way back to each other and he said, "I haven't gotten my New Year's kiss" and we kissed. Who was this guy!? To this day I still wonder who he was and if I will ever cross paths with him again. Holy hell though it was amazing and a highly recommended way to start a year.

Number four for my New Years night is a special one and a moment I had wished for for years. NotTownie was a friend of a friend who eventually became my friend as well. He is also quite possibly the sexiest person I know and someone who manages to get me to reveal my more um, risque side. That night I was drinking and as a result made it quite clear that I wanted to kiss him (not that it was ever really a secret.) We made a "date" for 1am but I was convinced he would leave before the time came. But 1am came and we headed out to the balconey of the bar where we shared the best few moments in the history of kissing. I even laughed because the moment seemed so surreal but quickly regained my composure so the kiss wouldn't stop. I just talked to him tonight and told him that every year I wish for another kiss like that.

Number five was interesting, to say the least...and probably my "bad decision" part of the night. NotSusan drove me, NotTownie, and 3 of his friends to my car and then I drove me and NotMarine back to where they were staying. Well, that was the plan at least. NotMarine guided me to his house which parted us from the other car and when I parked he took the keys out of the ignition and said I had to come inside to get them. Not being stupid, I refused but then realized I had to use the restroom and it was his parent's house so how much trouble could I get into? We ended up making out in his living room (hey, he was hott, too) but I cut the night short when he started asking me to have sex with him-what, with his parents in the same house? no thank you. I think he told people we banged though because to this day NotTownie still asks me if we did, ha. I don't regret him being five though-I saw him this past summer and my friend said, "WHO is that? He is so hott" and it was nice to remember making out in the early morning hours of January 1, 2004.

Anyway, that's my best New Years night and one I can only wish to repeat in grandour. You can see how I am getting a little apprehensive about this Saturday night and my fear of coming home disappointed...

Sunshine on my Shoulders

My feet hurt. I'm not used to working a retail job. I'm also not used to having no freetime whatsoever.
I have two jobs and once school starts, goodbye social life. There are so many things i need to save up for, not to mention i need to get my gpa up if i want my pwd (plan for world domination) to follow through.
Is it sad to think that all of this would be easier if i had a man in my life? A second half that could come over and keep me company while i write my 10 page papers on updike's sexual frustration/incest. or that would bring me lunch at my retail job even if it means i can only spend 30 minutes with him?
The search has got me tired. I have no time to look for a man, much less knock one out and drag them into my lair...

Such is the life of me.

I do it my way

A few years ago I worked with NotPrincess. NotPrincess was definitely a diva wannabe but fell prey to the perils of social status as a newly arrived Washingtonian on the bottom of the DC food chain. When I came across NotPrincess, she had just left the Hill as a staff assistant for Kerry (Nebraska). Because of how little she made on the Hill, NotPrincess had developed this theory of dating that she called the theory of trois. She believed (and practiced) that, in order to keep herself fed and with enough drink to remain happy, she needed to be constantly dating at least three men. One of the three could be semi-serious and may get the goodies; however, the other two were to be led on for the sole purpose of free meals and drinks. The problem is that I am not NotPrincess, nor do I want to be. I would have a hard enough time working one man into my life, much less bouncing between three like a pinball. Of course, I do realize that the rules of changed. Dating and courting are evolving into what sometimes seems like one big mindfuck. This is why I have taken matters into my own hands and purchased the Guide to Procedural Dating. Less guide and more kit, this piece of marketing genius includes everything a Not girl needs to make dating more uniform in this century. It includes everything from attraction notification cards to a sexual intimacy agreement to an exclusivity contract (and more). Personally, I'm psyched to try this out. What better way to catch a man's attention than with an attraction notification card?!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Ten Commandments of Me...

I've been considering making myself over lately, and with the new year coming in and the new year being all about well, doing things anew, I figured this would be the best venue to show others how I will be improving upon perfection (*snort*) yet again this year.

1) Thou shalt always find something good about thyself.

2) Thou shalt not deny thyself the best things in life.

3) Thou shalt not be made a fool of by anyone.

4) Thou shalt speak up for thyself.

5) Thou shalt know who thy friends are.

6) Thou shalt always have a good head on thy shoulders.

7) Thou shalt always see the advice from the fellow Nots.

8) Thou shalt always be a steadfast and true Not.

