Thursday, March 31, 2005

Preface It WIth This

I'm preparing myself to do something I've never done before.

A leap of faith if you will.


I am going to tell a guy that I like him. (Ok ladies, can we get another term for this? I feel so middle school!)

I'm actually not as terrified as I thought I would be. This is most likely because he is that rare male who is nice and aware of people's feelings and wouldn't say something to make someone feel completely rejected (which is my fear, of course). I imagine the following to be the possibilites after I tell him (and by "tell him" I mean stumble over my words a lot, blush and not make enough eye contact):

1. He feels the same way and then we don't know what to do after that. An awkward hug?
2. He feels the same way but a) doesn't want to mess up being friends or b) doesn't have time for a "relationship"
3. He does not feel the same way, at all

However, despite the drastic differences between option 1 and 3, I do believe he will be flattered and will not run away screaming, "NO! HOW GROSS!" which is my glass-half-full thought coming out.

I'll let you know how it goes!

A spy's work is never done...

Interview #1: Complete.

NotJason (interview #1) proved to be a great interview. As always, he was open and forthcoming in his answers, endearing even. While I would love to post the details, I think I'll wait and post the entire article when it's done ; ) To-dos...This morning I need to email NotPrince to set up an interview time and will hopefully call NotElliot tonight (once NotCarrie gives him the heads up). At some point today, I should probably put everything in a flyer format for NotCharlotte to take to campus. In related news, I picked up some mags last night to do a little snooping into submitting articles. I think the girls have decided a girlie (women's interest, not porn) magazine is the best place to submit the article once it's complete.

Interesting asides...spy girls need bigger, cooler bags (can you say shopping trip). My current choice is about to give with all the tools of trade crammed inside. What lurks in this spy girl's bag? 2 cameras, tape recorder, cell phone, gum & mints, book (for those long undercover hours), notepad, etc.

Monday, March 28, 2005

There's nothing like the springtime to make you lonely. s
eeing all of those damn couples everywhere.
they're at the library at mason.
and concerts.
and standing in line at the grocery store.
you see them while waiting for your triple grande nonfat white mocha at starbucks.
even at the goddamn bar you went to on friday.
it sucks. and you want to do something about it but you don't want to rush into things because what good would that do? it would just be a spur of the moment thing with regrets and shy looks and ruined friendships.

i did a lot of thinking this weekend. besides giving up the internet (for the most part) and deciding to quit my job, i also realized that if it's going to happen with NotElliot, it will happen. i'm tired of waiting so i won't. it's like one step forward, two leaps back. progress is being made but only on fridays. it's kind of disappointing. especially with NotBigMouth in the mix. he took her home saturday night because she was too drunk to function. and hopefully do other things. is it wrong that i'm jealous?
is it wrong that i am hopeful in the fact that he answers the phone when i call instead of letting the voicemail get it and complains when she calls him? or winks at me after placating her when she left in a huff on saturday because he pissed her off?
there's something going on and i don't know if i want to know about it. i just don't want to be lied to.

At least i bonded with a guy over the weekend. NotPrince and i spent some quality time together all weekend. i miss having a good guy friend.

Before the grace of the Net go I..

I've been putting myself out there one the web via a website that a girlfriend NotJackie hooked me onto. Now, unlike my fellow compadres, I am the more *ahem* kinky of the four and this site is particularly geared to someone with my particular tastes...However, I've discovered in this have on kinky people that sometimes the truth is more that I want.

For example. I've placed my picture with my profile and in the two weeks that I have been associating with this site I've gotten, at the last count, 400 views. Of those views at least 50 have winked, of those that have winked around 35 have emailed my account on said website. So I'm doing good right, wrong! When I have specifications that are for 25 - 35 year old men, I do not need, nor want a 41 year old man, a 42 yearl old man, a 52 year old man and certainly not a 63 year old geezer popping in to say hello.

So delete is my friend and my filter is getting a workout.

Amongs the ever present lemons I have been presented with some very dateworthy, shagworthy and onenightstandworthy hits. Right now, I'm looking for dateworthy and what we've hit on so far are NotRoarke, NotStone & NotSmith.

NotStone so far is the only one I've talked to by phone and he's got this interesting mojo going on, being that he can keep the same insane hours I can and not complain.

NotRoarke is interesting in that he shares my kinks and would like to meet for great movie type datey thing.

NotSmith is brand new as in this weekend. He hit my email and loved my pic and caught my attention with his quick wit (what can I say I'm a sucker for written word).

So as of today, I'm in phone talks with NotStone, in email chatland with NotSmith and waiting for NotRoarke's schedule to calm down so that we can do pseudomovie type thing...

Bliss thy name is the internet and I love thee...

Drop it like it's hot

I don't think I had ever been to the quintessential "meet" market until Friday night. After work, I joined NotCharlotte and others for a couple of drinks at a place called O'Tooles. Little did I know that everyone in FFX Co. under the age of 35 goes there on a Friday night. It was like a smorgasborg of men looking for something to take home at the end of the evening. NotSamantha, if you're looking for a quick fling, here's the place to troll. There truly was someone for everyone. I had a lot of fun just hanging out with the gang and laughing at some of the craziness around me. I even pondered practicing some of my new flirting moves (if only I hadn't been so tired and grungy feeling from working all day). Despite all that, I was left wondering just what lengths we have to go to to "hook" a man. Grinding, jiggling, rubbing...is it really all necessary? Maybe in getting that one night stand heated up, but it's surely not relationship-building material. And even if one wanted to hop into bed with one of these men for a one night stand, isn't there a better way of getting his attention...more subtle? The desperation that seemed to cling to these women made me sad. *sigh*

Leading Lady

At what point is a woman leading the man on? (And for my own sanity, I'm taking this back to the "girl" "guy" level.) Instead of talking around this, I'm just going to put it all out there.
So NotRoger and I have a long history. And it's not just of the relationship kind. I've known him for 5 years and we've been friends for about 3 of those years (the rest of the time being when he was too immature or when we fell out of contact for awhile). In the beginning he was someone who I wanted to like me because he was a challange. My way of doing this was to "be in his presence" whenever possible which led to some very funny stories (a later, more comical blog perhaps) and to share the same interests (see NotMiranda's blog about weaving that web). I'm not sure how he felt about me back then and all I can use as evidence is the following:
1) When asked if I was his type, he said, "Yes and no, but more yes"
2) One time when he passed out while drunk, he fell asleep holding onto my leg
3) Whenever I was my usual "tease" self, he seemed very interested

Ok I know that is very weak evidence but remember what I said about him being immature for awhile.

Fast forward to a party at a friends house when I was living out of the area where we had met but was in town for that night. As everyone was leaving the party I used one of my patented moves/items: Lipgloss. I can't reveal any details of said "move" but things started moving in the direction I wanted. After the fact, I learned that while I was in the bathroom he told my friend he wasn't sure if I wanted to kiss him. She assured him I did (thank goodness), vacated the room and we proceeded to makeout...a lot.

Basically, after that night we hung out some more (we were then living in the same area) but things were sort of weird as I didn't know his intentions or even my own at the time so it never went past making out at his house after hanging out watching a movie or something.

Then he moved which began about 8 or so months of us not talking until one night when we talked online and he ended up finding me on some internet friend site or something and saying how pretty I was and that he wanted to hang out again.

I of course was suspicious and gave many excuses as to why I couldn't. In the back of my mind though, I knew I wanted to see him and was happy to have the opportunity at an upcoming party. Unfortunately, he had other plans (drinking) and was not coherant enough to understand when I whispered in his ear, "lets go outside." He was coherant a few days later when I told him I was sad he hadn't been into me that and to make this very long story a little shorter this takes us up to a few months ago when we escaped any chance we got at parties and I went to his house a few times.

Now, back to my original question: At what point is the girl leading the guy on?

I have so far not said anything to lead him on or make him believe this is all something more than it really is. However, I have also NOT said a lot. I don't tell him about going out on the weekends to find hot guys or about a certain one I'd really like to have something more with. When he starts to divulge actual feelings I tend to cut him off or change the subject before it's my turn. I've also given the excuse, "I don't talk about things like that."

I wish I knew the answer to my own question but I don't and while I have an amazing gift of being able to rationalize ANYTHING, I'm starting to feel bad about it. But should I?

Friday, March 25, 2005

Is devious plotting the way to go?

As a woman, do you ever feel like that spider (not the black widow) weaving an ever intricate web just to snag the right man? Whether it's searching for just the right combination of words to sound interested, but not too interested (just in case the feelings aren't returned, or getting a group of friends together just so you can see him, I feel like we (as a gender) spend a lot of time trying to get something the hard way. Is directness the better approach? And, if it is, why is it so hard? I've always been a fan of directness in theory, but reality has shown me that I'm just as much a sucker for setting a good snare as the next girl. There's a guy I really clicked with through work. However, instead of just telling him I'm interested, I'm sending cryptic emails and trying to find a way to see him again. Granted...the fact that we have a professional relationship complicates matters, but is that just my excuse for my cowardliness? I think sometimes I even like the "game" of plotting...getting ever more creative at finding a way for that "magical moment" to happen. Hell, I even aide and abet others. I'm an enabler (sorry NotCarrie), helping friends with their webs. Maybe a good, old-fashioned pro/con list would help sort this out. Is devious plotting the way to go (scroll down)?






ProCon
*limits the chance you'll get hurt*you may never have a clear answer
*can be fun*can be frustrating
*gives the guy an easy out*gives the guy an easy out


The sad thing is that I can't come up with anything else for the list...pro or con. If anyone has any suggestions for things to add,send them on.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Continued...

So I've been reading this book, Dateworthy, and recently finished a section on the baggage we bring in to relationships. I realize that when it comes to certain issues I bring the full-on trunk out of storage. I figure this is as good a place as any to continue my story (see F-ed up product of my upbringing).

We left off with the fact that I can't just hop into bed with a guy...even if I want to. The trunks I lug into each relationship (or even anything pre-relationship) are chock full of religion and hormones and body image. When stirred together you have a real mess on your hands.

Religion: I was raised to believe that you weren't supposed to have sex until you're married. The story never changed. To this day (as a 29-year old woman), my grandmother still wants to know whether or not I'm still waiting. I take my God seriously, so when the people you love and trust continually repeat what I believed to be the 2 golden rules never to break (don't have sex and don't drink) they kind of stick.

Hormones: I'm a scorpio. If you don't get my reference...read up. We're a fiery bunch who live for passion. The desires are there, but when checked against the latter issue, what do you get? I'll tell you what you get...alcohol. Ah yes, the 2nd golden rule you're not supposed to break growing up. I discovered that if I got drunk I got friendlier and flirtier. In fact, being a little tipsy enabled me to make that trip to the bedroom.

Here's the real kicker though...the alcohol doesn't work. After the one real, serious relationship of my life with NotSteve, I began to see this pattern developing. It truly began with NotGay. NotGay was a friend of my really gay roommate. They would hang out...smoke...and evidently have sex. Well, one evening I joined the 2 boys in their smoking, toking and drinking. One thing led to another and I was back in my bedroom with NotGay (who'd been with my gay roommate 2 days prior). I'm really hazy on this, but I'm pretty sure I stopped it before we sealed the deal. It's pretty sad that I'm banking on pretty sure b/c that could have/would have been my first time (NotSteve and I were waiting until we got married). Some first time to tell the kids about, eh? Next came NotBob. NotBob was a good friend and coworker. Things began to move in a different direction when he came to visit me in Nashville. When I got back, we went out for drinks, and several bars later we rolled into a cab and all over each other (that cabbie got his money's worth). Back at his place, it's a similar story. He's naked and on top and I fall asleep. Being the gentleman that he is, he doesn't proceed but does wonder what's wrong with me. We MO but that's about all she wrote for us. Fast forward a couple of years to NotSean. Poor NotSean...I set him up right from the start. I knew I was going to get drunk and invite him over...I even cleaned my room. We both get pretty wasted at this party, and on the ride home, I make it pretty clear that I want him to stay over. Things are getting pretty hot when he mentions he doesn't have a condom. He wants to run to the store real fast, but I guess this was my 3rd wakeup call. I explain this means we shouldn't do it, and he continues to beg. Anyway, you'll never guess what I tell him after a little while...the real reason I'm not all over him or won't let him go to the store is because of God...and I start to cry. (insert exasperation at myself) That was pretty much my last drunken episode because finally my pattern had become clear. I got drunk so I could fuck with a supposedly clear conscious, but even THAT didn't work.