9) Thou shalt not let the little things in life get thee down.

10) Thou shalt live everyday to its fullest.

And with this I prepare for the new year.

Monday, December 26, 2005

"But I thought the old lady dropped it into the ocean in the end"

I'm about to watch my brand new Special Edition Titanic DVD so while I don't have much to blog about now, I am sure to be inspired after the movie. Good thing it's just a Monday night before the new week and it's okay to be vegging and watching movies!

Okay, on to my date with Leo.

Saturday, December 24, 2005


NotJay royally pissed me off. On Christmas Eve, no less. I sent him an im to wish him a merry christmas and then all of a sudden he asked if i was dead set on his place for new years.


so after a VERY short conversation he basically tells me that his "real new years crew" is getting together in Philly so he has to cancel the party.

That bastard.

So now NotMiranda and I are plotting a way for us to meet men and get fantastic New Years kisses. Are the other Nots up for this?


MERRY CHRISTMAS all of you lovely people that read this blog. I think i speak for all the Nots when i say we really appreciate your reading/commenting on our life stories.

And to the Nots, I really appreciate your friendship. I don't think i've gotten this close with girls without hanging out with them constantly. It's the best of both worlds!, you all gave me fantastic christmas presents ;-)

Is Love Ever Enough...?

There is a reason I don't have a steady relationship and after listing to my friend NotStreetcarDesire I know why.

She's what I would call, Little Miss "I've had my shit together since I was an embryo", she's an up front go getter of a person and while she can be abrasive at times, she's one of my best friends. And I love her like a sister. Though at times I also want to strangle her like a sister. However, recently, as in the past few years she's been in a relationship with NotYoungEnough, who is mentally mature for her (sometimes almost too mature), but almost so set in his ways that he can't see doing anything different.

She's been living overseas and doing the whole live in girlfriend thing, but its in a country where she doesn't speak the language and long term doesn't plan to be there to need it so she doesn't see the point in learning it as NotYoungEnough constantly suggests.

Among other things she's persuing her writing career, but last night she starts talking about how unhappy she is living overseas and how NotYoungEnough isn't ready to think about moving to the States because of a business deal that he's been involved in for the past few years and its just starting to look like its going to pay out. To which I ask her what she wants...and she's not sure, but overall she poses the question: Is Love Ever Enough...? Now, at risk of sounding so unlike myself, I have to realize that I do believe that love is enough. But what happens if situations like NotStreetcarDesire's occur in which you love someone, but the circumstances around it aren't right. Do you give up and do what's best for you? Do you hope that in the end things are going to turn out right and "love conquers all"? She looked to me for answers to this. Me, the last person I think has the right to tell anyone how to live their life. Especially considering the stuff I get into.

Half the time I feel like I'm spinning down a slippery slope into nothing.

But enough about me.

This thing called love; a four letter word that means everything and nothing at all to people. It seems like more and more people are trying to figure it out. To me I see it more like the lottery. The chances of winning at it are a little better, but if you don't open yourself up to it then you can't win at it. In the same breath I'm also going to say, that if you open yourself up to the good parts about it you also have to deal with the bad parts about it. The heartbreak part.

So, I've been posed with the question, is love ever enough..and the only answer I have right now is, I don't know, but I would hope it is.

And Still it Sits in Front of You

I have a thing for one of the guys at my retail job. Actually, there are quite a few "hotties" that work there alongside me, however this one is different. He reminds me of one of my best friends from high school so I shall call him NotMatt.

I don't know if it's so much of a "thing" as a "friend crush." He's pretty cute though. And we took our lunch break together and talked about video games, our stupid jobs, and crazy coworkers. He actually asked me questions and honestly looked like he cared about my answers. Which is refreshing because most of the guy friends I have right now are pretty self-centered (*AHEM*NotHusband and NotGay)

Just felt the need to share that.

In other news, I have another date next week. With NotSoccer. Should be interesting, considering he only talks to me/asks me out when he wants something. Thing is, he tempted me with a free ticket to "Chronicles of Narnia" so i couldn't say no. I know, I'm a sucker for men buying me things, but sometimes it doesn't hurt!

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Customer Is Always Hott

Last night at my part time retail job I realized that, when busy I was starting to scope out for the hott guy customer. This made me laugh since I'm supposed to help people in the order they come and also, because it's not like helping some hott guy is going to result in a tryst back in the art section (best hiding spot in my opinion.) There did seem to be a higher percentage of hott men out shopping last night though. I guess they are all procrastinators....which is okay with me. Hott is hott.