So here I am...working through my issues...wanting to have a normal relationship again that doesn't begin with me having a couple of drinks. Yes, I want someone to MO with. Who knows, sex may even happen. But, really, I want the relationship first and not just the act.

I'm sorry if this is sharing a bit too much, but sometimes public admittance to a problem is the first step on the road to dealing with your issues. It's time for me to unpack.

Monday, March 21, 2005

So much to blog about so little time...

Friday night was fun...though I did get a little drunk and was the cause of us getting thrown out of said bar. Thank you thank you thank you, NotSamantha, for being sober and making sure we made minimal asses out of ourselves (at least I hope it was minimal). A couple of drunken revelations...

(1) Even when drunk I'm bad at mingling. NotKitty tried to give me pointers, but I was a lost cause. This is an earnest plea for help, chicas. I need lessons in how to meet a man 101.

(2) Got drunk enough to continually rub NotKing's head and sit really, really close to him. This is relevant because I don't like NotKing, and he can creep me out. He's growing on me---but not that much. He kept giving me weird eyes on Sat/Sun. Odd.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Flirt Ray Set to Stun

In an event of wondrous proportions, the ladies of NSAC went out for a night of drunken revelry in the city, insert music theme of "I got a new Attitude" here. And for our troubles what did we get: hot outfits, envious looks (cause we were by far the hottest things at the bar), and thrown out of said bar for bringing in champagne (key "No Sex in the Champagne Room" music)...okay, they had the drunken revelry, myself remained sober in order to make sure we got home okay. I even went so far as to drink coffee. However, in my non-whiskey-induced haze I did manage to make eyes with the base guitarist of the cover band in the club we were in. Did he jump off the stage in the middle of the song and come lose himself in my cleavage (which was lifted to heights unknown that evening)? Nope. Did he wait until the set was over and send the closest waitress over with a note to meet him in the back for a "Private Song"? Nope. Did he compose a small rock ditty to my beauty? Not a chance...but he did make eyes back at me for the rest of the night, and i like to imagine that he looked forlorn when we were leaving...or vould that have been weary because he had just played for four hours straight...who knows...


have you ever heard the sounds in the shadow of a song?

it happened again this weekend. NotElliot invited me over. but it was different this time.
i was the one who drank more this time. the entire group of us (including the three lovely ladies i share this forum with) had quite a bit to drink. That's when the fun started.
flirting, touching and kissing were all involved but i confess that i don't remember the kissing part. My mouth was numb with the remnants of long island iced tea and malibu. I really regret that. I remember the before and the after, but not the during.
The whole night was interesting though. The men did not drink as much (well, NotKing did) so they could watch us to make sure we didn't leave with weird men we had just met. NotCarrie was not too happy with that, we were grown women!
So then NotSamantha, not true to her form, drove us all home for she was the only sober one out of us. NotElliot got in the car with us and i proceeded to sit next to him and rest my head on his shoulder the entire way to his house. We got out and he looked at me and said "are you going to come in?" i shook my head no. I really wanted to but the girls had all gotten ready at my house and they can't get in without my key. So i sadly got back in the car and on his way to his apartment he stopped and looked at our car. i wonder what was going through his head.
So we get back to my house and NotMiranda comes in for a bit to sober up. It's about 315 and i hear my phone ring but by the time i get to it, they had given up. it was NotElliot. so i call him back. "i can't sleep" and so started a twenty minute conversation basically about who should go to who's house. in the end he gives up and tells me he'll call me at 4 to see if he's going to come over. he didn't end up calling back, but i was dead asleep by then so it's okay.
for some reason i don't think it was a booty call...

The Drunk "Relationship"

So what do you do when you have a drunk voice mail from a friend with a word in it that sounds a little too close to "love"? And what if this messages seemed to appear out of nowhere?

Out of the 10+ phone calls I thought there were only 2 messages and that I had listened to both. But then today, I was going through my saved mailbox when I hear this dreaded one and I even listened twice trying to decipher it.

I do not want to be deciphering things. That means things are complicated and therefore, I want nothing to do with it!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Paying for it...

So, I've decided to pay for it. Just to prove how dedicated I am to getting some. I've already put my profile up and have several very nice looking men to show for it. Will anything come from it? Don't know. Am I looking for everlasting love? Nope, never make love when a quick shag will do. Do I feel dirty? Only in those hard to reach places. Should I be shocked that I'm willing to pay for something that should come freely? Considering the song and dance I normally have to go through with going to the bars: buying drinks, making cow eyes and all that rot, I feel this a more economical way of meeting men.

And...I've even got one particular cutie who I'm considering asking out for Friday (maybe, pending the "Cliques" approval).

Drawbacks of paying for it...really old mean (like 62, ewww!) "winking" at me...*shudder*

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Beer. The Love Catalyst.

I would like to get more people drunk and ask them how they really feel about me.
Alcohol is the truth serum, is it not?

A handful of people whose inhibitions I would gladly lower. A handful of people who would gladly lower mine.

Ask a question.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

somewhere only we know...

i'm pretty content with my current life situation. for this second anyway.

i took my first "independent trip" today. i met NotMiranda for lunch about 40 minutes away on public transportation, then i went even further away from my comfort zone and visited some museums nearby.

it was pretty fun. i had my iPod so i suppose i was closed off to human interaction, but sometimes you just don't need it.

the weather was gorgeous today, i still needed a coat but there were no clouds in the sky. i took my camera with but didn't take any pictures. i just wasn't feeling it. i think if i had taken any they would have turned out pretentious and normal.

and here goes with the reminiscing part...
even though i never went to these places with NotVegas, i couldn't help but think about him as i watched out the window at the scenes passing by at such a fast rate i blinked more than normal. around this time last year we were in a comfort zone of our own, we had our routine: we'd see each other at work since we had the same schedule, come home, change, one of us would call the other and we'd go out to dinner or a movie or just stay in and cuddle. rarely did we make the public appearance and when we did, it was just for a little before we made a small excuse like i was tired or he had to be up early just so we could go be alone. he made me want to be alone with him. alone. i closed myself off to others because i didn't want to share our time with anyone else.
we were always, always ALWAYS together. a matched set. if one of us showed up to a place early, the group would always ask where the other one was.
and now i'm afraid i can't be anywhere without someone else there too.

Dateworthy...

I've started a new book...Dateworthy. It's all part of the education process. Of course, so far I've only learned that I'm a "picky" "diva" who needs to broaden her horizons. I've also learned what non-negotiables to look for in a man...respect, honest, caring...duh. More when I get more time...and I haven't forgot I left you hangin'. : )

Monday, March 14, 2005

the power of being a girl?

I have more fun working with men. It's a fact. I have most of the men that stand behind the cashier area at my job wrapped around my finger. I didn't quite have this realization until last weekend. Since each of them started, they were trained to ring a bell twice, Pavlov-dog style, for the head cashier (me and/or NotMiranda). I decided that this was not "politicaly-correct" and quite rude, not only for employees but customers as well, seeing as how it's so loud. So i figured we both would carry a phone in hopes that they would dial our specific number to politely tell us what they needed from us.
I knew this would be hard, considering we have a lot of employees.

I told 3 of my favorite guys this on friday, how we were going to try it.
I didn't hear a bell once from them this weekend. each time they needed me, i received a nice, quiet ring on the phone attached to my pocket. i promptly answered each response with a funny comment and took care of the customer/employee in a timely matter.
I informed my manager of this and she simply said "it's because you smile and charm them. They'd do anything for you."
it never dawned on me that perhaps that was the case? i don't want to sound full of myself, but it could be true. am i charming? do i really have that power? coming from a girl who really never dated until her senior year of high school for fear of rejection, this is a big step in my life.
Considering some of the things that happened over the weekend, i have found that i do have in myself quite a bit more confidence that i never knew i posessed.
i just wish i knew how to capitalize on it...

F-ed up product of my upbringing

Reading NotCharlotte's Saturday evening post and hashing it over first-hand left me reminiscing back to my drunk hookup days and how fucked up they were. Let's face it--NotElliot wanted to hook up, and NotCharlotte exhibited great restraint in not falling into the arms of her former (current?) crush. He smolders (just an observation...I have no designs on him), and if I know NotCharlotte, she was jonesing for him a bit.

We've all been in similar situations...you've had a bit too much to drink...are leaning in close to someone you're interested in...and hear that inevitable, "Do you wanna come back to my place?" that leaves your stomach flipping. The older I get the more I realize how the dichotomy of who I am as a sexual being (speaking only of that particular part of my being at the moment) and how I was raised has created a slew of issues in my dealing with men. I want to go back to their place and intimately be the Lewis and Clark his body never had. In fact, I think I sometimes I drink too much just to give myself the excuse...the freedom...to go back to their place. The problem lies in whether or not I can seal the deal once the door is closed...

I can't give it all away in one post...call me a tease. I'll expound and fill-in-the-blanks later ; )

Online Dating...hmmm

I joined a new online forum this weekend: Adultfriendfinder.com. Because I have of the more kinkier nature, I felt it would be the perfect venue to find others of the opposite sex who share my "particular" tastes...that and NotSkippy is giving me a headache tryin to figure him out so I need another avenue...

I created a profile, didn't even add a pic yet and so far have gotten winked at my some 35 year old in the area...will I venture out with this one. We'll see. Depends on what he turns out to be like. I'm going to try email to start and then go from there. Wish me luck!

Sunday, March 13, 2005

He winked back...

Ack! One of the guys I "winked" at on match.com winked back! What do I do now? I am a complete dating idiot!

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Another Saturday Night And I Ain't Got Nobody

On a Saturday night, when I don't have to get up early the next day, it is extremely hard for me not to go out. This is my current situation and I feel like I am wasting a perfectly good night of hanging out with friends/finding men.
NotRoger called me and mentioned hanging out tonight. I'm torn though because if I get ready and go out, then I really want to GO OUT and not just sit in his apartment. I need to be around people on a Saturday night and I thrive when I can talk to random people in the bar. At the same time though, it would be nice to hang out with him as it's a guarenteed hook up. And who doesn't like that?
Well, me at the moment because I know I'll get there and we'll watch tv and then he'll make his move (Please see previous entry titled "The First Move") but then after awhile I'll have to tell him to stop. And I hate that part. (So does he, I'm sure) But remember the scene in One Fine Day when Michelle Pfieffer's character is getting ready to get it on with George Clooney's character and she runs to the bathroom to shave her legs, brush her teeth, etc. That's sort of how I feel tonight: gross. I'm really tired and I didn't wash my hair today (it's okay though because it's recommended) and I just ate baked ziti. So if I go out, I want it to be in a dark, smoke-filled bar where I can blend in with the grossness and the circles under my eyes will look intentional, and "smoky."