Does that ever happen though? Some random makeout somewhere? The most random kissing moment I have ever had was New Years 2003 when I passed a hott guy in the street and turned around to get a better look. Much to my surprise he was doing the same thing and we gravitated back to each other and he said, "I haven't gotten my New Years kiss yet." (*swoon*) And then we kissed. Holy crap it was amazing! But that was New Years when kissing is expected. I think my random work makeout daydream is going to continue to be just my head.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Mystery Ring

I was proposed to last night.

Crazy, right? To me, too....maybe because it didn't really happen! The story is now my favorite to tell at the moment so of course I shall share it with you all...

Last night, NotMiranda, NotJason and I exchanged gifts. We opened them one at a time and to make a long story short, I needed scissors to open one of mine from NotJason. So, since I had the scissors in hand I decided to also cut free the $6 ring I had purchased from Kohls earlier in the evening (silver with a rather large, fake-colored stone, cheesy, but cute.) So I cut the ring free, it falls and as I pick it up and put it on my left hand ring finger (without even thinking) I get very excited for both it, and the gift from NotJason.

NJ: Was that ring in there?!!!!!??!

NotCarrie: Huh? what? OH! No, I bought this earlier.

NJ: *look of complete and utter fear, white as a ghost* OH, Because I thought it was in with that we had been talking about rings*....I don't do rings.

*My sister's boyfriend gave her a ring and I told NotJason this earlier in the day.

Now, I find this interesting because:

1. How would a ring magically get in with a stocking stuffer type gift?
2. He and I are Just Friends...wouldn't it be very odd for me to FIND a ring and assume it is from him?
3. Again, Just Friends... it just struck me as so odd-his reaction. Not that it was negative (hellooo, Just Friends) but that his mind even went there. I'm not even one of those crazy type girls running around just looking to get engaged. Weird.


Wednesday, December 21, 2005

All Work And No Play

It's easy to deduce why progress with current boys takes so long and why I don't meet as many people as I used to: I work a lot. I work on average 60+ hours a week (between two jobs)which is not a crazy amount but with commuting time added in, it really cuts back on free time. Going out during the week rarely occurrs since I'm usually too tired or need my vegging out time and also because most of my friends work a lot, too.

Fridays are usually dedicated to doing something fun, though and I love love love my Fridays! The trend has emerged of spending my Fridays with NotMiranda and NotJason and we definitely have our share of fun.

Saturday nights are iffy as I usually have an early shift the next morning. A late night is out of the question which is what NotSusan usually does and then my Friday night cohorts are often working the closing shift on Saturday nights.

So really, I am condensing my entire social life into one night. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend;) When am I supposed to meet him? When are we supposed to bond and realize our mutual feelings for each other? I guess the next question would be, When, if I had a guy, do I expect to spend time with him? I'm still not going to work less or be able to stay out until all hours of the night before working. I've thought about this though and when I'm sprawled across my bed watching One Tree Hill from Netflix it's very easy to imagine some guy next to me, complaining that the show sucks. See, in my mind, a great boyfriend is also a great companion. Someone to spend time with...someone I enjoy spending time with...someone who makes doing something casual that much better just because he is there.

So I know what I want and what I will be happy with but there is still the problem of WHERE and HOW and WHEN this can happen? I enjoy watching TV while laying on my bed but I'm certainly not going to meet my future TV watching makeout buddy while there! (Unless he breaks in and I'm probably NOT going to want to date someone in prison.)

Monday, December 19, 2005

My Slumbering Heart

So i made it through yet another semester at NotHarvard. Goddamn i'm glad it's over. I'm off for an entire month and I couldn't be happier.

And what did i do to celebrate this wonderful occasion? On friday i got drunk with the Nots (and the honorary Not), and then on saturday i had a weird ass date.

I was supposed to meet up with this guy that i had talked to on myspace. Several things occured that stopped me from doing this, including a threat of a security check, 5 hours of shopping at the most hellious mall ever, and a slightly upset stomach.
So instead, I went out with NotGay.
But i'm not sure if it was a DATE. We initially met to go see "Brokeback Mountain." In dupont circle. For those of you who do not frequent DC on a regular basis, Dupont Circle is considered the gay district. So there i was, going to the gay district to see a gay movie with a man who people consider gay. I sure know how to stack the odds against me, eh?