I'm so torn. TO GO OUT OR NOT TO GO OUT?

i'm loooooonely...

last night i went out with NotCarrie and some of our mutual friends, including NotElliot, a guy that i had previously had a crush on but found out that he only had "friend-feelings" towards me so i gave up.
We went to a few bars at this popular place about an hour away and after quite a few drinks, we all started having the best time ever.
smaller groups of people seem to mesh better in public places, that's for sure. We broke in one of our new coworkers, NotPrince, seeing a different side of his sullen, quiet, drum-and-bass loving persona. The guy to girl ratio was quite nice, about 1:3. But this is besides my point.

All through the night NotElliot hung out with mainly me and NotCarrie. which was fine with us, seeing as his ex-girlfriend NotBigMouth, was there too. He kept making little comments to me through the night though, like "i'm lonely" and "i never really liked her in the first place." which i saw as him just being conversational.
So we're on our way home and he asks me numerous times when i have to work the next day. after i tell him i ask him why and after much prying, he finally says, in a shy way, "i just wondered if you wanted to come over and hang out."

to which i said "hm.. maybe."
seeing as it was 3am and i had to work at 1, i didn't think i was going to. plus i had to take NotCarrie to her car, and i thought he meant for both of us to go to his place anyway.
I'm rambling...
so anyway, i assumed he forgot about it because he didn't say anything else the entire way back to his place from the metro. he then asks me one more time when i work. and then as he gets out of the car, he looks at me and was like "give me a call in a few minutes if you want to."
i drop NotCarrie back off at her car and on my way home i give him a call back. after some small talk i tell him i'm tired and that he should get to sleep, and that i'll see him tomorrow. he seemed disappointed and to be honest with you, so was i. i wonder what would have happened if i had gone over.
I don't want the reason for him wanting me to come over to be like a "rebound" sort of thing. because i don't think he just wanted my friendly company, for some reason.
we'll see how work goes today, i know he remembers everything when he's drunk.
sorry if none of this makes sense, i think this was mainly written to get my thoughts out there in the open. feel free to comment on this, i need feedback.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Smiling...not so over-rated after all

Over the past couple of weeks, I've really been noticing the power of a smile. I've noticed this before but have become even more aware of it as I try to step out of my normal mold and be more flirtatious with random members of the opposite sex. I guess I've also been in a good mood and have had exhuberant moments (for me this is one of the few times I walk around with a big grin naturally plastered on my face). During these moments, it's amazing the difference in the way men react to me. They light up...look again...say hello...smile back. It's like I suddenly became visible to them and interesting. Does this mean the frown is an invisibility cloak, willing others not to you when worn? Guess I'll be smiling more often ; )

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

And a Night Gaming with NotSkippy

I'm kinda glad that this afternoon I have a pseudo lunch date with NotBlairUnderwood. Because I sooo need to see someone else in the opposite sex category that isn't NotSkippy. And just how do I prep for this even you ask? I buy new pants.

But last night was spent watching NotSkippy devour the latest hardcover sci-fi title that has caught his attention and then going to his place where I watched him kick my butt in the latest bloodletting video game. I got home and I had to wonder:

Is this all there is for me?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

My knickers are way too cute for noone to be seeing them.

Online Dating: A Beginning

It's official...I signed up on match.com to meet NotSamantha's challenge. Even though it's basically anonymous, it still feels like I'm putting myself out there. In fact, tonight I 'winked' at 2 people. Whoa! I feel a little bold and terrified at the same time. I wonder what I'll do if they wink back. I suppose I should post a picture. Hmmm...anyone care to take my picture this weekend at work. I'll even wear makeup : )

Monday, March 07, 2005

I've been told I tried to set my hair on fire...

Rumors of my demise (if there are any) have been greatly exaggerated. According to some I tried to set my hair on fire during my party last Friday night. Thank goodness I didn't...there is no need to have a MJ Coca-Cola moment on my birthday.

Speaking of said day, it was a very hazy night. I remember the smoking of several cigs, the taking of many shots (Goldschlager you are my friend), and the snuggling up to of NotSkippy for most of the night. I've learned several things on this celebration of my birth:

1) Do not try to clean up your kitchen when you are drunk. You will always throw away something good (like the several homemade egg rolls I really wanted to eat).

2) Do not play with new lighter near hair.

3) Do not attempt to cut sheet cake.

4) Do not feel up NotSkippy...

I think he was more worried about me doing damage to myself then anything else, because after the cleanup of one friend, who christened my bedroom carpet and the cleanup of my kitchen. I was beat.

Not Skippy decided to stay and before my befuddled mind could think to drag him to my lair, I had put my head on my pillow and was forever gone to lala land.

Saturday ended up being another great day. Went to breakfast (check), had wonderfully fattening and carb filled foods (check), made sure that carpet was sufficiently cleaned after friend mishap (check), got NotSkippy to drive to dinner (check) and come over after (check).

To this effect NotSkippy stayed over on Saturday again...twas a very odd experience having him stay downstairs while I stayed upstairs, when what I really wanted to do was curl around him and sleep with my nose tucked into his hair, cause he smells wunnerful...

Sigh. I am the geek.

But moving on, I emailed someone else from Craigslist for possible date to fulfill online date meet quota of March...

Sunday, March 06, 2005

My Back Up

My night pales in comparison to strap-ons but I had a good night, none the less.

NotStandford (who by the way is NOT gay) is my new back up for marriage! I am so excited as he's such a good friend and many people have told us we should get hitched. Our age though for executing this "back up" plan is 50 which I'm not happy about. He insisted it's nothing against me but that 35 is too soon for him. It's okay though because later he told me I'm pretty and that was more monumental as we've never had that sort of "moment."

And on the marriage subject: My new goal is that (marriage). I really want to play house for awhile and then just get divorced...is that HORRIBLE?

I don't think so.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

reason #551 that i will never be a lesbian.