So i get there and apparently it's sold out. So he decides we should go play pool. 2 hours and a few drinks later, i am still trying to decide if it's a date or not. he pays for everything. we have quasi-good conversation. he turns his new years party over to me so i can invite tons of people. i learn a shitload about his crappy home life. i move to leave and he hugs and kisses me.

This wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that he's so damn effeminant!! He's almost as bad as NotHusband, but we already know that story.
I need a manly man. I want rough and tumble, scruffy, muscular, BOLD men. Fawning over me. Right now. Or at least by the end of holiday break.

Any takers? ;-)

Memoirs of modern day geishas

I went to see Memoirs of a Geisha yesterday. The beautiful shots of what I can only assume really was Japan took my breath away. The geisha were also stunning with their practiced beauty. I entered the theater confused about what a geisha really was, wondering if they were really prostitutes. While I make no claims about being an expert on geishas now, I imagine myself enlightened. These women were truly masters in the art of seduction. Sex was sometimes part of the equation (bid wars over virginity were truly a trip), but it wasn't really the point. With the subtly of an exposed wrist or the lifting of shy eyes, fantasies are fulfilled and battles won.

I left the theater wanting to flirt, to snare a man with simply a look. It also hit me that some of us could be considered modern day geishas. The secrets for snaring men are the same. These 'Not' girls here are experts at giving great eyes (I'm fond of calling it eye sex). Now while some may still put the goodies out for bid, we all don't choose that route. Regardless, we are all about practicing those time-honored skills of seduction.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

The Friend Crush Returns!

I have a new Friend Crush!

I am not sure how long the list is but I must be honest that two of them could possibly also be on the list of "People I Want To Bang* At My Second Job." And for clarity's sake, the PIWTB*AMSJ list is now up to three. But the PIWTB*AMSJ could be further explained, and clarified, with a Venn Diagram..perhaps at work tomorrow I will create and upload said Venn diagram, but for now I will just explain it:

Circle 1 (PIWTB*AMSJ) has three names and overlaps with Circle 2 (PIWTB*NOAMSJBAOARB**) which has one name. The name in Circle 2 (PIWTB*NOAMSJBAOARB) is also in Circle 1 (PIWTB*AMSJ). Confused?

I think it's fun! Oh, and I guess I should explain that not all Friend Crushes are in the PIWTB*AMSJ circle.

*Bang probably equals just making out but I'm trying to sound more badass than I really am.
**People I Want To Bang* Not Only At My Second Job But Also On A Regular Basis.)

Friday, December 16, 2005

Engagement Celebration!

The Not girls are going out for the evening to help a good friend celebrate her engagement. I can't divulge too many details on the evening, though because NotMiranda and I have planned this night and we have a few surprises up our sleeves. However, it is sure to be a fun and exciting time and hopefully all four of us come back with something to write about-if you know what I mean!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Kick Him Where It Hurts

When I was in 5th grade I had a crush on one of the neighborhood kids, NotNathaniel, but I was so shy and worried of rejection that I never did anything about it. Sure, it was 5th grade so what all could I have done, but it caused me to miss out a little on that elementary school Boyfriend/Girlfriendness. I tried though, in my little way, to let him know that I did indeed like him back:

I kicked him in the shins while we waited at the bus stop.

I know, it's ridiculous! We would stand there, waiting for the cheesewagon and I would just kick him, over and over in the shins and he would stand there and take it like a "man." Nothing ever came of my weird way of flirting but I think it was because he and his family moved before 6th grade. I kind of missed him for quite awhile and always felt like he would have been my Neighborhood Love had we grown up in the same area. We would have inevitably dated or hooked up or something, I just know it.

But I digress a little because the reason I started writing about kicking the guy I liked is because I'm starting to wonder if I should bring back my elementary way of flirting. I feel like I need to kick some sense into some guys (ok, one or two in particular) and get them to realize that I'm in like with them.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I work hard so I'll "Play" hard

I love comic books.

They give insight into the workings of the mind that most of the time people don't want to admit to. However, I make it a policy of being as honest with myself as possible. So, with that in mind, I'm instituting a new NOT policy. If you work like a dog *key "She works hard for her money" music*, then you get to play just as hard.

Lately, I've been killing myself with work, so this weekend I'm going to venture into the realm of a Play party...and its all the more attractive because I can bring a covered its a Potluck Play toys and tupperware...dildos and pyrex....*smirk*

So on Saturday night as you sit down to your meatloaf...just know that I'll be sitting down to mine as well. I just hope it will all fit! blushing at my's not allowed.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Back To The Future

It was the winter after I had graduated from college and moved to the city. I had no job and a lot of spare time on my hands and looking back, I would probably call it my "Blue Period." It was also year 3 or so of knowing NotRoger, who by some weird coincidence was living in the same city as I was.

We had not talked for awhile when I saw his name start to pop up on AIM every once and awhile. Partly because I was bored and partly because he was still a conquest I had still not conquered, I got back in contact with him. From the beginning though I told him nothing was going to happen. I was worried that if I went to his apartment he was going to think it was some booty call. And I don't do booty calls. But I didn't really meant for NOTHING to happen so the first time I went over to his place I was very disappointed that he had not tried to kiss me!

I can't remember if I told him I had been disappointed or not but regardless of that, the next time I went over there was much better. We watched Back to the Future with him on one side of the couch and me on the other like we were in middle school and our parents were upstairs. But then, right when the lightening struck the clock he leaned over and kissed me.

I really appreciated him making that first move and was impressed he had the balls to do it. Later, when I told my friend about the night she said, "Awww, Back to the Future, that is SO romantic!"

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Variations on a Theme

I have realized that men need to have the following qualities in order for me to be interested in him:
1. They have to be as smart, or a bit smarter, than me.
2. They have to love art/music and be either artistic/musically inclined.
3. They must be willing to try new things.
4. They can't be too picky.
5. They have to have enough self-confidence in themself, but not too much.
6. sense of humor that is beyond fart jokes and slapstick
7. The ability to carry a complete conversation without making weird voices or not taking anything seriously.

I have also realized that NotHusband has none of these qualities. More on this later, I need sleep more than I need to think about this.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

When Were You Ever Under Me?

I thought I was getting over it. "It" being him but since all it has been is a crush I feel weird talking about it like people are going to start describing me as melodramatic. But last night on my drive home after a great evening with NotMiranda and NotJason I couldn't help but think about it all. I had such a nice time last night, decorating a Christmas tree and looking at pictures from before. It was the type of evening I would describe as "warm and fuzzy" if I even used phrases like, "warm and fuzzy," (I don't.)
My first thought was about my crushes and how when I get a crush, it's a Crush. I don't just get over them, I get attached and it usually only is resolved by us getting together or us drifting apart and not even talking that much anymore. I guess it goes along with part of my personality of not quitting things. Even if I'm barely holding on, I won't quit. It's why I double majored in college, it's why I still have a part time job along with m full time one, it's why I still email people I have seen in years because I won't give up on knowing them.
My second line of thinking was about how people actually get together and how is it possible for two people who won't make the first move to reach the next step. All the people in the world can say, "Just do it" but it's not that easy. I can make the first move when it doesn't matter. When I'm in a bar and just want to makeout or if it's with a friend who I know is in my life for a reason other than to be in my circle always. (NotRoger?)

I didn't really resolve anything last night while driving home and thinking things over except I do know now that I really, really want a Soundtrack To Me. I want it to play at the right times because you know how when you're watching some TV show or Movie and the song really adds to the moment and you "get it?" Maybe the right song at the right time would really help things...haha!

Oh and then last night I had the hand-holding dream again. I am such a dork, who has dreams about holding hands? Shouldn't I be having sex dreams or something? ;)

Friday, December 09, 2005

Cherry Stems

My friend, NotRebecca, just reminded me of this awful night in college. Actually, it was a fun night in college but maybe 'too' fun, if you know what I mean! So a group of us went to a neighborhood restaurant/bar for drinks-it was me, NotRebecca, NotSusan and *shudder* NotSteelyDan (don't ask). I don't think I've written about NotSteelyDan before but here he is in 50 words or less:

Tall, skinny, OCD, likes metal, platonic crush on MY college crush, moody, clingy, weird shoes, long hair, too-short pants, moves his balls around a lot (ha), dropped out of college because "everyone was against him," has had too many jobs to count...