So lately i have decided i need to become more adventurous, take more risks. So this evening, NotMiranda and i attended our very first sex toy party. And let me tell you, i can DEFINITELY say that i've met the requirements to this lovely decision.
The both of us arrived in the middle of the lady's presentation. Which was apparently not good, because the hostess, whom i know fairly well, took it upon herself to volunteer me for a game we were to play after the break. Great, i thought, i just hope i don't have to put anything in my mouth.
So we get to taste different lotions and put glow in the dark glitter on, all the while learning about the pleasures and "pains" of certain stimulants. Then it's break time. The lovely host decides to make us all try this stuff called "Ultimate Pleasure." This stuff is like a mint for your vagina, apparently. I did not try it because i really was not ready to be "that" adventurous but i played along, some things you can just fake if you're good enough. Karma is a bitch though.
Breaktime was over and it was time to play the game.
We all walk into the living room and the presenter takes out a seethrough bag and all i see is black straps and beige colored plastic. a strap-on. i take one look at it and my face goes RED. all i hear the hostess say is "OMG i am soooo sorry!" as the presenter makes me spread my legs and attaches the average sized penis to my eight dollar old navy jeans. everyone is laughing SO HARD simply because i am the last person in that room that should have a plastic piece of phallic wonderment in between my legs. i just could not look down. NotMiranda had tears running down her face and i could not make eye contact with ANYONE. so the presenter finishes tightening me up and tells me something, but i can't hear it because the laughter is so loud, so i just look at her. she gestures to the couch and i assume she wants me to sit down. so i do. she then shakes her head and someone yells "NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIE DOWN." great. so i do. and then each person proceeds to try and get three rings around my erect member as i lie there trying not to die.
everyone finishes up and NotMiranda is the only one skilled enough to score a ring. I get a magnetic calendar and two scratchy things for my effort. that's it. i then take that thing off faster than you can say "erectile disfunction" and sit my ass back down on the couch. i took it like a pro...


The rest of the evening was quite entertaining, i learned a lot about vibrators and cock rings. i'm really glad i went, it made my weekend.

Weekend update...like SNL but true!

This weekend was NotSamantha's birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Friday night was blow-out bash at her place. The goal of the night being the girls of No Sex & the City to see some action. The highlight of my evening (I arrived late) was seeing a highly intoxicated NotSamantha curled up in a chair with NotSkippy, playing with his hair and trying to put the moves on him. NotSkippy looked slightly intoxicated and somewhere between blissful and tired. I'm not sure how successful she was, but the rest of us struck out.

Unfortunately, because money was tight, we (me and NotCharlotte) had to bail on NotSamantha's nice Saturday dinner. Sorry, NotSamantha : ( We really wanted to go but funds are so tight with such a short month. I promise to surprise you with a fab gift! That said, Saturday did continue with some fab, hilarious and free entertainment. NotCharlotte and I ended up going to a sex (accessories) party at someone's house...for background research ; ) I haven't laughed that hard in quiet a while. I feel like I burst blood vessels in my brain or something. Read NotCharlotte's post for a hilarious blow-by-blow (no pun intended). To add my 2 cents...seeing NotCharlotte in a strap-on rocked. It was the funniest thing ever (really, ever), and she handled it like a real trooper. In addition to being highly amused, I was also relieved that the games wouldn't mention any how-tos. Woop, woop to me for winning 'ring the penis'. As for the "intimate gel", yes, I was adventurous to try it. It felt like a cold breeze blowing right on my snatch and didn't go away for a good many minutes. "Mint for the vagina" is 'bout the perfect way to describe it.

I don't think I'll be buying anything just yet, but pink passion vibrator was mighty pretty (lol) : )

Friday, March 04, 2005

Tonight, Tonight

I purchased a lot of gum and asked for no onions on my cheeseburger today. All in anticipation of tonight.
However, I am not holding my breath for anything to happen.

I will report back though if it does!

Not tonight...I'm tired

So my big plan for this evening was to stop by the bookstore on the way back from my meeting to buy books for "research" purposes. I'm trying to figure out a way to be more outgoing. I mean...how do you really let a guy know you like him? Do I flirt? Sometimes I think I do, but then start to wonder if it's only flirting to me. At the meeting I had tonight, I came to realize yet again how uncomfortable I generally am with small talk. I just don't know how to do it. That's what was so amazing about NotTim (the guy I did my site visit with a couple of weeks ago). We had never met in person and hadn't had extended conversations; yet, I was completely comfortable around him and was myself...quirky as that may be sometimes. I need lessons on moving things to the next level. I need something....preferably a pair of warm, male lips this weekend.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Take It All Off

At yet another meeting today, I took a look around the room and noticed something that isn't necessarily the discovery of the year, but was surprising none the less. All of the women had diet sodas and all of the men had regular sodas. My thought process quickly went from soda to body image to sex. (Impressive, I know.)
Anyway, This then reminded me of a conversation I had one time with my friend NotStanford when he was asking me why I hadn't done the deed yet with someone I was seeing and I told him that it was easy, I wasn't ready for him to see me sans clothes. You know, naked. I didn't trust him enough yet. Well, NotSanford told me that the guy is going to be so glad to get the girl naked, he won't even care what she looks like. I appreciated the insight and it made me laugh. I wasn't sure if I totally believed him though as NotSanford was pretty pressed for some action at the time and probably would have had sex with anyone rigth about then. But its the tought that counts...right?

Is his guy insight the truth?

Have you ever measured it?

An email marathon the other day with NotCarrie and NotCharlotte got me thinking about exes and what I miss most. I was reminded of how much I love to laugh...even when making out and getting frisky. Being able to laugh together is so important. My ex, NotSteve, and I were getting intimate when all of a sudden I got a brilliant idea. See...NotSteve was blessed with an ample appendage (ahem...penis). I was very fond of it and decided we should measure it to settle the question of how big it actually was. It was a hilarious, endearing moment. I miss the laughter. Have you ever measured it?