When I describe him or think about him I have to also try to analyze why we were friends in the first place. As horrible as it is, I think we were friends for two reasons:

1. He was friends with the guy I had a gigantic crush on and
2. He had a crush on me at various times during our friendship

I could go on for hours analyzing him, analyzing our friendship, and telling stories from when we used to hang out. But the reason I started this blog was because NotRebecca reminded me of the Cherry Stem Tying Contest. It was my idea of course because one of my inate talents is that I can tie a cherry stem into a knot in my mouth. I'll hold for applause...

Anyway, so we are at this bar and drinking HORRIBLY mixed drinks when I start the contest and, of course, win. Then I have the bright idea to PASS THE CHERRY STEM TO NOTSTEELYDAN. (Even typing it out now makes my stomach churn.) I don't know why I decided that would be a good idea...maybe I just wanted to kiss someone, or maybe I was just being a tease (another blog, another day), or maybe I was doing it for shock value. Probably a combination of all three but I have to make a point of saying that I was never, ever, ever, attracted to NotSteelyDan. Ever. It's like he was who I practiced and honed my flirting technique with. I had nothing to lose with being crude or risque or saying flirty things to him. I never wanted to follow through though. Ever. (Can I stress that enough? haha!)

I'll write more on him later. Like I said, there's a lot to analyze. He's a crazy mofo.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Just Put Your Lips Together...

Like NotCharlotte, I have also begun to worry about my New Year's Eve plans. The past few years I have had AMAZING NYE celebrations. Last year was when I was sort of dating NotRoger so after my normal partying at my favorite bar and of course kissing NotDreds at midnight, I headed down the road to NotRoger's place. Let's just say I was there for awhile.
The year before that I went to my same favorite bar and kissed NotDreds at midnight and had a great time drinking and having a good time with my good friend NotSusan.
The year before that was my NYE to be proud of...the year I kissed 5 people and I'm not just talking pecks on the cheek or even innocent kisses on the mouth. I kissed hot strangers, hot friends, and even had an invitation to continue the evening from one (I declined.)

But this year has me stressing. I was even thinking about it on my drive into work this morning. Who thinks about their plans three weeks away at 730am? I DO! Because I am thinking about this to the point that I almost just want to stay home to avoid the stress and expectations of that night. If I go to my favorite bar then I can probably kiss NotDreds again but I'm not even sure of the situation of going there with NotSusan. If I hang around closer to my usual stomping grounds then I'm fairly certain I will go home disappointed and without a kiss. I like to be spontaneous but I also like for certain things to go a certain way and me getting kissed on January 1st is essential.

But what about this...My January 1st kiss can happen AFTER I've celebrated and slept and begun my day, right? I wonder if I could work up the nerve to kiss NotJason on the cheek later that day...This way I can go with the flow for the evening and see what plans transpire from now until then but I won't need to stress about being in the right place at the right time. Then I can find someone either that night or even later that day and give them a kiss. And a kiss on the cheek counts, too, right? It does...I say it does.

Oh phew...I feel a little better.

But inside I'm screaming....

We all have them. One of those days when its almost too much. *deep cleansing breath*
I try not to let my inner me out too much because, well, because its not pretty. I can be a moody bitch when I want to and tonight was one of the nights that I was unfit for human consumption. Basically, I wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible. Which I managed to do, except for my nagging conscious plaguing me.

See, I went about the responsible route with my new BDSM venture and got all my womanly testing done, which includes the usual run of STD while I await the results I began to think about the last time I had such testing done...10 years ago. Then I started to think...had it really been that long since I had seriously been ready to get down to the nitty gritty.

Personally, I think after 10 years I'm due for a little something something.

But I digress. (you guys are used to this by now or you should be)

I started laying out my sexual history and what encounters I had had over the past few years. What the possible risks of entering into something wholely new to me could be. Pregnancy for one, STDs for another. Surprisingly, the former worries me more than the latter...seeing as me and kids don't mix, well neither do me and STDs, but a good condom and I'm set, but those can't protect from breaking if you're a little overenthusiastic or if the guy comes with accessories below the for this I go with option number 2...the IUD...something that will prevent the pitter patter for a good 10 more years...

Then I started to freak when I realize I needed to add one more test to the cache I had done last week...pregnancy...well crap! Off the the OBGYN I go tomorrow at lunch, besides my test results should be back by then.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Alternative to Love

Operation: Get Kissed on New Years Day has now commenced.