Is everyone doing it but me?

Online dating...that is. Seems like NotCharlotte, NotCarrie and NotSamantha have all hooked up with someone from the Internet. In fact, NotSamantha has challenged us all to branch out and find a date from the world wide web during the month of March and see what happens. Am I the only one getting butterflies over this? I love adventure and have leaped many a time into the unknown, so what am I afraid of? Never one to back down because of a little thing called fear, I figure I'll give this challenge a whirl. So long as I'm careful, I have nothing to lose!

Hi, I'm NotSamantha and I read SMUT!

Hi, I'm NotSamantha and I read Smut...I'm also kinky...

But seriously. Have you ever read that book that got 5 wet panties on your scale and have been trying to figure out where you can get that in reality...? Great, good to know that I'm not the only one wanting something I've yet to have.

I think that may be the main reason I'm so into the smut I read, because it represents the unknown the unattainable the unachieveable. That which can not be named simply because it can not be real to me. So, in the time honored tradition of NSAC, I plan to change that.

With who you may ask...well NotSkippy is definately not it. I need a NotBig or NotAiden for this type of fun...hell even a NotBurger, although if he leaves me a post-it....


Wednesday, March 02, 2005

we'll show each other where it hurts

i want to talk about this Friday, but am afraid to jinx any hopes that i hold tightly in my love-lacking body.
so instead i will consider the thoughts that have been running in my head as of late.
i want random passion. out of nowhere, i want someone to tell me they want me. want me. i haven't had that in so long. here's the part where i start talking about my ex boyfriend. NotVegas.

what i miss most about those 8 months of confusion, cuddling and chicken fingers is the closeness. i miss going over to his house after we closed up shop and watching mtv reality until 3. i miss how i fit into his arms and i never needed a blanket because he was so warm. i missed his soft questions asking me if i needed anything before he turned out the light and we got even deeper into the moment. i miss his whispers into my ear, slightly brushing his lips against them so i can feel his words. i miss the tangle of our bodies as i tried to get up to leave, finally, and how he wouldn't let me go. i miss the look on his face when he'd make the first move. god, i miss that.
it's funny how i miss only the good things. but that's the usual, isn't it?

now when i see him i still think "damn, he looks so good" and i wonder if he thinks the same thing.
when i see certain shows or hear certain songs, especially "our song," a horrid pop song that made us laugh because we always seemed to hear it whenever we were together.
i stopped listening to the radio because it reminded me of him. he preset his radio so i had my three channels and he had his three since we had such different tastes. it was the little things in this relationship that counted.

our work relationship was incredible. we worked the same schedule so we got to see each other often. even though i was his supervisor (big no-no, but come on... who doesn't want a little office romance?) i miss being able to run to where he is for a quick hug and him coming to visit me in my department and tell me he loves me real quick before i start my project. i miss our secret rendevous in the little cash office that no one ever found out about.

god, writing all of this out makes me want to love him again. but i don't feel desperate for that. i feel comforted in the fact that i experienced that whole whirlwind of emotion and i'm better for it. i've matured so much since that chunk of time in my life and given the choice, i would re-live it. heartbreak and all.

The First Move

Am I right or am I right that the man should make the first move? I know they feel differently but really, they have less to lose. If I make the first move and he rejects me then I'm desparate and will go cry into my pillow all night. If he gets rejected by a girl then he's just a jerk...but a confident assertive jerk!
This reminds me of a time...
I met this guy NotMike on the internet through another friend who met him through the wonderful webpage www.makeoutclub.com . We all became friends and talked about hanging out and visiting him at his college (all of my "men" are younger, hence them being boys) and getting him drunk. Anyway, I can't remember a detailed timeline of times we hung out one night he decided to meet me at my apartment and then we would go meet the other friend in DC for a show. Fast forward to the drive home and NotMike asking if he could stay at my apartment and drink the alcohol I had promised I had. Well, this made me excited and nervous at the same time. I had definitely developed a little crush on NotMike but assumed he wanted my friend (who also had developed a little crush on him).
Anyway, fast forward to us lying in my bed talking. TALKING. TALLLKKKIINNNGGG...Until almost 5 in the morning. It took us 3 hours to migrate close enough to each other to be touching and longer still for it to even feel like a kiss could occur. I even blurted out at one moment that I really liked him (he asked). And still, more talking...and migrating.
Finally, after what seemed like 3 short lifetimes, he kissed me. And it was a slight letdown.


The moral of the story is, if he had been the jerk and kissed me at 1am we could have had a really good night.

Note: I did win the bet among myself and two friends for who could make out with someone from makeoutclub.com first though.

Does new = sexy?

Have you ever noticed that when you there's something new in your life you get all excited and can't stop thinking about it? It's kind of like having a new crush...they occupy all of the extra brain capacity you never knew you had and take up hours of your day. Or a new boyfriend...how you want to spend all your time with him at first (that is) until he gets to be comfortable. This blog is like that new boyfriend...cute, new, exciting. I realize I must pace myself. There's no need to post all of my thoughts/feelings/experiences on the first day. Like a relationship, I must pace myself and prolong the excitement lest we both get bored.
For the life of me, I can't stop thinking about boys. It's what i do during classes, during work, in my sleep.
i. cant. help. it.
i could make a list of all the qualities i like in boys, from something as simple as their male anatomy to as complicated as the way a certain one looks at me when i say something funny.
i could never be a lesbian.
One question that lies permanently on my overworked brain is "If i love boys so much, then why don't i have one?"
perhaps the most important word in this question is "boys." So far, in my twenty one years of existence, that is all i have experienced. Boys. no men for me, i am a magnet for clingy, immature, indecisive, innocent boys, which this forum will get to know as well as i thought i knew them.

i create different scenarios with my current crushes, seeing how things would be different if i happened to have them be a significant part of my life. in my perfect world, any of them would do. we would figure out our differences and continue to live as a match set.
but when i think about them, in my mind i simply see a body with a fuzzed out face.
i have yet to meet that man that takes me off my feet, makes me think about just them, someone to fall in love with me. i know i'm young, but isn't that really what every woman wants?
i've been in love, once. was i loved back? i still don't know. words mean different things coming from the heat of the moment.
it's hard to be decisive about something so important.