The first step in this mission was "get invited someplace."
Which today, occurred for me.
NotGay is having a kick-ass party in his newly moved in house on Capitol Hill.
This will be the first new years that i have spent in the city. Last year i went to a party held by an old coworker. the year before that i had a party that ended in relentless x-box playing. the year before that was spent in a hotel watching a marathon of Sex and the City episodes.
Now, i had fun at all of those events, but no kissing ensued, either due to lack of boys, lack of alcohol, or lack of courage.

Not this time.

The thing that runs in my mind is the statement that "if you don't kiss anyone at midnight, you'll be single all of next year."
Even though that's not true, i mean i had a couple of relationships in this past year and you know my new years history, i still am making myself believe it so.

This year has been different for me, so why not end it differently?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Don't put your key in a bowl!

What an interesting weekend, and oddly enough much of it was spent outside the company of the Not girls. Friday night I stepped outside my comfort zone. A friend from work, NotHilarious, invited a few people over to her Capital Hill abode for Burrito Night. As I eyed the guest list pre-party, I came to the realization that I was the only single (i.e., nonmarried) girl going to a party where emergency contacts were encouraged to attend. Unlike NotCarrie, I fretted about going to a party alone and being surrounded by couples. Come on...have you seen Bridget Jones' Diary?! They rip her to shreds. Luckily, common sense and my love of new experiences got the better of me, and I decided to give it a go anyway (besides...Bridget did end up stealing Mark Darcy).

Outcome: The experience was not quite what I expected. Pockets of uncomfortableness mixed with their own fascination with themselves gave me the opportunity to truly observe them like a foreign species. I found they weren't perfect and could tell that couplehood wasn't always easy. I watched a friend's lack of confidence hover below the surface at her husband's absence. I could see a husband needle his wife about her flaws and see her eyes alight with that "your ass is so going to get kicked" look. I could see that marriage didn't end all of their problems. Were they happy? Yes, but it wasn't easy. Do I want what they have? Definitely, but I'm ok with waiting for my timing to be right.

I did take away one piece of advice from the party. When the couples start getting all touchy and bust out the back rubs, it's time to go. When someone mentions the next party should be a pillows and panties party, you know you should have left five minutes ago.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Unorthodox Date

I had such a great date tonight for my work's Holiday Party...

My sister!

Okay, wasn't a date but we did have an awesome evening. I originally had invited NotJason but he had other plans and the other male backups aren't in the area so I asked my sister to go. She at first was going as a favor to me but once she learned that it was $70 a plate and my company was picking up the tab she was excited to be my "date."

I had such a great time though because I was totally at ease the whole night. We ate everything and could ask each other for the "all clear" regarding food in our teeth without being embarassed. We were able to talk about people without them knowing because we can practically read each other's minds and speak with minimal words. It was an enjoyable night because we have a million ways to amuse ourselves and make each other laugh.

I'm so glad I took my unorthodox date tonight. As I've been writing this, I have been going over a couple of different ways to conclude:

I wish I had a boyfriend with whom I can have enjoyable evenings like this all the time.

Why do myself and other women try to come off as someone they aren't in order to attract a male (i.e. eating every appetizer three-fold, asking to do the teeth check, etc.)?

Should I close with humor and the fact that my sister wants me to get married to NotJason even though we are strictly friends? This amused me, at least. I thought her little idea was funny.

I think, instead, that I am going to reaffirm my confidence in NOT having a boyfriend and that being okay. I've never been one to wallow in my singleness and if anything I have looked at it as a positive. Of course I want to be in a relationship full of love and kisses and shared memories and inside jokes but I am also able to look at the opposite in a "glass half-full" way. I do what I want, when I want and I have great friends and family to take along for the ride. I'm not out there looking for someone to 'complete' me. I am already ME. I'm out there looking for the person who can appreciate and enjoy me to the fullest and vice versa. Until (and if) I find him, I hope to have more nights like tonight where I am reminded that there is more to life than just finding a man.

Thanks lil' sis!

Friday, December 02, 2005

I'll be...

Last night, on my drive home, I was listening to The Postal Service and "Brand New Colony" came on. Seeing as how 4:30pm is prime "I'm tired" time, the song really got to me and Ben Gibbard's lyrics were almost too much. Not too much that I didn't listen to the song over and over, my entire ride home, though. The following, is romance:

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will hear the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change, oOo oOo...