I'm a Sex Spy, baby.

Over the past few months, I've found myself falling into a new line of work...a sex spy. No, not a voyeur who likes to watch others get it on but a daring diva sent in to gain access to privileged information of the opposite sex. As a secret agent of sex, I am often forced to endure compromising positions and a few too many cocktails to get information from my sources.

I'm fresh from my recent mission...a tall, dark-haired bloke named NotJason. I was to gain background information NotJason's experience with the ladies and ascertain the likelihood of a NotJason-NotCarrie or NotJason-NotCharlotte pairing. I decided to case the subject during my work break and tried to subtly engage him in conversation. By subtle, I mean I took NotSamantha's advice and broached the subject of geometry and shapes, trying to get a feel for how he felt about triangles...blonde sides...brunette sides. Useless. Completely useless. We circled each other, all the while being interrupted by customers and a call from NotCarrie. Finally, NotaManager settled in for a friendly chat evidently mistaking my mission for a serious personal crush on NotJason. Men...will they ever get a clue?

Break over and still no closer to an answer, I headed to the nearest to schedule an after-work rendeveaux with the subject to gain access to privileged information. We ended up hopping in my car after closing (starting the rumor mill, I'm sure) and headed to an ATM. After warming up in the front seat of my Volkswagen, I finally acquired the information needed. Turns out analogies were completely lost on NotJason, and he asked for bluntness. Uh oh...a NotMiranda specialty that can get her into trouble. Unsure of my boundaries but aware that information was desperately sought, I went with the direct approach. I inquired how NotJason felt about NotCharlotte and NotCarrie's interest in him. NotJason was surprised...turns out he's pretty naive and oblivious (as he admitted) and never considered the fact that NotCharlotte or NotCarrie could be interested in him. *Note to those who hired me: I did my best to describe said interest in moderate terms...no stalking...love crushes...just nice guy-cute-could be interested in exploring something more kind of stuff. Basically, NotJason doesn't have time for anything more and wouldn't feel right "choosing" one or the other because of the friendship they all have. He admitted to always thinking about the negative 'what ifs' in these kinds of situations, too. The subject is a smart guy who asked me what my "report back" would be...never been asked that before and appreciated the directness. We proceeded to discuss what I would pass along to the ladies. NotJason was very cool about the whole thing and not at all weirded out...he just doesn't have time for a thing.

On a side note, NotJason wanted to make sure I had all the information I needed, so I joking inquired about his sexual past and his knowledge of the 'dirty sanchez'. We both turned red and got a good giggle out of this. He wouldn't elaborate, but told me a story to make me feel better. Evidently, he dated a girl a couple of years ago who started quizing him on his feelings about sex on the 2nd date...totally shocked and weirded him out. I asked if this was the last date, and he said they dated 3 months...when asked to elaborate he demured.

The sex spy business is hard.
Okay, here's my first post and boy is it a doozy.

What do you do when you have a guy you like, but in the aggressiveness department, he's got nothing...

That would be my NotSkippy...he's cute, in that geeky sorta way, he's honest (a true honest man, I swear), he's nice to women, people, puppies and all that...and he kisses like a dream...

And the question you would ask..."Why aren't you fucking like bunnies?"

And my answer would be "Cause he can't get past the friends bit."

We dated for a while...we fooled around for a lot of it and what do I have to show for 3 months of foreplay...a whole lot of sexual frustration let me tell you.

So we're back to square one (read friends again) and while I'm sorta okay with that...I get that weird feeling from him that he's wavering again and may want to go back...but will he act on it....NOOOOOO!!!

Too much of a bloody goody goody and will stick by his morals or goals or WTFever he's done to his brain to make him not come on to me again...crapola on a stick...

Do I have plans to make a move for him...nope, cause I did that and it got me the female equivalent of blue balls...so this is me, sitting here and waiting on my NotSkippy to get a clue...

Bah!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

On My Mind Too

I realized today, during my staff meeting, that when I daydream (which is all the time) the subject can fall into 3 categories:
1. Men (boys for future blogs as most males I know are NOT men)
2. Shopping
3. Sleeping

Three is a given only because I am always tired and I like to think back to when I was warm and cozy in my bed (alone, of course). I also like to plan ahead to the next time I will get to be in my warm, cozy bed (alone, of course).

Two is a given because I am a female and any female who does not like to buy things is a lunatic. I just made an order on gap.com and am now trying to forget that jcrew.com exists.

Now number one...90% of my thoughts. I'd guess that half of my time is spent thinking about situations that have occurred and half of my time is spent daydreaming about situations I *want* to occur. The former would include me analyzing every word spoken between me and a certain male and replaying the scene over and over in my mind.
-What did he mean when he said that?
-Did he realize what I meant when I said that?
-Can he read my mind?
-Why can't I read his??

The fun part comes when I daydream about what I want to happen. The "Love Of My Life" calls and admits he feels the same way and wants to see me. The bad boy crush drives the distance and visits me at work, leading me to the back where we take advantage of the hiding spots. (Note: This is a reoccurring daydream involving many, many people I encounter while at work and many, many different spots.) My favorite daydream involves my latest crush from a favorite band and his declaration of love for me during the show. In song form, ideally.

Nothing can beat, "I love you" amplified and accompanied by guitars in a smoky club.

This is the ultimate. This is the goal.

No sex...

Another evening spent as a celebate (my choice?) female...

while we're at it...

welcome to the month of march. we've officially gotten over february, the month of flowers and chocolate and moved on to 31 days of... snow, rain, mud, no cuddling.
being single is lacking in the spectacular department right now.